第46話「ジェシー愛の危機」

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In the living room

Danny: Tanner yo,yos the dribble. He fakes left, he drives right, he puts Michelle in the popcorn machine and he jams it right over 2 feet, 8 inches of towering toddler. Yes.
Michelle: My turn.
Danny: Okay, here we go. It’s Tanner versus Tanner, for all the marbles. Michelle breaks for the basket and goes right through my legs. Okay. She’s going for that super,duper, high,flying, baby,skying junior, junior slama jama. Talk about serious hang time. Michelle scores! In your face.
Michelle: In your face.
Danny: NBA action. It’s….
Michelle: Fantastic!

In the kitchen

Joey: The sandbox is ready for Michelle’s playgroup.
Danny: Great, and I have prepared a nutritious platter of celery sticks for her little friends.
Joey: Celery sticks, every kid’s favorite. I remember every Halloween, l used to head straight to the houses that gave out celery.
Danny: What’d she say?
Joey: She said :
Danny: Honey, take that apple out of your mouth. Now, what you did you say?
Stephanie: I said, don’t pull that apple out of my mouth, my loose tooth is stuck.
Danny: Not anymore. It’s in this apple.
Stephanie: It came out! I was jiggling it around with my tongue for a week. I could bend it all the way back but it kept hanging by this one little, slimy, skinny string of tooth guts. I’m gonna go put this under my pillow right now for the tooth fairy. This thing is money in the bank.
D.J.: Stephanie.
Stephanie: D.J.
D.J.: Wait till you hear what happened to me.
Stephanie: Wait till you hear what happened to me. My tooth came out.
D.J.: That’s nothing. I jumped my first fence today.
Stephanie: Big deal. You didn’t jump it, your horse did.
D.J.: So? You didn’t lose your tooth, your gums did.
Stephanie: I’ll tell you what happened.
D.J.: No, okay.
Becky: Come on, partner. Mosey on in here. Don’t be a baby. You know you had fun.
Jesse: That horse had it in for me. I tried to be nice to him. I gave him a sugar cube.
Becky: Jesse….
Jesse: Okay, so it was Sweet’ N Low. The point is I was nice to him and how does he thank me? He throws me in the mud. And then he laughs at me. My back. Get me a seat.
Becky: Better?
Jesse: Yes.
Becky: Good. The next time we go riding, I promise I’m gonna get you a cute little pony.
Jesse: I think not. I’ve had a little chat with my butt. We both decided there’ll be no more horseback riding.
Becky: Jesse, that’s not fair. l always do everything that you wanna do.
Jesse: Like what?
Becky: Like go hear your band play.
Jesse: Yeah, but that’s fun.
Becky: Well, I happen to think that riding a horse is fun.
Jesse: Hold on a second. You mean to tell me that horse riding is more fun than music? When was the last time you saw Mr. Ed play in front of 50,OOO screaming fans?
Becky: And did Guns N’ Roses ever win the Kentucky Derby?
Jesse: All right. If you don’t wanna go to the Smash Club tonight, fine.then just skip it, okay? Good. Becky?
Becky: Jesse?
Jesse: How about a nice, soothing back rub?
Becky: Okay. I could really use one.

In the yard

Joey: And then a little spaceship landed. Is this a playgroup or an oil painting?
Danny: Okay, here we go.
Joey: Great, Danny. I’m dying out here.
Danny: Nothing to worry about. I’ve got something you kids are gonna love.
A kid: No more celery.
Danny: No more celery. Toys. Here you go. And I got a pail and a sand,strainer and a bunch of plastic— Whoa, whoa. Lenny, Lenny. Very uncool. Sand belongs in the sandbox.
Joey: Tell you what, Len, buddy. How would you like to trade in that shovel for a red, white and blue woggly,do?
Michelle: My toy.
Joey: No, Michelle. It’s not nice to be selfish.
Danny: Oh, Joey, no, I’m sure my sweet little Michelle was just informing this little sand crab here that that is one of her favorite toys. Here, Lenny, play with this.
Michelle: My toy.
Joey: You wanna try for a third toy, or do you see a pattern developing here?
Danny: All right. Maybe she’s heading into a little selfish stage. Hey, it happens in families. No one knows why.
Danny: Here, Lenny. Play with this.
Danny: Joey, that’s my whiskbroom. Okay, here, Lenny. But try not to bend any bristles.

In the kitchen

Stephanie: D.J., I’ve been thinking. Santa Claus works one night a year and always gets milk and cookies. The tooth fairy works every night and all she gets is a sack full of old teeth.
D.J.: If there’s a point to this, please get to it.
Stephanie: The point is I’m leaving the tooth fairy milk and cookies. Don’t try to stop me, I’ve made up my mind. End of story, case closed, good night, and good luck.
D.J.: So young and yet so strange.
Becky: Hey, Deej.
D.J.: Hi, Becky. Do you think we can go riding next week?
Becky: Sure. Deej, you were amazing today. When did you decide to jump that fence?
D.J.: Well, when the horse was about halfway over. I figured, “As long as I’m up here, I might as well go for it.”
Jesse: Beck. Glad you’re here early. The band doesn’t go on until 9, so I figured we’d get a bite before.
Becky: Dinner sounds good, but I’ve been thinking. About the club. Maybe you were right.
Jesse: Of course I was right. What did I say?
Becky: You said if I didn’t feel like going to the club, then I should just skip it.
Jesse: When I said “skip it,” I didn’t mean “don’t go to the club”skip it, I meant “skip the argument”skip it.
Becky: Oh, I see, so you didn’t really mean it when you said were never gonna go riding again?
Jesse: Oh, no. I meant that.
Becky: Oh, really?
Jesse: Yeah. Why don’t you wanna come to the club?
Becky: You play the same songs three sets a night, three nights a week. Right, Joey?
Jesse: The Smash Club is fun. Right, Joey?
Becky: Fun? It’s loud, it’s smoky, and of course they keep that ladies’ room immaculate.
Jesse: Tell her she’s wrong about the ladies’ room.
Becky: Tell him I’m right about the ladies’ room.
Joey: I think I’d better just stay out of the ladies’ room.
Jesse: Joey, can you believe she’s not going to the Smash Club tonight?
Joey: Becky, is that true?
Becky: Yes.
Joey: Well, then, I believe it.
Jesse: Go wash.
Michelle: Hello? Uncle Jesse? It’s me, Mr’chelle Tenner.
Jesse: Somebody probably wants to hear me sing. Coming, Michelle.
Becky: Why do you men cling to your antiquated macho attitudes?
Joey: Because we’re tough and we’re rugged. Now take a hike, toots, so I can separate my wash-and-wears from my delicates.

In Michelle’s bedroom

Jesse: Yes? Can I help you, young lady?
Michelle: A kiss, please.
Jesse: All right, upside,down kiss. Upside,down kiss. See? Somebody still loves me. Michelle, can I talk to you?
Michelle: I’m a monkey.
Jesse: Can I tell you my problem first? All right. Listen to this.
Michelle: My toy.
Jesse: Michelle, now, you don’t wanna grow up and be selfish like Becky. Next thing you know. you won’t wanna go hear your boyfriend sing. I don’t know what’s got into Becky but she’s really starting to get on my nerves.

In the kitchen

Joey: After 7 already? I better check that garbage disposal.
Jesse: I mean. sometimes she gets so stubborn and pigheaded.
Becky: Excuse me.
Joey: You know, sometimes those things pick up other people’s houses.

In Michelle’s bedroom

Jesse: Michelle, why can’t Becky just realize your Uncle Jesse is right? I mean, it’s so simple– It’s so simp– Hi! Oh, you found the baby monitor. Michelle, do that imitation of me again.
Becky: I wanna talk to you, alone.
Jesse: Anything you can say to me you can say in front of my niece.
Becky: No, that’s not true.
Jesse: You see what I’m saying? Here, hold this.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Jesse: Becky….
Becky: Stubborn? Pigheaded? It just so happens this stubborn pighead only goes to that club to be with you.
Jesse: Then why are we arguing? Let’s go.
Becky: No way. If you don’t wanna do what I wanna do, why should I do what you wanna do?
Jesse: I get– This whole thing is about revenge. You’re punishing me. You don’t wanna go because I don’t wanna ride your stupid horses.
Becky: It just so happens that those stupid horses are a lot smarter than you.
Jesse: Just admit it. Say I’m right.
Becky: Okay. I’m right.
Jesse: Funny. Don’t you dare walk out that door. Don’t you dare leave this hallway. I’m talking to you. Don’t you dare take that step, or that step, or that step, or that step.

In the living room

Becky: Okay, what do you wanna say?
Jesse: I just wanna tell you that…that this whole thing is your fault.
Becky: My fault? Well, I disagree. But what else is new? We always disagree. We’re different people with different interests.
Jesse: Maybe we should start dating people we have more in common with.
Becky: So that’s what you want.
Jesse: It’s obviously what you want.
Becky: Fine, this relationship is over. Goodbye, Jesse.
Jesse: Fine. Goodbye, Rebecca.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: All right. It’s morning. I’ve been waiting all night for this.
D.J.: Stephanie, it’s Saturday.
Stephanie: It’s also tooth fairy day. Whoa, baby!
D.J.: You’re “whoa, baby”,ing about a dollar bill?
Stephanie: Does this look like a dollar bill?
D.J.: Twenty dollars! Whoa, baby!
Stephanie: I knew those milk and cookies would pay off.
D.J.: You nerd,bomber. I ate the milk and cookies.
Stephanie: You’re in trouble this Christmas. The tooth fairy and Santa Claus are like this:

In the kitchen

Danny: I don’t know, Jesse, maybe you’d feel better if you called Rebecca and apologized.
Jesse: Danny, I gotta face it. It ain’t happening. We don’t have one thing in common.
Joey: Sure, you do.
Jesse: What’s that?
Joey: You’re both crazy about me.
Stephanie: Guess what? The tooth fairy left me 20 dollars!
Danny: Twenty dollars? Whoa, baby!
D.J.: This isn’t fair, Dad. How come the tooth fairy never left me that kind of cash?
Danny: Well, possibly the tooth fairy was fumbling around in the dark and accidentally took the wrong bill out of his, or her, wallet.
D.J.: Well, I certainly hope the allowance fairy makes the same mistake.
Jesse: All right, everybody, get your pancakes here.
Danny: Pancakes, all right.
Michelle: My pancakes.
Danny: No, no, Michelle. Honey, those are for everybody.
Joey: Why don’t we all show Michelle how much fun sharing can be.
Jesse: Good idea.
Danny: Excellent idea, Joey. Now, Michelle, watch this. I am gonna share my pancake with Joey.
Joey: Thank you, Danny. And l am gonna share my pancake with D.J.
D.J.: How thoughtful. And I’m gonna share my pancake with my incredibly fortunate little sister.
Stephanie: You’re too kind. And l am happy to share with my Uncle Jesse. Thank you very much.
Jesse: And I’m gonna share with one of my three favorite nieces, Michelle. There you go. Now, isn’t sharing fun, everybody?
Everyone: Oh, yeah.
Danny: I wish someone would share their pancake with me.
Michelle: Here, Daddy.
Danny: Thank you, Michelle. I’m so proud of you. And I won’t even have to chew it. It’s Becky.
Jesse: I knew she’d be back to apologize.
Becky: Hi, Danny. Hi, everyone.
Stephanie: Hi.
Becky: Mr. Katsopolis, you left some things at my apartment. I assume you’d want your emergency blow dryer back. And your emergency styling spray.
Jesse: You made a mistake. This must be yours. It’s for “hard to manage”hair.
Becky: Oh, no, no. This must be yours. It’s for vain and pompous hair.
Stephanie: Are you guys having a fight?
Jesse & Becky: No.
Becky: We just decided not to be boyfriend-girlfriend anymore.
D.J.: You can’t break up.
Stephanie: Yeah, you’re just like Ken and Barbie. Daddy, make them hug and say “I love you.”
Danny: Would you guys hug and say ” I love you”?
Becky: Well, it’s nice to see everyone, but I really should get going.
D.J.: Becky, I have an idea. Why don’t all of us, and I mean all of us, go to the movies tonight.
Stephanie: It’s on me and the tooth fairy.
Becky: That’s nice, girls, but I have plans tonight. I’ll see you guys later.
Joey: See you.
Danny: Bye.
Jesse: I can’t believe it. She already has a date.

In the yard

D.J.: Becky, wait. You and Uncle Jesse are gonna get back together, aren’t you?
Becky: Deej, I can’t promise you that.
D.J.: Becky, you have to. I mean, if you’d stop coming over, I’d really miss you.
Becky: Hey, you and I are always gonna be friends.
D.J.: You mean we can still go riding and talk and stuff?
Becky: Absolutely. Any time you need me, I’m here for you.
D.J.: Thanks, Becky.
Becky: I’ll tell you what. This afternoon, you and Stephanie and I can go see that movie.
D.J.: Great. And don’t forget, it’s on Stephanie.
Becky: Got it. Later, dude.
D.J.: Later, babe.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: Becky’s on the way up. Where’s Uncle Jesse?
D.J.: He’s not here yet.
Stephanie: Then how are we gonna get them back together?
D.J.: We gotta stall Becky.
Stephanie: Got it.
Becky: Girls, you ready for the movie?
Stephanie: Not yet. You gotta make up with Uncle Jesse first.
D.J.: Good stall, Steph. You know, Uncle Jesse feels really terrible.
Stephanie: He told us how sorry he was for everything he’s supposed to be sorry for.
D.J.: He’s going around with this sad little puppy face, like:

In the living room

Jesse: You do the best Elvis I’ve seen any woman do. I have to be honest.
Diane: Thanks, Jess. I love watching your band rehearse.
Jesse: Thanks. I just feel bad you had to listen to “Viva Las Vegas” seven times.
Diane: I loved it. You could put out a whole album of just that song.
Jesse: You think? You know, this is amazing. This whole day has been great. Becky would’ve never sat through a rehearsal. Now, if I said, “Let’s hop on a Harley, go to Vegas, roll dice,”what would you say?
Diane: I’d say, “Your bike or mine.”
Jesse: See? Becky would say, “Let’s stay here and play Yahtzee.”
Diane: So how come you can’t go five minutes without mentioning Becky?
Jesse: Oh, did I mention Becky?
Diane: Well, you did break into a chorus of “Viva Las Becky.”
Jesse: Sorry. All right. I’m gonna go upstairs and I won’t mention the B word. I won’t even say anything that ends in “-ecky.” No shecky, no trekkie….
D.J.: Jesse, I’ve gotta talk to–
Jesse: Not now.
D.J.: Becky’s here.
Jesse: My Becky? I mean, “My ex, Becky.” And she’s down there. Oh, God. I gotta think. Hang on.
D.J.: She said she was really sorry for everything she’s supposed to be sorry for.
Jesse: Really?
D.J.: All she does is make this sad little puppy face, like:
Jesse: Really?
D.J.: I’m pretty sure she’s stopped crying.
Jesse: She was crying?
D.J.: All day.
Jesse: Hi.
Becky: Hello.
Jesse: It was nice of you to apologize.
Becky: Yeah, well, it– Nice of me? D.J. said,,
D.J.: Oh, what’s the difference what D.J. said?
Jesse: She said you made that cute puppy,dog face, like this:
Becky: Oh, no, no, no. They said you went:
Stephanie: Come on. Didn’t you guys miss each other like crazy just a little?
Jesse: Well, maybe I missed her like crazy just a little if she missed me. Did you?
Becky: Of course I missed you. I’ve been thinking about you nonstop.
Diane: Jess, I thought we were leaving.
Jesse: Well….
Becky: Who’s this?
Jesse: Well….
Becky: You said that already. You have anything else to say?
Jesse: No, I think I’d just like to stick with “well.”
Stephanie: This could get ugly.
Becky: Well, it’s nice to meet you, whoever you are. I’m sure you two have a lot in common. Goodbye.
Jesse: Stay here one second. Wait.

In the hallway

Becky: You couldn’t even wait one day?
Jesse: I made a date because you made a date.
Becky: I didn’t say I made a date. I said I made plans.
Jesse: Plans, a date–
Diane: Excuse me, but there’s no other way out of here.
Jesse: I’m really sorry, Diane.
Diane: I hope you’re Becky, because if you’re not, you’re gonna hear an awful lot about her for the rest of the day.
Becky: Really? You were talking about me?
Jesse: Yeah, I’ve been talking about you, I’ve been thinking about– I even sang “Viva Las Becky.” Come on.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Jesse: I hate it when we fight. It’s so silly. First you get mad, then I get mad.
Becky: No, that’s not the way it happens. You always get mad before I do.
Jesse: What? I don’t get mad before you do!
Becky: Yes, you do!
Jesse: All right, stop ! What are we fighting about this time?
Becky: I think we’re fighting about the way we fight.
Jesse: This may be our stupidest fight yet.
Becky: Why do we fight like this? Nobody ever wins.
Jesse: Becky, I don’t wanna win. I just– I want you to understand me better, that’s all. Of course, if I happen to win in the process….
Becky: Wait a minute. I think you may have accidentally said something useful.
Jesse: I did?
Becky: Yes. Instead of arguing, why don’t we try really listening to each other. We might learn about the person we care about.
Jesse: That’s what I want. I want us to know each other. Understand each other– All right. Let’s put this into play. Let’s try this with our problem. You don’t wanna go to the club because it’s loud and filthy, right?
Becky: I couldn’t have said it better. And you don’t wanna ride horses because they’re stupid and dangerous.
Jesse: So we just have to give up everything we love and we’ll be happy, right?
Becky: Wrong.
Jesse: Good, because I got this new guitar and I’d hate to give it up.
Becky: Jesse, we don’t have to give up anything. We can do our own things and still be a couple.
Jesse: We can?
Becky: Sure, we can. How about if you only go riding with me because you want to.
Jesse: All right, and you only go to the club with me because you want to.
Becky: Okay. But never because we feel we have to.
Jesse: I gotta tell you something. I’m still going horseback riding with you because I just really love being with you.
Becky: You’re so sweet. There is one good thing about our fighting.
Jesse: What’s that?
Becky: We have a great time making up.
Jesse: Yes, because our love is more important than any puddle of mud or smoky club…
Becky: Jess?
Jesse: …or smelly horse…
Becky: Jess?
Jesse: …or flies, or– Yeah?
Becky: Jess? Just say “Have mercy”and kiss me.
Jesse: Have mercy. I knew they were gonna come in. Well, I just wanna thank you girls for sticking your noses where they don’t belong.
D.J.: Any time, Uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: Let’s go to the movies. It’s still my treat.
D.J.: Steph, I don’t think $20 will be enough.
Stephanie: I’m good for it. I’ve got a mouthful of baby teeth. Here’s 20 bucks…
Jesse: Yeah.
Stephanie: …here’s 40….
Jesse: Yeah.




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