In the kitchen
Jesse: What are you doing eating with your hands? Someday you’re gonna be invited to the White House to eat fruit cocktail with the president and if you eat with your fingers, there’s a chance you’ll gross out the commander in chief. Now- you eat with a spoon- all right?
Michelle: No, thank you.
Jesse: No, thank you? Michelle- grab that spoon and eat. Okay, but you’re on your own when the soup comes- young lady. I see you. I see that you’re sneaking one with your hands. I see you.
Stephanie: And here’s a valentine for my teacher.
Joey: Okay- tongue out. Thank you. Hurry up- Steph . Michelle’s drying up.
Stephanie: What do I do about Wendell Berman’s valentine? I can’t sign- “Love- Stephanie” to someone who has his finger in his nose all day.
Joey: Well, why don’t you just put, “From Stephanie, to Wendell” and just throw in a little piece of Kleenex?
Stephanie: Good thinking.
Jesse: (singing)My funny velentr’ne Happy Valentine’s Day, girls!
D.J.: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Jesse: Joey- you like these earrings?
Joey: Oh, Jess, they are beautiful. I’ll get my ears pierced tomorrow.
Jesse: They’re not for you, huh? They’re for Becky. It’s our very first Valentine’s. It’s part of my Valentine’s dream night. Check these out, girls.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, are you in love?
Jesse: Well, Becky and I– Well, let me see, how do I say this? But the two of– If you–Okay- if you see both of us toge–
D.J.: He’s babbling. It’s love.
Danny: Happy Valentine’s Day, girls.
D.J.: All right- Dad ! Fashion Central. You got my royal blue sweater.
Danny: I don’t know anything about a royal blue sweater. Guys, know anything about a royal blue sweater?
Joey: Nope. Nothing.
Jesse: No way.
D.J.: Yes- you do. I started hinting for it the day after Christmas. Could we please open our presents right now? Pretty please?
Stephanie: Pretty please.
Michelle: Pretty please.
Jesse: Oh, no. The triple leg hug “pretty please.”
Danny, Jesse & Joey: Happy Valentine’s Day!
Danny: Well, these are from all three of us. D.J., this is for you.
D.J.: Thank you .
Danny: And, Steph, this is for you. And come here, Michelle, this one’s for you.
Jesse: All right.
Stephanie: A gold heart. It’s so pretty. Thank you.
Jesse: Yeah, well, look. It’s a locket. You open it up and there’s pictures inside.
Stephanie: Who are these people?
Joey: They’re Bill and Mary, the people who come with every new picture frame and wallet.
D.J.: And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Well, I’ve been waiting for. Oh, thank you for my royal blue socks.
Danny: Well, won’t those royal blue socks go fabulous with your new royal blue sweater?
D.J.: Oh, my God . Thank you, thank you.
Danny: You’re welcome.
D.J.: Thank you.
Jesse: I told you.
Michelle: Thank you, Daddy.
Danny: No, no, Michelle. No, there’s more. No, keep digging.
Stephanie: You know, this would make a great dress if I put a belt on it. I’m gonna belt you, you little nerdbomber.
D.J.: Take it off right now.
Jesse: Hey, D.J., be cool.
D.J.: No, look, she’s stretching it out.
Stephanie: You don’t have to yell at me. I’ve got ears.
D.J.: But you’ve got nothing between them, you little chicken wing.
Stephanie: Oh- yeah? Well- if I’m a chicken wing then you’re a double-decker lame-oid chicken sandwich.
Danny: You’re lucky to have a sister. Say something nice about each other.
D.J.: Okay. Stephanie, you have a wonderful big sister.
Stephanie: And, D.J., you have an even more wonderful little sister.
D.J.: Yes, I do. Her name’s Michelle. Dad, is it okay if I wear my new sweater to school?
Danny: Sure- honey. But take good care of it.
D.J.: I will.
Joey: Let’s help her open it before she outgrows it. Here, come on . Rip that off.
Jesse: What is it? What is it? Here we go. Pretty.
Joey: Happy Valentine’s Day, Michelle.
Michelle: Thank you .
Jesse: I say next year we just get the kid a box.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Stephanie: And, Mr. Bear, this one’s from Jason Fleming. And this one’s from Jason Greenblatt. And this one’s from Jason Yamagato. And this one’s from Wendell Berman. D.J., what’s wrong?
D.J.: Don’t ask.
Stephanie: It’s too late. l already asked . Hey, where’s your new sweater?
D.J.: Right here. And here. And here.
Stephanie: What happened? Did it blow up?
D.J.: I was so stupid . I was playing soccer at recess and I took my sweater off, so it wouldn’t get all sweaty. Next thing I know- the gardener drives his lawn mower right over my sweater.
Stephanie: Daddy is gonna freak out.
D.J.: Not if my plan works.
Kimmy: Have no fear. Kimmy Gibbler’s here.
Stephanie: If she’s part of your plan, you need a new plan.
D.J.: No, I need a new sweater. My plan is to go back to the store and buy one.
Kimmy: Here’s $11.80. It’s all the money I have.
D.J.: Kimmy, you’re the best friend in the whole world.
Kimmy: Okay, here’s the other $5.
D.J.: Well, I have $27 in my “I gotta get a car the day I turn 16″fund.
Stephanie: You can have all the money in my piggy bank too.
Stephanie: Just turn around and shut your eyes. It’s in my secret hiding place.
D.J.: Steph, we’re in a hurry. Just get it out of the toy chest and let’s go.
Stephanie: That’s the old secret hiding place. I don’t keep it there anymore. Just turn around and shut your eyes.
In the store
D.J.: Thanks for the ride, Joey. We’ll be done in about 10 minutes.
Joey: I’m gonna go down to the one-hour photo store and watch people’s vacations go by. Bye- girls.
D.J., Kimmy & Stephanie: Bye.
D.J.: Oh, here it is. It’s so pretty, it’s so perfect, it’s so in one piece, it’s so–Eighty dollars?
Store staff: Hi . May I help you- girls?
D.J.: Yes. By any chance would this sweater be going on sale soon? Like in the next 10 minutes?
Store staff: No, I’m sorry.
D.J.: Well, we only have $43.80.
Stephanie: Plus. . . .Three hundred and twenty-two pennies in cash.
Store staff: I’m sorry, you’re a little short.
Stephanie: I can’t help it. I’m only 6.
D.J.: That’s it. I’m gonna have to tell Joey, Uncle Jesse and Dad that I turned their Valentine’s Day present into $80 worth of royal blue dishrags.
Kimmy: That’s too bad. But as long as we’re here, let’s try stuff on.
Stephanie: Excuse me, ma’am.
Store staff: Yes?
Stephanie: Is this sign true? I can buy something now and pay for it later?
Store staff: Why, yes. People buy now and pay later all the time. It’s called credit.
Stephanie: Hear that, Mr. Bear? I can buy D.J . the sweater now and when I save up enough money, I can pay for it later.
D.J.: Come on- Steph . Let’s go find Joey.
Store staff: Oh, excuse me, ma’am, I need to look inside your bag.
Kimmy: I hate shoplifters. They drive up the prices for everyone.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: Thanks for the ride, Joey.
Joey: You’re welcome. I’m still amazed the three of you, went into a mall for 20 minutes and not one of you bought a thing.
Kimmy: We were practicing our browsing.
Joey: You know- Kimmy- one day you’re gonna make some lucky young man very confused.
D.J.: Great. How am I gonna tell everybody about the sweater?
Stephanie: You don’t have to.
D.J.: Stephanie, how’d you pay for that sweater?
Stephanie: I didn’t have to. The lady said I could buy now and pay later. So I took it for you . You’re welcome.
D.J.: Oh, Stephanie.
Stephanie: What’s wrong?
Kimmy: You ripped it off.
Stephanie: No, I didn’t. It’s wrong to steal.
D.J.: Look, Stephanie, I know you were trying to help me but you took the sweater without paying.
Stephanie: That’s called credit.
D.J.: Well, if you don’t have a credit card, it’s called shoplifting.
Stephanie: It is?
Kimmy: I gotta get out of here. If the police ever connect me with this crime, I might be banned from the mall forever.
Stephanie: I’m a criminal? I broke the law? D.J., I’m scared. I don’t want to go to jail.
Stephanie: Am I gonna go to prison?
D.J.: Steph, don’t panic. You’re not gonna go to jail. Look, all we have to do is return the sweater tomorrow and everything will be just fine. Just calm down.
Stephanie: I feel much better.
Danny: Let’s go valentines. We’ve got a date tonight. Oh, D.J., wear your new sweater. I can’t wait to see how it looks on you.
Stephanie: Now what do we do?
D.J.: Well, if I wear the stolen sweater to dinner and return it tomorrow at least I won’t ruin everyone’s Valentine’s Day. I’d ruin tomorrow instead.
Stephanie: You have such a good heart.
D.J.: Now, all I have to do is get this plastic alarm thingy off. It won’t come off.
Stephanie: That’s all right. I think it looks nice.
D.J.: There’s gotta be a way to hide it.
In the living room
Danny: Come on、 girls- let’s go.
Joey: Ahoy, land lover. I’m setting sail for me Valentine costume party. Does you have any spinach in a can? This frozen stuff shivers me timbers.
Danny: I thought you were to go as a famous romantic couple. What happened to Cheryl?
Joey: Oh, Olive Oyl . It’s your Romeo.
Cheryl: Oh, hi, Popeye.
Joey: No, wait. Cheryl, it’s more like, “Oh, Popeye. My hero.”
Cheryl: Oh, Popeye. My hero!
Joey: We’ll work on it.
Cheryl: Well, I’ll work on my voice and you work on these muscles.
Joey: And she’s got a little smart mouth on her, it’s gonna be. . . All right- now- where’s that little Swee’pea? Oh, Swee’pea.
Danny: Oh, Michelle, come here. That’s how you looked the day you were born.
Joey: Oh, gosh, how adorable.
Michelle: Hi, Popeye.
Danny: Here you go.
Joey: Danny, I wish you was coming with me. Now that I takes a good looks at you, you’re built more like Olive Oyl than Cheryl is. Come on, Olive. Let’s go before my forearms explode.
Danny: Come on, girls. Let’s go.
Stephanie: Daddy, your dates are ready.
Danny: Girls, why are your sweaters rolled up on the side?
D.J.: It’s the latest style. Pretty cool, huh?
Stephanie: Try it, Daddy.
Danny: Hey. If anyone’s ready to take a fashion risk, it’s your rad dad.
Becky: Oh, bless you. Jesse took me on a hayride through the streets of San Francisco. It was so romantic. The stars twinkling, the city lights shining, Jesse sneezing.
Jesse: A little allergy to the hay.
Danny: Well, we’re off to see Roger Rebbit for the fifth time. Come on, girls.
D.J.: Bye, guys.
Jesse: Bye, girls. Have fun.
Danny: You too.
Jesse: Danny, what’s with the sweater?
Danny: It’s the latest style, dude.
Jesse: Yeah. There’s a look I don’t wanna know better.
Becky: Boy, you really went all out tonight.
Jesse: You ain’t seen nothing yet, kid. First, a little language of love some misie. Next, some fire to heat up the evening a little. As if we needed it. And now, a little toast. Here we are. To my valentine. To finding each other.
Becky: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Jesse: Becky, I have a little something for you. That’s not it. I hope you like them.
Becky: And I hope you like this. Oh, Jesse, sapphire earrings. They’re beautiful.
Jesse: A genuine Elvis spoon. Thank you.
Becky: I had no idea that you were gonna be extravagant. If I’d known–
Jesse: I love it, it’s great, man. It’s gonna go perfect with my Elvis cheese grater.
Becky: I’ve gotta try these on.
Jesse: All right. Let’s see how they look. All right.
Becky: They’re beautiful . Thank you .
Jesse: You know, Becky, I’m glad you made me wait four months before I got to go out with you. It gave us a chance to know each other without all the pressures of dating. I don’t know. I really feel like your friend . You’re different. You’re. . . . You’re interesting. You’re honest. You’re open. I mean, those qualities are hard to find . Trust me, I’ve looked. Listen to me- I’m rambling on here. What I’m trying to say is, I’ve always had trouble making commitments in the past. And I think maybe it’s time that–
Becky: Jesse, I know–
Jesse: I know. A lot of guys can say that to you but I’m gonna show you that I really mean it. See this? This is my little black book. Actually, they were out of black the day I got it. I’m not gonna need these phone numbers anymore because I wanna be with you every weekend . So goodbye, ladies.
Becky: Well, actually, not every weekend. I have a date this Saturday.
Jesse: You have a date?
Becky: Well, we never talked about not seeing other people.
Jesse: You have a date? Okay. Fine. I can get a date for Saturday night too. Yeah. Let me see. Oh, Becky, what am I doing? I don’t wanna play games. I just wanna be with you.
Becky: I wanna be with you too. But I feel like things are moving too fast for me. Can’t you just give me a little more time?
Jesse: Yeah . I’m not gonna blow this. I’ll wait for you.
Becky: Well, you don’t have to wait alone.
Jesse: I thought we were gonna take this slow.
Becky: Okay. Then let’s do this slow.
Jesse: Have mercy.
In the store
D.J.: Okay. We walk in, put the sweater back you stole, and walk out. Now, just act casual. What are you doing?
Stephanie: Acting casual.
D.J.: Just act regular.
Store staff: Hold it, young lady. Do you have a receipt for this sweater?
Stephanie: No, ma’am, I don’t have a receipt. I’m a shoplifter.
D.J.: You’re gonna laugh when l explain this story to you. Well, see, my cute little baby sister. . . .See how cute? Well, see, she thought that “buy now, pay later” meant you could come back and pay later for it. Little kids.
Stephanie: Do you girls realize that shoplifting is a serious crime?
D.J. & Stephanie: Yes.
Store staff: I’m going have to call your parents.
Stephanie: Could you ask to speak to Joey?
Store staff: Come on.
Jesse: You all right?
Danny: Are you okay?
D.J.: Yeah, Dad.
Store staff: Hi . Are you their father?
Danny: I certainly am. How dare you accuse these sweet, innocent girls of shoplifting.
D.J.: Dad, it was–
Joey: Stephanie was Honeybee of the Month.
Jesse: Don’t you have anything better to do than harass my perfect little nieces?
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, I stole the sweater.
Jesse: Not everyone’s perfect.
D.J.: She stole the sweater for me because I ruined the one you gave me.
Danny: When I first came in here, did I throw a little hissy fit?
Joey: You know, that is so unlike him.
D.J.: Dad, I’m really sorry.
Stephanie: I’m sorrier.
Danny: I’m just in shock because I raised my daughters to know the difference between right and wrong.
Michelle: My hat. Home, Joey.
Danny: We’ll be paying cash for the hat.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Danny: You guys are very lucky that nobody is pressing charges.
Stephanie: You’re not kidding . They almost sent me up the stream.
D.J.: That’s up the river.
Stephanie: Hey, I’m new at this.
Danny: Girls, I really like that you tried to help each other but why didn’t you come to me when you were in trouble?
D.J.: Because I thought I could handle things on my own.
Danny: D.J., you always think that, but to be honest, you’re better at getting into trouble than getting out of it.
D.J.: Well, is there any way to practice getting out without getting in?
Danny: Well, no. But once you get in, you have to come to me or Uncle Jesse or Joey and let us help you . Because no matter what happens, we’re always on your side.
D.J.: Thanks, Dad.
Danny: I love you.
Stephanie: Yeah, thanks, Daddy. Maybe you can help us fix D.J.’s sweater.
Danny: I’ll sure give it a try. This was an $80 sweater. But what’s really important here is that we all learned a good lesson. Eighty dollars.
D.J.: Well, you little chicken wing- thanks for trying to help me.
Stephanie: Hey, you’re my sister and you were in trouble. Somebody had to do something.
D.J.: I want you to know if you’re ever in trouble, you can always count on me.
Stephanie: Thanks. Sisters forever?
D.J.: Sisters forever.
Stephanie: Does this mean I can play with your toys and borrow your CDs and clothes anytime I want?
D.J.: Not a chance.
Stephanie: Hey, there was never gonna be a better time to ask.
D.J.: Okay, one thing.