In the living room
Michelle: Car broken.
Joey: Car broken? Well, let’s check it out, see what we got here. Yeah, it’s broken all right. Okay, well, this is loose. We’ll— We’ll tighten that up, and this needs a little oil. Okay, we’ll try it again.
Michelle: Let’s go driving.
Joey: Wait a minute, lady. You forgot to pay your bill.
Joey: Here’s your change.
In Joey’s bedroom
Jesse: Let’s try that Pounds Away Diet Center jingle one more time. But this time, I got a little addition. Okay? Here we go. Everybody got their parts? One, two–
Michelle: Buckle my shoes.
Jesse: No, Michelle. Like we practiced, okay? When I point to you, you do your part. Got it, babe?
Michelle: Got it, dude. Here we go. One, two, one, two, three.
Song: Well, she got her deddy’s cer And she cruised right by The hamburger stand now It she loses weight She’tt took reatty great She threw away the milkshake And the doughnuts that she had In her hand now It she loses weight She’tt took reatty great When she looked i the mir She drove to Pounds A wey As fast as sbe can now It she loses weight She’tt took reatty great And she’ll lose tons, tons, tons It she signs up today at Pounds Away Tons. tons it she signs up today A t Pounds A wey You won’t be fat no more
Michelle: Bye,bye, fet
Song: Sign up today at Pounds Away You won’t be fat no more
Michelle: Bye,bye, fet
Song: Bye,bye, fet Bye,bye, fet
Jesse: Yeah! All right. Good job, fellas. Go work on your hair. Joseph, you think that motivates people to go on a diet?
Joey: Hey, it works for me. Let’s go get some pizza.
D.J.: Hi, guys.
Jesse: How was school today?
D.J.: Great. Listen to my English homework. All I have to do is observe a family member for one day, then write a report about what they do.
Joey: Great. Who you gonna pick?
D.J.: Someone who’s interested in nothing but fun and toys.
Jesse: Must be Joey.
D.J.: No, Michelle. Michelle, do you mind if I follow you and observe what you do all day?
Michelle: Okay, come with me.
D.J.: Where are we going?
Michelle: My room, now!
D.J.: Observation number one: Subject has an attitude.
Stephanie: I’m home. I got kept after school. I had to sit at my desk with my head down and the lights off. And I wasn’t allowed to say a word for 15 minutes. That’s a new record for me. See you, boys.
Joey: Whoa, come back here, young lady.
In the kitchen
Jesse: Steph? Why were you kept after school?
Stephanie: Well, some kids were calling Walter Berman “Duck Face.”
Jesse: Hold it. Were you one of these “some kids”?
Stephanie: It wasn’t only me. It was the whole class.
Jesse: That’s no excuse, young lady.
Stephanie: Well, if you saw Walter, you’d call him Duck Face too. He’s always making these duck lips.
Joey: Kid sounds like a “quackup.”
Stephanie: You should’ve seen it. The whole class was going: Well, you had to be there.
Jesse: Stephanie, let me tell you a little story about your Uncle Jesse. When I was a kid, everybody used to tease me.
Joey: They called me “Zorba the Geek.” Zorba the Geek. Kids can be so cruel.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, you were a geek?
Jesse: Let me tell you something. The day I turned 13 my body flipped out. My nose outgrew my face. My ears outgrew my nose. I was your basic Mr. Potato Head.
Joey: So before you were a stud, you were a spud. I’m not helping, am I? Listen to your Uncle Jess.
Jesse: Steph, the point I’m trying to make is those kids really hurt my feelings. So I know how Walter feels, and I think it would be good if you call and apologize.
Stephanie: Me? Call Duck Face?
Jesse: Yes, you call Duck F– Walter.
Danny: Hi, everybody.
Stephanie: Daddy, I’m so happy to see you.
Danny: Dorothy was right. There’s no place like home.
Stephanie: Just because I teased Duck Face at school, Uncle Jesse is making me call him.
Stephanie: You know it’s wrong to hurt someone’s feelings. I think your Uncle Jesse is handling this just right.
Stephanie: Okay, I’ll call Walter and tell him I’m sorry. Then I’ll invite him over for some soup and “quackers.” I kill myself!
Stephanie: I’m sorry. I had to get it out of my system.
Jesse: I’m gonna go track down Duck Face– Walter’s phone number.
Joey: Hey, Danny, what’s going on?
Danny: Oh, lots of stuff. Becky’s out of town and I need somebody to cohost my show. You got any ideas?
Joey: Yeah, me. This works out perfect. I’m headlining at the Laugh Machine. I could use the publicity. Let me help you with that jacket.
Danny: Yeah, well, I was leaning toward that pretty blond who does evening news.
Joey: He’s awful. Danny, you need someone who knows you as well as you know yourself. Like someone who lives in your house and helps you raise your kids.
Danny: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Joey: There’s only one logical choice.
Danny: Yeah, but you think Jesse could do it? Easy, easy, Joey. I was just having fun with you. I talked to everybody. I set it up. You got the job.
Joey: I did?
Joey: Great! Yes! You know, you should’ve kept me going. You were this close to getting your car waxed.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Michelle: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hi! Goodbye.
D.J.: Wait, wait, wait. Slow down, Michelle. Observing you was supposed to be easy. So far, you’ve played with all your animals, and you flushed every toilet in the house. Why don’t we take a nap?
Michelle: Okay, naptime.
D.J.: Bless you.
Michelle: Nap over.
D.J.: I feel refreshed.
Jesse: How’s your report going, Deej?
D.J.: The question is where is my report going?
Jesse: All right, come on, Steph. It’s time to call Walter and apologize.
Stephanie: I can’t talk. I lost my voice.
Jesse: Then we’re just gonna have to go over to Walter’s house and apologize in person.
Stephanie: My voice is back. It’s a miracle.
Jesse: Hallelujah. All right, Steph, trust me on this one. You’ll feel good, Walter will feel good and I’ll feel good because I thought of the idea. Hold on one second. Here you go.
Stephanie: Walter, this is Stephanie Tanner. I’m really sorry. Well, nice talking to you.
Jesse: Don’t you think you should mention what you’re sorry for?
Stephanie: I’m sorry I quacked at you.
Stephanie: And called you “Duck Face” and threw little pieces of bread at you.
Jesse: You threw pieces of bread at the kid? Steph, he’s not a real duck. Tell him he’s a very nice boy.
Stephanie: Walter, you’re a very nice boy. You’re welcome.
Jesse: Anything else? Is there anything you’d like to say?
Stephanie: Yes, there is.
Jesse: Good girl.
Stephanie: Wanna say hi to my Uncle Jesse?
Jesse: Steph. No, Steph–
Stephanie: Here he is.
Stephanie: Hi, Walter. How are you? Stephanie? Oh, you have a snake? That’s great. Stephanie! Really? He ate a mouse? That’s good eating.
In the living room
Danny: Joey, let’s go! We’re gonna be late!
Joey: Danny, what is the big rush?
Danny: Joey, you know I always leave the house at exactly 7:48. Now, thanks to you, I’m already two minutes late.
Joey: What are you talking about? We are right on time.
Danny: Joey. That’s a barometer.
Joey: Well, in that case, we’d better get moving. There’s a hurricane brewing. I’ll get it. Hi. Can I help you?
Walter: Good morning. Is Stephanie Tanner here?
Joey: Come on in. Stephanie, your friend’s here.
Walter: My name is Walter F. Berman.
Joey: My name is Joseph A. Gladstone.
Danny: And I’m Daniel E. Tanner.
Walter: Nice to meet you, fine gentlemen.
Danny: Well, come on in. You kids have a good day at school. See you later, Steph.
Walter: Hi, Stephanie.
Stephanie: What are you doing here? Walking through my living room, sitting on my couch?
Walter: I wanted to thank you in person for calling me yesterday to apologize.
Stephanie: Well, it was just something I had to do.
Walter: So you really think I’m a very nice boy?
Walter: This is marvelous. I never thought I’d have a friend and now I have a girlfriend.
Stephanie: You do? Who?
Walter: Walter plus Stephanie equals true love, forever.
Stephanie: Forever? Walter, about this girlfriend thing,,
Walter: It’s exciting, isn’t it? I can’t wait to tell the whole second grade that you’re my girlfriend. Oh, man. I feel 4 feet tall.
Stephanie: Whoa, whoa, wait. You can’t tell anyone I’m your girlfriend.
Walter: Oh, I get it. So you want it to be a secret?
Stephanie: Yeah. Top secret.
Walter: A secret girlfriend. What does that mean?
Stephanie: Well, it means we’ll never talk to each other. We’ll never look at each other. We’ll never hold hands. We’ll be total strangers.
Walter: Okay, but you’re still my secret girlfriend.
Stephanie: Well, I guess I won’t talk to you later.
Walter: You know what I’m doing now?
Stephanie: I’m afraid to ask.
Walter: I’m giving you a secret kiss, in my mind.
In Michelle’s bedroom
D.J.: Michelle, give me my paper back, so I can write down that you stole it.
Michelle: My paper.
D.J.: Michelle, come–
Michelle: I sorry.
D.J.: That’s okay, Michelle.
Michelle: D.J. got a boo,boo?
D.J.: Yeah, I bumped my knee.
Michelle: I’ll make it better.
D.J.: Thank you, Michelle.
Michelle: All better?
D.J.: All better.
Michelle: Okay. More fun.
Stephanie: Have you seen your Uncle Jesse?
D.J.: Check his room.
Stephanie: If I wasn’t so steamed, I would’ve thought of that.
In Jesse’s bedroom
Stephanie: May I come in? Thank you. You made me call Duck Face, and now he thinks I’m his girlfriend. He kissed me in his mind. If this gets out at school, I’m a dead duck. Have a nice day.
In the studio
Staffer: Ten seconds. Ten seconds.
Danny: Where the heck is Joey? How can he be late? I drove him here.
Staffer: In four, three, two….
Sound: Weke up
Danny: Wake up, San Francisco. I’m Danny Tanner. Rebecca Donaldson is on assignment so filling in for her is a man who needs no introduction because he’s not here.
Joey: Sorry, Danny. This wasn’t my fault. The doughnut guy was late.
Danny: Well, as you can see, we are gonna have a lot of fun today because my cohost this morning is one of the hottest comics on the local scene. He’s also one of my closest friends, and that’s not just show-biz talk. This is Joey Gladstone.
Joey: Oh, come on. Cut it out. Did you mention I’ll be at the Laugh Machine this weekend with a special late show on Saturday?
Danny: Probably not, since we’ve only been on the air for 20 seconds. Ten of which you missed.
Joey: Great. Now would be a wonderful time to mention that I’ll be at the Laugh Machine this weekend with a special late show on Saturday.
Danny: Cut it out. Well, Joey, it’s time to bring out our first guest. He’s the author of Hug Your Wey to Heppiess and he is my personal hero. Please welcome hug therapist Dr. Ruben Wynager. There’s a lot of love on this set. Doctor.
Ruben: Thank you. Thank you. You could tell so much by the way people hug. I feel something’s wrong here. Either one of you feeling hurt or suppressing any anger?
Danny: Well, to be honest, there are some things I’d like him to take seriously. For instance, punctuality.
Joey: Well, life’s a little too short to be ruled by a clock.
Danny: How would you know that? You tell time on a barometer.
Joey: I’d rather be a free spirit than a guy who polishes his shoetrees.
Danny: Hey, I don’t polish them. I wax them. They’re wooden. You have to protect your shoetrees.
Joey: From what? A woodpecker getting loose in your closet? That’s silly–
Danny: Come on– There’s no reason to stand. We’re on television.
Joey: People should know how neurotic you are.
Danny: I’m not neurotic.
Ruben: Boys, boys. Did you read my book, Hug Your Wey to Heppiess? Now hug. Come on, hug. Come on. Now say something nice to each other.
Joey: I think it’s great that you recycle.
Danny: And I think it’s great that you’ll be at the Laugh Machine all this weekend with a special late show on Saturday.
In the kitchen
Jesse: Are you having a nice time, young lady? This happens to be my sandwich, and this is your sandwich.
D.J.: Hi, guys. Michelle, guess what? I read my report about you in class, and I got an A. Mini five.
Jesse: Hey, all right. So it was a good idea using the baby, huh?
Michelle: I’m not a baby. I’m a big girl.
Jesse: A big girl. Excuse me, Ms. Tanner.
D.J.: She’s right, Uncle Jesse. Michelle, I’m really glad I got to hang out with you. We haven’t spent much time together since I started junior high.
D.J.: So you’re like a little person now. You’re sensitive, compassionate and you’re actually smarter than most dogs. But you still gross me out.
Jesse: Hi, Steph.
Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Steph, how was school today?
Stephanie: Oh, just dandy. Walter still thinks that I’m his secret girlfriend. He was giving me kisses in his mind all day.
Jesse: Steph, I’m sorry, but apologizing to Walter was the right thing to do.
Stephanie: If it was the right thing, how come my life is a mess?
Jesse: Just because you do the right thing, doesn’t mean life will be perfect. You do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, you understand? So if Walter thinks you’re his girlfriend, tell him you guys are just friends. But tell him nicely, no duck jokes.
Stephanie: No more advice, please. I thought grownups were supposed to get you out of trouble, not get you into it. Those are my friends. They’re here to work on our bug project. Excuse me.
Jesse: Steph, when you’re done, come to my room, you and l are gonna have a chat, okay?
In the living room
Walter: Good afternoon, Stephanie.
Stephanie: This is supposed to be a secret.
Walter: No one knows I’m here except my mom, and I told her it was strictly business. Here.
Stephanie: Thank you. They’re very pretty. But I’ve got a lot of homework to do. So thank you, good night, and good luck.
Boy: It’s Duck Face.
Harry: You dumped me for Duck Face?
Girl: Mr. and Mrs. Duck Face.
Boy: They’re going to get married and live in a pond.
Walter: We’re not getting married. Stephanie’s just my secret girlfriend.
Stephanie: Oh, Walter.
Harry: So it’s true. You are Mrs. Duck Face. Duck Face, Duck Face, Duck Face.
Stephanie: Stop it! Stop teasing me! I’m not his secret girlfriend! I’m not his any kind of girlfriend!
Boy: Oh, yeah? Then prove it. Call him Duck Face and throw him out.
Harry: Yeah. Quick, before I walk out of your life forever.
Stephanie: No, I’m not gonna call him Duck Face.
Girl: Oh, so he is your boyfriend.
Stephanie: He’s not my boyfriend. But he is my friend.
Walter: I am? I’m your secret friend?
Stephanie: No, Walter. You’re my everybody,can,know friend. If you were friends, you wouldn’t tease him either.
Boy: Why not? It’s fun.
Stephanie: Oh, yeah? Was it fun when you got hurt during recess and everyone called you “Crying Brian”? I wouldn’t laugh, Harry. Remember when you got that bad haircut? Everyone called you “Salad Bowl Head”? What’s so funny, Miss Milk-Through- Her-Nose-on-Parents’-Day, twice?
Stephanie: It doesn’t feel good to be teased, does it?
Harry, Boy & Girl: No.
Stephanie: Walter, will you stay and be part of our group?
Walter: I’d enjoy that. And thanks for sticking up for me.
Stephanie: Sometimes you have to do the right thing. Right, group?
Harry, Boy & Girl: Yeah.
Stephanie: Good answer. I’ll be right back.
In Jesse’s bedroom
Jesse: Really? Yeah. Yeah.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, can I talk to you?
Jesse: Oh, hi, Steph. Hi– Bye-bye. Thank you. Yeah, sure, pal. Hey, how’d it go downstairs?
Stephanie: Great. How’d it go watching us from upstairs?
Jesse: You caught me, didn’t you?
Stephanie: Yeah. Uncle Jesse, I have something to tell you. You were right. It feels terrible being teased. Are we still friends?
Jesse: Stephanie, of course we’re still friends. Why wouldn’t we still be friends?
Stephanie: Because I got so mad at you. I was never gonna trust you again.
Jesse: Stephanie Tanner, you can always trust your Uncle Jesse. I may not do everything you like, and I may even make mistakes once in a while but I’m always gonna be on your side. I just want you to grow up and be the best little person you can be. Let me tell you something. Right then, you were about as good as it gets, kid.
Stephanie: When I grow up, I wanna be just like you but wear dresses.
Jesse: Now that’s a hug.
Stephanie: And if anyone ever calls you Zorba the Geek again, you just tell them to see Mrs. Duck Face.
Jesse: Duck kiss. Good girl.