第45話「ボディコンD.J.」

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In the living room

Jesse: Nine. Ten. Okay, ready or not, here I come.
Michelle: Here l am.
Jesse: Michelle, come here. Now, we’re gonna have to have a little chat, you and I. See, the name of the game is “Hide and Go Seek.” You’re playing “Hide and Say, Here l am.” Capeesh?
Michelle: Capeesh.
Jesse: Let’s play again, but this time, I’ll hide and you come seek me, okay? So you count to three. Cover your eyes. Cover your… No. No peeking. No peeking. All right, ready? All right, count.
Michelle: One, two, three, four, five. Here l am. I win again. Capeesh?
Jesse: Capeesh.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: D.J., if it’s not right by now put on a hat.
D.J.: Today is my first day of junior high school and I wanna look perfect. Wait. Almost. There! Quick, spray. All right. All over. Keep spraying. Get every inch. All right. Perfect.
Stephanie: Very natural.
D.J.: Finally, I’m going to a school that doesn’t have a sandbox.
Stephanie: How can you be so happy? This is the first time we won’t be at the same school. Aren’t you gonna miss me like crazy?
D.J.: Stephanie, try to understand. You are a child. I’m a young adult. And starting today, we live in different worlds.
Stephanie: We don’t even live in different rooms.
D.J.: Please, don’t remind me.
Stephanie: Come on, Deej. Stay at my school. I need my big sister to stick up for me. What if some kid calls me a lameoid zombie dog?
D.J.: I don’t know, bite them. Look, I didn’t have a big sister to stick up for me, and I did fine. So will you.
Stephanie: But when I get to junior high, you’ll be in high school. When I get to high school, you’ll be in college. When I get to college, you’ll be working at McDonald’s.

In the living room

Joey: Mr. Avalos, Jesse and l are thrilled that the ad agency has assigned us to your account.
Jesse: Extremely thrilled, sir. Yeah.
Joey: We have exciting ideas about the motor,oil campaign.
Jesse: Extremely exciting ideas, sir.
Joey: Yeah. You get the door. Don’t worry, I’ll say everything twice.
Jesse: Hello. Wait, let me guess. I know why you’re here. You couldn’t get through the day without a kiss, right?
Becky: Danny needed a ride to work, but as long as I’m here….
Jesse: Oh, have mercy.
Kimmy: This early? I hope you brushed.
Jesse: Kimmy, here’s a wild idea. This year, why doesn’t D.J. pick you up on the way to school.
Kimmy: No can do. My dad eats his breakfast in his underwear.
Joey: Yes, sir. Thank you. Goodbye, sir.
Jesse: What happened, Joseph?
Joey: Jess, it’s all set. We meet Mr. Avalos 1 O a.m. at the Cloverdale Country Club. He wants us to pitch the campaign while we play golf. Yes!
Jesse: Golf? No, no, I’m not playing golf. I’m sorry, Joseph. Golf is for little old ladies.
Becky: I play golf.
Jesse: And hot young babes. What? What?
Joey: You can’t play golf, can you?
Jesse: Please, I can play.
Joey: No, you can’t.
Jesse: Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Joey: No, you can’t. No, you can’t.
Jesse: If there’s one thing I can do, it’s play golf. The last time I was playing golf, I stepped up to the tee, hit the ball right past the windmill into the little clown’s mouth.
Danny: Girls, I got your lunches!
D.J.: Dad, we’re right behind you!
Danny: Well, here are your lunches.
Kimmy: Mr. Tanner, wake up. In junior high, the cool kids buy their lunch. If you wanna be a good dad, give her a bag of cash.
Danny: Here, D.J., buy yourself some lunch and make some new friends.
Becky: You guys are gonna have such a great time. Junior high was when I got my first boyfriend, my first slow dance, my first slow kiss. And then I woke up, and it was all a dream.
D.J.: Goodbye, Dad. See you later.
Danny: Bye,bye. Have fun.
Michelle: Wait for me. I go too.
Joey: Hold on, you little Sesame streaker. You don’t start nursery school till next year.
D.J.: But, Michelle, you can practice with a real school lunch.
Michelle: No cookies?
Stephanie: Well, I’m going now. The only Tanner left in my whole school.
Danny: Steph, it’s gonna be–
Stephanie: No, really, it’s a beautiful thing.
Danny: Honey, honey. I know you’re a little scared. But trust me, everything’s gonna be fine.
Stephanie: So I guess I shouldn’t even bother with a phony cough?
Danny: No.
Jesse: Have a good day, kid. Knock them dead.
Joey: Have fun, sweetie. Bye.
Stephanie: The only Tanner.
Michelle: Well, now what?

In the school

A girl: Look out, scrub. These new kids are so tiny. They’re embryonic.
Kimmy: D.J.
D.J.: Kimmy! Don’t ever leave my side again. That kid has a mustache.
Kimmy: These people, they’re, like, totally mature.
D.J.: Where are we, The Young end the Restless Junior High?
Kimmy: Let me see your schedule. We only have one class together, sixth,period Spanish.
D.J.: Great. The only time we’re together, we can’t speak English.
Kathy: D.J., Gibbler, hi.
D.J.: Hi. Do we know you?
Kathy: We only went to school together for the past six years. Kathy Santoni.
D.J. & Kimmy: Kathy Santoni?
Kimmy: You grew up.
D.J.: Bigtime.
Kathy: Pretty intense summer. Okay, here’s what I found out so far: All the cute guys take metal shop and everyone makes out after school on the football field.
Kimmy: Everyone?
Kathy: Well, maybe not everyone.
Kimmy: Well, I guess we gotta go.
D.J.: I might go back to the sixth grade. Stephanie really needs me.

In the yard

Michelle: I play golf too.
Joey: No, Michelle. You sit right here and watch Uncle Jesse get a golf lesson first. Okay, babe?
Michelle: Got it, dude.
Jesse: Thanks for the clothes. If the sun goes down, we can play by the light of my pants.
Joey: Hey, we’re doing this to impress the client.
Jesse: How, by burning out his retinas?
Joey: Get your mind off your pants. Watch my swing.
Jesse: Right. That’s it? That’s the whole thing? Piece of cake. Watch the kid take care of business here.
Joey: Jess. Elvis never made one golf movie.
Jesse: All right. Here we go.
Joey: Let’s go. Yeah, that was great. You see, very few golfers can drive a lawn that far. Come on, I’ll help you out.
Jesse: Give me a hand here.
Joey: Okay.
Jesse: I hope this is golf, related.
Joey: If it wasn’t, would I be doing it?
Jesse: All right, here we go.
Joey: Here we go.
Joey: Ball off your left heel.
Jesse: Ball off your left heel.
Joey: Always keep your head down.
Jesse: Always keep the head down.
Joey: Bend your knees.
Jesse: Bend knees.
Joey: Head down.
Jesse: Head down.
Joey: Right elbow in.
Jesse: Elbow in.
Joey: Head down.
Jesse: Sorwrwy.
Joey: Now, bring the club back slowly.
Jesse: Club back slowly. Oh, sorry. Head down.
Joey: Whack and follow through.
Jesse: Whack and follow through.
Joey: Ready to try one for yourself?
Jesse: No, I wanna play like this for 1 B holes. Get off!
Joey: Get you something to hit. Nice, easy target.
Jesse: Easy target. Here we go.
Michelle: Daddy be mad.
Jesse: Not if Michelle be quiet.
Michelle: My turn. I’m good.
Joey: See how she kept her head down?
Jesse: Shut up.

In the cafeteria

A girl: Over here! I saved you a seat.
D.J.: Thanks. My name’s–
A girl: Not you, scrub. This seat’s taken. Oh, here comes Mrs. Agbabian. Good way to lose your lunch.
Mrs. Agbabian: Young lady, keep the aisle clear. That will be enough of that. Now, find a seat. That’s a very snappy outfit.
D.J.: Hi, how’s it going?
Telephone: At the tone. Pacitic Daylight Time will be 1 2: 1 4 exactly. At the tone. Pacitic Daylight Time….

In the kitchen

Danny: My beautiful lawn hacked into pieces. Another senseless act of back,yard violence.
Michelle: Gopher.
Danny: A gopher did this?
Jesse: Hello.
Joey: Hi.
Michelle: Two gophers.
Danny: Oh, you mean two golfers.
Joey: No, one golfer, one gopher.
Danny: You were hitting golf balls in my back yard?
Jesse: I swear, I didn’t hit one ball.
Joey: It took us six hours just to play nine holes. Tell him your score.
Jesse: I got us the account. The client loved my ideas.
Danny: That’s great, Jess.
Jesse: Thank you.
Joey: Tell him your score, Jess.
Jesse: I shot 1 OO.
Joey: Jess.
Jesse: And 50.
Joey: Jess.
Jesse: Nine. You happy?
Joey: JActually, I’m very sorry. Sorry that I don’t have it on videotape. Hi, Deej.
D.J.: Hi, guys.
Danny: Hey, how was your first day of school?
D.J.: Oh, it was your typical first day. I got my classes, I went to them, and now I’m home. Dad, would you mind tomorrow if I dressed a little more junior high,ish?
Danny: Oh, no. Hey, l understand. You wanna be hip like your rad dad.
D.J.: Yeah, that’s it. Thanks, Dad, you’re the best.
Stephanie: Second grade is so cool!
Joey: Hey, great. What happened?
Stephanie: Everything ! You happen to be looking at the Room Seven official Fish Feeder. And, Uncle Jesse…
Jesse: What?
Stephanie: now that D.J.’s finally gone when people say, “Hey, Tanner,” I know they’re talking to me.
Jesse: All right, kid.
Joey: Way to go.
Stephanie: And, Daddy, you’ll love this. One of the shrimpy little first,graders asked me: “Where’s the cafeteria.” I said, “Can’t you read that big sign that says cafeteria?” And the kid says, “No, I can’t read.” They can’t even read. What a great day.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

D.J.: Well, it’s almost time for school. Do you think we look old enough?
Kimmy: How old do we wanna look?
D.J.: Old enough to keep me out of that phone booth during lunch.
Kimmy: At least you got to eat. I had to give my lunch to a girl with a tattoo. We could use a little more mascara.
D.J.: Yeah.
Kimmy: Assume the position.
Stephanie: All right, a makeup party. I wanna look just like Superstar Barbie.
D.J.: Chill, child. You are way too young.
Michelle: I want makeup.
D.J.: Here, Michelle, you can put on a little lipstick.
Stephanie: And I’m too young? How rude.
Danny: Let’s go, girls. It’s getting late.
D.J.: We’re coming, Dad. Well, how do we look?
Stephanie: Cheap.
Kimmy: All right.
D.J.: Kimmy.
Kimmy: Wait.
D.J.: Kimmy.
Kimmy: Call me Kimberly.

In the kitchen

Jesse: Joseph, it’s finally happened. He’s cleaning liquid soap.
Danny: Don’t be silly. I’m just cleaning my rubber gloves.
Joey: Danny, there’s no shame in therapy.
D.J.: Hi. See you later.
Jesse: Bye, guys.
D.J.: See you.
Danny: You should– Wait a minute.

In the living room

Danny: Hold it right there.
D.J.: Dad, we have to get to school.
Danny: You have to get past me first.
D.J.: You said I could look a little more junior high,ish.
Danny: Where is this junior high? Caesar’s Palace? You may go to school.
Stephanie: I guess we’re not as old as we thought we were, are we now?
Kimmy: I’ll see you at school, Deej. So long, boys.
D.J.: Dad, before you say anything, you were not at school yesterday and you did not see the other girls.
Danny: D.J., I don’t care about the other girls. My daughter is not going to school dressed like Jessica Rabbit.
D.J.: Uncle Jesse, Joey, you’re from this century. Tell him he’s wrong. Fine. I’ll go tie some bows in my hair, put on my Garanimals and go skipping off to school. I’ll be Daddy’s little girl forever.
Danny: Not forever. Just until you’re my age.
Jesse: Boys, let’s go take care of business. We’ll get her through this. Come on.
Joey: Hold it.
Danny: Any idea how to get her through this?
Jesse: Not a clue, no.
Joey: I’m not even in the ballpark.
Danny: Oh, man. You know what all this means? We are on the verge of raising a teenager.
Jesse: She’s gonna be going to wild parties.
Joey: She’s gonna be driving a car.
Danny: She’s gonna be dating guys.
Jesse: Like me.
Danny: She’s never leaving the house again.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Danny: D.J.?
D.J.: Leave me alone.
Danny: I can’t. I’m your dad. It’s my job. Honey, I wanna know what’s going on with you.
D.J.: Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Everyone looked so much older than me. I was dressed exactly like the teacher that everybody hates. I ate lunch in the phone booth listening to the time lady for 25 minutes and 30 seconds. Beep.
Danny: I wish you would’ve told me this yesterday.
D.J.: I was too embarrassed. I don’t know what happened. In the sixth grade, I was cool. And now I’m a joke.
Danny: I know it feels that way. But that’s because you were a big fish in a small pond. Now you’re in a big pond, so you feel like a small fish. But you don’t have to look like the big fish especially if the big fish are bad fish and smelly fish. And, well, now I’m lost and I’m rambling and I just wanna hug you and take you to SeaWorld.
D.J.: I just want people to like me.
Danny: They will, as soon as they get to know you. But, look, D.J.,this girl isn’t you.
D.J.: Then who am I?
Danny: Well, I guess, to me, you’re still my little girl. Honey, I don’t wanna stop you from growing up. But you just can’t go from 12 to 25 overnight.
D.J.: Kathy Santoni did.
Danny: We’ve gotta realize that this teenage stuff is all new for both of us. But, honey, we can work it out if we keep one thing in mind : We have no choice.
Becky: Danny, let’s go. We’re gonna be late. Oh, D.J., don’t ever let your father do your makeup.
D.J.: I did it. It looked better before.
Becky: When I first started wearing makeup, I made the same mistakes.
Danny: Really? How old were you, 18, 19.
Becky: No, actually, I was right around D.J.’s age.
Danny: Glad l asked.
D.J.: Really? You wore makeup when you were my age?
Becky: Only my mom taught me that the secret to makeup… …is to make it look like you’re not wearing any.
D.J.: Well, how do you do that?
Danny: Yeah, how do you do that?
Becky: Well, by bringing out D.J.’s natural beauty. For instance, you want a very subtle pink eye shadow. Can I show her?
D.J.: Can she?
Danny: Go for it.
D.J.: Thanks, Dad. And don’t worry, no matter how old I get you can always think of me as your little girl. Give me a hug, Dad. Oh,
Danny: I love those words. And I love you.
Michelle: I look pretty.
Danny: Yes, little Zsa Zsa, you look very pretty. But the secret to makeup is to make it look like you’re not wearing any.
Michelle: Daddy pretty.

In the cafeteria

Kimmy: D.J.
D.J.: Kimmy. What are you doing here?
Kimmy: I got my schedule changed. We have the same lunch.
D.J.: All right! What happened to your bod?
Kimmy: It’s back in my sock drawer. My mom saw me getting on the bus, and she freaked out.
D.J.: Hi. You’re in my English class, right?
Susan: Yeah. I’m Susan Erickson, and this is Karen Sykes.
Karen: Hi.
Susan: Do you guys wanna sit with us?
D.J.: Sure, thanks. I’m D.J. Tanner, and this is my best friend, Kimmy Gibbler.
Susan & Karen: Hi.
A girl: You’re sitting at our table.
D.J.: Well, now it’s a scrub table, but you’re welcome to join us.
A girl: I’d rather eat in a phone booth.
Susan: All right.
Karen: Good job.
Susan: Way to go, D.J.
D.J.: Someone should tell her she’s wearing a bit too much makeup.




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