ARSENIC AND OLD LACE

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CREDITS

Credits roll, in white letters, on several funny cartoons, all of
them about witches and witchcraft (a caldron over a fire, with two
witches on either side of it – A close-up of one of the witches –
A witches falling down from the sky on her broomstick, and loosing
her hat in the fall – A furious black cat spitting at an owl
seated on a branch – A carafe with two glasses, actually a direct
reference to the film – An Halloween pumpkin pressing her two
forefingers in its ears, with music notes around it – Black bats
flying over a village).

BROOKLYN – GENERAL OVERVIEW – EXTERIOR DAY

A general overview of Brooklyn, near New York, seen from the roof
of a very high building. Written in white letters on this
overview, the following words :

This is a Hallowe’en
tale of Brooklyn, where
anything can happen–
and it usually does.

Then :
At 3 P.M. on this
particular day, this
was happening-

Several white circles move on the screen, then the whole screen is
covered by a huge base ball, with «Brooklyn» written on it in
black letters.

BASEBALL GAME – SPECTATORS – EXTERIOR DAY

Close-up of the face of man, screaming :

BASEBALL FAN
I’ll knock your block off, you big stiff ! You’re a bum !

The camera moves away, so we can see the other baseball spectators
behind the first one.

BASEBALL FIELD – EXTERIOR DAY

General view of a baseball field, where a game is being played.
Follow several very quick sequences (one or two seconds each) : A
general view of the spectators. Then a player throwing a ball.
Then a very excited brass band playing. Then a few very excited
spectators. Then another player throwing a ball.

Finally we see a batter missing his ball. We hear the Umpire,
standing behind the catcher and heavily covered with a protection
suit, yelling :

THE UMPIRE
Strike ! You’re out !

The batter, who missed the ball, drops his bat on the ground and
comes back to the Umpire. He tears the Umpire helmet and mask
away, and gives him a good punch in the nose. The Umpire falls on
the ground. The catcher then hits the batter. The Umpire rises
slowly from the ground.

Several very quick sequences : The ball-thrower drops his glove
and runs to the fight. Then several excited spectators stand up to
join the fight. Several player, who were waiting for their turn to
go on the field, also run to the fight. Then a view of the fight,
where all the players are hitting each other. Then the popcorn
seller, dropping his basket to join the fight. Then spectators
jumping over the balustrades to join the fight. Then another view
of the players fighting. Then a final view of the Umpire, laying
on the field and leaning on one elbow, and quietly munching some
food.

NEW YORK – A BRIDGE – EXTERIOR DAY

We see a large view of a bridge with a white boat passing
underneath. Written in large white letters on the screen, the
words :

While at the same time
across the river in the
UNITED STATE PROPER
there was a romance in
the air.

MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU – INTERIOR DAY

Close-up on the sign «MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU», with people
passing underneath.

AN EXCITED GIRL VOICE
Elmer, here it is.

A MORE QUIET MALE VOICE
I knew you’d find it.

ANOTHER MALE VOICE
Boy, I could sure use a drink.

The camera gets down from the sign to floor level. Two journalists
are approaching, one equipped with a camera.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER
I wonder if any big shots are getting married today ?
They stop at the door of the room.

Larger view of the room, where several people are, either standing
in a queue, either sitting at a table and filling forms, either
chatting in groups of two or three

Back to the two journalists still standing a the door.

THE OTHER JOURNALIST
Looks like the same suckers get married every day.

He looks around for a few second, then starts to move away.

THE OTHER JOURNALIST
Come on.

The photographer makes him come back. He points to someone in the
room.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER
Hey, the guy with the cheaters.

In a line of people queueing in front of a counter, we see
Mortimer Brewster, with a hat and a pair of large dark glasses. He
turns around and notices the two journalists looking at him. He
raises the collar of his black coat to try to hide his face. The
girl in front of him turns around to look at him. She has blonde
curly hair and wears a hat with a strange white feather. She is
Elaine Harper. With both his hands, Mortimer turns her face back
toward the counter.

Back to the two journalists at the door of the room.

THE OTHER JOURNALIST
Now what’s he hiding from ?

He starts moving to get a better look at Mortimer.
Mortimer moves in front of Elaine, who smiles.

The two journalists are now in the room, and they look at
Mortimer.

THE OTHER JOURNALIST
Hey, isn’t that Mortimer Brewster?

THE PHOTOGRAPHER
Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic ?

Mortimer looks very embarrassed.

Back to the two journalists.

THE OTHER JOURNALIST
No, it’s not him. But what a scoop it would be ! The guy
who wrote The Bachelor’s Bible finally getting hooked
himself. Nope. It’s too good to be true. Come on, let’s
snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go home.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER
Hey, let’s stick around, and see who the guy is.

Back to the line of people waiting in front of the counter. The
marriage clerk is standing behind a set of metal bars. A couple of
people leaves the counter. It’s now Mortimer and Elaine’s turn.
The marriage clerk sings :

THE CLERK
“Two by two they come and go. Hip hip hig hay !”

He smiles to Mortimer and Elaine.

THE CLERK
Good morning, children. Your name, please ?

ELAINE
Elaine Harper.

She spoke in a very soft voice. The clerk put his hand around his
ear.
THE CLERK
Speak a little louder.

She speaks louder.

ELAINE
Elaine Harper.

THE CLERK
Thank you. Yours ?

Mortimer comes very close to the bars above the counter and
whispers.

MORTIMER
Mortimer Brewster.
The clerk puts his hand back around his ear.

The two journalists are straining their own ears to be able to
understand Mortimer’s name

THE CLERK
How’s that ?

Mortimer raises his glasses, but still whispers.

MORTIMER
Mortimer Brewster.

THE CLERK
Speak up, sonny. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Mortimer bends down, putting his chin at the counter level. Then
he stands up again, and opens the gate in front of the clerk. He
knocks his head on the bar above the gate. He straightens his hat,
and brings his face close to the clerk’s one. He still whispers.
MORTIMER
I want to keep this undercover.

THE CLERK
Love her ? But of course you love her. You’re going to
marry her, aren’t you ?

MORTIMER
No-no, you don’t understand. Come here, come.

With his finger, he signals the clerk to come close to him.

MORTIMER
You see, I don’t want this to get out for a while. I’m
Mortimer Brewster.

THE CLERK
You’re who ?

Mortimer stops controlling himself and starts yelling

MORTIMER
Mortimer Brew…

He doesn’t finish telling his name, takes Elaine’s hand, and runs
outside the room, dragging Elaine behind him.

The two journalists react to the news.

THE OTHER JOURNALIST
That’s him !

They start running after Mortimer.

CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE BUREAU – INTERIOR DAY

Still dragging Elaine, Mortimer runs in the corridor.
THE OTHER JOURNALIST
(voice over)
Mister Brewster !

Mortimer pushes Elaine into a telephone booth and enters behind
her. There is already a man in the booth who is using the phone.
With three people in the booth, Mortimer can hardly close the door
behind him.

The two journalists runs in the corridor.

THE OTHER JOURNALIST
Oh, Mister Brewster !

But they pass the booth without noticing that Mortimer is inside.

In the booth, the man, still holding the phone receiver, tries to
protest the intrusion.

THE MAN ON THE PHONE
Now, look…
Mortimer takes the receiver from him and speaks into it.

MORTIMER
Goodbye, dear.

He hangs up the receiver, and then pushes violently the man
outside the booth. The man looks very angry, but doesn’t try to
come back in the booth.

In the booth, a very exciter Mortimer is talking to Elaine.

MORTIMER
Don’t you understand ? How can I marry you ? Me, the symbol
of bachelorhood. I’ve sneered at every love scene in every
play. I’ve written four million words against marriage !
Not only hooked, but to a minister’s daughter, and not only
a minister’s daughter but a girl from Brooklyn. And look at
the way you look ! What is that sort of contraption you’ve
got there ?

He taps on a pin on the lapel of Elaine’s jacket.

ELAINE
That’s a pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know what
they’re saying, “Something borrowed…”

MORTIMER
Yeah, I know that “Something borrowed, something blue.”
Old, new. Rice and old shoes. Carry you over the threshold.
Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe I made fun for years.
Is this what I’ve come to ? I can’t go through with it. I
won’t marry you. And that’s that.

He takes his glasses off. Elaine whispers :

ELAINE
Yes, Mortimer.
MORTIMER
What do you mean, «Yes, Mortimer» ? Aren’t you insulted ?
Aren’t you going to cry ? Aren’t you going to make a
scene ?

ELAINE
No, Mortimer.

MORTIMER
And don’t «No, Mortimer» me, either ! Don’t you see
marriage is a superstition. It’s old-fashioned. It’s…
a… a… Ohh !…

He kisses her very passionately.

He stops kissing her, and gets out of the booth, dragging her
behind him. They enter the marriage bureau.

MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU – INTERIOR DAY

They get back a the end of the line of people waiting to be
married.
The girl in front of Elaine winks to Elaine. Elaine winks back to
her.

A man in front of the girls turns toward Mortimer and smiles to
him, in a slightly idiotic way. Mortimer looks at him, a bit
surprised, and gives him a forced smile, showing his teeth.

BROOKLYN – RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT – EXTERIOR DAY

We see a street in Brooklyn, in front of nice house. Written on
the screen in large white letters :

And now, back to
one of Brooklyn’s most
charming residential
districts–

BROOKLYN – CHURCHYARD – EXTERIOR DAY

A churchyard, with a close-up on a tombstone : «Jacob John
Vendemeer died 1654». Written on the screen in large white
letters :

–From her in you’re
on your own.

We see the gate of the churchyard, with a plate that says : «This
cemetery was established in april 1654»

Along this gate, two cops are doing their beat. The older one,
Sargent Brophy, is talking to the younger one, Officer Patrick
O’Hara.

BROPHY
O’Hara, don’t be a jerk. You don’t seem to realize. I’m
turning over to you the nicest, the best beat in Brooklyn.
Now look at that old church. And them old houses.
O’HARA
Did George Washington ever do any sleeping around here ?

BROPHY
Of course he did. Well, this whole neighborhood just stinks
with atmosphere. And look at that old house there.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR DAY

Walking their beat, the two cops have come outside the Brewster
sisters residence.

O’HARA
Are the original owners still over there ?

BROPHY
Now, don’t crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They’re
two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest old ladies that ever
walked the earth. They’re out of this world. They’re
like… they’re like pressed rose leaves.
They have come near a police call box. Brophy takes a key out of
his pocket to open the box

O’HARA
Pressed rose leaves ?

In front of the house, there is a «Room for Rent» sign. While
Brophy picks up the phone in the call box, O’Hara looks at the
sign.

O’HARA
The old girls must be kind of hard up, huh ?

BROPHY
No, no. Their old man left them fixed for life. And don’t
you call them «the girls», either.

Brophy starts talking in the receiver of the call box.

BROPHY
Brophy. Is Lieutenant around ?

O’HARA
Then, so why here do they rent a room for ?

BROPHY
They don’t rent rooms. But you can bet if anybody came
looking for a room, they wouldn’t go away without a good
meal and probably a couple of bucks in their pockets.
That’s just their way of digging up people to do good to.

We get a closer view of the front of the house. A large
rectangular stone, with «Brewster» engraved on it. A group of
children runs in front of the house.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

In the forefront of the room, Teddy Brewster is playing Mozart’s
Turkish March on the harpsichord. He looks a bit like late
President Theodore Roosevelt. And he is dressed like the President
was dressed on the official pictures we’ve got of him… And, like
the President, he is wearing a pince-nez.

In another corner of the room, Abby Brewster is having tea with
Reverend Harper, Elaine’s father. She looks like an old English
lady, a bit like Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple.

ABBY
Reverend Harper, I do hope you don’t disapprove of Mortimer
just because he’s a dramatic critic and takes your daughter
to the theater every night.

REVEREND HARPER
It’s not so much that I disapprove of his being a critic,
but no man, no man with this published attitude on
marriage…

Close-up on the book Reverend Harper just took on the table :
«Marriage, a Fraud and a Failure, by Mortimer Brewster».
REVEREND HARPER
…should take any man’s daughter anyplace…

He sneezes.

REVEREND HARPER
…at any time.

He sneezes again, louder this time. Teddy stops playing and there
is a puzzled look in his eyes.

TEDDY
I must be catching cold.

ABBY
(to Teddy)
No, dear. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
(to Reverend Harper)
Bless you.

Teddy puts back in his pocket the handkerchief he had taken out
and starts playing again.

ABBY
We mustn’t be angry with Mortimer. He’s so very much in
love with her. And Sister Martha and I are so happy about
it. He used to come to see us only occasionally, and now,
now he’s in Brooklyn six nights a week.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR DAY

The two cops, Brophy and O’Hara, are mounting the steps to the
Brewster sisters house.

BROPHY
Remember now, watch your language.

O’HARA
Besides, you know I’m not a swearing man.

BROPHY
You’d be surprised what they’d consider swearing.

He rings the doorbell.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

At the sound of the doorbell, Teddy stops playing.

ABBY
Oh, will you excuse me ?

She gets up from her armchair.

ABBY
No, no, Teddy, dear. Thank you. I’ll go.

She goes to the door and opens it.

ABBY
Oh, come right in, Mr. Brophy.

The two cops get in.

BROPHY
Miss Abby, we came for the toys.

ABBY
Oh yes.

O’Hara closes the door.

BROPHY
This is Officer O’Hara. He’s taking over my beat.

O’HARA
How are you doing ?

ABBY
May I welcome you to our neighborhood, Mister O’Hara.

Teddy, with his teacup in hand, joins the group. He speaks with a
very serious expression on his face.

TEDDY
Gentlemen, what news have you brought me ?

Brophy salutes him and stands at attention.

BROPHY
Colonel, we have nothing to report.

Teddy gives an intrigued look to O’Hara, who doesn’t seem to
understand. Brophy elbows him with the arm which is still
saluting.

O’HARA
Huh ?
He eventually understands what his Sargent is trying to tell him.

O’HARA
Oh no, absolutely nothing to report.

He salutes but with a less official attitude than his Sargent.
Teddy smiles.

TEDDY
Splendid ! Thank you, gentlemen.
(very serious again)
At ease.

Brophy puts his arm down. O’Hara looks at his Sargent with a
perplexed expression, and takes longer to put his arm down

ABBY
You know the Reverend Doctor Harper from the church next
door ?

BROPHY
Hello, Reverend. This is Officer O’Hara, the new man on the
beat.

Teddy looks at O’Hara with a puzzled expression.

O’HARA
How do you do, sir ? It’s nice to meet you.

O’Hara looks ill at ease under Teddy’s stare.

ABBY
The toys are on the chair up here, by the library door.

O’Hara moves toward the pile of toys. Teddy’s eyes are following
him with the same puzzled expression. O’Hara feels less and less
at ease.

ABBY
Oh, Teddy, will you run upstairs and bring down your Army
and Navy from Aunt Martha’s room. They’re all packed.

REVEREND HARPER
That’s splendid work you men do, fixing up discarded toys
for the kids at camp.

Teddy, who has started to mount the stairs to the upper level,
stops in his stride, pretends he is taking a sword out of a sheath
at his side, points this imaginary sword in front of him and
starts running up the stairs, yelling :

TEDDY
Charge !

When he arrives on the balcony, on which open the bedroom doors,
he rushes into his room and slams the door.

While Bophy and Reverend Harper remain unmoved, O’Hara, who is
standing by the grandfather’s clock, jumps and looks at the clock,
which chimes once. The minute hand of the clock falls down to the
half-hour position. O’Hara is very disturbed and points his stick
to his Sargent, who seems to be totally unmoved by the event and
laughs with Reverend Harper and Abby.

BROPHY
It gives us something to do as we are sitting around the
station. You get tired of playing cards.

Abby moves away from them to the grandfather’s clock. She puts the
minute hand back into its original position. Brophy and Reverend
Harper joins her by the clock.

BROPHY
So these are the toys ?

O’Hara picks up the box in which the toys are stocked.

ABBY
How’s Missis Brophy ?

BROPHY
Oh, she’s better, thank you. But a little weak, still.

ABBY
Well, I’ll better get some beef broth for you to take to
her.

BROPHY
Oh, Miss Abby, please don’t bother. You’ve done so much
already.

ABBY
Oh, Stuff and nonsense ! I won’t be a minute.

She moves away and exits into the kitchen.

REVEREND HARPER
Gentlemen, if I know what pure kindness and absolute
generosity are, it’s because I’ve known the Brewster
sisters.

On the balcony, Teddy gets out of his room with a bugle, and
starts playing it very loudly. O’Hara jumps and drops the box with
the toys on the floor. Reverend Harper and Brophy seem to be less
moved by the event.

Brophy stands back and points his finger up to Teddy.

BROPHY
Oh, Teddy, you promised me you wouldn’t do that anymore.

Teddy, still standing on the balcony, answers him leaning on the
balustrade.

TEDDY
But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get the release of
those supplies.

BROPHY
Now don’t do that again. Do you hear me ?

Teddy goes back into his room, slamming the door behind him. The
grandfather’s clock chimes once, and the minute hand falls back to
the half-hour position. O’Hara jumps and looks at the clock.

BROPHY
He used to do that in the middle of the night, and
neighbors raised Cain with me. They’re a little afraid of
him anyway.

O’HARA
Look, Sarge, I promised you I wouldn’t swear, but what the
heck…

He stops in the middle of his sentence, gives a quick look to
Reverend Harper, and corrects himself.

O’HARA
…What’s going on here anyway ?

REVEREND HARPER
Oh, he’s quite harmless.

BROPHY
He thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt. So what, there’s a lot of
worse guys he could think he was.

O’HARA
Huh ?

O’Hara gives a quick look toward the upper landing, and then nods.

O’HARA
That’s right. I’ll make a note of it. He’s a very
interesting character.

BROPHY
Isn’t it a shame, Father, isn’t it a shame, Reverend, that
a nice family like this should be hatching a cuckoo ?

The front door opens and Martha Brewster comes in. Like her
sister, she looks like an old English lady. She is wearing a short
cape and a hat, and she carries a cylindrical can with a handle.

She closes the door.

MARTHA
Oh, well, now, isn’t this nice !

She goes to Brophy and the Reverend.

BROPHY
Good afternoon, Miss Brewster.

MARTHA
How do you do, Mr Brophy ?

REVEREND HARPER
Good afternoon, Miss Brewster.
O’Hara has picked up the toys and he joins the group.

MARTHA
Reverend Harper, how do you do ?

BROPHY
Oh, Miss Martha, this is Officer O’Hara. He’s taking over
my duties.

O’HARA
How do you do, ma’am ?

MARTHA
I’m very glad to know you.

Abby comes out of the kitchen, carrying a cylindrical can, similar
to the one her sister is carrying

O’HARA
Thank you.
Abby joins the group.

ABBY
Oh, Martha, you’re back.

She gives the can to Brophy. Meanwhile, Martha has taken her cape
off.

ABBY
Here’s the broth for Missis Brophy. Be sure it’s good and
hot.

BROPHY
You bet I will, and thank you very much.

Teddy is getting down the stairs, carrying a box full of toys
under his arm. He stops a few steps from floor level

TEDDY
The Army and Navy are ready for action.

He resumes his walking down the stairs.

BROPHY
Oh, Colonel, this is grand. It’ll make a lot of kids happy.

Brophy takes the box from Teddy. Teddy looks into the box O’Hara
is carrying, and takes a model warship out of the box.

TEDDY
What’s this ? The Oregon ?

MARTHA
Oh, Teddy, dear, put it back.

She has taken her hat off.

TEDDY
But the Oregon goes to Australia.

ABBY
Now, Teddy…

Teddy tucks the model ship under his arm. O’Hara looks at him with
puzzled eyes.

TEDDY
No, it goes to Australia.

BROPHY
These are lovely. Thank you very much.

ABBY
Not at all.

Brophy moves toward the front door. O’Hara follows him, still
looking at Teddy. Teddy doesn’t seem to like the way he looks at
him, and moves the toy ship away from him.

BROPHY
The children will go crazy.

He has reached the front door. Abby has moved near the door, ready
to open it for him.

ABBY
Oh, now, don’t mention it.

O’Hara salutes Teddy.

O’HARA
Well… So long, Colonel.

Teddy looks at him and then looks at Brophy, who doesn’t salute
him. O’Hara elbows his Sargent with the arm which is saluting.

O’HARA
Hey, Sarge.

BROPHY
Hey ?

Brophy looks at Teddy and understands the situation. He also
salutes Teddy.

BROPHY
Oh, yes.

Teddy salutes them.

TEDDY
Dismissed !

Brophy and O’Hara bring their arms down.

BROPHY
Well, goodbye and thank you.
ABBY
Good bye.

Abby opens the front door. The two cops start going out, Brophy
first.

ABBY
Careful of the step here now with the toys.

BROPHY
Good night.

O’Hara goes out, and then comes one step back and shows his face
behind the door. He winks to Teddy. Teddy raises his eyebrows.

TEDDY
Young man, let that be a lesson to you.

O’Hara chuckles, then makes a strange face, and goes out.

ABBY
Goodbye.
She closes the door, and goes back to her sister and Reverend
Harper.

ABBY
Well…

REVEREND HARPER
Well, I must be going.

Teddy, still carrying his model warship, starts mounting the
stairs, stops after a few steps, takes his imaginary sword out,
points it forward and runs upstairs, yelling :

TEDDY
Charge !

He reaches the balcony, turns toward the balustrade and yells.

TEDDY
Charge the blockhouse !

He goes into his room and slams the door behind him. We hear the
grandfather’s clock chiming once.

Reverend Harper looks up at the balcony, then turns to the
Brewster sisters with puzzled eyes.

REVEREND HARPER
Blockhouse ?

MARTHA
Oh, the stairs are always San Juan Hill.

REVEREND HARPER
Oh, I…

But Reverend Harper doesn’t finish his sentence and sneezes very
loudly. He takes his handkerchief out of his pocket to put it
under his nose.

ABBY
Bless you !

REVEREND HARPER
Have you ever tried to persuade him he wasn’t Teddy
Roosevelt ?

ABBY
Oh, no !

She goes to the grandfather’s clock.

MARTHA
Oh, he’s so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.

Abby moves the minute hand of the clock back in place.

ABBY
Oh, do you remember, Martha ?
She comes back to her sister and Reverend Harper.

ABBY
Once, a long time ago, we thought if he’d be George
Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested
it.

MARTHA
And do you know what happened ? He just stayed under his
bed for days and wouldn’t be anybody.

Reverend Harper laughs.

REVEREND HARPER
Well, if he’s happy, and what’s more important, you’re
happy…

He starts walking toward the front door, followed by the Brewster
sisters. He reaches the door and opens it.

MARTHA
Oh, our only worry for Teddy is after we are gone.

They all go out.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR DAY

The three of them are coming out of the house.

REVEREND HARPER
Yes, indeed. That is quite a problem.

ABBY
But Mortimer’s made all the arrangements for Teddy to go to
Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.

REVEREND HARPER
Splendid idea ! A very pleasant place.

MARTHA
Yes…

Reverend Harper put his hat back on his head, and starts walking
toward his own house.

ABBY
Dear, sweet Reverend Harper.

The two sisters look at him. We see him cross the churchyard and
enter his house.

ABBY
You know, Martha, I really do believe he’s beginning to see
the light.

They start walking back to the door of their house.

MARTHA
I’m sure we needn’t worry about him. He won’t interfere
with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

The two sisters enter their house. Martha closes the door.

MARTHA
Oh, did you just have tea ?

ABBY
Yes. And dinner’s going to be late, too.

MARTHA
Ohh ! Why ?

They both turn their heads toward the stairs, because they just
heard Teddy’s door slamming.

ABBY
Teddy ?…

She goes to the stairs, followed by Martha. Teddy is coming down.

ABBY
Oh, Teddy, good news for you. You’re going to Panama and
dig another lock for the canal.

She points her finger toward the cellar door. Martha seems
delighted by the news.

TEDDY
Delighted !

He rubs his hands

TEDDY
That’s bully ! Just bully ! I shall prepare at once for the
journey.
He starts mounting the stairs, stops and goes back a few steps
down, takes his imaginary sword out, points it forward, and runs
upstairs, yelling :

TEDDY
Charge !

Before Teddy slams his door, Abby put her hand on the face of the
clock to prevent the minute hand falling down.

MARTHA
Abby ! While I was out ?

ABBY
Yes, dear. I just couldn’t wait for you. I didn’t know when
you’d be back, and Reverend Harper was coming.

MARTHA
But all by yourself.

ABBY
Oh, I got along fine.

MARTHA
I’ll run right downstairs and see.

She goes to the cellar door.

ABBY
No, no, dear. There wasn’t time. And I was all alone.

Martha looks around in the room, then looks at her sister with
questioning eyes.

MARTHA
Well ?

ABBY
Martha, just look in the window-seat.

She points to the large chest-bench under the window. Martha seems
delighted and both sisters go to the window-seat. They bend down
to raise the lid of the seat, when someone taps on the window
above the seat. The two sisters stand up and move the curtains
revealing Elaine’s face.

ABBY
Oh ! It’s Elaine !

Elaine raises the window and kisses the two sisters.

ELAINE
You, darlings.

She winks at them, and then runs away.

MARTHA
But, Elaine !
ABBY
What did she mean ? You don’t suppose they’ve gone and…

Martha puts her hand over her mouth.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR DAY

A taxi cab has stopped in front of the Brewster sisters house. The
driver is half inside the back of his car, apparently looking for
something. Mortimer is already out of the cab. He is whistling. He
raises his hand and yells :

MORTIMER
Elaine !

Elaine is crossing the churchyard to go to her father’s house. She
stops and turns around to look at Mortimer.

On one of the tombstones is engraved the name «Amanda Brewster»
and the dates : «1813-1863».

The Brewster sisters, who were bending out of their window to get
a better view of the scene, are coming back in, looking extremely
happy.

The cab driver gives his coat to Mortimer.

CAB DRIVER
Listen, buddy. This old cab has seen osculation but…

He whistles and goes back inside the back of the car to look for
other missing items.

MORTIMER
You ain’t seen anything yet. You’ve got to drive us to the
station.

The driver comes out of the cab, holding a hat.

CAB DRIVER
You’d better take her hat.

MORTIMER
Oh thanks.

The driver goes back inside the car.

CAB DRIVER
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a… And her brooch.

He gives Mortimer the brooch.

MORTIMER
If you find her hairpins, you can keep them. Hold on to
that.

He gives his coat back to the driver and runs away.

CAB DRIVER
Yeah !
Mortimer runs across the churchyard to meet Elaine.

We see the two Brewster sisters peeking behind the curtains of
their window.

MARTHA
There they are.

Mortimer gives Elaine her hat. She doesn’t take it.

MORTIMER
Here’s your hat.

ELAINE
Just throw it. I don’t like that look in your eyes.

MORTIMER
What ? What’s the matter ?

ELAINE
Father preached in sermon about it only last Sunday.
MORTIMER
He did ? He did ? What did he say ? What did he say ?

Elaine is trying to avoid Mortimer by going around a tree.

ELAINE
He was against it.

MORTIMER
Ah ! But that was only Sunday.

He chases her around the tree. They laugh. Mortimer starts
clowning.

MORTIMER
Please ! For heaven’s sake !

ELAINE
But, Mortimer, right out here in the open with everyone
looking ?

MORTIMER
Yeah ! Right out here in the open with everyone looking.
Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.

He starts chasing her again.

Behind their curtain, the two sisters are still peeking. They
laugh and then slightly move the curtains open a few inches to
have a better look.

Back to the tree. The couple is hidden by the tree. They separate
and move a little away from each other, each one of them appearing
on either side the tree.

Elaine drags Mortimer by the hand from behind the tree.
ELAINE
But, Mortimer, you’re going to love me for my mind, too ?

MORTIMER
One thing at a time.

She starts running away from him.

ELAINE
Oh ! There’s that look again !

Mortimer comes slowly from behind the tree, clowning.

MORTIMER
«There’s that look again, Mortimer !» You better get used
to it.

He becomes more serious and come closer to her.

MORTIMER
Look like you’re going to see it often. It goes just before
this.
He kisses her very passionately.

MORTIMER
You know what we’re doing, darling ? We’re wasting time.
Look, I’ll go tell my aunts and you tell your old… No,
you’d better not tell your father just yet. You’ll run that
cold of his into a pneumonia.

ELAINE
Oh, I can handle Father. He’s a dear.

MORTIMER
Look, why don’t we wire him from Niagara Falls ?

ELAINE
Niagara Falls ?

Mortimer nods.

ELAINE
Then that’s why you stopped at your office.

MORTIMER
Yes, certainly ! We’re going to go the whole hog. Niagara
Falls ! Everybody ought to go to Niagara Falls. You
should’ve seen my secretary’s face when I made the
reservation. We’ve got a drawing-room on the train,
the bridal suite in the hotel, and tomorrow morning
we go over the falls in a barrel.

Elaine kisses Mortimer very passionately.

MORTIMER
Go on, darling, hurry and pack.

ELAINE
I don’t have to. I started packing the day after I met you.
She starts moving away. He holds her back.

MORTIMER
There, you see ! You see ? That’s what I mean. That’s what
I hate about women.

Mortimer kisses her.

Back to the cab driver who is pacing in front of his car. He rubs
his chin.

CAB DRIVER
I wonder what Mary’s doing now ?

Mortimer and Elaine are still kissing. Mortimer lets go of Elaine.
He puts her hat on her head.

MORTIMER
Go on, darling, the train leaves in an hour, and hurry.

ELAINE
It’ll be a few minutes before I’m ready. Father may want to
pray over me a little.

She moves away.

MORTIMER
Whistle when you’re ready. Oh, Elaine…

She turns around.

ELAINE
Yeah.

MORTIMER
When you whistle, open the front door fast. If you see a
tall, dark streak of light, it’s me.

He starts running toward his aunts’ house. Elaine runs to her
father’s house.

She stops at the door of her house and starts whistling.

Mortimer, who had also reached his door, stops and turns around.

MORTIMER
What ? Now ?

He starts running toward her, but she stops him.

ELAINE
No, not now !

She opens her door.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

The two sisters are eagerly waiting for Mortimer. Martha whispers.
MARTHA
Look surprised when he tells us.

Abby laughs. They hear a door slamming in the next room.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha !

Mortimer rushes into the room and throws his hat on a chair.

MORTIMER
Hold on to your bustles. We’re married. Elaine and I are
married.

The two sisters hug and kiss Mortimer.

ABBY
Oh, darling, how wonderful ! Oh, Martha, isn’t it
wonderful ? They’re married!

MORTIMER
Yeah ! Don’t pretend to be so surprised either, you two old
frauds. Can I use the telephone, darling ?

ABBY
Yes, of course.

Mortimer goes to the telephone, followed by his two aunts.

ABBY
Isn’t it too, too wonderful ?

Mortimer sits at the small desk on which the telephone is, and
whistles while dialing.

MARTHA
And to think that it happened right here in this room !

She dabs her nose with her handkerchief.

MORTIMER
Oh, now, here, here, now ! Hello ?… Hello ? Benson’s
Florists ? This is Mortimer Brewster. Did you send those
roses to Missis Brewster’s apartment ?… You did ? Good.
Now, send four dozen more to drawing room A, Canadian
Limited, Grand Central Station. Yes… And hurry then. And
throw in a flock of orange blossoms.

He puts the telephone receiver back on his hook, and he turns on
his chair to face his aunts, his arms resting on the back of the
chair.

ABBY
But before you go, we can have our celebration. I’ll open a
bottle of wine and we’ll sing. And we’ll invite a few of
the neighbors in.

MARTHA
And, of course, a wedding cake.
MORTIMER
Oh, darling, you won’t have time to bake a cake. We’re
going to Niagara Falls. I’ve got a taxi waiting.

ABBY
Oh, it’s all ready. It’s been ready since..

MORTIMER
Yeah, I bet it’s been ready since the first day I met her,
huh ?

He stands up.

MORTIMER
What is it ? Did everybody in Brooklyn know I was getting
married, except me ?

MARTHA
Oh, we knew you’d find out about it in time.

Mortimer laughs and hugs his aunts.
MORTIMER
Come here. I’ve got the two nicest aunts in the world. Of
course, you’ve got the nicest nephew in the world, too.

Martha moves away to the kitchen.

MARTHA
Well, I’ll run along and get everything ready.

ABBY
Oh, dear. I do hope the Reverend isn’t too angry. You know
how your books upset him.

MORTIMER
Well, I’m going to burn all my books. And I’ll let the
Reverend Harper light the first match. Oh, by the way, did
I leave some notes here for my new book ?

ABBY
You mean «Mind Over Matrimony» ?

MORTIMER
Yes ! Shhh ! Where are they ?

ABBY
I hid them someplace…

Abby turns to go searching, and Mortimer pats her behind.

MORTIMER
Come on, come on. Let’s go.

Abby turns back to him.

ABBY
Now you behave.
She goes away on her search.

MORTIMER
Let’s find them before Elaine sees them.

Teddy comes out of his room on the balcony. He is dressed in full
colonial costume, complete with pith helmet. He is carrying a
shovel and his bugle is stuck in his belt. He walks rapidly down
the stairs.

He stops a few steps from the ground floor, when he spots
Mortimer. He seems very happy to see him.

TEDDY
Hello, Mortimer !

They shake hands.

MORTIMER
How are you, Mister President ?

TEDDY
Bully, thank you. Just bully. What news have you brought
me ?

Teddy takes off his pince-nez.

MORTIMER
Just this, Mister President. The country’s squarely behind
you.

TEDDY
Yes, I know. Isn’t it wonderful ?

He puts his pince-nez back on his nose, and shakes hands again
with Mortimer.

TEDDY
Well, goodbye. I’m off to Panama.

Teddy walks to the cellar door. Mortimer bends slightly.

MORTIMER
Goodbye, Mister President.

Before he opens the door, Teddy turns to Mortimer.

TEDDY
A new lock for the canal, you know.

He opens the door, and starts walking down the steps to the
cellar. Before the door closes back, we can hear him singing :

TEDDY
«Oh, tell the news to Mother».

Abby is still looking for Mortimer’s note, and, in a drawer, she
finds a piece of paper that seems to annoy her.

ABBY
Oh, dear.

MORTIMER
Did you find those notes ?

Mortimer senses there is something wrong in his aunt’s voice, and
walks to her.

MORTIMER
What’s the matter ?

She holds the paper for Mortimer to take it.

ABBY
There’s a baby picture of your brother Jonathan.

Mortimer takes the picture and looks at it.

INSERT – Close-up of the picture. It shows a very ugly child with
a very strange face.

MORTIMER
You ought to put that in the fire with my books. My, what a
face !

He gives the picture back to Abby.

MORTIMER
I remember now. He used to scare grownups with it.

Mortimer walks away from his aunt.

ABBY
Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember
how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth ?

Mortimer is searching on the small telephone desk.

MORTIMER
Oh, Jonathan ? Oh, he’s probably in prison or hanged or
something by now.

He walks across the room and starts searching on the table.

MORTIMER
I saw a play, which had a character in it. Reminded me of
Jonathan.

ABBY
No ? Really?

While talking, they both keep on searching everywhere in the room.

MORTIMER
Yeah. Oh, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits
called «Murder Will Out».

ABBY
Oh, dear !
Abby goes into the kitchen.

MORTIMER
Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up, the first
thing you see is a dead body.

While talking, he keeps on searching and opens the lid of the
window-seat. He gives its insides a quick look and closes it back,
and then moves away.

MORTIMER
The next thing…

He stops in his tracks and looks back at the window-seat. He jumps
back to it, opens the lid and closes it very quickly. He then sits
on the seat with a frightened look on his face. Slowly, he kneels
down on the floor, and opens the lid again, but very slowly. He
talks to whatever, or whomever, is in the seat.

MORTIMER
Hey, mister.
He remains a few seconds seated of the seat, with a very puzzled
face.

We hear Elaine whistling. Mortimer tries to whistle back, but no
sound comes from his mouth. He tries again, but with no more
success. He seems in shock.

He looks at the kitchen, then at the seat. There is horror on his
face.

His two aunts come from the kitchen, singing and carrying things
for the celebration.

Mortimer shows a forced smile.

The two sisters puts things on the table, then they come to
Mortimer, who is still seated on the window-seat. Abby is carrying
a big bowl of rice, and the two girls start throwing rice on him.

ABBY
Happy bridegroom !

MARTHA
Congratulations, darling !

MORTIMER
Never mind that now. I know.

Mortimer takes the bowl from Abby’s hands and put it on a small
table. He remains seated while his aunts are standing in front of
him.

MORTIMER
Now, listen, darlings. Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha, you know how
we’ve always planned to send Teddy to that Sanitarium,
Happy Dale ?

ABBY
Oh, yes, dear. That’s after we’re gone.

They move away to start setting the table.

ABBY
Yes, we talked with Reverend Harper about it.

MORTIMER
No, no. Teddy’s got to go to Happy Dale now. At once ! Now,
he’s down in the cellar. Get him up here right away.

MARTHA
But, there’s no such hurry as yet, you know.

ABBY
No… When Teddy’s working on the canal, you can’t get his
mind on anything else.

Mortimer stands up and comes to the table where his aunts are
working.

MORTIMER
Well, look, darlings. Look, I’m frightfully sorry, but I’ve
got an awful shock for you.

He takes Abby’s hands in his.

MORTIMER
Teddy’s killed a man, darlings !

Martha laughs.

MARTHA
Nonsense !

MORTIMER
(he yells)
But there’s a body in the window-seat !

ABBY
Yes, dear. We know.

Mortimer looks even more shocked than before. His two aunts keep
on setting the table as if nothing had happened.

MORTIMER
You know ?

MARTHA
Of course.

ABBY
Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.

Mortimer wants to speak, but Abby stops him.

ABBY
Now, Mortimer. You just forget about it. Forget you ever
saw the gentleman.
MORTIMER
Forget ?

ABBY
We never dreamed you’d peek.

MORTIMER
What the… Who is he ?

ABBY
He’s a Mister Hoskins. Adam Hoskins. That’s really all I
know about him, except that he’s a Methodist.

MARTHA
Oh ! He’s a Methodist ? Isn’t that nice.

MORTIMER
That’s all you know ? But what’s he doing here ? What
happened to him ?

Mortimer is more and more shocked and his aunts, very calmly, keep
on putting plates and silverware on the table.
MARTHA
He died.

MORTIMER
Look, Aunt Martha, men just don’t get into window-seats and
die.

ABBY
No, dear. He died first.

Mortimer takes his aunts’ hands to stop them from setting the
table.

MORTIMER
Oh, well, now wait ! Stop all this.

He takes Abby’s hands in his.

MORTIMER
Now look, darlings, how did he die ?

ABBY
Oh, Mortimer, don’t be so inquisitive. The gentleman died
because he drank some wine with poison in it.

MORTIMER
But, how did the poison get in the wine ?

MARTHA
Well we put it in wine because it’s less noticeable.
When it’s in tea, it has a distinct odor.

MORTIMER
You mean you…
(yelling)
You put it in the wine ?
ABBY
Yes. And I put Mister Hoskins in the window-seat, because
Reverend Harper was coming.

Mortimer seems ready to faint.

MORTIMER
Ohh ! Look at me, darling.

He takes again Abby’s hands in his.

MORTIMER
You mean, you mean you knew what you’d done and you didn’t
want the Reverend Harper to see the body ?

ABBY
Well, not at tea. That wouldn’t have been very nice.

Abby goes back table-setting and Mortimer holds himself on the
edge of the table.

MORTIMER
Ohh ! It’s first-degree.

ABBY
Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about
it. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own
little secrets.

Martha walks to the kitchen door, but she stops and turns around.

MARTHA
Oh, Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Missis Schultz.
She’s much better. But she wants us to take Junior to the
movies again.

ABBY
Well, we must do that, tomorrow or next day.

MARTHA
Yes, but this time we’ll go where we want to go. Junior’s
not going to drag me into another one of those scary
pictures.

The two sisters enter the kitchen.

ABBY
No, they ought not to be allowed to make those pictures
just to frighten people.

Mortimer remains alone in the room. He has the face of someone who
thinks he is having a nightmare and hopes to wake up soon.

He goes to the telephone desk, picks up the phone and dials «0».

MORTIMER
Operator ?… Can you hear my voice ?… You can ?…
Are you sure ?…

He puts the phone down.
MORTIMER
Then I must be here.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR DAY

Elaine is appearing of her room in her father’s house. She has got
her purse and her gloves. She plays with a large artificial
flower. She whistles.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

Mortimer, half-seated on the telephone desk, comes out of his
dream, and goes to the window. By signs only, he tries to explain
to Elaine that he’s got a problem with the window-seat. We don’t
see her, but we imagine she doesn’t understand, because Mortimer
rushes to the kitchen.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – KITCHEN – INTERIOR DAY

Mortimer rushes into the kitchen.
MORTIMER
Aunt Abby ! Aunt Martha !

He stops abruptly. A group of costumed and masked children are
gathered behind the window. Martha is distributing watermelons,
pumpkins and pies to them. The children are saying
incomprehensible words of thanking.

Martha closes the window on them, and switches on the lights.

ABBY
Oh, the dears. Isn’t Halloween a wonderful time for them ?

MARTHA
Yes, it is. They have so much fun.

They both go back to their cooking work in the kitchen. Martha is
preparing some kind of desert in a bowl.

MARTHA
Now, Mortimer, don’t be so impatient. We’ll let you lick
the bowl out.

MORTIMER
Lick the bowl ? I don’t want to lick the bowl. I want to
know what we’re going to do !

MARTHA
Well, we’re going to celebrate, dear.

MORTIMER
Celebrate ? There’s a body in the window-seat !

ABBY
Yes, dear. Mister Hoskins.

MORTIMER
Oh, I know what his name is. I just want to know what we’re
going to do. We can’t turn you over to the police.

Mortimer paces the kitchen, while his aunts are busy cooking.

ABBY
Yes. You just should get stop worrying about it.

MARTHA
We told you to forget the whole thing.

MORTIMER
(yelling)
Forget ? Look, my dear aunt Martha, can’t I make you
realize that something has to be done ?

Abby leaves the stove where she was working and comes to the
table.

ABBY
Now, Mortimer, you behave. You’re too old to be flying off
the handle like this.
MORTIMER
But, but Mister Hodgekiss…

ABBY
Hoskins, dear.

MORTIMER
But whatever his name is, you can’t leave him in there.

MARTHA
We don’t intend to, dear.

ABBY
No, Teddy’s down in the cellar now, digging the lock.

Mortimer looks very shocked.

MORTIMER
Oh, you mean you’re going to bury Mister Hodgekiss in the
cellar ?

MARTHA
Oh, yes, dear. That’s what we did with the others.

MORTIMER
Look, here, Aunt Martha. You can’t…

He comes close to the table where Martha is working. And all of a
sudden, he seems to realize what she just said.

MORTIMER
Others ?

MARTHA
The other gentlemen.

MORTIMER
Oh ! When you say «others», do you mean «others» ? More
than one «others» ?

Martha laughs.

MARTHA
Oh, yes, dear. Let me see now. This is eleven, isn’t it,
Abby ?

ABBY
Oh no, dear. This makes twelve.

MARTHA
Abby, dear, I think you’re wrong. This one is only eleven.

ABBY
No, dear, because I remember when Mister Hoskins first came
in, it occurred to me that he’d make just an even dozen.

Mortimer seems completely dejected and he sits down, not even
listening to his aunts anymore.

MARTHA
But, look, Abby dear, I really don’t think you should count
the first one.

ABBY
Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.

MARTHA
It does ?

Abby, who is sucking her finger, nods to answer.

MARTHA
Well, she’s probably right. Abby usually is. I get them
mixed up sometimes.

MORTIMER
Makes it twelve. Well…

The telephone rings. Mortimer puts his hand to his ear.

MORTIMER
Hello ?

He suddenly realizes that he doesn’t have a telephone in his hand.

MORTIMER
Oh !

He rushes out of the kitchen.

ABBY
Well, whatever is the matter with Mortimer today ?

MARTHA
Why, Abby, what do you think happened to him ?

They walk out of the kitchen.
BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

Mortimer sits at the telephone desk and picks up the phone.

MORTIMER
Hello ?

We hear some whistling, coming from the telephone. Mortimer takes
the receiver a bit away from his ear, surprised. Then he takes it
back.

MORTIMER
Not now. Not now. For heaven’s sake, keep your shirt on !

He slams the phone down on his hook. Then he realizes he has been
rude, and picks it up again.

MORTIMER
Oh… Oh, Elaine, I didn’t mean…

He realizes there is no one on the phone, and puts it back down.
MORTIMER
Now, let’s see. Where were we ? Twelve.
(he yells)
Twelve !

He jumps from his chair and rushes toward the kitchen. But, when
he sees his two aunts setting the table, he stops and goes to
them.

MARTHA
Yes, dear. Abby thinks we should count the first one.

MORTIMER
Never mind about that. Just sit down.

Martha sits down.

MORTIMER
Now, tell me, who was the first one ?

ABBY
Mister Midgely. He was a Baptist.

MARTHA
He was such a lonely, old gentleman, Mister Midgely was.

ABBY
All his kith and kin were dead.

MARTHA
We felt so sorry for him.

ABBY
And then, when his heart attack came, and he sat there dead
in that chair, looking so peaceful. Remember, Martha ? We
made up our minds, then and there, that if we could help
other lonely, old men to find that same peace, we would.
MORTIMER
Why, you poor… You mean, he dropped dead right in this
chair ?

Mortimer realizes it’s the chair he’s sitting on, and stands up
very quickly.

ABBY
And then, you see, Teddy came up from digging in Panama,
and he thought Mister Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.
And that meant he had to be buried immediately.

MORTIMER
So ?

MARTHA
So, we all took him down to Panama, and put him in the lock
and gave him a decent Christian burial. There, now you
see ?
(she stands up)
That’s why we told you not to bother about it, because we
know exactly what’s to be done.
Mortimer is sitting on the table, and seems not to know what he
must do next. But he suddenly stands up.

MORTIMER
Wait a minute !

He rushes to his aunts.

MORTIMER
Come here, darlings. What about the others ? All twelve of
them didn’t walk in here and drop dead.

ABBY
Oh, no, dear. Of course not !

MORTIMER
Well, so, so…

Abby whispers something in Martha’s ear. Martha looks at Mortimer,
smiles, and whispers back in her sister’s ear.

MARTHA
Mortimer.

MORTIMER
Wh… what?

MARTHA
Do you remember those jars of poison that were on the
shelves in Grandfather’s laboratory all these years ?

ABBY
You know your Aunt Martha’s knack for mixing things.
You’ve eaten enough of her piccalilli.

MARTHA
Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one
teaspoonful of arsenic, then add half a teaspoonful of
strychnine. And then, just a pinch of cyanide.

MORTIMER
Mmmm ! Should have quite a kick.

ABBY
Yes, as a matter of fact, one of our gentlemen found time
to say : «How delicious !»

MORTIMER
He did ? Well, wasn’t that nice of him ?

MARTHA
Abby, we mustn’t be standing here gossiping all night.
Well, we must get that cake frosted.

She moves toward the kitchen, followed by Abby.

MORTIMER
Oh no, darling, don’t worry about the cake. I couldn’t eat
a thing.
ABBY
Oh, you newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.

MORTIMER
That’d be nice, darling, a sip of… A sip of wine !

He stands up.

MORTIMER
Wine !

He wants to move away, but his foot get entangled in the back of a
chair, and he almost falls down.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR DAY

Elaine appears at the window of her room. She is arranging the
artificial flower on the lapel of her jacket. She moves away from
the window.

The cab driver is still pacing on the sidewalk near his car.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

Mortimer closes the drapes between the sitting-room and the next
room. He then goes to the cellar door and opens the door ajar. A
cat meows and comes out through the opening. We hear Teddy singing
down in the cellar.

MORTIMER
I’m beginning to think the cat’s in on this.

He listens to the singing coming from the cellar.

MORTIMER
He’s wonderful. Happy as a lark. Singing away, digging
locks.
He closes the cellar door.

MORTIMER
Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Oh, I can see the
headlines now : «Murder Incorporator Rides Again» right
across the front page. Let me see… Teddy ! Of course.
Everybody knows he’s crazy. Let me see. Who can I call up ?
Dewey, La Guardia, Winchell ? No, Winchell’s no good. Old
Judge Cullman !

He starts moving across the room, putting his hand in the inside
breast pocket of his jacket.

MORTIMER
I wonder if I got his number.

He gets a couple of tickets out of his pocket. He sits at the
small telephone desk.

MORTIMER
What am I doing with tickets ?
He throws the tickets on the desk. He picks up the phone, and
starts dialing.

MORTIMER
Information… Hello ? Information ?… Get me the number
of Judge Cullman on North Shore Road, Brooklyn. Yeah, would
you call me back ?

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

The night has come. Elaine is walking very rapidly on the
sidewalk. She passes near the taxi. The driver opens the door for
her, but she keeps on walking.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer is standing by the window-seat. All the drapes are
closed. He bends down.

MORTIMER
How it would be marvelous if he wasn’t there.

He slowly opens the lid of the seat. When the lid is a few inches
open, he peeks inside.

ELAINE
(voice over)
Hey, you !

When he hears Elaine’s voice, Mortimer slams the lid down and sit
on the seat.

ELAINE
Thought you were tall, dark streak of light.

She is standing by the half-open door, and she makes the gestures
Mortimer made when he had told her the same sentence, earlier in
the churchyard.

MORTIMER
What are you doing here?

ELAINE
What am I doing here ? Didn’t you hear me whistle ?

MORTIMER
Whistle ? Oh, yes, yes. I heard you whistle. But…

He stands up and comes to her in the middle of the room. He gives
her a quick kiss.

ELAINE
Hey, how do I look ?

She pivots to show him the way she is dressed.

MORTIMER
Oh, you look fine, you look fine. Now, run on home. I’ll
call you up tomorrow.
ELAINE
Tomorrow ?

He pushes her toward the door.

MORTIMER
Yeah, you know I always call you up every day or two.

She laughs.

ELAINE
Oh ! you and your gags ! Where’s your hat ? Come on. The
bags are in the taxi.

MORTIMER
Huh ? Taxi ? Huh, huh, huh ?

She is pulling him toward the door.

ELAINE
Yeah, come on !

MORTIMER
Oh, Elaine, I’m so sorry. But something’s happened.

ELAINE
What’d you do, lose your nerve ? Hey, where’s that look
I was going to see so often ?

She takes his head to bring her mouth close to his ear, and then
she starts whistling. He moves away and rubs his ear.

MORTIMER
Oh, stop ! Don’t whistle in my ear, please.

ELAINE
Mortimer, what is wrong ? Look at your hair.
He bends down for her to see his hair better.

MORTIMER
Oh, my God, what color is it ? Quick ! Has it turned ?

ELAINE
Oh, darling, what’s the matter ? What happened ?

She starts stroking his face. He bends down on her shoulder.

MORTIMER
Oh, Elaine, if I could only tell you, Elaine. You smell so
nice.

The phone rings. Mortimer jumps up

MORTIMER
Oh ! Oh !

He pushes her out through the open door.
MORTIMER
You better go home !

ELAINE
But, darling, we were married today.

MORTIMER
All right, go home, go to bed, get some rest !

ELAINE
Rest ?

He slams the door on her, and rushes to the telephone. He sits
down at the desk and picks up the phone.

MORTIMER
Who ? Who ? Judge Cullman ?

The front door opens, and Elaine comes back inside the house.

MORTIMER
This is Mortimer Brewster. Look, Judge, I’ll tell you why I
called you. It’s about Teddy.

Elaine crosses the room and sits on the window-seat.

MORTIMER
I’ve got to come over and see you right away. Oh, I’m
afraid it won’t wait until tomorrow, Judge. Yeah, you see,
it’s very, very important. We’ve got to do something about
it immediately. But it’s practically a matter of life
and…

Mortimer turns his head and sees Elaine sitting on the window-
seat. He drops the phone on the desk, and yells :

MORTIMER
Elaine !
Elaine, frightened, jumps up from the seat. Mortimer rushes to
her.

MORTIMER
Will you get out of here ?

ELAINE
Mortimer, what in the world is going on around here ? I
don’t even know where I stand !

MORTIMER
Anywhere, but don’t stand there !

He moves her away from the window-seat.

ELAINE
But, darling, Niagara Falls !

MORTIMER
If it does, we’ll let it !
ELAINE
Now, wait a minute ! Listen. You can’t marry me one minute
and then throw me out the house the next !

MORTIMER
Oh, darling, I’m not throwing you out of the house !

He lifts her and actually throws her out of the house

MORTIMER
Will you get out of here ?

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Elaine bumps into an old man, Mr. Gibbs, standing just outside the
entrance of the house. He is holding a newspaper in his hand.

She comes back to the door, but Mortimer slams it in her face.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer locks the door and goes back to the phone

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Elaine is knocking desperately on the door. Gibbs is still behind
her.

ELAINE
Mortimer !

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer is back sitting at the desk and talking into the phone.
In the background, we hear Elaine’s pounding on the door.

MORTIMER
I’m sorry, Judge. But… a thing happened. But, Judge,
about Teddy, you see…

ELAINE
(voice over)
Mortimer !

MORTIMER
Hold it. You see, Judge, it’s his bugle blowing. Yes, the
neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set
to throw him into a state institution.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Elaine seems quite angry.

ELAINE
How do you like that ?

Gibbs shows his newspaper to Elaine

GIBBS
I read an ad here about a room to rent.
ELAINE
Oh ! Shut up !

She walks away, leaving Gibbs at the door. She walks quickly by
the taxi. The driver opens the door for her, but she walks on with
quick steps.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer is still on the phone.

MORTIMER
Well, I thought that if you sign the papers, I can get
Teddy to commit himself, and get him in Happy Dale… Yes,
it’s a wonderful place, Judge… You will ?… Fine ! I’ll
be over right as soon as I’ve made another call.

The front door bell rings.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Gibbs is standing by the door, ringing the bell.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Abby comes in the room from the kitchen. Mortimer is still on the
phone.

ABBY
Doorbell’s ringing, dear.

She crosses the room to the front door. She opens the door,
revealing Gibbs.

ABBY
Oh, how do you do ? Come in.
The kitchen door has remained open, and we see Martha still
working on her cooking.

GIBBS
(voice over)
I understand you’ve got a room to rent.

Hearing that, Martha drops her cooking and comes into the room.

ABBY
Yes… Do step in.

Abby opens the door wide for him to get in.

GIBBS
Well, are you the lady of the house ?

ABBY
Yes, I’m Miss Brewster.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Yeah, operator ? Give me long distance, please.

Martha has joined her sister.

ABBY
And this is my sister. Another Miss Brewster.

Gibbs takes off his hat.

GIBBS
My name’s Gibbs.

Quick shot on Mortimer, still on the phone. He gives a quick look
toward his aunts, but doesn’t seem interested.

ABBY
Well, do sit down. I’m sorry, but we’re just setting the
table for dinner.

She moves an armchair on the other side of the table.

ABBY
Now, this would be a nice comfortable chair.

Back to Mortimer.

MORTIMER
Oh. Hello, long distance ? I want the Happy Dale
Sanitarium, Happy Dale, New York.

Back to Gibbs and the sisters.

ABBY
Is Brooklyn your home ?

GIBBS
I haven’t got a home. I live in a hotel. Don’t like it.
MARTHA
A… are your family Brooklyn people ?

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Hello ? Hap…

GIBBS
Haven’t got any family.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Well, operator…

ABBY
All alone in the world ?

GIBBS
Yeah.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
No, no…

Abby looks at her sister with a knowing smile.

ABBY
Well, Martha….

MORTIMER
(voice over)
No, Happy Dale… Yes.

ABBY
Well, you’ve come to just the right house. You sit down.

She helps him sit down in the armchair, while Martha is bringing a
carafe of wine and a glass.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Dale. «D» like in «dig», you know, when you dig a lock.
That’s right. «A» like in «arsenic». Got that ?

Short close-up on the carafe of wine, now on the table.

GIBBS
Is there always this much noise ?

MARTHA
Oh ! He doesn’t live with us.

Mortimer is standing, with the telephone set in one hand, and the
receiver on his ear in the other hand. He whispers.

MORTIMER
I can see the headlines now. Oh, please.
(back to normal voice)
Hello ?
Back to the table.

GIBBS
I’d really like to see the room. Well, I don’t think I’ll
like it.

He stands up and takes his hat, which he had put on the table.

ABBY
The room’s upstairs.

Abby is seated at the table, with Martha standing behind her. She
takes the carafe.

ABBY
Won’t you try a glass of our wine before we start up ?

GIBBS
Never touch it.

MARTHA
Well, we make this ourselves. It’s elderberry wine.
GIBBS
Elderberry ?

He puts his hat back on the table and sits down.

GIBBS
I haven’t tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Oh…

GIBBS
Thank you.

Abby starts pouring the wine in the glass.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Operator ! Well, I don’t want the Happy Dale Laundry !
I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium ! Sanitarium !
Sanitarium ! Sanitarium ! Yes, like a broken record !

Gibbs takes the glass from Abby.

GIBBS
Have your own elderberry bushes ?

MARTHA
No, but the cemetery’s full of them.

Gibbs raises his glass.

GIBBS
Well, skoal.

In the background, Mortimer is yelling louder and louder. Gibbs,
who had the glass almost to his lips, puts it down. The two
sisters watch him with expecting eyes.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Hello, operator! No, operator, what’s taking you so long ?
It’s only across the river ! I could swim it faster ! Yes !
Hello ! Hello…

Gibbs, who had taken the glass back to his lips, put it down once
more.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
What ?… What, they’re busy ? Busy ? They’re busy and
you’re dizzy ! No, I’m not drunk, madam, but you’ve given
me an idea !

A noise of chairs and various objects falling.

Mortimer comes to the table and takes the carafe and a glass.
Abby, concentrated on Gibbs raising the glass to his lips again,
doesn’t see him, but Martha does, and seems very anxious about it.
She taps her two forefingers together.

MARTHA
Mortimer ! Ah-ah ah-ah !…

Mortimer keeps on pouring the wine in the glass

MORTIMER
Darling, don’t «ah-ah ah-ah», I’m nervous. Don’t do this.

Abby sees him. She turns around, and very calmly, holds the hand
which is holding the glass.

ABBY
Mortimer. Not that.

He puts the glass down, and suddenly realizes the situation. He
looks at Gibbs, who has taken the glass to his lips. He yells and
Gibbs, frightened, stands up and drops the glass on the floor.
Mortimer points his finger at him.

MORTIMER
Get out of here ! Do you want to be poisoned, do you want
to be murdered, do you want to be killed ? Do you ?

Gibbs grabs his hat and runs to the front door. Mortimer runs
after him and falls over an armchair standing in his way. The two
sisters seem very upset.

Gibbs gets out and slams the door.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Gibbs runs out of the house, and stops by the cab driver, who is
seated near his taxi, smoking a cigarette.

GIBBS
They… they’re nuts !

CAB DRIVER
Hey, you’re telling me !

Gibbs runs away in the street.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

The two sisters are seated on the window-seat. Mortimer slowly
raises himself from the overturned armchair.

MORTIMER
Look, you can’t do things like that !

He stands up and puts the armchair back on its legs.

MORTIMER
Now I don’t know how I can explain this to you, but it’s
not only against the law, it’s wrong.

He walks slowly toward them.
ABBY
Oh, piffle !

Both sisters are sulking.

MORTIMER
It’s not a nice thing to do. People wouldn’t understand.

He points to the front door and the departed Mr. Gibbs.

MORTIMER
He wouldn’t understand. What I mean is… Well… This is
developing into a very bad habit !

The telephone rings.

MORTIMER
Oh… Yes…

He goes to the desk, sits on the chair, and picks up the phone.

MORTIMER
Hello ?… Who ?… Oh, Happy Dale Sanitarium ? Oh, that’s
amazing, operator. Yeah… Happy Dale ? Oh, let me talk to
Mister Witherspoon, please.

WITHERSPOON’S OFFICE – INTERIOR NIGHT

Witherspoon is sitting behind his desk, the telephone receiver to
his ear.

WITHERSPOON
Mr. Witherspoon speaking… Oh, how do you do, Mister
Brewster ? How are you ?

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT
Mortimer is still at the desk, telephoning.

MORTIMER
Uh… uh… Well, Mister Witherspoon, do you… Oh, I’m
fine, thanks. How are you ? Mister Witherspoon, do you
remember that conversation we had about committing my
brother Teddy to Happy Dale ?… You do ? Well, we want to
commit him there immediately.

WITHERSPOON’S OFFICE – INTERIOR NIGHT

WITHERSPOON
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I’d hoped we
wouldn’t have him for some time yet. Well, you see, Mister
Brewster, we have several Theodore Roosevelts at the
moment, and it would lead to trouble. Oh, trouble… Oh,
now, if he thought that… Look, Mr. Brewster, we’re a bit
short of Napoleons at present. The Bonaparte. And if…
Oh… oh, I see. Of course. Well, if your mind is made up.
Yes. Yes. Have you had the papers drawn up ?

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT
MORTIMER
No, but I’m going to attend to it right now and call you as
soon as I have them. Thank you, Mister… What ?… All
right. Thank you, Mister Witherspoon.

He puts the phone down.

WITHERSPOON’S OFFICE – INTERIOR NIGHT

Witherspoon puts his phone down

WITHERSPOON
Another Roosevelt. Oh, dear, dear.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer goes back to his aunts, still sitting on the window-seat.

MORTIMER
Now listen, darlings. I’ve got to run over to Judge
Cullman’s, but, before I go, I want you to promise me
something.

MARTHA
Well, we’d have to know what it was first.

MORTIMER
Well, I love you both very much. And you know I’d do
anything in the world for you, don’t you ?

ABBY
Yes, dear.

MORTIMER
All right, then I want you to do one little thing for me,
like good girls.
ABBY
What do you want us to do ?

MORTIMER
Don’t do anything. I mean, don’t do anything ! Don’t let
anyone in the house and leave Mr. Whosit right where he is.
Oh ! Get off that thing. I can’t talk to you… I can’t
concentrate.

He makes them stand up from the window-seat.

MORTIMER
Now, look, darlings, I wouldn’t want anything in the world
to happen to either of you.

ABBY
But, what on earth could happen to us?

MORTIMER
Well, darling… Anyway, you’ll do that little thing for
me, won’t you ? All right.
Abby nods.

MORTIMER
Where’s my hat ? There it is.

He leaves them to pick up his hat.

MARTHA
But, Mortimer.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
What, darling, what ?

MARTHA
We were planning to hold services before dinner.

MORTIMER
Look, couldn’t that wait until I get back ?

ABBY
Oh, and you could join us in the hymns !

MORTIMER
Yes, darling, I could join you in the hymns. I’ll sing with
you, I’ll dance with you, I’ll do anything. But…
remember, don’t let anybody in the house until I get back.
You promise ?

Abby and Martha nod.

MORTIMER
Good.

He puts the hat on his head. The hat is ostensibly to large for
him. He opens the front door

ABBY
(voice over)
Mortimer !

He was almost out, but he turns around.

MORTIMER
What ?

Abby points to the hat, but can’t talk.

ABBY
Uh-uh-uh-uh !…

MORTIMER
Stop that «uh-uh-uh». What is it ?

ABBY
Mr. Hoskins’ hat !

Mortimer raises his eyes, and tears the had off his head

MORTIMER
Ohhhh !…

He throws the hat away, leaves and closes the door.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

The cab driver is pacing back and forth on the sidewalk near his
taxi.

Mortimer comes running out of the house. The driver goes toward
him.

CAB DRIVER
Do you still want me to wait here ?

MORTIMER
Yes ! Call me a cab !

CAB DRIVER
Yeah. Okay, okay !

They run together and stop in front of the parked taxi. The driver
waves his arm.

CAB DRIVER
Hey, cab !… Here you are.

Another taxi stops near the first one. The driver wants to open
the back door for Mortimer.

MORTIMER
Don’t open it. I’ll sit with you !

CAB DRIVER
Yeah, that’s right. I can go faster that way. Sure.

Mortimer climbs in the front of the taxi, next to the driver. The
taxi drives away, and the first driver remains on the street,
touching his cap.

CAB DRIVER
Wait a minute ! What am I doing ? Hey !

He pats his own taxi, points his finger to it and waves for the
other taxi to come back.

CAB DRIVER
Come here !

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Abby picks up Mr. Hoskins’ hat. She brushes it with her hand and
gives it to Martha.

ABBY
Fancy getting nice Mr. Hoskins’ hat all mussed up.

MARTHA
Shame ! Such a nice hat.
She crosses the room and, takes a brush on a cupboard near the
window-seat, and starts brushing the hat.

MARTHA
You know, Abby, Mortimer didn’t seem to be quite himself
today.

Abby brings two candlesticks on the table

ABBY
No. Oh, well.

Martha opens the cupboard, which is full of man’s hats. She puts
Hoskins’ hat with the others, and then closes the cupboard

MARTHA
Well, what were you saying about Mortimer ?

Abby has lit the candles.

ABBY
Oh, I think I understand why he seemed so upset.

MARTHA
Why ?

ABBY
He’s just been married. I believe that always makes a man a
little nervous.

MARTHA
Oh, yes. The poor dears.

She crosses the room to the door to switch off the lights

MARTHA
I’m so happy for Elaine. Oh, Abby ! If Mortimer’s coming
back for the services for Mr. Hoskins, we’re going to need
another hymnal. There’s one up in my room.

Knocks at the front door. Through the frosted window-panels of the
door, we see the shadows of two men.

ABBY
Oh, I’ll go, dear.

MARTHA
Abby, we promised Mortimer we wouldn’t let anyone come in.

More knocks at the door. Martha peeks through the drapes of a
convenient window, a few steps above floor-level on the staircase.

MARTHA
Abby ! Two men, and I’ve never seen them before.

ABBY
Are you sure ?

MARTHA
Yes.
ABBY
Let me look.

Abby climbs the steps and comes near her sister to peek through
the drapes

MARTHA
You look.

The two shadows knock again.

MARTHA
Do you recognize them ?

ABBY
No, they’re strangers to me.

MARTHA
Well, we’ll just have to pretend we’re not at home.

The front door opens. The tallest of the two men, dressed in black
and wearing a large hat, comes in first. The other one, shorter
and hatless, follows him.

We get a close-up of the face of the tall man, actually Jonathan
Brewster. It’s full of scars and it makes him look a bit like
Boris Karloff in the Frankenstein films. He looks around the room.

JONATHAN
Come in, doctor.

Doctor Einstein, who was waiting at the door, comes into the room,
and closes the door behind him.

JONATHAN
This is the home of my youth. As a boy, I couldn’t wait to
escape from this house. Now I’m glad to escape back into
it.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes, Johnny, it’s a good hideout.

He takes a small bottle from an inside pocket of his jacket, and
takes a sip at it.

JONATHAN
The family must still live here. I hope there’s a fatted
calf awaiting the return of the prodigal.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
A fatted calf ? Oh, Johnny, I’m so hungry.

He comes closer to the table.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Look, Johnny. Drink.

JONATHAN
As if we were expected.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes.

JONATHAN
A good omen.

Einstein pours some wine from the carafe in a glass. Jonathan
takes a glass already full on the table.

Abby gets down the few steps, followed by Martha.

ABBY
Who are you ? What are you doing here ?

The two men put their glasses down on the table

JONATHAN
Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha. It’s Jonathan.

MARTHA
You, you get out of here !

JONATHAN
I’m Jonathan, you know. Your nephew, Jonathan.

He takes his hat off.

ABBY
Oh no, you’re not. You’re nothing like Jonathan, so don’t
pretend you are. You just get out of here.

She points to the door.

JONATHAN
I see you’re still wearing the lovely garnet ring that
Grandma Brewster bought in England. And you, Aunt Martha,
still the high collar to hide the scar where Grandfather’s
acid burned you.

MARTHA
Why, his voice is like Jonathan’s.

ABBY
Have, have you been in an accident ?

JONATHAN
My face. Doctor Einstein is responsible for that. He’s a
plastic surgeon.

MARTHA
But I’ve seen that face before. Do you remember when we
took the little Schultz boy to the movies and I was so
frightened ? It was that face.

Jonathan turns around and look harshly at Einstein, who seems a
bit uneasy.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don’t worry. The last
five years, I give him three different faces. I give him
another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture,
too, just before I operated. I was intoxicated.

Jonathan grabs Einstein’s collar and squeezes it.

JONATHAN
You see, doctor, what you’ve done to me ? Even my own
family think I’m…

Einstein has breathing problems because of Jonathan’s squeezing.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Johnny, Johnny ! You are home in this lovely house.

Jonathan lets go of Einstein, who walks toward the two sisters.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You know how many times he tells me about… about
Brooklyn, about this house, and about his aunts he loves so
much ? They know you, Johnny. Please tell him so.

ABBY
Well, Jonathan, it’s been a long time.

Jonathan sits down.

JONATHAN
Bless you. It’s good to be home again.

Abby turns toward Martha, and then goes down the few last steps to
floor level.

ABBY
Well, Martha, we mustn’t let what’s on the stove boil over.

She picks up the glasses on the table.
ABBY
If you’ll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you’re
in a hurry to go somewhere.

She goes to the kitchen with the glasses. Martha picks up the wine
carafe, to the disappointment of Dr. Einstein, and follows her
sister toward the kitchen. Before entering the kitchen, she puts
the carafe back on the shelf where it was before. She then closes
the kitchen door after her.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Well, Johnny, where do we go from here ? You know, Johnny,
we got to think fast.

Close-up on the hands of Jonathan playing with a metallic brain-
teaser.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
The police, they got pictures of that face. I got to
operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got
to find someplace for Mister Spenalzo, too.
While talking, he has taken another sip from his bottle.

JONATHAN
Don’t waste any worry on that rat.

Einstein stands up.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But we got a hot stiff on our hands.

JONATHAN
Forget Mr. Spenalzo.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But, Johnny, we can’t leave a dead body in the rumble seat.
You shouldn’t have killed him. Just because he knows
something about us, what happens ?

Einstein mimes the breaking of a neck with his hands.

JONATHAN
We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down.
Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That’s your
work, doctor. You did that to me.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, please, Johnny, take it easy. We’ll find some place
and I’ll fix you up right away.

JONATHAN
Tonight.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first.

The two sisters are peeking in the room through a small
rectangular hole in the door of the kitchen.
JONATHAN
This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes, Johnny. I know exactly what I’m going to do.

He comes close to Jonathan and shows him on his face what he is
going to do to it.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You see, I’m going to take this piece here and lift it
up…

JONATHAN
Be careful about the stitches this time.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You leave that up to me. I’ll give you nice little ears
and…

JONATHAN
You were careless last time.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
And new stitches. And on the eyes I’ll do a Schmidt. That’s
my specialty. You see, I take it together like this…

JONATHAN
Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone.

The scene dissolves to :

JUDGE CULLMAN’S OFFICE – INTERIOR DAY.

The judge is sitting, studying some papers. Mortimer is standing
at his side.

JUDGE CULLMAN
Poor Teddy. I imagine it’s for the best.

He drops the papers on the desk and starts declaiming.

JUDGE CULLMAN
Well… «Ours not to reason why, ours but to do…»

Mortimer is very irritated by the Judge’s erratic attitude. He
puts a pen in his hand.

MORTIMER
Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there.

JUDGE CULLMAN
Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic
state…

Mortimer takes the pen from the Judge’s hand and starts signing
the papers.

MORTIMER
Yes, I know, we’d all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign
here as next of kin, don’t I ?

JUDGE CULLMAN
Only last week I created a mild sensation at the Bar
Association, when I said…

Mortimer dries the document, and shakes the Judge’s hand.

MORTIMER
Yes. Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you.

He walks to the door of the office.

JUDGE CULLMAN
Tell Martha and Abby I’ll be over this week. I’ve been
feeling rather lonely.

Mortimer comes back on his steps.

MORTIMER
No ! No ! Oh no ! Never tell them you’ve been lonely.
Never !
JUDGE CULLMAN
Why, I… I… I…

Mortimer comes back to the Judge’s desk.

MORTIMER
Judge ! Tell me, are you a drinking man ?

JUDGE CULLMAN
Why, no. I never indulge.

MORTIMER
Good ! Then you’ll live longer.

He goes back to the door.

JUDGE CULLMAN
Of course a little wine now…

MORTIMER
No ! No ! For heaven’s sake, no wine ! No wine !

He goes out, slamming the door behind him. The Judge looks
pensively at the door Mortimer just closed.

JUDGE CULLMAN
I may be committing the wrong Brewster.

The scene dissolves to :

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

The Brewster sister are sitting at the table with Doctor Einstein
and Jonathan. The dinner is finished, and both men are smoking.

ABBY
Well, I’m sure you both want to get to wherever you’re
going.

The two sisters stands up from the table.

JONATHAN
My dear, sweet aunties, I’m so full of your delicious
dinner I’m unable to move a muscle.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes, it’s nice here.

Teddy comes out of his room on the balcony. He is still wearing
his colonial costume. He has a book in his hand and a spare pith
helmet under his arm. He rushes down the stairs.

TEDDY
I found it ! I found it !

He stops suddenly in the staircase.

TEDDY
Gentlemen, be seated.
Jonathan and Einstein pretend they are standing up, but they
immediately sit back in their chairs.

Teddy comes down the last steps and goes toward the table.

TEDDY
Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography.

He puts the book on the table, in front of Einstein. It’s open on
a page with a picture.

TEDDY
Here’s the picture I was telling you about, General. Here
we are, both of us. President Roosevelt and General
Goethals at Culebra Cut. That’s me, General, and that’s
you.

Einstein looks at the picture.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
My, how I’ve changed !

TEDDY
Well, you see, that picture hasn’t been taken yet. We
haven’t even started work on Culebra Cut. We’re still
digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama
and inspect the new lock.

He gives the spare helmet to Einstein.

ABBY
No, Teddy. Not to Panama.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Oh, maybe some other time, Mister President. Panama is a
long ways off.
TEDDY
Nonsense ! It’s just down in the cellar.

Jonathan, who hadn’t seemed to be much interested by Teddy’s
conversation, suddenly looks up.

JONATHAN
The cellar ?

MARTHA
Well, we let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar.

TEDDY
General Goethals ?

Einstein slightly raises the hand holding the cigarette to his
forehead.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes, sir.

TEDDY
As President of the United States, Commander in Chief of
the Army and Navy, and the man who gave you this job, I
demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new
lock.

JONATHAN
Teddy ! I think it’s time for you to go to bed.

TEDDY
I beg your pardon. Who are you ?

JONATHAN
I’m Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed.

TEDDY
No, you’re not Wilson. But your face is familiar. Let me
see… You’re not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my
hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might
meet in the jungle.

Jonathan starts standing up with a very menacing face.

ABBY
I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and
his friend want to get back to their hotel.

Jonathan sits back in his chair.

JONATHAN
General Goethals, inspect the canal.

Einstein stands up and takes his helmet.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
All right, Mister President, we go to Panama.

TEDDY
Bully, bully ! Follow me, General.
He opens the door to the cellar, then turns toward Einstein, taps
on the helmet Einstein is carrying and then on his own helmet.

TEDDY
It’s down south, you know.

Einstein puts the helmet on his head. The helmet is too large for
him, and gets down on his eyes.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Oh !

Teddy starts going downstairs. Before following him, Einstein
turns around to the others.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Well, bon voyage !

He waves them goodbye and then follows Teddy downstairs.

Jonathan has remained seated, with both his aunts standing on the
other side of the table.

JONATHAN
Aunt Abby, I must correct your misapprehension. You talked
of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly.

ABBY
This is not your home, and I’m afraid you can’t stay here.

Jonathan stands up and looks menacingly at his aunts. While
talking, he moves closer to them. They look frightened.

JONATHAN
Doctor Einstein and I need a place to sleep. You remember
that, as a boy, I could be disagreeable. It would not be
pleasant for any of us if… but I don’t have to go into
details, do I ?

MARTHA
Perhaps we’d better let them stay here tonight.

Einstein appears at the door of the cellar.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Johnny, Johnny. Come here. Quick.

He goes back down the stairs to the cellar.

JONATHAN
Oh, I forgot to tell you, Doctor Einstein and I are turning
Grandfather’s laboratory into an operating room. We expect
to be very busy.

He goes to the cellar door.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – CELLAR – INTERIOR NIGHT

Einstein is on the staircase, halfway down to the cellar. On the
wall behind him, we see the shadow of Teddy digging.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Johnny, down here, what do you think I find ?

He takes off his helmet. Jonathan joins him on the stairs.

JONATHAN
What ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
The Panama Canal. And it just fits Mister Spenalzo. See the
hole he’s digging. Four feet wide, six feet long. He just
fits ! You’d think he knew we were bringing Mister Spenalzo
along. That’s hospitality.

Jonathan smiles and looks upstairs.

JONATHAN
Rather a good joke on my aunts. They’re living in a house
with a body buried in the cellar.
Einstein laughs.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, how do we get him in here ?

JONATHAN
Yes, we can’t just walk Mister Spenalzo in through the
door. We’ll bring the car up between the cemetery and the
house, and after they’ve gone to bed, we’ll bring Mister
Spenalzo in through the window.

He goes back up the stairs. Einstein follows him. The shadow of
Teddy keeps on digging.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Johnny…

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Jonathan comes in through the cellar door, with Einstein following
behind him. His two aunts are still standing up in the room.

JONATHAN
We’re moving the car behind the house. You’d better get to
bed.

He crosses the room with Einstein following him.

MARTHA
The car is all right where it is until morning.

JONATHAN
I don’t want to leave it in the street. That might be
against the law.

He opens the front door, and gets out, still followed by Einstein.

MARTHA
Abby ! What are we going to do ?

ABBY
Well, we’re not going to let them spend more than one night
in this house, for one thing. But what would the neighbors
think ? People coming in here with one face and going out
with another.

MARTHA
And what are we going to do about Mister Hoskins ?

ABBY
Oh ! Mister Hoskins ! It can’t be very comfortable for him
in there. And he’s been so patient, the poor dear. Well, I
think Teddy had better take Mister Hoskins downstairs right
away.

Teddy enters by the cellar door.

TEDDY
General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was
just the right size.
From the table, he picks up the book he had shown to Dr. Einstein,
and starts looking at it.

ABBY
Teddy ! Teddy, there’s been another yellow-fever victim.

TEDDY
Dear me ! This will be a shock to the General.

ABBY
No, Teddy, we must keep it a secret.

MARTHA
Yeah !

TEDDY
A state secret ?

ABBY
Yes, a state secret.

MARTHA
Promised ?

TEDDY
You have the word of the President of the United States.
Cross my heart and hope to die.

He crosses his chest and spits on the floor. Then, he takes his
aunts in his arms.

TEDDY
Now, let’s see. How are we going to keep it a secret ?

ABBY
Well, Teddy, I think you’d better get back down into the
cellar. And then, when I turn out the lights, when
everything’s dark here, you come up and take the poor man
down to the canal. Now get along, Teddy.

Teddy crosses the room to the cellar door.

ABBY
And we’ll come down later and hold services.

Teddy opens the door, and turns around.

TEDDY
Where is the poor devil ?

ABBY
(voice over)
In the window-seat.

TEDDY
It seems to be spreading. We’ve never had yellow fever
there before.

MARTHA
Abby. I’ve never even seen Mister Hoskins !

ABBY
Oh, my goodness! That’s right, you were out. Well, you just
come right along and see him now. You know, he’s really
very nice looking, considering that he’s a Methodist.

Both sisters go to the window-seat and are ready to lift the lid,
when the drapes above the seat suddenly open wide, revealing a
very menacing Jonathan. The two sisters back off, frightened.

Jonathan slowly climbs in through the window, and stands up on the
window-seat.

JONATHAN
We’re bringing the luggage through here.

He gets down from the window-seat. Then Einstein appears behind
the window, carrying a suitcase. Jonathan helps him to bring the
suitcase in the room.

ABBY
Jonathan, your room is waiting for you. You can go right
up.

Einstein, still outside the window, gives Jonathan another
suitcase.

JONATHAN
I’m afraid we don’t keep Brooklyn hours. You two run along
to bed.

ABBY
Oh, but you must be very tired. Both of you. And we don’t
go to bed this early.

JONATHAN
It’s time I came home to take care of you.
Behind Jonathan, Einstein has come into the room and is closing
the window, and then the drapes.

JONATHAN
(to Einstein)
Take the bags upstairs.

Einstein takes the two suitcases and starts moving away.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
For the instruments, I’ll come back later.

ABBY
Good night.

Einstein slightly bows to Abby.

JONATHAN
Now, we’ll all go to bed.

ABBY
I’ll wait until you’re up and then turn out the lights.

Einstein has already almost reached the balcony. Martha starts
climbing, with Jonathan behind her.

JONATHAN
Run along, Aunt Martha. Just off the laboratory, Doctor.

Everybody reaches the balcony. Einstein disappears at the end of
the balcony, and Martha enters her room. Jonathan turns around and
looks down at Abby.

JONATHAN
All right, Aunt Abby.

ABBY
I’ll be right up.

JONATHAN
Now, Aunt Abby ! Turn out the lights.

Abby goes to the switch near the front door, and switches the
lights off. The room is completely dark.

Abby climbs the stairs, reaches the balcony, and walks slowly pass
Jonathan, who is still standing at the same place. Then, she
quickly enters the room she shares with her sister, who is holding
the door open for her.

Jonathan moves along the balcony and starts climbing the stairs to
the upper floor. He stops after a few steps, and sees the door of
his aunts’ room opening slowly. Abby comes out.

JONATHAN
Aunt Abby.

Abby quickly goes back into the room and closes the door. Jonathan
resumes his climbing.
The camera moves down into total black darkness, and then into the
room, where we see some light underneath the cellar door. We hear
steps, and the door opens to reveal Teddy, still in his colonial
costume, but without the helmet. He stops a few seconds, then
starts crossing the room, only lit by light coming from underneath
the kitchen door. We hear the lid of the window-seat creaking, and
we guess Teddy has just opened it. Shuffling noises. Then we see
the shadow of Teddy carrying something apparently heavy. We hear
the cat screaming, and we guess Teddy must have stepped on its
tail. When Teddy comes into the light from the open door of the
cellar, we discover he is carrying a human body, which could only
be Mr. Hoskins’ one taken from the window-seat. Teddy turns around
and starts going backward down the steps to the cellar. He stops a
few seconds to close the door. Then we hear noises of something
falling, and we guess that Teddy must have missed a step and
fallen all the way down to the cellar.

Black screen during one second.

Einstein is going down the staircase, lit only by a match he is
holding in his hand.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
He’s all right, Johnny.

When he gets on floor level, he meets Jonathan.

JONATHAN
I’ll open the window. You go round and hand him through.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But he’s too heavy for me.

He burns his finger and blows the match. The scene becomes
completely dark. We see only shadows.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You go outside, Johnny, and push, and I’ll stay here and
pull. And then together we take him down to Panama. Huh ?

JONATHAN
All right. We must be quick. I’ll take a look around
outside the house. When I tap on the glass, you open the
window.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yeah.

Jonathan moves to the front door, opens it, stops to look around,
and then closes the door.

Einstein walks slowly in the room.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
It’s dark in here.

He bumps into something. We hear the lid of the window-seat
creaking several times.
Einstein light another match, and we discover he has fallen into
the open window-seat, where he is now lying

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Where am I ? Oh, here I am.

He slowly gets out of the seat.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Who left this open ?

Jonathan taps on the window. Einstein blows the match and opens
the window.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Johnny ?

We see only shadows in the dark, but we guess Jonathan is handing
Mr. Spenalzo’s corpse to Einstein, who will then put it in the
window-seat.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Okay, Johnny, wait a minute. Hand him over. Now I have him.
«Allez !» Up ! Now, wait a minute, Johnny. You lost a leg
somewhere. Hey, help me. He’s so heavy. Now I have him. Now
I got him.

JONATHAN
Be careful.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Oh, but his shoe came off. Help me, Johnny. He’s so heavy.
Now I’ve got him !

Knocking at the door.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Johnny, somebody’s at the door. Go open, quick.
I’ll manage Spenalzo. Go, quick !

Some more knocking. We hear the creaking of the lid of the window-
seat, and we guess Einstein is closing it.

The front door opens slowly, and Elaine enters the house.

ELAINE
Mortimer ! Aunt Abby !

We see the frightened face of Einstein.

ELAINE
(voice over)
Aunt Martha !

Jonathan enters through the front door left open by Elaine, closes
it and locks it.

ELAINE
(looking frightened)
Who is it ? Is that you, Teddy ?
JONATHAN
Who are you ?

ELAINE
I’m Elaine Harper. I live next door.

JONATHAN
What are you doing here ?

ELAINE
I came here to see my husband, Mortimer.

JONATHAN
Why did you say your name was Harper ?

ELAINE
Well, it is Harper. I mean, it’s Brewster. I’m not very
used to it. I’m a brand-new Brewster.

Einstein goes to the front door and switches the lights on.
JONATHAN
Doctor !

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
It’s all right, Johnny. It’s okay.

Einstein has his little bottle in one hand, and, with the finger
of the other hand, he tries to explain to Jonathan that the corpse
is safely in the window-seat.

Jonathan looks at Einstein, and then goes across the room to look
around. He even moves the drapes of a window to look outside.

ELAINE
(voice over)
Maybe you’d better explain what you’re doing here.

Jonathan keeps on checking around. He goes to the window above the
window-seat, and looks outside.

JONATHAN
We happen to live here.

He spots an orphan shoe on the floor and picks it up.

ELAINE
(voice over)
You don’t live here. I’ve been in this house every day, and
I’ve never seen you before. Where are Miss Martha and Miss
Abby ? What have you done to them ?

Einstein tries to explain to Jonathan, without using words, that
the shoe belongs to the corpse in the window-seat.

JONATHAN
Perhaps we’d better introduce ourselves. May I present
Doctor Einstein ?
He puts the shoe on the table, then lifts the tablecloth to look
underneath it.

ELAINE
Doctor Einstein ?

JONATHAN
A surgeon of great distinction. And something of a
magician.

ELAINE
Now I suppose you’re gonna tell me that you’re Boris…

JONATHAN
(cutting her very harshly)
I am Jonathan Brewster.

ELAINE
Oh ! You’re Jonathan.

Jonathan comes close to her and looks at her in such a strange way
that she starts walking backward.
JONATHAN
You’ve heard of me ?

ELAINE
Yes, they talk about you.

JONATHAN
What do they say about me ?

Elaine stops walking backward.

ELAINE
Oh, just that there’s another brother named Jonathan,
that’s all they say. Oh, that explains everything. Now that
I know who you are, I’ll just be running along, if you’ll
kindly unlock the door.

They move to the front door, beside which Einstein is standing,
smiling. Jonathan unlocks the door. He opens it a few inches, but
stands in the way of Elaine, ready to got out.

JONATHAN
«That explains everything.» Just what do you mean by that ?
Why do you come here at this time of night ?

ELAINE
Well, I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I suppose it
was you.

Jonathan slams the door and locks it.

JONATHAN
You thought you saw someone drive up ?

He walks menacingly toward her, and she starts walking backward
across the room.
ELAINE
Yes. Weren’t you just outside ? Isn’t that your car ?

JONATHAN
You saw someone at the car ?

ELAINE
Yes.

Einstein starts walking behind Jonathan.

JONATHAN
What else did you see ?

ELAINE
Oh, just that, that’s all !

JONATHAN
I see. Is that why you came over here ?

ELAINE
Oh no, I came to see Mortimer. But if he’s not home, I’ll
run…

She tries to run away, but Jonathan grabs her arms and holds it
very firmly.

JONATHAN
You’ve given two names.

ELAINE
You’re hurting me !

JONATHAN
I think she’s dangerous.

Teddy comes in through the cellar door. He has his helmet back on
his head and wears heavy working gloves.

TEDDY
No visitors. It’s going to be a private funeral.

He crosses the room and starts climbing the stairs. Both Jonathan
and Einstein are now holding Elaine.

ELAINE
Teddy ! Teddy, tell these men who I am !

Teddy stops a few steps from floor level.

TEDDY
Oh, that’s my daughter, Alice.

ELAINE
Oh, no, Teddy ! Teddy !

TEDDY
Now, Alice, don’t be a tomboy. Don’t play rough with the
gentlemen.
He pulls out his imaginary sword and rushes up the stairs.

TEDDY
Charge !

He rushes into his room and slams the door.

ELAINE
Teddy !

Elaine starts screaming. Jonathan holds a handkerchief over her
mouth. Einstein runs to the front door and switches the lights
off.

JONATHAN
Doctor, the cellar.

ELAINE
Let go of me ! Let go of me !

The cellar door is opened, and we see the shadows of the two men
dragging Elaine down to the cellar.
MARTHA
What’s the matter ? What’s happening down there ?

The lights are switched back on, and we see Abby and Martha on the
balcony, just coming out of their room. They are both dressed in
black funeral clothes.

ABBY
What’s the matter ? What are you doing there ?

Jonathan is coming alone out of the cellar.

JONATHAN
We caught a burglar, a sneak thief. Go back to your room.

ABBY
We’ll call the police.

She starts going down the stairs, followed by Martha.

JONATHAN
I’ll handle this. Go back to your room.

Abby stops at the top of the stairs.

JONATHAN
Do you hear me ?

Knocking on the door, followed by the doorbell. The two sisters
starts going down the stairs.

JONATHAN
Don’t answer that.

Another doorbell. The two sisters are running downstairs.

JONATHAN
Don’t answer that !

Elaine rushes through the cellar door, screaming. She runs into
Martha’s arms, followed by Einstein.

ELAINE
Let go of me !

More knocking and ringing at the door. Abby goes and opens the
door. Mortimer enters the house..

MORTIMER
Where’s Teddy ? Is he upstairs ?

Elaine rushes to Mortimer and holds him by the neck. He gets rid
of her.

MORTIMER
Never mind that now, darling, please.

He starts climbing the stairs and looks, surprised, at Martha.
MORTIMER
What are you doing with your best clothes on ?

He suddenly notices Jonathan’s presence and stops mounting the
stairs.

MORTIMER
Holy… What’s that ? What’s that thing there that looks
like a cigar-store dummy ?

ABBY
It’s your brother Jonathan, and this is Doctor Einstein.

MORTIMER
Aunt Abby, didn’t I tell you not to let anybody in the
house ? Who did you say it was ?

ABBY
It’s your brother, Jonathan !

Elaine grabs Mortimer’s coat, and starts talking to him. So do
Abby and Martha on either side of him. Since the three of them are
talking together, it is impossible to understand what they say.

JONATHAN
I’ve come back home, Mortimer.

At the voice of Jonathan, the three women stop talking

MORTIMER
What ?

JONATHAN
I’ve come back home, Mortimer.

MORTIMER
«I’ve come back home, Mortimer.» Listen, it talks !
JONATHAN
Yes, I talk. Mortimer, have you forgotten the things I used
to do to you when you were tied to the bedpost ? The
needles under your fingernails.

Elaine grabs Mortimer’s coat.

ELAINE
Mortimer, he…

MORTIMER
Wait a minute.

Mortimer walks closer to Jonathan.

MORTIMER
Holy mackerel ! It is Jonathan !

JONATHAN
I’m glad you remember, Mortimer.

MORTIMER
Yeah, I remember. How could I forget you ? Where’d you get
that face ? Hollywood ?

Jonathan is ready to fight with his brother. Einstein grabs his
arm to stop him and Abby comes between them.

ABBY
Oh, don’t you two boys start quarreling again the minute
you’ve seen each other.

MARTHA
We invited Jonathan and Doctor Einstein to stay.

MORTIMER
What ?

MARTHA
Just for tonight.

MORTIMER
Oh no, you don’t, I’m staying here tonight. In fact, I’m
staying here from now on.

Elaine taps on Mortimer’s arm.

ELAINE
Mortimer, what about me ?

MORTIMER
There’s no room for anybody else in the house.
(to Elaine)
Please, darling, just a moment.
(to Jonathan)
So take that little squirt and beat it !
(to Martha)
Now where’s Teddy ? I’ve got to see him right away. Is he
upstairs ?
He starts climbing the stairs.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Mister Brewster ! We don’t take up much room. Johnny can
sleep on the sofa, and I’ll sleep on the window-seat.

MORTIMER
Nothing to…

He stops going upstairs

MORTIMER
Window-seat ?

He comes back downstairs.

MORTIMER
Certainly not on the window-seat. I’m going to sleep on the
window-seat.

He crosses the room to sit on the window-seat.
MORTIMER
I’m going to sleep on the windows-eat from now on.

ELAINE
Mortimer !

Mortimer stands up and goes to Jonathan

MORTIMER
Now look. Now look, Jonathan. Now, be a good fellow. Here’s
ten dollars. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.

Jonathan throws Mortimer’s money on the floor. Mortimer tries to
step on it, but instead, he steps on Jonathan’s foot.

JONATHAN
Mortimer, you know what I do to people who order me around.

Einstein pulls Jonathan’s sleeve.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Johnny. Mister Spenalzo.

Mortimer bends down to look at Jonathan foot, then he touches his
legs.

JONATHAN
What ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
What’s going to happen to Mister Spenalzo ?

Mortimer takes a fork on the table and stabs Jonathan’s leg with
it.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
We can’t leave him here in the window-seat. Johnny ?
JONATHAN
Doctor, you know, Doctor, I’ve completely lost track of
Mister Spenalzo.

MORTIMER
Wait ! Who’s this Mister Spenalzo ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
A friend of ours Johnny was looking for.

MORTIMER
Don’t you bring anyone else in here. Now, come on, beat it,
both of you !

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
It’s all right, Johnny. While we are packing, I’ll tell you
about him.

Jonathan walks to the staircase, and starts going upstairs,
followed by Einstein. He stops a few steps before he reaches the
balcony.
JONATHAN
I’ll take care of you, Mortimer, in just a little while.

He resumes his walking upstairs.

MORTIMER
How do you like that ? The guy stays away for twenty years
and picks tonight of all nights to come back. Oh, Elaine,
what are you doing here ?

She falls in his arms.

ELAINE
Mortimer !

MORTIMER
What’s the matter, darling ?

ELAINE
I almost got killed.

MORTIMER
Killed ? Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha !

ABBY
Oh, no !

MARTHA
Oh, no ! It was Jonathan !

ABBY
He mistook her for a sneak thief.

MORTIMER
Oh, that.

Martha just found the shoe on the table and seems very intrigued
by it.
ELAINE
(voice over)
It was worse than that. He’s some kind of a maniac.

Abby looks at the shoe, and seems also very intrigued. Martha
whispers something to her.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
I know, darling, I know.

ELAINE
(voice over)
Oh, Mortimer, I’m afraid of him.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
Oh, darling, don’t worry about it. I’m here now. Now forget
it.

Abby whispers back to Martha, who puts the shoe back on the table.
The two sisters move away.

ELAINE
We were married today, we were going over Niagara Falls in
a barrel, your brother tries to strangle me, a taxi’s
waiting, and now you want to sleep on a window-seat !

Mortimer hardly listens to her, but catches the last word.

MORTIMER
Window seat… Witherspoon. Darling, you’d better run along
home.

ELAINE
What ?

MORTIMER
Yes, yes. Go home like a good girl. I got things to do.

He sits at the desk and starts dialing on the telephone.

ELAINE
Mortimer ? But… but…

MORTIMER
No, no, please.
(in the phone)
Hello ? Operator ? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0, please.

ELAINE
But, Mortimer, didn’t you hear what I was just saying ?

MORTIMER
Yes, 2-7-0.

ELAINE
Your own brother Jonathan, he was trying to strangle me !
MORTIMER
Please ! This is important !

ELAINE
That ?

MORTIMER
Hello ? Oh, hello, Mr. Witherspoon ? This is Mortimer
Brewster.

WITHERSPOON’S OFFICE – INTERIOR NIGHT

Witherspoon is sitting behind his desk, the telephone receiver to
his ear.

WITHERSPOON
Yes, Mr. Brewster, yes.

He puts an effervescent pill in a glass of water.

WITHERSPOON
Well, I don’t understand you.
BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Elaine is crying, standing near the desk, where Mortimer is still
on the telephone.

MORTIMER
(in the phone)
Look, look, I…

He raises his head to look at Elaine

ELAINE
He was going to kill me !

MORTIMER
(to Elaine)
Wait a minute, I can’t hear the man.
(to Witherspoon on the phone)
What ? I’ve got the papers all drawn up. I know it’s late,
but I want you to come down here and get my brother
immediately ! I’s got to be done.
(to Elaine)
Please, darling, please.

WITHERSPOON’S OFFICE – INTERIOR NIGHT

WITHERSPOON
By the way, you’ve had the papers signed by your brother
and the doctor, of course ?

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer seems surprised by the question.

MORTIMER
Oh, the doctor ? Oh, holy mackerel ! I forgot the doctor !
Mortimer takes a piece of paper from the inside pockets of his
jacket and puts it on the desk. Elaine is still whining at his
side.
ELAINE
Mortimer !

MORTIMER
(yelling to Elaine)
Please, be quiet ! Can’t you see I’ve got to get a doctor ?
(to Witherspoon on the phone)
Hello ? What kind of a doctor ? A family doctor ?

ELAINE
You can take your honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi,
your window-seat, and put them in a barrel, and push them
all over Niagara Falls !

She walks away

MORTIMER
(to the departing Elaine)
Thank you, darling. Thank you.
(to Witherspoon on the phone)
Oh, look, why don’t you come down here anyway ? While
you’re getting here, I’ll get Teddy’s and the doctor’s
signatures both.

The front door slams violently. Mortimer turns around.

MORTIMER
Yeah. Elaine ! Elaine !
(to Witherspoon)
Yeah, I’ll get both signatures. Yeah, well, come right
away.

He puts the phone down.

MORTIMER
Elaine ? What’s the matter with her ?

He stands up and runs across the room to the window-seat.

MORTIMER
Oh, dear !

He kneels on the window-seat and looks through the open window.

MORTIMER
Elaine ! Elaine !

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Large shot of Reverend Harper’s residence. Elaine enters the front
door, and slams the door behind her.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer is still looking through the open window.

MORTIMER
Elaine !

He enters back into the room, and sits on the window-seat.

MORTIMER
(whispering to himself)
Oh, let me sit down. Let me think about this thing. Doctor,
Teddy, signature…

He looks at the seat.

MORTIMER
Hoskins !

He remains seated a few seconds in deep thought, then he gives a
quick look outside the window, stands up and starts lifting the
lid. The lid creaks. Mortimer seems very surprised by what he sees
inside the seat. He opens the lid completely and let it rest on
the bottom of the window.

MORTIMER
Ye gods ! There’s another one !
He closes the lid and walks across the room toward the kitchen
door.

MORTIMER
Aunt Abby ! Aunt Martha ! Come in here !

ABBY
(voice over from the kitchen)
We’re busy.

MORTIMER
No, you come in here now !

Abby, still in funeral clothes, enters the room through the
kitchen door.

ABBY
Yes, dear, what is it ? Where’s Elaine ?

MORTIMER
Wait a minute. Didn’t you promise me not to let anyone in
the house while I was gone ?

ABBY
Jonathan just walked in.

MORTIMER
I don’t mean Jonathan !

ABBY
And Doctor…

MORTIMER
And I don’t mean Doctor Einstein ! Who is that in the
window-seat ?

ABBY
We told you. Mister Hoskins.

MORTIMER
He is not Mister Hoskins !

He opens the window-seat wide and let the lid rest on the bottom
of the window.

MORTIMER
There !

Abby walks to the window-seat and looks inside, surprised.

ABBY
Who can that be ?

MORTIMER
You’re trying to tell me you’ve never seen that man
before ?

ABBY
I certainly am. Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do ! It’s
getting so anyone thinks he can walk in this house !

MORTIMER
Now, you look here, Aunt Abby. Don’t you try to get out of
this ! That’s another one of your gentlemen, and you know
it !

ABBY
Mortimer, how can you say such a thing ? That man’s an
impostor. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar,
he’s mistaken.

MORTIMER
You admitted to me you put Mister Hoskins in the window-
seat.

ABBY
Yes, I did.

MORTIMER
Well, this man couldn’t have got the idea from Mister
Hoskins !

ABBY
Oh, no.

MORTIMER
By the way, where is Mister Hoskins ?

Mortimer starts looking around the room.

ABBY
He must have gone to Panama.

MORTIMER
What ? You buried him ?

ABBY
No, no, not yet. He’s just down there waiting for the
services, poor dear. We haven’t had a minute, what with
Jonathan in the house.

Mortimer suddenly realizes the corpse could be a «friend» of
Jonathan. He quickly closes the lid.

ABBY
Oh, dear. We’ve always wanted to hold a double funeral.
But I will not read services over a total stranger !

She walks back to the kitchen. Mortimer catches her.

MORTIMER
A total stranger. Aunt Abby, how can I believe you ? There
are twelve men down there, some you admit you poisoned
them !

ABBY
Yes, I did. But you don’t think I’d stoop to telling a
fib ! Martha !
She enters the kitchen.

ABBY
Martha ! Martha ! What do you think has happened ?

MORTIMER
«A fib !»

Mortimer starts dancing around the room. Then he hears a door
closing on the balcony, and he sits on the window-seat. We see
Jonathan on the balcony. He starts going downstairs. Mortimer goes
toward him.

MORTIMER
Jon… Oh-oh… Ah-ah…

JONATHAN
This may interest you, Mortimer. I’ve decided that we’re
staying. And I’ve also decided that you’re leaving, and I
mean now.

MORTIMER
Listen, handsome. I’m in no mood to debate the question.
Are you getting out, or am I throwing you out on your ear?

JONATHAN
I’ve led a strange life, Mortimer.

Abby comes in through the kitchen door, followed by Martha.

ABBY
Martha, you come straight along here. You just look and see
what’s in that window-seat.

Jonathan and Mortimer both rushes across the room and sit on the
window-seat

MORTIMER
No. No, no, Aunt Abby, don’t…

He stops when he realizes that Jonathan is sitting with him. He
suddenly understands the situation, and shows a broad smile to his
brother. He then stands up

MORTIMER
Jonathan, let Aunt Martha see what’s in the window-seat.

Jonathan’s face shows that he is no more so sure of himself.

MORTIMER
Aunt Abby, darling, I owe you an apology.

He kisses her on the forehead.

MORTIMER
I’ve got some very good news for you. Jonathan is leaving.
And he’s taking Doctor Einstein and that cold companion
with him.
(to Jonathan)
Listen, Jonathan. You’re my brother, you’re a Brewster. So,
I’m giving you a chance to get away and take the evidence
with you. You can’t ask for more than that. Well ?

Jonathan doesn’t move from the window-seat.

MORTIMER
All right, in that case, I’ll have to call the police.

He goes to the desk.

JONATHAN
Don’t reach for the telephone. Remember, what happened to
Mister Spenalzo can happen to you, too.

Mortimer picks up the phone.

MARTHA
Spenalzo ?

ABBY
I knew he was a foreigner.

JONATHAN
Put down that telephone, Mortimer.

Jonathan puts his hand to his pocket, to take his gun. The
doorbell rings and we see a policeman’s shadow through the frosted
glass. Jonathan stands up and Abby rushes to the door.

ABBY
Oh…

She opens the door on O’Hara. He is smiling and he’s got his stick
in his hand.

O’HARA
Hello !
ABBY
Oh, Officer O’Hara !

O’HARA
I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness in the
house…

ABBY
No…

He looks around.

O’HARA
Oh, you got company ? Oh, I’m sorry I disturbed you.

He starts to walk back out, but Mortimer stops him.

MORTIMER
No ! Come in.

ABBY
Yes, do come in.
She closes the door behind him.

MARTHA
Come right in, Officer O’Hara. This is our nephew,
Mortimer.

They shake hands, both smiling.

O’HARA
Oh, pleased to meet you.

MORTIMER
And glad to see you, fellow.

ABBY
And this is another nephew, Jonathan.

O’HARA
Pleased to make your acquaintance. Hey, your face is
familiar. Haven’t I seen a picture of you somewhere
before ?

JONATHAN
I don’t think so.

O’HARA
I’ll be running along.

MORTIMER
Oh, come on. What’s the hurry ? Why don’t you stick around
until my brother leaves.

O’HARA
I got to ring in, Mr. Brew… Say, you’re not «the»
Mortimer Brewster, the book-writer and the dramatic critic,
are you ?
MORTIMER
Yes, why ?

O’HARA
Oh, what a break for me ! I’m a playwright.

MORTIMER
No ?

O’HARA
I’m working on a play now.

MORTIMER
You are ?

O’HARA
Yeah.

MORTIMER
Well, well, well ! Maybe I can help you with it.

O’HARA
Oh, would you ? Oh, what a break ! I get wonderful ideas,
but I can’t spell them.

MORTIMER
You can’t ?… Oh, I can spell like the dickens.
Constantinople ? Come on, come on, let’s go into the
kitchen.

O’HARA
All right.

MORTIMER
You can tell me all about it.
(to Abby)
Couldn’t you whip up a sandwich for Officer O’Hara ?

MARTHA
I hope you don’t mind eating in the kitchen, Officer
O’Hara.

O’HARA
And where else would you eat ?

They all enter the kitchen, laughing, and leaving Jonathan alone
in the room. Mortimer lets them in, but comes back into the
sitting-room, closing the kitchen door behind him.

MORTIMER
(to the policeman and his aunts)
See you in a moment.

He crosses the room toward Jonathan

MORTIMER
Now, listen, Jonathan, this is your last chance. I’ll keep
O’Hara busy in the kitchen and give you a chance to get
out. All three of you : you, Doctor Einstein and Spenalzo.
JONATHAN
Mortimer…

MORTIMER
Now if you don’t leave here in five minutes, I’ll bring in
Officer O’Hara, and introduce him to Mr. Spenalzo.

He opens the lid of the window-seat. But O’Hara comes into the
room and Mortimer quickly closes the lid.

O’HARA
Mister Brewster, my play takes place in…

Mortimer moves him back to the kitchen.

MORTIMER
I’ll be right with you, O’Hara. Right with you. Right with
you. Just give me one moment.

Mortimer closes the door behind O’Hara and turns toward Jonathan.

MORTIMER
Now get going ! All three of you.

He enters the kitchen, and closes the door behind him. Einstein
arrives silently behind Jonathan and taps on this shoulder.
Jonathan turns quickly around. He then goes to the kitchen door
and comes back to Einstein.

JONATHAN
Doctor, this affair between my brother and myself has got
to be settled.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But, Johnny, we’ve got trouble enough as it is. Come, let’s
go.

JONATHAN
We’re not going. We’re going to sleep right here in this
house.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
What ? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the
window-seat ?

JONATHAN
That’s all he’s got on us. We’ll take Spenalzo and dump him
in the bay. After that, we’re coming back here. Then if he
tries to interfere…

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, no, Johnny. No, please.

JONATHAN
Doctor, we’ve got a wonderful setup here. We can make a
fortune. Two old ladies as a front. Only Mortimer stands in
our way. I never did like Mortimer.

He goes toward the kitchen door. Einstein catches up with him.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, Johnny, please, take it easy. Please !

JONATHAN
Doctor, you know when I make up my mind…

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yeah, I know, when you make up your mind, you lose your
head. Look, Johnny, Brooklyn ain’t a good setup for you.

Jonathan takes Einstein’s hand, twists it and brings Einstein down
on the floor.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Okay, Johnny. Okay !

Jonathan releases Einstein’s hand, who stands up to massage his
hand.

JONATHAN
Take the instruments and hide them in the cellar. Move
fast.
Einstein takes the suitcase and walks to the cellar. Jonathan
opens the lid of the window-seat.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – KITCHEN – INTERIOR NIGHT

In the kitchen, the Brewster sisters are moving around the room,
preparing food on the table. Both men are standing up near the
table. O’Hara, without his cap on his head, has a sandwich in his
hand.

O’HARA
Mister Brewster, you don’t know what goes on in Brooklyn.

MORTIMER
Oh, I don’t know.

O’Hara picks up a cup on the table.

O’HARA
No. My mother was an actress.

MORTIMER
Oh ? Legitimate ?

O’HARA
Of course she was. She was my mother.

MORTIMER
Oh, excuse me.

O’HARA
Peaches La Tour was her name.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

The door to the cellar is open. Einstein rushes up from the
cellar. He looks a bit frightened.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Johnny, Johnny, come quick !

Jonathan, who was looking down into the open window-seat, stands
up.

JONATHAN
What’s the matter ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You know that hole in the cellar ?

JONATHAN
Yes.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Well, we got an ace in the hole.

Jonathan closes the window-seat, and walks toward the cellar.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – KITCHEN – INTERIOR NIGHT
O’Hara is explaining something to Mortimer.

O’HARA
It’s no fly-by-night idea. I’ve been working on this thing
for twelve years.

Mortimer, who had just heard the creaking of the lid of the
window-seat, turns back toward the policeman.

MORTIMER
Well, you have ?

O’HARA
Yeah.

MORTIMER
Well, rehash it in your mind. I’ll be back in a minute.

O’HARA
Oh, swell.

MORTIMER
I like the first act.

O’HARA
But I didn’t tell you the first act, Mister Brew… I…

Before he can finish his sentence, Mortimer is already out of the
room.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer enters the empty sitting-room. He goes to the window-
seat, opens it and talks to the corpse.

MORTIMER
No, I thought I told you…
He closes the lid, kneels on the seat and looks through the open
window.

MORTIMER
Jonathan ! Jonathan ! Jonathan !

Jonathan enters from the cellar, followed by Einstein.

JONATHAN
Yes, Mortimer.

Mortimer turns around and looks, surprised, at his brother. Then
he comes into the room

MORTIMER
What are you two doing still here ? I thought I told you to
beat it.

JONATHAN
We’re not going.
MORTIMER
You’re not going ?

JONATHAN
No.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No.

MORTIMER
You stay out of this. All right, you asked for it.

He goes to the kitchen door, which he opens slightly.

MORTIMER
Officer O’Hara ?

O’HARA
(voice over from the kitchen)
Coming.

Mortimer comes back in the middle of the room.

JONATHAN
Now, if you tell O’Hara what’s in the window-seat, I’ll
tell him what’s down in the cellar.

MORTIMER
Cellar ?

JONATHAN
There’s an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be
very dead.

MORTIMER
What were you doing down the cellar ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But what is he doing in the cellar ?

JONATHAN
Now what are you going to tell O’Hara ?

O’Hara comes into the room from the kitchen.

O’HARA
Hey, your aunts heard my opening, it’s swell. They want to
hear the rest. Shall I bring them in here ?

He starts going back into the kitchen, but Mortimer stops him.

MORTIMER
No, no, no, no. You can’t do that now. You’d better ring
in.

O’HARA
Oh, the heck with ringing in ! You got me rolling now.
I want to tell you the whole plot.

MORTIMER
You know, you can’t tell me in front of those two fellas,
they wouldn’t appreciate it.

O’HARA
Huh ? Hey, lowbrows, huh ?

MORTIMER
Let’s go some place we can be alone. I’ll meet you there
later.

O’Hara puts his cap back on his head.

O’HARA
Okay. Say ! How about the back room at Kelly’s ?

MORTIMER
Kelly’s ?

O’HARA
Yeah.

MORTIMER
Oh yeah, fine place for Bohemian atmosphere. Genius at
work.

He escorts O’Hara to the front door.

MORTIMER
You ring in and I’ll meet you at Kelly’s.

O’HARA
Fine.

MORTIMER
Fine.

JONATHAN
Why don’t you both go down in the cellar ?
O’HARA
That’s all right with me.

O’Hara starts moving toward the cellar, but Mortimer stops him.

MORTIMER
No, no, no. There’s a much more literary atmosphere in
Kelly’s, I assure you.

O’HARA
Okay.

MORTIMER
We’ll meet later

O’HARA
This opening will kill you.

He opens the door and starts going out.

MORTIMER
You will.

O’HARA
I’m waiting to be born, you see, and the doctor comes in…

Mortimer, who was pushing O’Hara outside, suddenly slaps his
forehead with his hand.

MORTIMER
Oh, the doctor !

O’HARA
Yeah !

MORTIMER
Yeah. Now, Look, you ring in and I’ll see you later.

O’HARA
Okay. You won’t stand me up, will you, Mister Brewster ?

MORTIMER
No.

O’HARA
This is a great play, you’ll like it. I’ll see you down
there.

MORTIMER
Can’t wait ! Can’t wait !

Mortimer closes the door.

MORTIMER
Doctor, doctor. Where are those papers ? Oh, there they
are.

He goes to the desk and picks up his papers. He then turns to
Jonathan and Einstein, still standing by the cellar door.
MORTIMER
Oh, oh-oh ! You’re smug, aren’t you? You think you’ve got
it over me. But you haven’t. You think I’m afraid to go to
the police about Spenalzo because you’ve got hold of
Hoskins. Well, I’m not !

He taps on his papers.

MORTIMER
The moment I get Spenalzo… I mean, the moment the doctor
signs this, I don’t care who knows about him, Hoskins, I
mean. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Yes,
Spenalzo !

He starts running upstairs.

JONATHAN
Where are you going ?

MORTIMER
To the Doctor. Where do you… Oh !
Mortimer stops and starts running downstairs, and then to the
front door.

MORTIMER
When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me !

He goes out and closes the door. Einstein takes a sip at his
bottle.

JONATHAN
We’ll wait for him.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Did he look guilty !

The two sisters come out of the kitchen.

ABBY
Well, Martha, I think we can start the services now.

They stop when they see Jonathan and Einstein.

ABBY
Oh ! We thought we heard you leave.

JONATHAN
Perish the thought, dear aunties. That was just Mortimer.
And speaking of services, Aunt Martha, will you make us
some coffee while we take Mister Spenalzo down to the
cellar ?

MARTHA
Oh, no. No, Jonathan. You’ve got to take him with you !

Jonathan opens the lid of the window-seat.

JONATHAN
There’s a friend of Mortimer’s downstairs waiting for him.

ABBY
A friend of Mortimer’s ?

JONATHAN
Take his feet, Doctor. Mister Spenalzo and he will get
along fine together. They’re both dead.

The two men bend down to take the corpse out of the window-seat.

MARTHA
Oh ! He must mean Mister Hoskins.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Mister Hoskins ?

The two men stand up and look at the sisters. Jonathan comes
closer to them.

JONATHAN
You know about what’s down there ?
ABBY
Of course we do. And he’s no friend of Mortimer’s. He’s one
of our gentlemen.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Your gentlemen ?

MARTHA
Yes. And we won’t have any strangers buried in our cellar.

JONATHAN
But Mister Hoskins ?

MARTHA
Mister Hoskins is no stranger.

ABBY
Besides, there’s no room for Mister Spenalzo. The cellar’s
crowded already.

JONATHAN
Crowded ? With what ?

ABBY
There are twelve graves down there now.

The two men look at each other. Jonathan seems the most surprised.

JONATHAN
Twelve graves.

ABBY
That leaves very little room and we’re going to need it.

JONATHAN
You mean that you and Aunt Martha have murdered twelve…
ABBY
Murdered ? Certainly not. It’s one of our charities.

MARTHA
Why, what we’ve been doing is a mercy.

ABBY
So you just take your Mister Spenalzo out of here.

They turn to Einstein, who has seated himself and is laughing his
head off.

JONATHAN
You’ve done all that right here in this house and buried
them in the cellar ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
That’s wonderful, Johnny !

He stands up.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
We’ve been chased all over the world, and they stay right
here in Brooklyn, and they do just as good as you do.

JONATHAN
What ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yeah. You got twelve, they got twelve.

Jonathan grabs Einstein by his shirt.

JONATHAN
I’ve got thirteen.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, Johnny, twelve. Don’t brag.

JONATHAN
Thirteen.

They both starts counting on their fingers.

JONATHAN
There’s Mister Spenalzo. Then the first one in London.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yeah.

JONATHAN
Two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two
in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Phoenix ?

JONATHAN
The filling station.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Filling st… Oh, yes.

He mimes the gesture of one having his throat cut.

JONATHAN
Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes
thirteen.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of
pneumonia.

JONATHAN
He wouldn’t have died of pneumonia if I hadn’t shot him.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, no, Johnny, you cannot count him. You got twelve, they
got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are.

Both sisters seem very happy by Einstein’s statement. They smile.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
They are, are they ? That’s easily taken care of. All I
need is one more. That’s all. Just one more. And I’ve a
pretty good idea who it is.

He looks menacingly at his two aunts, who do not smile anymore.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer is walking along the gate of the churchyard, dragging Dr.
Gilchrist with him. Gilchrist is trying to tie his necktie while
walking. Apparently, Mortimer didn’t let him dress completely when
he took him out of his home.

MORTIMER
I’m a very lucky man to have caught you at home, Doctor
Gilchrist.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
This is most irregular, most irregular.

MORTIMER
I’m sorry to have dragged you out of bed, but, you see,
you’re the only one who can help me.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
I know Teddy blows bugles, but I can’t commit a man to an
institution just on that.

MORTIMER
Oh, well, if only you had a little talk with him, I assure
you you’d be convinced by him. Here’s the house I…

They stop walking when they hear hymns sung by the Brewster
sisters.

MORTIMER
There goes Hoskins.
DOCTOR GILCHRIST
Who ?

Mortimer looks embarrassed : he doesn’t want to explain to the
doctor who Hoskins is.

MORTIMER
What ? What ? Did I say… Oh, I…

He moves the doctor to the entrance of the churchyard.

MORTIMER
Now, you better wait.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
Here ?

MORTIMER
Yes, I’ll bring Teddy out. Well, you see, I wouldn’t want
to alarm the old ladies, you know, seeing a doctor and
everything. You wait here, huh ?
He helps him finish tying his necktie.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
In the cemetery ?

MORTIMER
Yeah, that’ll be good.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
It’s Halloween.

MORTIMER
Oh, don’t worry about that. At Halloween, the pixies won’t
be out till after midnight. Now look, you wait here. Make
yourself comfortable. Pull up a tombstone. I’ll be right
back.

He moves away to the house, and passes near the taxi, still
waiting.

CAB DRIVER
Hey, 22.50 !

MORTIMER
What ?

CAB DRIVER
22.50 !

MORTIMER
Oh, yes, looks good on you !

He hasn’t stop walking, and goes into the house. The driver, who
had been following him, stops near the entrance of the house.

CAB DRIVER
Yeah ! Not the suit, the meter ! «Looks good on me.»
22.50 !

A quick shot of Dr. Gilchrist waiting, frozen and slightly
frightened.

Then back on the entrance of the house, near which the driver is
still standing. Teddy and Mortimer come out of the house. Teddy is
back in his President Roosevelt costume.

TEDDY
Did you give him a twenty-one-gun salute ?

MORTIMER
Yes, with a Maxim silencer.

The driver catches up with them.

CAB DRIVER
Hey, you. Five more bucks and you’ll own it.

Mortimer and Teddy don’t stop walking. The driver follows them.
MORTIMER
Oh no, thanks. It wouldn’t fit me.

The two men reach the place where Dr. Gilchrist is waiting.

MORTIMER
Oh, Mister President, may I have the pleasure…

Teddy seems very happy to meet Dr. Gilchrist, and shakes his hands
vigorously.

TEDDY
Doctor Livingstone !

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
Livingstone ?

MORTIMER
(to the doctor)
Well, that’s what he presumes.
(to Teddy)
Mister President, the doctor would like to have a few words
with you in private.

He bows slightly.

TEDDY
Certainly. Welcome to Washington, doctor.

He shakes his hand again, then puts his arm around the doctor’s
shoulders and moves away with him into the churchyard.

TEDDY
Arlington is beautiful at this time of year, is it not,
doctor ?

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
Yes, indeed.
The doctor looks back at Mortimer, seeming a little frightened.
Mortimer remains alone, with the papers in his hand. We still hear
the hymns sung by the Brewster sisters in the background.

MORTIMER
Well now, that’s that. It gives me a chance to rest.

He sits down on a tombstone.

Reverse shot on Reverend Harper’s house. Elaine opens the window
of her room.

Back to Mortimer seated on his tombstone. A little further behind
him, we see Teddy and the doctor talking.

MORTIMER
Well, so far, so good.

He stands up.

MORTIMER
Not so good.

He runs to Elaine’s window.

The cab driver looks at the scene with intrigued eyes.

Mortimer is now outside Elaine’s window.

ELAINE
Do you or do you not love me ?

MORTIMER
Oh, Elaine. Elaine, how can you say such a thing ? Darling,
of course I love you.

ELAINE
Do you ?

Mortimer takes her in his arms.

MORTIMER
Yes, darling.

ELAINE
Hey, then why have you been treating me the way you have ?

MORTIMER
Oh, Elaine.

He moves slightly away from her.

MORTIMER
Elaine, Elaine, darling, I love you so much, I can’t go
through with our marriage.

She goes slightly back into her room.

ELAINE
Have you suddenly gone crazy ?

MORTIMER
No, no, I don’t think so, but it’s only a matter of time.
Now, look, darling, you wouldn’t want to have children
with three heads, would you ? I mean, you wouldn’t want to
set up housekeeping in a padded cell.

ELAINE
What are you talking about ?

MORTIMER
Well, I don’t quite know really. Look, I probably should
have told you this before, but you see… well, insanity
runs in my family.

We hear very clearly the Brewster sisters singing their hymns.

MORTIMER
It practically gallops.

ELAINE
Oh, darling, just because Teddy’s a little strange, that
doesn’t mean…

MORTIMER
Oh no, darling, no, no. It’s way back before Teddy. No,
this goes back to the first Brewster, the one who came over
on the Mayflower. Yeah. You know, you know how in those
days the Indians used to scalp the settlers ? Well, he used
to scalp the Indians.

Elaine bends out of her window to hug Mortimer.

ELAINE
Darling, that’s ancient history.

Medium shot on the doctor and Teddy walking arm in arm among the
tombstones.

TEDDY
Yes, Doctor, I’ll run for a third term, but I won’t be
elected. And that’ll mean the last of the Roosevelts
in the White House.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
That’s what you think.

TEDDY
Of course, if the country insists…

Back to Elaine’s room window. The young couple is still talking on
either side of the window.

ELAINE
Oh, darling, all this doesn’t prove a thing. Look at your
aunts. They’re Brewsters, aren’t they ? They’re the
sweetest, sanest people I’ve ever known.

MORTIMER
Yeah.

He turns around to listen to his aunts singing their hymns.

MORTIMER
Well, even they have their peculiarities.

ELAINE
What of it ? So your family’s crazy. So you’re crazy.
That’s the way I want you, the way I love you. I’m crazy
too, but kiss me.

MORTIMER
No, no. I… Ohhh !

Mortimer hesitates a little and then gives a passionate kiss to
Elaine.

Back to Teddy and the doctor. Teddy is vigorously shaking the
doctor’s hand.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
Goodbye, Ambassador. I’ve enjoyed this little talk very
much. Anytime you’re in Washington, drop in to see me at
the White House.

He walks away, leaving the doctor very shaken by the experience.
The doctor runs to Mortimer, still outside Elaine’s window and
kissing her passionately. The doctor clears loudly his throat to
attract Mortimer’s attention.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
Those papers. Those papers.

MORTIMER
Go away.

Mortimer suddenly realizes what the doctor is talking about.

MORTIMER
Oh, papers ! Papers ! Yes.

He pulls the papers from his jacket pocket, and gives them to the
doctor.

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
I’ll enjoy committing him to any place.

MORTIMER
You will ?

DOCTOR GILCHRIST
I’ve just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia !

MORTIMER
Ah, you see ? Didn’t I tell you ?

Elaine suddenly slams her window down… on Mortimer’s fingers !
Mortimer yells because of the pain. The doctor looks up from the
papers. Elaine also shut the inside shade down, shutting the room
completely from the outside world.

MORTIMER
No. Don’t worry about that. Just go on signing the papers.
Oh dear. Thank you.

Mortimer blows on his hurt fingers, then grabs the papers from the
doctor and runs away.

MORTIMER
Okay, thank you.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Close-up on the empty window-seat, where just remains Mr.
Spenalzo’s hat.

From the open cellar door, Martha is coming out, followed by Abby.
They are still dressed in their funeral clothes.

ABBY
All right ! All right ! We’ll find out whose house this
is ! I’m warning you, you better stop it. There’s no use
doing what you’re doing, because it’ll just have to be
undone.

JONATHAN
(voice over from the cellar)
Aunt Abby, go to bed !

ABBY
It’s a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a
foreigner.

Mortimer comes rushing into the room with the papers in his hand.

MORTIMER
Hello.

He blows on the papers to dry the ink of the signature.

ABBY
Mortimer, where have you been ?

Mortimer starts running upstairs.

MORTIMER
Uh-uh ? Oh, I was getting some papers signed. Is Teddy in
his room ?

MARTHA
Oh, Mortimer, what is the matter with you ? Running around
getting papers signed at a time like this.

ABBY
Martha and I are going for the police.

MORTIMER
Police !
He quickly get back downstairs

MORTIMER
Oh-oh-oh ! Wait-wait-wait ! You can’t go for the police.

MARTHA
Oh, no ? You know what Jonathan’s doing ?

ABBY
He’s putting Mister Hoskins and Mister Spenalzo in
together.

MORTIMER
Oh, darling, let him.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – CELLAR – INTERIOR NIGHT

Einstein just finished working, and he is cleaning the bottom of
his pants. We notice he is wearing Mr. Spenalzo’s shoes. A shovel
is resting on the wall near him.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
This is all fixed up nice now. Nice and smooth like a lake.
The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal.

He stretches himself

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Oh, Johnny, bed feels good already. You know, we didn’t get
any sleep for forty-eight hours.

Jonathan walks behind him, carrying a shovel. He puts the shovel
down against the wall and start mounting the stairs

JONATHAN
You’re forgetting, Doctor.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
What ?

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer is trying to calm his aunts down

ABBY
Now, look. If Jonathan and Mister Spenalzo aren’t out this
house before morning, we’re going for the police.

MORTIMER
Yeah, but I’ll get them out, I promise you that !

ABBY
Then you get the wedding silver.

MORTIMER
Yes, but remember, no police ! No police ! All right.

He starts mounting the stairs.

MORTIMER
There’s a thing. Look, go to bed, will you ? Fine. Get out
of those clothes ! You two look like a double blackout.

He reaches the balcony.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – CELLAR – INTERIOR NIGHT

Jonathan is standing on the bottom of the cellar staircase.

JONATHAN
My brother, Mortimer.

He goes back down in the cellar toward Einstein, who has his
bottle in his hand.

JONATHAN
I just heard him upstairs.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, no, no ! I am tired. You forget, I got to operate on
your face tomorrow.
He sits down on the bottom steps of the stairs.

JONATHAN
(voice over. We just see his shadow on the wall behind
Einstein)
You are going to operate tomorrow, Doctor. But tonight we
are taking care of Mortimer.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, but Johnny, not tonight ! I’m sleepy. We’ll do it
tomorrow. Or the next day.

JONATHAN
(voice over from the shadow on the wall)
Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it’s got to be done,
can’t you?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yeah, I know that look.

JONATHAN
(voice over from the shadow on the wall)
It’s a little late to dissolve our partnership.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Okay, okay, Johnny, okay. We’ll do it. But the quick way,
huh ? The quick twist like in London.

He mimes the breaking of a neck with his fingers, and then takes a
sip from his bottle

JONATHAN
(voice over from the shadow on the wall)
No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I
think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Not the Melbourne method, please ! Two hours ! And then
when it was all over, what ? The fellow in London was just
as dead as the fellow in Melbourne.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Teddy comes out of his room on the balcony, in his President
Roosevelt costume. He takes his bugle to his mouth, ready to play
it. Mortimer comes out of the room and lowers the bugle.

MORTIMER
No, no, no. Don’t do that, Mister President.

TEDDY
But I cannot sign any proclamation without consulting my
Cabinet.

Mortimer puts the papers in front of his eyes.

MORTIMER
This must be secret.

Teddy takes the papers and looks at them.
TEDDY
A secret proclamation ? How unusual.

MORTIMER
Yes, it’s the only way we can outsmart the other fellow.

TEDDY
Who’s the other fellow ?

MORTIMER
That’s the secret.

TEDDY
Oh, I see ! Very clever. Well, if it’s a a secret
proclamation, it has to be signed in secret.

He folds the papers.

MORTIMER
Of course, Mister President.

TEDDY
I’ll have to put on my signing clothes.

He starts to move back to his room. Mortimer stops him.

MORTIMER
Oh, you already have them on, Mister President.

Teddy looks at his costume.

TEDDY
So I have. Wait here.

He goes back into his room and closes the door. Einstein appears
at the bottom of the stairs.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Mister Brewster.

MORTIMER
Yes, what is it ? Mice ?

Einstein climbs the stairs very rapidly. He takes Mortimer by the
sleeve and whispers to him.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Mister Brewster, you get out of this house.

MORTIMER
Can’t you see I’m busy ?

He tries to get rid of Einstein’s hand on his sleeve.

We hear the bugle playing the first notes of Beethoven’s fifth
symphony.

MORTIMER
(singing the same tune)
Ta-ta-ta taaa !

He knocks on Teddy’s door. The papers are slid under the door.
Mortimer bends down to pick them up.

MORTIMER
Thank you, Mister President. Oh, what a load off my mind.
Boy, could I use a drink ! Thank God for that.

He starts going downstairs. Einstein follows him and takes his
sleeve again.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
(whispering)
Get out of here, will you, please ?

MORTIMER
Huh ? What did you say ? Speak up, sonny. I can’t hear you.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
(still whispering)
Johnny’s in a bad mood. You get out of here !

MORTIMER
Stop underplaying. I can’t hear you.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Please listen to me. Get out.

Mortimer gets rid of Einstein’s hands on his sleeves.

MORTIMER
Stop all this ! What are you doing ? Look, Doc. Are you
really a doctor ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes, Heidelberg, 1919. You go…
He takes his sleeve again and tries to move him to the front door.

MORTIMER
Heidelberg ? How’d you… How’d you come to hook up with
Jonathan ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
I tell you later about that, but you go now. Please listen
to me.

They’ve reached the front door. Mortimer takes Einstein’s hand out
of his sleeve.

MORTIMER
Tch-tch-tch ! Stop it, Doctor, now stop it !

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You get out of here ! Look, look, when Johnny’s in that
mood, he’s a madman. He’s a maniac ! And then things
happen. Horrible things.

He mimes the cutting of his own throat, and takes Mortimer’s hand
to throw him out.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You get out of here !

MORTIMER
Will you stop it ? Now look, stop telling me about
Jonathan, I’ll take care of Jonathan, and you take care of
yourself. Now, get going, little fellow.

He opens the door to throw him out. He pats him on the behind to
move him, and discover the shape of the bottle under his hand.

MORTIMER
What’s that ? What’s that ? Wait a minute.

He takes the bottle out of Einstein’s pocket

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Oh no ! My schnapps !

MORTIMER
I could use that. I could use that.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
That’s mine.

He tries to get his bottle back, but Mortimer holds on it.

MORTIMER
Please. Only for dramatic critics. Now look, you beat it
before things start popping around here.

He moves away to the table, with the bottle in his hand. Einstein
joins his hand in a praying gesture.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But, look, Mr. Brewster, please. You’ve just been married.
You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Please go now.
Please.

Mortimer pours some of the schnapps in a glass.

Einstein slams the front door with a very nervous punch, and walks
toward Mortimer. He mumbles incomprehensible words, probably in
German.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Tell me, don’t those plays you see all the time teach you
anything ?

Mortimer is drinking. He lowers his glass.

MORTIMER
Oh, stop it, don’t get me on the subject of plays ! I’ve
got a lot on my mind now. I’ve got to wait here for Mister
Witherspoon.

He looks at his watch.
DOCTOR EINSTEIN
At least people in plays act like they got sense.

MORTIMER
Oh, you think so ? Did you ever see anybody in a play ever
act like they got intelligence ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
How can somebody be so stupid ?

MORTIMER
You ought to have my job a few nights. Listen to me,
brother. When you get out of prison, you have yourself
wheeled over to the Garrick Theater. Oh ! Oh ! There’s a
play there that’s been running so bad that it’ll still be
running when you get out. Now, in this, there’s a man…
Now listen to this…

Behind Mortimer, the cellar door opens silently and Jonathan
enters slowly into the room, without Mortimer noticing him.

MORTIMER
Now, he knows he’s in the house with murderers. So he ought
to know he’s in danger. He’s even been warned to get out of
the house. And does he go ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes.

MORTIMER
No, he doesn’t. He stays ! This fellow doesn’t even have
sense to be scared or to be on his guard. No, no. The
murderer even invites him to sit down. What do you think he
does ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Well, I don’t know.
MORTIMER
He sits down ! I remember what he did. He deliberately
pulls up a chair like that and he sits down in it.

Mortimer goes to a wooden armchair and sits down in it. He puts
his glass on the table.

MORTIMER
Isn’t that great ? So there he is, all waiting to be
trussed up and gagged. What do you think they used to truss
him up with ?

He keeps on laughing while talking.

Close-up of Jonathan’s face, smiling.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
(voice over)
Oh, what ?

MORTIMER
(voice over)
The curtain cord.

Jonathan looks in the direction of the window… and the curtain
cord.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Curtain cord ? But didn’t he see him get it ?

Behind the seated Mortimer, Jonathan is silently walking to the
window.

MORTIMER
Seen him get it. No. The silly chump sits down with his
back toward the murderer.

Mortimer turns slightly on his chair, but without taking his eyes
off Einstein, and, of course, without looking at his brother
behind him, quietly cutting the curtain cords with a jack-knife.

MORTIMER
All he has to do is look around, but does he ? No !

Medium shot on Jonathan cutting the curtain cords.

MORTIMER
(voice over)
No… Look, you see, brother Heidelberg, in a play or even
in a movie, for that matter, …a fellow never sees or
hears anything. No. That’s right.

Jonathan folds the jack-knife and puts it in his pocket. He
prepares the cords he has just cut. Einstein takes a napkin on the
table.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But what does he do ?

MORTIMER
Oh, what does he do ? Well, the big chump sits there. This
fellow’s supposed to be bright. He sits there.

Jonathan is now just behind Mortimer’s chair, with the cord ready
in his hands.

MORTIMER
Now get a load of this. Look, look at the attitude. Large
as life ! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged.
The big dope !

He bursts out laughing… But only for two seconds, because
Jonathan ties up his arm to the armchair from behind, and Einstein
shoves the napkin in his open mouth. Einstein then helps Jonathan
to tie Mortimer’s legs to the legs of the armchair. Then, with the
help of a knife, he puts all the napkin in Mortimer’s mouth.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
You were right about that fellow. He wasn’t very bright.

Fade out, and then fade in on the same scene a few moments later.
The lights have been dimmed. Mortimer is completely tied on the
chair, and the gag is tied around his head.

JONATHAN
Yes, Mortimer. I’ve been away for twenty years. But never,
my dear brother, were you out of my mind.

Jonathan is lighting candles on the table.

JONATHAN
In Melbourne one night, I dreamt of you.

He opens his instruments case. We see the surgery instruments
shining in the candles light.

Close-up on Mortimer’s very frightened face.

Einstein sits down near the table. He seems depressed at the sight
of his surgery instruments.

Jonathan takes a small phial from the inside pocket of his jacket,
opens it, smells it and closes it, and puts it back in his pocket.

JONATHAN
The more you struggle, Mortimer, the more you strangle
yourself. Later on, you may consider that a blessing.

He takes a curved forceps from the case and plays with it.

Close-up on Mortimer’s frightened face.

Einstein wipes his face with a napkin.

Jonathan takes a scalpel from the case and feels the sharpness of
the blade.

Einstein takes a bottle on the table and brings it to his mouth.
Unfortunately, the bottle is empty.
Jonathan takes a pair of surgery gloves from the box and puts them
on.

JONATHAN
Now, Doctor, we go to work.

Einstein stands up.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Johnny, for me, please, the quick way. Please.

JONATHAN
Doctor, this must be an artistic achievement.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Please.

JONATHAN
After all, we’re performing before a very distinguished
critic.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Johnny, please !

JONATHAN
Doctor !

Einstein takes his jacket off. He is almost crying.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
All right. Let’s get it over with. No, but, Johnny, I
cannot see this without a drink.

JONATHAN
Pull yourself together, Doctor.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
But I can’t pull myself together without a drink. Johnny,
you remember when we came in here, there was some wine. And
then they took it. Where did they put it ?

A glint of hope appears in Mortimer’s eyes at the mention of his
aunts’ wine.

Einstein runs across the room to the shelves where the carafe of
poisoned wine has been put away.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Johnny, I found some wine. I found some wine.

He comes back to the table with the carafe and glasses.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Here, I’ll split it with you. We both have a drink before
we operate. Oh, I am so happy that we don’t have to operate
without a drink.

Einstein gives a glass to Jonathan. Mortimer, who recognized the
carafe, is smiling behind his gag. Jonathan smells the glass.
Einstein has his glass almost to his lips, when Jonathan stops
him.

JONATHAN
Doctor. One moment, please. Where are your manners ?
(to Mortimer)
Yes, Mortimer. I realize now that it was you who brought me
back to Brooklyn. We drink to you. Doctor ! To my dear,
dead brother.

They clink their glass in front of Mortimer’s face. Einstein
raises his glass before drinking.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Prosit !

Teddy suddenly comes out of his room and plays his bugle very
loudly.

Both Jonathan and Einstein drop their glass on the floor.

Teddy then goes back into his room and slams the door. The grand-
father clock chimes once.
Mortimer seems very disappointed. He moves back and forth in his
chair, moaning.

JONATHAN
That idiot ! He goes next. That’s all. He goes next !

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Not Teddy ! Not Teddy ! Please !

JONATHAN
We’ll get to him later.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Not Teddy, we won’t get to him at all !

JONATHAN
Now, we have to work fast. The quick way.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Oh, the quick way, oh yes ! If it has to be, then the quick
way. Yes, I’ll help you with it.

They starts getting the instruments out of the case.

At the front door, we see the shadow of a policeman behind the
frosted glass. He rings the doorbell.

Jonathan and Einstein stop what they were doing. Einstein closes
the case and puts it under the table. He also puts all the
instruments lying on the table on the floor, behind the case.

Knocking on the door. The door being open, O’Hara enters the room.
He spots Jonathan and Einstein.

O’HARA
Hey, the colonel has to quit blowing that horn.
JONATHAN
It’s all right, Officer. We’re taking the bugle away from
him.

O’HARA
I’d better talk to him myself. Where’s the lights ?

He finds the switch by the door, and switches the lights on. He
goes to the stairs and starts mounting them, when he hears
Mortimer moaning. He goes down and walks toward Mortimer.

O’HARA
Hey ! You stood me up ! I’ve been waiting for you for over
an hour at Kelly’s. What happened to him ?

O’Hara is surprised to find Mortimer tied up on his chair. He
points his stick to Jonathan.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Nothing. He was explaining a play he saw the other night
and that’s what happened to a poor man in the play.
He walks away with his jacket in his hands.

O’HARA
Oh, I see. Did that really happen in a play you saw ? How
do you like that ? You can’t trust nobody no more. They
practically stole that from the second act of my play. You
know, in the second act, just… Well, maybe I’d better
start at the beginning.

Mortimer is moving and moaning on his chair. He tries to explain
by movements of his face that he would like to have his gag taken
off.

Behind O’Hara, Einstein starts mounting the stairs, and Jonathan
stands up at the bottom of them.

O’HARA
Huh ? Oh, yes, sure.

He puts his hands to Mortimer’s face to take off his gag.

Einstein runs upstairs, followed by Jonathan.

Suddenly, O’Hara removes his hands and smiles broadly.

O’HARA
Nooo ! You’ve got to hear the plot !

He takes his jacket off.

O’HARA
My mother’s sitting there, making up, see. And, like a
flash, suddenly, out of a clear sky, the door comes open
and a man with a black mustache comes in.

On the stairs behind O’Hara, Jonathan takes his jack-knife out of
his pocket and opens it.
O’HARA
He turns to my mother and he says, «Miss Peaches La Tour,
will you marry me ?» That’s the first scene. My mother
doesn’t tell him they’re married. That’s the surprise !

Einstein, who has seen the knife, tries to stop Jonathan. But
Jonathan keeps on walking slowly downstairs.

O’HARA
Oh, What a kick ! All right. Twenty-five years pass. Well,
in the meantime, there’s me. Growing into a magnificent
specimen. So what do I do ? I join the police force and
become one of New York’s finest. Well, I’m cleaning out a
crooked laundry, see ?

Close-up on Jonathan’s hand holding the knife, the blade of which
is shining in the light.

Mortimer stares at the knife

O’HARA
Little do I know it, but there is a dope fiend with a long
knife crawling after me. I’m in great danger. It’s getting
you, ain’t it ? I can see it in your eyes.

Actually, Mortimer’s eyes are trying to attract O’Hara’s attention
to Jonathan, just behind him now.

O’HARA
Well, you ain’t heard nothing yet.

Einstein tries to stop Jonathan, but Jonathan pushes him away.
Einstein takes off one of his shoes, and hits Jonathan very hard
on the head with it. Jonathan falls on the floor.

O’HARA
All of a sudden, a fire breaks out. What an effect ! The
firemen rush in and who do you think is leading them ?
Mayor Fiorello La Guardia !

O’Hara turns around and sees Jonathan lying on the last steps of
the stairs.

O’HARA
What’s the matter with him ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yeah, probably your play put him to sleep.

O’HARA
What ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
I personally, I like it very much.

O’HARA
It’s probably over his head, huh ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yeah.
O’Hara looks at Jonathan’s face.

O’HARA
Where have I seen that face before ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
No, please.

He kneels beside Jonathan’s body, and O’Hara returns to Mortimer.

O’HARA
Well, the scene changes. It’s an evolving stage. I’m
walking along my beat, well, like that, casual-like, when a
guy that I’m following, it turns out he’s really following
me !

Knocks at the door. O’Hara turns to Einstein.

O’HARA
(to Einstein)
Don’t let nobody in.
(to Mortimer)
I figure I’ll outsmart him. There’s a vacant house on the
corner.

Einstein peeks through the drapes to have a look at the outside of
the front door. He rushes to Jonathan.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Hey, Johnny, the cops !

Einstein tries to wake up Jonathan, but doesn’t succeed. He picks
up his shoe and rushes upstairs.

O’HARA
So, I ducks in there. I sees the door handle turn, so I
pulls out my gun, braces myself against the wall and I
says : «Come in !»

He takes out his gun and points it at the door. Brophy and another
cop, officer Saunders, come in. When they see O’Hara’s gun
pointing at them, they raise their arms. O’Hara puts his gun back
in his holster and welcomes his colleagues.

O’HARA
Oh, hello, boys.

BROPHY
What the Sam Hill’s going on here ?

O’HARA
Hello Sarge, what do you think, this is Mortimer Brewster.
He’s going to help me write my play.

SAUNDERS
Do you have to tie him up to make him listen ?

He starts to untie Mortimer.
BROPHY
O’Hara, you better report in the station. Why didn’t you
ring in ? You got the whole force out looking for you.

O’HARA
Right in the middle of the second act. Did they send you
guys here looking for me ?

Brophy goes to the telephone and starts dialing.

BROPHY
No, we came to warn the old ladies. There is a difficulty.
The colonel blew that bugle again.

O’HARA
Yeah, I heard him.

BROPHY
The neighbors are all phoning in. The Lieutenant’s on the
warpath. He says we’ve got to put him away someplace.

He sees Jonathan lying on the steps.
BROPHY
Now, who the heck is this ?

O’HARA
Oh, that’s Mister Brewster’s brother. My play put him to
sleep.

BROPHY
Oh ! That’s the one that ran away. So he came back.
(in the phone)
Brophy. Get me Mac.
(to O’Hara)
Haven’t you got yourself in a mess ! You’re two hours
overdue at the station. I better let them know that I found
you.

O’Hara bends on Jonathan and shakes him

O’HARA
Hey ! It wasn’t that bad, was it ?

BROPHY
(in the phone)
Mac ? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt.
We found him… At the Brewster house… Shall we bring him
in ?… All right, we’ll hold him right here.

He puts the phone down and turns to O’Hara, who has succeeded in
waking up Jonathan and getting him on his feet. Jonathan stares at
Brophy. He thinks Brophy is talking about him.

Mortimer looks at his left hand, which has just been freed by
Saunders.

BROPHY
The Lieutenant is on his way over.
JONATHAN
So I’ve been turned in, hey ? All right, you’ve got me. I
suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the
reward.

Brophy and O’Hara each take one arm of Jonathan.

BROPHY & O’HARA
Reward ?

JONATHAN
Yes, reward ! Now I’ll do some turning in !

Mortimer, who had his hand and legs untied by Saunders but is
still gagged and has his chest still tied on the armchair, moans
and moves excitedly on his seat.

O’HARA
(to Jonathan)
Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Brewster.

JONATHAN
You think my aunts are sweet, charming old ladies, don’t
you ? Well, there’s thirteen bodies buried in the cellar !
Yes, thirteen.

Mortimer jumps on his chair and try to scream through his gag.
Since he cannot succeed to get off the chair, he stands up, still
gagged and tied to the back of the chair and rushes to Brophy,
carrying the armchair with him.

BROPHY
Be careful what you say about your aunts, they happen to be
friends of ours.

JONATHAN
I’ll show them to you.

BROPHY
Don’t you make any trouble for them, do you hear me !

Mortimer walks between Brophy and Jonathan, and tries to say
something to Brophy through his gag. Saunders, behind Mortimer,
keeps on untying him.

BROPHY
(to Mortimer)
Never mind, Mr. Brewster. Leave him to me, I’ll take care
of him.

JONATHAN
(to O’Hara)
You come down to the cellar.

O’HARA
(to Jonathan)
Now, wait a minute.

Mortimer is still trying to talk through his gag to O’Hara and
Brophy, and moves excitedly around the two cops. He moves so much
that Saunders has stopped trying to untie him.

JONATHAN
Thirteen bodies. I’ll show you where they’re buried.

O’HARA
Oh, yeah !

BROPHY
Go down to the cellar with him, O’Hara.

JONATHAN
Yes, come to the cellar.

He grabs O’Hara’s hand and drags him to the cellar door.

O’HARA
Well, look, do I have to ?

Mortimer, still gagged, and still carrying his armchair like a
backpack, tries to follow them, but Saunders moves him away.
Mortimer runs round the table to try again to join the party going
down to the cellar, with Saunders running behind him.

O’HARA
Sorry, maybe I don’t want to go down to the cellar with
him.

Mortimer bumps violently into Brophy, who tries to push him away.

BROPHY
O’Hara, go on down the cellar with him !

Mortimer then goes to O’Hara, but O’Hara doesn’t realize Mortimer
is coming to him to prevent him going down to the cellar.

O’HARA
Now, please, Mister Brewster. I’ll tell you the rest of my
play later.

He pushes Mortimer away from him.

BROPHY
Go on down to the cellar with him.

O’HARA
Gee, do I have to, Sarge ? Look at that puss. He looks like
Boris Karloff.

Hearing that, Jonathan screams, jumps on O’Hara and puts his hand
around his throat.

O’HARA
(to Jonathan)
Don’t !
(to Brophy)
Sarge !

The three cops and Jonathan starts fighting. A fist comes out of
the battle and hits Mortimer on the chin. He staggers back to the
center of the room, and falls on the floor.

We see Einstein cautiously appearing on the landing of the upper
floor of the house. He slowly comes down the stairs.

Down in the sitting-room, the fight goes on. Saunders falls on his
back and Jonathan jumps on him. O’Hara, in his turn, jumps on
Jonathan. Behind them, Mortimer is slowly getting up and getting
rid of his ropes. Apparently, his fall has completely untied him.

Einstein, watching this heated fight, moves back to the upper
floor.

Mortimer gets rid of his gag, and slowly moves away from the
battle.

BROPHY
(voice over)
Look out, Pat !… Look out, Pat !

SAUNDERS
(voice over)
He’s got a gun…

BROPHY
(voice over)
I got him, Pat. Look out !

MORTIMER
Fight. Go on and fight.

Mortimer climbs up a few steps on the staircase and sits down on a
step.

MORTIMER
That’s enough, that’s enough. Everybody off.

BROPHY
(voice over)
Pat ! Pat, look out!

Mortimer, still seated on the step, quietly gets his cigarette
case from his pocket, takes a cigarette, puts the case back in his
pocket, while we hears the noise of the battle still going on down
below.

MORTIMER
Amazing… Such a fine day, too. All I did was cross the
bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing. Amazing, amazing.

He takes a matchbox from another pocket and lights his cigarette.
Behind Mortimer, on the wall, we see the shadows of the men
fighting. Then we see various objects falling around Mortimer.

MORTIMER
Don’t… Don’t bother me now.

O’Hara is projected on the wall below the staircase, near the
place where Mortimer is still quietly seated.
MORTIMER
Buddy, you could use this in the third act.

O’HARA
Oh yes, I got something better than this. Let me tell
you…

Jonathan breaks a chair on his back. O’Hara staggers slightly.

O’HARA
I’ll see you later.

He goes back in the battle. Jonathan gives him a heavy punch and
O’Hara falls in the window-seat, closing the lid over himself in
his fall.

Back to Mortimer, still quietly smoking his cigarette, seated on
the same step. He takes papers out of his pocket.

MORTIMER
I got the papers signed. There, they’re all signed. What do
I care ? Go ahead, go ahead, fight, fight, fight-fight-
fight !

O’Hara cautiously lifts the lid of the window-seat, but seeing a
chair flying in his direction, he slams it back shut. The chair
hits the window-seat and breaks off in small pieces.

Back to Mortimer on his steps. He puts the papers back in his
pocket.

MORTIMER
I’d better call up and see if Witherspoon has left.

He puts his hand through the banister of the staircase to take the
telephone on the desk, but he cannot reach it.

MORTIMER
Telephone. Hey !

At this moment, Jonathan comes smashing on the wall below the
staircase. He grabs the telephone and lifts it to throw it on the
cops, bringing it within easy reach of Mortimer’s hand.

JONATHAN
I’ll get every one of you ! I hate cops. I’ll brain the
first one that comes near me !

Mortimer picks up the telephone handset, and starts dialing.

MORTIMER
Yeah. A little higher, please, brother.

Jonathan is watching the cops around him, and he is not looking at
all at his brother behind him. Without thinking about it, he lifts
the telephone a little higher.

MORTIMER
Thank you very much. Yeah, that’s fine.
Jonathan suddenly realizes what Mortimer is doing and turns his
head toward him. Brophy immediately comes behind him and hits him
with his stick. Jonathan starts falling, and Mortimer has to pick
up the telephone not to loose it.

MORTIMER
Oh ! Don’t do that, please.

BROPHY
Get him, Pat.

Saunders comes on the other side of Jonathan and hits him with his
stick.

MORTIMER
(in the phone)
Come on, doc…
(to the cops)
That won’t have any effect. I’ve tried it before…

Jonathan falls heavily on the floor.
MORTIMER
Oh, it did. Dear me ! Isn’t that amazing ?

O’Hara slowly lifts the lid of the window-seat.

Saunders bends on the motionless body of Jonathan

MORTIMER
Oh, dear. Wish I could relax like that.

The doorbell rings, and we see the shadow of a hatted man through
the frosted glass. Mortimer looks at the door.

MORTIMER
Witherspoon !

BROPHY
Come in.

The visitor enters. It’s Lieutenant Rooney, a plain-cloth
policeman. He closes the door behind him. Both Brophy and Saunders
stand at attention. Mortimer puts the phone receiver back on its
hook. O’Hara comes out of the window-seat, and, seeing his
superior, stands at attention. Rooney walks to the body of
Jonathan.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What has occurred ?

BROPHY & SAUNDERS
(speaking together)
Well, we…

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Never mind ! Didn’t I tell you I’d handle this myself ?

O’Hara comes out of the window-seat to join his colleagues.
O’HARA
Well, Lieutenant ! We were just acting in self-defense.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(pointing to the body of Jonathan)
What happened ? He put up a fight ?

BROPHY
This isn’t the one who blows the bugle. This is his
brother. He tried to kill O’Hara.

O’HARA
All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Boris ?… Turn him over.

Saunders turns Jonathan over and both the lieutenant and Brophy
bends on the face of Jonathan.

BROPHY
Kind of think he’s wanted somewhere.
Rooney stands up and looks at Brophy with an ironical smile.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Oh ! You «kind of think he’s wanted somewhere» ? If you
guys can’t look at the circulars we put up in the station,
you can at least read short detective stories. Certainly,
he’s wanted somewhere. In Indiana ! He escaped from the
prison for criminally insane. He’s a lifer.

Still seated on his step, Mortimer smiles.

MORTIMER
That’s my brother !

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
For Pete’s sake, that’s the way they described him. «He
looked like Karloff». Why’d you have to knock him off ?

BROPHY
He tried to get us to go down to the cellar. He says there
are thirteen bodies buried down there.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar, and that don’t tip
you off the guy’s come from a nuthouse ?

MORTIMER
Thanks, pal.

O’HARA
Say, lieutenant, about my not ringing in, I want to
explain…

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Where have you been all night ? Don’t bother to tell me.

O’HARA
Oh, I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Yeah ?

O’HARA
Yeah.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Well, you’re going to have a long time on that play.

O’HARA
Yeah ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
You’re suspended. Now go on. Report in.

Teddy comes out of his room, with his bugle under his arm, and
walks downstairs

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(voice over)
Take this guy out in the kitchen and bring a pillow. I want
to find out where his accomplice is.

TEDDY
(to Mortimer)
What is the meaning of this commotion ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
The guy who helped him escape. He’s wanted, too.

Teddy gives his bugle to Mortimer.

TEDDY
Here.

He joins the group of policemen.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Forty-eight hours I’ve been after these guys. Nothing to
eat. No sleep. No wonder Brooklyn’s in the shape it’s in.
With flatheads like you on the force. Falling for a story
like that ! Thirteen bodies buried down in the cellar.

TEDDY
But there are thirteen bodies in the cellar !

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Who are you ?

TEDDY
I’m President Roosevelt.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(whispering to Brophy)
What the blazes is this ?

BROPHY
He’s the guy that blows the bugle.
SAUNDERS
Howdy, Colonel.

Saunders and Brophy both salutes Teddy. Teddy salutes them back.
Rooney raises his hand to salute, but rapidly puts it down with a
disgusted expression on his face.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Well, Colonel, you’ve blown your last bugle.
(pointing to Jonathan’s body)
Come on, get this guy out of here.

TEDDY
Dear me ! Another yellow-fever victim ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What ?

TEDDY
All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims.
BROPHY
No-no-no, Colonel. This is a spy. We caught him at the
White House.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Take him out and bring him to. I want to question him.

Brophy and Saunders lift Jonathan and carry him to the kitchen.

TEDDY
If there is any questioning of spies, that’s my department.

He follows the two cops. But Rooney stops him.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Hey, you, keep out of that.

TEDDY
You’re forgetting that as President, I am also head of the
Secret Service.

He follows the two cops in the kitchen. Rooney goes to the table,
takes the carafe and smells it. Mortimer watches him, still seated
on his step.

MORTIMER
Huh-huh-huh !

Rooney puts the carafe back on the table, and looks at Mortimer.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Who are you ? What’s your name ?

MORTIMER
Usually, I’m Mortimer Brewster. But I’m not quite myself
today.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Oh, you’re his brother. Now, look, Mister Brewster, no
argument. He’s got to be put away.

Mortimer stands up and goes down the steps toward the lieutenant.

MORTIMER
No, no, no arguments, Captain. No arguments. Just a minute,
take it easy. Read this.

He takes the papers from his pocket and show them to Rooney.

MORTIMER
Teddy’s going to go to Happy Dale tonight. I’m just waiting
here for Mr. Witherspoon.

Rooney looks at the documents.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Well, as long as he’s going someplace. He’s scaring the
neighbors, what with that bugle and all. And that cockeyed
story about thirteen bodies being buried…
Rooney stops, looks around with a suspicious eye and takes his hat
off.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
You know, I’ve been without sleep for forty-eight hours.
I’m liable to think anything.

MORTIMER
I know just how you feel.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
There’s people dumb enough to believe a story like that.
Last year there was a crazy guy, started a murder rumor. I
had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove…
Ohh ! What’s this ?

Rooney puts the papers down.

MORTIMER
What’s the matter ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
These papers are no good.

MORTIMER
Why not ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
He signed it Theodore Roosevelt !

Rooney shows the papers to Mortimer.

MORTIMER
He what ?…

Mortimer looks at the papers with horror in his face and takes
them back.
BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

The cab driver is seated with O’Hara and Witherspoon standing on
either side of him.

WITHERSPOON
Is your cab engaged ?

CAB DRIVER
Yeah ! I’m losing dough every minute. Got me offers ?

WITHERSPOON
I’m Mister Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium, I have
come here to collect a Brewster. I would like you to drive
us back to the sanitarium.

He walks to the entrance of the house. O’Hara stays with the cab
driver.

CAB DRIVER
I knew this would end up in a nuthouse !
Witherspoon comes back a few steps.

WITHERSPOON
We like to think of it as a rest home.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR DAY

Witherspoon enters the room. We hear voices talking excitedly. And
we see people in some sort of a large alcove at the back of the
sitting-room, between the cellar-door and the grandfather clock.

WITHERSPOON
Mister Brewster ? Mister Brewster ?

Through the hole in the kitchen door, we see Brophy talking.

WITHERSPOON
Mr. Witherspoon is here.

Witherspoon slams the door.

In the alcove, Mortimer, Rooney and Teddy are having an argument.
Mortimer still has the bugle in his hand.

MORTIMER
Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name
Theodore Roosevelt on it. Think what that would mean to the
safety of the nation !

Rooney holds the document for Teddy, who has a pen in his hand.

TEDDY
No, it’s chicanery.

MORTIMER
Oh, wasting the time.

Saunders approaches his lieutenant.
SAUNDERS
He’s come to. He’s ready to talk.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Hold him till I get there.

SAUNDERS
Yes, sir.

He moves away back to the kitchen.

MORTIMER
Let me explain. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.

TEDDY
Code for Roosevelt ?

MORTIMER
Yes, don’t you see ? Take the name Brewster. Take away the
«B» and what have you got ?
TEDDY
Rooster.

MORTIMER
And what does a rooster do ?

TEDDY
Crows.

MORTIMER
It crows! And where are you hunting in Africa ?

TEDDY
On the veldt !

MORTIMER
There you are ! «Crowsveldt».

Mortimer gives a quick look at Rooney.

TEDDY
Ingenious ! My compliments to the boys in the code
department.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Hey, that’s all right ! Do that again for me.

TEDDY
Never mind ! Give me that pen. This is fun.

He signs the paper under Rooney’s supervision.

MORTIMER
Now, now, all I got to get is Witherspoon.

He runs to the table in the middle of the sitting-room, where
Witherspoon is standing. He goes around the table to shake hands
with him.
MORTIMER
Oh ! Oh ! Mister Witherspoon, I can’t tell you how glad I
am to see you. Mister Witherspoon… Before… Look… You
will take good care of Teddy at Happy Dale ?

WITHERSPOON
Best of care of him, Mister Brewster.

MORTIMER
Oh, that’s fine. And no wagon when he leaves.

WITHERSPOON
Why ? To take him away ? Oh, never, never. Taxicabs. We
always… I have one waiting now.

MORTIMER
Yes, look, it means a great deal to me. You will personally
see that Teddy’s happy at Happy Dale ?

WITHERSPOON
He’ll be very happy at Happy Dale.
MORTIMER
Oh, that’s good.

WITHERSPOON
You know, I sometimes envy some of our patients, secretly,
you know.

MORTIMER
Oh, you do ? It must be a nice place. Because I’ve never
been to Happy Dale.

WITHERSPOON
You never can tell.

Mortimer looks surprised by Witherspoon’s answer. Then he looks
also a bit horrified.

WITHERSPOON
Oh, this is a particularly happy moment for me tonight,
Mister… Mister Brewster. Yes, I’ve never met a dramatic
critic and I had been so anxious to.

MORTIMER
Oh, the woods are full of them.

WITHERSPOON
I have here something that will explain what we’re trying
to do out there at Happy Dale.

He gets a booklet out of his pocket.

MORTIMER
Oh ! A pamphlet about Happy Dale ?

WITHERSPOON
Oh, no-no, it’s a play. Something I’ve been working on for
some time now.
When Mortimer sees Witherspoon flipping the pages of his booklet,
a slightly frightened look comes to his face.

WITHERSPOON
It’s a dramatization of many of the little incidents
that have happened here at Happy Dale.

MORTIMER
Captain ! Captain !… Captain !

Rooney, who was checking the documents signed by Teddy, turns
around.

WITHERSPOON
Now, I want you to read this very carefully. I want you to
be just as harsh as you like. I shan’t mind, you know…

Rooney comes toward them with the documents in his hand.

MORTIMER
Captain, this is Mister Witherspoon.
Witherspoon looks at Rooney with a smile.

WITHERSPOON
Oh, yes, yes, he’ll be very happy at Happy Dale. Come, my
boy.

Witherspoon takes Rooney’s arm. Rooney pushes him away.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What is this?

MORTIMER
No, no, no-no, Mister Witherspoon, you got it wrong. This
is… this is Captain Rooney.

WITHERSPOON
The police ?… Oh !

The two men shake hands, and Rooney gives the papers to
Witherspoon.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
I’m sure! Here are the papers, all signed. Now you can take
him away, Super.

Teddy joins them.

TEDDY
I’ll be in my office vetoing some bills.

MORTIMER
Mister President, I have good news for you. Your term of
office is over.

TEDDY
Is this March the four ?
MORTIMER
Practically.

TEDDY
Let’s see… Oh ! Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa !
Well, I must get started immediately.

Teddy starts walking away, but he stops suddenly and gives
Witherspoon a suspicious look.

TEDDY
Is he trying to move into the White House before I’ve moved
out ?

MORTIMER
Who, Mister President ?

Teddy looks at Witherspoon with a disgusted face.

TEDDY
Taft !
MORTIMER
No, no, Teddy this isn’t Mister Taft. It’s Mister
Witherspoon, he’s going to be your guide to Africa.

Teddy shakes hands with Witherspoon.

TEDDY
Bully ! Bully ! Wait right here. I’ll bring down my
equipment.

Witherspoon looks at Teddy walking away with a sweet smile.

WITHERSPOON
Happy man.

Teddy starts going upstairs and he meets Abby and Martha coming
down. They’re dressed back in their usual clothes. Teddy shakes
hands with them.

TEDDY
Goodbye, Aunt Abby, goodbye Aunt Martha. I’m on my way to
Africa. Isn’t it wonderful ?

For the last time, Teddy takes out his imaginary sword, points it
forward and rushes upstairs.

TEDDY
Charge !

He gets into his room and slams the door behind him. Witherspoon
looks a bit surprised, and Mortimer holds the hands of the
grandfather clock. Abby joins him

MORTIMER
It’s all right, Aunt Abby, I’ve got it.

Witherspoon looks at the scene with slightly anxious eyes.
WITHERSPOON
Oh, dear. And Happy Dale is full of staircases.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Elaine walks across the churchyard toward the Brewster’s house.
She is wearing a coat over her nightdress.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Abby and Martha are talking with Witherspoon.

MARTHA
You’ve come to meet Teddy, haven’t you ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(voice over)
No, he’s come to take him. Teddy’s been blowing his bugle
again.

Both sisters turn toward Rooney.
ABBY
Oh, no-no, no, he can’t go now ! We won’t permit it.

MARTHA
We promise to take his bugle away from him. We won’t be
separated from Teddy.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
I’m sorry.

ABBY
Mortimer, how can you allow this ? You promised.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Mister Brewster’s got nothing to do with this, see. The law
is the law ! Teddy’s committed himself and he’s got to go.

ABBY
Well, if he’s going, we’re going, too !

MARTHA
Yes, you’ll have to take us with him.

Mortimer smiles broadly.

MORTIMER
Why-why… why not ? Why not, indeed ?

WITHERSPOON
Oh well now, indeed, it’s sweet of them to want to go, but
it’s quite impossible. We never take sane people at Happy
Dale.

Mortimer comes very close to Witherspoon, and tries, by mime only,
to induce Witherspoon to take his aunts.

WITHERSPOON
Oh, no-no-no-no…
MORTIMER
(whispering)
Now, these two little sane people, mixed up with all the
others, will get lost in the shuffle. You could arrange
that.

WITHERSPOON
Oh, no-no-no-no…

MORTIMER
Just put them in and they’ll get all mixed up.

WITHERSPOON
Oh, no ! No, no ! No ! Too dangerous. Dissension, jealousy.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Elaine has now reached the Brewster house and opens a window. We
hear Lieutenant Rooney’s voice.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(voice over)
Now, let’s be sensible, ladies…

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Rooney is talking to the Brewster sisters.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
…Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some
serious work. You know, ladies, there are still murders
to be solved in Brooklyn. It ain’t only his bugle blowing,
and neighbors being afraid of him. But things are going to
get worse. We’re liable to have to dig up your cellar.

ABBY
Our cellar ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Yeah.

Mortimer seems a bit worried.

MORTIMER
Oh-oh !

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Yeah, Teddy’s been telling around there’s thirteen bodies
buried in the cellar.

ABBY
But there are thirteen bodies in our cellar.

Witherspoon, who was looking at something on the table, looks up,
very surprised by what Abby just said.

Behind the window and the drapes, where she is hiding and
eavesdropping, Elaine looks very surprised too.
Rooney smiles a little, and then becomes suddenly very serious.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What ?

ABBY
Yes. You just ask our nephew, Mortimer.

Mortimer blows the bugle very loudly. Rooney puts his hands on his
ears. Then Mortimer rushes upstairs, yelling :

MORTIMER
Charge !

Mortimer reaches the balcony. Teddy comes out of his room, looking
intrigued

MORTIMER
(whispering)
Isn’t that amazing ?

ABBY
Now, Mortimer, you behave yourself. You know very well
there are thirteen bodies down in our cellar.

MORTIMER
Certainly there’s thirteen bodies down in the cellar. And
there are hundreds more up in the attic, Captain !

Teddy taps the side of his head with his finger, goes back into
his room, and closes the door. Mortimer tries to indicate by mime
that his aunts are crazy

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What is this ?

Very quick shot of Elaine peeking behind the drapes

MARTHA
You mustn’t mind Mortimer.

Saunders comes to his lieutenant.

SAUNDERS
How about it, lieutenant ?

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
I’ll be right there.

He moves away.

MARTHA
He’s been a little strange all day.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Well, right now I wouldn’t know what is and what ain’t
strange anymore. I’ll better have a look in that cellar.

MORTIMER
I’ll tell you what we’ll do, Captain. I’ll bring my bodies
down from the attic and you get yours down from the cellar,
and we’ll get them all together, and we’ll send them to
Happy Dale.

He sings the last words, trying again to mime to Rooney that his
two aunts are crazy.

ABBY
No, no, you wouldn’t have to dig. The graves are all
marked. We put flowers on them every Sunday.

Mortimer walks downstairs.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Flowers ?

MORTIMER
Sure, I put neon lights on mine.

He whispers to Rooney from the staircase.

MORTIMER
Humor them, humor them. Smile.

Rooney doesn’t seem to understand what Mortimer is trying to tell
him. But Witherspoon is beginning to understand.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What ?

ABBY
There’s one down there, a Mister Spenalzo…

MORTIMER
(whispering)
Hasn’t got it yet.

He resumes his walking downstairs.

ABBY
…who doesn’t belong here and who’s going to have to
leave.

MARTHA
But the other twelve are our gentlemen.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Your gentlemen ?

MORTIMER
Oh, you’d like mine better. None of mine are gentlemen.

ABBY
You mustn’t mind him at all. He got married today.

MORTIMER
(singing)
«There is a Happy Dale far, far away. There is a Happy”

While singing, Mortimer makes signs to Rooney and Witherspoon.
And, finally, Rooney understand what Mortimer is trying to tell
him, that his aunts are crazy.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(nodding)
Yeah, yeah.

MORTIMER
He got it. It’s amazing.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(to Witherspoon)
Look, Super, don’t you think you can find room for the
ladies ?

WITHERSPOON
Just the ladies ?

He looks at Mortimer. Mortimer stops clowning, and becomes very
serious.

MORTIMER
Just the ladies, not me !

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
How about it, Super ?

WITHERSPOON
Well, of course, they’d have to be committed.

WITHERSPOON
Well, Teddy committed himself. Couldn’t they commit
themselves also ? All they have to do is sign the papers.

WITHERSPOON
Certainly.

MARTHA
Oh well, if we can go with Teddy, we’ll sign the papers.
Where are they ?

Witherspoon takes the papers out of the inside pocket of his coat.

WITHERSPOON
I have them, ladies, I have them right here.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(to Witherspoon)
Sign them up, will you, Super ? I want this all cleaned up.
I’m going out to talk to that spy. Maybe I can understand
him. Thirteen bodies down in the cellar.

Rooney, absent-mindedly, is ready to go down to the cellar, but he
checks himself and goes toward the kitchen instead.

WITHERSPOON
Ladies, if you will sign right here.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT
Elaine opens a large trapdoor opening on a stairway going down to
the cellar. She starts going down that passage.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – SITTING ROOM – INTERIOR NIGHT

Einstein walks on the balcony, carrying a suitcase, and starts
going downstairs. In the room, we can guess that the two sisters
are signing the papers.

ABBY
(voice over)
Right here ?

WITHERSPOON
(voice over)
Yes, please. It’s on the right-hand side right there.

Martha and Abby are seated at the table, signing the papers.
Witherspoon and Mortimer, standing besides them, are helping them.

ABBY
I’m really looking forward to going. The neighborhood here
has changed so.

MARTHA
Yes. Especially since they won that old pennant thing.

WITHERSPOON
Oh… oh, dear, I’m so sorry. We’ve overlooked something.
It’s absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a
physician.

Einstein has reached the bottom of the stairs and he is sneaking
out through the front door.

MORTIMER
A doctor… Oh ! Doctor Einstein ! Come here and sign some
papers, please.

Einstein turns around.

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Good night.

MORTIMER
Come here, Doctor Einstein.

WITHERSPOON
A doctor ?

MORTIMER
Oh, yes, yes. Doctor Einstein almost operated on me earlier
this evening. Come on, Doctor.

Einstein drops his suitcase by the front door, and comes to the
table.

MORTIMER
Here. Just sign right here, please, Doctor.
Einstein signs the paper Mortimer gives him. Meanwhile, Rooney and
Saunders are coming out of the kitchen and crossing the room.

ABBY
Were you leaving, Doctor ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
Yes, please.

MARTHA
Oh ! Aren’t you going to wait for Jonathan ?

DOCTOR EINSTEIN
I don’t think we go to the same place.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(speaking on the telephone)
Hello, Mac. We picked up that guy that’s wanted in Indiana.
His accomplice’s description is one on the circular, on the
desk. Read it to me, will you ?

Einstein leaves the table, and almost bumps into Saunders, who is
brushing his uniform. He listen to the description of himself that
Rooney is repeating from his colleague at the police station.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
(still on the phone)
Yeah… About forty… Five-foot-three… One hundred and
forty pounds… Pop eyes… Talks with a German accent…
Poses as a doctor… Okay, Mac. Thanks.

He puts the phone back on its hook.

Witherspoon slaps Einstein on the back, and Einstein starts
raising his arms.

WITHERSPOON
It’s all right, Lieutenant Rooney. The doctor here has
completed the signatures.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Oh, that’s great ! Thanks, Doc. You’ve done Brooklyn a
great service.

He shakes Einstein’s hand and slaps his back. Einstein cannot
believe his luck. He smiles and rushes to the door.

ABBY
But Dr. Einstein !

Einstein picks up his suitcase, and rushes out of the door, and
closes it behind him.

WITHERSPOON
(to Mortimer)
Now, Mister Witherspoon…

MORTIMER
No, no, you’re Mister Witherspoon, I’m Mister Brewster.
WITHERSPOON
(laughing)
It’s contagious, yes. It’s your turn.

MORTIMER
Now, don’t play games…

WITHERSPOON
You sign. You sign as next of kin.

MORTIMER
Oh, next of kin. Why didn’t you say so ? I’m all confused.
Don’t mind me.

Teddy appears on the balcony, all dressed up in his colonial
costume, but without the helmet.

TEDDY
Mr. Witherport.

WITHERSPOON
Spoon.
Mortimer picks up a spoon on the table and gives it to
Witherspoon.

MORTIMER
Oh, here it is.

TEDDY
Come up and pack my duffel.

WITHERSPOON
Duffel ?

MORTIMER
Yes, duffel. Pack his duffel. He’s President, you know ?

WITHERSPOON
Oh !

TEDDY
And bring along my bugle.

Witherspoon looks on the table, where the bugle is, and then at
Mortimer. Mortimer makes a little agreement sign.

MORTIMER
President.

Witherspoon picks up the bugle, and starts walking upstairs. He
stops after a few steps, as if he were hesitating.

MORTIMER
Don’t charge !

Mortimer and Witherspoon are exchanging faces. Martha and Abby are
whispering into each other’s ear.

ABBY
Mortimer. Mortimer, we’re really very worried about
something.

MORTIMER
Oh, now, darling, don’t be worried.

He kisses Abby.

MARTHA
Me too, Mortimer.

MORTIMER
Well, of course, darling.

He kisses Martha.

MORTIMER
You’ll both are going to be very happy at Happy Dale, will
you.

MARTHA
Oh yes, dear, we’re very happy about the whole thing,
but that’s just it. We don’t want anything to go wrong.

MORTIMER
Well, what would go wrong ?

ABBY
Mortimer, will they investigate those signatures ?

MORTIMER
Oh, no, they won’t look up Dr. Einstein…

MARTHA
But it’s not his signature, dear. It’s yours.

MORTIMER
Mine ?

ABBY
You see, you signed as next of kin.

MORTIMER
Oh, what’s wrong about that, darling ?

ABBY
Well… Martha, you tell him now.

MARTHA
Well, dear.

MORTIMER
What, dear ?

MARTHA
You’re not really a Brewster.

Mortimer, who had a happy smile on his face until now, suddenly
looks very surprised.
MORTIMER
Huh ? What ? What ?

ABBY
Your mother came to us as a cook. And you were born about
three months afterwards. And she was such a sweet woman and
such a good cook, we didn’t want to lose her. So brother
married her. Your real father was a cook, too. He was a
chef on a tramp steamer.

MORTIMER
You mean… you mean I’m not really a Brewster ?… Oh !

He almost falls backward. Both sisters catch him up.

MARTHA
Oh, darling ! Don’t feel so badly about it.

ABBY
I’m sure it won’t make any difference to Elaine.

He yells several whooping cries and then kisses them both very
affectionately. Then he rushes to the window, jumps into the open
window-seat, opens the drapes and yells outside.

MORTIMER
Elaine ! Elaine ! Where are you ? Can you hear me ? I’m not
really a Brewster ! I’m the son of a sea cook !

We hear Elaine screaming. Elaine comes running upstairs from the
cellar.

ELAINE
Mortimer ! Mortimer ! Mortimer ! It’s true ! It’s true ! I
saw them. Mortimer, it’s true.

Rooney and Saunders come out of the kitchen.

ELAINE
It’s true ! There are thirteen bodies down there !

Mortimer tries to make her shut up, and succeeds only by kissing
her very passionately on the mouth.

ELAINE
(mumbles through Mortimer’s mouth)
But I saw them

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What’s all this screaming about ?

Elaine tries to put a few words but Mortimer keeps on kissing her.

ELAINE
(mumbles through Mortimer’s mouth)
But I saw them…

MORTIMER
It’s way past her bedtime.
With his mouth still pressed on her, he lifts her and carries her
across the room to the front door.

MORTIMER
Quiet !

ELAINE
But, Mortimer…

MORTIMER
Goodbye !

He opens the door and rushes outside. The two sisters come to the
door, waving goodbyes to him.

ABBY
Bye.

MARTHA
Goodbye, darling !

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
What is all this ?

ABBY
They’re going on their honeymoon.

LIEUTENANT ROONEY
Well, they’re off to a flying start.

The two sisters burst laughing and turn to the door.

BREWSTER RESIDENCE – EXTERIOR NIGHT

Mortimer comes out of the house, still carrying Elaine with his
mouth pressed on her. O’Hara and the cab driver, who were chatting
together, jump up and look at the strange couple. Mortimer, still
carrying Elaine, moves along the house, with the cab driver
following him.

O’HARA
(finishing the story he was telling the cab driver)
I pull my gun at…

CAB DRIVER
Hey !

MORTIMER
What ?

ELAINE
I really did see…

CAB DRIVER
Hey ! You’ll own two cabs !

MORTIMER
Huh ?

CAB DRIVER
I mean the meter !

Elaine, eventually, comes out of her hysteria. She puts her arms
around Mortimer, and talks to him in a very sweet voice.

ELAINE
Oh, Mortimer.

They kiss very tenderly. The cab driver comes closer to the couple
and looks at their closed-eyes faces.

CAB DRIVER
(imitating Elaine’s voice)
Oh, Mortimer.

Mortimer turns to him.

MORTIMER
(to the cab driver)
Oh, we’re going to Niagara Falls. Call me a cab, dear.

CAB DRIVER
Yes, love.

The cab driver realizes his mistake and checks himself.

CAB DRIVER
But, Mister Brewster !

MORTIMER
No, no, I’m not a Brewster. I’m a son of a sea cook.

He laughs and lifts a very surprised Elaine on his shoulder, and
runs through the churchyard towards Reverend Harper’s house.

MORTIMER
Charge !

The cab driver puts his hands to his face, then takes them away
and yells :

CAB DRIVER
I’m not a cabdriver. I’m a coffeepot !

With one hand on his cap, and the other hand extended on his side,
he mimes a coffeepot.

In the background, we see Mortimer entering the house, with Elaine
still on his shoulder. The cab driver drops his arms and walks
back to his taxi.

FADE OUT TO BLACK SCREEN

THE END

END CREDITS

Both the words «The End» and the credits are written in white
letters on a cartoon representing a village with a sorceress
flying on a broomstick above the village.




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