第49話「パパも親の子」

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In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Michelle: Stephie, help.
Stephanie: Tie your shoes again? This is getting old. You are gonna learn to tie your shoes all by yourself, okay?
Michelle: All right.
Stephanie: Now, pay very close attention. First, the rabbit crosses the stream. Like that. And then, he goes over the log and around the tree and through the hole and voili, you’ve got rabbit ears. Now, can you get the other one tied?
Michelle: No problem. Joey, help.
Stephanie: Kids today. They have it way too easy.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Michelle: Good morning. Look alive.
Jesse: Michelle, it’s too early to be alive. What do you want?
Michelle: Grandma comes today.
Jesse: Yes, Grandma comes today. Thanks for the bulletin. Now go back in your crib and go to– Who let you out of your crib?
Michelle: I let me out.
Jesse: You climbed over the bars and jumped down by yourself?
Michelle: You got it, dude.
Jesse: Jailbreak! Danny! Michelle, come here. Come here. Now, you know how it works in this house. If you wanna get out, stay there and scream until someone lets you out, capeesh?
Michelle: No capeesh. I’m a big girl.
Danny: It’s Saturday morning.
Jesse: Don’t tell me. Tell her. She climbed out of her crib all by herself.
Danny: You did? You know what this means, you little spider baby? You are ready for your very own big-girl bed.
Jesse: Your very own big-girl bed. Big-girl five. All right!
D.J.: Hey, Dad, Grandma’s cab just pulled up.

In the living room

Danny: Grandma’s here early. Let’s go.
Michelle: Granny Tanny.
Jesse: I’m coming, Claire.
Danny: Be right there, Mom.
D.J.: Here he comes.
Stephanie: It’s your grandma.
Joey: Boy, this family does everything together.
Claire: Here’s Granny.
D.J.: Grandma, hi!
Claire: Kiss me, you fools!
D.J.: Hi, Grandma.
Jesse: Hi. Claire. Good to see you.
Joey: Let me get your bags.
Claire: My baby.
Danny: My mommy.
Claire: Oh, look, I got lipstick,, Here, let me get that, honey. Stand still.
Danny: Okay, Mom.
Claire: I couldn’t wait to get here. I am so pumped. Well, look at this. Who is this big girl right here?
Michelle: Michelle Tanner.
Claire: You’re way too big to be Michelle Tanner.
Michelle: It’s me. It’s my nose.
Stephanie: Grandma, come sit over here.
Claire: Okay.
Stephanie: We’ve got a big surprise for you. Daddy, can I give her the present now?
Danny: Well, after that, it would be cruel not to.
D.J.: Here, Grandma.
Claire: Oh, you didn’t have to get me anything. Exciting. A paint set.
Danny: In honor of your retirement after 30 years in the stationary, supply business.
Joey: Happy golden years, Claire.
D.J.: All right.
Claire: Golden years, huh? Oh, boy.
D.J.: What’s the matter? You don’t like your gift?
Claire: Oh, no, my sweetheart. I love it. It’s beautiful. I’m gonna take it down to the park and paint pictures of other retired people who are painting pictures of me.
Danny: I knew we should’ve bought perfume.
Claire: Honey, no. I’m sorry. It’s just that now that I’m divorced and my kids have grown up and I’m retired, my life went from “get up and go” to “why get up.”
Danny: Oh, don’t worry, Mom. You’re gonna find something fun to do with your time.

In the kitchen

Claire: I’ve got a little batter left. Who wants more pancakes? Well, that is music to a grandmother’s ears. No, no, sit down, everybody. Sit, sit. I’m gonna do the dishes.
Danny: Mom, we’ll do the dishes. Why don’t you take Michelle upstairs and settle in.
Claire: It is so nice to feel wanted. Okay, come on, my sweet angel. Here we go. The rest of you guys hang tight because lunch is not far away.
Jesse: All right, come on, everybody. Let’s clean the dishes.
Danny: Guys, do me a favor. Stop cleaning. Just let this mess sit right here.
D.J.: Dad, are you feeling okay?
Danny: Yes. Did you see how my mom was cheered up? She loves taking care of us. I say we spend the weekend trying to make her feel like we really need her. Like we can’t get along without her.
D.J.: But we really can.
Danny: But we’ll make it look like we can’t.
Stephanie: You want us to lie? Daddy, I’m shocked.
Danny: No, honey, I don’t want you to lie. I want you to make believe. Let’s all make believe we’re just too busy to cook, clean and take care of you girls.
Stephanie: I don’t get it.
D.J.: Let me see if I get it. In order to help Grandma, you want us to make believe we can’t clean our room?
Danny: Exactly.
Stephanie: I still don’t get–
D.J.: Make believe you get it.
Jesse: If it’ll help you and your mom, I’m happy to do what I can. Come on, let’s trash the living room.
Joey: Yeah, let’s trash it real good.
Danny: Guys, please, trash it neatly.
Jesse & Joey: Right.
Claire: Danny, I have never seen you leave a mess this long.
Danny: You know how it is. Jesse and Joey gotta work, and I’ve got errands to run. And, well, you know, sometimes it’s hard to keep up.
Stephanie: Yeah, wait till you see how messy our room’s gonna be.
D.J.: Isn’t she an airhead?
Claire: Go on. Do what you have to. I’m gonna clean the house this morning. And then I’ll spend the afternoon with my granddaughters.
Danny: Oh, you are the best, Mom.
Claire: Thanks, hon.
Danny: Oh, Mom, one more thing. I gotta pick out a new bed for Michelle. You got any ideas?
Claire: Yes. Let me pick it out.
Danny: You’re the boss.
Claire: You are the best boy.
Danny: You are the best mom.
Claire: No, you are.
Danny: You are.
Claire: No, I love you.
Danny: I love you.
Claire: Not as much as I love you.
Danny: I love you more.
Claire: I bet you don’t.
Danny: I do too.

In Michelle’s bedroom

Claire: We’re back from the zoo.
Stephanie: Thanks, Grandma. I thought I had fun before, but now I know how much fun fun can really be.
Claire: Oh, you silly thing. My pleasure, honey. Oh, good, they delivered the bed. It looks terrific.
Danny: Oh, and it’s a great choice, Mom.
Claire: Thanks, hon.
Joey: No one picks out a pencil bed quite like you, Claire.
Jesse: It’s got that grandma touch.
Claire: Well, let’s hope Michelle likes it. D.J., bring her in.
Michelle: My big,girl bed.
Jesse: You little jumping bean. Give your grandma a kiss for buying you a new trampoline.
Michelle: Thank you, Granny Tanny.
Claire: I am in grandma heaven. Come on, you guys. I am gonna cook you such a dinner, you’re gonna think it is Thanksgiving.
Jesse: All right, little munchkin, you enjoy your new bed but no more jumping up and down, okay?
Michelle: Okay, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: All right.
Michelle: Hello.
Jesse: Were you jumping up and down on the bed, young lady?
Michelle: Who, me?
Jesse: The truth. Or I’m gonna tickle it out of you. Come here, you!

In the kitchen

Claire: Here you go.
Stephanie: Good. I can’t remember when I had a meal with so much delicious food.
Claire: Sweetheart.
D.J.: I can. It was lunch.
Claire: How do you like your Brussels sprouts?
Danny: Oh, Mom, steamed to perfection. As usual. Here, you eat it, Michelle.
Claire: Did you write any commercials today?
Jesse: Yes.
Joey: No.
Jesse: No.
Joey: Yes.
Jesse: Claire, we couldn’t have done anything without you.
Danny: Thanks, honey. Hey, I’m glad to help out. If you want me to stay a little longer, I’m available.
Joey: Hey, that’s a great idea. I mean, why rush back home?
Jesse: Yeah, hang. You’re making our life a breeze, Claire.
Jesse & Joey: Claire.
Danny: The guys are right. I don’t know how we’ve survived without you.
Claire: You really mean it?
Everyone: Yeah.
Danny: We love having you here.
D.J.: Of course.
Claire: Well, if you guys really need me that much, I guess the only logical thing would be for me to move in.
Danny: Move in? Here?
Claire: Yeah, sure. Honey, that would be– Listen, Joey and Jesse, you guys are young and you’re single. And you’ve devoted two years of your lives raising this family. Now, here’s your big opportunity. You can move out and get on with your own lives. Because Grandma is moving in for good.
Stephanie: Grandma, are you really moving in?
Claire: Yes.
D.J.: Guys, are you really moving out?
Jesse & Joey: No.
Jesse: Claire, this is my family now. I don’t want these girls growing up without me.
Joey: Or me. I can’t leave. I was just chosen to be Stephanie’s Honey Bee Hive mother.
Claire: Well, listen, that’s even better. Oh, Jesse, you know what, you move downstairs with Joey and we’ll get you guys bunk beds.
Joey: Yes, bunk beds!
Claire: What do you think, Danny, huh?
Danny: Well, I think bunk beds make a lot of sense.
Claire: Come on, my little angel, come on. I gotta get you ready for your new bed.
Michelle: My new bed. Come on, Granny Tanny.
Claire: Here I come, I’m gonna catch you.
Joey: Hey, I got dibs on the top bunk.
Jesse: We’re not getting any bunk beds. What are we gonna do?
Danny: Hey, nobody panic. It’s just a little misunderstanding. We may have done too good a job of making my mom feel needed.
Joey: That’s what we get for lying to her.
Stephanie: So I was right. We were lying. Shame on us.
Joey: No, we’re innocent. It’s your father who put this whole scam together. Danny, you gotta tell your mother that we really don’t need her.
Danny: Oh, man. That would break her heart.
Jesse: What, are you afraid to tell your mom the truth?
Danny: Hey, don’t worry. I can be honest with my mom. I was wondering where those Brussels sprouts went to.

In Michelle’s bedroom

Jesse: Okay, Michelle, there we go. Lean back. There.
Danny: Why don’t you just bubble-pack her?
Jesse: Danny, I’m sorry, but she’s little and she’s round. And she rolls easy. I say we build kind of a fence thing around here.
Danny: You mean, like a crib?
Jesse: We had one of those already, didn’t we? We’ll put them on the floor, just in case.
Danny: You are always thinking.
Jesse: There we go.
Danny: Good night. I love you.
Jesse: Good night, Michelle. All right, Danny. Go talk to your mother now.
Danny: Okay.
Jesse: All right. Michelle, did you say something?
Michelle: I want my crib.
Danny: Michelle, cribs are for babies. You’re a big girl now. You see, the trick to a new bed is, you gotta break it in, you know? You gotta get the feel of it. All right, first, let’s check the shocks, okay? Here we go. Ready? Now, that baby’s got a good ride. Okay, and next, and most importantly, you gotta find the sweet spot. The sweet spot is the place that makes you feel all nice and cozy and cuddly. Get out. Let me find it. Okay, all right, let me see. Let me see. That’s it, I found it. Okay, you ready? Come on, let’s see if you can get it. Here we go. Ready? There we go. There, you’re right in the sweet spot. You’re gonna sleep like a baby. I mean, like a big girl. Good night, little ankle biter.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Yeah.
Michelle: Are you leaving me?
Jesse: No, I wouldn’t leave you on your first night in your new bed. I was just going to turn off the lights. And find a good book. And read it in the dark.
Michelle: Thank you.
Jesse: It’s no problem. I’ve been meaning to catch up on The Bunnyg the Ducky. the Turtte and the Frog.
Michelle: I love you.
Jesse: Right back at you, kid.

In the kitchen

Danny: Hey, pal, let me give you a hand with those.
Joey: You wouldn’t perchance be down here avoiding your mother, would you?
Danny: Joey, I can’t go up there and tell her that I lied to her. She’d be so disappointed in me.
Joey: If you’re nervous about telling her we really don’t need her, start off with a small confession. Tell her how much you hate her Brussels sprouts.
Danny: I could never tell her that.
Joey: Danny, this is pathetic. Now, pretend I’m your mother. My baby. Oh, kiss me, you fool! Let me get that. Danny, I’m gonna buy all your friends bunk beds. Is there anything you wanna say to me?
Danny: Yes, Mom. I hate Brussels sprouts.
Joey: Oh, why don’t you just put a knife through my heart?
Danny: That is exactly what she’s gonna say.
Joey: So what if she does? It’s time to stop acting like a little kid who’s trying to make his mommy happy.
Danny: I guess you’re right.
Joey: Of course I’m right. Now go up there and tell her the truth, man to mom. And don’t forget, you’re the man.
Danny: Thanks, Joey.
Joey: You got it, pal. Oh, he’s such a good boy.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Danny: What you doing, Mom?
Claire: Figuring out how to fit six rooms of furniture in here.
Danny: Mom, I’ve got something to tell you.
Claire: What’s wrong?
Danny: Mom, what I gotta tell you is, I hate Brussels sprouts. There, I’ve said it, and now you know.
Claire: Don’t you ever scare me like that again. Who cares if you don’t like Brussels sprouts? We can have eggplant.
Danny: What I’m trying to tell you is all my life, I’ve been pretending to like Brussels sprouts just to make you happy.
Claire: That’s crazy. I don’t like Brussels sprouts either. I keep cooking them because you keep telling me you love them.
Danny: How could anybody love a vegetable that smells like feet?
Claire: Danny, you didn’t come up here to talk about vegetables. What’s the problem?
Danny: This is so hard. Mom, I don’t wanna disappoint you.
Claire: Oh, honey, you’ve never disappointed me in your entire life.
Danny: Stay tuned. When I saw how upset you were about your retirement, I asked everybody to kind of pretend that we really needed you here.
Claire: You lied to me?
Danny: I’m dirt and I’m scum and I should be sent to a reform school.
Claire: I feel so stupid. I thought everybody really needed me here. Why did you do that to me?
Danny: Because I was trying to please you. I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect son.
Claire: Honey, you’re not perfect. But I will always love you no matter what you do. And l am very proud of the man you turned out to be. Which I can take just a little bit of credit for.
Danny: Thanks, Mom. So you forgive me?
Claire: Of course I forgive you, honey. I mean, l understand. It’s just that I’m simply not needed here.
Danny: Well, not as a live,in maid. But the girls could sure use a grandmother in the neighborhood.
Claire: You really mean that?
Danny: I’ve been trying to get you to move down here for years. There’s nothing keeping you in Seattle.
Claire: No.
Danny: We’ll go apartment hunting tomorrow.
Claire: Oh, I like that. Oh, you are a wonderful son.
Danny: You’re a wonderful mom.
Claire: Oh, you are the best, honey.
Danny: You’re the best.
Claire: You’re the best. When did you get so tall?
Danny: I’ve always been this tall. I’ve been pretending to be shorter because I wanted to make you happy.
Claire: You are the best.
Danny: Oh, you’re the best.
Claire: No, you are.
Danny: You’re the best.
Claire: No, you.
Danny: You’re the best.
Claire: You are the best.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: D.J., do you remember when I was sleeping in a crib?
D.J.: Yeah. Life was so easy when you were behind bars.
Danny: Good news, girls. Grandma’s gonna move into an apartment in the neighborhood.
D.J.: Really? That’s great.
Stephanie: Wonderful.
D.J.: So is everything okay between you two?
Danny: Everything is great. I never have to eat Brussels sprouts again. I want you guys to know that I was wrong asking you to lie, even though I was trying to make Grandma feel better.
Stephanie: Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
Danny: Oh, I did. You know, if you ever do things to try and make me feel better, I’d much rather you just tell me the truth. Okay?
D.J. & Stephanie: Okay.
Danny: Okay, thanks. Good night.
D.J.: Good night, Dad. Oh, wait, Dad, just a minute. I thought of something.
Danny: Already?
D.J.: Yeah, I don’t really love cleaning as much as you think I do.
Stephanie: Neither do I.
Danny: You don’t?
D.J.: No. Especially scrubbing the grout in the shower. It’s incredibly, totally disgusting.
Danny: Well, it is an acquired taste.
Stephanie: And l only asked Santa for a Dustbuster because I knew you’d be proud of me. I can’t believe he actually brought me one.
Danny: A Dustbuster is a very practical gift.
D.J.: Dad, then you made me….




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