In the living room
Stephanie: Hurry up, everybody. Let’s go to the Halloween party. Hop to it. We’re late, we’re late for a very important date.
D.J.: Make way for Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile.
Stephanie: Why did you pick that?
D.J.: Because Dad wouldn’t let me be Elvira.
Danny, Jesse & Joey: Hello. Hey, Moe.
Jesse: Spread out, knuckleheads. See this?
Jesse: What are you laughing at, pudding-head? You see this?
Danny: Girls, we’re a lock to win the costume contest.
D.J.: Forget it, guys.
D.J.: We’re all dead meat.
Danny: Come here, Michelle.
Jesse: Boys, let’s take it from the top one more time. Here we go. One, two. One, two, three.
Joey: Hold it.
Joey: Jess, you’ve never written an advertising jingle before, have you?
Jesse: No, Joseph. Why?
Joey: Well, if you’re gonna sell this thing, you’ll need something that no one else has. Me.
Jesse: Lucy, I didn’t say you could be in the show.
Joey: Oh, Ricky.
Jesse: Sit down. Here we go. One more time, guys. One, two. One, two, three, four.
Jesse: What? We’re back from the dentist.
D.J.: No cavities, baby. Thank you. Thank you.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Unfortunately…Stephanie has her very first cavity.
Stephanie: Why do I have to have a filling? I’m gonna lose it anyway, it’s a baby tooth.
Joey: Oh, come on, Steph, it’s not that bad.
Danny: I told you, honey. It’s not that bad.
Stephanie: When everybody says, “lt’s not that bad,”it’s bad.
Jesse: Steph, I got the perfect thing to cheer you up. You can help me rehearse my jingle presentation, okay?
Stephanie: Hot dog.
Jesse: Now, come on, you and D.J. sit over here and pretend like you’re important advertising executives, okay? Here we go. Let’s go, fellas. Good afternoon, I’m Jesse Katsopolis. Your secretary saw my band play and thought the tunes were kind of catchy. I heard you guys were looking for a jingle for your new water theme park, Splash City. I’m a songwriter, so I thought I’d put something together. Ready? One, two. One, two, three. (singing)When the sun has got you so doggone hot You got nowhere left to run And the nearest beach Is way out of reach There’s only one place to go for fun Do you wanna have fun? We’re going to–Splash City to make a big wave We’re going to– Splash City the H20 craze We’re going to– Splash City it’s nothing but fun We’re going to–Splash City for everyone
Joey: (singing)I’m going to Splash City I’m going to have fun I’m going to Splash City Well, maybe I’ll just stay home.
Jesse: So, what do you think, Steph?
Stephanie: I think it’s gonna fall out anyway, it’s a baby tooth.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: You even copied my name.
Kimmy: What are you doing?
Stephanie: Brushing away my cavity.
D.J.: She’s been brushing for three days.
Kimmy: Kid, you can’t brush it away. You can’t wish it away. You have to drill it away. Did you hear about Kathy Santoni? She went in for a filling and came out with her mouth wired shut and she had to eat through a hole in her throat.
Danny: Guess who’s here.
Danny: Well, yes, it is me, but there’s someone else.
Nick: It’s Grandpa Katsopolis, open up. Where are my two little ladybugs?
Stephanie: Grandma. Grandma.
Irene: Oh, my darling. Switch.
Kimmy: You have company. See you later, Deej.
Nick: Hey, Kimmy, still copying people’s homework?
Kimmy: I’m trying to cut down.
Irene: I see you’re stressing good oral hygiene.
Stephanie: Kimmy Gibbler said I’d have to wear mouth wires and eat through a hole in my throat.
Danny: Honey, you know Kimmy has a tendency to–Sometimes Kimmy’s imagination–Kimmy’s an airhead.
So, Grandpa Nick, you have anything that needs unwrapping?
Danny: Tacky, Deej. You can’t expect presents every time they visit. Did you get me anything?
Nick: Girls, we give each other love, not toys and bags of money.
Irene: Very true. I wanna see Michelle. Has she learned to say “Grandma”yet?
Danny: She’s working on it. Right now it sounds like “Granola.” Coming, Nick?
Nick: No, I wanna finish my lecture. Come here, girls. Now, you can’t expect presents every time we pop over. Here’s 5 bucks for both of you.
D.J. & Stephanie: Thanks, Grandpa.
Nick: But remember, don’t tell Grandma.
D.J. & Stephanie: Got it.
In the kitchen
Joey: Try this.
Irene: I’d rather eat the spoon. Why don’t I make a nice eggplant parmigiana, huh?
Danny: Bless you.
Joey: Well, what can I do to help?
Irene: Go to your room.
Joey: I can do that.
Nick: Oh, I wanna eat that face for dessert.
Joey: Thanks, Nick, but I gotta run.
Danny: Jesse should be back any minute. I’ve gotta get to the station and tape promos. Bye, Michelle.
Nick: Michelle, I got your nose. Where’s your nose? Where is it? There it is. You wanna ride the horse? Come on. Let’s all ride the horse. There you go. Irene, I have a terrific idea. Let’s have another baby.
Irene: Sweetie, if your brain was a pasture, the sheep would starve.
Nick: I read in the NetioneI Intrude that a 95-year-old great-grandmother gave birth to twins.
Irene: She had a 19-year-old boyfriend.
Nick: What are you saying? What are you saying? Are you saying I’m running out of gas? What about last night? Was I out of gas then?
Irene: You’re a Texaco station, okay?
Nick: Have mercy.
D.J.: Kids in the room.
Irene: Kids in the room.
Nick: Hi, kids.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse’s back. He’s got big news.
Nick: It’s about time.
Irene: Come here, girls. Girls, come here. Here’s 5 bucks for each of you.
D.J. & Stephanie: Thanks, Grandma.
Irene: Now, remember our deal. Don’t you dare tell Grandpa.
D.J. & Stephanie: Got it.
Michelle: Me money.
Nick: I let you off work for your little music hobby but tomorrow I need you early.
Jesse: Okay, Dad, I got great news.
Nick: So do I. Fraser Street is crawling with cockroaches. It’s an exterminator’s dream.
Stephanie: So, what’s the big news?
Jesse: They bought it! I sold my first jingle.
D.J.: All right!
D.J.: Oh, the man is hot.
Jesse: Pretty good, huh, Pop?
Nick: Good going. Now, back to the real world. Cockroaches. Pick you up at 5 a.m. We attack at dawn.
In Jessy’s bedroom
Irene: Finally, he puts up Sinatra. There is a God.
Jesse: I’m doing a little redecorating.
Irene: You didn’t call me up here to talk about redecorating, did you?
Jesse: How did you know that?
Irene: Jesse, I gave birth to you. I powdered your little tushy.
Jesse: Stop with the tushy, Mom. Come on. Sit down. Ma, I wanna talk to you about my life and my music, and I hope you’ll understand.
Irene: Sure, I’ll understand. Hey, it’s me. I’m hip, I’m with it. I’m bad. Who’s bad? I’m bad, you know it. So tell me what you have to tell me.
Jesse: Okay, well, I’ve been working as an exterminator to earn a living until my band made it, right? Well, selling this jingle made me realize that I can earn a living playing music right now. The bottom line is I don’t wanna work with Pop anymore.
Irene: I knew this day was coming. I was hoping I’d be dead when it did.
Jesse: He’s gonna flip out, isn’t he?
Irene: He’s dreamed you’d take the business and follow in his footsteps. But you– You gotta follow your own dreams. So you tell him, but when you do it do it with love, okay?
Jesse: Love. Thanks, Ma.
Nick: Francis Albert. When he sings, you understand the words.
Jesse: Yeah, well, you turned me on to Frank, Pop. You know your music.
Nick: Greeks invented music.
Irene: And Italians perfected it.
Jesse: Sit down a second, Pop. I’m making a lot of changes in my life. You know, I cut my hair I’m dressing nicer, I’m growing up. And I think it’s time that I made a real commitment to my career.
Nick: Really? You’re finally ready to be a partner. This is great. This is beautiful. You know, son, 27 years ago, I started out with nothing but a fly swatter and a dream. Today, over one billion squashed.
Irene: Nick, you’re not listening. He’s trying to tell you something.
Nick: Irene, when it comes to my son, I don’t need your help.
Irene: Oh, really? I suppose when he was born you went into labor.
Nick: You think carrying you out to the car wasn’t labor?
Irene: Starting with the weight again. That was love weight, Nick.
Jesse: Come on. Please, please. Come on, now. Pop, I found a way to make money doing something I love, music.
Nick: You gonna make a living with this, Mr. Musician? How many records have you sold?
Jesse: Well, none.
Nick: How many bugs have you killed?
Nick: Stick with a winner.
Jesse: Pop, I can’t do something just because you want me to do it. We’re two totally different people.
Nick: We’re the same.
Jesse: We’re different.
Nick: We’re the same.
Jesse: We’re different.
Nick & Jesse: Will you listen to me?
Jesse: I’ve made up my mind, Pop.
Nick: Meaning what?
Jesse: Meaning…I quit.
Nick: You can’t quit. I built this business for you.
Jesse: Dad, it’s not what I wanna do.
Nick: Then quit.
Jesse: Okay, I quit.
Nick: Fine. If you’re out of the family business, you’re out of the family.
In Michelle’s bedroom
Danny: “Good night clocks and good night….”
Danny: “Good night little house and good night….”
Danny: Hey, Jess. Wanna help me put Michelle to bed?
Jesse: No. I just wanna watch a great dad in action. You listen to her, you try to understand her problems. You accept her for who she is, her goals, her values.
Danny: She’s a 2-year-old. Her goal is to eat with a fork.
Jesse: Still, you respect that.
Danny: Michelle, let’s cut the story short tonight because I think Uncle Jesse needs me more than you do. Okay. Good night, little mouse.
Michelle: Good night, Daddy.
In the hallway
Danny: Did you try calling your dad?
Jesse: What’s the point? He kicked me out of the family.
Danny: The point is you’re sitting on the floor in the hallway like a potted plant. Jesse, let’s talk about it. Get up. Come with me. Look at this room, it’s a mess. Sorry, just slipped out. Look, Jess, I know Nick. He didn’t mean it. He’s just a hot-headed stubborn guy. But underneath all that anger is more anger. But underneath that is a man who’s really hurting because he really loves you.
Jesse: Well, he’s gotta stop trying to run my life. I’m 25 years old. He’s gotta start accepting me as an adult who can make decisions. It’s my life, man. I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make me happy.
Danny: Good. Are you happy?
Jesse: No, I’m miserable.
Danny: Jesse, you’re not gonna be happy until you do everything you can to make things right with your father. You’ve gotta reach out to him. Come on. Sleep on it, okay?
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Think about it. Good night, little mouse.
Jesse: Good night. What am I doing? It’s 7:00.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Stephanie: No dentist. I’m not going. I’m not going. I’m not going. I’m not going.
D.J.: May I help you?
Stephanie: Where am I?
D.J.: In my bed. What are you doing in here?
Stephanie: I don’t know. I had a bad dream. I was running in a forest and all the trees were dentists and they were chasing me yelling, “Open wide, open wide.”
D.J.: It was just a dream.
Stephanie: How do I know you’re not a dream telling me it’s just a dream? I’m awake.
D.J.: You’re supposed to pinch yourself, you little nerd-bomber.
Stephanie: I’m sorry, but I’m not myself. D.J., I’m really afraid of the dentist.
D.J.: That’s because you’re a little kid. A long time ago, back when I was a little kid I was afraid of getting sucked down the drain in the bathtub.
D.J.: Yeah. When you were a year old, I put you in the tub and pulled the plug. And when you didn’t go anywhere, I knew it was safe.
Stephanie: You tried to send me down the drain?
D.J.: Hey, you were only a year old. I hardly knew you.
At a dentist
Doctor: Stephanie, are you ready to open your mouth? Then how am I gonna fill your cavity?
Joey: Doc, why don’t you give us a minute?
Doctor: I’ll go find a nice toy, just in case you change your mind.
Joey: I know this isn’t as much fun as the circus but you have to be brave. So you know what you’re gonna need? Courage.
Stephanie: Courage? I mean:
Joey: Remember the Cowardly Lion in The Wizerd of Oz? If I were king of the forest The Cowardly Lion thought he needed the Wizard to give him courage but he really had it all along, and so do you. Everybody keeps their courage in a different place. Me, I keep mine right here.
Stephanie: Where do you think my courage is?
Joey: I don’t know…but look, we’re in luck. A courage detector.
Stephanie: Last time I was here, it was a spit sucker.
Joey: Well, it does that too. Let’s find out where your courage is. I found it. This is great. Your courage is inside your mouth.
Joey: Yeah, here, take a look. See? See in the back of your throat there, that little hangy ball thing?
Stephanie: Hey, yeah, what is that?
Joey: Well, that’s your courage hangy ball.
Stephanie: I thought that was there for decoration.
Doctor: How we doing here? Wanna give it a try?
Stephanie: Well, okay. You better not be kidding me about this hangy ball business.
In the living room
Jesse: Michelle, since I’m out of the bug biz, maybe you and I ought to put an act together, take it on the road. Here, sing this. Sing it. That settles it, you be Sonny. Sing it again.
Nick: I thought you said Barney Manilow wasn’t gonna be here.
Jesse: Pop, I asked Ma to bring you over here.
Michelle: Hold that.
Nick: I don’t have anything to say.
Irene: Nick, find something to say. I can’t stand seeing the two of you not speaking to each other. There are two men in this world that I love more than anyone. Marcello Mastroianni and one of you guys. Come on.
Jesse: How did you get here? Did you take Market Street?
Nick: Market Street at this hour? What am I, an idiot? Is this why you called me over here?
Jesse: Pop, what are you yelling at me for? This is small talk, we haven’t got to the fight.
Nick: Oh, yes, we have. If you think I’m gonna admit that I was wrong, you’re crazy. My only son quits the family business–
Irene: Look who wants to visit Grandpa.
Nick: This isn’t fair. I was very steamed, I wanna stay steamed. Come here, my little angel. It’s Grandpa. It’s Grandpa.
Irene: Nick, we have a wonderful son. He loves you very much and you love him. Now, forgive him or we’re getting Ozzie and Harriet beds. Come on, my angel. Come on, that was good.
Jesse: Pop, I want out of the family business, I don’t want out of the family. Come on, Dad. What do you think, I woke up yesterday and say: “What should I do today, make an omelet or break my father’s heart?” Dad, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But you can’t throw me out of the family. I’m your son.
Nick: I didn’t build a business to sell to some stranger. You really messed up my dream.
Jesse: What about my dream? Don’t you want to see me happy?
Nick: Yeah, yeah.
Jesse: Then why can’t you be proud of me?
Nick: Who said I wasn’t proud of you?
Jesse: You’re proud of me, really? I mean, you’re proud of me for standing up to you and doing what I believe?
Nick: No, I hate that. I told you, you really messed up my dream. But you came through on another dream. The one about you growing up to be the kind of man I respect. When your sister died may she rest in peace the whole family was devastated. The way you moved in here and you pulled us all together. The sacrifices you made to help Danny raise our granddaughters. That really made me proud.
Jesse: Thanks, Pop. But I’m a musician and I want you to be proud of me for that too. I want you in my corner.
Nick: I guess I was a little rough on you. Look, I’m never gonna be happy about this music thing but I’m always gonna be in your corner. I’m your old man.
Jesse: Ma, you can come back in now.
Irene: I never left.
Joey: Look who’s back from the dentist.
Stephanie: It was great. I got a Snoopy toothbrush, dental floss, cinnamon and sugarless gum, very tasty. For my next birthday, forget the clown. I want a dentist. Look.
Nick: Show me.
Stephanie: That gave me courage.