第31話「タナー家は大洪水」

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In the living room

Michelle: Stop.
Stephanie: Where you headed, toots?
Michelle: Kitchen.
Stephanie: Kitchen? Hop on. That’ll be 50 cents, please.

In the kitchen

Jesse: (singing)Okay, this crazy sock Goes with this wacky sock And this sock goes– Well, at least we came out even, Michelle.
Michelle: My sock.
Jesse: Oh, there it is. All right, where’s my sock, Poopy Longstockings?
Michelle: Sock bye-bye.
Jesse: “Sock bye-bye.”Come here, you.
Joey: Oh, yeah. Danny, if you guys get some matching outfits, you could go on Dence Fever.
Danny: Life is so beautiful. I met someone today at the market.
Jesse: Julio Iglesias?
Danny: Her name is Denise. We met in the produce section. She turned to me and said: “The broccoli looks fresh today.” And I looked deep into her eyes and I said, “lt’s a great source of fiber.” Next thing I knew, she was coming over here for dinner tonight.
Jesse: Hold it a second. You picked up a woman at the market?
Joey: That wasn’t on the shopping list.
Danny: Well, there’s just one little snag. Denise had dinner plans tonight with her two single friends, so I told her, “l’ve got two single roommates. Maybe–”
Jesse: I do not go on blind dates, capeesh?
Danny: Look, I’m not gonna beg you. Yes, I am. Please do this for me.
Jesse: Okay. I’ll do it if you stop hugging.
Danny: Thank you. You guys are the best.
Joey: Hey, Danny, why didn’t you beg me?
Danny: Joey–
Joey: Okay, I’ll do it.
Danny: Great. Okay, I’m with Denise. You guys are with Cheryl and Zoey.
Jesse: Zoey? She’s your date.
Joey: Hey, why do I get Zoey?
Jesse: Because Joey and Zoey. You already make a cute couple. All right, let’s make these girls something nice, huh? Michelle…do you happen to know how my sock got in the freezer, young lady?
Michelle: Joey.
Joey: Jess, she’s trying to frame me. Look at her shifty eyes.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

Danny: And I thought while Uncle Jesse, Joey and I are having our dinner party, you girls could stay with the Gibblers.
Stephanie: I hate going there. All they do is watch the Home Shopping Network.
D.J.: Dad, why don’t you let me babysit? It’s the perfect job for me.
Danny: D.J., babysitting is a big responsibility. But since I will be right downstairs, I suppose we can give it a try. Steph, you mind your big sister.
Stephanie: You can’t put D.J. in charge of me.
Danny: Why not?
Stephanie: Because when you’re around, she’s a sweet little angel. The minute you leave, it’s, “l’ll get you, my pretty.”
D.J.: Isn’t she precious? Dad, don’t worry. I’m ready for the responsibility, I’m ready to be in charge, and I’m ready for 3 dollars an hour.
Danny: You want me to pay you 3 dollars an hour to stay at home and spend an evening with your little sisters?
D.J.: Good point. Three fifty.
Danny: Two fifty.
D.J.: Deal.
Danny: Deal. Why do I feel like I’m raising a used-car salesman?
D.J.: I’ll get you, my pretty. And your little bear too.

In Danny’s bedroom

Danny: Thanks for going on these blind dates tonight.
Joey: Everything is gonna work out great.
Jesse: We’re there for you. And the important thing is that you have a good time.
Danny: Thanks. I can’t believe I really met a woman. I was charming, I asked her out, and she said yes. I was like a real guy, wasn’t I?
Jesse: Well, as opposed to an inflatable guy, I’d say yes. All right, open wide. Very good. It is a masterpiece. Check it out.
Danny: Oh, yeah. No wonder she digs me. I’m happening. You know, I’ve been thinking. Maybe it’s time to take my wedding ring off. What do you think?
Jesse: Well, it’s your decision.
Joey: Yeah, Jesse’s right.
Danny: Pam gave this ring to me 13 years ago. It’s like a part of me.
Jesse: I know my sister, and I know she’d want you to get on with your life.
Joey: Just because you start something new doesn’t make your memories any less special.
Danny: Thanks, guys. What would I do without you?
Jesse: Well, you’d be stuck with three dates tonight. Which wouldn’t be so bad.

In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom

D.J.: Kimmy, this babysitting job is such a piece of cake. I get paid $2.50 an hour for watching TV and having Stephanie wait on me hand and foot.
Stephanie: Okay, here’s your popcorn, your soda, TV Guide, extra napkins and salt.
D.J.: Thank you. Will you get my slippers for me, please?
Stephanie: Now the queen wants her slippers. We have to keep Her Majesty happy. Slippers.
D.J.: Aren’t you gonna put them on me?
Stephanie: I’m not touching your cootie feet.

In the living room

Jesse: Let me see.
Danny: The tie is fine?
Jesse: Everything looks good, you look good. Here we go.
Danny: Hi. Come on in. I’m Danny. You must be Cheryl and Zoey.
Zoey: Hi.
Cheryl: Hi.
Danny: Where’s Denise? She backed out, didn’t she? I knew it. Well, you guys have fun, I’ll just catch a movie or something.
Cheryl: Denise is just trying to find a parking space.
Danny: Oh, great. Park on the sidewalk!
Jesse: I’m Jesse.
Cheryl: I’m Cheryl.
Zoey: I’m Zoey.
Joey: I’m a happy camper. Zoey, what an unusual name. Are you one of Frank Zappa’s kids?
Zoey: I was named after my grandmother. It was her dying wish that her name live on.
Jesse: Well, this is going along swimmingly. Why don’t I jet into the kitchen and check on my cheese delights. Shall I? Excuse me. Joseph, you’re on a roll.
Danny: Denise.
Denise: Danny, hi. Oh, I brought you these.
Danny: A broccoli bouquet. You remembered our vegetable. Come on in. I’d like you to meet my best friend, Joey. Oh, and that’s my brother-in-law–
Denise: Jesse.
Jesse: Denise.
Denise: I never thought I’d see you again.
Danny: Have you two met?
Denise: Well, we were sort of involved a while back.
Danny: You’re that Denise?
Cheryl: This is the Jesse?
Zoey: The one you named your puppy after?
Jesse: Well, that’s all ancient history now. The important thing is that my brother-in-law and a dear old friend have stumbled upon each other and, frankly, don’t they make a cute couple? Saved by the cheese delights. Excuse me.
Joey: You’re on a roll, Jess.
Jesse: Shut up.

In the bath room

Stephanie: Come on, Michelle. Follow me. Who do we look like, Michelle?
Michelle: Daddy.
Stephanie: Now we’re gonna smell like Daddy.
D.J.: Freeze, nerdbombers. What are you doing dressed in Dad’s stuff?
Stephanie: I tried to stop her. Shame on you, Michelle.
D.J.: I can’t take my eye off you children for a minute. Okay, now, take all Dad’s stuff off now.
Stephanie: Okay, don’t have a hissy fit.
D.J.: Hey, that’s Dad’s watch. And his wedding ring. I’m in charge, and I say you’re both in really big trouble. Dad’s wedding ring went down the drain.

Stephanie: Okay, Michelle’s in bed. Did you get Daddy’s wedding ring out of the drain yet?
D.J.: No, but I got a plan. If I stick this gum to the end of a tie, I’ll just stuff the tie down the drain and when the ring sticks to the gum, I’ll pull it up and voila’.
Stephanie: You’re gonna ruin Dad’s tie.
D.J.: The ring is more important than the tie. You’re so dumb.
Stephanie: I’m dumb? Who knocked the ring down the drain, Miss Rocket Scientist?
D.J.: Okay, wait. I think I got it. Oh, no. It’s stuck.
Stephanie: Well, I’d say the day’s about shot. Good night.
D.J.: Freeze. I have to take this sink apart, and you have to help me get Dad’s toolbox.
Stephanie: If I help you, will you let me stay up late and do whatever I want?
D.J.: Sure, why not? I’ll never be in charge again.

In the kitchen

Danny: Thank you.
Jesse: Well, doesn’t that look like a Hallmark card, huh?
Joey: Jess, this looks great. You’re the king of blackened swordfish.
Jesse: Thank you, Joseph.
Denise: I remember the first time we ate blackened swordfish. That weekend in New Orleans.
Danny: You’re that Denise too?
Jesse: Help me out here, will you?
Joey: Yeah, she’s that Denise too. Oh, I got you. Does anybody here like impressions?
Cheryl: Oh, I love impressions.
Jesse: Oh, he’s great.
Joey: Thanks, Jess. This is kind of a weird one. This Jimi Hendrix on guitar. Here we go.
Zoey: Jimi Hendrix was a great artist who lived a tortured and tragic life.
Stephanie: Hi, I’m Stephanie Judith Tanner. I live upstairs.
Danny: Then why aren’t you upstairs living?
Stephanie: Because I came down to teach you a new song I learned in school today. Come on, everybody.
Jesse: Okay–

In the bath room

D.J.: Okay. Now, this has to be the right pipe. Now, when the ring falls out, catch it. Are you ready?
Stephanie: I’m ready, D.J.
D.J.: Okay. Did you catch the ring?
Stephanie: Did I catch the ring? Do I look like I caught the ring?
D.J.: Do you know how to turn this off?
Stephanie: Another stupid question.
D.J.: Well, get me something tocatch the water in!
Stephanie: Got it. Here.
D.J.: Great. It’s working. But it’s filling up fast. Get me something bigger.
Stephanie: Got it.
D.J.: This is worth more than $2.50 an hour.
Stephanie: Here’s a big bowl.
D.J.: It’s full of popcorn. Stephanie, just throw it away.
Stephanie: Now what?
D.J.: Just get rid of the water.
Stephanie: I did it.
D.J.: You did nothing. What are we gonna do?
Stephanie: Let’s get into our bathing suits.

In the kitchen

Zoey: Danny, your water pressure’s a little low.
Danny: That should be my only problem.
Jesse: I’ll give you this.
Danny: Hi.
Denise: Hi. I’ll be in the living room.
Danny: Jess, is there any woman in this city you haven’t dated?
Jesse: Danny, Denise and I are over, done with. She came because you two had a magical moment in the produce department.
Danny: You really think so?
Jesse: Yes, of course. She brought you a bouquet of broccoli. No woman’s ever brought me broccoli. Now, you get your fanny in there, and you turn on that vegetable charm. Get them, champ. Cheryl, can I give you a hand with those glasses?
Cheryl: Denise is my best friend.
Jesse: I’m sorry, I was way out of line for asking, excuse me.

In the living room

Danny: Listen, Denise. I know this must be kind of awkward with Jesse and all. It is for me.
Denise: Danny, I am so sorry. I’m not being fair to you. I’m just gonna put Jesse out of my mind. I came over here tonight because I thought you were sweet and charming.
Danny: Now what do you think?
Denise: I still think you’re sweet and charming.
Danny: That is so sweet and charming of you to say that I’m sweet and charming.
Denise: Danny– What?
Danny: I cut my lip on your earring.
Denise: Danny, I’m so sorry. I just can’t stop thinking about Jesse.
Danny: No, it’s okay. It’s my fault. I have very bad eye-to-lip coordination. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go into the kitchen and clot.

In the kitchen

Danny: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Joey: How’d it go?
Danny: I cut my lip kissing Denise.
Jesse: That girl’s a wild animal.
Danny: I missed her lips and kissed her earring. Jess, she’s still hung up on you.
Jesse: I’m sorry, Danny.
Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, my date hates my guts.
Jesse: I promise you, next time it’s gonna go smooth sailing, okay? Can’t sail without water.

In the bath room

D.J.: Switch!
Stephanie: D.J., how long do we have to do this? My fingers look like little pink raisins.
D.J.: Dad, everything is under control.
Danny: Everything’s under control? Everything’s underwater.
D.J.: Yay! How’d you do that?
Jesse: I just turned the water valve off, girls.
Stephanie:
Let’s remember that for next time.
Joey: You kids have been watching too much DoubIe Dere.
Stephanie: Don’t look at me. She’s the babysitter.
D.J.: Dad, I’m really sorry. I accidentally dropped your wedding ring down the drain.
Danny: My wedding ring? All right. Everybody out of the pool.

In the hallway

Danny: Excuse me. I need a minute alone with my daughter.
D.J.: Nice to meet you.
Stephanie: I think I’m gonna tuck myself right into bed and get a full night’s sleep. I’m the good daughter.
Joey: I’ll take care of Michelle. My guess is she’s wet too.
Cheryl: Oh, let me help you, I love babies.
Denise: Jesse, could I talk to you for a minute?
Jesse: Sure. Excuse us.

In Jesse’s bedroom

Denise: You know, maybe all this is happening so that we could have a second chance.
Jesse: You know, Danny really likes you.
Denise: Jesse, I can’t believe you didn’t feel anything when you saw me tonight.
Jesse: Look, the timing’s all off between us. And if it doesn’t work out with you and Danny, that’s okay but I don’t wanna be the reason.
Denise: I understand. It just wasn’t meant to be. But I just have one question.
Jesse: Oh, yeah, what’s that?
Denise: Why are you living in a room with so many little pink bunnies?
Jesse: Well, I started off with two, and then….

In Michelle’s bedroom

Joey: Look, Animal, isn’t Michelle cute? Okey-dokey, Kermit.
Cheryl: How adorable.
Joey: Oh, did you hear that, Michelle? She thinks you’re adorable.
Cheryl: I was talking about you.
Joey: Did you hear that, Michelle? She thinks I’m adorable.
Michelle: Pretty.
Joey: Yes, she’s very pretty.

In Danny’s bedroom

D.J.: I felt so bad about losing your ring. I know I should’ve come to you in the first place, but I panicked. I learned a good lesson in responsibility.
Danny: Well, okay. Don’t let it happen again.
D.J.: Wait a minute. “Don’t let it happen again”? That’s the worst dad speech I’ve ever heard.
Danny: I’m sorry, Deej. Not that you don’t deserve a good dad speech, I’ve just had a horrible night. Denise and I didn’t hit it off. I guess I’m just not the dating type.
D.J.: That’s not true. You’re tall, you’re smart, and you’re handsome. Dad, you’re a fox. And if some girl’s too dumb to see that, then you don’t want her anyway.
Danny: Thanks, Deej. That’s the best daughter speech I’ve ever heard.
Zoey: I found your ring.
D.J.: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, good night, Dad. By the way, about my babysitting money? Forget the tip.
Danny: Thank you. This means a lot to me. How did you find it?
Zoey: Oh, it was on the floor. I just went in to clean up. You see, I can’t stand a messy bathroom.
Danny: Really? I love that in a woman.

In the living room

Danny: Here we go.
Denise: Well, Danny, thanks for a nice evening.
Danny: You’re very welcome. Nice meeting you. Bye-bye.
Cheryl: It was nice to meet you too.
Jesse: Denise, I’m glad you and I finally got to say goodbye as friends.
Denise: Me too, Jesse. Thanks.
Joey: I really enjoyed meeting you.
Cheryl: Same here. You were a lot of fun.
Joey: You’re a lot of fun too.
Danny: Remember, always presoak your fine washables.
Zoey: In tepid water.
Danny: Have mercy.
Zoey: Call me.
Cheryl: Call me too.
Joey: Okay. Goodbye.
Cheryl: Goodbye.
Denise: Jesse…don’t call me.
Danny: And you guys were worried the blind dates wouldn’t work out.
Joey: Hey, the night turned out great. Bathroom’s still a mess.
Danny: I’ll handle it, boys. I’m feeling so good, I might just clean the whole house.
Joey: Well, Jess, I gotta go catch that girl.




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