In the living room
D.J.: All right. Way to go, Michelle. What an athlete.
Stephanie: D.J ., what’s the big deal? We’re holding her hands.
D.J.: I’m building her confidence.
Stephanie: This is a waste of time. She’s 2 years old . I didn’t skate till I was 4.
Stephanie: She’s lying about her age.
In Jesse’s bedroom
Jesse: Joseph, Joseph, Joseph. We need something to give this jingle some pizzazz, you know? Sammy.
Joey: We’ll both do it. We’ll give them a Sammy double whammy.
Jesse: That’s good thinking, man. Kind of a dueling Sammy. (singing)Shop fast
Joey: (singing)Shop smart
Jesse: (singing)Shop around the clock at
Jesse & Joey: (singing)And I mean that, babe
Jesse: It loses it without the real Sammy. We gotta have this thing done by tomorrow. How long before the girls come home?
Joey: Well, at the stroke of 3, we turn back into housewives.
Jesse: All right, quick. What comes to your mind when I say “24-hour convenience store”?
Joey: Six dollars for a loaf of bread.
Jesse: That’s not a catchy jingle. All right, think. Now, Hurry-Mart has everything you need on your way home.
Joey: Kind of like the old general store.
Jesse: Yes–That’s it. That’s it. “Hurry-Mart: The Great American General Store.”
Joey: I love it. Kind of like a “Little Mini-Mart on the Prairie.”
Jesse: If you will, yes. All right, how much time do we have left?
D.J. & Stephanie: Hi.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, it’s your day to drive the Honeybee carpool. We can’t “bee”late.
Jesse: I’m ready to buzz out of here.
D.J.: Joey, will you help me with my karate?
Joey: Sure. Go for it. I pity the guy who tries to attack you with a pencil.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, will you teach me an Elvis song for the Honeybee talent show?
Jesse: I’d be happy to help you out, little mama.
Stephanie: Thank you very much. You’re beautiful, uncle.
Jesse: No, get the Honey collar up, get the lip up. Go ahead. Try it again.
Stephanie: Thank you very much . You’re beautiful, uncle.
In the kitchen
Jesse: Come on, phone, ring.
Jesse: Not you, the telephone, huh?
Joey: Well, I finally cleaned under my bed.
Jesse: Joey, the ad agency was supposed to call at 1 :30. It is now 1:32. They must’ve hated our jingle.
Joey: Relax, it’s obvious what happened. They liked it so much they threw a party and lost all track of time.
Jesse: What’s obvious is, when you were a baby, somebody played the bongos on your soft spot. You live in a dream world .
Joey: Give me a hand with these. They’re heavy.
Jesse: All right, hurry up, now. Michelle, take a walk with us. She locked us out. Come on, Michelle. Open the door.
Joey: Turn the little thingy on the handle.
Jesse: Come on. This is not funny. Open the door. Get the phone.
Michelle: Hi, man .
Jesse: Michelle, it’s the ad agency. Take a message. Grab a pencil on the desk.
Joey: Oh, and I live in a dream world?
Michelle: Joey, bye-bye.
Joey: No. Joey, here-here.
Michelle: Bye, man.
Joey: She’s going to the front door.
Jesse & Joey: Michelle!
Danny: Hi, Michelle. Where’s Joey and Uncle Jesse?
Danny: When did you learn to say “patio”?
Danny: When did you learn to say “Sunday”?
Jesse & Joey: Michelle!
Jesse: Come on, please open the door. If you open, I’ll give you a cookie and a kiss. Yes.
Danny: Where’s my kiss and cookie?
Jesse: I’ll get the cookie. I’ll get it. Hello. Mr. Malatesta. You just called? We gotta get a new answering service. They bought our jingle, Joseph !
Jesse: All right! That’s awfully good news, sir. Okay. Great. We’ll be down there. Thank you, sir.
Joey: Thank you, sir.
Jesse: All right, Joseph, go get ready.
Danny: Somebody still owes me a kiss. Thanks. I was hoping it would be you.
In the office
Malatesta: There they are. Very fine work, gentlemen.
Joey: Thank you, sir.
Jesse: Thank you, Mr. Malatesta.
Joey: You really liked our jingle?
Malatesta: No, I like my wife. I love the jingle. It’s so catchy.
Malatesta, Jesse & Joey: (singing)Hurry-Mert The Great American General Store
Jesse: Yeah .
Malatesta: How would you guys like to take that jingle and turn it into a whole campaign?
Joey: You want us to do a whole commercial? The dialogue, concept, the whole deal?
Malatesta: Exactly. I want this commercial to be the best you’ve ever come up with.
Jesse: No problem there. We’ve never come up with one before.
Malatesta: I have faith in you guys. You’ve sold us three jingles in a row. If you do well on this one, I’m gonna offer you a full-time job.
Jesse: Thank you, sir. Come on, Joseph. We’ll be back next week with brilliance.
Malatesta: No, no, wait. We’ve got a presentation to put together. We pitch it to the client tomorrow.
Jesse: Pitch it to the–
Malatesta: Come on, guys. Right this way. Right over here. Make yourselves at home.
Jesse: Thank you. Come on.
Malatesta: You like the office?
Joey: No, we like your wife. We love the office.
Malatesta: You like–
Jesse: What’s with this guy?
In the living room
Danny: Yeah, don’t worry, Jesse. I’ll cover for you with the girls.
D.J.: Dad, could you raise it a little higher?
Danny: Honey, I’ll be off the phone in a minute. Just practice your scary faces. So, hey, Jess, if you guys get stuck and need any help with funny ideas for your commercial, I could– Hello? Hello?
Stephanie: Where’s Uncle Jesse? He’s supposed to teach me an Elvis song for the Honeybee talent show.
Danny: Girls, Uncle Jesse and Joey are stuck at work.
Stephanie: But the Honeybee talent show is tomorrow. I don’t know whether to curl my hips or wiggle my lips or what.
D.J.: And tomorrow’s my test for my green belt. I need help with my karate.
Danny: Nobody panic. I am gonna teach you how to do Elvis and I’m gonna teach you how to do karate. Because Elvis did karate. Watch this. Thank you very much.
Stephanie: That was Elvis?
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: Dad, are you okay?
Danny: Too much Elvis. I’m down at the end of Backache Street, at Bengay Hotel.
D.J. & Stephanie: Hello.
Joey: Sorry we’re home so late.
D.J.: That’s okay, Dad helped me practice my karate.
Stephanie: And he taught me to do Elvis.
Danny: Just taking care of business. How was your day at work?
Joey: The boss loved our ideas.
Jesse: Tomorrow we’re gonna pitch our commercial to the client. If they like it and everything goes well, we got a shot at a full-time job.
Danny: That’s great. Isn’t that great, girls?
D.J.: I think so.
Stephanie: I guess.
Danny: Sure it is.
Jesse: Good night, girls.
Stephanie: Good night.
Danny: You know, this is so amazing. When you guys moved in here, you didn’t even like each other. And now you might be working together full-time. This is one of the happiest days of my life. Pretty sad, isn’t it? Go to bed, girls.
Stephanie: Okay. Do you think they’re really gonna get a full-time job?
D.J.: It sounds like it to me. They were pretty excited.
Stephanie: But if Uncle Jesse, Joey and Daddy are all working who’s gonna take care of us?
In the office
Jesse: All right, everything is perfect. Joseph, we’ve come up with a great campaign. Just think about it, pal. Any moment, our future’s gonna come walking through that door.
Michelle: Hi, people.
Jesse: Michelle. Michelle, where’s Grandma?
Irene: She’s here. She just can’t walk as fast as a 2-year-old.
Jesse: What are you doing here?
Irene: I’m dropping the baby off like we agreed.
Jesse: The client is running late. Can you watch her a little longer, please?
Irene: No, I’m sorry, I gotta get to school. What a gorgeous office.
Irene: You boys are becoming so successful.
Jesse: Thank you.
Irene: I remember when Jesse was just a little pumpkin running around in his diapers. He had the cutest little tushy.
Jesse: Mother, please, you do this every time I get a new job. Do not grab my tushy at work. Goodbye.
Jesse: Okay. Joey, they’re coming. Do something with the kid.
Joey: Look. Here, Michelle, let’s play a little game of hide-and-seek. You go under the desk and hide, and at some point in the near future, we’ll come and seek you.
Jesse: Right. Okay. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Here we go, here we go. Ad boys.
Malatesta: Gladstone, Katsopolis. I’d like to introduce the vice president of marketing for Hurry-Mart, Edna Foley.
Edna: Hi, sorry, I’m late.
Malatesta: Gentlemen, it’s all yours.
Jesse: Thank you. All right. Edna, our goal here is to get people to associate Hurry-Mart with traditional American values. Our story begins with a typical American family, the Applebys. They’re taking a drive in their station wagon. You see Dad.
Joey: Hi there.
Jesse: Little Timmy.
Joey: Party, dude.
Jesse: Sister Susie. And, of course, lovable Scruffy. Down, Scruffy. Up ahead, a modern Hurry-Mart magically becomes the old general store. The friendly clerk greets them at the door. He looks like your grandpa. Grandpapa.
Joey: Right. Dagnab it, Pepino, look, it’s the Applebys. Howdy, folks.
Jesse: Inside, the Applebys go shopping. And….The little kids run around. See, there they are, running around. They’re running. Little kids are good little runners, aren’t they? They run. They run. Help me out, Joseph.
Joey: Look at those Applebys go.
Jesse: The family is driving away, waving goodbye to the friendly clerk. Even Scruffy barks “so long.”
Jesse: A stray cow wanders by. See? See? A stray cow wanders by. And as we bid a fond farewell to the Applebys and that unexpected, yet adorable little cow, we hear:
Jesse & Joey: (singing)Hurry-Mart The Great American General Store
Edna: I’m not sure how the cow fits in but I love the concept.
Malatesta: All right.
Edna: Dagnab it, Malatesta, you got yourself a new account.
Edna: And you better make sure these two are working on it.
Malatesta: Are you kidding? These are my boys. In fact, they just went to work for me full-time.
Edna: Smart move.
Malatesta: Come on, guys. We’ve got a strategy meeting to go to. You can put the stray cow back in her barn.
Jesse: Mr. Malatesta, there’s something you should know. This is not a stray cow. Joey and I have a baby.
Malatesta: Hey, your personal lives are none of my business.
Michelle: Dagnab it.
In the living room
Jesse: Joseph, a toast to our new careers.
Joey: This is the last time I buy champagne in a can.
Danny: Oh, you’re back. You guys missed a major banner Tanner day. I’d like to present San Francisco’s newest green belt, our own karate kid, D.J. Tanner. Show them some moves.
Danny: Come on, Deej, I spent a fortune on karate lessons. Give them a little: Well, with no further ado, the winner of the Golden Hive Award for Talent, the queen bee of rock and roll.
Stephanie: Thank you, boys. I’m gonna buy every one of you a Cadillac.
Jesse: Steph, you look great. How’d you do?
Stephanie: I was a hunk, a hunk of burning love.
Joey: We’re very sorry we missed you girls today.
Danny: That’s all right. I explained you had to work late again. But good news. I got it all on tape.
Jesse: Great. Joseph and I have a piece of good news ourselves. We landed a full-time job today.
Danny: That’s great! Way to go.
Joey: Aren’t you girls happy for us?
Jesse: Come on, girls, where’s our hug? This family hugs when the mail comes.
D.J.: How can you guys do this?
Stephanie: Yeah, what’s gonna happen to us? We’re gonna be all alone.
Danny: Girls, you know you’re always gonna be taken care of. This job is a big chance for Joey and Uncle Jesse. Think of all the things they’ve done for you. And not because they had to, but just because they love you.
Joey: We’re not gonna leave you, girls. We’ll still see you every morning before school.
Jesse: That’s right. And every day after work.
Joey: And every weekend.
Jesse: All federal holidays.
Stephanie: But it won’t be the same.
D.J.: You guys missed today. You missed everything yesterday.
Stephanie: Now, you’re gonna miss the whole rest of our lives.
D.J.: And we’d miss you so much.
In Joey’s bedroom
Jesse: All right, maybe there were a few things we didn’t consider when we took this job.
Joey: All right, Jess. Red checkers are reasons to keep the job, black checkers are reasons to quit.
Jesse: One major black checker is we get a lot of great things out of raising these kids. I never thought I’d say this before, but I dig being Mr. Mom.
Joey: I never thought I’d say this, but I think you look smashing in an apron.
Jesse: All right. Missing the girls is one good reason not to keep the job.
Joey: On the other hand, the job pays more money than we’ve ever seen in our lives and that is a major red checker.
Jesse: We wouldn’t just be writing jingles. We’ll come up with whole commercial campaigns. That’s a big step up. Plus, we like what we do. All right, red checker.
Joey: And it did feel great sitting in that big office, being out in the real world. King me.
Jesse: You got it. Well, it looks like we’re going to work.
Joey: I guess so.
Jesse: Joseph, there’s one thing I’m forgetting. My music. I mean, if we took this job, there wouldn’t be any time to write or play gigs. That’s a major part of my life. Stack a black.
Joey: And, hey, I’d have no time to work on my comedy. I mean, what good would this Bullwinkle voice be at the office? Black checker.
Jesse: All right, Joseph, really think about this. Now, are we…? Are we ready to give up our dreams?
Joey: I don’t want to.
Jesse: Neither do I.
Joey: But you have to admit, we’ve had more success in three months of advertising than of all those years in music and comedy.
Jesse: Red checker.
Joey: Red checker.
Jesse: Oh, boy.
Joey: You know, Jess, life is like a salad bar. You have all these great choices but you can’t help but think to yourself: “How often are they changing those beets?”
Danny: Hi, guys.
Jesse & Joey: Hi.
Danny: Somebody wants to say good night. Say “Good night, Joey.”
Michelle: Night, Joey.
Joey: Night-night, Michelle. Oh, I love you, Michelle. Black checker.
Danny: Say “Night-night, Jesse.”
Michelle: Night-night, Jesse.
Jesse: Night, Michelle.
Danny: Guys, I swear I didn’t do this to make you feel guilty. She really wanted to say good night.
Joey: Good night.
Jesse: Oh, boy.
In the office
Malatesta: You boys wanna see me about something?
Jesse: Yes, sir.
Joey: Sir, Jesse and I are having some second thoughts.
Jesse: Let me ask you something. Our job is to sit down and come up with brilliant ideas, right? So it wouldn’t matter where we’re sitting when we come up with these ideas, right?
Malatesta: Is this a trick question?
Jesse: No, no, no. The point is that it doesn’t really matter where we’re sitting. Okay, yeah, it was a trick question. Joey.
Joey: Sir, it would solve a lot of our problems if we could work at home.
Malatesta: Work at home?
Joey: Jesse and I have some dreams that we’re not ready to give up yet.
Jesse: And we have these kids we’d really miss.
Malatesta: Oh, right. The stray cow. Well, I suppose, I could hire you on a project-by-project basis. It’s a little unusual, but if working at home makes you happy. Although it would be inconvenient for me. I guess it’d be best for everyone concerned if you guys got out of here. To go home and go to work. I love you guys. It’s a deal. I got you. Did you see your face?
Jesse: Mr. Malatesta, these are our kids, and this is Danny–
Malatesta: Remember, your personal lives are none of my business.
Danny: We brought plants for your new office.
Jesse: All right, pack them in the car and take them home. That’s where we’re working from now on.
D.J. & Stephanie: All right!
D.J.: Did you guys quit your jobs for us?
Jesse: We didn’t quit. We arranged it so we could work at home.
Stephanie: Daddy, can you do your TV show at home?
Danny: No, honey. All those crew people would scuff up our floors. Unfortunately, most parents’ jobs aren’t that flexible.
Joey: Before we go home, you gotta check out this view.
Jesse: Yeah. Come here. Let’s see if we can find our house.
Danny: Come on, Michelle. It’s out there.
D.J.: Okay, wait.
Danny: Come on, Michelle.
D.J.: Wouldn’t it be over there? It’s great.
Joey: Wait till you see this.
Jesse: To your left. Michelle.
Danny: Michelle, open the door.
D.J.: Come on, open the door.