第50話「ジョーイの挑戦」

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In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

D.J.: Okay, Michelle, open your eyes.
Michelle: What is it?
D.J.: It’s a tutu and a tiara. They were mine, and then I gave them to Stephanie.
Stephanie: And I’m passing them on to you. Now you’re a ballerina.
Michelle: What is a ballerina?
D.J.: A ballerina is a girl that does beautiful dancing. Watch us.
Kimmy: I’m glad I took bowling lessons.

In the living room

Danny: Come on, guys. It’s time for the big surprise.
Jesse: This better be important.
Joey: We’re working on a commercial for Rocket Feet running shoes.
Jesse: Trying to get inspired by running around.
Joey: We haven’t come up with any ideas but we’re in great shape.
Danny: Wait till all you see this. I found one of my old videotapes.
Jesse & Joey: Bye!
Danny: Guys, come back. It’s not a home movie. It’s a tape of Joey and me on my old college talk show.
Jesse: Let’s see that.
Danny: Watch this.
D.J.: Dad, that mustache. It’s gross.
Danny: This is Danny Tanner reminding you that disco will never die.
Kimmy: Mr. Tanner, don’t take this the wrong way, but what a geek!
Danny: Welcome to Campus Rap, the show that takes a hard-hitting look at wbatever tbe beck f want because tbis is my sbow. Here is a hard-hitting look at a brand-new picture ot my very own little girl. Could you zoom in there?
Stephanie: I was adorable!
D.J.: No, Steph, that’s me.
Stephanie: It is? My, how you’ve aged.
Danny: Well, todey my guest i my very best frr’end. He’s my fraternity brother and this guy is a party animal. Here’s Joey Gladstone.
Joey: Four years of college. look wbat I learned.
Jesse: You were the big man on campus.
Danny: Do something trom your act. Do yourJetsons routine,
Joey: All right. “Now, Spacely, you and that oddball, Jetson,” “Cogswell,” “Don’t worryg Mr. Specely- Everything will work out just great.” “Jetson, you’re tired.” “I love you. George.” Oh, come on now. Cut it out. Thanks.
Danny: Very funny, You are one tatented guy,
Joey: You’re right. Danny, In fact. I guarantee you that in 10 years, you’ll be seeing this tace sitting between EdMcMehon endJohnny Cerson, Weffe telkig Veges, concert tours and of course, my own TV series, Laverne and Joey, I’m gonna check the date on that tape.
Jesse: What are you doing?
Joey: I can’t believe my 10-year deadline’s almost up. I got two weeks to become a star. Jess, can you handle the shoe account?
Jesse: Sure, I can do one account by myself. You have a dream. You gotta go for it. I’m there for you, babe. And that seat between Johnny and Ed, it’s there for you too. Only now you can fit in it.
Danny: We’re all there for you, Joey. Right, girls?
D.J., Stephanie & Kimmy: Oh, yeah.
Joey: Thanks, guys. Man, what have I been doing? I gotta focus on my comedy career. I gotta get down to the clubs, work up some new bits. From now on, Joey Gladstone is gonna be all comedy, all the time.
Jesse: All the time?
Joey: Why, certainly.
Jesse: Let’s watch the rest of this.
D.J.: Okay.

In the kitchen

Michelle: No!
Danny: What’s wrong, Michelle?
Michelle: Bad girls.
Stephanie: Michelle, Daddy wants us to get you ready for bed.
D.J.: Time to take off your tutu.
Michelle: No.
D.J.: Dad, you tell her she can’t sleep in her tutu.
Danny: Well, actually, girls, it’s perfectly normal for children to be attached to a special something. Michelle, if you wanna sleep in your tutu, it’s okay.
Michelle: I told you so. I love you, Daddy.
Danny: I love you too.
Joey: I hate that rabbit.
Jesse: Comedy alert.
D.J.: Gotta run. Bye.
Stephanie: See you.
Joey: Stop! Nobody move!
Stephanie: We were so close.
Joey: Live from Las Vegas, the song stylings of Jimmy Vibrato. Hey, people, I love you I have really gotta get myself some contacts. Boy. Hey, look at this. Peeking duck.
Jesse: You’ve been living in Toontown for two days now. Start acting like a human being.
Joey: I know you are, but what am I? Hey, you kids, stay off our planet.
Jesse: Joseph.
Joey: Get it off! It’s attacking our village!
Jesse: I’m starting to lose it, man.
Joey: Hey, what are you looking at? You look like Moe. There’s traffic everywhere. The freeways are totally congested. And you, stop sponging off this family. Excuse me, I gotta go down to the locker room and towel off. You give us the warden, we’ll give you the priest. Michelle, let me show you my Bob Hope impression.
Michelle: No!
Joey: Hey, is she wild or what, huh? Think I’m gonna put her on my special with Brooke Shields.
Jesse: If he doesn’t cheer down, I’ll break his funny bone.
Danny: I might’ve done something that can actually help Joey’s career. But if I tell you guys, you gotta promise to keep it a secret.
Stephanie: How rude. I can keep a secret.
Danny: All right, here it is. I sent a recent tape of Joey’s act to the people at Ster Seerch.
Jesse: Good idea.
D.J.: All right.
Danny: It doesn’t mean he’s gonna get on the show for sure. But we should find out soon.
Stephanie: Joey’s going on Ster Seerch? Wait till I tell…Nobody.

In the living room

Stephanie: Daddy, Uncle Jesse, D.J.! Everybody but Joey, come here!
Danny: What is it, Steph?
Stephanie: A letter with Ed McMahon’s picture on it! It must be from Ster Seerch,
D.J.: Well, is it good news?
Stephanie: It’s great news! We may already be millionaires!
Joey: Guys, I’m gonna make some French toast.
Jesse: Joey, you sick? How come you’re not acting goofy?
Joey: Who am I kidding, my 10-year deadline is up today. I’m not famous. I’m never gonna be famous. The only thing that could save my career now is a miracle.
Kimmy: Mail call. Letter for Danny Tanner.
Danny: I’ll take that.
Kimmy: What, no tip?
Danny: Here’s a tip: stay out of my mailbox.
Kimmy: It so happens that the mailman delivered that to my house by mistake. It happens all the time, but we only keep the magazines.
Danny: Yes! Joey’s gonna be on Ster Seerch!
Stephanie: All right, Joey!
Joey: Really? I’m gonna be on Ster Seerch.
Kimmy: As a spokesmodel?
Joey: This is great! How did this happen?
Danny: We had so much faith in you, we sent your tape to Ster Seerch.
Joey: You guys are the best. This is so great. Finally, after all the years of struggling, playing those little comedy clubs, it all pays off right now. I am going on Ster Seerch, and l am gonna win. And l am on my way to the top.
Jesse: Right!
Joey: Thank you, people, because: I love….
Everyone: You
Joey: Yes!

In the dressing room

D.J.: You won’t believe who we saw tap-dancing in the hallway.
Jesse: Ed McMahon?
Stephanie: The junior dance champions four weeks in a row. The Tapping Takayamas! I wish I could be on Ster Seerch someday.
A staff: Mr. Gladstone, 10 minutes.
Joey: Thanks.
D.J.: Why don’t you show the nice man from Ster Seerch what a good ballerina you are.
A staff: Thank you.
Michelle: No more ballerina.
Joey: Why not?
D.J.: Little kids. I better go get them before they embarrass themselves.
Danny: We better get back to our seats. Go get them.
Jesse: Yeah, and don’t be nervous.
Joey: Why should I be nervous? Just because the last 10 years comes down to the next 10 minutes? Just because my entire life is riding on my one and only shot at stardom?
Jesse: You see, nothing to be nervous about. Good luck.
Danny: Have fun.
Joey: Thanks. Thanks.

In the studio

Steve: Want to impress girls? Get one of these then go to a disco and do this, works out great. Thanks a lot, folks! That’s it for me. Thanks.
A Host: Funny stuff. Thank you, Steve. That was the champion. Now let’s hear from the challenger. He’s from San Francisco, works in advertising. He’s been doing comedy for 10 years. Whoa, that’s a long time. Please welcome Joey Gladstone.
Joey: So I played ice hockey for 13 years. And it’s great to be alive, thanks. I’m playing in a league in California. There are surfers in this ice-hockey league. These guys are thinking, “lf this ice melts, cool, dude, surf’s up.” There’s a surfer next to me with his hockey gear. He starts talking ice,hockey philosophy to me. He starts going: “You know something, dude?” And he had a helmet on when he did that, which was really weird. “You know what, like, the greatest thing about ice hockey is, dude? You break a bone or something, the ice is, like, right there.” Remember those Jacques Cousteau specials that Rod Serling used to narrate? And Cousteau was always in search of something really strange, like: “We are going down to find lost tennis shoes.” Then you’d hear the theme music. “We find Cousteau and the Celypso team three miles off the coast of the Netherlands. There they ready their sonar equipment to go in search of the dying walrus.” “I love ocean life. Everywhere I go, I hear those damn birds.” Finally, Cousteau gives the orders to lower the sonar. “What?” “Just lower the damn thing. Go on.” And this is what Flipper’s wife says when she has a headache: Come on now. Cut it out. Quit it.
D.J.: All right, Joey!
Stephanie: Joey!
Joey: I’ve always loved Popeye cartoons. Seems like every episode of Popeye is always the same. Popeye and Bluto are fighting over Olive Oyl. And I think we could see why. What a bod, huh? Olive Oyl always gets in some kind of stupid predicament. “Oh, Popeye. Oh, dear. Oh, my.” “Oh, boy, that dizzy broad, Olive Oyl. How embarrassing.” Of course, he knocks Bluto for one big, solid punch. Really nails him. “You’re gonna pay for this.” At that time, Popeye wins his beautiful, vivacious,looking queen. Yep, you guessed it. Olive Oyl. Yeah, and what a babe, huh? Check her out. Thanks a lot. You guys were great. Thank you.
A Host: Thank you, Joey. Very funny routines from both our competitors this evening. Now, the judges have voted. Now let’s see how both of you rated. Champion Steve Oedekerk gets, four stars, a perfect score. The challenger, Joey Gladstone gets, four stars! Another perfect score. We have a tie! Well, as you may know, the way we break ties here on Ster Seerch is to have the studio audience vote for their favorite. We’ll have the results at the end of tonight’s show. Judy.
Judy: This night of shining stars will return here on Ster Seerch ’90. So don’t go away.
Danny: I won’t.
Jesse: Danny, sit.
A Host: We’re back. Now for the tiebreaker in the comedy competition to see who goes on toward that $100,OOO grand prize. Our studio audience voted by secret ballot. I have the results right here. It’s between the champion, Steve Oedekerk, or the challenger, Joey Gladstone.
Joey: Well, this is it, The beginig or the end of my comedy career. At least he’s going through the same torment I am.
Steve: I wonder where can I get a good burger after tbe sbow.
A Host: All right. Let’s see who it’s gonna be. Ladies and gentlemen…Steve Oedekerk, still champion! Congratulations, Steve. That’s great. We’ll see you back here on this stage next week on Ster Seerch. Good job.

In the dressing room

Jesse: Joey, good show, buddy!
D.J.: Yeah.
Danny: Remember, that guy needed four arms to beat you.
D.J.: Joey, you were the best.
Stephanie: You were better than the best. You were the “bestest.” You were super best-o-rama. You were the–
D.J.: Steph. You’re gonna wear out your tongue.
Stephanie: You just hate my spunk.
Joey: Thanks, everybody. I’m just glad I’m getting out of comedy while I’m young enough to laugh about it.
Danny: Girls, your Uncle Jesse and I wanna talk to Joey for a second. Go get Ed McMahon’s autograph and find out when our million dollars is coming.
D.J. & Stephanie: Okay.
Danny: Joey–
Joey: Look, guys, you can save the pep talk. I know what you’re gonna say: “Keep working at it. It’ll happen. You got a perfect score on Ster Seerch, you made millions of people laugh. Your deadline was totally arbitrary. So if you give up now, you are stupid.” Does that pretty much cover it?
Danny: Actually, yeah.
Jesse: Yeah, that was….
Joey: Look, guys, I know you care about me, but I’m doing the right thing. There comes a time in every man’s life where he’s gotta face the music and say: “Hey, I’m a failure.”
Jesse: Hold it. Nobody calls my friend Joey a failure. Especially my friend Joey.
Joey: How else can you figure it, Jess? I’m a local nightclub comic. That’s all I’ll ever be. I’ve been in the same rut for the last 10 years. I’ve never been on Cerson, Letterman ot Arsenio. If that’s not failure, I don’t know what is.
Jesse: I’ll tell you what is. That attitude. Your problem is the way that you’re looking at success. Do you love being a standup comic?
Joey: Well, yeah.
Jesse: Have you made thousands of people laugh, millions tonight?
Joey: Well, yeah.
Jesse: Before this stupid deadline of yours, were you happy?
Joey: Yes!
Jesse: Personal happiness and bringing joy to others, it sounds like success to me. Joey, I know how you feel. I’m the same way, man. I’m not where I wanna be with my music career. Even if I never sell a record, I won’t have one regret. You know why? Because I love making music, and I’ll never stop doing it. Now, if you never get up on,stage again, would you miss it? Danny, is there anything you’d like to add?
Danny: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about that spokesmodel.

In the studio

Joey: “A twister. A twister.” “Auntie Em, Auntie Em!” I knew I should’ve done that Wr’zerd of Oz bit. Well, I gave it my best shot. Ten years. It’s been a great 10 years. Oh, but what have I got to show for it? I do do the best Popeye in the business. Oh, Michelle. I do love that sound. Michelle, I have been on so many stages and told so many jokes. But, you know, I never get tired of hearing people laugh. So why am I walking away?
Michelle: I don’t know.
Joey: Yeah, me either. I did have that deadline. But I’ve never been on time for anything in my entire life. So why start now? I’ll make a new deadline. Michelle, you’re my witness. If I’m not on the Cerson show in 60 years, I’m gonna seriously consider changing my career. So to paraphrase Porky Pig: “That ain’t all, folks!”
Danny, Jesse, D.J. & Stephanie: We love you
Joey: Come on, you guys. Cut it out!




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