In D.J. and Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: Oh, like you never do this.
Kimmy: Not like that. Check it out, D.J. I’m out of school tomorrow.
D.J.: Really? “Please excuse Kimmy from school. Our family rabbit is having bunnies, and we want Kimmy to share the miracle.” Your mother wrote this?
Kimmy: No. My parents are in Vegas. My big brother wrote it. It cost me 20 bucks but I got the money from his wallet.
D.J.: So this means you can go to the mini mall and get Stacey Q’s autograph.
D.J. & Kimmy: Stacey Q. She’s so rad.
Stephanie: Hi . What are you doing? What are you talking about? Can I play? Hello? Hello?
D.J.: Steph, let me explain this one more time. Your world is down here. Our world is up here.
Stephanie: Okay, now can I play?
In the living room
Danny: Girls, come on down and say goodbye. Okay. Here’s a few phone numbers you might need while I’m down in L.A. Pediatrician, grandma, police, fire department, the other grandma, poison control, dentist.
Jesse: You left off the White House and the equalizer.
Danny: Okay. Maybe I’m overreacting. It’s just that it’s my first night away from the girls overnight.
D.J.: Bye, Dad.
Stephanie: Bye. We’ll miss you.
D.J.: We’ll miss you.
Danny: I’m gonna miss my girls. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you.
Stephanie: Daddy, take it easy. You’re hugging other people’s kids.
Danny: Sorry, Kimmy. Now, you all know that while I’m gone…Uncle Jesse and Joey, they’re gonna be in charge. So you’ll be on your best behavior, right?
D.J.: We won’t let you down, Dad.
Joey: Come on, girls. Time for bed. Let’s go.
Jesse: Let’s go, girls. Steph, let’s go. Come on.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, can I stay up 15 extra minutes?
Jesse: Absolutely not.
Danny: Bye-bye, honey.
D.J.: Dad, before you go…you wouldn’t mind if I got an autograph of my favorite singer, Stacey Q, would you?
Danny: No, not at all.
D.J.: Great. You’re the best dad. Just sign this note excusing me from school tomorrow, and have a wonderful trip.
Danny: Nice try, D.J.
D.J.: Oh, come on, Dad. You just said I could have the autograph. I’d only be missing one day of school.
Danny: I’m sorry.
D.J.: I’ll make it up. I’ll go to school on Christmas.
Danny: D.J., we all have our jobs. My job is to go to L.A. and cover a surfing competition. Your job is to go to school.
D.J.: Kimmy gets to go. Why can’t I?
Danny: Because you’re not Kimmy. I don’t know why Kimmy’s missing school…but there’s a lot of things about Kimmy that I don’t understand.
D.J.: If I don’t get this autograph, I’ll die.
Danny: D.J., no one has ever died from lack of autograph. I really gotta go. Now, come on, give your father a big hug.
D.J.: Goodbye, Father.
Danny: Come here, daughter. Give your dad a hug. Have a good time. See you tomorrow afternoon.
Kimmy: Sorry, D.J.
D.J.: This isn’t over yet.
In Jesse‘s bedroom
Jesse: Oh, God, that’s horrible.
D.J.: I loved it.
Jesse: Really? I could be wrong.
D.J.: I think you’re so talented. You’re charming, good-looking, funny. Great head of hair.
Jesse: Okay, what do you want? By the way, whatever it is, you got it.
D.J.: Can I interview you? I have an essay to do on the person I admire most. And, of course, I picked you.
Jesse: Well, yes. Yes. Sure. Here. Sit. Go. Be. Do. Well, it all started about 150 years ago with my great-great-grandfather Spiro.
D.J.: Uncle Jesse, let’s skip ahead to your life. I bet you were pretty wild as a little kid, huh?
Jesse: D.J., you might say I was a rebel munchkin. In fact, you know, my coloring book. I used to color on the outside of the lines. On purpose.
D.J.: You were bad.
Jesse: You bet.
D.J.: I bet you got away with all kinds of stuff. You probably ditched school a lot, huh?
Jesse: Well. Not a lot, but once in a while. Not that I’m proud of it…but I was the best. Not that I’m proud of that, either. I remember this one time I’m particularly not proud of. I was dying to see the Rolling Stones farewell concert. It was either their fifth or their sixth. It was their sixth.
D.J.: Get to the ditching part, please.
Jesse: Oh, sure. Well, what happened was, I just ran your basic sick scam. You know, I mean, I said I had a fever, and cold hands and red eyes. And, of course, those two magical words: I’m sick.
D.J.: Slow down. I can’t write that fast.
Jesse: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s “I’m sick.” Five I’s. There you go. Good. See, meantime, I tell my mom, you know, “I really wanna go to school.” But she calls me in sick anyway.
D.J.: So then how’d you go to the concert?
Jesse: Here comes the genius of your Uncle J. What I did was…10 minutes later, I convinced my mom that I’m all better. So she sends me to school.
D.J.: And since she already called the school….
Jesse: They weren’t expecting me.
D.J.: And you were free to get the autograph. I mean, to go to the concert. Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Sure. Anyway, after the concert–What is this? That’s the end of the interview?
D.J.: No. What’s your favorite color?
D.J.: Thank you.
In the bathroom
D.J.: A hundred and six. Hospital. A hundred and four. Doctor. A hundred and one. Out of school.
In D.J. and Stephanie’s bedroom
Stephanie: What’s wrong?
D.J.: I’m sick.
Stephanie: Poor baby. I’ll get Joey. You just need some peace and quiet. Joey, get in here! Get in here!
Joey: What is it? What’s wrong?
Stephanie: She’s sick. I’ll get you some juice, D.J. I wish I could get you Stacey Q’s autograph.
Joey: D.J., you’re burning up. You have a fever, 101.
D.J.: A hundred and one? Let me see.
Joey: D.J., your hands feel like icicles.
D.J.: They do. But, Joey, I have to go to school today. There’s a big test on C– C– Canada.
Joey: You want to go to school? You must be really sick. I’m calling school right now.
D.J.: I am so rad.
In the kitchen
Joey: Michelle, you’re doing a great job. Yeah. Tomorrow I’m gonna show you how to vacuum.
D.J.: Hi, Joey.
Joey: What are you doing out of bed?
D.J.: My hands are warm, my head is cool. I can go to school.
Joey: Freeze. Move it. I need to see your license, registration and forehead. You feel fine. How can that possibly be?
D.J.: It’s a miracle.
Joey: No, the miracle would be is if I fell for this. I know exactly what’s going on.
D.J.: Oh, no. You do?
Joey: What do you think, I’m an idiot? It’s obvious. You felt so guilty about getting out of that test with that phony sick bit that you finally broke down and decided to go to school.
D.J.: That’s exactly right. Boy, I can’t fool you.
Joey: No, you really can’t, Deej. You’re a classy kid. I’m proud of you.
D.J.: Right. Well, I’m off to school to take that test.
Joey: No speeding. Michelle, your daddy is gonna be very happy when he sees the way that I’m handling things. Here you go. No, Michelle. I wash. You dry.
In the mini mall
D.J.: We gotta be cool.
Stacey Q: Hi.
D.J. & Kimmy: She’s so rad!
Stacey Q: Thanks for coming down.
D.J.: You’re welcome, Miss Q.
Stacey Q: Stacey. Who should I make these out to?
Kimmy: I’m Kimmy. Two M’s, a Y, an I and a K. But not in that order.
D.J.: And you can make mine to D.J. “The girl who’s like a sister to me, who I’ll take to the Grammy Awards.” Or just “To D.J.”
Stacey Q: Here you go, girls. See you soon.
D.J.: She wants to be our friend. Look at mine.
Kimmy: Look at her hair. Her jacket.
D.J.: It’s Joey! Oh, hide, hide. Go.
Joey: What’s the matter? You want down? Okay. Don’t buy too many Chipmunk CDs.
D.J.: No, no, no. Go back to Joey. No. Go away. Go. Go. Go get Benny. Take it to Joey. Go get Benny. Go pick up Benny. Take it to Joey. Good, good. Now, go take it to Joey. He’s over there. Go, go. Take it to Joey. I don’t believe it. I taught her this game.
Joey: Come here, Michelle. Come here. Can you save my place? I gotta get my baby. My little baby. It’s not really even my baby. You don’t care.
D.J.: Go find Joey. You found Joey.
Joey: D.J.? What are you doing here?
D.J.: Getting busted. What are you doing here?
Joey: I was so impressed with your honesty that I came down here to get you an autograph. D.J., this is not cool. I trusted you. Give me that autograph. Come on. Let’s go. We’re going home.
D.J.: This is so humiliating.
In the kitchen
Joey: You know, Michelle, it’s a shame kids have to grow up. I mean, why can’t they stay like you, so sweet, so innocent. So ladylike.
Jesse: Joey, what’s the emergency?
Joey: D.J. cut school to get Stacey Q’s autograph.
Jesse: I left work early for that? Joseph, do you realize I was this close to finally figuring out where that line of ants actually begins? How you doing, kid?
Joey: She did more than cut school, Jess. She completely faked me out.
Jesse: You? No.
Joey: Jesse, this plan was diabolical. She faked the flu. I called in sick for her. Then boom, she’s better, and she takes off, just like that. The conniving little sneak.
Jesse: Oh, Joey, she’s not a conniving little sneak. I gave her that plan.
Joey: You what?
Jesse: Well, she was interviewing me for her essay on the person she admires most. There’s no essay. That conniving little sneak.
Joey: Danny’s gone. We’re in charge. Now, what are we gonna do?
Jesse: All right, let’s think about this. See, when I was a kid and I got in trouble, my dad showed me no mercy. He took so many privileges away, that to this day, when I go visit my parents…I gotta go straight to my room. No TV, no dinner.
Joey: Well, whenever I was bad, my dad would sit me down…talk about right and wrong, and good and bad for hours and hours, on and on…until finally I just beat the hell out of myself.
Jesse: The worst part, though, the worst part, was when my dad gave me the “dad” face. You know, it was– It was like this:
Joey: The “dad” face. That’s good. Let me try it.
Jesse: No, no, Joey. That’s the I-just-ate-bad-chili face.
In D.J. and Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: You don’t have to do that. I feel bad enough. I’m really sorry. I totally blew it. I’ll never do anything like this again.
Jesse: Regardless, but Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady. Misconduct? Young lady? I really am turning into my father. If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to match, throw me down the stairs.
Joey: I’d be honored. D.J., we’re gonna have to punish you. So no TV for two weeks.
Jesse: What, you call that punishment? No TV, no music for two weeks.
Joey: Oh, yeah? I see your no TV and no music for two weeks and I raise you no friends over for a month.
Jesse: I call. No TV, no music and no friends over for a month. Are we agreed, young lady?
D.J.: Sure. I deserve to be punished. Dad trusted me, and I let him down. I hate myself.
Jesse: Excuse us. Listen, man, I think the kid is sorry. I mean, she’s been punished. I think when Danny comes back fromL.A., maybe we shouldn’t tell him about this.
Joey: Don’t you think he has a right to know.
Jesse: But we don’t want him to think we can’t take care of them.
Joey: You’re absolutely right. I forgot about that. He may never wanna leave again.
Jesse: Good thinking.
Joey: All right. D.J., we’re not gonna tell your dad what happened.
D.J.: Well, all right. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
In the living room
Joey: “The bunny and the ducky and the turtle and the frog…all rode home on a rainbow. And smiled for the rest of their lives.”
Jesse: I love this story.
Joey: Yeah. See.
Danny: Cowabunga, dudes.
D.J.: Hi, Dad.
Danny: Hey. Hey. I missed my little dudettes. Let me “dudette”again.
Jesse: L.A. claims another victim. How did everything go here?
Jesse, Joey & D.J.: Great. Yeah, it’s fine.
Stephanie: Hi, Daddy.
Stephanie: D.J., you look so much better.
Danny: You look so much better?
D.J.: Yeah. I got my hair done.
Stephanie: You got gypped. I thought you were sick.
D.J.: Right. Sick of this hairstyle.
Jesse: That’s good. Steph, walk with me. Talk with me. Listen. How about if we play a game entitled “Let’s not talk about D.J.” okay?
Stephanie: Okay. Anybody wanna play “Let’s not talk about D.J.”?
Jesse: See, now you’ve lost the game. Your punishment is that you have to go into the kitchen and cook us dinner.
Stephanie: I don’t know how to cook.
Jesse: Polish the silver.
Danny: Why are we not talking about D.J.? Was D.J. sick this morning?
Joey: Well, she was a little under the weather, but we got her right back on her feet and shipped her right to school.
Jesse: Exactly. She was hardly worth mentioning, so we didn’t mention it. Everything is great.
Danny: Oh. Well, good.
Stephanie: D.J., since you missed school today…your teacher asked me to give you your homework.
D.J.: Thank you so much.
Stephanie: You’re welcome.
Joey: Now, see, that’s a good “dad” face right there.
Danny: Donna Jo.
D.J.: I tricked Uncle Jesse into teaching me how to fool Joey into thinking I was sick so I could cut school to get that autograph. But then Michelle busted me, and Joey took me home…on a leash.
Stephanie: You liar. You made me a liar too. I lied to Joey, to your teacher and everybody. I thought I knew you, but I don’t. I share my rinse cup with a stranger.
Stephanie: I even made you a get-well card. Here. Get well.
Danny: D.J., go wait for me upstairs.
Jesse: You know, Joey, I’m starting to feel hungry.
Joey: Me too.
Danny: Guys, come back.
Jesse: I’m not that hungry.
Joey: No, me neither.
Danny: I wanna know everything that goes on in my daughters’ lives. Look, I don’t expect you to be perfect parents, but I do expect you to be honest. I don’t know why– I don’t know why– I don’t know why I’m wagging my finger at you like this. Look. I don’t wanna lecture you guys. I’d be lost here without you. But did you have to lie to me?
Joey: We didn’t want you to think we couldn’t handle things.
Jesse: We wanted you to know you could go and everything would be cool with your kids.
Joey: If there’s a problem, we should get it out in the open.
Jesse: That’s right. We should work things out together as a family. In fact, Joey, say you’re sorry and mean it.
Joey: I’m sorry. Now you say it.
Jesse: Okay. I’m sorry. Okay?
Jesse: Thanks for the talk.
In D.J. and Stephanie’s bedroom
D.J.: Steph, what are you doing?
Stephanie: I’m making a get-sick card.
D.J.: I said I was sorry.
Stephanie: Lecture time. See you.
Danny: Steph, I think you should stay.
Stephanie: Why do I get a lecture? I didn’t do anything.
Danny: But you will, so take accurate notes. D.J., come over here. Why did you do what you did today?
D.J.: Because I wanted that autograph more than anything.
Danny: Do you know what the worst part is about what you did?
D.J.: That I cut school?
Stephanie: That you tricked Stephanie?
Danny: That you were selfish. All you cared about was D.J. You did whatever you had to do to get D.J. what she wanted…even if it meant lying and hurting other people.
D.J.: I don’t wanna be selfish. And I don’t wanna hurt other people’s feelings.
Danny: I know you don’t. I think you really care about other people.
D.J.: I’m really sorry, Dad.
Danny: Well…I know next time you’ll think things through a lot more carefully. Because you’re a lot better than what I saw today. Come here.
Stephanie: Daddy, am I your favorite now?
Danny: No, no. No matter what happens, I’m always gonna love all three of you exactly the same.
Stephanie: Oh, all right.
Danny: I wish Michelle was here. I like her the best.
D.J. & Stephanie: Hey.