In the living room
D.J.: That’s mine. You already had two.
Stephanie: One of mine was broken. It didn’t count.
D.J.: Listen, Stephanie Judith.
Stephanie: I’m listening, Donna Jo Margaret.
Michelle: Stop it. Be nice.
D.J.: Okay, you can have the cookie.
Stephanie: No, it’s your cookie.
Michelle: My cookie.
D.J.: You know who she reminds me of? You.
In the kitchen
Danny: Here you go, Jesse.
Jesse: Thank you . Two gallons of milk.
Danny: All right, a can of tomato juice. Think fast.
Joey: And of course, the box boy’sown personal touch bread on the bottom of the bag.
Stephanie: Break out the root beer, boys. My report card is awesome.
Danny: All right.
Stephanie: Three A’s, a B and a B minus.
Jesse: I wish I got grades like that. I stayed after school so often people thought I was the janitor.
Danny: Stef, these are terrific grades. But your teacher wrote here: “Stephanie is a wonderful student but she needs to control her talking in class.”
Stephanie: Dad, it’s not my fault. Kids are always asking me for help. And who can blame them? Check out these grades.
Joey: If you’re always talking during class, you might miss something important.
Jesse: Yeah, like recess. Or reading and writing and fundamental things.
Danny: Stef, you have to stop being such a little chatterbox.
Stephanie: So. My own family thinks I’m a chatterbox? How rude.
Stephanie: No, no, it’s fine. From now on, this little chatterbox is all locked up.
D.J.: Dad, you’ve gotta do something. Listen to my report card. It’s so unfair. A, A, A, A–
Joey: How dare they? This is an outrage.
D.J.: You didn’t hear my Spanish grade, D.
Danny: A D in Spanish?
D.J.: Sen’orita Mosley hates me. I don’t know why, but she just does.
Kimmy: She loves me. I got a C.
Jesse: Hold it. You got a C in Spanish and D.J. got a D?
Kimmy: Hey man, I saw te Bembe five times.
Danny: Six A’s and one D. Something’s wrong here. I think I’ll have a talk with your teacher.
D.J.: Thanks, Dad. I knew I could count on you.
Joey: D.J., one day you’re gonna be very happy that you can speak a second language. It always comes in handy.
Jesse: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Berlitz. What other languages do you speak?
Joey: Well, it just so happens I speak several. I’m fluent in frog. Let’s see, I studied moose at Whatsamatta U. And I speaks just a smattering of sailor.
In the living room
Stephanie: Who is it?
Malatesta: Stephanie? It’s Mr. Malatesta. Jesse and Joey’s boss. Thanks. Are the fellas in? Where’s their office? Down through the kitchen and down the stairs. Thanks. Just what we need in San Francisco. Another mime.
In Joey’s bedroom
Jesse: I see you.
Malatesta: I see you too.
Jesse: Joseph, company. Mr. Malatesta.
Malatesta: Now I know why you fellas work at home. It’s so hard to get up a good game of peekeeboo at the agency.
Jesse: I’ll go make some coffee.
Joey: I’ll make my bed.
Malatesta: Fellas, we got big trouble on the Mr. Marshmallow account. We need a new slogan and we need it now.
Joey: Not now, Michelle. We’re trying to work. All right, you just sit here and enjoy these delicious marshmallows. Delicious. How about that?
Malatesta: It’s been done.
Malatesta: “Yummy.”Now there’s a great word. But it needs more.
Joey: Michelle, what else you got?
Jesse: No, no, no. It needs yummy in the tummy.
Michelle: Yummy in the tummy.
Joey: It works for her.
Malatesta: It works for me too. And I love it coming from a cute little baby.
Jesse: Okay, picture this, sir. Picture this. You got the baby, right? She’s floating on a cloud that looks like a marshmallow. You got the music, the wind blowing–
Malatesta: Great. Now we gotta find the most adorable baby in San Francisco. Fellas, she is cute, but don’t you think we should use a professional baby?
Jesse: Sir, this kid has got two years of experience playing a baby. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.
Malatesta: Okay kid, you’ve got the job. But you better be good.
Michelle: Don’t worry, be happy.
In the school
D.J.: And this is my Spanish class. Now remember, Dad, that D was totally unfair.
Danny: Don’t worry, I’m on your side. I’ll get your grade straightened out. Hi, Stef. How’s it going? You think she’s carrying this “l’m not a chatterbox”thing too far?
D.J.: Personally, I find it a refreshing change of pace.
Kimmy: Hey, Mr. Tanner, did you get D.J.’s grade changed yet? Did you yell at Sen’orita Mosley? Did you make her cry?
D.J.: He hasn’t gone in yet.
Danny: Kimmy, you’re doing so well in Spanish. You ever think of moving to Mexico?
D.J.: Come on, Dad. Class is gonna start. Now go in there and show no mercy.
Danny: Okay, don’t worry, Deej. I’m totally cool.
In the classroom
Danny: Excuse me, Sen’orita Mosley?
Linda: Danny Tanner? I mean, Mr. Tanner. Oh, I love your talk show. I watch you all the time. You know, you’re taller than I thought you’d be.
Danny: Yeah, well, on TV I’m only this big.
Linda: Oh, you are so funny. I loved the show last week where you learned how to make pizza dough.
Danny: Really? You know, it’s harder than it looks. First you gotta pound the dough….
D.J.: Dad’s really giving it to her now.
Danny: Or you can just pick up a phone and order one.
Linda: Oh, you’re so witty. No wonder you’re such a big star.
Danny: Oh, well, I wouldn’t call myself a big star. But you just did. It would be pretty silly for me to argue, huh? Well, it’s nice meeting you.
Linda: Nice meeting you.
Danny: Oh, wait….I came here to talk about D.J.’s grade. Why did she get a D?
Linda: Well, she started out getting B’s and C’s. But as the work got harder, she got discouraged and she simply stopped trying.
Danny: Well, I was wondering, do you think–?
Linda: Oh, look, I’m sorry, class is starting. You know, I’d be happy to stop by after school and set up a study program to help D.J. catch up.
Danny: Really? I’d appreciate that. Thank you.
Linda: Well, I’m here to help.
Danny: Well, until later. Bye.
D.J.: So, what’s my new grade? A? A plus? A minus?
D.J.: D? That’s the grade I had. I thought you were on my side.
Danny: I am, D.J. Sen’orita Mosley thinks she can help you bring up that D. We’ll talk about this after school.
In the living room
Michelle: Yummy in the tummy.
Joey: That was good, Michelle. Next time, try it with more energy. Nice and loud.
Michelle: Yummy in the tummy!
Jesse: What are you doing? You’re turning my sweet little Michelle into Sam Kinison.
Joey: Come on, Michelle, grab your wardrobe. You’re gonna make the Gerber baby wanna hang up her booties.
Jesse: Come on, come on.
Linda: And we’ll label the door, ” Ie puerte.”
Danny: La puerta.
Jesse: See you later, Danny. Nice meeting you, Linda. Right back at you.
Danny: Oh, wait a minute. Oh, good luck, Michelle. When you’re a big star, remember who changed your diapers all those years.
Jesse & Joey: Me.
Linda: Come on, let’s keep labeling. This is a fun way for D.J. to help build her Spanish vocabulary. This is eI sofe.
Danny: The sofa is eI sofe? How could she get a D in this language?
Linda: Well, they’re not all that easy.
Danny: Perro. That means two of, right? As in you have a lovely perro eyes.
Linda: That’s very sweet of you, but no. It means dog, and it’s pronounced: ‘Perro.’ The double R is very important in the Spanish language. It rolls. Come on, try it with me. Perro.
Linda: You need more lips. Now, watch my mouth. Perro.
Linda: I’m sorry.
Danny: Oh, no, no. Linda, wait a minute. Don’t be sorry. That felt nice.
Kimmy: Whoa, baby.
D.J.: So that’s why you took her side. Thanks for sticking up for me, Dad.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Danny: D.J., something tells me we need to talk.
D.J.: There’s nothing to talk about. You kissed my teacher.
Stephanie: You kissed Mr. Zambruskie?
Danny: No, I kissed Sen’orita Mosley.
Stephanie: You kissed a teacher? There I go again. Chattering away. Silly me.
D.J.: I can’t believe you sold out your own daughter for a kiss.
Danny: That’s not what happened.
D.J.: You said you were on my side.
Danny: Let’s get a few things straight here. My kissing Sen’orita Mosley had nothing to do with you. Kissing her was a mistake, and it will never happen again. But that has nothing to do with your D in Spanish.
D.J.: Dad, forget my grade. You kissed my teacher. And all my friends saw it.
Danny: Look, parents make mistakes too. I don’t know what else to say. You just gonna have to accept my apology.
D.J.: Fine. Apology accepted. Excuse me.
Danny: That went well.
In the studio
Jesse: All right, the lighting is a little harsh. Can you turn it down, please? You’re starting to toast my marshmallows. Thank you, you’re a nice kid. Don’t change. All right, let me see. Yeah.
Irene: Look at our son.
Nick: He’s such a big shot now.
Irene: It seems like just yesterday I diapered this little tushy.
Jesse: Whoa, Mother, please, with my tushy? I have to work with these people, huh? What are you guys doing here?
Irene: Oh, you asked us to pick up Michelle.
Jesse: Yes, at 6:00. It’s only 4, Mother.
Irene: Oh, are we early?
Nick: Irene, you have a camera around your neck. You’re not fooling anybody.
Irene: Okay, okay. I came to see Michelle. Where’s our little superstar?
Joey: Step aside, please. Make way for Miss Tanner.
Michelle: Hey, babe.
Joey: Hey, babe. I told you you’d get a laugh with that. No, please, no autographs. Miss Tanner can’t write.
Nick: Look at this little cutie-pie. She’s like…Irene, who’s that redhead I like oa Gilligan’s Island? Not Mary Ann, the movie star.
Irene: Tina Louise.
Nick: That’s right. She’s a teeny, tiny Tina.
Irene: Hey, look at that little tushy.
Jesse: No, Mother, whoa! Mother, do you have to grab everyone’s tushy?
Nick: Come on, Irene.
Jesse: All right. Here we go, little angel. Okay, now. What you do, you sit up here on the marshmallow–Ma?
Irene: Okay. Okay.
Malatesta: Stand by, everyone.
Jesse: Stand by, everyone.
Malatesta: We’re almost ready.
Jesse: Okay, ready.
Malatesta: To make marshmallow magic.
Jesse: That’s it, marshmallow magic.
Joey: Okay, Michelle, let’s show Mr. Malatesta just how we practiced it.
Michelle: No more.
Joey: This is just how she warms up.
Jesse: That’s right. She throws one first. Meryl Streep, same technique.
Joey: Okay, Michelle, remember: “Yummy in the tummy.”
Jesse: It sounded like she said “yucky.”
Michelle: Tummy full.
Jesse: What’s happened is she’s rehearsed all day. She went through a whole bag of these.
Malatesta: I understand. It happens. Dump the baby. See if you can get me the baby from the dogfood commercial.
Jesse: Sir, let her digest.
Nick: Is this guy crazy? This is the next Tina Louise.
Irene: Nicky, let me talk to him. I can be nice.
Jesse: Mother, that’s my boss. Don’t touch his tushy.
Joey: Oh, Michelle, you were terrific. We just let you eat too many marshmallows. Now, don’t take this personally. You’re fired.
Michelle: You’re fired.
Joey: No, you’re fired.
Michelle: No, you.
Joey: No, you.
Joey: No. Give me a kiss. You’re still fired.
Michelle: You’re fired.
In the kitchen
Joey: Come on, Stef, we made your all-time favorite lunch. Peanut butter, jelly and banana.
Jesse: We’ve gotta get that kid to talk. I have no idea what’s going on in the first grade.
Joey: Come on, D.J., you’re gonna be late for school.
D.J.: Oh, I don’t wanna go to school. I feel sick.
Joey: D.J., you’re not sick. You’re worried the kids will tease you about your dad kissing the teacher, right?
D.J.: Oh, yeah.
Joey: Well, I’ll tell you the perfect way to handle this. What you do is you go in and tell jokes about your dad kissing the teacher. That way it’s no fun to tease you. You beat them to the punchline.
D.J.: But I don’t know any jokes.
Joey: I’ll help you write them.
Jesse: You know, when I was in sixth grade, I had a face full of zits. Nobody teased me.
D.J.: Why not?
Jesse: I beat up the first guy who said something. Actually, it might be best to go with Joey’s plan in this case.
In the classroom
Danny: Linda, it’s not that I’m not attracted to you. I just think it’s inappropriate for us to date while you’re D.J.’s teacher.
Linda: You’re right. Why did I kiss you? How could I do such a horrible thing?
Danny: I just said it was inappropriate. I didn’t think it was repulsive.
Linda: I meant, I shouldn’t be involved with a student’s parent.
Danny: And I don’t want to put D.J. in an awkward position.
Linda: But you know I’ll only be her teacher for three more months.
Danny: We’ll have dinner the day she graduates.
Linda: You’re on.
Danny: I’d better slip out the back door.
Linda: Oh, Danny, Danny, that’s the closet. Ah, let’s not get settled yet. We’re gonna take a field trip to the cafeteria to learn the Spanish words for knife, fork and mystery meat.
D.J.: That’s okay, Sen’orita Mosley. That’s the best you can do? You guys need some help. How about this: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Deej. Deej who? Deej you see my father kiss the teacher?
D.J.: Oh, no, you’ll love this one. Why does my father wear ” l love Sen’orita Mosley”suspenders? To keep my grades up.
Danny: Oh, hi, Deej.
D.J.: What did I ever do to you?
Linda: DClass, this isn’t what you think.
Danny: That’s right. Well, guys, I’m sure you’ve all seen my TV show every day. We’re doing a special on great closets in San Francisco.
Kimmy: When will that closet special be on, Mr. Tanner?
Danny: I’ll let you know, Kimmy. Thanks for asking.
D.J.: Amazing. That guy looks just like my Dad.
In the kitchen
D.J.: Dad, why did you hide in the closet? That’s the first place everyone looks.
Danny: I wasn’t hiding, I was trying to leave. D.J., do you remember that speech I gave you about parents making mistakes? You wanna hear it again? Look, I just want you to know that I’m not gonna see Linda while she’s your teacher. And I’m really sorry, again, that I embarrassed you, again. But I think we should talk about what started this whole mess.
D.J.: That you wouldn’t get my grade changed?
Danny: You know you deserved that D.
D.J.: All right. Maybe I just sort of gave up. But let’s face it, I’m no good in Spanish.
Danny: Hold it, Deej. Come here. Look….Honey, I understand it’s frustrating. So many things come so easily to you. But not everything will. And if you give up on something just because it’s difficult, you’re gonna miss out on a lot that’s valuable. There’s no better feeling than conquering something that’s really hard for you. You know what I mean?
D.J.: Yeah. But what if I work as hard as I can and I still can’t get an A?
Danny: Then I’ll be proud of you for working as hard as you can.
D.J.: Okay, I’ll try.
D.J.: That’s “grecies.” You’re a pedre muy bueno. That means you’re a great dad.
Jesse: Come on, Stef. I can’t take the silence. Please. I miss the old chatterbox.
Joey: Let’s hear a little chatter.
Stephanie: Are you sure?
D.J.: Yeah, are you guys sure?
Danny: We wanna hear everything that happened today.
D.J.: I think I’ll go do my Spanish homework.
Stephanie: Okay, boys, have a seat. Okay. This morning Mr. Gibbler ran his car over a garbage can…then got TV dinner trays all over the street.
Jesse: You don’t say.
Stephanie: I do say. Then I saw a dog that looked just like a lion. I thought it really was a lion. Then Mrs. Norton hit it on the head with a newspaper. And then it barked, so I was pretty sure it was a dog.
Stephanie: Would I make that up? Did you hear what happened to Virginia Gauding? She got tsS from the tooth fairy. Must have been a big tooth. Are my teeth too small, or do I have a cheap tooth fairy?