In the living room
Jesse: Here we go. Let’s go, Danny.
Danny: Okay, this is for our Christmas card . Everybody look merry, peaceful and joyous.
Jesse: Okay, come on . This is it.
Danny: Here we go. Everyone say “Christmas cheese.”
Everyone: Christmas cheese.
Stephanie: I’ll get it.
Jesse: No, no, no! Come on . Here we go.
Danny: Hi . Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all you viewers oft Wake Up, San Francisco. I’m off to Colorado for the first annual Tanner family Christmas reunio. But through the magic of home video, you’re gonna see it all starting with our Christmas tree. Look, there it is unflocked and fire-retardant. And, of course, with the traditional smoke-alarm angel on top. There’s my brother-in-law, Jesse.
Jesse: How are you? Nice to see you again.
Danny: Guys, say something to the viewers.
Joey: Hey, you there on the couch. Dig those kooky pajamas. Jess, anything you wanna say?
Jesse: Just that Danny’s only taping this vacation so he can write it off as a tax deduction.
Danny: Memo to me: Edit that out. Careful, Jess. The red bag is fullof the girls’ presents. Joey, remember to bring your Santa suit?
Joey: Danny, I am psyched. All week long I’ve been working on my “Ho, ho, ho–”
Jesse & Joey: (singing)Home, home on the range
Danny: Here’s my daughter Stephanie. This happy little girl is what Christmas is all about.
Stephanie: Daddy, I don’t want to go on this dumb trip .
Danny: Stephanie, camera’s running . Try to be a little bit cuter.
Stephanie: I don’t wanna go on this dumb trip. Daddy, Santa Claus will never find me in Colorado. He knows I live here.
Danny: Trust me, Steph, he’ll be there Christmas morning.
Stephanie: Well, just to make sure, I drew this map for Santa so he can find me. It’s got the North Pole, “You are here.” And San Francisco, “Stephanie was here.” And Colorado, “Stephanie will be here Christmas morning.” And this is a bird named Tony.
In Michelle’s bedroom
D.J.: There, perfect. Michelle, could you keep a secret?
Michelle: Okay, D.J .
D.J.: Great, I’ve been dying to tell someone. I found out where Dad hid all our Christmas presents. I just happened to be wandering through the crawlspace in the attic. Guess what? I’m getting my new CD player. Stephanie’s getting her roller skates. And you are gonna be rolling in new toys.
D.J.: You promised you wouldn’t say anything, remember?
In the air plane
Danny: And here’s the Tanner family getting ready for liftoff. D.J., tell us what’s going on.
D.J.: I’m getting ready to buckle my seat belt and return my seat back to its original upright position.
Stephanie: I made a sign for Santa. “Stephanie on board.”
Joey: Look, Michelle, we’re gonna take a trip with all these nice people. Say, “Hi, people.”
Michelle: Hi, people.
Joey: Isn’t this exciting? It’s her first trip on an airplane.
Irene: Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose. Excuse me.
Jesse: Nice hat, Ma.
Nick: There are gonna be a lot of grandsons at this reunion. None of them mine.
Jesse: Pop, you promised you weren’t gonna bug me about this.
Irene: Nick, the boy’s right. Stop pestering him about grandsons. At least wait until he’s married.
Jesse: Thank you.
Irene: By the way, when will that be?
Becky: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Michelle: Hey, Becky.
Danny: I don’t believe this! It’s my cohost, Rebecca Donaldson. This tape is for our show. Say something.
Becky: Hi, viewers. I bet Danny’s making this tape so he can write off his vacation.
Danny: Well, I could do that but it would be wrong.
Jesse: Becky, what a surprise. I didn’t know you were going to Colorado. Maybe, I don’t know, you and I could slip away and go skiing?
Becky: Thank you, but, actually, I’m just changing planes in Denver because I’m going home to Nebraska.
Jesse: You know, I’ve always wanted to ski Nebraska.
Becky: You are so cute. Well, gotta get a magazine.
Joey: That was Jesse Katsopolis striking out.
Jesse: Memo to you: Edit that out.
Man: Hey, you’re sitting in my seat. I’ve got 1B, child.
D.J.: No, I have 1B, adult.
Danny: That makes three of us.
Stewardess: It seems we’ve assigned three people to the same seat. Silly us.
Man: Well, I reserved that seat three months ago and that’s where I’m going to sit.
Stewardess: Well, I do have two openings in first class.
Man: Oh, I’ll take one.
Stewardess: No, you reserved that seat three months ago and that’s where you’re going to sit. How would you girls like to sit in first class?
Stephanie: Okay! What is first class?
D.J.: It’s behind that curtain. It’s a magic land where people sit in seats as big as sofas and eat shrimp cocktail.
Stephanie: Okay, let’s get out of this dump!
Stewardess: Did you enjoy your dinner?
Danny: Well, the liver wasn’t bad.
Stewardess: You had the chicken, sir.
Danny: In that case, it was awful.
D.J.: First class is so rad. We had lobster and ice cream sundaes. What did you guys have?
Joey: We had the liver-in-a-chicken-suit.
Becky: Girls, come on. It’s the pilot’s birthday and they’re gonna cut the cake.
Nick: Rebecca’s a nice girl. Very pretty. You two would make a wonderful couple.
Jesse: I’ve tried, Pop. She just wants to be friends. She’s one of those girls that her career comes first.
Nick: Hey, I understand that girls’ lib stuff but you gotta tell them who’s boss.
Irene: I didn’t hear that.
Danny: Jesse, hold up Michelle. I wanna get a shot of her little junior pilot wings.
Jesse: Here we go.
Michelle: Hey, man.
Man: Kid, can’t you see I’m trying to work here?
Danny: Smile, Michelle.
Man: Hey, hey, hey!
Danny: Sir, I’m really terribly sorry. She loves animals.
Man: Give me back my hair.
Jesse: Oh, it’s okay, Michelle. Way to go, mister. Make a kid cry on Christmas. It’s okay, Michelle. I’ll sing your favorite little lullaby. Everyone sing. Sing along.
Stewardess: Your attention, please. The captain’s said there’s a heavy snowstorm in the Rocky Mountain area so we will be making an unscheduled landing.
Stewardess: Sorry if I bummed you out.
In the baggage claim
Jesse: Let’s go, girls. Hurry up, hurry up.
Stephanie: Daddy, Daddy, we can’t stay here!
Danny: Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’m sure we won’t be here long.
Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen, due to this totally incredible blizzard, flight 411, that’s us will remain grounded until morning.
Stephanie: What did you say?!
Stewardess: So let me be the first to wish you and yours a very merry Christmas.
Danny: I spent months planning this reunion and now we’re gonna miss it.
D.J.: We’re gonna spend Christmas in an airport?
Stephanie: I told you we never should have gone on this trip. Santa will never find us now. Operator, if Santa’s not listed, then give me the number for Mrs. Claus. Hello? Hello? How rude. Somebody do something! I can’t get Santa on the phone. He’ll never find me here.
D.J.: I’ll handle this. I know how to talk to kids. Come here, shrimp.
Man: Excuse me. Is your tribe sitting here?
Joey: Yeah. Why?
Man: Well, then I’m sitting way over there.
Nick: Jesse, look at Rebecca over there. She looks miserable. Now’s your chance.
Jesse: Pop, what are you talking about?
Nick: She needs comforting. Times of crisis always bring people together. Trust me. I met your mother the day Elvis got drafted.
Jesse: Pop, that’s taking advantage. I–It might work. Hi, Becky, how you doing?
Becky: Oh, I’m doing okay, Jess. It’s just that moving to San Francisco has kind of made me homesick. I was really looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. Ten of us kids gathered around a big turkey. This was my year for a drumstick.
Jesse: Well, I’m sure my parents would like to think of you as part of my family.
Becky: It’s been so long since I’ve seen everyone. You know, my little brother says Janice has really blossomed.
Jesse: Oh, yeah? Is Janice your sister?
Becky: No, my cow. I’m gonna call home again. Excuse me.
Nick: What happened?
Jesse: She went to call her cow.
Danny: Where’s the bag with the presents?
Joey: I don’t know. It hasn’t come in yet.
Danny: They lost the bag with the presents? Joey, what are we gonna do?
Joey: Maybe we should look for it?
Danny: You are so good under pressure.
D.J.: Tomorrow when you wake up, I guarantee the roller skates you asked for will be here.
Stephanie: How can you be sure?
D.J.: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer will find you because his nose is radar.
Stephanie: All these years I thought it was just a headlight.
Danny: Any luck finding the present bag?
Joey: Nothing yet.
Danny: This is horrible.
Stephanie: Daddy! Daddy! Good news. D.J. explained it. Santa will get here with the presents because Rudolph has red-nose radar.
Danny: Stephanie, you know, red-nose radar doesn’t always work in real heavy snow.
Stephanie: Are you saying Santa’s not coming?
Danny: Well, if he doesn’t make it here, I’m sure he’ll find you in a couple of days.
Stephanie: But it’s not the same. It won’t be Christmas morning.
D.J.: Dad, what were you thinking? I had her all cheered up and then you bum her out bigtime.
Danny: D.J., I think you’re old enough to hear the truth. The airline lost our bag with the Christmas presents.
D.J.: What? No presents? You mean they lost my new CD player?
Danny: How did you know you were getting a CD player?
D.J.: Did I say “CD player”?
Danny: Yes. That’s exactly what you just said.
D.J.: Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m not getting it anyway. Stephanie was right, we should’ve never gone on this trip. This is the worst Christmas ever.
Danny: This is not going well.
Joey: Any ideas?
Joey: Ho, ho, ho.
Stephanie: Santa Claus, you found me!
Joey: Merry Christmas.
Everyone: Merry Christmas!
Jesse: Who is that?
Jesse: Santa Claus.
Joey: Sit on my knee, Stephanie.
Stephanie: You know my name.
Joey: Well, I know when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake. I know if you’ve been bad or good. So why are you so surprised?
Stephanie: I’ve tried so hard to be good this year.
Joey: Well, I know that you’ve been cleaning your room and making your bed.
Stephanie: Hospital corners.
Joey: I know that you ate that last slice of pizza that Joey was saving for breakfast.
Stephanie: You do know everything.
Joey: I also know that you’ve been very kind to your family and friends. Little girls like you make the world a lot better place.
Irene: Come on, let’s go see Santa Claus.
Joey: Come here, little girl. Ho, ho, ho, Michelle.
Michelle: Ho, ho, Joey.
Stephanie: No, Michelle, that’s not Joey. That’s Santa Claus. See? It is Joey!
Joey: No, I’m Santa Claus. Why, people all over the world come up to me and say: “Aren’t you Joey Gladstone?”
Stephanie: What a mean trick! Stephanie, wait.
Danny: Santa can’t be everywhere at once. So Joey is one of Santa’s helpers.
Joey: I cover all the airports.
Stephanie: No you don’t. And don’t try to make me feel better. I’m going back to my phone booth.
Irene: Poor kid.
Nick: What a rotten Christmas.
D.J.: The presents are lost.
Joey: I broke Stephanie’s heart.
D.J.: The presents are lost.
Becky: I won’t see my family on Christmas. Or my cow.
D.J.: Did I mention the presents are lost?
Danny: It’s all my fault. If it wasn’t for me, we’d be spending Christmas at home instead of in a baggage claim.
Jesse: What’s the matter with you people? The first Christmas was in a manger. They did okay. So what if we’re stuck in this crummy dump? Christmas isn’t about presents or Santa Claus or cows. It’s about a feeling. It’s about– It’s about people. It’s about us forgetting about our problems and reaching out to help other people. Christmas doesn’t have to happen in one certain place. It happens in our hearts. So if you think about it, we could have Christmas anywhere. I mean, even in a baggage claim. D.J., what do you see right there?
D.J.: A coat rack.
Jesse: No. I see a big, beautiful Christmas tree. Joseph, what do you see back there?
Joey: Vending machines.
Jesse: No. I see a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Pop, what do you see back there?
Nick: A conveyor belt.
Jesse: No. I see–Okay, yes, that’s a conveyor belt. The point I’m trying to make is, we could give these kids the best Christmas they ever had! And you know why? Because “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling ‘yoo-hoo.”‘ Come on.
Jesse: That’s it! All right!
Michelle: Bye, Daddy.
Jesse: Michelle. Come here, you little insomniac. Hey. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Michelle. It’s Christmas. Wake up, everybody! Merry Christmas!
Stephanie: It’s Christmas! In an airport. Hot dog.
D.J.: We did a great job. It really does look like Christmas. And it doesn’t even matter if there are no presents.
Jesse: Merry Christmas, Deej.
D.J.: Merry Christmas. What’s that?
Joey: I don’t know. Everybody stand back. I’ll handle this. Jess, could you go see what that is?
Jesse: It’s okay. It’s only Danny. Probably dreaming of a white Christmas.
Danny: Very funny.
Jesse: You all right? Come on. Merry Christmas, Frosty.
Becky: I’ll get you some hot coffee. Does anybody have quarters for the machine?
Danny: I do, but they’re frozen to my thigh.
Irene: Come on, Danny. Sit down.
Nick: Jesse, what do you see over there?
Jesse: I see Becky by the coffee machine, Dad.
Nick: I see a woman waiting to be kissed under the mistletoe.
Nick: The first time I ever kissed your mother was under the mistletoe. It lasted till New Year’s. Hey, there are two things Katsopolis men are known for: Kissing and great hair.
Jesse: Merry Christmas, Becky.
Becky: Oh, merry Christmas, Jesse. Listen, I want you to know, if I can’t be with my family on Christmas, it’s really nice to be with your family.
Jesse: Well, I’m happy you’re with us too.
Nick: Go ahead. Go ahead.
Jesse: And I’m also happy, we just so happen to be standing under the mistletoe. You know what that means.
Jesse: No, I know, you just wanna be friends. But believe me, I hate this just as much as you do, but it is a Christmas law.
Becky: Well, I am a law-abiding citizen.
Jesse: Have mercy.
Becky: That was great. I can’t wait till we can do that again. Next Christmas.
Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho!
Stephanie: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, Steph.
Santa Claus: Merry Christmas, everybody!
Everyone: Merry Christmas!
Santa Claus: Merry Christmas, Stephanie!
Stephanie: Wait a minute. Are you really Santa?
Santa Claus: Give it a tug.
Stephanie: It’s a real beard! That means– That means– That means you’re really Santa Claus!
Santa Claus: And I want you to have the merriest Christmas ever.
D.J.: Whoa, it’s our Christmas presents!
Danny: I don’t believe this.
Stephanie: Thank you, Santa. Hey, where did Santa go?
Danny: He probably went to change out of your Santa costume.
Joey: I don’t think so.
Jesse: Hey, guys, come here. What do you make of this?
Danny: Look at the screen. “Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho”?
Danny, Jesse & D.J.: No.
Stephanie: I just saw Santa Claus flying away.
Jesse: You think?
D.J.: I don’t know what to think. All I know is, this turned out to be a great Christmas. Let’s go open the presents.
D.J.: All right!
Stephanie: You’re welcome, Santa.
Danny: Come on, Steph. We’re gonna open presents and sing Christmas carols.
Jesse: Here we go!
Stephanie: My present says– My present says “Stephanie.”