In Michelle’s bedroom
Danny: Do more, Michelle.
Jesse: Dip it in there. Put it in and blow it.
Joey: Here goes a double.
Jesse: Watch how I do it. Take it up . Now, blow it.
Danny: Wait. Watch how big mine is.
Danny: I got bubbles till they turn–
Jesse: Look out! Watch this, Joey.
Danny: Look at all these bubbles. Wait a minute. Look at this one.
Jesse: Watch .
Jesse: Watch this. Watch how many I can do.
D.J.: Now, boys, I don’t mind you playing but I hope you finished your homework.
Danny: Yeah, we finished our homework.
Joey: One more time.
In the kitchen
Danny: Okay, Michelle, Daddy is gonna make a home video of you to show all the nice viewers oft Wake Up, San Francisco. All right, when I say action, you walk over to the table and you show everybody how you eat like a big girl. All right, Michelle?
Danny: Okay, now, go to the table. And action. No, no. No horsey. No horsey, honey. Sit at the table. The table. The table.
Danny: Okay, fine. We’ll make it a Western. All right. Okay, can you say, “Yippie-yayo-kayay”?
Stephanie: Daddy, Daddy, guess what. I did 103 Hula-Hoops at school today!
Harry: It was awesome.
Stephanie & Harry: One, two, three, four, five–
Danny: Stephanie. Honey, I’m very happy for you but right now I’m busy making a movie about your adorable little sister.
Stephanie: Daddy, I can be adorable too. One, two, three, four, five, six….
Danny: Stephanie, I’m very sorry, but this tape is just about Michelle. I’ll watch you later.
In Joey’s bedroom
Jesse: Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Don’t worry, Mr. Dreyer. You’re gonna have the Sweat World health club jingle first thing tomorrow morning just like we promised. Yes, sir. How’s it coming along? We got a barrel full of good ideas. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I gotta– I gotta go. Yeah. Another great idea just hit me. Okay. Yes, sir. I promise, tomorrow morning you’ll– Joseph. You’ll have jingle magic. Yes, sir. Bye-bye. Joseph, you are so immature!
Joey: I’m sorry, Jess. I’m just frustrated. We gotta get this jingle. Okay, what’s the problem? I’m a funny guy….It must be you.
Jesse: This is no time to start turning on each other. Now, we make a great team, man. We’re the best. We’re the brightest. This jingle is taking a little extra time because we’re holding out for quality. Now, check the trash again. Joey: Hey, remember this one? It’s that rap thing we did.
Jesse: We hated that three days ago.
Joey: Three days ago, I wasn’t on my knees sifting through garbage.
Jesse: Good point. Get up.
Jesse: Let’s try–Oh, the jump thing. All right, let’s try it out. (singing)If your body’s looking chubby Your friends call you tubby And your wife’s out shopping For a brand-new hubby Then you better stop crying. And start pumping iron at the-
Joey: (singing)Sweat, sweat, sweat, sweat–Sweat World Yes!
Jesse & Joy: Yes!
Jesse: That was good, right?
Joey: Very nice.
Jesse: That stinks.
Joey: That was the worst.
Jesse: Not good.
Stephanie: Guess what. I broke the first-grade record. Watch me do 103 Hulas. One, two, three…
Jesse: Steph. Steph.
Stephanie:…four, five, six…
Jesse: Steph. Steph. Steph.
Stephanie:…seven, eight, nine, 10…
Jesse: Steph. Steph. Steph.
Stephanie:…1 l, 12, 13, 14….
Joey: Steph, tell you what. We’ll watch you later.
Stephanie: Later? I’m getting to hate that word.
Jesse: Stephanie, we’re sorry, but your Uncle Jesse and Joey are under tremendous pressure. All right, let’s get this thing going.
D.J.: Guys., you gotta help with my science homework. I’m desperate.
Stephanie: Sorry, D.J., you’ll have to wait till later. Uncle Jesse and Joey are under tremendous pressure.
D.J.: Please, I really need your help. I have to build some kind of homemade thingy to drop an egg two stories without breaking it. And it’s due tomorrow.
Jesse: Tomorrow? Your teacher only gave you one day to do this homemade thingy?
D.J.: Well, he gave us a little more than a day.
Joey: How little more?
D.J.: Maybe a day or two or 20.
Jesse: Twenty? You had 20 days to do this and you waited till the last minute, young lady?
D.J.: Technically, the last minute isn’t until 8:59 tomorrow morning.
Jesse: You ought to start thinking about law school.
D.J.: Guys, if I fail this science project, I won’t get out of the sixth grade. Oh, come on, Joey. Please, please please, please, pretty please.
Jesse: Oh, sure. Go right to Mr. Softy. We don’t have time to be dropping eggs. Now, we gotta concentrate on this jingle. Now, I’m gonna sit down right now and come up with a great idea. Let’s help the kid.
D.J.: Great idea.
In the living room
Stephanie: Ninety-five, 96, 97, 98…99, 100, 101, 102–
D.J.: Steph, look out. We have work to do.
Stephanie: D.J., I was one Hula away from my record.
D.J.: Sorry, Steph, but you happen to be hooping in my laboratory.
Joey: Hey, what can we use to build this thing?
D.J.: Anything around the house.
Jesse: How about a suitcase full of cotton?
Joey: Rule number 26: No suitcases full of cotton.
Stephanie: Hey, no fair. You said you were too busy to play with me. How come you’re playing with D.J.?
Jesse: Stephanie, we’re not playing. This is for D.J.’s school.
D.J.: Yeah, this happens to be a sixth-grade science project.
Stephanie: Well, pin a rose on your nose.
D.J.: You’re just too young to understand.
Joey: I got it. I got a great idea. We put the egg inside nature’s perfect shock absorber…a Twinkie.
Jesse: Good thinking, Ding Dong.
Joey: Watch and be amazed.
Jesse: All right, let’s give it a try. Let her rip.
Stephanie: I’m too young for this? Okay, Daddy, it’s later.
Danny: Steph, Michelle was just singing the cutest little song.
Stephanie: I learned a new song in school today.
Danny: Steph, Steph. As happy as I am to hear that the public schools are keeping that song alive, I really have to get some footage of Michelle singing her little song.
Stephanie: You think you’re so cute.
Michelle: Don’t worry, be happy.
Stephanie: Oh, no. You are so cute.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Stephanie: Sorry, Mr. Bear. My heart’s just not in it. Anyway, you’re probably more interested in D.J. and Michelle. Everybody else is. Nobody cares what I do.
In the living room
Danny: Come on, Michelle.
Jesse: You can do it.
Joey: Come on.
Danny: You’re the best.
Stephanie: Hi, everybody. I just got back from Mars. I’m the first kid in space.
Danny: Oh, that’s nice, honey. Wipe your feet.
Jesse: She’s ready to do it now. Don’t mess up her concentration. Ready?
Danny: She did it. She blinked.
Danny, Jesse & Joey: She’s so cute.
Stephanie: Excuse me. Did anybody hear me say, ” l went to Mars”?
Jesse: Steph, Steph, later. Michelle, for being so cute and adorable and such a good blinker. Joey, tell her what she’s won.
Joey: Well, Jess, cute, adorable, blinking Michelle has won Stephanie’s bike!
Stephanie: My bike?
Michelle: My bike.
Stephanie: You get my bike for blinking? I just got back from Mars. What do I get?
Danny, Jesse & Joey: Get the door.
Stephanie: Hot dog. For me?
D.J.: No, for me. Get off my rug, you little nerdbomber.
Danny, Jesse & Joey: D.J.!
Jesse: We missed you.
Danny: My first-born. We’re so proud of you.
Stephanie: What’d she do?
D.J.: I went to the mailbox and got the mail.
Stephanie: But I went to Mars. Look what I learned to do.
Jesse: D.J., D.J., D.J.
Danny: You are the best daughter.
Jesse: Let me get this straight. You walked all the way to the mailbox and back all by yourself? Talk about guts.
D.J.: It was scary, guys. There were cracks in the sidewalk.
Stephanie: Up here. A person is flying.
Jesse: D.J., let’s go to the kitchen and get your party started. Patrick Swayze’s in there, and he wants the first dance.
D.J.: I love being first-born.
Danny: Steph, as long as you’re up there could you dust the top of the mantel?
Stephanie: How rude.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Stephanie: How very rude. Come in.
Harry: Hi, chief. I wanna get a picture of you and your hoop for my scrapbook. Smile.
Stephanie: Harry, you’re the only one who cares about me.
Harry: Your family cares about you.
Stephanie: No, they don’t. D.J. is the oldest, and Michelle is the cutest, and I’m nothing. I wish I could move out, but I’m stuck living here until I get married.
Harry: Tough break.
Stephanie: Yeah. Unless you marry me.
Harry: Marry you? I’m not even allowed to cross the street.
Stephanie: Married people are allowed.
Harry: Really? Okay, I’ll marry you.
Stephanie: Harry, you have to propose. A girl waits her whole life for this moment. Get down on one knee.
Harry: Okay, chief. I can see up your nose.
Stephanie: Harry, this is supposed to be romantic.
Harry: Sorry. I can see up your nose, darling.
Stephanie: Never mind. We’ll get married today. I’ll call our friends, and we can get a house. Then they wouldn’t have to put up with D.J. and Michelle anymore. I’ll be Stephanie Takayama.
Harry: And I’ll be Harry Tanner.
In the living room
D.J.: I hope our egg-drop thingy works.
Jesse: D.J., how can it fail? It’s quite simple. You see, we simply drop the Tinkertoy frame down to the ground. The elastic stretches, taking in the impact allowing the egg to remain gently in its resting place, Michelle’s bootee. All right, pal, count it down.
Joey: Ninety-nine, 98, 97…96, 95, 94–
Jesse: Will you stop that, huh? Start at five.
Joey: I love getting you all riled up. Five, four, three, two…
Danny: I’ll get it.
D.J.: Eggs away.
Joey: Good hands.
Danny: I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all so very much for allowing me to play an important part in my daughter’s education.
Jimmy: We’re here for Stephanie’s wedding. Which way to the backyard?
D.J.: Through the kitchen and hang a left.
Jimmy: Got it. Come on, gang. Right through here. On the double. Let’s go, let’s go. Come on.
Joey: Who are all these kids?
Jesse: Well, that’s Dopey, Sneezy, Blinky, Moe, Curly, Shemp, Spanky and of course Father Guido Sarducci as the Beaver.
D.J.: Well, what do you say, guys? Back to the drawing board?
Jesse: Sorry, we gotta get back to writing our Sweat World jingle. Come on.
Joey: Wait, hold it. I got it. All we do is slow it down.
Jesse: Oh, that’s a good idea. We do it like a ballad. Like a Sinatra thing. (singing)Meet me down at Sweat World, baby
Joey: Will you stop that, huh? Not the jingle, the egg. We slow it down with a parachute.
D.J.: Oh, yes, I’ll try anything.
Joey: Let’s go get a handkerchief.
Jesse: Our careers are over, but we’re gonna pass sixth-grade science. Wait up.
In the backyard room
Jimmy: Come on, Harry. Let’s get this show on the road.
Harry: Are you sure you know how to marry people?
Jimmy: My dad’s a minister. He’s dragged me to hundreds of these. Music. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Stephanie and Harry in holy mattress money. Harry, do you take Stephanie–?
Harry: I’ll take her anywhere. After we’re married, we can cross the street.
Stephanie: No, no. What he means is, do you promise to pay lots of attention to me, no matter what D.J. does or how cute Michelle is?
Harry: Yeah, why not.
Jimmy: Now, it’s time for the wedding bows. Now, say, “I do.”
Stephanie: I do.
Harry: I do too.
Jimmy: May I have the ring, please?
Jimmy: Did you get a ring?
Harry: Better. I got a stick-on tattoo of Scooby Doo. Lick your hand. Stay.
Stephanie: It’s beautiful.
Jimmy: Stephanie and Harry, I now announce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. If you don’t kiss, you’re not really married.
Stephanie: He’s not a bad kisser.
In the living room
D.J.: Are you ready?
Joey: All set. Jess, I think we got it. Hanky parachute, double Twinkie landing craft.
Jesse: Well, Mr. Wizard, we do have the technology. Deej, let her rip.
D.J.: Eggs away, take two.
D.J.: All right. Yes. Thank you, thank you.
Jesse: All right.
D.J.: Thank you.
Jesse: All right. You’re welcome. Now, Joseph and I have to get back to our jingle for Sweat World. Thank you, D.J.
D.J.: You guys are geniuses.
Joey: Well, you know what Edison said: “Genius is 1 percent inspiration, 99 percent perspiration.”
D.J.: What’s that supposed to mean?
Jesse: It means if you don’t sweat it, you don’t get it.
Jesse & Joey: If you don’t sweat it, you don’t get it.
Jesse: That’s it, Joseph. Let’s put it with the music. Okay. (singing)If you don’t sweat it, you don’t get it
Joey: (singing)You don’t get it
Jesse: (singing)For the bod they’ll admire
Joey: (singing)You got to perspire
Jesse & Joey: (singing)Down at Sweat World
Jesse: Hey, come on in.
Joey: And get pumped.
Jesse: That’s it. Let’s go.
Joey: Let’s write it down.
Jesse: If you don’t sweat it– It’s a good melody too.
Danny: Come on, honey. Oh, come on. Come on– Go around, go around–Come here, you cutie.
Stephanie: People, I would like to make a very important announcement. I was married this afternoon.
Danny: Pardon me?
Harry: Hi, Dad.
Danny: Well, don’t you two make a cute little bride and groom. You could stand on top of your own wedding cake.
Stephanie: Well, goodbye, everyone. It’s been a great six years. Harry, let’s go house-hunting.
Harry: No, I have to go home. Bye, Steph. Bye, Pop.
Stephanie: Wait, wait. You can’t walk out on me.
Harry: Yes, I can. Tonight’s meatloaf night.
Stephanie: Great. Nobody wants me.
Danny: Steph, what do you mean nobody wants you? Your family wants you.
Stephanie: Some family. You didn’t even care that I broke the Hula-Hoop record or went to Mars.
Danny: You went to Mars? Maybe we have been a tad preoccupied.
Jesse: Kiddo, we’re– We’re sorry if we ignored you. We didn’t mean to.
Joey: Yeah, I think we were just a little caught up in what we were doing.
D.J.: Well, now that my science project’s done, I can watch you Hula-Hoop.
Stephanie: Forget it. It doesn’t matter. You’re always gonna be the oldest and Michelle’s always gonna be the baby, I’m always gonna be stuck in the middle!
Jesse: Hold it, Goldilocks.
Stephanie: See what I mean? I’m stuck in the middle again.
Jesse: Sit down.
Danny: I understand how you’re feeling. But there’s another way to look at this. There’s a lot of special things about being in the middle.
Jesse: Yeah, your pop’s right. Take a bologna sandwich, for instance. What’s the best part of a bologna sandwich?
Stephanie: The bologna.
Jesse: And where’s the bologna?
Stephanie: In the middle.
Jesse: Bingo. All right, and a Oreo cookie. What’s the best part of an Oreo cookie?
Stephanie: The chocolate milk you dunk it in.
Jesse: Come on, Steph. You know where I’m going with this.
Joey: I know. The cream’s the best part.
Jesse: Yes, Joseph. The cream–And where is the cream?
Joey: In the middle.
Jesse: Don’t help. It’s in the…?
Danny: Steph, what all this bologna and cookie talk is getting to is every position in the family is special in its own way.
Joey: Yeah, you’re the only one in the family who has a big sister and a little sister.
Stephanie: That’s true. What else you got?
Danny: Well, another good thing about being the middle child is a lot of the mistakes we made raising D.J we won’t have to make on you.
D.J.: I’m getting depressed. So far I’m the soggy part of the sandwich and the throwaway part of the cookie.
Stephanie: I like that.
Danny: Stephanie, come here. You have to realize that sometimes your sisters are gonna need our attention. But if you ever feel like you’re not getting your fair share, I want you to come and tell us about it.
Stephanie: Really? I can do that?
Danny: You better. Every time I get a little busy with something, I don’t want you to run off and get married.
Stephanie: Me neither. I don’t know about this husband thing. One whiff of their mom’s meatloaf and they’re gone.
Danny: Come here, you beautiful bride.
Joey: Me next.
Jesse: Okay, lay one on your Uncle J. You know how it’s done. All right.
D.J.: Oh, well, come on.
Danny: You know, I think this home video would be so much better if it had all three of my girls. Let me see. You wanna sing ” l Write the Songs” or go for the Hula-Hoop record?
Stephanie: Daddy, I can do both.