In the living room
Joey: Okay, Michelle, I’ll bet you a kiss that I can make this little flower dance.
Michelle: No way, Jose.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well, watch this.
Michelle: Cool flower.
Joey: I don’t think he’s dancing.
Michelle: Hey, you, wake up.
Joey: I think maybe that one’s a wallflower.
Michelle: Dance. Go crazy.
Joey: You got it, dude.
D.J.: Kimmy, no way. With Tommy Fox? On the cheek or on the lips? On the lips? No way. No way.
Stephanie: A person is waiting for the phone.
D.J.: Tell me again. Where did he kiss her?
Stephanie: On the lips. Don’t you listen?
Danny: Deej, I need to use the phone.
Stephanie: Dad, no cutsies. I’ve been waiting 20 minutes. Get in line.
Joey: Deej, I gotta use the phone.
Danny: Hey, no cutsies. Get in line.
D.J.: They kissed for 12 seconds? Were their eyes opened or closed?
Joey: Hey, I gotta line up a place for our Friday night poker game. My buddy, Vic, came down with food poisoning. You know, it’s a good lesson for all of us: Never buy sushi from a vending machine.
Danny: No problem. Why don’t you play here. I’ll take Vic’s place.
Joey: You wanna have a poker game here in your palace of cleanliness?
Danny: Hey, Joey, I don’t always have to be neat. Watch this.
Joey: Danny, you pig.
D.J.: Their braces got stuck together? Ouch.
Stephanie: D.J., I’m not getting any younger.
D.J.: Kimmy, hold on, let me switch phones. I know, Stephanie’s a major pain. Will you hang this up when I get to my room?
Danny: Okay, but let’s wrap this up.
Stephanie: This is the major pain speaking. How rude!
Becky: Oh, honey, I had a wonderful afternoon. I loved our little picnic in the park.
Jesse: Oh, sweets, every day is a picnic with you.
Becky: Oh, honey, you’re so romantic.
Jesse: With you, how could I help but be romantic?
Joey: Please, I’m getting a cavity.
Jesse: Joseph, get used to it, man. It’s our new thing. We had our anniversary of the day we met and we promised no more fighting. Right, hon?
Becky: Right, baby. From now on, we’re gonna work everything out with good communication and understanding.
Becky: For instance, I suggested we make Christmas special and spend it in Nebraska with my relatives.
Jesse: To which I sweetly replied, “Babe, let’s spend it in Graceland with Elvis’ relatives.”
Becky: See? Now, in the old days, potential crisis.
Becky: But now, solving this problem will only bring us closer together.
Jesse: Oh, honey.
Kimmy: Whoa, baby! D.J., heavy lip action in your living room.
Danny: Kimmy, are you talking to D.J. upstairs?
Kimmy: Please, Mr. Tanner, this is a private conversation.
Danny: We gotta remember to keep this front door locked.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Kimmy: D.J., this is beyond incredible. Did you see this in person?
D.J.: No, but I saw the person, who saw it in person, say it to another person.
Danny: Girls, this has gotten way out of line.
D.J.: Dad, I’m talking to Kimmy on the phone.
Danny: In the same room. Everybody hang up right now, okay?
D.J.: Kimmy, I can’t talk to you right now, but I’ll call you back later.
Danny: There are five other people living in this house. You can’t monopolize the phone like this.
D.J.: Dad, I have the perfect solution. I should have my own private phone.
Kimmy: I’ve had my own phone for six months, Mr. T.
Danny: Don’t call me Mr. T. A phone costs a lot of money. There’s installation charges, a monthly bill–
Kimmy: To convert the phone in this room to a separate line, there’s only a one,time cost of $45. After that, a very reasonable monthly cost of $16.50. Not including state and local taxes.
D.J.: Go, Kimmy, go!
Kimmy: Plus nominal fees for call forwarding and call waiting.
Danny: I wish you had friend waiting. D.J., l am not just giving you your own phone.
D.J.: Well, I’ll pay for it. I can baby,sit like Kimmy does.
Danny: Well, okay, if you can earn enough money to pay for the phone yourself, I’ll consider letting you have one, okay?
Kimmy: She can take my job on Friday, baby,sitting Brian Kagan.
D.J.: Great! Dad, what would we do without Kimmy?
Danny: One can only dream.
In the kitchen
Joey: Steph, D.J.’s baby,sitting tonight so you’re in charge of putting Michelle to sleep.
Stephanie: Okay, Michelle. It’s time to put on your pajamas and go to bed.
Michelle: I’m not sleepy. See?
Stephanie: I have an idea. Let’s go upstairs and play Sleeping Beauty.
Michelle: How do you play that?
Stephanie: Well, you go to sleep, and that’s the beauty of it.
Michelle: I’m staying here.
Stephanie: If you go to sleep, I’ll give you a cookie.
Michelle: I already have one.
Stephanie: I’m coming in after you. Michelle, get back here. I don’t have time to play games. That’s it. You’re going to bed, young lady.
Michelle: Bye,bye, Joey. Bye,bye.
Danny: All right, let’s play poker!
Joey: Whoa, Danny. Pretty soon you’re gonna be drinking straight out of the milk carton.
Danny: Joey, I’m a slob, not a barbarian.
Jesse: Danny, these are my poker buddies, Steve and Paul.
Danny: How you doing? My friends call me “Dirty Dan.”
Jesse: Say, Dirt, where did you get those clothes from?
Danny: From the hamper.
Paul: Hey. Good dip.
Danny: Maybe later you’d like a handful of ice cream.
Steve: Anybody want a cigarette, speak up. These won’t last long.
Danny: Chain smoker. Radical.
Jesse: All right, fellas, let’s play a little Five,Card Nebraska, Becky’s wild.
Steve: Play what?
Jesse: Sorry. I’m having a problem with my girlfriend. She wants us to spend Christmas in Nebraska.
Paul: So tell her you don’t wanna go.
Joey: Jesse can’t do that. You see, he and Becky work things out with open and honest communication. You guys should see it. It really is cute.
Steve: You’re in a lot of trouble, buddy.
Steve: Tell her how you feel, openly and honestly?
Steve: Do you get your way?
Steve: Pack your long johns, pal.
Jesse: You’re going to Nebraska. I’m not. I went for Thanksgiving. This time she’s gonna do what I wanna do.
Joey: Hey, don’t tell us, tell her.
Jesse: I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her. I’ll just call her later.
Joey: Call now. Call now.
Danny, Joey, Steve and Paul: Call now. Call now! Call now! Call now!
Jesse: Yeah, Becky. Listen, it’s me. We’re going to Graceland this Christmas. End of discussion. Case closed.
Paul: All right!
Jesse: And another thing. Call me when you get this. Thanks. All right, boys! Let’s play a little poker!
In Brian’s house
Mrs. Kagan: Now, we like Brian to go to bed by 9 but sometimes his inner clock says 1O, so just go with his natural flow.
D.J.: So he goes to bed whenever he wants?
Mrs. Kagan: That’s the rule.
Mr. Kagan: Emergency numbers are posted on the Sub, Zero. If our stock broker calls, tell him he can fax the information directly to our BMW.
Mrs. Kagan: Brian, come say hello to D.J.
Brian: Hi, D.J. We’re going to have a lot of fun tonight.
D.J.: That’s what I’m here for.
Mrs. Kagan: Bye, Brian.
Mr. Kagan: Night, Bri.
D.J.: Bye, have fun at your costume party.
Mr. Kagan: We’re going to a Grateful Dead concert.
Mrs. Kagan: Stay mellow.
D.J.: Hi, Brian.
Brian: Hi, D.J. I hear it’s your first time baby, sitting.
D.J.: No, that’s not true. I baby,sit Michelle all the time.
Brian: Well, this will be different.
D.J.: Brian, let’s be friends, all right?
Brian: Give me half the money you’re making off me and maybe I’ll be your friend.
D.J.: Not a prayer. I’m saving up for my own phone. So would you like to play a nice, quiet game or would you like to go straight to sleep?
Brian: I’m a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and you are the evil Lord Krang from Dimension X! Now, kneel before me or I’ll ninyiutsu you!
D.J.: I’m not kneeling before you.
Brian: Wanna bet? Do what I say or I’ll smash this and say you did it.
D.J.: You wouldn’t dare.
Brian: Oh, no? Lucky catch, Lord Krang. This means war!
D.J.: Give me my purse back. Come here, you little mutant.
Brian: Do what I say, or your purse goes into the fish,tank.
D.J.: Forget it, Brian. I am not shaving my head.
Brian: Who’s that?
D.J.: I hope it’s the police. Who is it?
Kimmy: It’s me. Hi, Deej. How’s it going?
Brian: Oh, no! Not Kimmy Gobbler!
D.J.: He’s got my purse. What do I do?
Kimmy: Watch this. All right, chump. Drop the purse right now or I’m gonna kiss you. It’s not very flattering, but it works.
Brian: You haven’t seen the last of me.
D.J.: Kimmy, why didn’t you tell me this kid was a baby Godzilla?
Kimmy: Relax. Come on, I’ll show you where they hide the imported chocolates.
Brian: Prepare to die, slime burgers!
D.J.: Okay, that is it. I am through with playing games.
Brian: You’ll never catch me! Hey! Hey, I’m stuck. I can’t get out. Help!
D.J.: Kimmy, he’s really stuck.
Kimmy: Great. Let’s go watch TV.
D.J.: Stay calm. Kimmy, keep an eye on him. I’ll be right back.
Kimmy: Hey, Brian, wanna smell my feet?
D.J.: Kimmy, it won’t help if he passes out.
Brian: Help me!
D.J.: Good news, Brian. You’ll be able to slide right out of there as soon as we butter your head.
Brian: This will never work. You dumb girls.
Kimmy: I think we better butter his whole head.
Brian: This is disgusting!
D.J.: Okay, Brian. Now try to slide out nice and easy. But be careful.
Brian: It’s not working. Get me out of here!
D.J.: I’d better go call my Dad.
Kimmy: Don’t do that. If you admit that you can’t handle this job, you’re never gonna get your phone.
D.J.: But I don’t know what else to do.
Kimmy: Brian, I’m gonna go get my Dad’s chainsaw.
In the kitchen
Steve: Is my cigarette bothering you?
Danny: Oh, no, it’s a poker game. Your eyes are supposed to sting.
Steve: It’s my last cigarette of the evening.
Danny: What a shame. Oh, here’s a refreshing new smell.
Michelle: Hi, boys. What’s happening?
Jesse: Hey, Michelle, how you doing?
Stephanie: Dad, she won’t listen to me. Watch. Michelle, go to bed.
Jesse: Michelle, it’s time to go night-night. We’re all going sleepy. Right fellas? Come on. That’s right, Michelle, look. Fellas, sleepy.
Stephanie: See? Everybody’s sleeping.
Michelle: Where are their pajamas?
Stephanie: Under their clothes. Come on, let’s go.
Jesse: All right, coast is clear. Everybody up.
Steve: Okay, come on, come on.
Jesse: Joey. Joey!
Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. I dreamt l actually won a hand.
Danny: I got it.
Jesse: All right, guys, a little Five,Card Draw. Ante up, here.
Joey: Hey, who took my chips?
Jesse: Everybody took your chips.
Danny: Yeah, D.J. Yeah, I’ll be right there. I gotta go. My daughter’s having some baby,sitting problems.
Steve: Hey, could you pick me up a pouch of pipe tobacco?
Danny: Jess, I’ve been a pretty regular guy tonight, wouldn’t you say?
Jesse: Yes, actually, I’m quite proud of you.
Danny: In that case, there’s something I’d like to say before I go. You, sir, are a chimney. Not only are you ruining your health, you are ruining the health of innocent people around you. And you, sir. You should take a drive through a car wash without your car. It was nice meeting you both.
Becky: Hello, Jess.
Jesse: Hi, pumpkin. What are you doing here?
Becky: I got your sweet little message. Oh, and you must be the macho idiots I heard cheering in the background.
Steve: Gee, where did the time go?
Paul: Thanks for the game. Have fun in Nebraska.
Jesse: Get out.
Joey: If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the living room looking for change in the sofa. Toodles.
Becky: How dare you leave me a message like that. Whatever happened to communication and understanding?
Jesse: I’ve been trying to communicate but you’re just not understanding.
Becky: I will never understand why you wanna spend our holiday, standing in line to see a collection of oversized, sequined jumpsuits.
Jesse: Your beef’s with me, not the King.
Becky: All right, we have to figure this out.
Jesse: We’ve got this whole poker motif set up here why don’t we solve our little problem with a little game of poker. You do know how to play, don’t you?
Becky: I think I remember. The game is Five,Card Stud. Nothing wild, nothing cute. Just down and dirty poker.
Jesse: Want a cigar?
Becky: One down for you, one down for me.
Jesse: Let’s go.
Jesse: Queen, high.
Jesse: Pair of sevens. Looks like it’s gonna be a blue, blue, Christmas, baby.
Becky: Queen, no help.
Jesse: Nine, still looking fine.
Becky: Pair of sevens. We are tied, baby.
Jesse: So it’s all down to the last card now, isn’t it? Wait a minute. This is– This is silly. I mean, no matter what these cards say, there’s gonna be no winner. I don’t wanna take a grump to Graceland. It’s the happiest place on Earth.
Becky: Yeah, and I don’t want any bad attitude on that Christmas hayride.
Jesse: All right, all right. We got a new thing going here. Let’s make a little compromise. I’ll go to Nebraska with you for Christmas, if you go to Graceland for the Hunka, Hunka New Year’s Eve Fried Chicken Festival with me.
Becky: Okay, it’s a deal.
Jesse: All right.
Becky: You must have had a pretty bad card, huh?
Jesse: Yeah, a three.
Becky: Almost as bad as my two.
Jesse: I would have won!
In Brian’s house
Danny: Brian, sticking your head through these railings was a very dangerous thing to do. I’m gonna have you out in a minute, okay, so don’t move.
Brian: Where am I going?
D.J.: I’m sorry, Dad. I really blew it. I guess I’m not ready for baby,sitting, or my own phone, or anything.
Danny: It so happens I’m very proud of you.
D.J.: You are?
Brian: You are?
Danny: Yeah. D.J., sometimes when you’ve been in trouble before, you’ve tried to handle the situation yourself and you ended up making things worse. But tonight, you showed good judgment and you asked for help right away. That’s exactly what a good baby,sitter would do. Thanks, Dad.
Brian: Yoo,hoo. Remember me?
Danny: Sorry. Guess you’re wondering what’s going on here, huh? Well, your son stuck his head into the railings here. I’m gonna have him out in a second. Everything’s fine.
Danny: And you’re probably curious about the butter. Well, you had to be there.
Danny: Okay, there we go.
Brian: I’m free.
Mr. Kagan: Brian, you all right?
Brian: Yes, Dad.
Brian: D.J.’s my favorite baby-sitter.
Mrs. Kagan: We’ll talk about this later. Now, go get some bread and wipe off your head.
Mr. Kagan: Sorry about all the trouble, D.J. But we’d like to have you back Saturday at 7 if you’re available.
D.J.: Well, I don’t know. I need the money for my phone but….
Mr. & Mrs. Kagan: We’ll double the salary.
D.J.: Great. See you Saturday, 7 sharp.
Danny: Here you go.
Mr. Kagan: Oh, thank you.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: Dad, where are you?
Danny: I’m right here, Deej.
D.J.: How can you be calling me on the same line?
Danny: Maybe because I just called you on your very own phone number.
D.J.: I got a phone! I got a phone! Oh, thank you, Dad. You’re the greatest. What’s my new number?
D.J.: How do you know my number?
Stephanie: Dad told me this morning. I kept it a secret all day. I’m exhausted.
Danny: Remember, you can have the phone as long as you pay for it. I don’t want baby,sitting to take away from school.
D.J.: No problem.
Danny: Your own phone. My little girl is growing up. One day that phone’s gonna ring. It’s gonna be a boy calling. With any luck, it will be a dentist boy or a doctor boy. Then one day, that boy’s gonna come to me and he’s gonna say, “Mr. Tanner, sir, you have the most beautiful, most wonderful daughter in the whole world. You must be one heck of a dad.”
D.J.: Dad, sometimes you’re so corny, but you are one heck of a dad. My first phone call! But who has my number? Hello? It’s for you.
Stephanie: Thank you.
D.J.: I thought you kept my number a secret.
Stephanie: I did. From you. Hello? Hi, Walter. Yeah, you can reach me here, day or night. So how did school go today?