Becky: Well, Cynthia. It sounds like this year’s Festival of Cultural Arts is going to be the best yet.
Cynthia: Well, we certainly hope so. We’ll have opera, ballet and plenty of free parking.
Danny: Ha ha ha. Ah, how can I miss with someone like Cynthia Ryan in charge. Just look how she’s put together.
Cynthia: Excuse me?
Danny: Oh, I mean you put together this fabulous festival of culture. Not that you’re not put together because you are definitely…. Rebecca, tell me we’re out of time.
Becky: You’re in luck. We’re out of time.
Danny: Great. Well, I would like to thank our guest, Cynthia (Danny spills his drink on her) Oh gosh, I’m so sorry.
Becky: Well, while Danny blots our guest, I would just like to say I’m Rebecca Donaldson.
Danny: And I’m a total disgrace. See you Monday.
Becky: Right here on Wake Up San Francisco. (Show’s theme song plays, as Jesse walks in)
Jesse: Hey Beck. I fixed your car. I changed the oil, I changed the filter, and I changed the stations on the radio. You had two of them set to the news.
Cynthia: Danny, Rebecca, thanks for the plug. I’ll see you Monday night at the party.
Danny: Ah, Cynthia. Here’s an idea. Why don’t we, uh, go to the party together as a couple? Not as a serious couple, just a couple of people going to a party.
Cynthia: That sounds great.
Jesse: What’s the story on this party?
Becky: You’re invited too. It’s to kick off the Festival of Cultural Arts. It’ll be great. It’s going to be evening of Tennyson, Mozart, Shakespeare.
Jesse: Uh, Beck, you know me. I don’t like sitting around chitchatting about a bunch of dead guys.
Becky: Elvis is a dead guy.
Jesse: That’s never been proven.
Becky: Come on Jesse, it’ll be fun. You can meet my old English professor, Doctor Eric Trent. He’s fascinating. He can talk about Elizabethan poetry for hours.
Jesse: Oh, I’ll be scalping tickets for that one.
Becky: You know, Jess. It wouldn’t hurt you to meet some people who can talk about things besides rock n’ roll and motorcycles.
Jesse: Oh, that’s all you think I know about?
Becky: That’s not what I said.
Jesse: But that’s what you meant, Young Lady. Let me tell you something. I may have a little grease under my fingernails, but I can hold my own with any of the artsy-smartsy dudes.
Becky: Great, then you’ll come to the party. You’ll need a tuxedo. And you might want to start washing up now.
In the kitchen
DJ: Hey, Joey. What’s for dinner?
Joey: Thin strands of pasta with petite spears of beef in a light tomato sauce.
DJ and Stephanie: Spaghetti again?
Michelle: Mmm, basketti.
Joey: No, Michelle, that’s spaghetti.
Michelle: That what I said, basketti.
Stephanie: Want to play Michelle-a-phone?
DJ: What’s that?
Stephanie: It’s when you whisper something in Michelle’s ear and laugh when it comes out of her mouth. Watch. (She whispers in her ear)
Michelle: (To DJ) You got chicken legs.
DJ: Let me try that. (She whispers into Michelle’s ear)
Michelle: You’re a cheesehead. (Stephanie whispers back) How rude!
Carrying an abundance of books, Jesse walks in
Jesse: Hey Steph. Hi, Michelle. Hi, DJ. Hi, Joey. Bye, Joey. Bye, DJ. Bye, Michelle. Bye, Steph.
Joey:Uh, girls, I’ll be back. You keep an eye on the basketti.
In the living room
Joey: Jess, what are you doing with all the books?
Jesse: What? Can’t a man go to the library and check out a classical selection of literature for a weekend of good reading?
Joey: Who are you, and what did you do with Jesse?
Jesse: Well, Joey, I got roped into this cultural party thing this weekend. And you know, I never went to college so I figured I might as well bone up so I won’t look like a bonehead.
Joey: Jess This is great! I’m very proud of you. Pretty soon, you’re going to be smart. (Like the Scarecrow) So, you will not be just nothin’! Your heart all full of stuffin’! You’re heart all full of pain. (He whistles) With the thoughts you’ll be thinkin’ you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain! (Joey falls on the floor like Scarecrow)
Jesse: I’ll get you, (pointing to Comet) and your little dog too!
In the livingroom, Cynthia arrives to go with Danny to the party
Danny: I’d like to introduce you to my daughters. This is DJ
DJ: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Danny: That is Stephanie.
Stephanie: It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Danny: And this is my littlest, Michelle.
Michelle: Hiya, Cheesehead.
Cynthia: Cheese what?
Danny: Oh, oh, isn’t that cute? It’s her very first insult. Girls, you shouldn’t teach this kind of stuff to your sister. Now, when I get home from this party tonight, I want my sweet, little Michelle back to normal, okay?
Michelle: Okay, Chickenlegs.
In Jesse’s room, Jesse plays opera)
Stephanie: Please, turn it off. Here. It’s every penny I have.
Jesse: All right. All right
DJ and Stephanie sigh
Jesse: Becky got me going to this cultural party, and I want to look smart, you know. So I’ve been listening to opera, you know. Studying art. Look, I even put some posters up. I got Van Gogh, Monet, Sammay.
DJ: You read all those books in two days?
Jesse: No, but I read these Plato the Republic, Kafka The Metamorphoses, and Is That You Big Guy ? Sightings of Elvis.
Stephanie: And how are you going to read all these books before the party?
Jesse: Well, uh, see. I have this figured out. What we’re going to do here…I’ll just read the beginnings and ends of each book. A Tale of Two Cities. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It is far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known. Whoa, surprise ending. I can’t go through with this. I got to think of one good excuse not to go to this party.
In the living room, Jesse holds up a thermometer
Jesse: 102, wow.
Becky: Jess, you wouldn’t be trying to get out the party tonight, would you?
Jesse: No, no, no, no, no, no. I’ll go to the party tonight, and then I’ll go to the hospital tomorrow. I know what your saying. Jess don’t be a hero. Stay in bed. Actually, I better do that. Could you point me to my room?
Becky: Uh, Jess.
Eric walks in
Becky: Danny, Cynthia. This is Doctor Eric Trent. Eric was my favorite professor.
Eric: Ah, Rebecca was my favorite student.
Jesse: And Jesse’s her favorite boyfriend!. Hi, that’s me.
Becky: Well, we should be going.
Danny: (To Cynthia) I’ll get your coat. Right this way. This is a nice coat. There you go.
Becky: Goodnight, Jess. Oh I forgot. You’re sick. Feel better, Sweetheart. Eric, I will never forget that seminar you gave on the romantic poets. You were inspiring.
Eric: Well, I don’t remember the seminar, but I do remember you. (To Jesse) Jackie.
Jesse: Jesse, you….
Jesse: I’m going to that party.
In Jesse’s room
Jesse: (To Joey) You got to help me because I’m going to that party. I don’t want to look dumb in front of Becky. There’s going to be a room full of champions from Jeopardy!, and I’m from The Price Is Right.
Joey: Relax, Jess. I’ll help you out. I did more in college than goof off, chase girls and party. I was in a fraternity too. Now, let’s start with literature. Greatest novel ever written… you say, I consider a toss-up between War and Peace and Crime and Punishment.
Jesse: Oooh, the thickest ones. Very impressive. What else you got?
Joey: Well, if people are discussing classic cinema, you say, Citizen Kane is certainly in a class by itself.
Jesse: Citizen Kane. Oh, I saw that movie. The, uh, Fat Dude was in it, right?
Joey: Here’s a little intellectual hint Never refer to Mr. Welles as the Fat Dude.
Jesse: All right, okay. I’m feeling smart already. What else you got?
Joey: Shakespeare trivia.
Jesse: All right.
Joey: In all the original stage productions, the women’s parts were actually played by men.
Jesse: Oh, you mean like that weird show we saw in Vegas?
Joey: You might want to stay away from Shakespeare.
Jesse: Right. Well, I got to go. You’re sure all this stuff is going to get me through this party?
Joey: Well, if anything else comes up, just take your glasses and say, Interesting but terribly overrated.
Jesse: Thanks. I’ll try that. Okay. Interesting, but terribly overrated.
Joey: Congratulations, Jess. You are now a sophisticated intellectual.
Both: Yeah! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
At the party, a man dramatically reads a poem
Man: In the end, only the hunger, the hunger, the hungry, hungering hunger.
Applause; Danny blows something off Cynthia’s head
Cynthia: What are you doing?
Danny: You don’t want to know.
Jesse walks in, grinning
Jesse: Hello. Hi. How are you? Nice to see you all. Good evening. Hi. Evening. Evening. Enchanted. Hi. Nice to see you. Hi. Nice to see both of you. Becky, how very nice it is to see you. How are you? Professor Trent, charmed I’m sure.
Becky: Jess, Honey. I thought you were sick.
Jesse:Oh, the bacteria hasn’t been born that can keep me away from intellectual conversation.
Man: Pardon me.
Jesse: Oh, uh, my good man. We were just about to discuss the cinema.
Becky: We were?
Jesse: Yes. Wouldn’t you say that Citizen Kane was the finest film ever made?
Man: Absolutely. May I check your overcoat, Sir?
Jesse: Speaking of literature, wouldn’t you say the two finest books ever written would happen to be Crime and War and Peace and Punishment?
Eric: (Laughing) Well, I think you have transposed the titles of War and Peace and Crime and Punishment inadvertently.
Jesse: You see, you missed the joke. I transposed them quite vertentely.
Becky: Jess, can I talk to you?
Jesse: Excuse me, gents.
Becky:Jess, what are you doing?
Jesse: I’m chewing the fat with your egghead buddies. And let me tell you something. They dig me.
Eric: Has anybody seen the new Picasso exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art?
Jesse: Oh, I hardly doubt it’s worth the journey. I find Picasso to be interesting but (puts glasses in his mouth) terribly overrated.
Eric: You can’t be serious. Just consider Picasso’s Blue Period.
Jesse: Yeah, well, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I just think he should have used more colors.
Eric: Jesse>, I’m curious. Where did you go to college?
Jesse: Uh, uh, I went to college back East. Way back East. They’re out of business now.
Eric: I can see why.
Jesse: What’s that supposed to mean?
Eric: Which word didn’t you understand?
Jesse: I’ll tell you what word I didn’t understand.
Becky: Excuse us, Eric. (They walk away) Jesse, you are making a fool of yourself.
Jesse: Oh, and he’s a genius? Watch this. Do you.. yo, Brainwave. What’s the horsepower of a Harley Davidson Ultra 1340 CC?
Jesse: Lucky guess. Who wrote Houndog?
Eric: Lieber and Stoller.
Jesse: How tall is Sammy Davis, Junior.
Jesse: You wanna to arm wrestle?
Eric: Excuse me?
Jesse: You want to arm wrestle? You heard me. Right here and now.
Eric: That seems a trifle absurd.
Jesse: Why? Are you a trifle chicken?
Becky: Jesse Katsopolis, you are not arm wrestling at this party and that’s final.
Jesse: Yes, I am.
Eric: Haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough for one evening?
Jesse: The only guy who’s going to be embarrassed is you, Pal.
Eric: Well, I can see you’re not going to let this go.
Jesse: No, I’m not, Blondie.
Jesse: Hold this for me. Yo.
Danny: What’s going on?
Becky: Oh, nothing. Just the traditional Arm Wrestle to kick off Culture Week.
Danny: Maybe later we can all go down to the museum for the Big Tractor Pull.
They start wrestling, as musicians play instruments in the background
Danny: Get him, Jesse! Get him! I mean, uh, how incredibly barbaric.
Jesse: (Music irritates Jesse) Will you knock it off?!
Eric: You don’t know much about the principle of leverage. You see, my arm acts as the lever, my elbow, the fulcrum, Jackie.
Jesse: It’s Jesse! (He wins) You see that. I beat him.
Becky: Congratulations. You behaved like a total jerk. Excuse me.
Jesse: Oh, I’m a jerk.
Becky: Oh, please.
Jesse: Why don’t you just admit it? You think I’m stupid, don’t you?
Becky: Jesse, that makes absolutely no sense.
Jesse: Oh, so now I make no sense?
Becky: No. Now you’re being stupid.
Jesse: Well, let me tell you something. You think you’re so hot with your little, stuffy friends around here.
Becky: These are nice people.
Jesse: Okay, fine, fine. They’re nice people. You stay here with your nice people. But let me tell you something. You stay, and you talk about art, you talk about culture, you talk about Shake… let me tell you something about your pal, Shakespeare. Anybody who makes men dress up like women… that’s where I draw the line!
In the girls room
DJ: Okay, Michelle. Let’s try it again. Now, tell Stephanie she’s a very sweet girl.
Michelle: You’re a cheesehead. Ha ha ha ha. You’re not laughing.
DJ: We shouldn’t have taught you to say mean things because it can hurt other people’s feelings. I’ll tell you what. Before we go to bed, let’s all say something nice to each other. I’ll go first. I love you Michelle.
Michelle: I love you, DJ.
Stephanie: I love you too, Michelle.
Michelle: I love you, Stephi.
DJ: Oh, that’s my sweet, little sister. (They both kiss Michelle)
Michelle: I love you table. I love you chair.
DJ: That’s really good, Michelle. Why don’t you go in your room and tell all your furniture that you love it, and well be right there to tuck you in?
Michelle: I love you door. (Jesse: Right back at you, Kid.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse, are you sad?
Jesse: Yeah, I guess I’m a little sad, Kid.
Michelle hugs and kisses him
Jesse: Thank you, Michelle. I needed that. Listen, don’t grow up and be stupid like your Uncle Jesse, okay?
Jesse: I want you to be smart. I want you to go to college. I want you to learn every thing you can learn. Now, let me hear those ABCs I taught you. Okay, ready… go!
Michelle: (Singing) ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY AND Z. Next time won’t you sing with me?
Jesse: Yeah, next time I’ll sing with you. You’re very smart, Michelle.
Michelle: You’re smart too.
Jesse: Ah. If I was so smart I wouldn’t have blown it with Becky tonight. You know what I mean?
Michelle: I know.
Jesse: I should straighten this thing out with Becky, right?
Jesse: I should tell her exactly what’s in my heart, right?
Jesse: I should find a special way to do it, right?
Jesse: Thanks for the talk, Michelle. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t home tonight. I love you, Sweetheart.
Michelle: I love you, Cheesehead.
Jesse: Did she just call me Cheesehead?
Jesse plays the guitar and sings outside Becky’s window
Jesse: Tell me how it feels to know love is real. I still can’t believe my love for you is so strong. I belong to you, I belong to you, I belong to you, for all time. I belong to you.
Becky: Oh, Jess. That was beautiful.
Jesse: I wrote it for you tonight.
Becky: I loved it.
Jesse: Oh, Becky. (He walks near her and tries to kiss her)
Becky: Freeze, Romeo. About tonight?
Jesse: I’m sorry I embarrassed you. It’s just that it’s a whole side of your life that, that I’m not part of. Tonight, I felt that I wasn’t good enough for you. I can’t compete with all those smart people.
Becky: It’s not a competition.
Jesse: Yes it is. I’m afraid some guy who wrote a book or some guy who read a book’s gonna come around and sweep you off your feet. I don’t know if I’m smart enough for you.
Becky: How can you say that?
Jesse: Well, you know, I never went to college.
Becky: So what. Jesse, just because you missed out on some formal education doesn’t mean your not intelligent. Look at everything you’ve accomplished on your own. You’re a success in advertising. You wrote a beautiful love song for me in one night that touched my heart. And your smartest move yet was you picked me for your girlfriend.
Jesse: You know, when I was cramming for this party, I, I read a few of those books and they were pretty good, you know. Plato, a nice Greek kid. I think maybe I’ll, I’ll read some more, and maybe you and I can talk about it.
Becky:Okay, that’s great, Jess. Challenge yourself. Enrich your life. Do it for you, not for me. You never have to be anyone but the sweet, caring, sensitive lunatic I fell in love with. (They kiss)
Jesse: Uh, I have no choice. You leave me no choice. Have mercy!