第38話「D.J.のリトル・ロマンス」

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In the kitchen

Jesse: I’m so happy you could stay for dinner, Becky.
Becky: Me too. I love to see a grown man cry.
Joey: Becky, you really ought to go out with him. You’re breaking the guy’s heart.
Jesse: Back off, man, I was chopping onions.
Joey: Come on in, Michelle. Bring the bread with you.
Michelle: Heavy.
Joey: There we go. Thank you. And for being such a good girl, you get to ride on your horsey.
Michelle: Thank you, Joey.
Jesse: Try this.
Becky: Very good .
Jesse: A little garlic.
Becky: Okay. Now that you’re both here, I need a favor. As you both know, the Women in Media Charity Bachelor Auction is this Thursday. And as you also know, I’m the one in charge of finding eligible bachelors to auction off as dates. So I was wondering–?
Jesse: Becky…this kind of thing, it’s embarrassing for me. I mean, you know, women checking me out, poking me and prodding me like I’m a slab of beef.
Joey: I’ll do it.
Becky: Thanks, Joey.
Joey: All right.
Becky: Oh, Jesse, won’t you do it for me? Please? Pretty please? As a personal favor? It’d make me really, really happy.
Jesse: This is really, really unfair.
Becky: But it’s for a really, really good cause.
Jesse: I’m really, really gonna regret this.
Becky: Thanks, Jess.
Danny: Guys, I gotta warn you, Rebecca’s gonna try to–Beat me home.
Becky: I caught all the lights. Good news, though. Joey and Jesse said yes. We’re gonna make a fortune auctioning dates with you three handsome devils.
Danny: Three? Rebecca, you can’t auction me off. I’m the auctioneer. You never auction off the auctioneer. That’d make the auctioneer the auctionee. It’s confusing. I’m confused just saying it.
Becky: Danny, won’t you do it for me? As a personal favor? It’d make me really, really happy.
Danny: Well, I guess I feel real special now.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Kimmy: Stop the homework.
D.J.: But if I stop, you won’t have anything to copy.
Kimmy: Well, this is more important. How do you feel about Michael Monfort?
D.J.: He’s okay, I guess.
Kimmy: Well, I heard from Tom Altobello who sits next to the Epstein twins that Michael Monfort likes you.
D.J.: Are you serious? He’s so cute.
Kimmy: But I thought he was just okay.
D.J.: That was before I knew he liked me. Are you sure he likes me?
Kimmy: He wants you to meet him tomorrow after school at the bike racks.
D.J.: Is this a trick?
Kimmy: If I’m lying, I will never go shopping again.
D.J.: He really does like me.
Stephanie: (singing)Michael and D.J. sitting in a tree K-I-S-S–
D.J.: How did you find out about this?
Stephanie: (singing)I-N-G. First comes Iove Then comes merriege–
D.J.: Does the whole school know?
Stephanie: I don’t think the third grade knows. They were on a field trip. (singing)Then comes D.J. with a baby carriage Michael and D.J. sitting in a tree….

In the Schoolyard

Kimmy: All right, now when Michael gets here we have to be cool.
D.J.: Right. How do I look?
Kimmy: You look great. How do I look?
D.J.: What’s the difference? Here he comes. Hi, Michael.
Michael: Hey, Gibbler.
Kimmy: Bye, Michael. Tell me everything.
Michael: Hi.
D.J.: Hi.
Michael: Lot of bikes, huh?
D.J.: Yeah, good thing they got all these bike racks.
Michael: So are you gonna eat lunch tomorrow?
D.J.: Probably.
Michael: Me too. Maybe we can eat together.
D.J.: Okay. But won’t people say that we’re boyfriend-girlfriend?
Michael: Yeah, maybe. Is that okay?
D.J.: Yeah, I guess so.
Michael: You want this? It’s a friendship bracelet.
D.J.: Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks. It’s really neat.
Kimmy: Way to go, D.J. We have a boyfriend.
Stephanie: It’s about time.

In the living room

Stephanie: Okay, Grandpa, the name of the game is seven-card stud. But this time, only sixes, nines, twos, kings and one-eyed jacks are wild.
Michelle: Bingo.
Stephanie: Wrong game, Michelle.
D.J.: Come on, guys. You don’t wanna be late. Let’s go.
Danny: Okay.
Joey: Okay.
Danny: So glad this isn’t a rental.
Michelle: Wow, you guys look so handsome.
D.J.: Okay, bye.
Danny: What’s the big rush? We have to wait for Rebecca.
Stephanie: D.J. doesn’t want you to meet her new boyfriend, Michael.
Danny: I thought he was coming over to do homework. Since when is he your boyfriend?
D.J.: Since Tuesday at lunch.
Stephanie: Did you mention he also gave you a bracelet?
D.J.: Dad, if it’s Michael, promise you won’t embarrass me.
Danny: Me?
D.J.: Be Rebecca. Be Rebecca. Hi, Michael! Let’s go do our homework.
Danny: Hello, Michael. I’m Mr. Tanner, D.J.’s father.
D.J.: Dad.
Jesse: I’ll get it.
D.J.: Come on, Michael, now’s our chance.
Jesse: Have mercy.
Becky: Wow, Jess, you cleaned up real nice. All three of you. You look so handsome. Come on, let’s go.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: See you later. Bye-bye.
Joey: Bye.
Nick: Have fun.
Stephanie: Bye! See you later.
Danny: Bye.
Joey: Bye.
Stephanie: I’ll see your two Flintstone stickers and raise you three Hello Kitty’s.
Nick: I call. Seven queens. Beat that.
Stephanie: Seven aces.
Michelle: Bingo.

In the kitchen

Michael: No way.
D.J.: Really.
Michael: No way.
D.J.: I swear. My dad was alive when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
Michael: No way. It’s in our history book.
D.J.: He said.
Michael: Amazing. Well, I gotta get home.
D.J.: So I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow?
Michael: I can’t.
D.J.: Why not?
Michael: I promised Kathy Santoni, I’d sit with her tomorrow.
D.J.: Kathy Santoni? You can’t eat lunch with Kathy Santoni. Everybody will say you’re boyfriend-girlfriend.
Michael: Maybe.
D.J.: But I thought we were boyfriend-girlfriend.
Michael: Yeah, well, you’re real nice and fun and smart but Kathy Santoni is so pretty. Thanks for helping me with my homework. I gotta go.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Stephanie: Hi, D.J. How come your boyfriend left so soon?
D.J.: I don’t have a boyfriend.
Stephanie: Did he dump you?
D.J.: We broke up. Just forget it. I want to be alone. Here’s your sleeping bag. Your pajamas and your pillow. Go sleep with Michelle.
Stephanie: But– But– But– Aren’t you forgetting something? How rude.

In the Party

A woman: Number 12. I’ll remember that.
Jesse: I’ll remember that. See that? That woman pinched me like a ripe tomato.
At least she noticed you.
Danny: I feel like I’m back in high school. Nobody wants me. I’m going to be totally humiliated. I’ll probably get a zit.
Joey: Come on, this is fun. Now we know how women feel. Let’s go to the bathroom together.
Becky: Hi, guys. Having a good time?
Jesse: Is there any way I can get out of this fiasco?
Crystal: Hi, I’m Crystal. Are you one of our bachelors?
Jesse: Hi. Yes, I am. Tomato number 12.
Crystal: I took the liberty of buying you some champagne.
Jesse: Thank you. A toast to charity.
Becky: He’s a true humanitarian.

In Michelle’s bedroom

Nick: Hey. Hi, Michelle. You got a roommate. Isn’t that fun?
Michelle: Stephanie night-night.
Nick: I’ll try and keep it down.
Michelle: Wake up.

In the Party

Danny: Sold for $300. Congratulations. Who would have guessed that something, this wonderful would happen to you on your first day of parole. Just kidding. And now, ladies, feast your eyes on bachelor number 10. For an evening of dinner and dancing at Luigi’s two weeks from now, Mr. Joey Gladstone. The bidding starts at $100. I have 100. Do I have 150? One-fifty. Do I see 200? Two hundred? Two hundred dollars? Ladies, I don’t think you understand what we have here. This man is a comic, he does impressions. You buy him, you buy a date with anyone your fantasies desire. Tom Selleck. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sylvester Stallone. Two hundred dollars, 200. Do I have 250? Two-fifty. Do I see 300? Three hundred? Three hundred. Three hundred dollars, going once, going twice. Sold for ts300 to the woman with the bird on her hat.
An old woman: Hi, handsome.
Joey: Hi, I guess I’m your date. Nice bird.
An old woman: Oh, you’re not for me, honey. You’re a little gift for my granddaughter. Oh, Heather.
Heather: Hi. He’s cute. Thanks, Grandma.
Joey: Yeah, thanks, Grandma.
Danny: And that brings us to bachelor number 12.
Becky: Wait a minute. It seems that Danny has conveniently forgotten that he’s bachelor number 11. Ladies, Mr. Danny Tanner. He’s my cohost oa Wake Up, San Francisco. He’s a barrel of fun, and look, he can change colors. He’s turning red before our eyes. Here you go. Go get them, tiger.
Danny: All right, now remember, this is for a very good cause. Now, our date includes dinner, so at least you’ll get some food. Hey! I’ve got a bid! A hundred dollars. Bless you, miss. Oh, thank you, thank you. I’ve got another bid. A hundred and fifty. Oh, thank you so much. I’m hot, I’m happening. Okay, 200? Anybody, $200? Don’t stop now, ladies, I can go all night. No, I think you misunderstood me. What I meant was….Sold for $150 to the lady with the bird on her hat. Do you have another granddaughter?
An old woman: Oh, no, sweetie. You’re for me. We’re gonna boogie all night long.
Danny: I’ll take a nap that day. Okay, it’s time now for bachelor number 12, Mr. Jesse Katsopolis. Come on, Jesse. Jesse is an up-and-coming advertising jingle writer, he’s a musician–
A woman: Would you just get on with the bidding.
Danny: Right. Do I have $100? Stupid question. Two hundred? Three hundred?
A woman: I bid &1000.
Danny: What do you think of that?
Jesse: A thousand dollars for a night with me? No pressure there.
Danny: A thousand dollars, going once, going twice–
Becky: Eleven hundred!
Jesse: Eleven hundred?
A woman: Twelve hundred.
Becky: Thirteen hundred.
A woman: Fourteen hundred.
Becky: Seventeen hundred dollars.
Danny: All right. How about $1800? Anybody?
A woman: Take him. I could never explain $1800 to my husband.
Danny: Sold to Rebecca Donaldson for $1700.

In the living room

Jesse: I can’t believe Joey just did that.
Nick: Hey, all you guys get sold?
Joey: Nick, I got a great girl.
Danny: I got her grandmother.
Jesse: Well, I got Becky. Pop, she paid 1700 bucks for me.
Nick: What are you, nuts?
Joey: That’s what I said.
Becky: Staple them.
Joey: Okay.
Becky: Well, it was for a good cause and I….So, Nick, how are the kids?
Nick: Well, Steph had to sleep with Michelle because D.J. wanted to be alone. Her boyfriend broke up with her.
Jesse: Oh, no. She must be crushed.
Danny: Her first broken heart. This sounds like a job for Dad. What should Dad say?
Jesse: You better take along junior dads.
Joey: Junior dads.
Nick: You paid 1700 bucks for Jesse, huh? I don’t know if you’re aware of this but you could have had him for free.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

D.J.: Hi.
Danny: We heard what happened. Did you have a fight?
D.J.: No. It’s all because I’m not pretty.
Jesse: Come on.
Danny: That’s not true. I think you’re very pretty.
D.J.: You have to think that. You’re my dad.
Danny: Honey, did I ever tell you the story ot The Ugly Duckling?
Joey: Right, good story.
Jesse: Yeah, tell The UgIy DuckIing story.
D.J.: Ugly? You guys think I’m ugly? I just thought I wasn’t pretty, now I’m ugly.
Danny: Deej.
Jesse: D.J.

In the Hall way

Joey: We don’t think you’re ugly.
Jesse: Yeah. It’s the duck that’s ugly.
Danny: And the duck turns into a beautiful swan.
Becky: I don’t believe it. You guys told her the story ot The Ugly Duckling?
Danny: Yeah.
Becky: You never tell that story unless it’s about some other kid.
Danny: Would you try talking to her? Maybe D.J. needs a woman to talk to.
Joey: We should have told her Hansel and Gretel.
Jesse: That’s for kids in the woods, ding-dong.
Becky: D.J.?
Stephanie: Oh, good. My room’s open.
Becky: D.J.? It’s just Becky. Do you wanna come out so we can talk?
Stephanie: Forgot my stuff.
Becky: Come on, sweetheart, let’s go in your room.
Stephanie: Sorry, Mr. Bear. You’ve had a rough night.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

D.J.: Becky, there’s nothing to talk about. I’m ugly, boys don’t like me and that’s it.
Becky: D.J., that’s not true. You happen to be a very pretty girl. But I know how you feel. When I was in the seventh grade, I had the biggest crush on Sven Anderson. But he liked blonds, so I got a big bottle of peroxide.
D.J.: Did it work?
Becky: It turned my hair orange. I looked like Howdy Doody in a miniskirt.
D.J.: Howdy who?
Becky: Anyway, my mother said: “Don’t you worry about what a boyfriend or anybody else thinks of you. You just be the best Becky you can be.” Then she made me stand there and list all my good points.
D.J.: You’re not gonna make me do that, are you?
Becky: Yes, I am. Now, go on, try it.
D.J.: Well, I’m pretty good at school. I have a lot of friends. I have a purple belt in karate. I’m nice to animals. I have great hair.
Becky: You see? You know what? Those are just a few of the wonderful things about you. Deej, that boy blew it. You are the best.
D.J.: Thanks, Becky.
Becky: You’re welcome.
D.J.: Do you think I’ll ever have another boyfriend?
Becky: Oh, you’ll have lots of boyfriends. And some will break your heart and if I’m not mistaken, you’ll probably break a few hearts yourself. It’ll be great. And then someday when you least expect it, you’ll meet that one special guy. and before you know it, you’ll be paying $1700 to go out on a date with him.
D.J.: I don’t understand.
Becky: Neither do I. But you’re feeling better?
D.J.: Yeah, I guess.
Becky: Good.
D.J.: Becky? Would it be all right if I called you sometime to talk about girl stuff?
Becky: Any time you want.
D.J.: Thanks.
Becky: You’re welcome.
D.J.: You go on, I’ll handle this.

In the kitchen

Danny: Is D.J. okay?
Becky: Yeah, she’s feeling better. She just needed a little girl talk.
Danny: Thanks for the help.
Becky: You’re welcome.
Danny: I’ll say good night to her. They should put a warning label on that UgIy DuckIing story.
Jesse: Some hot chocolate, Beck?
Becky: Sure. Jess, we have to talk.
Jesse: I know. Look, I’m not gonna hold you to this date thing. I mean, I know I’ve asked you out a few times, actually several times and you’ve made it clear your career comes first and you just wanna be friends–
Becky: Jesse, I know–
Jesse: I know what happened. The excitement, everybody bidding and you had money–
Becky: Jesse–To be honest…. Oh, boy. Tonight, when Crystal was about to win that date with you something happened to me. I was….
Jesse: A little jealous?
Becky: I wanted to claw her eyes out.
Jesse: Really?
Becky: Jesse, I know what I said before but I think maybe now we should go out. I mean, who knows, maybe this could turn into something. Or maybe it won’t or maybe it already has, or maybe you should just shut me up.
Jesse: Okay.
Joey: Okay, come on.
Michelle: Have mercy.




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