In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

D.J.: Now, you’re never too young to learn who’s cute and who’s not. Now, Michelle, this is George Michael.
Michelle: Cute.
D.J.: He was cute when he was with Wham! He’s graduated to rad.
Michelle: Rad.
D.J.: Now, this is Michael J. Fox. The bad news is he’s married. The good news is he’s our size. Now, out of all these pictures, pick the cutest guy.
Michelle: Big Bird.
D.J.: Big Bird? No one even knows if he’s a guy.

In the kitchen

Danny: Oh, good work, Michelle. I am very proud of you. Now. Honey, now I’m gonna teach you the Tanner family motto: “Clean is good and dirt is bad.”
Michelle: Dirt bad.
Danny: The future is in good hands. Stop! I just finished cleaning the floors.
Jesse: Something to think about. If you hang a vine up here, we can swing in like Tarzan.
Joey: We’re trapped.
Jesse: No, no, we’re not. Observe, Joseph.
Joey: Jess, don’t get any dirt on the paper towels.
Jesse: “Dirt on the paper towels. Dirt on the paper towels.”
Danny: Look at those nutty guys, Michelle. If it wasn’t for me, they would never have met. Now, they’re inseparable. Isn’t life ironic?
Michelle: Yup.
D.J.: Dad, we’re home.
Michelle: Stop! Dirt bad.
D.J.: No. Dad taught Michelle the Tanner family motto.
Danny: Deej, I’m working on a new Tanner family motto: “Don’t make fun of Dad until you can afford your own apartment.” Okay, here we go, Michelle. Good girl. Okay. These are for you.
Stephanie: Harry, let’s do our math homework.
Harry: Forget it. I can’t learn subtraction. I’m gonna quit school and join the Boy Scouts.
Stephanie: I don’t want my boyfriend to be a first-grade dropout. How embarrassing.
D.J.: Okay, look. You have four oranges. And then you take away two. How many do you have left?
Harry: Two.
D.J.: That’s subtraction. Very good, Harry.
Harry: Thanks, D.J. You’re the smartest woman in the world.
Stephanie: Oh, yeah, four minus two. Real genius.
Harry: D.J., can you tell me where babies come from?
D.J.: Harry, stick to fruit.

In Joey’s bedroom

Joey: Here we go. Our first cup of coffee in our new office.
Jesse: All right, Joseph, here’s to Double J Creative Services.
Joey: Boy, next time, we gotta remember to plug that coffee machine in.
Jesse: All right, Joseph, now that your room is our office, we have to do a little redecoration in this joint. Look at this place, you got hockey dummies, you got puppets nailed to the wall, you got Mr. Potato Head here.
Joey: Come on, it makes the room fun.
Jesse: Fun? Joey, this is not fun to me. It’s like working in Pee-wee’s PIeyhouse.
Joey: That’s right, boys and girls. And today’s secret word is “office.”
Jesse: Joey, I’m seri–I’m serious.
Joey: I know you are, but what am I?
Jesse: All right! I give up with you.
Danny: I like what you’ve done with your office.
Joey: “Office!”
Jesse: Joseph, you are a knucklehead.
Joey: Oh, come on, now. Cut it out.
Danny: Hey, Joey, it’s Jesse’s turn to babysit tonight. Why don’t we eat in Chinatown and catch a movie?
Joey: Sounds great. Why don’t we pick up some pizza first and play some pool.
Stephanie: Hello. Hi, man. Hold on. Jesse.
Jesse: Well, it looks like we found ourselves a secretary. Thank you, Michelle. Hello. Double J Creative Services, J speaking. Joey, it’s the boss. Yes, sir. What’s up, Mr. Malatesta? Oh, no. Oh, no.
Joey: What’s wrong?
Jesse: We got a major crisis with the Chippy Chunk-Nut cookie account. They found more chunk-nuts than chippys in the chocolates, so all the chewy chippy chunk-nuts have to be called Nutty-Chewy Chunk Chips.
Joey: How can they do that?
Danny: How can they say that?
Jesse: Yes, sir. We’ll take care of it. Thank you, sir. Well, partner, looks like we’re gonna work tonight.
Joey: Sorry, Danny.
Danny: I’m sorry too. I been looking forward to this for at least 30 seconds.
Joey: Hey, why don’t we hang out tomorrow?
Danny: Tomorrow’s bad. I’m supposed to go over next week’s shows with Rebecca. I got an idea. I’ll just ask her to move it to Sunday. Why don’t we go to the gym, shoot hoops like the old days.
Joey: Sounds great. Same stakes?
Danny: Yep. Loser does the other guy’s homework.
Danny: I’ll get it.
Jesse: We have a secretary now, remember?
Stephanie: Hi, man. Bye, man.
Jesse: That’s it, young lady. You’re fired. Pack up and get out of our office.
Joey: “Office!”

In the living room

D.J.: Mail call.
Stephanie: Anything for me?
D.J.: Oh, let’s see. Resident, that’s for you. Occupant, that’s for you. Detergent sample?
D.J. & Stephanie: That’s for Dad.
Harry: Hi, ladies.
D.J.: Hi, Harry.
Stephanie: Oh, Harry. An ” l love you”lollipop. You are so sweet.
Harry: Thank you. It’s for D.J.
Stephanie: You’re in love with D.J.? Harry Takayama! How can this be true?
Harry: Sorry, chief, but ever since yesterday, all I wanna do is subtract. Wanna have lunch tomorrow?
D.J.: Thanks for asking Harry, but lucky for me, I’m having lunch with Kimmy tomorrow.
Harry: No problem. I’ll bring a friend. We’ll double. See you, honey.
D.J.: Oh, Harold, honey? Harold?
Harry: Bye, chief.
Stephanie: Don’t call me chief. You rat! You skunk! You skunky rat! You stole my man.
D.J.: Man? I have Ken dolls bigger than him.

In the gym

Joey: Danny, come on. Gumby doesn’t stretch as much as you do.
Danny: Proper warm-up prevents injury. Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go. Play ball. All right.
Joey: Hey, look, the girls’ locker room is open.
Danny: The only reason I still fall for that is because of the one time it was open.
Joey: Okay, your ball out.
Danny: Okay.
Joey: Look, a glacier passed by the window.
Danny: Isn’t this great? It’s just like the old days. I’m still taller than you. Remember the last time we played? July 29th, 1912. It was raining. You got mad because I fouled you with my umbrella.
Jesse: Joseph.
Joey: Hey, Jess, what’s up?
Danny: Guys, we’re in the middle of a game.
Joey: Traveling. My ball.
Jesse: Great news. We saved the cookie account.
Joey: That is great news.
Jesse: Danny, my mom’s watching the girls. I’m going to Hippo’s. A bunch of us are gonna celebrate turning Chippy Chunk-nuts into Nutty-Chewy Chunk Chips.
Joey: I’m your partner. I’m going with you.
Jesse: Bye, Danny.
Joey: Jess, I promised Danny that I’d play basketball–
Danny: No, no. Don’t let me ruin your fun. Go, party with strangers.
Joey: Hold on. Danny, we’ll play sudden death. We’ll finish the game. Next basket wins.
Danny: Thanks for squeezing me in, pal.
Jesse: Hurry up, Joey. I’ll wait for you.
Joey: All right. Here we go. Foul. On the big man. I got wristing.
Danny: Wristing? What the heck is wristing?
Joey: You hit me on the wrist. Got a better name for it?
Danny: I hit all ball. Jesse, you saw it. Did I wrist him?
Jesse: You did hit him on the wrist. If there is such a thing as wristing, I’d have to say you wristed him.
Danny: Okay, fine. Take his side. What else is new? Thanks for the game. Nice hanging out. Real quality time.
Joey: Danny, we’ll play later. What’s the big deal?
Danny: If I have to explain it to you, I don’t know why we were friends in the first place.
Joey: Danny, you’re acting like a little kid.
Danny: I am not. Now, give me back my ball.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Michelle: Hi, D.J.
D.J.: Michelle, what are you doing in here?
Michelle: I don’t know.
Stephanie: Here’s the rest of your stuff, Michelle. Thanks for switching rooms with me.
D.J.: Stephanie, there’s no way I’m sharing a room with a 2-year-old.
Stephanie: There’s no way I’m sharing a room with a no-good, skunky, ratty, rotten, lame-oid boyfriend-stealer.
D.J.: Would you get off this? Harry’s a first-grade kid with a crush on an attractive older woman.
Stephanie: Watch out, Michelle. She’ll be your best buddy until you’ve got something she wants. And then nothing is safe.
D.J.: Michelle, don’t believe her. You know you can trust me.
Michelle: My bunny.

In the living room

Joey: Well, it had to happen. The vacuum cleaner finally turned on him. Danny, what’s going on with you? Why’d you walk off the court today? Oh, no, you don’t. Don’t give me the vacuum treatment.
Danny: Never pull my plug when I’m cleaning.
Joey: Never point your finger at me unless I have food on my face.
Danny: Never tell me what to do–
Jesse: Fred, Ethel. Are you guys gonna let a basketball game break up a 20-year friendship?
Danny: The only reason we became friends was because the day we met, I saved his butt.
Joey: You got that all backwards, jack. I saved your butt.
Danny: Excuse me, but if my memory serves me, and it always does, it happened exactly like this. We were in the fifth grade. We just finished lunch. I remember, it was macaroni and cheese and Jell-O cubes. Wait a second, I traded the Jell-O cubes for succotash. I don’t like Jell-O cubes. The pieces of fruit get stuck in your teeth.
Jesse: Just tell the story, huh?
Danny: Okay. The year was 1968. We were sitting out in front of school on a bench. My nose was bleeding again.

In the school yard

Borland: Off to a bad start at your new school, Joseph Gladstone. Clowns belong in the circus, not in the schoolyard. Now, unless you wanna be suspended on your first day, sit right here and don’t move a muscle. How’s that nosebleed, Daniel?
Danny: Clotting nicely. Thank you, Miss Borland.
Jesse: Who wants a kiss?
Kid: What’s the matter? Doofy Danny got a boo-boo?
Danny: You threw the ball at my head when I wasn’t looking.
Kid: Well, you’re looking now. Made you flinch.
Joey: Hey, I like your hair.
Kid: Thanks.
Joey: Who cuts it, Roto-Rooter?
Kid: Oh, yeah?
Joey: Good comeback. Is that your head, or did your neck blow a bubble? Thank you, thank you. Cut it out.
Danny: Where’d you get all those great jokes?
Joey: This book, A Thousendend One InsuIts. Pretty groovy, huh?
Jesse: Hey, one at a time.
Kid: There’s the kid who was picking on me.
Borland: That’s it. I’m calling your parents.
Joey: But–
Danny: Wait, Miss Borland. That boy’s lying. Joseph has been a perfect angel.
Kid: Tanner’s the liar.
Borland: That’s not possible. Daniel Tanner’s never been in trouble a day in his life. Let’s you and I visit the principal, Sheldon.
Danny & Joey: Sheldon?
Joey: Thanks, man. You saved my life.
Danny: You saved me first.
Joey: We saved each other. That means we’re soul brothers. To make it official, we each have to bury something real important to us.
Danny: Bury something? Won’t we get dirty? It’s okay, I’ll be careful.
Joey: Good. Let’s do the soul shake.
Borland: Until you learn to stop chasing the girls, Jesse Katsopolis, you’re gonna sit right here with me.
Jesse: Have mercy.

In the living room

Jesse: I remember that teacher. I used to have fantasies about Miss Borland dancing on teugh-In with “Sock it to me” painted on her tummy. Sorry. That was a beautiful story. You guys were there for each other.
Danny: Were there for each other.
Joey: I should have let Sheldon cream you.
Jesse: Come on, guys, don’t you realize how lucky you are? I wish I had one good friend all these years. You have history. You guys buried something together. You’re soul brothers.
Danny: All in the past. I’m gonna go dig up that box we buried because I don’t want my stuff resting next to yours for all eternity.
Joey: I’m going with you because I want my stuff too and I don’t remember where we buried it.
Danny: Well, that just says it all.
Jesse: Miss Borland. I wonder if I still have her number.

In the hallway

D.J.: Sorry, Michelle, but you can’t live here. Now, go back to your room.
Stephanie: No, this is my room. You live with D.J. now.
D.J.: Michelle, don’t listen to her. Go back to your room.
Michelle: What a day.
Harry: Hi, Steph. Hi, honey.
Stephanie: Your boyfriend’s here.
D.J.: He is not my boyfriend. All I did was teach him how to subtract.
Stephanie: You hypnotized him with oranges and you put him in a love trance.
Jesse: Enough of this. Everybody step into my room. We’re gonna play a game of Juniortove Connection. Come on.
Stephanie: I’d rather play Divorce Court.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Jesse: Michelle, what are you doing? Don’t read my mail. That’s personal. What am I saying? All right. Come on, now. You go to your own little room, okay?
Michelle: What room?
Jesse: First she reads my mail, then she gives me lip. Come on, get out of here. All right. D.J., Harry, come here. Now, D.J., as nicely as you can tell Harry how you really feel about him.
D.J.: Kid, you don’t have a prayer.
Jesse: Nicer, huh?
D.J.: Look, Harry, don’t blow a good thing. You already have a great girl right here, Stephanie Tanner.
Harry: Sorry, chief. Forgive me?
Stephanie: In your dreams.
Jesse: What Harry is trying to say is: “l’ve made a big mistake The biggest mistake of my life. Come on, chief. Don’t forget the good old days. Kindergarten. Please, I’m begging you. Take me back. Take me back.”
D.J.: “Oh, Harry, I forgive you.”
Jesse: “l’m so happy. Shake.” There you go.
Stephanie:Okay, you’re my boyfriend again.
Harry: Great. What was that for?
Stephanie: You’re it!
D.J.: Love is weird.
Jesse: Trust me, babe. It gets a lot weirder.

In the yard

Joey: Danny, come on, you dig slower than you play basketball. There goes that glacier again.
Danny: You think you can do better? Here. You dig.
Joey: Okay. I hit something.
Danny: I don’t believe this. This is it. Oh, man. It’s my old Giants cap.
Joey: My very first insult book.
Danny: What’s this?
Joey: That’s the pledge. I forgot all about this. “This is to prove that on February 23rd, 1968, we pledge on our most sacred possessions to be soul brothers for life even if one guy moves real far away. Right on. Get down. Stay funky.” Signed, Daniel Ernest Tanner and Joseph Alvin Gladstone.
Danny: We have horrible middle names.
Joey: The worst. But we kept this pledge, didn’t we?
Danny: It’s amazing. When we were growing up, man, we did everything together.
Joey: We’re still doing everything together.
Danny: Yeah, but, Joey, it’s not the same. I feel really stupid saying this but ever since you and Jesse became good buddies, and now you’re partners, I don’t know, I feel left out.
Joey: Is that what this is all about? Why didn’t you just tell me this in the first place?
Danny: I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m glad you and Jesse are friends. I just miss the way our friendship used to be.
Joey: Danny, I live in your house. I’m helping you raise your girls. I’ve always been your best friend, I’ll always be your best friend. Says so right here in the pledge.
Danny: I’ve been acting like a jerk.
Joey: No. Yes, you have. But you had a good reason. Danny, I’m sorry I’ve been taking our friendship for granted. But just remember this: No matter what happens, we’re always there for each other. What do you say we bury this stuff again and come back when we’re old and dig it up.
Danny: Yeah. By then I’ll be so shriveled up, this cap might fit me. Okay. Here’s my cap.
Joey: My book.
Danny: The pledge. Wait a minute. Something’s missing here.
Jesse: You guys are nuts. I had to stash the girls at the Gibblers’ rush down here just to bring you my blow dryer? Joey: Sorry, we needed your most prized possession.
Danny: Sign here.
Jesse: “This is to prove that Danny T., Joey G. and Jesse K. are official soul brothers, pals and best friends forever.” You don’t have to do this. This is your thing.
Danny: Now, it’s our thing.
Joey: We’re all in this together.
Jesse: Thank you, guys. I’m touched. But my blow dryer?  All right. But if my hair looks like hell tomorrow, I’m digging that thing up.
Joey: Now, we gotta do the official soul-brother handshake.
Jesse: Guys, isn’t this a little silly?
Danny: We could all hug.
Jesse: Let’s do the shake.
Danny: Okay. Watch.