In the living room
Danny: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce America’s newest superstar our own mini Meryl Streep, Miss Donna Jo Tanner!
Jesse: Beautiful .
D.J.: Thank you, thank you .
Danny: What an afternoon of theater. D.J. as the beautiful princess in The Frog Prince. I laughed, I cried, I learned about life.
Joey: I wish I didn’t miss the ending. Michelle, why did you start crying?
Jesse: Because she was so moved by D.J.’s performance. Or she had gas.
Stephanie: D.J., do it again for Joey.
Danny: Yeah, could you please, Deej?
D.J.: I’d love to, but I need a frog.
Jesse: What, do I look like a frog? Just checking .
D.J.: Okay, let’s do it.
Danny: Guys, get a front-row seat.
D.J.: Okay, Jesse, get on the floor and try to act like a frog .
Jesse: How’s this?
Danny: I just wanna dip your legs in garlic butter.
D.J.: Oh, frog, why does the world force us to meet in secret? Do not all of God’s creatures share the heart that feels pain, love, joy and sorrow? If my true love is a frog, then so be it.
Jesse: My princess!
D.J.: My prince!
Jesse: Thank you .
D.J.: Thank you .
Stephanie: The girl is hot.
D.J.: This acting thing is so cool.
Jesse: Hey, Daniel, you’ve got a major talent here. You know people in show biz. Make some calls. Maybe she can audition for, like, a commercial .
D.J.: Great idea, Uncle Jesse!
Danny: Oh, yeah, great idea, Uncle Jesse. D.J., honey, I’ll ask around, but don’t get your hopes up too high, okay?
D.J.: I understand, Dad . Whatever happens, happens. But I hope it happens this week.
Danny: If I kiss you, will you turn back into a frog?
In the kitchen
Jesse: Michelle, you gotta be sick of all that strained baby grub they give you here. Here. Here’s a corned-beef sandwich on rye with a big, fat, kosher pickle. Now, what do you want on the side? Potato salad or coleslaw? Just the pickle? Okay.
Danny: Hey, Jesse. Hey, Michelle. Jesse. Why is Michelle eating a pickle and a corned-beef sandwich?
Jesse: Because I didn’t have time to make buffalo chicken wings.
Danny: I’ll take that, thank you.
Joey: Hey, Jess, Danny, Michelle.
Jesse: You did some shopping. Very nice. Hey, do you want a corned-beef sandwich on rye?
Joey: No, thank you .
Jesse: You don’t want a corned-beef sandwich on rye? It’s extra fatty.
Joey: No, thanks. Why would I want that when I have meatless vegetable cutlets, marinated tofu squares, salt-free rice crackers?
Jesse: What’d you do, win a Hare Krishna-family publisher sweepstakes?
Danny: Isn’t that the one with Ed McMahon in the orange robe and the shaved head?
Joey: Hey, you guys can make fun of my food all you want. I got some test results back from my doctor. He said my cholesterol is high, but there’s nothing to worry about. All’s I have to do is start exercising a little more.
Jesse: Exercise is good for you, Joseph .
Joey: Eat less saturated fats.
Jesse: No fats.
Danny: Good. Keep you slim.
Joey: And I’ve decided to completely give up junk food. What, you guys don’t think I can do it?
Jesse: Good sandwich. Mighty good sandwich.
Joey: You are talking to Mr. Willpower, dudes. It just so happens I gave up smoking like that.
Danny: Joey, I’ve known you forever. When did you smoke?
Joey: When I was 12. I smoked four cigarettes, my dad caught me, and I stopped cold turkey.
Danny: Okay. Back to my life. Look, guys, I called up a casting director as someone so thoughtfully suggested right in front of D.J. Thanks, frog boy. Anyway, it turns out there’s an audition next week for some cereal commercial. I don’t even know if I should tell D.J.
Jesse: Daniel, in life, when something comes along, you must grab it. D.J.’s going for it.
Joey: Wrong yet one more time.
Joey: D.J. will get all excited, she’ll get beat out by some professional kiddie actor and she’ll feel like a loser. Don’t put her through it.
Jesse: Go for it.
Joey: Don’t put her through it.
Danny: This is the hard part about being a parent. Every decision could drastically alter the lives of my children forever.
Jesse: Joey’s right. Don’t put her through it.
Joey: Jesse’s right. She should go for it.
Jesse: I don’t know what I’m talking about, and there’s no one here that can say I do.
Danny: Maybe I should talk this over with D.J. instead of Gomer and Goober.
Jesse: If you think that’s best.
Joey: Yeah. You’re the dad.
Danny: Feed my kid, please.
Jesse: All right. Feed the kid, Gomer.
Joey: Okay, Goob. Jess, think about it. Every decision we make could possibly affect these girls for the rest of their lives. What should we feed Michelle? Strained broccoli or strained peas?
Jesse: Don’t ask me.
Joey: Michelle, it’s up to you. Now, remember, that’s your decision.
In D.J. and Stephanie‘s room
Danny: Hi, honey. Homework?
D.J.: Yeah. We’re learning about the Bill of Rights. Does freedom of speech mean I can say anything I want around the house?
Danny: Sure, but don’t forget, I have freedom of: “Say that again, and you’re grounded.” Look, D.J., there’s–D.J. D.J., there’s something I want you to think about very carefully. I called a casting director, and there’s an audition next week for a cereal commercial.
D.J.: Great! I wanna do it!
Danny: Honey, you realize the chances of getting this job are very, very tiny. Microscopic.
D.J.: I wanna do it.
Danny: If you do this, it should be for fun. I don’t want you to feel disappointed if you don’t get it.
D.J.: Listen to me, Dad. I want to do it.
Danny: I understand you want to do it. But will you consider this before you make your decision?
D.J.: Sure, Dad.
D.J.: I wanna do it!
In the waiting room
Jesse: Okay, this is it, girls.
D.J.: They all look so professional.
Vivian: Very nice audition, Karen.
Karen: Thank you so much, Vivian. It felt good for me too. Why don’t I leave you my new picture and resume. Well, I hope I’ll be hearing from you soon.
Stephanie: Was that a little kid or a tiny grownup?
Jesse: Steph, why don’t you go over there and do some coloring, okay?
D.J.: Uncle Jesse, this was a mistake. I don’t have a picture. I don’t have a resume. All I did was kiss a frog.
Jesse: All right. I’ll take care of this for you, all right?
Jesse: May I call you Viv? Hi, Viv. Listen, I’d like to introduce to you a very talented young actress Miss Donna Jo Tanner. Look at that face.
Vivian: Nice face. Just sign in and leave your picture and resume at the desk.
D.J.: But I don’t have a picture.
Stephanie: Yes, you do! Right here. I didn’t have time to make hair.
In the studio
D.J.: Hey, moms and dads, come real close to the set. Send all the kids out of the room. Are they gone? Good. I’ve got a secret. Oat boats are chocked full of vitamins and minerals. But don’t let your kids know. They’ll eat them anyways because they taste so great. Yeah, Oat Boats! Now, remember, this is our little secret. If the word gets out, I’ll deny everything.
Jesse: Oh, beautiful! That was great. That was so–I’m sorry. I was touched. I was moved.
Stephanie: Kids will love her. I do.
Vivian: So do I. You were terrific. I want you to stay and do it again for Mr. Benton. He makes the final decision.
D.J.: Yes, yes, yes! I mean, very well. Excuse me. Do I have time to do my hair before Mr. Benton gets here?
Vivian: Sure, no problem.
Jesse: I gotta go put some change in the meter. Steph, you stay right here and be good.
Jesse & D.J.: Yes!
Stephanie: Miss Vivian, can I please have a little cereal? D.J. was so good, she made me wanna eat some.
Vivian: Knock yourself out.
Stephanie: Thanks. I love Oat Boat races. It’s the strawberry against the banana! And they’re off! It’s the banana! It’s the strawberry! And the banana wins. First prize is a trip to my mouth.
Mr. Benton: I love it! I didn’t think we were gonna go this young but this little girl is adorable. Vivian, you’ve done it again.
Vivian: Well, Mr. Benton, sometimes you just have to go with your instincts.
Mr. Benton: Congratulations, young lady, you’re the new Oat Boat girl.
In the kitchen
Joey: Well, here we go. Some of my special seaweed-protein wheat-germ tonic. Cholesterol-free.
Joey: Hey, Deej.
Danny: Something tells me things didn’t go so great at the audition, did they?
D.J.: Oh, no.
Danny: We talked about how this might happen. They probably just gave the part to somebody’s relative.
D.J.: Oh, yeah.
Danny: I know. D.J. didn’t get the part.
Jesse: Here’s something you don’t know: Steph did.
Danny: Stephanie got the part? That’s wonderful! I’m really sorry. But that’s wonderful! I’m really sorry. How did this happen?
Jesse: If I said, “Hey, that’s show biz,” would that get me off the hook?
Joey: Hey, cheer up, there’s a bright side.
Jesse: What’s that?
Joey: I had nothing to do with it.
Stephanie: D.J., are you mad at me?
D.J.: Why would I be mad at you?
Stephanie: Because I– Oh, no reason.
D.J.: I’m not mad. I’m happy for you. Way to go, Steph. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some homework to do.
Stephanie: Is it okay to be happy?
Danny: Of course it is, sweetheart.
Stephanie: I got it! I got it!
Danny: Stephanie, for your sister’s sake, be happy a little quieter.
Stephanie: I got it.
In Michelle’s room
Joey: Michelle, are you sure you don’t want this? Are you sure? It’s so…juicy. So meaty. So saturated. So what?
Danny: Joey, you in there? Joey, we’ve been looking for you. Where you been? What are you saying?
Joey: What a beautiful baby.
Jesse: Where did the small fry get the french fry?
Joey: Must have been there for weeks.
Jesse: It’s still warm. And look at this. Oh, my goodness, it looks as though Michelle has toddled up to the drive-through window again.
Joey: All right, I’m weak, I’m weak! I’m not Mr. Willpower, I’m Mr. Cholesterol.
Danny: Joey. You went from all junk food to all….I don’t know what the hell you’ve been eating. There’s another choice here. Try moderation. More fruit. More fiber. Less fat.
Jesse: And we’ll help out. I’ll start by helping you eat this burger and fries. Thank you.
Danny: Come here, Michelle. Guys, look, I gotta get back to the station, okay? Listen to me. This is real important. Keep an eye on D.J. and Stephanie. Right now, they’re avoiding each other. But I have a feeling that’s only temporary, considering they share a bedroom.
Jesse: We’ll take care of it.
Joey: We got it.
Danny: Bye-bye, Michelle. And please, don’t ever go into acting
In the kitchen
Stephanie: “I love Oat Boats because Stephanie takes heaping spoonful of cereal. They taste great. She takes a bite.”
D.J.: Oh, I’m sorry. Go ahead. Rehearse.
Stephanie: “I love Oat Boats because Stephanie takes heaping spoon…” If I’m doing something wrong, will you help me?
D.J.: You didn’t need any help when you stole my part.
Stephanie: Are you sure you’re not mad at me?
D.J.: Don’t be silly. I’m glad I didn’t get it. You’ll miss a lot of school doing that commercial. And they’ll probably leave you back.
Stephanie: I think you’re jealous.
D.J.: Me? Jealous? But I am hungry.
Stephanie: Fine. You can have it.
D.J.: Give me that right now! Give me it!
Stephanie: No way, Jose!
D.J.: Give me it! You’re a thief!
Stephanie: You’re jealous!
D.J.: Give me that, Stephanie Judith!
Stephanie: No, Donna Jo Margaret!
D.J.: Why am I crawling?
Joey: Hey, you guys.
Jesse: Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Stephanie: She stole my cereal!
D.J.: She stole my part!
Joey: Well, we got that all out of our systems. Why don’t you two just give each other a nice kiss and make up.
Jesse: All right. Come here, you. Here. You take your Oat Boats and go practice in the living room, okay?
D.J.: Stephanie Judith.
Stephanie: Donna Jo Margaret.
Joey: D.J., why don’t you wait downstairs, and we’ll be down in a minute.
D.J.: But she–
In Joey‘s room
Joey: D.J., we need to talk.
D.J.: Let me save you a lot of trouble. You’re right, I’m wrong, and I don’t care.
Joey: Listen, D.J. Jesse and I strike out on auditions all the time. Being a performer is basically a series of rejections occasionally interrupted by work.
D.J.: Oh, yeah? Well, did either of you have a part stolen by your little sister?
Jesse: You know something? She’s r–D.J., you’re right. Stephanie stole that part right out from under you. In fact, she planned this whole thing. She tricked us into bringing her along, pretending that she cares about you.
Joey: The conniving little sneak.
Jesse: And then you fell into Stephanie’s fiendish little trap by doing a great audition.
Joey: The monster.
Jesse: Meanwhile, the sinister little Stephanie…used her telekinetic powers to send us out of the room so she could steal your commercial.
Joey: I say we light some torches, find the she-devil and drive her into the night!
D.J.: Okay, you guys were right. She didn’t do it on purpose. But I’m still mad at her.
Joey: All right. All right, kiddo. I wanna know what’s eating you.
Jesse: All right, pal. Come on, what’s the matter? Tell us.
D.J.: I don’t know. I’m so sick of sisters. Everything was just fine when it was just me. And then Stephanie came along, and everyone said she was so cute. Now everyone says Michelle is so cute. It’s so disgusting.
Joey: Was it so disgusting when you did the play and everyone thought you were so cute?
D.J.: No, that was fine. Until one of the so-cute sisters ruined everything again.
Jesse: Buddy. It’s tough being the oldest. But you can’t overlook the benefits. I mean, you get everything new. No hand-me-downs.
Joey: And you get to do everything first.
Jesse: That’s right. Date.
Jesse: You’re the first to be admitted to an R-rated picture.
Joey: Without a parent or legal guardian.
Jesse: But the best part is…you got two little sisters who need you…and look up to you…and love you very, very much.
Joey: So, what do you think? Should we light the torches…find the beast and drive her into the darkness?
D.J.: I guess not. But if we did, I’d still have one little sister left.
Joey: Double noogie!
In the living room
Stephanie: Hello, information? I need to talk to Mr. Boat. Mr. Oat Boat. I need to talk to Mr. Boat. I can’t do his commercial. His cereal is tearing my family apart.
D.J.: Steph, I need to talk to you.
Stephanie: My sister’s here. Can I put you on hold? Hello? Hello? How rude. I’m sorry I stole your part.
D.J.: You didn’t steal it on purpose. You didn’t know what you were doing.
Stephanie: That’s true. I never know what I’m doing.
D.J.: But you were right about one thing. I was a little jealous.
Stephanie: That’s okay. I’m always jealous of you.
Stephanie: That’s why I follow you around and bug you. I think you’re the smartest, prettiest, funnest girl I know. Except when you hate me.
D.J.: I don’t hate you. I was just mad at you. And someday I’ll probably be mad at you again.
Stephanie: Can you tell me when, so I can go visit Grandma?
D.J.: That was funny, Steph. I know the rule is you have to love your little sister…but even if you were some strange little kid who lived in my room…I’d love you anyways. You’re my best friend.
Stephanie: Really? I’m your best friend?
Stephanie: That works out great, because you’re mine. But do we really need Michelle?
D.J.: Yeah. You’ll like her better when she’s old enough to push around. Now, let’s work on that script.
Stephanie: Ladies first.
D.J.: Now, where it says here, “Stephanie takes heaping spoonful”…you don’t need to say that, you just do it.
Stephanie: Wow, this acting is tough. I wonder if Yogi Bear had this kind of trouble.