第52話「パパは名判事?」

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In Jesse’s bedroom

Jesse: Michelle, I’ll teach you a son. It’s before your time, but it’s extremely hip. It goes like this. One, two–
Michelle: How do you do that?
Jesse: Oh, you mean snap my fingers? Well, l use my middle finger, my thumb, and I put them together. It’s very, very cool but it’s kind of a grown,up thing. When I was your age I could barely walk.
Michelle: I’m cool.
Jesse: Show off. Okay, Michelle. Let’s do it. Let’s swing. Let it fly. Here we go. Oh, that shark, babe Has pretty teeth, dear Take it, Michelle!
Michelle: Jingle bell. jingle bell. jingle bell.
Jesse: If you’re gonna sing it, baby, you gots to swing it. Jingle bell. jingle bell Shake your tooshie.
Jesse & Michelle: Jingle bell. jingle bell

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: Boys, what do you wanna play? I’ve got dolls. I’ve got the Dream House. We could play dress up, maybe do a fashion makeover.
Walter & Jimmy: Yuck.
Jimmy: Let’s play guns.
Stephanie: Walter, Jimmy, please. Why are you men always fighting?
Walter: Actually, I’m a lover, not a fighter.
Stephanie: Let’s play guns. You can’t hurt me. This thing is bulletproof.
D.J.: Freeze, dweebs. Stephanie, what’s rule number one in this room?
Stephanie: Never touch your stuff.
Monica: Little sisters, what a pain.
Kimmy: Yeah, I’m glad my parents stopped having kids after me.
Stephanie: Gee, I wonder why.
D.J.: Okay, time for all puppet people to leave the room. Let’s go. We have very important things to discuss.
Stephanie: So do we. We have to discuss our costumes for the Halloween carnival. I’m gonna be Batman or Wonder Woman or Connie Chung.
Monica: You’re not going to that kiddie carnival at our old elementary school, are you?
Kimmy: Monica, D.J.’s coming with us to Kathy Santoni’s Halloween party.
Stephanie: But, D.J., you promised me you would go with me to the Halloween carnival. We go together every year.
D.J.: Yes, and I’ll always treasure those memories. I’m in junior high.
Stephanie: Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Walter & Jimmy: All right.
D.J.: If you children don’t mind, my friends and I have important things to discuss that are way over your head.
Stephanie: Like what?
Monica: Like guys.
Kimmy: Yeah. We’re gonna rate them on the Gibbler scale of studliness.
Stephanie: Well, you can rate all the guys you want. But while you’re talking about it, I’m living it.

In the yard

Joey: Okay, Michelle, zig right, zag left, go long and I’ll hit you.
Michelle: Got it, dude.
Joey: Okay, Michelle. Hike me the ball when I say, “Boo.” Bippity, boppity, boo.
Michelle: Now what?
Joey: Catch.
Michelle: Now what?
Joey: Run for a touch down. Michelle runs through the defense and scores! Touchdown! Spike it. Yeah. Okay, do the Michelle shuffle.
Jesse: Underwear a little tight, boys?
Joey: We were playing football with Michelle.
Jesse: You two against Michelle? My money’s on the kid.
Danny: I was a high jumper on the high school track team.
Joey: And I got a letter in football and basketball.
Danny: That’s because you were the school mascot, “Ollie, the Fighting Oyster.”
Jesse: You were “Ollie, the Fighting Oyster?”
Joey: Okay, tough guy. What team were you on in high school?
Jesse: Come on, Beck, let’s get dinner started.
Becky: Wait a minute, Jess. What team were you on?
Danny: He wasn’t on a team.
Jesse: I was too. I was on a team.
Danny: Jess.
Jesse: Sort of.
Danny: Jess?
Jesse: Okay, but it was a group thing.
Danny: Jesse?
Jesse: Okay, I was in the Glee Club, you happy?
Becky: Sorry.
Jesse: I could take you chumps in any sport, anytime.
Danny: Right.
Joey: Sing me to death.
Jesse: Think about it. Look at the facts: 30, something, 20, something. Hard body. Lard body.
Danny: All right, Mr. Universe. I challenge you to some kind of manly athletic event.
Jesse: You’re on.
Joey: Count me in.
Becky: I have a great idea. How about a race?
Danny: Perfect. Tomorrow at the track, 8 a.m. A quarter,mile for all the glory.
Jesse: I’ll be there.
Joey: I’ll be there.
Becky: I will definitely be there.

In the living room

D.J.: Dad!
Stephanie: Dad!
D.J.: Your friends have to leave.
Stephanie: No! Yours.
D.J.: Tell Stephanie her friends have to get out of my room.
Stephanie: D.J. and her friends have to get out of my room.
D.J.: I’m older.
Stephanie: I’m younger.
D.J.: I’m taller.
Stephanie: I’m shorter.
D.J.: I’m smarter.
Stephanie: I’m…not falling for that.
Danny: Girls, cool it. I want you both to apologize and give each other a hug right now.
Stephanie: D.J. promised she would go with me to the Halloween carnival.
D.J.: I never promised!
Stephanie: You said you’d go!
D.J.: So I changed my mind.
Stephanie: You can’t do that.
D.J.: Yes, I can.
Stephanie: No, you can’t.
Danny: That’s enough! Look, I want all of your friends to leave, and I want you both in your room right now. No music, no phone, no television. You’re not coming out until you get along. You understand?
D.J. & Stephanie: Yes, Dad.
D.J.: You’re in trouble.
Stephanie: No.
Danny: And I don’t wanna hear arguing.
D.J.: It’s all your fault.
Stephanie: No.

In the kitchen

Joey: Yes. You snails don’t stand a chance tomorrow.
Jesse: You took one jog around the block?
Joey: Actually, I haven’t run yet. I’m just really excited I found my stop watch.
Danny: All I need to win is a Tanner health shake and you wimps as my competition.
Jesse: Pretty tough talk coming from the cover,boy to Geek Illustreted.
Joey: Geek Illustrated.
Danny: I say we put a bet on this race.
Jesse: Bet? You got it, pal. You name it, and I’ll claim it.
Joey: Okay, you puny girlie, men…hear me now, think about it later. Tomorrow is the school Halloween carnival. I say that the losers have to wear whatever costumes that the winner picks.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: So, Mr. Bear, when do you think D.J. will come to her senses and apologize?
D.J.: When that bear answers you out loud.
Stephanie: On behalf of Mr. Bear, how rude.
D.J.: Must you “glug” your milk?
Stephanie: Does it bother you?
D.J.: Yes.
Stephanie: Then I must.
D.J.: Look, I cannot take this anymore. Let’s just pretend to make up, and then Dad’ll be happy.
Stephanie: Great idea.
D.J.: Let me do the talking. I’m smarter than you.
Stephanie: If you were so smart, you would’ve thought of this three hours ago.
Danny: Can I come in, girls?
D.J.: Just a minute. Get over here and start laughing. Sure. Come in, Dad.
Danny: Oh, now this sounds better. You two have a little talk?
D.J.: Yeah. We decided to chill and get along.
Stephanie: Right.
Danny: Did you hug yet?
D.J.: We were saving that for you. Come here, little sis.
Stephanie: I’m coming, big sis.
Danny: Thanks for waiting. Okay, your punishment’s over. I’m off to the gym to get pumped for the big race. See you later, girls.
D.J.: Bye, Dad.
Stephanie: Bye, Dad. Well, thank goodness I have another sister, a good sister.
D.J.: So, go live with her.
Stephanie: Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll get a divorce from you.
D.J.: You want a divorce? You got it.
Stephanie: Fine. Then I’ll go tell Michelle I’m moving in with her.
D.J.: And I’ll go call Kimmy and tell her I have my own room.
Stephanie: Not so fast. Half of everything in this room is mine.

In Michelle’s bedroom

Stephanie: In my old room, D.J. was the big sister. But in this room, I’m the big sister. So there are only two words you need to know: “Okay, boss.”
Michelle: Okay, boss.
Stephanie: Oh, this is gonna be so sweet.
Jesse: Just came in to say– Good golly, Miss Molly, what’s your bed doing in here?
Stephanie: I decided it was time for D.J. to have her own room.
Jesse: I don’t know how much she paid you, but give that money back.
Stephanie: It was my idea.
Jesse: It’s fine with me. But I’ll have a chat with your Dad when he gets home. Good night. Good night.
Stephanie: Good night, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Now you girls get some sleep.
Michelle: Okay, boss.
Jesse: I’m the boss?
Michelle: She’s the boss.
Stephanie: Where do these kids get this stuff?
Jesse: Go to sleep, munchkins.
Michelle: Good night, boss.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

D.J.: Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: I see you’re not missing Stephanie too badly.
D.J.: Stephanie who?

In Michelle’s bedroom

Stephanie: Michelle, did you just hit me on the head?
Michelle: Who, me?
Stephanie: Go back to sleep.
Michelle: I’m the boss. I’m the boss, I’m the boss, I’m the boss.
Stephanie: I’m in trouble.
Michelle: I’m the boss, I’m the boss.

In the track

Joey: Out goes the bad air, in comes the good. Out goes the bad air, in comes the good.
Jesse: Joey, you want a jelly roll? Scratch that, you already got one.
Becky: Hi, guys.
Danny: Becky, what’s our crew doing here?
Becky: Well, Danny, I know how you love my little surprises.
Danny: I never love your little surprises.
Becky: Roll tape.
A stuff: Rolling.
Becky: Okay, all you lucky viewers of Weke Up, Sen Frencico, we have a special treat for you, a rare glimpse into the athletic, macho,jock side of Danny Tanner.
Danny: I am running a friendly little race here with my buddies. It’s just once around the track, and it’s not worth getting a whole segment.
Becky: Oh, I think it is. Okay, get that camera car into position.
Danny: Camera car? Gentlemen, to the starting line.
Jesse: Let’s do it, boys. This is it. This is it.
Danny: I got this.
Jesse: Wait.
Danny: Look, guys, you gotta let me win. I can’t lose on my own show.
Joey: I can’t let you win. Remember, the losers wear costumes to Stephanie’s Halloween carnival. I already got yours picked out. Big Bird, meet Snuffleupagus.
Becky: On your mark
Jesse: Here we go.
Becky: Get set…go! And they’re off. Danny is off to a lightning start. Boy, if he continues at this pace he could break the world record. He’s moving. He’s moving.
Danny: What are you doing here? I gotta win this race.
Jesse: Then I suggest you run faster than us.
Becky: Oh, now he looks like the Danny Tanner I know.
Jesse: You guys aren’t getting tired, are you?
Joey: No, not at all.
Danny: Not me.
Jesse: Me either.
Becky: For those of you who think you’re watching a slow,motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed.
Danny: Guys, let’s all cross the finish line together. That way, everybody saves face.
Joey: Fine with me.
Jesse: To stop this pain in my side, I’m all for it.
Becky: They’re neck and neck and neck. Come on, you turtles!
Jesse: That’s my girlfriend calling me a turtle. Sorry, Danny.
Joey: I’m not losing this bet. I already rented costumes.
Danny: It’s my show. I gotta win.
Becky: Hey, it looks like we’ve got a race! And here they come. It’s gonna be a photo finish. Gentlemen, any comments? I think what they’re trying to say is, “We should’ve run a shorter race.” Oh, and here comes the picture. And the winner is…Danny Tanner by a nose! Danny, to what do you attribute that last surge of power?
Danny: Fear of public humiliation. And to my worthy opponents, all I can say now is: “Trick or treat, boys!”
Becky: That’s a wrap. And a nap.

In the living room

Danny: Hey, Deej.
D.J.: Hey, what happened?
Danny: I won the race.
D.J.: All right!
Joey: Not all of him won. Just his nose.
Stephanie: What a night.
Jesse: You look trashed.
Stephanie: That’s because living with Michelle is a nightmare on Sesame Street. Dad, I want my room back.
D.J.: No way. It was so wonderful waking up to the birds chirping instead of you blowing your nose.
Danny: Girls, what happened to that beautiful hug last night?
Stephanie: It was a fake hug.
Danny: A fake hug? In my house?
Stephanie: It was D.J.’s idea.
D.J.: You little weasel.
Stephanie: I want my room back.
D.J.: So take me to court.
Stephanie: I will! I’ll take you to People’s Court.
Danny: Wait a minute. We don’t need Judge Wapner. We have Judge Tanner. Now here’s an idea: We’ll have our own court here in our living room to decide who is living with who.
Jesse: Great. Joey and I will be the lawyers.
Danny: That is a great idea. Mr. Katsopolis represents Stephanie, and Mr. Gladstone represents D.J. I expect you to tell the whole truth. All right, court is now in session. Defense, please call your first witness.
Joey: Your Honor, I call Donna Jo Tanner to the stand, please. Donna Jo, please tell the court why you no longer wish to share your room with your perky little sister.
Jesse: Objection, Your Honor. Please instruct counsel not to characterize the plaintiff.
Joey: How do you know all that junk?
Jesse: I love those lawyer shows.
Danny: D.J., please tell the court what your problem is with Stephanie.
D.J.: It’s simple. She’s in elementary school, I’m in junior high. We have nothing in common. And I really need my privacy to make phone calls, to put on makeup. But every time I turn around, there she is. There must be five or six of her.
Joey: Thank you, Donna Jo. Your witness, counsel.
Jesse: Ms. Tanner, you have just stated on the record that you have nothing in common with my client. But isn’t it true that Wednesday last you were found playing Barbie dolls with young Stephanie?
D.J.: Well, there’s nothing else to do. It was raining and,,
Jesse: No further questions, Your Honor. I’d like to call Stephanie Judith Tanner to the stand.
Stephanie: I can’t live with Michelle. I’ll go nuts.
Jesse: Please wait for the question.
Stephanie: Sorwrwy.
Jesse: So why can’t you live with Michelle?
Stephanie: I’ll go nuts!
Jesse: No further questions.
Danny: I have a question. Why did you move out in the first place?
Stephanie: Because I can’t live with D.J at least not this D.J. I miss the old D.J., the one who used to like me.
D.J.: Steph, it’s not that I don’t like you. I’d like you better if you were in a different room.
Danny: Well, that is just not gonna happen. Michelle is still very young, and I don’t want her to have a roommate right now. Stephanie, you have to realize that D.J. is becoming a young woman. Things aren’t gonna be exactly the way they were. You have to understand that.
Stephanie: Okay.
Danny: D.J., you have to understand that Stephanie is still your roommate. So you have to find some way to get along with her.
D.J.: Okay.
Jesse: Girls, I realize this five,year age difference seems like a lot now but before you know it, it won’t mean a thing.
Joey: You know some day, girls, you’ll realize how lucky you are to have one another.
Joey: Okay, let’s move Stephanie’s stuff back into her room. Let’s go.
Jesse: Can’t we play more lawyer?

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: So, Mr. Bear, do you think anyone else will be dressed as Batman this year?
D.J.: Boy I’m gonna get tired of doing this laugh all night.
Stephanie: Well, have fun at your party.
D.J.: Why are you moping around? You love the carnival.
Stephanie: Yeah, but it’s gonna be my first carnival without you.
D.J.: I don’t get it. Why do you wanna hang out with me so much?
Stephanie: Well, the truth is, I like to hang out with you because I wanna be just like you. You’re smart and pretty and really cool. Wouldn’t you wanna hang out with you?
D.J.: Can’t argue with any of that. Well, I guess some times I like hanging out with you too.
Stephanie: Really? How come?
D.J.: Well, you’re a little nutty, but you always make me laugh and you have definite cool,potential. Tell you what, I’ll go to that Halloween carnival with you and I’ll go to my party later.
Stephanie: Really? Thanks, D.J.
D.J.: Hold that hug. I don’t want a roommate. But, since I have to have one, I guess couldn’t think of anyone better.
Stephanie: Two nice things in a row! Now?
D.J.: Now.
Danny: Batman hugging the Joker. Now this is how the movie should have ended. Michelle! You are the cutest kitten in town. Guys, we don’t wanna be late for the kids’ Halloween carnival.
Joey: Oh, yes, we do! Yuk it up all you want, Danny. There’s one thing we forgot to tell you:
Jesse: We’re your dates.
Jesse & Joey: (singing)On the good ship lollipop




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