In the kitchen
Jesse: Okay Michelle, your grandma’s gonna make you an outfit. We have to ge your measurements okay? Okay, hold her arms up, Joey.
Joey: Okay, reach for the sky, Michelle!
Jesse: Sorry, I couldn’t resist those cut little pits of yours. All right, here we go. First, we start off with the chest.
Jesse: And it’s 18 inches.
Jesse: Okay. Now, we go to her tummy, which is 18 inches.
Joey: 18 inches? Michelle, you little butterball. And she’s self-basting.
Jesse: Young lady, you better hope grandma’s not knitting anything with horizontal stripes. All right, let’s get her hips. Here we go.
Joey: Okay, hips.
Jesse: And, 18.
Joey: 18-18-18. Exact same measurements as her father.
Jesse: Stand her up. We gotta get her inseam.
Joey: Okay. Okay, come on.
Jesse: Here we go.
Joey: Stand up, Michelle.
Jesse: Do something fun, make this fun.
Jesse: Do some voices.
Joey: What does a moo-cow say? Moo-cow says, “moo.”
Both: Mooo! Mooo! Mooo!
Kimmy: And your dad lets these people take care of you?
D.J.: Hey, it’s hard to find good help.
Joey: Say “moo.”
In the living room
Kimmy: Wanna come to the church bake sale?
D.J.: I can’t. I’m waiting for my cousin, Steve. I haven’t seen him in 2 years.
Kimmy: D.J., you gotta come. This year I made the Three Wise Men out of strudel.
D.J.: Kimmy, Steve’s like my big brother. We go ice skating, we mess around, we have so much fun. It’s like we’re not even related.
Kimmy: What’s he look like?
D.J.: Well, looks aren’t everything.
Kimmy: A real geek-burger, huh?
D.J.: Well, he does have glasses and braces and zits, but other than that he’s really cute.
Kimmy: Geek-burger with cheese.
Stephanie: Da da da dah! Da da da dah! Hey Steve, da da da dah means get in here!
Steve: Sorry, that was my first da da da dah. Greetings from Baltimore!
Steve: D.J.! how you doing, sport?
D.J.: Hi Steve! What happened to your glasses?
Steve: Oh, I got contacts.
D.J.: Your braces?
Steve: Got them off.
D.J.: your face full of zits?
Steve: They cleared up. One night, I went to bed looking like a nerd and woke up like this. Isn’t nature great?
Kimmy: The best.
Danny: Kimmy, do you realize you just slammed the door in my face?
Kimmy: What door?
Steve: Here, let me help you with that.
Danny: Great. You’ll be staying in our beautiful, spacious alcove.
Steve: All right!
Danny: D.J., can you believe your little cousin Stevie is being offered a baseball scholarship from Stanford? I am really proud of you. I can’t get over how you’ve shot up.
Steve: Yeah, well, I give the credit to good food, plenty of exercise, and all that sleep I got during class.
Kimmy: He’s funny too.
Steve: I’m sorry, we haven’t met.
Kimmy: I’m uh…. I’m uh….
Stephanie: You’re Kimmy Gibbler. How did she make it all the way to 5th grade? Jesse! Joey! Where are you?! Joey: Hey, Steve-O!
Jesse: Hey, cousin Steve!
Steve: Wait, wait, let me guess. Now Uncle Danny’s told me all about you guys. Now, you’ve gotta be Jesse, the great-looking Rock n’ Roller who gets all the girls and spend hours on his hair. And you must be Joey, the guy with all the funny voices.
Danny: Uh, Steve, that’s Joey and this is Jesse.
Joey: But thanks anyways.
Danny: And here’s someone else you haven’t met yet, say “hello” to your mew cousin, Michelle.
Steve: Oh, hi. Hi, sport! Coochie coochie coo! What’s the matter? Don’t you speak baby?
D.J.: Steve, I’ve got our whole weekend planned out. This afternoon, we go ice-skating, okay?
Steve: I don’t know. I kind of felt like playing some basketball.
Danny: All right! B-ball!
Jesse: All right! Let’s go shoot some hoops!
Joey: I’m psyched!
Steve: All right!
D.J.: Let me go get my sweats on!
Danny: Oh, uh, D.J., wait. D.J., somebody’s gotta stay here with Michelle and Stephanie. Would you mind?
D.J.: All right.
Danny: Ah, thanks! We’ll be back in an hour!
Jesse: All right, let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!
Danny: Okay, let’s pass the ball.
Joey: Jess! I’m open!
Joey: Danny, here, I’m open.
Danny: Think fast, Steve!
Joey: Steve, drop-pass I’m open!
Steve: Here, Jess.
Jesse: All right.
Joey: Jess, right here. I’m open.
Jesse: All right, Joey.
Danny: Right here, Joey.
Steve: Right here…
All but Joey: JOEY!
Joey: Got another ball?
Jesse: Let’s go!
In the kitchen
D.J.: This is gonna be great! Steve and I will eat lunch together then I’ll show him these pictures of us from Thanksgiving 2 years ago.
Kimmy: How long is Steve gonna be staying at your house?
D.J.: 3 or 4 days.
Kimmy: Me too.
Stephanie: Okay, we got bologna, salami, cheese, peanut butter and grape jelly.
D.J.: Sounds good. I just hope you didn’t put them all in one sandwich. Here, look at this one.
Kimmy: Oh, neat. Hi, Stevie.
D.J.: Hi, guys, we made lunch!
Guys: Lunch! Food, food, food, food, food, food!
Joey: Hey, Lakers-Celtics game’s on.
Steve: All right! Some more B-ball!
Guys: B-ball, B-ball, B-ball, B-ball, B-ball, B-ball!
Danny: Girls, come watch the game with us.
Stephanie: Glad I saved this!
In the living room
Jesse: Come on! Go!
Danny: I really think the Lakers can repeat as world champions.
Steve: If they do, they’d be the first since Boston in ’69 and ’70.
D.J.: Hey Steve, you like my jeans? They’re brand-new.
Steve: Oh, yeah, great.
Danny: You know, I think that the Lakers have a best record since Portland back in ’78.
Steve: They’ve got everything. They got the speed, power, depth, and, most importantly, the Laker Girls!
D.J.: YES!! What an awesome thing, that just happened.
Stephanie: You don’t have a clue either, do you?
Steve: Does anybody else want another pickle?
D.J.: Oh, we’re out of pickles.
Kimmy: I’ll get you some. If there are no pickles at my house, I’ll take a cab to the market. Bye Stevie!
Steve: Okay, see you later Kammy.
D.J.: That’s Kimmy.
Kimmy: Hey, if it’s “Kammy” to him, it’s “Kammy” to me.
Joey: Jess, I’ll bet you 2 bucks Magic steals the ball.
Jesse: No, not the way Bird’s playing, you’re on.
Danny: Magic steals the ball.
Joey: Yes! 2 Founding Fathers, please! Thank you!
Steve: Joey, that’s incredible!
Joey: I come from a long line of psychics.
Jesse: You mean psychos. Give me a chance to win my money back.
Joey: Okay, I’m getting another vision here. I’ll bet two more bucks that Cooper steals the ball, passes off to Magic, who’ll lead a fast break downcourt, end it with a slam-dunk by Worthy.
Jesse: You’re out of your gourd. All right, you’re on.
Danny: Look at this, Cooper steals the ball, fast break, Magic to Scott to Magic, no-look pass to Worthy. Slam-dunk!!
Jesse: No way!
Steve: That’s amazing!
Joey: Sometimes, I’m so good, I actually win money from myself. Thank you.
Stephanie: Boy, Joey, you didn’t know all this stuff when we watched this game this morning.
Joey: Kids, what an imagination.
Jesse: One final wager, Ah! I’ll bet that if you don’t give my money back, you’re gonna die!
Joey: And I was gonna give you half.
Danny: Baby alert. I gotta check on Michelle.
Steve: Oh, you guys stay here and watch the game. I’ll take care of the kid.
Danny: Oh, thanks. I’m sure you can take care of her, considering you have no experience with an infant whatsoever.
Steve: No problem.
Danny: Help him.
Joey: Hey, nephew Steve’s a great kid.
Danny: Thanks for being so nice to him. Ever since his dad moved out, he hasn’t had much guy stuff.
Stephanie: Yep, us guys gotta stick together.
In Michelle‘s bedroom
Steve: Hey, what’s the matter Michelle? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Grumpy? Bashful? Dopey? Sneezy? Doc?
D.J.: Having fun?
Steve: Oh, yeah, I always have fun here. Your dad’s great.
D.J.: I’m real glad you’re back.
Steve: Hey, is the little kid okay?
D.J.: Uh, I think she needs a changing.
Steve: Uh, no, thank you. Be my guest.
D.J.: You’ll be fine. I just think you need a dry run at this.
Steve: Well, I think we’re a little too late for that.
D.J.: No, I mean practice on the monkey.
Steve: Oh, right. All right.
D.J.: Okay, put the diaper on.
D.J.: Hey, Steve, you wanna go ice skating tomorrow?
Steve: Oh, I can’t, your dad’s taking me to a Warriors game.
D.J.: Okay, well, we can go tomorrow. And since we’ll be right there at the mall, we can go to a movie and eat pizza, and then my friend Jennifer’s having a boy-girl party.
Steve: Well, I’ll be pretty busy the whole time I’m here. I gotta look at some colleges and, besides, I’m a little too old for that kind of stuff.
Steve: Okay, so I tape right, tape left. All right, this monkey’s ready to party!
Danny: Hi, Michelle. How’s everything going, Steve?
Steve: Well, I think this speaks for itself.
Danny: Nice work! Cheetah looks happy!
Danny: Come on, you’re missing it. The Bullets are playing the Pistons.
Steve: Oh, all right! I gotta see this!
Danny: D.J., you have plans for tomorrow afternoon, do you?
D.J.: Not anymore.
Danny: Well, you do now, because we’re all going to the park. How’s some touch football sound?
Steve: Ah, great! Yeah! Then we can play some soccer, basketball, volleyball, and tennis!
Danny: Then we’ll play a game of ” Let’s Rush Uncle Danny to the Hospital”.
Steve: Great. Come on.
Danny: See you.
In the hallway
Danny: Steve, after the game, I’m gonna take you to the locker room and introduce you to the whole team.
Steve: Oh, really? I’ve gotta meet Ralph Sampson, the man is a building.
Danny: The team is a city.
In Michelle‘s bedroom
D.J.: Let’s have a little talk here. What do you think of your cousin Steve? I know. He’s just a big jock. You should’ve known him 2 years ago, back when he was my friend. He doesn’t care about me anymore. All he cares about is sports. Guess you’re just nothing around here, unless you’re one of the guys.
In the living room
D.J.: I really appreciate this. Tomorrow’s my first real game of touch football, and I don’t want to look stupid.
Jesse: Stop, you look stupid already.
D.J.: What did I do?
Jesse: D.J., you don’t call it “football.” You call it “FOOTBALL!!”
Jesse: Yes. That’s it. You got lesson number 1. Now, lesson number 2, the ever-popular psych-out. No words, just sheer intensity. Observe.
Jesse: Well, it’s something like that.
Joey: Something like that.
Jesse: Let’s show her. Let’s run a play. Watch this. Okay, do a Down and out, fake to the flag, button-hook back, and I’ll hit you.
Joey: Got it.
Jesse: Here we go. You’re going to love this! Ready? Hut, hut, hut! Go! All right. Go, Joey! Watch this. I’m reading the defense, right? I’m checking the pass rush. I’m checking my receivers. I’m still checking my receivers. I’m checking my watch. Joey! Where are you?!
Joey: Sorry. I just stopped off for a quick bite in the secondary. Hit me, I’m open! Touch down!
Jesse: Spike it! The football! Yeah!
D.J.: Now this is fun! How do you guys know all this?
Joey: Well, because we’re guys.
Jesse: Yeah. You see, it’s in our blood. Guys are just born knowing how to play…
Jesse: All right.
In the park
Jesse: Half that money’s mine, kid.
Kimmy: Want another one of my sandwiches?
Steve: Ah, no thanks. Three’s enough.
D.J.: Speaking of basketball, did you know that Wilt Chamberlain scored the most points ever in an NBA game? And Moses Malone joined the league right out of high school. And if the Bulls ever built their team around Michael Jordan, they’d be unstoppable! Enough talk, let’s play FOOTBALL!!
Danny: All right, we’ll pick teams. I’ll be a captain, because it’s my football.
Jesse: All right, I’ll be a captain.
Joey: Because your hair looks like a helmet.
Jesse: Watch Michelle. There you go. Let’s go. Let’s pick.
Danny: Okay, the first person I’m going to pick is… my man, Steve!
Steve: Yeah! All right, Uncle Danny.
Jesse: Let’s me see, the first person I’m gonna pick is… my man, D.J.!
D.J.: Yeah! I want you! I want you!
Danny: Let me see…
Kimmy: If I’m not on Steve’s team, I’ll die.
Kimmy: Way to go, big Stevie!
Jesse: Okay, here we go. Let’s see, I’ll pick… I need someone with good hands… I need someone with good hands. I’ll pick my man, Michelle! Come on, Michelle. High-five. High-five.
Stephanie: Can you believe he picked Michelle over me?
Joey: Steph, please, I have my own problems.
Danny: Okay, Steph. You can be on our team.
Joey: Somebody please pick me before a stray dog shows up?
Jesse: Okay, we’ll take Joey, but you guys gotta spot us a touchdown.
Danny: That’s only fair.
D.J.: Enough messing around, let’s play FOOTBALL!!
Jesse: Here we go. Now you guys remember, the end zones are that bench and this tree here. Let’s go, Joey, let’s get this game underway. Here we go! Here we go! All right.
Joey: All right.
D.J.: Gibbler, you’re dead meat!
Jesse: All right. Hut, hut, hut!
Danny: Here we go. Here we go.
Jesse: D.J., D.J.!!
D.J.: Yes! Whoo! Touch down!
Jesse, Joey & D.J.: Yeah! In your face!
Kimmy: Don’t worry about it, big guy!
Steve: You know, I’m worried about you.
D.J.: Told you you were dead meat, Gibbler! Steve! Aren’t we having the best time?
D.J.: What are you looking at, chump?
Stephanie: Nothing, fool!
Kimmy: Let’s get tem Stevie!
Steve: Yeah. Don’t even think about it!
Danny: Okay, Steph. Here we go.
Jesse: Here we go.
Danny: On three, hut, hut, hut! All right. Here Steph! Go! Come on!
Jesse: Got her! We almost fell for the old Statue of Stephanie trick.
Steve: All right, you girls had your fun. Now it’s time for us guys to play some real football. Yeah!
D.J.: Hey! Just because we’re girls doesn’t mean we can’t play. Let’s put the ball down and see what you guys are made of.
Danny: Okay, Steph. Let’s go.
Steve: Here we go.
Jesse: Here we go! Let’s play.
Danny: Here we go! Ready, sweetie? Okay, on two. Hut, hut!
Stephanie: I like three better.
Danny: Sorry. You’re right. My mistake. Okay, on three, hut, hut, hut! Yes. Come on, Steph. Steve, go long!
Steve: I’m going long.
Steve: D.J., what are you doing?
D.J.: Playing foot ball, man.
Steve: Well, look this is touch football, what’s your problem?
D.J.: I got no problem, you got a problem?
Steve: Yeah, that was a pass interference, automatic first down.
D.J.: No way, you wimp!
Danny: D.J., Steve’s right. You were way out of line. We’re not playing tackle.
D.J.: Oh sure, take Steve’s side. You guys are such buddies. Why don’t you just adopt him, that’s what you want, isn’t it? Great, now I’m gonna start crying like a little girl.
Joey: Half Time.
Jesse: Half Time.
Kimmy: Shake it off, big fella!
Danny: D.J., what’s with the “why don’t you adopt him” stuff?
D.J.: Oh, come on, Dad, it’s pretty obvious. You’re taking Steve to ball games, having fun, high-fives all over the place.
Danny: You know Steve’s dad moved out last year. Steve needs me right now. It’s real important for him to–
D.J.: I know, hang out with the guys.
Danny: What’s wrong with that?
D.J.: Nothing, unless you’re a girl. Dad, I want to spend time with him too. We used to be such good friends. I don’t know what happened.
Danny: I’ll tell you what happened. Steve’s grown up a lot in the past two years. He’s becoming a young man. D.J., I know you’re having a hard time with this, but that’s no reason to clean his clock.
D.J.: Fine, Dad. I’ll go take Michelle and Stephanie, and we’ll go play Duck Duck Goose.
In D.J. and Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: Who is it?
Steve: It’s Steve, can I come in?
D.J.: Yeah, I guess.
Steve: You sure it’s safe?
Steve: Thanks, I, uh, I didn’t wanna make the wrong move and get creamed again. Well, uh, I’ve been here two days, and this is the first time I’ve been up to your room.
D.J.: You’re a busy guy.
Steve: Yeah, well, my schedule opened up, and I was hoping maybe I could talk to you.
D.J.: To me? You wanna talk to little old me?
Steve: Yeah, look, D.J., I was..I was wondering why you clobbered me.
D.J.: Because I felt like it.
Steve: Well, why did you feel like it?
D.J.: Because I did.
Steve: Well, why did you?
D.J.: Because I was mad at you. I was really looking forward to you visiting, and you didn’t even want to go ice skating. I thought we could do stuff like we did last time. I miss the old Steve.
Steve: D.J., I’m still the same Steve.
D.J.: No, you’re not, the old Steve wouldn’t have taken this long to come up to my room.
Steve: D.J., I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Look, but I’m here now. D.J., I’m still your cousin, and I still love you. So don’t you think we can try and be friends again?
D.J.: You seem so much older than me now.
Steve: Well, I know it may seem like a big difference now because I’m 17 and you’re 11, but, you know, when I’m 100 and you’re 94, you’ll probably hardly even notice the difference.
D.J.: So you wanna start all over?
Steve: Great idea. All right, I’ll go outside, and I’ll come right back in.
Steve: Da da da dah! Greetings from Baltimore!
D.J.: Hi, Steve! What happened to your braces, glasses and zits?
Steve: All gone. Isn’t nature great? Hey, I got to great idea! What do you say we go ice skating?
D.J.: No, that’s for little kids. But if you really wanna go….