第51話「我が家の新入り」

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In the kitchen

Danny: Michelle, you wanna help Daddy separate the laundry?
Michelle: I’m not busy.
Danny: Okay, everything red, green, yellow, or bright color goes in this pile and everything white goes in this pile. You got it?
Michelle: Got it, dude. White. Green. Red.
Danny: Oh, no, Michelle. No food in the laundry.
Michelle: I’m sorry.
Danny: Oh, no, honey, it’s not your fault. Daddy didn’t explain it right. I was a bad boy.
Michelle: Go to your room.
Danny: Okay, but will you come with me?
Michelle: I’m not busy.

In the yard

Joey: Hi, Michelle. Oh, isn’t that nice? Your doggy said hello.
Michelle: No, that was me.
Jesse: Danny, you’re not driving me to the DMV. You drive like an old lady. I’m taking my motorcycle.
Danny: Oh, no. you’re not. Your driver’s license expired two months ago.
Jesse: So I forgot to renew. I can get away with one more drive to the DMV.
Danny: Jesse, the law is the law. Don’t make me take away your keys.
Jesse: I hope you never get any real power.
Danny: Michelle, keep an eye on Joey for me.
Joey: Look at this, Michelle. “Psychic hit by lightning.” Boy, if he was any good, he would have seen that coming. Michelle, did you eat my peanut butter sandwich?
Michelle: Doggy ate it.
Joey: Now, you know that’s not true. Where did you hide it?
Michelle: The doggy ate it.
Joey: Now, I know the doggy didn’t eat it because I can see inside his tummy.
Michelle: Joey.
Joey: Whoa! There’s a dog in our yard.
Michelle: I told you so.
Joey: Hey there, little guy. What are you doing here? Like the dog’s gonna answer me. Are you friendly? Oh, that’s sweet. Oh, that’s wet. Oh, that’s enough. Your tag says you’ve had all your shots, and your name is Minnie.
Michelle: Hi, Minnie.
Joey: Can you shake hands? Look.
Stephanie: There’s a dog in our yard. We got a dog ! We got a dog! It is our dog, isn’t it? It’s in our yard, so it must be our dog. We got a dog!
Joey: Steph, Minnie is not our dog. Her tag says she’s from Ohio?
Stephanie: Where’s Ohio?
Joey: Well, it’s up the street, about 2000 miles.
Stephanie: And she came all this way just to live with us. Well, it was worth the trip. You’re gonna love it here. Come on, Minnie, I’ll show you around.
Joey: Steph….

In the kitchen

Stephanie: Come on in, Minnie. But wipe your feet first. Dad is gonna love you. This is the kitchen. We’ll set an extra plate for you tonight. Come on, I’ll show you your new room.
Joey: Steph, Steph, we gotta talk.
Stephanie: This is my sister Michelle’s room. This is the bathroom. In case you need it. No, Minnie, that’s Uncle Jesse’s room.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Stephanie: Minnie, that is not a good place to hang out.
Joey: I’ll be right back, Michelle. Steph, what is the dog doing on Jesse’s bed?
Stephanie: Joey, she’s come 2000 miles. Her feet are tired.
D.J.: Hi, I’m back from school. I’m going over to Kimmy’s. That’s a dog, right?
Stephanie: This is our new dog, Minnie. She’s from Ohio.
D.J.: Come here, girl. Hi, Minnie. Oh, look, she loves to hug. She’s a Tanner already.
Joey: Girls, I love the dog as much as you do, but we can’t keep her.
Stephanie: How can you say this? Don’t you want a dog?
Joey: Of course I do. I’ve wanted a dog my whole life but this dog already has an owner.
D.J.: But if the owner doesn’t want her, we can keep her, right?
Joey: Well, personally, I would love that, but your dad may feel differently.
Stephanie: Then let’s not tell him.
D.J.: What are you gonna do? Put a dress on her, and pretend she’s a new friend from school?
Stephanie: Works for me. Come on, let’s all take a nap together.

In the kitchen

Danny: Hey, Joey. What are you doing with the bowl of water?
Joey: I’m very thirsty. Did you get your license?
Jesse: Do not ask me about my written test, capisci?
Joey: Cepici. So, Danny, what happened with Jesse’s written test?
Danny: Well, he got his name right and most of his address.
Jesse: Why such idiotic questions? Nobody knows how far you’re supposed to park from a railroad track.
Danny & Joey: Seven and a half feet.
Jesse: Okay, two people know. I’ve gotta go back tomorrow and ace that test. I can’t believe I failed.
Joey: How’d you pass the test the last time?
Jesse: Well, I might’ve accidentally caught a glimpse of my neighbor’s paper. This time, they passed out different tests to everyone. It’s like they don’t trust us or something.
Danny: I don’t get it. I drive the freeways. They give every idiot in the world a driver’s license.
Joey: Not every idiot.
Jesse: Look at this. I’m taking lip from a guy who still chews Flinstones vitamins.
D.J.: Joey, what did Dad say about you know who?
Joey: I haven’t talked to him yet.
D.J. & Stephanie: Bye.
Danny: Hold it. Okay, what’s going on, and how much is it gonna cost me?
Stephanie: You know, Dad, we’ve been thinking. What we need around here is someone from…maybe, Ohio.
Danny: Well, maybe we do need someone from Ohio but I’d like to hear more about this before I go and order one.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Jesse: Michelle, I know you’re in there. Come on out, Michelle. Okay, young lady, I’m gonna come in there and get you. I’m gonna come in and get you. What are you doing here? Where did you come from? A likely story. Get out!

In Michelle’s bedroom

Michelle: Hey! You better fix it.
Jesse: Where are you, you mangy mutt?
Michelle: Trouble. Go under the bed. Hurry!
Jesse: All right, dog. I know you’re in here. Come out with your paws up.
Michelle: No doggy here.
Jesse: Then who just went:
Michelle: I went:
Jesse: I don’t think so.
Michelle: Who’s this?
Jesse: Michelle, you told a lie.
Michelle: Yes, I did.
Jesse: Sweetheart, it’s not very nice to tell lies.
Michelle: I’m sorry. I love the doggy.
Jesse: Well, I don’t.
Michelle: Doggy, come back.
Jesse: Michelle, we don’t want a dog living in the house.
Michelle: Yes, we do.
Jesse: No, we don’t.
Michelle: Yes, we do.
Jesse: No, we don’t.
Michelle: Yes, we do.
Jesse: My leopard underwear! That’s why we don’t. That’s my favorite pair!
Michelle: Run doggy, run doggy!

In the living room

D.J.: And another thing about our friend is her name is Minnie. Isn’t that a nice name, Dad?
Danny: That’s a lovely name. Is your new friend a mouse?
D.J.: No, but you’re getting warmer.
Stephanie: Daddy, we’d like you to meet Minnie.
Danny: We’ve met.
D.J.: Look, Dad. Minnie’s crazy about you. She loves to hug. This is your kind of dog.
Danny: My kind of dog is on a bun with mustard.
Stephanie: Joey said if nobody wants her, we can keep her.
Danny: Why on earth would Joey say that without talking to me first, Joey?
Joey: Well, she wandered into the backyard, we shared a sandwich and, well, look at that face. She’s so cute.
Jesse: Sure, she’s cute to you. You don’t have doggy slobber all over your pillow. Danny, get rid of the mutt.
Stephanie: Can’t we keep Minnie, please?
D.J.: Please?
Joey: Please?
Danny: People, don’t be fooled by that look of innocence. Underneath is a jungle beast thinking : “Here’s a nice clean house that I can totally destroy.” Trust me. That thing is gonna track mud in the house, chew everything up and they’re very difficult to house train.
D.J.: So was Michelle, but we kept her.
Danny: I’m sorry, but I do not want a dog in this house.
Jesse: That’s right. And what Danny says, goes. He’s the boss and that’s the way things work. When did I become your faithful sidekick?
Stephanie: Something’s wrong with Minnie.
D.J.: Her tummy’s fat and she’s panting heavy. Kimmy’s dog acted the same way, right before she had puppies.
Danny: She’s gonna have puppies? In my living room?
Stephanie: I’m going to be an aunt! Yes!
D.J.: I’ll go call Kimmy.
Danny: I don’t know what….
Joey: This dog is in labor.
Jesse: Danny, do something.
Danny: Why me?
Jesse: You’re the only one who had kids.
Danny: Not in the living room.
Michelle: Hey, what’s going on?
Stephanie: Minnie’s having puppies!
Danny: No!
D.J.: Thank you, Mrs. Gibbler. Okay, Kimmy’s mom told me what we need. Dad, here’s the number of the Gibbler’s vet. Joey, you go find something for Minnie to have her puppies in. Stephanie, you and I will go get blankets and newspapers.
Jesse: And I’ll go study for my driving test.
Joey: What’s that have to do with Minnie?
Jesse: If I don’t pass that test, I’ll need her puppies to pull my sled around town.

In the kitchen

D.J.: What are you doing?
Jesse: Studying for my driver’s test.
D.J.: Is this how you studied last time?
Jesse: No, this time I got the book. I feel like I’m in high school again. I was never any good at studying for tests.
D.J.: Probably because of the way you study.
Jesse: What’s wrong with the way I study?
D.J.: Nothing, if you’re taking a test on sink drumming. First of all, no music. No music? And no food. No chicken? And finally, sit in the chair with this book.
Jesse: There’s nothing left to do but study.
D.J.: See, you re getting smarter already.
Joey: You guys missed it!
D.J.: What? Minnie had her puppies?
Joey: No, she sat up in her box and went “Where’s my water?”
Jesse: Get out!
D.J.: When something real happens, let me know. Come on, I’ll help you learn this stuff. Thanks. That’s very nice of you.
Jesse: Hey, you need your license and I need a ride to the mall tomorrow.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Danny: Puppy update. I called the animal shelter. Nobody reported Minnie lost yet, but we’ll keep trying to find her owner.
Stephanie: Daddy, how did Minnie make her puppies?
Danny: Well, sweetheart, I was hoping you’d ask me that. Remember when we talked about how it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby?
Stephanie: Yeah.
Danny: Well, it takes a mommy dog and a daddy dog to make a puppy dog.
Stephanie: Oh. Thanks.
Danny: I’m always happy to answer your questions.
Stephanie: Good, because I have another one.
Danny: Oh, goody gumdrops.
Stephanie: How do you think Minnie met her husband?
Danny: I like that question. Steph, some time ago in a far away land called Ohio, Minnie was taking a little walk by the fire station. And the fire house dog, Arnie, he took one look at Minnie and he went “Bow wow wow.” It was love at first sniff. Then on one special day, Arnie got down on three knees and he said, “Minnie, marry me. You make my tail wag.”
Stephanie: That was so romantic. Daddy, how do you know all this stuff?
Danny: Well, I’m your dad, so I know everything. And what I don’t know, I make up.
Stephanie: I thought so.

In the living room

Joey: Well, it looks like Minnie found a Lamaze coach. Hey, everybody, I think something’s gonna happen.
Jesse: What’s going on?
D.J.: What?
Jesse: Get in the box. Get in the box. Not you. You better not be going where I think you’re going. Stop ! Heel ! Sit!

In Jesse’s bedroom

Jesse: Not on my bed, huh? Danny, do something about this.
Danny: This is not my fault. Joey let the dog in the house and got the girls all worked up.
Joey: Hey, if you weren’t such a neat freak, we would’ve already had a dog that would’ve chased this dog away.
D.J.: We’ll clean up after Minnie. You’ll never know she’s here.
Jesse: I’ll know she’s here. She’s having puppies on my bed.
Stephanie: You don’t know how lucky you are.
Jesse: Puppies on my bed!
D.J.: Wait, wait, stop. Here comes a puppy.
Michelle: Whoa, baby!
Jesse: This is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened in my bed.
Stephanie: Look, she’s cleaning off the puppy. How does she know what to do?
Joey: It’s part of nature, Steph.
D.J.: Nature is so awesome.
Jesse: I can’t believe we were just fighting about Minnie having puppies. This is so beautiful. It makes you think about what’s important in life, doesn’t it?
Joey: Yeah, like being able to share this moment with people you really love.
D.J.: This is so incredible. Yesterday these puppies weren’t even here, and now they are. And seeing them being born. It’s like watching a miracle.
Danny: I’m so glad you girls could see this. Now maybe you can understand how I felt the day each of you was born. My three little miracles.
Jesse: How cute.
D.J.: It’s so little.
Joey: Yeah, they’re tiny.
Jesse: Why’d
Danny: you pick my bed? Can you watch the drooling, please?

In the living room

Danny: Oh, man, I’ve got enough fur in this thing to build another dog.
Joey: Minnie’s owner just showed up.
Danny: He’s here. I’m sorry, girls. It’s time to bring in the troops.
Joey: Come on, Minnie.
D.J.: Here we go, puppies.
Joey: Okay. Okay. We got bachelor number one. Bachelor number two. Bachelor number three is right here. Bachelor number four.
Jesse: Look what I just found in my bed. A four-legged ankle-biter.
Frank: Hi, I’m Frank Flood. Minnie! Minnie. Oh, Minnie. Come over here. Give me a kiss. Thank you for taking such good care of Minnie and her puppies. She was really lucky to find such nice people.
Danny: Well, we were lucky to find such a sweet dog. She sheds like crazy, but I guess that’s not really her fault. Truth is, if you hadn’t come to claim her, we would’ve kept them all.
Frank: Oh, I can’t wait to get those little guys home.
Stephanie: I’ll never, ever, ever, ever forget you.
Jesse: Frank, would you mind if I drove the girls over once in a while to visit the puppies.
Frank: I’ll tell you what. How would you like to keep one of Minnie’s puppies?
Stephanie: Would we? Could we?
D.J.: Yeah, Dad, can we?
Danny: You guys know how I feel about dogs.
D.J.: You just said you wouldn’t mind keeping all of them.
Danny: Well, that was when I thought the dogs were leaving.
Stephanie: We promise we’ll take care of it.
Joey: Come on, Danny. I’ve wanted a dog my whole life. Oh, look at that face.
Jesse: Danny, be strong. Think dirt.
Danny: I can’t help it, I’m wimping. Look at that face. All right, we can have a puppy.
D.J.: Thank you.
Stephanie: Hooray.
D.J.: Michelle, you pick the puppy.
Michelle: I love this puppy!
Jesse: The one that likes my bed?
Danny: Here’s a new addition.
Frank: Thanks.
Danny: You’re welcome. Thank you for coming.
Frank: Thanks for all your help.
Danny: It was our pleasure.
Joey: You got one?
Michelle: Yeah, I got one.
Joey: Okay. Go, baby. Okay.




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