In Michelle’s bedroom
Jesse: Michelle, you wanna go sleepy?
Joey: What do you wanna do? Stay up all night?
Jesse: Is Mr. Horsey, tired?
Joey: Are you gonna say anything but “no”?
Joey: What’s your favorite James Bond movie? Would it happen to be Doctor…?
Jesse: Well, Joseph, it seems like we’re unable to put a 2-year-old to bed.
Joey: Is it possible she’s smarter than us?
In the kitchen
Jesse: Boil that cabbage down, boy Turn them cakes brown
Danny: Okay, Michelle, here is a handy hint. If you put masking tape around your hand sticky side out, it’s useful for removing that unsightly lint from jacket or sweater.
Jesse: There’s something every toddler should know.
D.J.: Okay, I made a list of the food I need for Kimmy’s surprise birthday party: Grape soda, orange soda, caramel corn, cherry licorice and ice cream.
Joey: Why shop? Just put out a bowl of white sugar.
Danny: I’ll get it. Hello. Okay, I’ll be right there. Bye-bye. That was my boss. He wants me down at the station. He says he’s got some good news. Actually, he said big news. That could be bad news. Why didn’t he say? Why didn’t I ask him? I’ll worry on the way. Bye, honey. Bye-bye.
Joey: Why does he make himself so crazy?
Jesse: I don’t know. But on the plus side, there is no lint on the phone.
Stephanie: D.J., which one of these dresses will I look cuter in at your party?
D.J.: Steph, you wouldn’t like this party. It’s gonna be a bunch of sixth-graders.
Stephanie: In that case, I’ll wear this one. It makes me look older.
D.J.: Let me say this is as nice as I can. You’re in first grade, and all the kids at this party are in the sixth grade.
Stephanie: What if I…bring five other first-graders?
D.J.: Okay, I’ve tried to be nice. Uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: Joey. She won’t let me go to her party!
D.J.: You’re not coming. You’re too young.
Jesse: Hold it. Mutual corners. D.J. first.
D.J.: She thinks she’s coming to my party.
Stephanie: I do think that.
Joey: Steph, I have a great idea. Why don’t we have our own super-duper party upstairs. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Stephanie: Does it sound like fun to you?
D.J.: Thanks, guys.
Kimmy: Ready for school, Deej?
Jesse: Kimmy. How could you just barge into people’s houses? Don’t you ever knock?
Kimmy: I looked in the window. Nobody was in their underwear. When you’re in your underwear, I knock.
Jesse: We gotta get a guard dog.
D.J.: Happy birthday. Now, remember, we’re going to the movies tonight…so come get me at exactly 7:00.
Stephanie: Movies? What happened to Kimmy’s surprise party?
Kimmy: A surprise party for me? All right!
D.J.: You’re dead meat.
Kimmy: Don’t worry, D.J. I’ll act surprised. Can I invite my two new friends from karate class, Nina and Melissa?
D.J.: It’s your surprise party. You can invite whoever you want.
Stephanie: I’m free tonight. Invite me.
D.J.: Bye, guys.
Kimmy: Bye, everybody.
Stephanie: Don’t have to answer that now. Think it over! How rude.
On the Set of Wake Up, San Francisco
Mr. Strowbridge: Well, here it is, the set of Weke Up, San Frencisco. You like it?
Becky: Like it? I love it. I could live here. All this place needs is a sink, a toaster oven and maybe a wall right about there. Oh, I can’t wait to meet my cohost.
Mr. Strowbridge: Danny Tanner should be here any second.
Mr. Strowbridge: That was him. He’ll be back.
Danny: Oh, there you are Mr.Strowbridge. Excuse me, miss. I couldn’t wait to hear the big news. Just out of curiosity, sir, it is big, good news, isn’t it?
Mr. Strowbridge: Very good news. Tonight will be your last sportscast.
Danny: It’s interesting how one man’s good is another man’s bad.
Mr. Strowbridge: Tanner–
Danny: What did I do? I’m always on time. The ratings are up. I never step on the weatherman’s jokes. Who are you gonna get to replace me?
Mr. Strowbridge: Tanner, I’d like you to meet the newest member of the Channel B family, Miss Rebecca Donaldson.
Becky: It’s wonderful to meet you.
Danny: It’s wonderful to meet you too. You’re going to hire her? Please don’t take this personally. Are you out of your mind? Don’t take that personal either, sir. Before you accept this job, if you could just look at my three little girls here. You can’t see their feet, but, boy, do they go through shoes.
Becky: Cute kids.
Mr. Strowbridge: You’re not being fired. You and Rebecca will be cohosting Wake Up, San Francisco.
Danny: Really? You’re serious? I’m the new host of Wake Up, San Francisco?
Danny: I can live with that. Thank you. Thank you.
Mr. Strowbridge: Yes, yes.
Danny: Oh, this is great. You’ll get used to this. I hug everybody.
Becky: I like people who hug.
Mr. Strowbridge: This was just what I was hoping for. Chemistry. That’s what’s gonna take us from number three to number one. That and the fact they moved Wheel of Fortune. San Francisco is gonna fall in love with you two. You’ll be fine. You’ll be great. You’ll be starting Monday.
Danny: Starting Monday?
Becky: Well, that’s the best way to do it: just jump right in there and have fun.
Danny: Just jump right in there and have fun? It’s gonna take hours and hours of relentless rehearsal to make it look like we’re having fun.
Becky: Unless we actually are having fun.
Danny: Rebecca, no offense, but have you ever hosted a talk show before?
Becky: As a matter of fact, I have. A.M. Omehe, tor two years. How about you? Have you ever hosted a talk show?
Danny: That’s kind of personal.
In the living room
D.J.: It’s party time. Almost. Michelle, you’re supposed to be in the kitchen, not carrying around pretzels. It’s okay, Michelle. I’ll clean it up.
Jesse: Michelle. Oh, you little–What are you doing here? What happened? All right, come on. D.J. This is a party. Why is everyone so quiet?
D.J.: They think you’re cute.
Jesse: Where were they when I was 12?
D.J.: Not born. Bye.
Jesse: Okay, I promise that was the last interruption. Oh, that’s Kimmy. Everyone get ready.
Stephanie: For me? You shouldn’t have.
D.J.: We didn’t. What are you doing down here?
Stephanie: I just went to check the mail. Nothing yet. Ah, pretzels. Don’t mind if I do.
D.J.: Well, I mind if you do. Stephanie, please go upstairs.
Stephanie: Oh, dear me, I almost forgot. I do have a super-duper party waiting for me upstairs. Hello, what a pretty sweater. Love your hair. We must do this again sometime.
Kimmy: Surprise! A surprise party for me? What a surprise. D.J., these are the two friends you said I could invite. Nina and Melissa. They’re in junior high.
D.J.: I’m D.J. I’m glad you could make it.
Nina: We wouldn’t miss a party for our new pal, Kammy.
D.J.: Her name’s Kimmy.
Kimmy: They wear lipstick. They can call me whatever they want.
Nina: This party is dead. Hey, is your dad home?
D.J.: No. He’s gone.
Melissa: Good. This is a great party house.
Nina: Much better than the house we trashed last weekend.
Melissa: Where’s the phone?
Nina: Oh, it’s over here. Let’s call Greg, Andy and the Duke.
D.J.: Before you call any dukes, do you mind telling me what you’re doing?
Nina: Don’t worry. In an hour we’ll have 50 or 60 kids here.
Melissa: Hello, Duke. What’s the address here?
D.J.: Hello, Duke, this is a crank call.
Melissa: What a dweeb.
D.J.: Hey, this party isn’t for you and your friends. It’s a party for Kimmy and her friends.
Kimmy: D.J., you’re messing everything up. Don’t you get it? They’re in junior high.
D.J.: Who cares?
Nina: This is the land of the lame. Come on, Kimmy, let’s get out of here.
D.J.: Kimmy, wait. You can’t leave your own birthday party.
Kimmy: You can’t tell me what to do.
D.J.: I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just saying don’t act dumb.
Kimmy: Oh, now I’m dumb.
Melissa: You are if you stay here.
Nina: Come on, the mall’s open till 9.
Kimmy: Let’s do it.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Stephanie: There will be no talking in class. Everyone turn to page….Mr. Bear, if it’s so funny, why don’t you share it with everybody. Hi, D.J. Wanna play school?
D.J.: No. I wanna quit school.
Stephanie: Is that because you ate lunch by yourself today?
D.J.: I wasn’t eating by myself. I was eating alone. There’s a big difference.
Stephanie: Any questions, class? Yes, Mr. Bear? Mr. Bear wants to know why all the kids in school were calling you a “geekburger.”
D.J.: Mr. Bear is going to the principal’s office.
Stephanie: That’s the cafeteria. I told them you weren’t a geekburger. Then they called me geekburger junior. How rude.
D.J.: It’s all Kimmy’s fault. She hates my guts because I wouldn’t let her friends take over the party and wreck my house. Now she turned the whole school against me.
Stephanie: Don’t feel bad. I know you’re not a geekburger.
D.J.: Thanks. And you’re not a geekburger junior.
Stephanie: Thanks back. But until this blows over…I think I’ll change my name. To…Connie Chung.
In the living room
Joey: Danny, the TV is fine. Will you stop Windex-ing? Come on, we’re dying to watch your first show.
Danny: Okay, okay.
Stephanie: Don’t show the tape till Uncle Jesse’s here.
Danny: Oh, the tape. I knew I forgot something.
Becky: No, I have it. It’s in my bag.
Danny: What a team. I forget, and you remember.
Becky: Here it is.
Jesse: That’s a groovy–Have mercy. Hi.
Becky: Hi. You must be Jesse, Danny’s brother-in-law. Danny told me about you.
Jesse: Oh, yeah? What did he say?
Becky: He said he had a brother-in-law named Jesse.
Jesse: Thanks for the buildup, pal. So you must be Rebecca?
Becky: No, please– Please call me Becky.
Jesse: Becky. I like that. Becky, Becky, Becky. I was gonna get something to drink. Would you like something?
Becky: Sure, what do you got?
Jesse: What do you like?
Becky: Whatever you have.
Jesse: Why don’t we get it together, huh?
Jesse: That’s fascinating. I can see why you have your own talk show.
Danny: D.J., is everything okay?
D.J.: Yeah. Fine, Dad. I can’t wait to watch your show.
In the kitchen
Jesse: So have you found an apartment yet?
Becky: I found plenty of them. The problem is they all have people living inside.
Jesse: People. See, I find a sense of humor very attractive in a woman.
Becky: You know, this is gonna sound weird but you remind me of someone.
Jesse: Oh, yeah? Who’s that?
Becky: It’s silly. You don’t wanna hear it.
Jesse: People tell me all the time. Go ahead.
Becky: It’s so ridiculous.
Jesse: Come on, pretty mama, lay it on me.
Becky: You remind me of Corky.
Jesse: Yeah. See, people tell me– Corky?
Becky: My little baby brother. He used to do that same cute Elvis voice.
Jesse: I remind you of your little baby brother?
Becky: Yeah, it’s uncanny. Corky and I would to go up to Sutter’s Pond to catch frogs. And he would always say: “Come on, little froggy mama.”
Jesse: Elvis never said that.
Becky: You really are cute.
Jesse: We are so far from where I wanna be.
In the living room
Danny: Okay, now remember, this is our first show, so we were a little bit nervous.
Jesse: Play the tape.
Stephanie: Just play the tape.
Danny: Why don’t I just play the tape.
Jesse: Great idea.
Danny: Here we go.
TV: Weke up!
Becky on TV: Good morning.
Danny on TV: It’s time to wake up, San Francisco. I’m Danny Tanner.
Becky on TV: And I’m Rebecca Donaldson.
Danny on TV: And we’d like to know all your names, but we’re only an hour show and we’ve only got one phone.
Danny: I thought that was a pretty good ad lib.
Stephanie: Yeah, that was good.
Joey: Danny, that was a terrific 12 seconds. Is there more?
Danny: Oh, yeah. Wait till you see the next 12 seconds.
Danny on TV: Rebecca comes to us from two years as host of A.M. Omaha. Isn’t Nebraska one of the plain states?
Becky on TV: Well, Danny, we heve tried to decorete it.
Danny: You didn’t laugh at my joke.
Stephanie: We were laughing inside.
Joey: Yeah, kind of an internal thing.
Danny: Should I back it up and show it again?
Joey: Danny, we have lives to lead. Okay.
Danny on TV: This is so great. This is so much better than reading sports scores and interviewing sweaty guys.
Danny: Michelle, you just turned off Daddy’s new show.
Stephanie: Dad, wait!
Joey: Yeah, this is a good one. It’s okay. I’ve already seen it.
In D.J. & Stephanie’s bedroom
Jesse: Hello. Yeah, hold on a second. D.J.!
Joey: Here she comes.
Jesse: It’s Kimmy Gibbler.
D.J.: Oh, thanks.
Joey: Something wrong, Deej?
D.J.: I told that kid a million times to keep her junk off my bed.
Jesse: Pretty bummed, aren’t you?
D.J.: No, I’m not bummed.
Jesse: Yes, you are bummed. You always twirl your hair like that when you’re bummed.
D.J.: You’d be bummed too if Kimmy got the whole school saying you’re a geekburger.
Joey: Maybe she called to apologize.
D.J.: Well, she can dial till her fingers fall off. I’m never talking to that little traitor again.
Jesse: Oh, come on D.J. You don’t mean that. Kimmy’s your best friend.
D.J.: Ex-best friend.
Joey: D.J., I know you’re upset with Kimmy, but that doesn’t mean you throw the whole friendship out the window.
D.J.: Ex-friendship out the ex-window.
Joey: You know, I know why you’re so upset. Because the people that can hurt you the most are the people you love the most. Take me and Jesse, for example.
Jesse: Is that the best example?
Joey: It just kind of popped out.
Jesse: Just kidding. No, he’s right. Here. Here’s a perfect story. Just last week, Joey taped over my favorite Elvis video with Pee-wee’s PIeyhouse. I mean, tell me, how would you like to be sitting there watching the king and all of a sudden he’s singing, “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog–” ” l know you are, but what am I?” The point is, Joey made a mistake, but I forgave him. Erasing a friendship is a lot worse than erasing a tape.
D.J.: Well, I still think she’s a nerd bomber.
Joey: D.J., do you remember your beat-up, old, flat soccer ball that I accidentally threw away?
D.J.: You mean the one I scored my first goal with?
Joey: Yeah, that one.
D.J.: Yeah, I remember. I was so mad at you.
Joey: See, you’re not mad at me anymore.
Joey: Well, see…D.J., if you hadn’t forgiven me, we would’ve missed out on all the good times we’ve had between then and now. And all the good times we’re gonna have. You know what I’m saying?
D.J.: You’re saying give Kimmy another chance.
Joey: Sure. Part of having a best friend is being a best friend.Let the hurt go away, not Kimmy.
Stephanie: D.J., Kimmy Gibbler’s downstairs.
D.J.: I guess I’ll go talk to her.
Jesse: Joseph, that– I’m–That was– I’m touched. That was– That was really beautiful.
Joey: I think we really helped the kid out, huh, Ozzie?
Jesse: We sure did, Harriet.
In the living room
D.J.: So go ahead.
Kimmy: Go ahead what?
D.J.: Isn’t that why you came here?
Kimmy: No. My mom told me to come over here and get my presents.
D.J.: But if you don’t apologize, then how can I forgive you?
Kimmy: Forgive me for what? Getting kicked out of my own party?
D.J.: I didn’t kick you out. You left.
Kimmy: Because you embarrassed me in front of Nina and Melissa.
D.J.: What’s wrong with you? I can’t believe you’d rather be friends with girls who really aren’t your friends than friends with a friend who already was your friend.
Kimmy: I don’t know what you just said, but same to you, geekburger.
D.J.: Don’t call me that, Kimmy Gobbler.
Kimmy: Double geekburger with cheese.
D.J.: I hate you.
Kimmy: I hate you too. Mail me my presents.
D.J.: Wait. You can’t leave. How could you call me all those names in school?
Kimmy: I wasn’t the only one. Everybody was calling you….Well, you know, the G word.
D.J.: But you’re supposed to be my friend.
Kimmy: Best friend.
D.J.: Best friend. Well, you know, if we don’t make up, how are we share lockers in junior high.
Kimmy: We won’t get to go to college together.
D.J.: And we won’t be able to marry identical twins and be congresswomen.
Kimmy: We gotta make up or our lives will be ruined. D.J., I really am sorry. I’m sorry I brought those dumb junior high girls to the party. I’m sorry I left with them. I’m sorry they dumped me when they met those two cute guys at the mall. And I’m really sorry I told everybody you were a geekburger. I’m the geekburger.
D.J.: Don’t say that about my best friend. Wait, you never opened up your birthday present. Happy birthday.
Kimmy: This is, like, only the raddest hat in the entire universe!
D.J.: It should be. It cost a fortune.
Kimmy: What do you wanna do now?
D.J.: Why don’t we open up all your presents and then go to mall and exchange them.
Kimmy: But I might like them.
D.J.: No, you won’t. Believe me. I already opened them. You won’t like the denim sweater. It’s, like, not a good color for you.