In Jesse’s bedroom
Jesse: One. Two. One.
Jesse: Okay. Here. All right, let’s see your muscles. Muscle
Jesse: All right. By day a mere toddler, but by night. . .Superbaby. Look out, it’s Superbaby coming to save the world. She got me. Superbaby got me. Thank you, Superbaby. Let’s see your muscles.
In the kitchen
Danny: Great fried chicken. Joey, this could be your most delicious meal of the year.
Joey: Thanks. I was a little nervous at first but once I actually drove up to the takeout window, I felt strong.
Danny: Let’s clean up.
D.J.: No, no, no. Sit. I’ll clean up.
Stephanie: It’s our pleasure to serve you.
Joey: And for dessert, I am proud to present genuine imitation pudding.
D.J.: None for me. I have a karate tournament this weekend. I wanna stay lean and mean.
Joey: Here, Michelle. Kung fu this. Attack of the ninja baby. She has broken our dinner. She must pay.
Danny: You haven’t eaten a thing. Don’t you like your potatoes?
Joey: Doesn’t that chicken look good?
Michelle: Cookie, Joey.
Danny: Okay, here are some Boston baked cookies.
Danny: Beans? So they are. My mistake.
Jesse: All right, everybody, gather around. Gather around. Guess who’s playing at Slim’s this weekend?
D.J.: George Michael? Bon Jovi?
Stephanie: Barbie and the Rockers?
Jesse: No. Me. This is major league. I’ve got to find a way to fill this club.
Stephanie: Your worries are over. I’ll tell the whole first grade.
Jesse: Thank you.
Danny: I got a great idea. Why doesn’t your band play on my talk show Friday morning?
Jesse: I love this man.
Danny: Don’t love me yet. You gotta audition for my producer.
Jesse: Hey, I’m there for you, babe. We’re doing a gig tonight. Help me pick a song for the audition.
Danny: Hey, I’m there for you, babe. Girls, I’ll be out late. Joey’s in charge.
Joey: I’ll run Michelle’s bath. Hey, I’m there for you, babe.
D.J.: Steph, this works out perfect.
Stephanie: Good. What works out perfect?
D.J.: Joey’s in charge. He’ll let us stay up late to watch Tiffany- Live From Tokyo.
Stephanie: This works out perfect.
D.J.: And if Joey gives us any trouble, we’ll hit him with the secret weapon…
D.J. & Stephanie: The bunny nose.
In Joey’s bedroom
Joey: I’m working on a new impression for my act. Let me know what you think. It’s Bullwinkle talking to Bill Murray. Okay, here goes. Gee whiz, Bill. Why won’t the girls go out with me? Well, listen up, Winkmeister. You know, A, you’re a moose. You got a coat rack on your head. And B, you hang out with that whiney little squirrel, Rocky. I mean, sure, he flies, you know, so he’s got that going for him. Oh, come on, now. Cut it out. I love you people.
D.J.: Isn’t it fun hanging out with Joey?
Stephanie: The funnest. Let’s do something with Joey tonight.
D.J.: Hey, Joey, look what’s on the tube. An educational special about Japan.
Stephanie: It’s our lucky day.
Joey: Let me see this educational special about Japan. Would it be Tiffeny: Live From Tokyo?
D.J.: Yeah, that’s it.
Joey: This is a school night, and it looks like Tiffany will be live in Japan until 10:30.
Stephanie: 10:30? It’s a good thing I took a nice long nap today.
Joey: Why did you take a nap if you didn’t know this was gonna be on till just now?
Stephanie: D.J., why did I do that?
D.J.: Woman’s intuition.
Stephanie: Yeah, what she said.
Joey: I know exactly what’s going on here. You waited till your Dad left to ask me because you know he would’ve said no.
Joey: Oh, not the bunny nose. Steph, this isn’t gonna work. Oh, not the double bunny nose. No man is this strong. All right, all right, all right.
D.J.: Yay, thank you.
Joey: You guys can watch.
Stephanie: Thank you, Joey.
Joey: All right, I’ll make the popcorn.
D.J. & Stephanie: Joey, Joey, Joey. Joey, Joey, Joey.
Stephanie: Next time we go straight to the bunny nose.
In the living room
Joey: (singing)Don’t think we’re alone now Hi, Danny.
Danny: Hi, Joey. Hi, Stephanie. Hi, D.J. Hi, Tiffany. Bye, Tiffany.
Joey: The girls asked me if they could stay up a little late.
D.J.: We had no idea he’d say yes.
Joey: Plus, it was an educational program.
Joey: Tiffany- Live from Tokyo. Danny, this is coming to us via satellite from one of Japan’s oldest and most sacred malls.
D.J.: Oh, it’s been a long day.
Stephanie: Yeah, I’m bushed.
Joey: I can hardly keep my eyes open.
D.J.: Night, Dad.
Stephanie: Good night, Daddy.
Joey: Good night, Dad.
Danny: Hold it, son. Joey, face it. You’re a soft touch. You let those girls take advantage of you.
Joey: I know, Danny. I don’t wanna be a bad guy.
Danny: No, no. Freddy Krueger is a bad guy. Sometimes a parent has to say no. If you put your foot down they’ll respect you more.
Joey: Are you sure?
Danny: Trust me, I know my dad stuff.
Joey: Okay, from now on, no more Mr. Pushover.
Joey: I can be as tough as any authority figure in this house.
Danny: You can do it.
Joey: Maybe I ought to tape the rest of that special for the girls– But they’ll watch it when I tell them they can watch it.
In the studio
Danny: Well, what do you think?
Mr. Strowbridge: I don’t know about music, but I know what I like.
Danny: Did you like it?
Mr. Strowbridge: I don’t know.
Becky: Well, here’s a fun idea. After they sing their song, have Danny do a number with the band.
Jesse: That’s your fun idea?
Danny: This is your show too. Why don’t you sing?
Becky: No, the audience loves to see you embarrass yourself.
Mr. Strowbridge: I love to see it too.
Danny: And I love it as well. Don’t forget I’ll be in Fresno judging the Miss Kadota Fig Pageant.
Jesse: That’s right. Fresno, fig judging.
Danny: I won’t have any time to rehearse.
Jesse: He won’t have time to rehearse. Trust me, sir, he does need a lot of rehearsal. He’s not exactly a rock ‘n’ roll animal.
Mr. Strowbridge: I can get another band.
Danny: On the other hand, he does have that Mick Jagger quality.
In the kitchen
Joey: Hello, Mrs. Gibbler. This is Joey Gladstone again. Have you heard from D.J. yet? No? Well, I’m worried sick and I don’t know who else to call. Well, listen, if you hear from D.J., tell her I want her home immediately. Thanks.
Stephanie: Michelle, no more cookies. Look at this. You can eat a magic little green tree.
Michelle: Stephie, eat.
Stephanie: Stephie? Eat broccoli? Get real.
Joey: Steph. Has D.J. ever been late like this before?
Stephanie: I don’t think so, but everything before I was 5 is a little bit fuzzy.
Joey: D.J., you’re home.
D.J.: It’s nice to see you too.
Joey: You’re an hour late.
D.J.: Oh, sorry. After karate we all hung around and planned strategy for the big tournament on Saturday. It’s gonna be so rad. What’d you make for dinner? Can we order pizza?
Joey: D.J., I was scared to death. I didn’t know what happened to you.
D.J.: Joey, I’m fine. I was with my friends. It’s no big deal.
Joey: It’s a very big deal.
In the living room
Joey: D.J., you know the rules. Why didn’t you pick up a phone and call me?
D.J.: I forgot.
Joey: That’s no excuse. If your father was here, you would’ve remembered.
D.J.: Joey, why are you acting like this?
Joey: Because you had me worried sick and you don’t seem to care.
D.J.: Joey, don’t have a cow.
Joey: Don’t have a cow? That’s it. This weekend you are grounded.
D.J.: This weekend is my karate tournament. I’ve been practicing for months.
Joey: I guess you’re just gonna have to miss it.
D.J.: You’ve gotta be kidding. I can’t miss it.
Joey: Yes, you can.
D.J.: No, I can’t. When Dad gets home, he’ll say I’m ungrounded.
Joey: I wouldn’t count on that. I’m in charge here. I say you’re grounded.
D.J.: No, I’m not. I’m going to that karate tournament.
D.J.: You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my father.
In the kitchen
Joey: Michelle, you want some egg? I made it look like the sun. See, there’s little rays made of cheese.
Joey: Now, Michelle, I know I’m not your father but it would make me very happy if you ate some breakfast.
Michelle: Okay, Joey.
Joey: Okay, here, Michelle. Thank you.
Jesse: Good morning.
Jesse: Joseph, make sure to watch me on Danny’s talk show. You too, spanky. Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss. Egg sun with cheese rays. Very creative.
Joey: Hey, Jess, have you seen D.J. today?
Jesse: Yes, I have. You’re not her favorite guy this morning.
Joey: Oh, man.
Jesse: Joseph. Kid was late. She didn’t call. You had to do something. Just glad it was you and not me.
Joey: I hate having D.J. mad at me like this. It’s driving me nuts. I hate all this tension. I’m gonna go upstairs now and let her off the hook.
Jesse: Joseph, take it from a guy whose father grounded him a lot. Most of the ’70s. We yelled and we screamed, but it all blew over. You’re doing the right thing. Stick to your guns.
Jesse: You done with that, Michelle? I guess not. Glad to see your appetite is back. Wish me luck.
Joey: Good luck.
D.J.: Hi, Michelle. Hi.
Joey: Good morning, D.J.
D.J.: Good day, Mr. Gladstone.
Joey: I made your lunch.
D.J.: No, thank you. I’ll be purchasing my meal. There’s my ride.
Joey: Have a nice day.
D.J.: I intend to.
Stephanie: Don’t worry, Joey. I still love you, no matter how much you punish D.J. Can I eat her lunch?
In the studio
Miss Kadota Fig: Over the years, the fig has gotten a bad rap. A lot of people think of itas only a filling for a Newton.
Danny: That’s fascinating. I can see why you’re Miss Kadota Fig.
Becky: You should. You were one of the judges.
Danny: Yes. Well, what else do we have for today?
Becky: Your brother-in-law’s band.
Danny: Oh, right. Honest folks, the fact that we’re related has nothing to do with him being here.
Becky: Unfortunately, due to your newfound interest in Kadota figs, we only have time for one song.
Danny: Let’s get right to Jesse and the Rippers singing “Devil With a Blue Dress On.”
Mr. Strowbridge: Tanner. You sing.
Becky: Danny, I’ve had a request for you to sing your song instead. As a special treat, here is our own Danny Tanner singing with the band.
Danny: I don’t know, they’re so good without me. Hi, Jess. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse and the Rippers and me. I’m Danny Tanner.
Jesse: We’ll talk about this at home.
Danny: Isn’t he great? You know, every now and then, you watch Weke Up, Sen Frencisco because it’s nice and easy. Well, this morning I had a little too much coffee so we’re gonna do it nice and rough. Hit it, boys. (singing)D.J.? Watch me. Help me. Hurt me. Good gosh almighty. Great balls of fire. Tutti frutti, oh, rooty. Proud Mary. Jesse and the Rippers. This weekend at Slim’s. I promise I won’t be there.
Becky: Danny, I had no idea you were so musical.
Danny: Well, I was president of the Boy’s Glee Club.
Becky: Yeah. Well, we’ll see you next Monday for another edition of…Weke Up, Sen Frencisco. Bye-bye.
Danny: Stay cool. Take us home, boys.
Jesse: Take yourself home.
Danny: D.J., what are you doing here?
D.J.: Mrs. Gibbler dropped me off. I have to talk to you. Guess what Joey did?
Danny: Jesse told me the whole story. I know you’re upset, but you gotta get to school.
D.J.: But, Dad–
Danny: Look, right after school we’ll have a family meeting and talk this out. Can you give D.J. a ride to school?
Jesse: Sure. I’m your backup band, I’ll be your chauffeur. Would you like me to come back and peel a fig for you?
In the living room
Danny: Okay, we have a family problem. That means we have a family meeting. Now, who’d like to review the rules?
Stephanie: Me, me, me.
Stephanie: This is the talking stick. Only the person that holds it can talk. Okay? Now that I have your attention, Christmas will be coming soon. I’m getting bigger, my bike is getting smaller.
Danny: Thank you, Stephanie. Now, who would like to start?
D.J.: I’ll start. Dad, Joey had no right to try to ground me when I have a karate tournament. Dad, tell Joey he can’t do that.
Danny: D.J., you know that when I’m not here, I turn over all responsibility for you three girls to Jesse and Joey.
D.J.: Dad, that punishment is way too unfair.
Stephanie: Cheating. No stick. That wasn’t talking, that was explaining.
Danny: I think the reason this is so hard for you is it’s the first time Joey’s put his foot down.
Jesse: I have to say that I side with Joseph 100 percent. You do the crime, you do the time. You pay the piper face the music. Man, you got to bite the bu– I’ve been watching too many old movies.
D.J.: This meeting is not fair. Everyone’s against me. Dad, do something.
Danny: Joey’s decision is final.
D.J.: How can you do this to me?
Jesse: D.J., you should have called.
D.J.: But it’s not fair.
Danny: That’s exactly right. You should’ve called.
Joey: Stop it! I hate to see everyone fighting. Just sit and listen to what I have to say. Danny, you told me that if I put my foot down, the girls would respect me. Now D.J. hates me and my foot.
Danny: D.J. was the one who came in late without calling. Why are you blaming yourself?
Joey: Because this whole thing started when I tried to be Mr. Discipline. That’s not me. The best part about being in this family is all the love and all the great times we have together. My family was always fighting. I don’t wanna go through that again.
Jesse: Look, Joseph, there’s no such thing as a family that doesn’t fight. I mean, even Herman Munster yelled at poor little Eddie once in a while.
Danny: Look, Joey…the love, the fun, the responsibility, the discipline, they all go together. When you’re in this family, you’re in all the way. You did the right thing. D.J. deserved to be punished. Am I right, D.J.?
D.J.: Okay, I give up. I won’t go to my karate tournament. But if you’re waiting for me to be happy about it, it won’t happen.
Danny: I’ll go talk to her.
Joey: No. I’ll go talk to her.
Stephanie: I have here the names of everyone who talked without the stick. Uncle Jesse, me, Daddy, me again–
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Joey: D.J., can I talk to you a little more?
D.J.: Sure. I’m not going anywhere, remember?
Joey: I’m worried about what’s happening to us. We’ve always been great buddies, right?
D.J.: Yeah, I guess.
Joey: D.J., you know we have. I’ve known you your whole life. I was at the hospital when you were born. Boy, when I first saw you– Talk about crying. You were fine, I was sobbing hysterically. I did you a big favor that day, remember?
D.J.: Joey, I was a day old.
Joey: Well, I remember. Your mom and dad wanted to name you Farrah.
Joey: I said, “Hey, we can’t name her after a hairstyle.”
D.J.: That was close. Well, I better do my homework.
Joey: D.J., we’ve always been great buddies. And I thought that living together would bring us even closer. But now that I’m like a parent, it kind of changes things.
D.J.: Yeah. I never pictured you punishing me.
Joey: Yeah, me either. D.J. Last night when I didn’t know where you were, I was scared to death. If anything ever happened to you….
D.J.: I’m sorry about all those mean things I said to you. I was just mad.
Joey: Well, that’s good. Because I love you so much.
D.J.: I love you too, Joey. Hey, if it weren’t for you, I’d be Farrah Jo Tanner.
Joey: You know what I’m thinking, Deej? I’m kind of new at this discipline thing. I know that you should be grounded but maybe grounding you for this weekend was a little unfair.
D.J.: You mean it? I can go to my karate tournament?
Joey: Yeah, what the heck.
D.J.: Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re gonna make a great dad.
Joey: Why? Because you got what you wanted?
D.J.: No. Because you were fair.
Joey: Well, thanks. Now remember, next weekend you’re grounded.
D.J.: Oh, that’s fine, that’s great, that’s perfect. Oh, wait, I just remembered. Kimmy and I had plans to go horseback riding. You know I had to try. Okay, just karate.Okay, I’m convinced.