ラブ・アゲイン(2011年)

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FADE IN:

1 INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT (PASADENA, CA) – EVENING 1

Soft music. A classy joint. Below the tables, WE PAN
well-heeled feet nuzzling. Finally we SETTLE ON:

A PAIR OF FEET

WHITE SNEAKERS sitting opposite FANCY HIGH HEELS. These
feet aren’t nuzzling. There’s distance here.

PULL UP, REVEALING CAL WEAVER (42) and his wife, TRACY
(41). A handsome couple. He’d be JFK to her Jackie O…
if he gave a shit. Unfortunately, he doesn’t (i.e.:
white sneakers in fancy French restaurant).

Cal pulls out READING GLASSES, looks at the menu.

CAL
Well, I’m full. You were right,
hon. I shouldn’t have eaten all
that bread.
(THEN)
Want to just share a dessert?

Tracy is lost in thought, gazing at a menu.

CAL
You okay, babe? You seem out of
it.

TRACY
Yeah, I’m just thinking about what
I want.

CAL
Me too. Okay, let’s say it at the
same time. One. Two. Three…
TRACY CAL
I want a divorce. Creme Brulee.

CUT TO:

2 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (PASADENA) – SAME EVENING 2

JESSICA (17) chases after MOLLY (9). Jessica’s skinny,
wears glasses, a hipster T-shirt. In five years, she’s
going to make all the boys’ heads spin. But not yet.

(CONTINUED)
2.
2 CONTINUED: 2
JESSICA
I’m gonna getcha! I’m gonna
getcha!

She grabs Molly and tickles her. Molly SQUEALS with
delight. As she kicks… SMASH! A picture falls off the
nearby console. Jessica picks it up:

ON SMASHED PHOTO

Cal and Tracy. This is their house.

BACK TO SCENE

JESSICA
It’s okay, my fault.
(THEN)
Alright, kiddo, it’s getting late,
let’s get you to bed before your
parents get home. Don’t give me
the puppy eyes, you little maniac.
Go brush your teeth!

Molly GIGGLES, RUNS upstairs. Once Molly’s gone, Jessica
looks at the photo. She eyes Cal affectionately.

CUT TO:

3 INT. BAR 3

Meanwhile, TWO YOUNG PROFESSIONAL WOMEN drink and laugh
at a table. HANNAH (24) is clearly buzzed.
HANNAH
I don’t care. I love him and
given the opportunity, I’d have
his babies.

Her best friend, LIZ (29), LAUGHS.

LIZ
Seriously? Conan O’Brien? You’d
do Conan O’Brien?

HANNAH
I’m just saying, Richard’s a lot
of things: successful, smart…

LIZ
Boring, workaholic, sexually
repressed…

(CONTINUED)
3.
3 CONTINUED: 3
HANNAH
But he’s not very funny, that’s
all.

LIZ
Yeah, well, you want funny, go
watch `Cosby’ reruns. You want a
good lay, go get yourself some
of… that.

She motions off to the side.

HANNAH
What?

LIZ
The hot piece that’s been checking
you out for the last hour.

THE CROWD PARTS, revealing: JACOB PALMER (32). The
smoothest, coolest son-of-a-bitch you’ve ever seen. He
tilts his glass at them, toasting.

4 INT. LEXUS SUV 4

Meanwhile, Cal sits in the passenger seat, dazed. A “to-
go” box from the French restaurant in his lap. Tracy
drives.

TRACY
Aren’t you going to say anything?

Nothing.

TRACY
Almost twenty-five years of
marriage, you have nothing to say?

She looks at him. He turns to her, about to say
something, then… stops himself. Turns back forward.

It’s silent. Devastating.

CUT BACK TO:

5 INT. CAL AND TRACY’S HOUSE 5

Meanwhile, Jessica (the baby-sitter) stops at a bedroom
door. She hears MUSIC coming from inside, puts her ear
to the door. It’s Lady Gaga. It’s awful.

She smiles, knocks and opens the door at the same time.

(CONTINUED)
4.
5 CONTINUED: 5
JESSICA
Hey, your sister’s asleep, just
checking you’re alive —

She SCREAMS as —

ANOTHER ANGLE

ROBBIE WEAVER (13), quickly covers himself up. He was
masturbating.

ROBBIE
Close the door!

BACK TO JESSICA

who slams the door shut.

JESSICA
(THROUGH DOOR)
I’m sorry, Robbie! I didn’t see
anything, I swear.

BACK INSIDE ROOM

Robbie lies there frozen, horrified.

6 INT. BAR 6

Meanwhile, where Liz and Hannah keep drinking.

LIZ
I don’t know, Hannah. Your life
is just so… PG-13.

Hannah’s mouth drops open.

HANNAH
My life is not PG-13!

LIZ
It so is. You’ve never left LA.
You pass the bar you’re gonna be,
what, a patent lawyer, probably
married to that snooze-fest
Richard. I just worry about you
is all. Hell, you’ve resorted to
fantasizing about Conan `Ginger-
Dick’ O’Brien.

(CONTINUED)
5.
6 CONTINUED: 6
HANNAH
(ADORABLE)
He’s funny.

LIZ
He looks like a carrot, honey.

Hannah LAUGHS.

VOICE (O.S.)
Who?

They turn. It’s Jacob Palmer (the stud from earlier).

LIZ
Hi.

JACOB
Hi. Who looks like a carrot?

LIZ
Conan O’Brien. My friend Hannah
thinks he’s sexy.

JACOB
I think your friend Hannah is
sexy.

Hannah LAUGHS.

HANNAH
You didn’t really just say that.

JACOB
Pretty sure I did.

HANNAH
How old are you?

JACOB
Thirty-three next month.

HANNAH
Then you should know by now that
cheesy pick-up lines don’t work.

Jacob sits down at their table, uninvited.

JACOB
I find you incredibly sexy. It’s
a fact, not a cheesy pick-up line.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
6.
6 CONTINUED: (2) 6
JACOB (CONT’D)
There are many attractive women in
this bar — including your friend
here — and I’ve been unable to
take my eyes off you, only you,
for the past two hours. Again:
not a cheesy pick-up line, just a
fact.
(THEN)
Answer this quickly, without
thinking about your answer: do
you find me attractive?

Hannah doesn’t flinch.

HANNAH
I don’t.

JACOB
Yes you do.

LIZ
Yes, she does.

JACOB
I’m an accomplished lover. If you
come home with me, I am confident
you will leave satisfied.
Multiple times.

HANNAH
You’ve got to be kiddi–

JACOB
We’ll make love and it will be
amazing. You’ll laugh afterwards
and say `I never do this kind of
thing.’ Then you’ll do it again.

HANNAH
Is that so?

JACOB
It is. So now I’m going to ask if
I can buy you another drink. If
you say yes, we’ll have one more
cocktail each — just enough to
start losing inhibitions, not
enough to get sloppy, after all:
I promised to satisfy you.

LIZ
Multiple times.

(CONTINUED)
7.
6 CONTINUED: (3) 6
JACOB
That’s right. So, here we go,
Hannah: can I buy you a drink?

Hannah and Liz share a look.

HANNAH
What do you expect me to say to
that?

JACOB
Margarita, rocks, salt.

HANNAH
Wow.

She STANDS, grabs her coat and Liz’s hand.

HANNAH
Okay, time to go.

Liz doesn’t move.

LIZ
I’ll go home with you, you can
call me Hannah, I don’t give a
CRAP —

HANNAH
Liz!

LIZ
(whispering to him)
Another time, maybe.

GIGGLING, the girls leave the bar.

7 INT. LEXUS SUV 7

Still driving, Tracy looks at Cal. He remains silent.

TRACY
I’m unhappy, Cal. I’ve tried not
to be. We’ve been married so
long, somewhere we became…
stagnant, you know?

He keeps staring straight ahead.

TRACY
Okay, you’re not talking and you
know that only makes me talk more.
Maybe that’s good, maybe that’s
good. Okay…
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
8.
7 CONTINUED: 7
TRACY (CONT’D)
(THEN)
There’s this person.

No response.

TRACY
We’ve been spending time together.
Lunches, meetings, that kind of
stuff…

Silence. She closes her eyes tightly.

TRACY
I slept with him. Kind of.

Tracy opens one eye, taking a peek. Nothing.

TRACY
No, no kind of. I can’t believe I
said kind of. That’s just not
something you do in a kind of way.
I slept with someone. There. I
said it. I slept with someone.
Oh God. It’s the worst thing I’ve
ever done but it feels so good to
say out loud. I slept with
someone. I SLEPT with someone. I
slept with SOMEONE. I slept with
… please stop me, please say
something.

No reaction.

TRACY
David Jacobowitz. From work. You
met him at the Christmas party.
You remember that party? They had
the giant paper-maché wreath? I
kept asking the decorator how he
made it? You wore that sweater —

Finally, Cal speaks —

CAL
Please stop.

TRACY
The last person in the world I’d
ever want to hurt was you, Cal —

CAL
If you keep talking, I’m going to
get out of the car.

(CONTINUED)
9.
7 CONTINUED: (2) 7
TRACY
But the fact that I did, that it
could happen at all, I think it
just shows how broken we are and —

CAL
Okay.

Just like that, Cal OPENS THE DOOR to the moving car and,
simply, steps out. Tracy SCREAMS as Cal goes flying.

She screeches to a stop as he tumbles to the curb in her
rearview mirror.

8 EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS ACTION 8

Tracy runs to him. He’s on the curb, BLOODIED but okay.

TRACY
Are you out of your mind!?

He looks up at her, pleading.

CAL
I’ll leave tonight, I’ll sign
whatever you want me to sign, if
you’ll just stop talking about it.

She touches his bloody forehead, affectionate. There’s
still something here.

TRACY
Okay.

CAL
Okay.

He stands, limps back to the car.

9 INT. THE WEAVER HOUSE 9

Meanwhile, Jessica sits on the living room couch. Robbie
ENTERS, stands there. He’s a precocious, adorable,
masturbation-addicted, thirteen-year-old.

ROBBIE
I’m sorry that you had to see
that.

She keeps staring straight ahead.

JESSICA
I should have knocked.
(CONTINUED)
10.
9 CONTINUED: 9
Silence. After a long beat.

ROBBIE
For the record: I think about you
while I do it —

JESSICA
Robbie!

ROBBIE
I have a picture of you and I look
at it the whole time —

JESSICA
Stop it!

ROBBIE
I love you, Jessica. And I know
you’re seventeen, and I know I
just turned thirteen, which is the
same age as your little brother,
and you’re technically my baby-
sitter, but someday soon our age
difference will be inconsequential
which is good because…

JESSICA
ROBBIE —

ROBBIE
I’m pretty sure you’re my
soulmate.

She stops, looks at him and smiles gently.

JESSICA
Listen, Robbie —

LIZ (O.S.)
We’re home.

ROBBIE
Shit.

Jessica jumps off the couch.

JESSICA
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Weaver. How was
dinner…
(NOTICING)
Oh my God, Mr. Weaver, you’re
bleeding. Why are you bleeding?

(CONTINUED)
11.
9 CONTINUED: (2) 9
CAL
Mrs. Weaver told me she wants a
divorce so I jumped out of the
car. Hope the kids behaved. Come
on, I’ll drive you home.

Robbie steps INTO FRAME.

ROBBIE
Dad?

CAL
Oh. I didn’t know you were here.

ROBBIE
You’re getting divorced?

CAL
Yes.

TRACY
Cal!

ROBBIE
And you jumped out of a car?

CAL
A moving car, yes.

TRACY
Cal!

CAL
(TO ROBBIE)
I’m sorry you found out this way.

ROBBIE
I’m sorry you jumped out of a car.

CAL
Thanks.
(THEN)
Jessica, you got your coat?

JESSICA
Uh-huh.

10 INT. LEXUS SUV – LATER 10

Cal drives now. Jessica in the front. Awkward.
Finally, Cal starts talking to himself. Almost shell-
shocked.

(CONTINUED)
12.
10 CONTINUED: 10
CAL
We’ll talk to the kids tomorrow.
Tell them we’re separating. Just
separating. We’ll do it together.

He thinks.

CAL
I’ll have to tell Nanna. Uch,
she’s gonna be crushed. But not
right now. She’s got enough to
worry about…

He trails off. Another long beat of silence, then he
remembers his company and turns toward Jessica.

CAL
(WITH ENERGY)
So, I hear Stanford early
admission, huh. I know your dad
is so proud.

JESSICA
Yeah.
(THEN)
You’re bleeding real bad, Mr.
Weaver.

She goes to touch his eye. Out of nowhere… he starts
BANGING THE SHIT out of his steering wheel.

CAL
David Jacobowitz! Are you kidding
me!? DAVID FUCKING JACOBOWITZ!
GOD DAMN HER!

He calms down, slowly. Pulls up to a DRIVEWAY.

CAL
Sorry about that.

JESSICA
It’s okay.

Jessica reaches for the door, but stops. She takes a
deep breath, adorable.

JESSICA
Mr. Weaver, I know you don’t know
me very well, but I’ve been baby-
sitting for your family for three
years. You’re the nicest dad of
any of the families I baby-sit
for, by a country mile.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
13.
10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
JESSICA (CONT’D)
You’re funny, and you’re always
really generous, and you’re the
only dad who’s excited —
genuinely excited — to check on
his kids when he gets home from
dinner. Now I like Mrs. Weaver, I
like her a lot, but if she wants
to divorce you, well… then I
think she’s batshit crazy.

Cal smiles, distracted but grateful.

JESSICA
In fact — and, I hope this
doesn’t make you uncomfortable —
I think I’ve even developed a
LITTLE CRUS–

CAL
(NOT LISTENING)
Hey: do me a favor — can you not
mention what’s going on between
Mrs. Weaver and I to your parents?
It’s probably better they hear it
from us. Okay?

JESSICA
Uh-huh.

CAL
That’s my girl.

Jessica awkwardly gets out of the car.

CAL
Hey, Jessica? Thanks for
listening.

She smiles, turns back. She freezes when she sees…
He’s holding CASH out the window to pay her.

CAL
You put this to that fake ID
you’ll need up at Stanford.

And with a sad wink, he drives off — leaving her
standing there, lovelorn and forty-five dollars richer.

CUT TO:

11 INT. BAR – LATER 11

Cal sits at the bar, drinking away his sorrows. He’s
disheveled, a bit wobbly. He motions for the BARTENDER.
(CONTINUED)
14.
11 CONTINUED: 11
BARTENDER
Another vodka cranberry?

CAL
Yes. Just… yes.

A GIRL (30s) approaches the bar. Cal taps her shoulder,
a drunken train-wreck waiting to happen.

CAL
Guess what?

GIRL
What?

CAL
My wife is having intercourse with
someone who isn’t me.

GIRL
I’m sorry to hear that.

CAL
That’s very nice of you to say.
She just told me tonight,
obviously it came as a bit of a
shock and you’re not listening
anymore.

The Girl has turned back to a group of friends.

CAL
I bet you wouldn’t ignore me if I
were David Jacobowitz. My wife
doesn’t ignore David Jacobowitz.
(to no one)
She screws him.

Something catches Cal’s eye across the bar. We PAN TO…

JACOB PALMER

wearing his two thousand dollar suit, he’s now got TWO
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN fawning over him at his table.

Cal takes him in for a long beat, turns back to the
bartender, and decides:

CAL
(RE: JACOB)
Gay.
15.

12 EXT. CORPORATE APARTMENT – MORNING 12

You know these places: basically a “strip” of identical
housing units — usually occupied by newly-divorced dads.

A WOMAN (60s) gives Cal the tour.

WOMAN
So it’s pretty no-frills. Unit 2
is a lot like unit 1 except you’re
downstairs so… the ground is
closer. Which is nice.

13 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER 13

The most depressing, empty, beige place ever.

CAL
I guess the price is right.

WOMAN
Yeah, well, tons of divorced guys
here. You’ll fit right in.

Cal SIGHS, un-enthused.

CAL
I’ll take it.

WOMAN
Ooh, the gym has an elliptical
machine… I assume you want to
get back in shape?

Cal looks down, embarrassed.

CAL
I guess.

WOMAN
Great! I’ll let you know when
they fix it.

14 INT. OFFICE – AFTERNOON 14

Cal sits at his desk, doing paperwork. His BOSS ENTERS.

BOSS
Cal, I just got the weekly sales
report, good good good! You
really killed this quarter!
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
16.
14 CONTINUED: 14
BOSS (CONT’D)
Keep it up you’re going to be
sitting in my seat by year’s end.
Really great, Cal. Seriously.

CAL
Who told you Tracy and I were
getting a divorce?

BOSS
(RELIEVED)
Divorce! That’s it. Amy heard
you crying in the bathroom. We
all thought it was cancer. Thank
God.

CAL
I have to go buy furniture now.

Cal stands, EXITS.

BOSS
Go for it!
(then, calling after)
It could have been cancer, buddy!

15 INT. FURNITURE STORE – LATER 15

Cal is sitting on a plain, faux-modern couch. He’s
staring into space. A SALESMAN APPROACHES.

SALESMAN
Can I help you, sir?

CAL
My wife is sleeping with David
Jacobowitz. I need a couch.

SALESMAN
Ooh, I understand. Can I give you
a word of advice, one divorced man
to another? If you don’t mind?

CAL
Sure.

SALESMAN
Get the matching chaise, killer
deal.

He pats the adjacent piece. Cal processes this.

CAL
I want it in beige.

(CONTINUED)
17.
15 CONTINUED: 15
SALESMAN
I’ll write you up.

16 INT. BAR – NIGHT 16

Cal’s back at the bar, sipping on his drink. He looks
absolutely exhausted. He looks across the bar.

At his usual table, Jacob is now wooing a NEW WOMAN.

Cal shakes his head, amazed at this guy’s chutzpah. A
GUY grabs the open bar stool next to Cal. Cal reacts.

CAL
Oh, no, I’m sorry, I’m waiting for
a friend.

GUY
You’ve been holding the seat for
an hour.

CAL
(TOO LOUD)
Yeah, well, my wife is screwing
David Jacobowitz so eat me.

The guy shrugs, walks away. Cal looks at his watch, puts
a napkin on his drink, and stands.

17 INT. BATHROOM – LATER 17

Cal pees. Jacob steps INTO FRAME in the adjacent urinal.
Cal does a friendly “I’m peeing next to you” nod. Then:
CAL
Can’t help but notice that you’re
always surrounded by women.
Multiple women.

Jacob doesn’t even turn.

CAL
I’m getting divorced. Or, in the
process. Gonna be single again.

Nothing.

CAL
Any advice?

JACOB
Yeah.

(CONTINUED)
18.
17 CONTINUED: 17
Jacob zips, flushes, turns.

JACOB
Don’t start conversations with
people while they’re pissing.

He walks away, washes his hands, EXITS. A beat, then:

CAL
(TO HIMSELF)
So gay.

DISSOLVE TO:

18 INT. BAR – LATER 18

Cal’s a few drinks in now. The door to the bar opens as
BERNIE (late 40s) rushes in. An oak tree of a man. He’s
carrying a SHOPPING BAG.

BERNIE
Sorry I’m late, I had to pick
something up from Macy’s.

CAL
Don’t worry about it, here, sit,
I’ve been guarding this stool with
my life.

Bernie sits, looks uncomfortable.

CAL
It’s good to see you, man. I’ve
called you a few times. It’s been
a rough couple of days, obviously.
Nothing I could use more than my
old pal Bernie to unload on. Hey,
we should play racquetball, when’s
the last time we played
racquetball?

BERNIE
Claire won’t let me be friends
with you anymore.

Cal takes this in.

CAL
I’m sorry, what?

BERNIE
She said we had to choose between
you and Tracy. I chose you. She
said no.
(CONTINUED)
19.
18 CONTINUED: 18
He pulls a WRAPPED PACKAGE from the bag, hands it to Cal.

BERNIE
It’s cologne.

CAL
Are you breaking up with me?

BERNIE
Claire’s waiting in the car.
Um… there’s a gift receipt in
there. Sorry.

Bernie stands, awkwardly. He pats Cal on the shoulder,
lingers a beat too long, then simply turns and EXITS.

Cal is left alone. He raises a finger at the Bartender.

CAL
Do you have anything with a worm
in it? Because I’d like a gallon
of that now.

ON JACOB

Legs crossed, martini in hand, he’s been watching Cal get
dumped this whole time.

He PANS UP from Cal’s feet. The white sneakers. Bad
navy blue dress socks. Dad khakis. An ill-fitting,
untucked, dress shirt. Half-lidded eyes. Rumpled hair.

Jacob shakes his head. Jesus Christ. He says something
to THE WOMAN who currently sits at the table. She nods,
gets up and walks away.

BACK TO CAL

As the Bartender pours him a second shot. He’s now
showing pictures from his wallet to the Bartender.

CAL
This is my youngest, Molly. Her
two favorite things are High
School Musical and her mother. I
hate both of her two favorite
things.

A SHARP WHISTLE interrupts. Cal turns, sees Jacob.

Jacob motions for Cal to come over. Every move Jacob
makes is practiced, perfectly cool.

(CONTINUED)
20.
18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
Cal points at himself: “Me?” Jacob nods: “Yep.” Cal
SHRUGS, stands, and wobbles over towards Jacob.

JACOB
Jacob Palmer.

CAL
CAL WEA–

JACOB
I’d like to buy you a drink, Cal.

CAL
I already have a drink.

JACOB
Let me buy you a drink, Cal.

CAL
Okay.

Jacob motions to the Bartender who NODS. Cal SITS.

CAL
My wife is cheating on me with —

JACOB
David Jacobowitz, yes, Cal, I’ve
heard. We’ve all heard. For the
last two nights, I’ve watched you
batter every poor soul in this bar
with your sad-sack loser sob
story.

Cal takes this in. He STANDS.

CAL
You know what, I don’t need this
CRAP —

JACOB
Sit down, Cal.

CAL
Okay.

Cal sits. Jacob’s that powerful. Cal’s that drunk.

(CONTINUED)
21.
18 CONTINUED: (3) 18
JACOB
Cal, I’m going to make you an
offer, it’s probably the best
offer you’re ever going to get,
and you’re extremely drunk, so
it’s wildly important that you
don’t answer until I’ve finished
and you’ve taken a few moments to
process what I’m saying. Do you
understand?

Cal goes to answer, Jacob holds up a finger. Cal stops
himself. Once he’s settled, Jacob continues:

JACOB
As I said, I’ve been watching you
for two days now and I can say,
without hesitation, that you are
the sorriest man I’ve ever seen in
my life — don’t interrupt, Cal,
it’s the truth, and you need to
hear it. You’re sitting there
with your Supercut haircut,
getting drunk on watered down
vodka-cranberries like a fourteen-
year-old girl, wearing a 41R
jacket when you should be wearing
a 40L — I don’t know if I want to
help you or euthanize you
— stop drinking out of the
goddamn straw, Cal.

Cal stops drinking from the wimpy red straw.

JACOB
You asked me for advice before,
Cal, so I’m going to help you. I
don’t know why. Maybe I’m just
bored. Maybe all my friends have
abandoned me for wives and
children and labradoodle puppies,
who cares why? Why doesn’t
matter. The point is, you’ve got
a good face, and a good head of
hair, and I’m bored as hell and
need a project. So if you want,
I’m going to help you rediscover
your manhood. Do you remember
when it was that you lost it?

Cal shakes “no.”

(CONTINUED)
22.
18 CONTINUED: (4) 18
JACOB
Doesn’t matter, we’ll find it.
And when we do, when I’m through
with you, that wife of yours is
going to rue the day she decided
to give up on you too early.
That’s my offer. What do you say?

Cal stares at him blankly. A long beat of silence. Cal
goes for a drink, almost uses the straw… then catches
himself. He puts down the drink. Looks up.

CAL
Yeah, okay.

JACOB
Mall food court, Thursday, six
o’clock.

CAL
I’m sorry, what?

Jacob downs his drink, nods at THE WOMAN (now nearby).

JACOB
You ready to go?

She nods, subservient, and follows him out.

Cal shakes his head, picks up his drink, and slurps the
rest of his vodka cranberry out of the straw.

19 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD – DAY (ONE WEEK LATER) 19

A well-maintained yard, bordered by shrubs and bushes. A
long driveway runs parallel to the yard. A medium-sized
U-HAUL is parked in the driveway.

Cal EXITS the back door, carrying a BOX. He loads it
into the U-haul and takes a last look back at:

HIS BACKYARD

A weathered playground sits off to the side. You can
tell it hasn’t been used in quite some time. Baseball
equipment lays all over, the site of many father-son
catches. An oft-used barbecue next to the house.

You can tell a lot about this family from seeing this
backyard. You like this family a lot from seeing this
backyard.

(CONTINUED)
23.
19 CONTINUED: 19
TRACY (O.S.)
Cal?

Cal looks up. Tracy approaches. She’s wearing sweats.
It’s pretty obvious that she’s been crying. Awkward
silence. Neither knows what to say.

TRACY
I just wanted to say that…

Her voice cracks. She turns away.

TRACY
Shit.

She gathers herself. Cal steps forward. Instinct tells
him to comfort his wife but he can’t anymore and he stops
himself. She realizes this. There’s something harsh and
complicated about the reality of it all.

Tracy looks at the U-HAUL, wipes her eyes and tries to
lighten things.

TRACY
Do you want me to back that thing
out of the driveway for you?

CAL
I’ll be fine.

TRACY
You have trouble in reverse is
all.

CAL
It was two times —

TRACY
Three if you count my father’s
foot.

CAL
I did that on purpose.

TRACY
I knew it.

They smile, in rhythm for a moment. Then they realize,
stop smiling. Cal turns awkwardly.

CAL
Once I’m settled, I’ll get the
kids so they can see the place.

He walks to the truck. Tracy’s voice stops him.
(CONTINUED)
24.
19 CONTINUED: (2) 19
TRACY
I think I’m have a mid-life crisis
maybe. Can women have mid-life
crisis?

CAL
(AVOIDING ENGAGEMENT)
Make sure the lawn gets enough
water.

TRACY
In the movies it’s always men
having them and buying ridiculous
yellow Porsches, but I’m not a man
and I really don’t want a yellow
PORSCHE —

CAL
You have to fertilize once a
month. Not twice a month, not
once every two months.

She takes a deep breath, finding her balance.

TRACY
We got married so young, Cal. And
I’m forty-one. And that’s so much
older than I thought I’d be.

CAL
The sprinklers turn off behind
you.

TRACY
And I got really upset with an
umpire at Molly’s t-ball game last
month — like really upset, like I
screamed at him and wished he
would die — and I started feeling
like the person I promised I
wouldn’t turn into, you know?

CAL
If it rains a lot, you need to
shut off the automatic setting.

TRACY
And we haven’t been us, not for a
long time. And I don’t know when
you and I stopped being `us’
but… I mean, do you?

Cal finally turns and looks at her.

(CONTINUED)
25.
19 CONTINUED: (3) 19
CAL
I think it was when you screwed
David Jacobowitz.

Ouch. Tracy’s face registers the blow, but she nods:
she also understands it.

CAL
Make sure my azaleas get enough
sun.

Cal turns, gets in the U-HAUL, and backs out…

And immediately crashes into the neighboring FENCE.

20 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT – EVENING 20

Cal leads in Molly and Robbie.

CAL
Okay, well, this is it. What do
you think? Didn’t have a lot of
time to house-hunt, but…

They look around his depressing, beige apartment. A
pathetic TV plays the Disney Channel in the corner.

CAL
There’s a second bedroom with twin
beds so you two can stay over
whenever you want! Anytime!

ROBBIE
So… you’re like, actually going
to live here?

Molly looks like she’s going to cry.

CAL
Hey, hey. Come on now, you’ll
visit all the time. Every
weekend. It won’t be that bad.

MOLLY
Don’t you love us anymore?

Cal takes Molly’s face in his hands, starts tearing up.

CAL
Listen, baby. What’s happening
with your mommy and I… it’s not
what either of us wanted, not what
either of us planned.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
26.
20 CONTINUED: 20
CAL (CONT’D)
But you need to understand that
you kids have done nothing wron–

MOLLY
TROY!

She bolts past Cal to the TV, where ZAC EFRON is on-
screen, prancing about in a basketball uniform. Robbie
and Cal stand there, awkwardly.

ROBBIE
Don’t take it personally. That
show’s like crack to her.

Cal NODS.

ROBBIE
You okay?

CAL
You?

Robbie shrugs.

ROBBIE
Can I say something with a curse?
One time?

CAL
Yeah. Why not?

Robbie NODS, takes a deep breath.

ROBBIE
Love is fucked.

Cal LAUGHS, a bit of tension relieved.

CAL
Is that so? You in love, buddy?

ROBBIE
Well, if you must know —

JESSICA (O.S.)
Ding dong.

They turn — it’s Jessica, the baby-sitter.

ROBBIE
What is she doing here?

CAL
Oh, right, hey, Jess, thanks for
COMING —
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
27.
20 CONTINUED: (2) 20
CAL (CONT’D)
(back to Robbie)
I have to run out really quickly,
just for a few hours, and your
mother wants you to stay here
while she’s out hooking —

ROBBIE
What?

CAL
Huh?

JESSICA
(CHANGING TOPICS)
The place is… nice, Mr. Weaver.

CAL
Yes, well, that’s a generous
adjective, thank you.
(TO ROBBIE)
Anyhow, Jess is gonna keep an eye
on you guys for a few.

ROBBIE
But I don’t need a babysitter!
She’s only four years older than
me! You need to know that! She
needs to know that!

CAL
I know, buddy.

Cal musses Robbie’s hair.

CAL
My little boy’s growing up, Jess.
He’s in love already, can you
believe it?

Uch. Robbie thumps the wall with his head, dying.

CAL
Molly, say bye-bye to Daddy?

No response, she’s glued to the television.

ROBBIE
Wait, where are you going?

CAL
I’m, uh… I decided to take a
class.

(CONTINUED)
28.
20 CONTINUED: (3) 20
JESSICA
That’s great, Mr. Weaver. It’s a
difficult time for you, it’s
important that you find new
interests, try new things, maybe
things you’d never have considered
trying before…

Cal looks down, Jessica has her hand on his shoulder.
It’s a bit odd. She realizes, takes it off.

CAL
Okay, well… Molly, last chance!?

But Molly is still locked on Efron.

CAL
That’s my angel. Back in a few.

ROBBIE
But, Dad —

CAL
Nope.

The door slams. Robbie stands there with Jessica,
awkward. Tries to maintain some semblance of cool.

ROBBIE
I don’t need a baby-sitter.

JESSICA
I know, Robbie.

An awkward beat, then.

ROBBIE
I love you so much —

JESSICA
Jesus Christ.

21 EXT. SHOPPING MALL – CONTINUOUS ACTION 21

Cal pulls into the parking lot, grabs a space.

CAL
What am I doing?

22 INT. SHOPPING MALL – CONTINUOUS ACTION 22

He ENTERS, still going.

(CONTINUED)
29.
22 CONTINUED: 22
CAL
What the hell am I doing?

He walks past a CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Inside is…

Hannah (girl from the bar who Jacob tried picking up).

23 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY – CONTINUOUS ACTION 23

She’s sitting at a table with Liz (her friend) and a
GROUP OF REALLY BORING WHITE PEOPLE in suits. There are
SMALL GIFTS in front of Hannah.

Holding her hand is an average guy (33), her boyfriend,
RICHARD. We PICK UP mid-conversation.

RICHARD
I think you’re wrong. I think
that’s Tucker.

WHITE MAN
No, no, no. Chris Rock is the
stand-up comedian. Chris Tucker
is the actor.

WHITE WOMAN
Is it racist that I can’t tell
them apart?

Liz nods her head “yes” at Hannah. Hannah stifles a
LAUGH. Liz stands.

LIZ
Well, Richard: thank you for
inviting me to Hannah’s `goodbye’
party. The conversation has been
riveting, like stepping back in
time. Before I go, a toast.

She holds up her glass, toasting.

LIZ
Sweetie: go into your hole and
study your cute little ass off for
that bar exam. We’ll see you when
you emerge.

RICHARD
She’s gonna kick that bar’s butt!

All the dorks CHEER. Liz SHRUGS.

LIZ
Yeah, okay.
(CONTINUED)
30.
23 CONTINUED: 23
Liz CHUGS her drink, turns to Hannah.

HANNAH
(SMILING)
I’ll walk you out.

Before they clear…

RICHARD
Hey, Liz? When my girl passes,
we’re gonna have another little
celebration, right here. Hope you
can make it. It’s going to be a
special night.

LIZ
Richard, you just give me a heads-
up so I can get really drunk
before-hand, okay?

RICHARD
You know it!

Hannah leads Liz out of the restaurant, WHISPERS:

HANNAH
Did you hear that? `It’s going to
be a special night.’ You think
he’s going to propose?

LIZ
At the Cheesecake Factory? Oh
God, I hope not.
(THEN)
Why? Do you really want him to?

Hannah SHRUGS.

HANNAH
He’s nice.

LIZ
Yeah, well… Jesus. Really?
(with a shrug)
Okay. Not my life, I love you,
call me if you need anything.

Liz KISSES her goodbye, EXITS. Hannah looks at her
table. Everyone is typing on their BLACKBERRIES.

She SIGHS, heads to rejoin them.
31.

24 INT. FOOD COURT 24

Meanwhile, Cal sees Jacob, standing against a pole in the
food court. Jacob is eating pizza, cool as ever.

JACOB
You’re late.
(then, offering)
Sbarro’s?

CAL
No thanks. So what exactly are
WE —

JACOB
How much money can you afford to
spend on clothes today?

CAL
I dunno. Five hundred?

JACOB
Three thousand.

CAL
Okay.

JACOB
We’ll start with shoes. Let me
see those sneakers you’re wearing.

Cal holds up his foot.

JACOB
Take them off.

Cal bends down, takes one off.

JACOB
(CHEWING)
Other one too, please?

Cal does as he’s told. Jacob holds out his hands. Cal
SHRUGS, hands Jacob the shoes.

Jacob simply turns and throws them over the railing.

CAL
What the hell!?

JACOB
Are you in a fraternity, Cal?

CAL
Those were my favorite shoes.
(CONTINUED)
32.
24 CONTINUED: 24
JACOB
ARE YOU IN A FRATERNITY, CAL!?

CAL
No.

JACOB
Are you Steve Jobs?

CAL
What?

JACOB
ARE YOU THE BILLIONAIRE OWNER OF
APPLE COMPUTERS?

CAL
No. I’m not Steve Jobs.

JACOB
Then you don’t need to walk around
in New Balance Sneaker, ever.
Let’s go.

25 INT. SHOE STORE – CONTINUOUS ACTION 25

Cal (barefoot) follows Jacob around the store.

CAL
I think this whole thing might
have been a bad idea.

Jacob ignores him, grabs a pair of BLACK DRESS SHOES.

JACOB
Any man can rebuild his entire
wardrobe with sixteen simple
items.

CAL
Ha! I think I read that in GQ.

JACOB
You did. I wrote it.

CAL
Really?

Jacob CHUCKLES. Cal CHUCKLES back, clearly unsure what
the chuckle symbolizes.

JACOB
Numbers one and two: pair of
dress shoes, pair of loafers.
(CONTINUED)
33.
25 CONTINUED: 25
Cal is looking at a pair of ARGYLE SOCKS.

CAL
I’m sorry, I’m lost: do you
really write for GQ?

Jacob slaps Cal’s hand, knocking the socks away.

JACOB
Your credit card please?

MONTAGE – FROM STORE TO STORE

We watch as Jacob narrates the wardrobe essentials (and
as Cal’s arms get progressively fuller) in each store.

26 IN A SUIT STORE 26

Cal gets fitted.

JACOB (V.O.)
Two suits: one black, one grey.
One sports jacket, navy preferred.

Jacob leans in toward the tailor.

JACOB
Take it in there… and there.

27 AT ANOTHER STORE 27

Cal holds jeans in front of him, eyes them suspiciously.
JACOB (V.O.)
One pair of quality jeans.

CAL
These are two hundred and thirty
dollars. Can’t we just go to the
Gap?

He looks up. Jacob is gone.

SMASH CUT TO:

28 EXT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER 28

Cal runs outside. Jacob is already halfway to the car.

CAL
I’m sorry! Don’t leave!
(CONTINUED)
34.
28 CONTINUED: 28
Jacob immediately heads back inside and answers:

JACOB
No, Cal. We can’t just go to the
Gap.

CAL
What’s wrong with the Gap?

JACOB
In Hell, every store is the Gap,
that’s what’s wrong with the Gap,
Cal. It’s lowest common
denominator. Be better than the
fucking Gap, Cal.

29 IN A NEW STORE 29

Jacob holds up a pair of beige slacks.

JACOB (V.O.)
One pair of chinos.

CHING. A cash register DINGS.

JACOB (V.O.)
Four dress shirts.

CHING. CHING. CHING. CHING. Cal’s arms are filling.

JACOB (V.O.)
Three casual button-downs.

CHING. CHING. CHING. In a dressing room shirts come
flying over the wall at Cal.

30 A NEW STORE 30

Cal struggles to get a sweater over his neck.

JACOB (V.O.)
Two v-neck cashmere sweaters, and
finally, a long overcoat.

Cal stands there in an overcoat and sweater.

CAL
I’m very warm.

31 IN A BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE 31

Jacob leads Cal through the store. He tosses him a TUBE.
(CONTINUED)
35.
31 CONTINUED: 31
JACOB
You rub this in around your eyes
every night and every morning.

CAL
What does it do?

JACOB
(SARCASTIC)
It gives you x-ray vision, Cal.
(THEN)
It tightens things up. The skin
around your eyes looks like Milton
Berle’s ballsack.

Cal stops, examines his eyes in a mirror.

CAL
Oh my God, it does.

32 IN A SALON 32

Cal is getting his hair cut at a fancy salon. The
HAIRDRESSER is young, hip, and beautiful.

CAL
I like to use a number four on the
sides and the back, go longer on
the top.

JACOB
Oh, okay. Thanks for that, Vidal
Sassoon. Tiffany, hon? Scissor
cut, tight on sides, get him some
texture up top, take off about…
He touches Cal’s hair, measures it between his fingers.

CAL
Eww.

JACOB
… inch off the top.

TIFFANY
Yes, sir.

CAL
BUT —

Tiffany starts chopping.

36.

33 INT. SALON – LATER 33

Jacob and Tiffany wait for Cal (inside a changing room).

JACOB
What are you putting on?

CAL (O.S.)
Items one, three, eleven, and
fourteen.

JACOB
Perfect.
(then, to Tiffany)
You smell great by the way.

TIFFANY
(SMITTEN)
Thanks.

JACOB
What are you doing tonight?

TIFFANY
I don’t know.

JACOB
That’s okay, I do.

She GIGGLES. Cal calls out.

CAL (O.S.)
Seriously? You just ask her out
like that?

JACOB
Yes, Cal, just like that.

CAL (O.S.)
And it works?
JACOB TIFFANY
Yes. Yes.

CAL (O.S.)
Crazy.
(THEN)
Okay, I feel kind of stupid but…

The DRESSING ROOM DOOR opens. We TILT UP… FROM
expensive shoes, TO pants, TO fitted sweater over a
fitted shirt and bright tie. The new haircut…

A new man. He looks… unbelievable.

(CONTINUED)
37.
33 CONTINUED: 33
TIFFANY
Wow.

JACOB
Yep.

CAL
Can I blouse out the shirt a
little? I like to blouse out my
shirts a little.

JACOB
Shut up, Cal.
(TO TIFFANY)
You’d fuck him, right?

CAL
(HORRIFIED)
Jesus!

TIFFANY
Yeah, probably.

CAL
Tiffany!
(then, realizing)
You would!?

Tiffany SHRUGS.

JACOB
You see that, Cal? The simple act
of opening your mouth instantly
causes Tiffany to lose interest in
sleeping with you. Your
personality is actually your
weakest link.

Cal takes this in.

CAL
Well, that’s the meanest thing
anyone’s ever said to me.

JACOB
No, Cal. The meanest thing
anyone’s ever said to you is this:
your wife cheated on you because
you lost sight of what it took to
keep her content at home — as a
man, as a husband, and probably as
a lover.

Cal’s lower lip begins to quiver.

(CONTINUED)
38.
33 CONTINUED: (2) 33
CAL
Yeah, okay, that was meaner.

CUT TO:

34 INT. BAR – NEXT NIGHT 34

Cal sits next to Jacob. Cal is wearing his new “outfit.”
He looks great, but not yet comfortable in his new
“gear.”

Jacob, on the other hand, looks like he’s walked out of a
men’s magazine. And he knows it. Cal looks at Jacob.

CAL
I notice you only button your
shirts up, like, halfway. I can’t
pull that off, right?

JACOB
No. Listen, Cal, I’m going to be
calling women over to our table
shortly.

Cal rubs his hands together, nervous.

CAL
We should have some background on
each other, no? I’m in insurance,
more on the corporate side. My
kids are —

JACOB
Cal, the only thing I care less
about than corporate insurance are
your kids. Here’s the only thing
I need to know: how many women
have you been with?

CAL
Sexually?

JACOB
Yes.

CAL
In my entire life?

JACOB
No, synchronized swimming. Yes,
Cal. Sexually.

Cal thinks. He MUMBLES to himself, counting it out on
one hand.
(CONTINUED)
39.
34 CONTINUED: 34
He smiles at Jacob proudly when he has to move the count
to a second hand. Then:

CAL
One.

Jacob CHORTLES. But Cal just stares at him blankly.

JACOB
Wow, okay… wow.
(then, checking)
Not at a time? Total?

CAL
What? I married young. We met in
high school.

He smiles, remembering.

CAL
Tracy was so damn beautiful. You
know those women, the ones who can
be wildly sexy and unbelievably
cute all at once? I never knew
how she did that. I still don’t
know how she does it.
(THEN)
Anyway, we had a bit of a hiccup
our senior year but we made it —

JACOB
Cal, I literally stopped listening
at `Tracy.’ Okay, here we go.

CAL
(a bit emotional)
I miss my wife.

JACOB
Shut up, Cal.

A YOUNG WOMAN slides into the booth at Jacob’s side.

YOUNG WOMAN
Hi.

JACOB
Hi. Jacob Palmer.

YOUNG WOMAN
Amy Johnson.

Cal extends his hand.

(CONTINUED)
40.
34 CONTINUED: (2) 34
CAL
CAL —

JACOB
(QUICKLY)
Don’t.

He pulls it back.

CAL
(TO HIMSELF)
— Weaver.

JACOB
Can I get you a drink, Amy?

CUT TO:

35 A DRINK 35

gets handed over to: a NEW GIRL, on a NEW NIGHT.

JACOB
Tell me about yourself. What do
you do?

NEW GIRL
Does it really matter?

JACOB
It does to me.

She looks up. He looks completely earnest, repeats:

JACOB
It does to me.

She smiles.

PAN TO CAL: just sitting there watching, horrified.

36 BACK TO JACOB 36

Now with NEWER GIRL.

NEWER GIRL
And that’s when I started writing
the column for LA Weekly. God,
how long have I been talking?

Jacob takes her hand.

(CONTINUED)
41.
36 CONTINUED: 36
JACOB
Listen, I’m going to be honest:
it’s getting late and I think
you’re interesting. I also think
you’re one of those rare women who
manages to be both wildly sexy and
incredibly cute all at once.

ON CAL

Mouth agape. That was his line!

ON JACOB

JACOB
Let’s get out of here. I know
it’s forward of me but just… I
think we should get out of here.

She thinks, then NODS.

NEWER GIRL
Okay.

FLASH CUT TO:

37 THE SECOND GIRL 37

JACOB
I think we should get out of here.

NEW GIRL
Okay.
FLASH CUT TO:

38 THE FIRST GIRL 38

JACOB
I think we should get out of here.

FIRST GIRL
Okay.

38A BACK TO CAL 38A

waving goodbye awkwardly as Jacob leaves with each of the
girls (IN QUICK CUTS). Finally:

(CONTINUED)
42.
38A CONTINUED: 38A
Cal just sits there, completely alone. But then A PRETTY
GIRL arrives at his table. Cal looks up, smiles. She
smiles back, then:

She drops THE BILL on the table. She’s a waitress. And
he’s been left with the tab.

CUT TO:

39 INT. CLASSROOM – AFTERNOON (ONE WEEK LATER) 39

ON THE BLACKBOARD: “SCARLET LETTER, THEMES.”

Robbie Weaver sits at his 8th grade desk. In the b.g.,
we hear a FEMALE TEACHER drone on about The Scarlet
Letter. Under his desk, Robbie is TEXTING.

INTERCUT WITH:

40 INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – JESSICA 40

receiving the text.

ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN

The text: “Hi, Jessica. FYI: Demi Moore is 15 yrs
older than Ashton K. They seem really happy. Love,
Robbie.”

Her phone BEEPS with a NEW TEXT: “P.S. did you know Demi
Moore starred in the movie version of The Scarlet
Letter?”
Her phone BEEPS a third time: “She shows boob :-)”

She SIGHS.

41 BACK TO ROBBIE 41

Pleased with himself. The FEMALE TEACHER drones on in
the b.g.

TEACHER (O.S.)
While Hester is forced to wear a
scarlet `A’ as punishment for
adultery, Reverend Dimmesdale’s
`A’ is self-inflicted —

Robbie’s PHONE BEEPS. A “NEW MESSAGE.” Robbie smiles.

(CONTINUED)
43.
41 CONTINUED: 41
ON THE CELL PHONE SCREEN

The text: “Robbie: please stop. U r making me very
uncomfortable.”

BACK TO SCENE

Robbie stares at the screen, crestfallen.

TEACHER (O.S.)
Mr. Weaver? Are we interrupting?

Robbie looks up: the WHOLE CLASS is staring at him.

TEACHER (O.S.)
Mr. Weaver!

Slowly, Robbie stands. We HEAD IN TIGHT ON him.

ROBBIE
You want to talk about The Scarlet
Letter, Mrs. Thompson? Here you
go: the `A’ they’re both wearing
— I think it stands for ASSHOLE.
Wanna know why? Because they’re
in love, and love is for stupid
ASSHOLES. So thanks for choosing
this book, Mrs. Thompson, because
this is what I need right now: to
read a boring, confusing book
about a bunch of stupid assholes
who fell in love, like assholes,
and then had to die, like
assholes. I’m sorry for cursing.
CUT TO:

42 INT. TRACY’S OFFICE – LATER 42

Tracy works at her desk. A KNOCK at her door interrupts.
A TALL MAN (40’s) stands there: DAVID JACOBOWITZ.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
You have a second?

TRACY
Oh, David. I’m just a little
swamped right now so…

He closes the door behind him.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
You’ve been avoiding me.
(CONTINUED)
44.
42 CONTINUED: 42
TRACY
No, I haven’t.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
You ran away in the other
direction when you saw me coming
down the hall yesterday.
(BEAT)
You’re very fast by the way.

She SIGHS, gives up.

TRACY
I ran track in high school.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
That must be it.

He turns serious.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
I’m sorry about you and Cal.

TRACY
Thank you.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
I’m also not sorry, if I’m being
completely honest.
(GATHERING HIMSELF)
I want to make sure you know how
much I like you.

TRACY
No, I do —

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
A lot. Just to clarify. I like
you a lot. I had no intention of
falling for a married woman. I
just wanted someone to go to lunch
with who didn’t make me want to
shoot myself in the face. But we
started having lunch, and talking,
and suddenly I was an accountant
who was popping out of bed in the
morning, excited to get to work.
That doesn’t happen to
accountants. Ever. I’ve checked
with other accountants.

She smiles.

(CONTINUED)
45.
42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
DAVID JACOBOWITZ
So when the time is right for you
to get back out there again,
officially, I just… I’d like to
throw my hat in the ring.
Officially. That sounded weird.

Tracy LAUGHS lightly, leans forward.

TRACY
David, you’ve been a great friend
to me. And you were the first man
in a very long time to make me
feel… noticed, I guess? What
happened between us that night…
it meant something to me. You
weren’t the only one excited to
come to work lately.

David smiles.

TRACY
But now, when I see you, all I see
is his face. All I see when I
look at you is what I did to my
marriage.

She’s losing it, wipes her eyes.

TRACY
You see this? I’m saving you from
disaster, David, `cause you’re
asking to pre-board the Titanic.
Honestly, do you really want any
part of this?
Before he can answer… BUZZ! It’s Tracy’s phone.

ASSISTANT (V.O.)
Your son’s school on two.

Tracy quickly picks up phone. As she talks, David
scribbles something on a postcard, EXITS.

TRACY
(INTO PHONE)
Right, okay. No, I understand.
Of course, right away.

She HANGS UP, looks at the Post-It. It reads, simply:

“Yes.” Tracy looks up, but David is gone.
46.

43 INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE WAITING ROOM – LATER 43

Robbie sits, waiting. Tracy EMERGES.

TRACY
(calling back in)
Yes, of course. Absolutely,
Principal Sapienza, it won’t
happen again.

She closes the door behind her, looks to Robbie.

TRACY
Seriously?

ROBBIE
Sorry.

She SIGHS.

TRACY
It’s been a rough couple of weeks,
you deserve a freebie. C’mon, I
have to get back to work.

They walk out together.

TRACY
They still make kids read The
Scarlet Letter, huh?

Robbie NODS.

TRACY
You’d really think someone would
have written something better by
now.

Robbie LAUGHS, the tension broken a bit.

44 INT. TRACY’S OFFICE – LATER 44

Robbie wheels around in an office chair as Tracy tries to
work behind her desk. He stops, noticing a PHOTO.

It’s an older picture of CAL AND TRACY. They look happy.
Very much in love. Tracy notices.

TRACY
Guess I should take it down, huh?

ROBBIE
I guess.

(CONTINUED)
47.
44 CONTINUED: 44
Tracy NODS. She places the picture face down gently.
She tries to return to her work, but can’t.

TRACY
How is he? I’ve spoken to him but
only about bills, or you kids,
but… how is he, really?

Robbie hesitates.

TRACY
Sorry, that’s unfair. Ignore me,
I’m almost done here.

She turns back to her work. After a beat:

ROBBIE
He’s dressing a lot better. Going
out a lot.

TRACY
Oh. Well, good. That’s… really
good.
(then, covering)
We’ll get take-out for dinner
tonight, okay? Think about what
you’re in the mood for.

Robbie hesitates, then adds:

ROBBIE
He’s sad. He looks better, but…
sadder, too, I think. You know?

TRACY
Yeah. I guess I’m pretty sad,
too.

ROBBIE
I know.

TRACY
You do?

ROBBIE
I heard you crying the other night
and… I didn’t know what to do.
I’m thirteen years old and… can
you just tell me what I’m supposed
to do in that situation? I didn’t
want to Google it.

She smiles, shakes her head.

(CONTINUED)
48.
44 CONTINUED: (2) 44
TRACY
Oh God, baby, you’re so much like
me it’s scary. You wound up with
all my stuff, Robbie. I’m so
sorry.

ROBBIE
I’m okay with being like you, Mom.
I like you.

She puts down her pen. Smiles sadly at Robbie.

TRACY
It’s my fault, what happened with
your father. It’s grown-up stuff
that I can’t talk about but…
it’s my fault. Not his. So
just… be good to him, okay?

ROBBIE
It’ll be okay, Mom.

TRACY
(EMOTIONAL)
You promise?

He NODS, the most soulful thirteen-year-old ever.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ (O.S.)
Hey, they need you in the
conference room for a sec… oh,
sorry.

They look up. It’s David. Tracy gathers herself,
stands.

TRACY
David, this is my son, Robbie.
Robbie, this is David.
(FORCED)
We work together.

Robbie takes him in, shakes his hand.

TRACY
I’ll be right back, okay, honey?
ROBBIE DAVID
Okay. Okay.

Awkward. Really awkward. Tracy starts to say something,
thinks better of it, and EXITS.

David moves into the room, sits down opposite Robbie.

(CONTINUED)
49.
44 CONTINUED: (3) 44
DAVID JACOBOWITZ
So, Robbie… I hear you’re quite
the soccer player.

ROBBIE
So, David… I hear you broke up
my parents’ marriage.

He LAUGHS awkwardly, shocked.

ROBBIE
You are David Jacobowitz, right?
From accounting?

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
Um, yes I am —

ROBBIE
Here’s the thing, David: in the
end, she winds up back with my
dad. He’s better than you, in
every category except probably
math. And she still loves him.

Robbie props the PHOTO of Tracy and Cal back up.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
Listen, Robbie —

ROBBIE
Now I know what you’re thinking:
`he’s just in 8th grade, what does
he know about love?’ I know a lot
more than you think, David. Just
today, I had a meltdown, almost
gave up on the love of my life.
My dad’s having his meltdown now,
but long-term? He won’t stop
fighting for my mom any more than
I won’t stop sending Jessica texts
that make her uncomfortable. And
you need to know that.

Tracy RE-ENTERS.

TRACY
You ready to go?

ROBBIE
(SUDDENLY SWEET)
Mommy, can we do Chinese for
dinner tonight?

(CONTINUED)
50.
44 CONTINUED: (4) 44
Tracy waves to David as she and Robbie EXIT, leaving him
stunned in the middle of her office, staring at:

THE PHOTO OF CAL AND TRACY that Robbie has left directly
in his line of sight.

CUT TO:

45 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD – LATE EVENING 45

Bushes rustle. Once, then twice. It’s Cal, sneaking
into the backyard. He takes a covert look inside the
house. All is quiet. He gets to work.

— He spreads FERTILIZER on the grass.

— Trims some bushes.

— Picks off some petals from some dying flowers.

It’s the strangest goddamn thing you’ve ever seen.
Finally, he finishes.

ON CAL

Content. His yard may not be his anymore, but it’s back
in order. As he takes it all in…

A LIGHT pops on.

Cal DIVES into a SHRUB.

46 INT. BAR – THAT NIGHT 46
Another night at the bar: Cal’s in his position, Jacob
in his. Cal sips his drink, staring aimlessly forward.

Jacob looks at Cal. Cal looks great, more comfortable in
his new “skin” than when we left him. He’s drinking a
martini, rather than a red-strawed vodka cranberry.

A WAITRESS passes. Without speaking, Cal taps the rim of
the glass, silently requesting a refill. It’s a cool,
practiced move… and he did it instinctively.

Jacob smiles, leans forward.

JACOB
I think you’re ready, Cal.

CAL
For what?
(CONTINUED)
51.
46 CONTINUED: 46
JACOB
To talk to a woman, take a woman
home.

CAL
Oh, no. No, I’m not.

JACOB
You’ve been watching me do it for
two weeks.

CAL
Yeah, well, I’ve been watching
LeBron James for years, doesn’t
mean I can suddenly dunk a
basketball.

JACOB
Cal, do you remember the part in
Karate Kid, where Mr. Miagi keeps
having the kid wax the car and the
kid gets all bent out of shape
because he doesn’t see the point,
but the movements were actually
building blocks for throwing and
blocking punches?

CAL
Oh God. Are you going to make me
fight someone?

Jacob stretches his neck, trying his patience:

JACOB
Cal, what’s the first thing I do
when a woman sits down?

CAL
You ask if you can buy her a
drink.

JACOB
And what if she says no?

CAL
You order her a drink anyway, let
it sit there.

JACOB
When she asks me a question about
myself?

(CONTINUED)
52.
46 CONTINUED: (2) 46
CAL
You deflect it back to her. You
never answer questions about
yourself.

JACOB
And what happens?

CAL
They talk about themselves. A
lot.

JACOB
And what do I do?

CAL
You act really interested. You
nod a lot.

JACOB
And at the end of the night?

CAL
You compliment them, then you ask
if they’d like to come back to
your place.

JACOB
Do I ask?

CAL
No. You confidently tell them
you’d like them to come back to
your place.
(THEN)
Holy shit! You Mr. Miagi’d me!

Jacob BOWS to Cal, Japanese style. A PRETTY WOMAN stands
near their table. Jacob stands, smiles.

JACOB
Oh, and no talking about your job,
your children, your pathetic
sexual history, or David
Jacobowitz. Okay, here we go…

CAL
What, no, I’m not ready for —
(then, to woman)
Hi!

Jacob has pulled her over. She’s attractive, mid-
thirties.

(CONTINUED)
53.
46 CONTINUED: (3) 46
JACOB
Cal, this is Kate. Kate, Cal.

Jacob NODS at Cal (“you’ve got this”) and leaves them.
Kate SITS. Cal smiles at Kate, nervous. She smiles
back. Cal MOTIONS for a waitress in the distance.

CAL
Can I buy you a drink, Kate?

KATE (PRETTY WOMAN)
Oh. No thank you.

Cal smiles, portrays confidence.

CAL
I’m buying you a drink anyway,
Kate, so you might as well tell me
what you want.

KATE
Really, thank you but it’s okay.

CAL
I’m guessing you’re a vodka girl,
am I right? Yeah? A nice dirty
martini? No, no, no: a Grey
Goose, rocks, extra lime? C’mon,
one drink! Picture those ice
cubes clinking together. Mmmm.
Can’t you taste it?

She smiles.

KATE
Yes, I can but… I’m, uh, five
years sober so…

Cal’s face drops. The WAITRESS approaches.

WAITRESS
What can I get —

CAL
Nothing. We don’t want anything.
Don’t come back here ever.

The Waitress leaves, confused. Kate looks around,
uncomfortable. She tries small-talk.

KATE
So… what do you do, Cal?

CAL
What do you do, Kate?
(CONTINUED)
54.
46 CONTINUED: (4) 46
KATE
I asked you first.

CAL
I asked you second.

She LAUGHS lightly, thinks he’s being funny.

KATE
Seriously, what do you do?

CAL
Seriously, what do you do?

Now it’s getting a little weird.

KATE
I’m a teacher. Now, c’mon: what
do you do?

Cal NODS, exaggerated.

CAL
Teacher. Interesting. I’m very
interested in teaching.

KATE
I’m sorry, are you not going to
tell me what you do?

He’s still nodding, as if fascinated.

CAL
A teacher with an alcohol
dependency no less, I bet that’s
actually more common than people
realize…

KATE
I should get back to my friends —

Kate STANDS. Cal puts his face in his hands.

CAL
I’m sorry! I’m supposed to
deflect your questions… oh screw
it: I’m in corporate insurance.
And I have children. Plural.
More than one. The only thing I
have ONE of, is sexual partners,
that would be the woman I recently
separated from because she was
cheating on me with David
Jacobowitz who I wasn’t supposed
to tell you about either.
(CONTINUED)
55.
46 CONTINUED: (5) 46
Kate turns back, curious.

KATE
What were you supposed to tell me?

CAL
I don’t know: that you’re a
perfect combination of sexy and
cute — it was something I said
about my wife that’s since been
corrupted. But I’m tired, and I’m
at least fifteen years older than
you, and this sweater is called
slim fitting but it’s really just
uncomfortable and itchy.

KATE
You think I’m a perfect
combination of sexy and cute?

Cal looks up.

CAL
That’s what you took away from
that?

She smiles, sits back down.

KATE
Wow, an actual honest man. I
don’t know what to do with that.
It’s kind of… rare around here.
(THEN)
It’s nice, actually.

CAL
It is?

KATE
You have no idea. I’m kind of a
magnet for these jerk-offs. They
charm me, and I fall for it, and
at some point they just… never
call me again.

CAL
(GENUINE)
I don’t understand. Look at you.
Who wouldn’t call you again?
She looks up. It’s not a line, it’s a genuine
compliment. She smiles warmly. Holy shit, Cal is in!

(CONTINUED)
56.
46 CONTINUED: (6) 46
KATE
So… what were you `supposed’ to
do next?

CAL
Well, eventually I’m `supposed’ to
ask you if you want to get out of
here. Actually no, I’m supposed
to tell you, confidently, that you
should come home with me.

KATE
Why don’t you give it a shot, see
what happens?

Cal looks up, surprised. He clears his throat, then:

CAL
You’re very pretty, Kate. And I
can’t tell if you’re being
serious, but I think you should
come home with me.

KATE
(PLAYFUL)
Ask me again.

Cal smiles and leans forward, faux-confident.

CAL
I’m not asking you, Kate. I’m
telling you: you should come home
with me.

Kate looks up, genuinely turned-on.

CUE MUSIC: “SEXYBACK” by Justin Timberlake.

SMASH CUT TO:

47 INT. CORPORATE APARTMENT – LATER 47

Cal and Kate BARGE in, passionately kissing.

CAL
(gasping for breath)
This is my dumpy apartment that I
had to move into when I left my
wife.

(CONTINUED)
57.
47 CONTINUED: 47
KATE
(TURNED ON)
I love that you’re being so
honest. It’s so different, so
hot.

CAL
I’ve never been with a woman
besides my ex-wife.

KATE
More, tell me more.

CAL
I’m worried you have AIDS.

She stops.

CAL
Only a little.

She pushes him down on the couch, takes her sweater off.
She’s wearing just a bra. She looks amazing.

KATE
What do you want to do with me?

CAL
Show you off to my wife to make
her jealous.

She GROWLS and dives on top of him as we launch:

48 CAL WEAVER’S “SEXYBACK” MONTAGE (THE NEXT FEW WEEKS) 48
— The next morning a DISHEVELED CAL lets Kate out, gives
her a big passionate kiss, and closes the DOOR.

— We STAY ON the DOOR. After a beat, it opens up: as
Cal bids farewell to a NEW GIRL on a new morning.

49 AT THE BAR 49

Cal strides in — a skip in his step, a perfectly
tailored suit on his body. Everything’s in SLOW MOTION.
He points at someone, winks at a waitress…

A SAD SACK GUY at the bar watches Cal stride by, jealous.
Cal Weaver has evolved into “the fucking man.”
58.

50 SNAPSHOTS 50

MEANWHILE —

1) HANNAH studies late into the night for the bar. 2)
JESSICA reads magazine articles on “How to Make Him
Notice You.” 3) TRACY eats ice cream in bed, alone. 4)
ROBBIE drags mysterious wood planks into his backyard.
But we’re mainly with CAL…

51 BACK TO CAL’S APARTMENT 51

A NEW WOMAN EXITS. The door closes. It re-opens as he
kisses goodbye ANOTHER WOMAN!

52 BACK AT THE BAR — CAL AND JACOB 52

are mid-conversation.

JACOB
… it would work!

CAL
You’re out of your mind.

JACOB
What do college guys hate? Doing
laundry. What do they love?
Strippers. It’s a strip club
where they can do their laundry.

CAL
It’s ridiculous.
JACOB
And yours isn’t? A candy store
that only sells red candy.

CAL
Everyone loves the cherry. Look,
I’m not rejecting the psuedo-
cherry flavors like raspberry or
strawberry, anything in the -erry
family is allowed. But let’s be
real here: no one wants the
lemon. No one likes the grape.

JACOB
I like grape.

CAL
Well then you can’t come to my
store.
(CONTINUED)
59.
52 CONTINUED: 52
They LAUGH, quickly becoming inseparable.

53 INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN – EVENING 53

A late 40s couple eat dinner: BERNIE (the big guy who
“broke up” with Cal earlier) and CLAIRE, a bubbly little
woman — the polar opposite of her husband.

CLAIRE
Oh, I almost forgot — heard some
good gossip at the nail salon.

BERNIE
For God’s sake, Claire.

CLAIRE
(SING-SONGY)
It’s about Cal.

BERNIE
Leave the poor bastard alone,
would you? I gave him the cologne
like you told me to. We don’t
have to dance on his grave.

VOICE (O.S.)
What did you hear about Mr.
Weaver, Mom?

PULL BACK — JESSICA (THE BABYSITTER) SITS AT THE NEARBY
COUNTER, EATING NEXT TO HER LITTLE BROTHER (13).

CLAIRE
Apparently, Mr. Weaver has become
quite a man-about-town if you get
my drift.

JESSICA
What?

CLAIRE
Lots of young women coming in and
out of his apartment lately.

BERNIE
Claire, would you cut it out?

CLAIRE
It’s good for Jess to know. She
still baby-sits for him after all.

(CONTINUED)
60.
53 CONTINUED: 53
BERNIE
Oh, c’mon! Enough.

CLAIRE
Well, it’s good gossip at the
least. Ooh, guess what else I
heard…

As she CONTINUES CHATTERING in the b.g., we HOLD ON
Jessica. Thinking.

54 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – NEXT DAY 54

Jessica waits at her LOCKER. She spots a TALL BLONDE
GIRL moving down the hallway, texting as she walks.

JESSICA
Madison! Madison, wait!

Madison stops walking, but not texting.

JESSICA
Hey, I had a question —

Madison holds up a finger (“one second”) and continues
texting. Finally, she stops. Looks up. Smiles.

MADISON
Hey, Jessica, whassup?

JESSICA
I had a question for you, Madison.
It’s kind of on the personal side
so…

MADISON
My lips are…

Madison extends her arms, begins clapping and making
WEIRD NOISES. Jessica stares at her blankly.

MADISON
(EXPLAINING)
Seals.
(THEN)
My lips are seals.

JESSICA
Oh, okay. So, Madison, here’s the
thing… I don’t mean to be blunt
or insulting but, let’s call it
what it is: you’re always
sleeping with older guys, right?

(CONTINUED)
61.
54 CONTINUED: 54
MADISON
(NODDING)
Always.

JESSICA
Lots of college guys, I’ve heard.

MADISON
Lots of them.

JESSICA
Even rumors about a few teachers.

MADISON
Totally.

JESSICA
So my question is: how do you do
that? I mean, how do you get them
not to see you as… well, a kid
in high school?

MADISON
Oh, well first off, I have a huge
rack.

JESSICA
You do, yes.

MADISON
So that helps.

JESSICA
Yes, I’m sure it does.

MADISON
You don’t have a huge rack.

JESSICA
No, I don’t unfortunately.

MADISON
So that’s not gonna work.

JESSICA
Nope.

Madison SIGHS.

MADISON
Okay, here’s what you do. Wait,
how old is he?

JESSICA
Old.
(CONTINUED)
62.
54 CONTINUED: (2) 54
MADISON
Like really old?

JESSICA
Like parent old.

MADISON
Nasty. Rock on, Jessica.

JESSICA
Thank you, Madison.

MADISON
Alright, you have to hook him.
Force his hand. Make him unable
to stop himself from doing what he
knows to be wrong.

JESSICA
How?

MADISON
Do what I do. Send him a postcard
from downtown.

JESSICA
Huh?

MADISON
Go TMZ on his ass.

JESSICA
I’m not following you, Madis–

MADISON
The full gyno.

Off Jessica’s blank look.

MADISON
A crotch shot? A nip slip?
(THEN)
A dirty picture! You can even
Annie Leibowitz it. Tasteful but
with nipple. Yeah, that’s what
you should do: make it artistic.
Black and white. Make this face.

She makes a raw sexual face.

JESSICA
Jesus, Madison!

(CONTINUED)
63.
54 CONTINUED: (3) 54
MADISON
Well, you came to me for advice,
that’s my advice. You put those
across his radar, he won’t see you
as a little girl anymore, that’s
for sure.

Madison walks off, calls back.

MADISON
Don’t send it to him as a jpeg,
though. He’ll put it up on his
fantasy football web-site. And
then your brother sees it, tells
your mom, and suddenly you’re not
allowed to use Facebook for a
month. Thanks, Kevin!

She leaves Jessica there, processing the advice.

55 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – LATER THAT DAY 55

Jessica EXITS the school, lost in thought. There’s a bit
of commotion outside. TEENAGERS are pointing and
LAUGHING at something.

Jessica pushes through and sees:

ROBBIE, standing atop a man-made, tall, wooden
platform/scaffold in front of the school.

ROBBIE
(DRAMATICALLY)
There she is!

ON JESSICA

Oh shit.

BACK TO ROBBIE

as he RIPS OPEN his button-up shirt, revealing a SCARLET
J taped to his pale, hairless chest. He has recreated
the famous Scarlet Letter tableau. He pulls out a piece
of paper, reads it.

(CONTINUED)
64.
55 CONTINUED: 55
ROBBIE
Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in The
Scarlet Letter: `No man for any
considerable period can wear one
face to himself and another to the
multitude, without finally getting
bewildered as to which may be the
true.’

Robbie puts down the paper, ignoring the jeers.

ROBBIE
I am not bewildered! Jessica
Riley is my soulmate. She’s the
one! I know it to be true, and so
now do the multitude.
(CORRECTING HIMSELF)
Multitudes?
(then, deciding)
No, multitude.

JESSICA
Robbie, get down!

ROBBIE
I have marked myself with this
Scarlet J, Jessica! For you.
Because your name starts with a J.
It’s just tape and construction
paper but one day I will get a
permanent tattoo when I’m old
enough that my parents won’t freak
out on me.

JESSICA
Robbie Weaver! I am your baby-
sitter and I’m telling you to GET
YOUR ASS DOWN FROM THERE NOW!

That does the trick. He gets down to mocking APPLAUSE.
Jessica pulls him off to the side.

JESSICA
(HEATED WHISPER)
What the hell are you thinking?

ROBBIE
You like the scaffold? It has
wheels. Took four weeks to build
it.
(THEN)
Oh, those are my friends, they
helped me wheel it down. Wave
hello.

(CONTINUED)
65.
55 CONTINUED: (2) 55
OFF TO THE SIDE: Three excited THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLDS WAVE
and give THUMBS-UPS to Robbie. Jessica waves, confused,
turns back to Robbie.

JESSICA
This has to stop, Robbie.
Seriously.

ROBBIE
You’ll learn to love me. I
promise.

JESSICA
I won’t.

ROBBIE
Just because I’m four years
younger than you?

JESSICA
BECAUSE I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!!

This stops Robbie dead in his tracks.

JESSICA
I’ve been spending time with him
for a while.

Robbie stumbles, less sure-footed than usual.

ROBBIE
No. You can’t. I’ve checked. No
boyfriend since ninth grade. No
date for Spring Formal last
MONTH —

JESSICA
He’s older. I don’t want my
parents to know.

And with that, Robbie literally just sits down on the
ground, all the wind taken out of him. It might be the
cutest thing you’ve ever seen.

ROBBIE
Who is he?

JESSICA
It doesn’t matter.

ROBBIE
Do I know him? Is he from town?

JESSICA
I don’t know. Yes, kind of.
(CONTINUED)
66.
55 CONTINUED: (3) 55
ROBBIE
I’ll kill him if he hurts you.

Jessica tries not to smile.

JESSICA
I know. But this all has to stop
now, Robbie. The speeches, the
texts, all of it. It’s very
sweet, but it has to stop.

He just sits there, lost.

JESSICA
I’ll see you around, okay?

She EXITS. Robbie remains seated on the grass.
Devastated. His three friends approach.

ROBBIE’S FRIEND
We should probably get the
scaffold back on the road before
dark.

ROBBIE
Yeah.

56 INT. CAL’S CORPORATE APARTMENT – AFTERNOON (NEXT DAY) 56

Robbie’s on the couch, dejected. His little sister sits
next to him, watching High School Musical as always.

In the adjoining kitchen, Cal is on the phone.

CAL
(INTO PHONE)
Hey, Nanna! I know, it’s been
forever. Have you been getting
out at all? I’ll bring you some
of that deli you like one night,
okay? The kids? They’re fine.
(to other room)
Kids, say hi to Nanna.

ROBBIE AND MOLLY
Hi, Nanna!

CAL
Oh, I’ve been keeping busy. Made
a new buddy, I’ve been spending
time with him. Yeah, I’m going to
see her tomorrow night. Of course
I miss her. You don’t know how
much I miss…
(CONTINUED)
67.
56 CONTINUED: 56
His voice cracks. He turns, sees Robbie staring. He
heads into the bathroom with the phone, closes the door.

Robbie SIGHS, turns back to the TV.

CUT TO:

57 EXT. CAL’S CORPORATE APARTMENT – LATER THAT DAY 57

Cal and Robbie are having a catch. Robbie is listless.

ROBBIE
So you’re seeing Mom tomorrow,
huh? At my parent-teacher thing?

CAL
Yeah.

ROBBIE
First time in a while.

CAL
Yeah, but no biggie.

Cal tosses him back the ball.

CAL
Hey, what’s with the moping?

ROBBIE
Nothing. It’s just… there’s
this girl.

Cal smiles.

CAL
Oh yeah? You like her?

ROBBIE
I like Pringles. This girl’s my
soulmate. I’m like crazy, stupid,
in love with her. And she wants
someone else.

CAL
But she’s your soulmate?

ROBBIE
Yeah.

CAL
Well you can’t just give up.

(CONTINUED)
68.
57 CONTINUED: 57
ROBBIE
Why not?
(then, quietly)
You did.

Cal freezes.

ROBBIE
Mom was yours, right?

CAL
I didn’t give up.

ROBBIE
Listen, Dad. I love you. I have
your back, always. But let’s be
honest here: the woman told you
she wanted a divorce and you
jumped out of a car.

CAL
It was slightly more complicated
than that. And I’m a different
guy now.

ROBBIE
You’re the same guy. You just
have different clothes. Do you
still love her?

CAL
How old ARE you?

ROBBIE
(STRONGLY)
Do you still love Mom?

Cal doesn’t say anything. His silence speaks volumes.

CAL
Weren’t we talking about you?

ROBBIE
We are. Your son is in desperate
need of some romantic inspiration.
So set an example for your boy.
Don’t give up. It’s complicated?
Uncomplicate it. She says no?
Change her mind. Look at you,
you’re the man right now, Dad.
Get her back.
(DRAMATICALLY)
Get back my mom.

(CONTINUED)
69.
57 CONTINUED: (2) 57
Robbie punctuates his pep talk by tossing Cal the ball,
hard.

Cal is lost in thought. The ball sails past him and
THROUGH THE WINDOW of a nearby car.

58 EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL – NEXT NIGHT 58

PARENTS walk hand-in-hand, into the school. It’s Parent-
Teacher conference night.

59 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL – NEXT NIGHT 59

Cal sits on a small chair outside a classroom. Tracy
approaches.

TRACY (O.S.)
Wow.

Cal looks up. Tracy stands there. She’s dressed down,
but looks amazing. Vulnerable and nervous.

TRACY
(FLOORED)
You look great, Cal.

CAL
Oh, well turns out I’ve been
buying the wrong size suit for
twenty years so…

TRACY
Well you look great. Really.

Cal smiles.

CAL
Thank you.
(THEN)
You always look great, so…

Awkward. Neither knows what to say now. Tracy takes the
seat next to him.

CAL
I talked to Nanna yesterday.

TRACY
Me, too. She sound okay to you?

CAL
She sounded like… Nanna. She
worries about us.
(CONTINUED)
70.
59 CONTINUED: 59

Tracy NODS. A long beat, then:

CAL
I feel like I’m about to get
detention.

Tracy LAUGHS, tension broken a bit.

CAL
Which teacher is this?

TRACY
Mrs. Thompson. This is the one
he pulled The Scarlet Letter
Asshole routine on.

Cal smiles.

CAL
He’s a really weird kid, isn’t he?

TRACY
Yeah.
(THEN)
I kind of like him, though.

CAL
I do, too. I’m so glad we
switched the babies at the
hospital.

TRACY
Me, too.

They LAUGH. God, these two are great together when
they’re in rhythm. The laughter trickles away.

An awkward beat, then:

CAL
So, how are things with…
(a beat, then)
How’s it going with David?

She looks down.

TRACY
Oh… it’s not.
(THEN)
It wasn’t about him, if that means
anything.

CAL
No, I know.
(CONTINUED)
71.
59 CONTINUED: (2) 59
Cal looks at his watch, a nervous gesture.

TRACY
You seeing anyone?

CAL
Who, me? No. You know me. No,
not really.

TRACY
Oh. Because you hear things, you
know.

CAL
Yeah, well…

Another long beat of silence. Cal gathers himself, takes
a breath, and turns toward Tracy.

CAL
I miss you, T.

Tracy looks up surprised.

CAL
I got complacent, I think. You
find your soulmate in high
school… you’ve got the game
sewed up in the first quarter, you
know?

She smiles.

CAL
I put in an effort when we were
younger, didn’t I? I’d do
anything to make you happy: take
you miniature golfing, dancing —
you were such a good dancer.

TRACY
I had to be. You were such a good
miniature golfer.

He smiles, emboldened.

CAL
All I ever wanted to do was make
you love me. And then you did,
really early on. And we got
married so young. And I guess…
I got lazy. I got boring. And
I’m furious at you for what you
did. But I don’t totally blame
you, if that makes any sense?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
72.
59 CONTINUED: (3) 59
CAL (CONT’D)
(THEN)
I shouldn’t have jumped out of the
car. I should have fought for
you. You fight for your soulmate.
At least that’s what our thirteen-
year-old tells me.

Tracy’s eyes well up with tears.

TRACY
He’s a very strange boy, isn’t he?

CAL
I’ll be honest: he scares the
shit out of me.

She LAUGHS through her tears.

TRACY
I missed you, too.

Cal takes her hand, kisses it.

VOICE (O.S.)
Mr. and Mrs. Weaver?

They turn around.

AT DOORWAY

It’s Robbie’s English teacher, Mrs. Thompson… better
known to us as:

KATE (the teacher from the bar who Cal slept with).

Cal freezes, his lips on Tracy’s hand.

CAL
Oh God.

KATE
Cal? What are you doing here?

CAL
(looking to the sky)
Really?

TRACY
You two know each other?

CAL
Um, yes… we’ve met before.

(CONTINUED)
73.
59 CONTINUED: (4) 59
KATE
We’ve met before? Seriously?

CAL
Mrs. Thompson? This is my wife.
Tracy.

KATE
Oh, so now she’s your WIFE again?
HOW CONVENIENT!

Kate’s getting louder now.

CAL
Why don’t we head inside?

KATE
YES, WHY DON’T WE!?

She STORMS INSIDE. Tracy looks at Cal, follows her in.

60 INT. CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS ACTION 60

Kate PACES in front of the classroom.

TRACY
I’m sorry, I’m playing catch-up:
how do you two know each other?

KATE
Maybe your husband should tell
you.

Cal hesitates.
CAL
We have a mutual friend.

KATE
Ha!

CAL
You know, maybe we should focus on
Robbie?

KATE
Yes, let’s do that. Let’s focus
on Robbie.

Kate goes to her blackboard.

(CONTINUED)
74.
60 CONTINUED: 60
KATE
As you know, Robbie’s shining
moment this year was when he set a
school record for cursing in an
eighth grade English class.

She writes on the board: ASSHOLE. She underlines it.

KATE
Asshole. Are you familiar with
this word, Mrs. Weaver?

CAL
She’s heard it, yes. So in terms
of Robbie’s progress —

KATE
Asshole: as in, someone who tells
a woman that he’ll call, and never
does.

CAL
We were a little concerned about
Robbie’s grade on his oral book
REPORT —

KATE
Asshole: as in, someone who uses
`honesty’ to get a woman into bed
with him, but is actually full of
shit like the rest of them.

CAL
Because usually he’s a very strong
public speaker —

KATE
Asshole: as in, someone who
allows a woman to go down on him
for forty-five minutes because
he’s `nervous’ —

CAL
OKAY! ENOUGH!!!

Kate stops. Cal turns to Tracy. She looks crestfallen.

CAL
I can explain.

Tracy rushes out of the room. Cal calls after her.

CAL
She’s an alcoholic! You can’t
trust what she says!
(CONTINUED)
75.
60 CONTINUED: (2) 60
KATE SCREAMS in horror. Cal races after Tracy. Kate
races after Cal.

61 INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS ACTION 61

A three-way chase:

CAL
Tracy, wait!

TRACY
Leave me alone, Cal!

KATE
I’m sober for FIVE YEARS, you
ASSHOLE!

ON SPECTATORS

TEACHERS and PARENTS (including Jessica’s parents),
stepping out into the hallway and following them outside.

62 EXT. SCHOOL – CONTINUOUS ACTION 62

Tracy races to her car.

CAL
Tracy, c’mon! We were separated.

TRACY
(fumbling for keys)
I know, and I cheated, so it
doesn’t make any sense for me to
be mad at you.

CAL
Okay, so —

TRACY
I can’t do this now, Cal.

CAL
Tracy, I love you.

KATE
Tell her she’s the perfect
combination of sexy and cute,
ASSHOLE!

Tracy looks at Cal, stunned. That’s their thing.

(CONTINUED)
76.
62 CONTINUED: 62
CAL
It’s a funny story, actually —

TRACY
I’m going home.

She opens the car door.

CAL
Tracy, wait! Yes, I slept with
her! I slept with our son’s
eighth grade teacher!

GASPS from the crowd. Claire (Jessica’s Mom) takes a
picture with her cell phone.

CAL
But all it did was confirm what I
already knew: THAT I LOVE, YOU!
I LOVE YOU!!!
Tracy hesitates. Cal seizes the moment.

CAL
Before, you were the only woman
I’d ever been with or wanted to be
with. And now, even after I’ve
been with eleven women, you’re
STILL…

He instantly trails off, realizing. MORE GASPS.

CAL
(MEEKLY COMPLETING)
… the only woman I want to be
with.
TRACY
I don’t even know who you are.

Tracy gets in her car and speeds off.

CAL
(weakly, to himself)
I’m your soulmate.

Cal turns around to the crowd, only to be met…

By a SLAP ACROSS the face by Kate. She STORMS OFF.

CAL
HE DESERVED AN `A’ ON THAT BOOK
REPORT AND YOU KNOW IT!

(CONTINUED)
77.
62 CONTINUED: (2) 62
THUNDER CRACKS in the sky. It begins to pour. Cal
stands there, soaked. He looks up at the sky.

CAL
REALLY!!!???

63 EXT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY 63

Meanwhile, the rain pours down as DINERS scurry into the
restaurant.

64 INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY – CONTINUOUS ACTION 64

We’ve been here before… the same group of BORING PEOPLE
at the same table. Liz and Hannah CHAT off to the side.

There’s a cake on the table that says “CONGRATS HANNAH!”

Richard stands on a chair.

RICHARD
Excuse me, everyone. Everyone!?

The room goes quiet.

RICHARD
Now, if we could get our guest of
honor over here… I forget what
she looks like, anyone remember?

POLITE LAUGHS. Liz GAGS herself with her finger, looks
at Hannah. Hannah takes a deep breath, downs her drink,
and walks over to Richard. Is this it?

RICHARD
I’m so proud of you, baby. I had
my doubts, of course…

More CHEESY LAUGHTER.

RICHARD
Now I did tell you that it’d be a
special night when you passed the
bar. And I’m a lawyer so you know
I never lie…

More HECKLING from the crowd. Liz desperately orders
another drink, barely able to take it.

RICHARD
So, Hannah, I’d like to formally
ask you, in front of all our
friends and colleagues…
(CONTINUED)
78.
64 CONTINUED: 64
Hannah waits, frozen.

RICHARD
… if you’d like to become a
permanent lawyer at the firm of
Watkins, Goldberg, and Schmidt!?

CHEERS. Hannah steps back, breathless. Richard reacts.

RICHARD
You don’t have a better offer
already, do you?

Everyone LAUGHS.

HANNAH
No, that’s great. I just…
(then, privately)
I’m sorry, I thought… I thought
you were about to propose.

The room goes quiet, trying to hear.

RICHARD
What?

HANNAH
No, I just… it’s fine. I’m
sorry, I just got thrown is all.

Richard pulls Hannah off to the side.

RICHARD
Honey, I’m so sorry, I didn’t
realize.

HANNAH
No, no, don’t be silly, it’s fine.

RICHARD
It’s definitely a possibility,
down the road. I think I just
need a little more time. I’m
still figuring out how I feel
about us, you know: long-term.

HANNAH
No, I know…
(THEN)
Wait — you’re figuring out how
you feel about us?
She LAUGHS. Once. Then twice. Loudly. Everyone’s now
watching. Liz gets a good seat, excited.

(CONTINUED)
79.
64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
RICHARD
Honey?

She’s really laughing now.

HANNAH
You know what the best part is: I
would have said yes! To YOU! And
I didn’t even want you to propose!
Just now, I swear to God: I was
hoping you wouldn’t propose. And
I still would have said YES!
That’s how pathetic I am!

She snags someone else’s drink from the table, DOWNS IT.
She grabs Richard’s cheeks.

HANNAH
I will consider your job offer,
thank you so much, Richard.

Hysterically LAUGHING, she walks away. As she passes,
Liz sticks out her hand and they slap five.

65 INT. BAR 65

Meanwhile, Jacob sits alone in the bar. He checks his
watch. No Cal.

Suddenly, he looks very alone at his usual table.

He shakes it off, stands, and approaches the table of a
group of nearby WOMEN.

ON THE WOMEN

One of them is telling a story:

WOMAN
And you know what she said?

JACOB (O.S.)
What? What did she say?

The women look up.

ON JACOB

Standing there, in all his glory. He flashes his coolest
smile. They melt. We’ve seen this before.

SLAM! The door to the bar busts open, revealing:
(CONTINUED)
80.
65 CONTINUED: 65
HANNAH.

She’s dripping wet from the rain, looking almost wild.

She scans the room, quickly, searching for…

JACOB.

She spots him, marches straight to him.

For the first time, he looks like a deer in the
headlights.

She grabs him. Kisses him. A long, deep, almost angry
kiss. She pulls back.

HANNAH
Do you remember me?

JACOB
Yes.

HANNAH
Do you still think I’m attractive?

JACOB
Yes.

HANNAH
Do you still want to take me home?

JACOB
Yes.

Hannah NODS, takes his hand.

HANNAH
Let’s go.

She leads him out of the bar. We STAY WITH the WOMEN
Jacob had just been introducing himself to.

WOMAN #1
Slut.

66 INT. JACOB’S APARTMENT – LATER 66

We haven’t been here yet. It’s exactly what you’d expect
though: an elegant bachelor-pad. Modern furniture.
Sleek. Everything just right. Jacob puts an album on
his record player.

(CONTINUED)
81.
66 CONTINUED: 66
HANNAH
This place looks like something
out of a men’s magazine.

JACOB
Is that a compliment?

HANNAH
I’m not sure.

Music starts playing: “As Tears Go By” by the Stones.

HANNAH
I like this song.

JACOB
I thought you would.
(THEN)
Drink?

HANNAH
Yes, please.

Jacob pours two nice glasses of SCOTCH, neat. Brings
them (and the bottle) over towards the couch.

He pats the couch. Hannah nods, walks over, sits down.

JACOB
Cheers.

HANNAH
Cheers.

They CLINK. Jacob takes a sip. Hannah downs hers. She
holds out her glass for a refill.

Jacob raises a brow, pours her another. This time she
HOLDS HER NOSE as she downs it. As soon as she finishes
choking…

HANNAH
So is this how it normally works?

JACOB
What?

HANNAH
How you woo a woman? You take
them back to your granite-
countered bachelor pad, put on the
perfect song, and make them a
drink?

(CONTINUED)
82.
66 CONTINUED: (2) 66
JACOB
Yes. That’s how it normally
works.

Hannah NODS, grabs the bottle, takes a swig.

HANNAH
And then you sleep with them?

JACOB
Yes.

HANNAH
So that’s what happens next? We
sleep together?

JACOB
At some point, yes, I was under
the impression that was your plan.

She takes a deep breath, admits:

HANNAH
I’m very nervous.

JACOB
I’m getting that.

HANNAH
I know at the bar I seemed
confident, but I was more just
soaking wet and cold and trying to
be dramatic.

Jacob LAUGHS. He actually LAUGHS.

JACOB
You’re adorable.

Hannah SNAPS, already tipsy.

HANNAH
No! Not adorable! Sexy! R-rated
sexy! Because I know what happens
next in the PG-13 version of
tonight: I get really drunk, and
I pass out, and you cover me with
a blanket, and kiss my forehead,
and nothing happens… but that’s
not why I’m here!
(THEN)
I’m here to bang the hot guy from
the bar who hit on me.

(CONTINUED)
83.
66 CONTINUED: (3) 66
JACOB
I don’t think people say `bang’
anymore.

HANNAH
I do. We’re going to bang. I’m
finally going to do something
exciting and dangerous and Liz can
blow me!

Hannah shakes her hands out, pumping herself up.

HANNAH
Okay, okay, this is happening.
(THEN)
Take off your shirt.

JACOB
What?

HANNAH
I need to stop thinking. Take off
your shirt.

Jacob SHRUGS, stands, unbuttons his shirt and takes it
off. He’s ripped.

HANNAH
Holy crap.

She pokes a finger at his abs.

HANNAH
It’s like you’re photo-shopped.

JACOB
Now take off yours.

HANNAH
No way! Not with all that
happening…

She motions casually at his abs.

HANNAH
So… do you prefer to do it here
or in the bedroom?

JACOB
(AMUSED)
In the bedroom is preferable.

Hannah stands, a girl on a mission.

(CONTINUED)
84.
66 CONTINUED: (4) 66
HANNAH
Good. Let’s go there.

67 INT. BAR 67

Meanwhile Cal, beaten up and soaking wet from the rain,
ENTERS. He looks to his usual table, in need of a
friend’s company.

But Jacob isn’t there.

CUT BACK TO:

68 INT. JACOB’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS ACTION 68

Hannah lies on her back in the dim light. Jacob is on
top of her, shirtless. They’re making out, gently.

HANNAH
(TIPSY)
This pillow is amazing. It forms
perfectly to the shape of my head.

JACOB
I’m glad you like it.

They resume kissing. After a beat, she pulls back again.

HANNAH
Wait, are these those foam pillows
from Brookstone?

Off his look…

HANNAH
They are, aren’t they!? I always
wondered who actually buys them!
You do! The hot guy from the bar
buys them! Of course!

She shakes her head, amazed. Gathers herself.

HANNAH
Sorry, let’s proceed.

Jacob smiles, goes to kiss her… she pulls back again.

HANNAH
You don’t have one of those
ridiculous massage chairs, do you?

(CONTINUED)
85.
68 CONTINUED: 68
JACOB
(LYING)
No.

HANNAH
Oh. My. God! You totally do!

JACOB
(ADMITTING)
I do.

She STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. It’s infectious.

HANNAH
How much did it cost?

JACOB
Five thousand doll–

That DOUBLES HER OVER, hysterical. Jacob starts laughing
with her… really laughing. We can tell: this is
different for him. He likes her.

We watch him as he realizes that. As he processes it.
We watch him look at Hannah.

ON HANNAH

Hair in her face: drunk, laughing, completely amazing.
And then… Jacob does the most unexpected thing:

JACOB
Do me a favor. Ask me a question
about myself.

HANNAH
What? No! I don’t want to know
anything about you.

JACOB
C’mon, one question.

HANNAH
Okay, fine, but then we bang.

JACOB
Absolutely. Now, come on, I’ll
answer anything. You can ask me
about my job, or past
GIRLFRIENDS —

HANNAH
What’s your mom like?

(CONTINUED)
86.
68 CONTINUED: (2) 68
The question takes him by surprise. He hesitates, then:

JACOB
Icy… I guess? Not cruel, but
cold. Very cold.

HANNAH
And your father?

JACOB
He died, long time ago. Left us a
lot of money, which is how I
have…

He motions at his PILLOW.

JACOB
Stuff like this.

She motions at his abs.

HANNAH
And time for stuff like that?

He LAUGHS.

JACOB
My dad was the opposite of my mom,
actually…

We PULL BACK as they continue chatting.

TIME PASSES, as one question leads to another, and then
another.

Body language shifts.

— Soon they’re sitting in bed, sharing the Scotch from
the bottle, just talking. Then kissing. Then lying on
their sides, face-to-face, talking some more.

— Until finally: it’s Jacob who passes out. And it’s

Hannah who covers him with a blanket, and kisses him on
the forehead, and begins falling in love with him.

CUE MUSIC as we begin a…

MONTAGE. IN ONE CONTINUOUS DOLLY MOVE WE HEAD, FIRST,
TO…
87.

69 INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING 69

Hannah looks longingly at Jacob’s plate of pancakes.

He notices, switches plates.

She smiles. He smiles. God, he’s crazy about her.

He looks at the next table, watches a LOVELORN GUY switch
plates with his GIRLFRIEND.

Uh-oh.

70 INT. MOVIE THEATRE – NIGHT 70

DOLLY DOWN the row, HANDS are held between COUPLES, all
entranced by the movie, until we REVEAL:

JACOB

staring down at his hand, locked with Hannah’s. He looks
terrified.

71 INT. HANNAH’S BEDROOM – EVENING 71

Now it’s Hannah who’s asleep in bed, and Jacob who stares
at her lovingly. Suddenly, he catches himself.

In a series of COMEDIC JUMP-CUTS, he wrestles with the
implications of what’s happening to him.

— Pacing. A drink. A big drink. Fingers pulling at
his own hair. Hyperventilating. More staring. More
pacing.

CUT TO:

71A INT. HANNAH’S BEDROOM 71A

And finally, he loses the battle: he tucks Hannah under
a blanket, kisses her forehead, and finally…

Gives in to falling in love with her.

CUT TO:

72 INT. BAR – EVENING 72

Cal is sitting at the table that once belonged to Jacob.
He suddenly seems very alone.
(CONTINUED)
88.
72 CONTINUED: 72
He looks towards the bar, notices that same SAD SACK
MIDDLE-AGED GUY. Also alone. He picks up his cell.

73 INT. RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS ACTION 73

Tracy sits at a table, FLOWERS off to the side. Her
phone rings. She looks at it, sees it’s “Cal.” She hits
IGNORE.

PULL BACK to reveal DAVID JACOBWITZ, across from her. He
looks at Tracy and smiles. She smiles back weakly.

74 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE – LATER 74

The awkward end of a first date. David walks Tracy to
the front door. She’s carrying those same flowers.

Awkward beat.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
I had fun tonight, Tracy. And I
was wondering if —

TRACY
David, stop. Look, I had a nice
time, which is a substantial
upgrade from the rest of the…
times I’ve been having lately.
So, I don’t think I’m ready to
start dating but my ex clearly is
and there’s a yogurt shop where
they make this eight calorie ice
cream that tastes like a laxative,
so if you’d like to take me there
sometime I guess I wouldn’t say
no.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
Wow. You know, that’s exactly
what I was thinking. It’s almost
uncanny.

They LAUGH. This is the moment. Romantic chemistry.
Are they going to kiss? Holy cow. And then…

THE DOOR OPENS. Jessica stands there.

JESSICA
Hello.

TRACY
Oh, Jessica. Hi. Sorry.
Jessica, this is my work-friend.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
89.
74 CONTINUED: 74
TRACY (CONT’D)
He’s an accountant named David.
David, this is my baby-sitter,
Jessica. Okay, David, well
everything sounds great.
Spreadsheets.

David smiles knowingly.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
I’ll see you at work.

He EXITS. Tracy stands there with Jessica, awkward.

INSIDE THE DOOR

Robbie sneaks down the stairs. From a kneeling position,
he can hear and see everything.

JESSICA
So… How was dinner?

TRACY
It was just for work.

JESSICA
(POINTEDLY)
It’s a pretty dress.

TRACY
Oh, thanks.

Tracy reaches for her purse, awkwardly.

TRACY
So how much do I owe yo–

JESSICA
Did you know your kids are the
only ones I baby-sit for who
always want to stay awake so they
can see their dad when he gets
home. I mean, they fight with
everything they have to keep their
eyes open so they can hear what
Dad had for dinner, or how he
liked the movie. Lot of kids want
to stay awake for Mom — and your
kids always want to see you, don’t
get me wrong — but not a lot wait
up for Dad. Maybe it’s because
he’s good, and he’s kind, and he’s
decent.

(CONTINUED)
90.
74 CONTINUED: (2) 74
TRACY
What are you talking abo–

JESSICA
Batshit crazy.

She walks out the door. Tracy looks confused.

TRACY
Jessica?

Jessica turns, explodes?

JESSICA
I DON’T WANT YOUR SLUTTY MONEY!

She storms off.

TRACY
Jessica!

But she’s gone. Tracy SIGHS (“what the hell was that”)
and CLOSES the door.

75 INT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS ACTION 75

Tracy locks the door and leans against it… processing
what Jessica just said about Cal.

She puts the FLOWERS down on the table, and heads into
the kitchen.

ON ROBBIE
at top of the stairs, regarding the flowers.

76 EXT. STREET – LATER 76

CUE MUSIC. Robbie rides his bike down the street. He’s
got Tracy’s FLOWERS nestled in his handlebars.

77 INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM – MINUTES LATER 77

Jessica ENTERS in a huff, goes right toward a drawer in
her dresser. She pulls out a CAMERA.

IN QUICK CUTS

we watch as she: Sets it on her dresser. Hits the
timer. Steps back. Drops her clothes to the floor.
(CONTINUED)
91.
77 CONTINUED: 77
Prints a PHOTO from her camera. And places it in an
ENVELOPE READING:

“Cal Weaver.” With a heart. She stares at the envelope
for a beat.

Just then: HER DOORBELL RINGS.

Jessica jumps, started. She quickly puts the envelope in
a drawer and heads for the door.

78 INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER 78

She opens the front door. Sitting on her stoop:

The same flowers that David Jacobowitz gave Tracy sit out
front. She looks at the note. It reads: “Just give me
a chance, love David J” but the “David J.” has been
crossed out and replaced with “Robbie.”

She shakes her head, takes the flowers, closes the door.

79 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD – LATE EVENING 79

MUSIC CONTINUES as we spy the Weaver family through their
windows: Robbie plays video games in his room. Molly
watching her show in hers. Tracy in the kitchen.

We MOVE DOWN the house, and OUTSIDE, where we discover:

Cal in stealth mode, tending to his backyard. He
fertilizes, trims and waters. All under cover of night.

TRACY (O.S.)
Kids! Ice cream!

Cal looks into the living room. Tracy has brought out
ice cream: a carton with three spoons. The kids race
down the stairs, join her, and start eating. Laughing.

We take in the real-time TABLEAU:

Cal’s wife and children — his family — inside. Cal:
watching them from the outside, looking in.

It’s touching. It’s complicated. It’s horribly painful.

INSIDE… Tracy looks at her kids, thinks of something.
She steps into the KITCHEN, closes the door, and DIALS
her phone. Cal leans toward the window, suspicious.

OUTSIDE… Cal’s phone rings. He jumps to silence it.

(CONTINUED)
92.
79 CONTINUED: 79
CAL
Hello?

TRACY
Hi, Cal.

Silence. Cal is looking at her inside. She has no idea.

TRACY
So… I’m in the basement. I’m
trying to get the water heater
working `cause the pilot’s out and
I don’t know how to relight it.

Obviously Cal sees she’s not in the basement.

TRACY
I’m sorry to bother you, I just…
what do I do?

Cal lowers the phone, looks at her, hesitates. Then:

CAL
It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m glad
you called. Here: I’ll walk you
through it.
(THEN)
Do you see the little grey door?

TRACY
Yeah.

CAL
Pull it down.

She pantomimes this in the kitchen.

TRACY
Okay, it’s down.

CAL
Now, you see the red button? I
wrote `push’ on it?

TRACY
I got it.

CAL
Push. Now turn that to the right
and stick the match in.

TRACY
Oh, there it goes!

(CONTINUED)
93.
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
CAL
Good. Now just close the door and
you’re good to go.

Silence. The charade is over. Now what?

TRACY
Well, thanks, Cal. I…
appreciate your help.

CAL
No, anytime. Call anytime with
stuff like that.
(AWKWARD BEAT)
Talk to you later?

TRACY
Yeah. And… thanks again.

Cal HANGS up. He takes one final look back at his wife
as the sprinklers go off in the backyard and douse him.

80 INT. CAL’S CORPORATE APARTMENT – MORNING 80

Cal sits on his little couch, between Robbie and Molly.
Molly is once again absorbed in High School Musical.

Cal looks depressed. Robbie doesn’t look much better.

CAL
Nanna’s coming over tonight. You
guys haven’t seen her in a while.
Wanna stay for dinner?

ROBBIE
Sure.

CAL
Your mom’s working till five,
we’ll have to tell her.
(off their silence)
What do you guys want to do today?

MOLLY
(not looking up)
High School Musical.

CAL
Well, there’s a shocker.

She goes back into her trance.

ROBBIE
She still won’t talk to you?
(CONTINUED)
94.
80 CONTINUED: 80
CAL
Not if that show’s on.

ROBBIE
No, I mean, Mom.

CAL
Oh, no. Just hellos and goodbyes
when we pass you guys off.

ROBBIE
What happened?

CAL
Beyond your pay-grade, buddy.

Cal looks pained.

CAL
I will say this though: I got
close. We were laughing. Talking
about old times, all the things we
used to do…

His eyes drift to the TV. It’s the timeless GOLF SCENE
from High School Musical II. A LIGHT BULB goes on.

CAL
(TO ROBBIE)
Hey. Get your coat.

Robbie smiles, runs off. Cal turns to Molly, REMOTE in
hand.

CAL
Baby? I’m gonna have to turn off
the show.

MOLLY
No!

CAL
I have to —

MOLLY
NOOOO!

CAL
I’m turning it off —

MOLLY
NOOOOOOOOOOO!

He just does it! He turns the TV off. Silence. Molly
turns towards him, stares. A long, scary, beat. Then:
(CONTINUED)
95.
80 CONTINUED: (2) 80
MOLLY
(free at last)
Thank you.

Cal KISSES her, jumps up from the couch.

81 INT. SPORTING GOODS STORE – LATER 81

Cal talks to a SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly bounce around,
excited.

82 INT. PARTY SUPPLY STORE – LATER 82

Cal talks to a different SALESMAN. Robbie and Molly
extend a MEASURING TAPE across the ground, assisting.

83 EXT. U-HAUL CENTER – CONTINUOUS ACTION 83

Cal rents a TRUCK.

84 INT. HOME DEPOT – CONTINUOUS ACTION 84

Cal picks up materials. As he rounds a corner, he runs
into… BERNIE.

BERNIE
Oh, hey, Cal.

CAL
Bernie.

BERNIE
So how’ve you —

CAL
Bernie: I’d love to catch up, but
I’m doing something at the old
house tonight and I’m in a bit of
a rush so… yeah. Thanks again
for the cologne.

Cal takes off.

85 EXT. HOME DEPOT – CONTINUOUS ACTION 85

Molly points out her three favorite DAY LABORERS, Cal
hires them.
96.

86 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD – LATER 86

Some kind of construction is going on back there.

Cal’s cell phone RINGS. We go —

86A SPLIT SCREEN 86A

with JACOB on his. He’s waiting outside a LIQUOR STORE
in his car.

CAL
Hello?

JACOB
Hey, Cal.

CAL
Oh. My. God. It’s alive.

JACOB
I’m sorry. I know I’ve been out
of circulation.

CAL
You abandoned me at my time of
need.

JACOB
I’ve been a little… things have
gotten a bit… I met a woman.

CAL
I bet you did.

JACOB
No, I mean, I’ve been spending a
lot of time with her. This woman.
One woman.

CAL
(DISBELIEVING)
Okay, whatever.

JACOB
Actually, tonight… I’m going to
meet her mother.

CAL
(LAUGHING)
Whoa!!!! Look at you! You do
realize you might actually have to
answer a question or two about
yourself?
(CONTINUED)
97.
86A CONTINUED: 86A
JACOB
Yes, I realize that, asshole.

Hannah comes out of the wine store, hops over the car.
Jacob can’t help but smile: wow, he’s REALLY into her.

JACOB
Gotta go. Grab a beer next week?

CAL
You’ve got my number.
(THEN)
Hey. Good for you, by the way.

JACOB
Thanks.

Cal HANGS up, LAUGHS to himself, and gets back to work.

87 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE – LATER THAT NIGHT 87

Tracy pulls up to her house. As she pulls in she notices
Robbie. He’s standing outside the front door in a
tuxedo… a shit-eating grin on his face.

She SIGHS (“what now?”) and parks the car.

88 INT. JESSICA’S BEDROOM 88

Meanwhile. Claire is putting away laundry. She throws
some underwear in Jessica’s bottom drawer.

Notices something. An envelope. It’s addressed to Cal
Weaver. Curiosity piqued, she picks it up. Looks
inside. Almost faints.

89 INT. CLAIRE AND BERNIE’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS ACTION 89

Big Bernie sits in a recliner, watching football and
drinking a cold one. Jessica lies on the floor, doing
homework.

Claire ENTERS, ashen. Zombie-like, she hands Bernie the
envelope. Jessica looks up, sees it.

JESSICA
No!!!!

She jumps, but it’s too late.

(CONTINUED)
98.
89 CONTINUED: 89
ON BERNIE

Staring at the picture. We don’t see it, but we get the
point: it’s a father’s worst nightmare.

Bernie, dazed, slides the pictures back into the
envelope. He looks at the envelope again.

ON ENVELOPE

Cal’s name. A heart.

BACK TO SCENE

JESSICA
Daddy?

Bernie puts a hand up. He can’t speak. He marches out
the door. From inside we hear a car SCREECH AWAY.

ON JESSICA

Realizing. She grabs a second set of keys.

90 EXT. JESSICA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS ACTION 90

Jessica runs into a second car. Races after her father.

91 EXT. WEAVER HOUSE 91

Meanwhile. Tracy approaches Robbie. Not only is he
wearing a tuxedo, he’s carrying a bunch of SCARVES.
Tracy LAUGHS.

TRACY
Baby! What are you wearing!?

ROBBIE
Dad’s here.

Tracy’s face drops.

ROBBIE
I have to blindfold you.

TRACY
(WEARY)
What is this? What is he doing?

(CONTINUED)
99.
91 CONTINUED: 91
ROBBIE
Relax, Mom. He’s your husband,
not Al Queda. You’ll make it out
alive.

She can’t help but smile. She kneels down, allowing
Robbie to BLINDFOLD HER from behind.

He ties a SCARF around her eyes. Then ANOTHER at a
different angle, double-knots it. Then ANOTHER!

ROBBIE
Okay, we’re good, let’s do this.

92 INT. BERNIE’S CAR 92

Meanwhile. There’s no expression on Bernie’s face. It’s
frightening. He looks down at passenger seat. At the
ENVELOPE bearing Cal’s address.

He RACES through a light. A HORN blares behind him.

93 INT. JESSICA’S CAR – CONTINUOUS ACTION 93

Jessica is the one BLARING THE HORN, crying and panicked.

She too RACES through the same light.

94 EXT. WEAVER BACKYARD 94

Robbie leads a blindfolded Tracy into the backyard. She
looks like a zombie with all the scarves over her face.
We see what she is not yet privy to.

ON THE BACKYARD

Cal’s Shangri-La has been transformed: the yard holds a
FULL-BLOWN MINIATURE GOLF HOLE, windmill and all.

Cal stands behind it all, in a tux.

CAL
Hi, T.

TRACY
Can I take these off, please?

CAL
Almost. Kids?

(CONTINUED)
100.
94 CONTINUED: 94
Robbie CUES music (which will play throughout this
scene). Molly, in a PARTY DRESS, carries a glass of
champagne to Tracy and puts it in her hand.

CAL
(LAUNCHING IN)
Twenty-five years ago, Cal Weaver
saw Tracy Boyle for the first
time, walking the halls of
Woodside Middle School —

TRACY
Cal: are you seriously doing this
in front of the kids?

ROBBIE
(QUICKLY)
If it goes bad I’m supposed to
take Molly upstairs and put the TV
on loud.

Tracy SIGHS, giving up.

TRACY
Well, might as well wait for your
daughter.

CAL
She’s right next to you, T.

TRACY
No, your other daughter.

Huh? Just then:

VOICE (O.S.)
Hello?

From inside the house steps out…

HANNAH.

CAL
Nanna!

HANNAH
Hi, Daddy.

WTF! And right behind her… JACOB. Holding a bottle of
wine and smiling like an idiot. Everyone freezes.

JACOB
Cal?

(CONTINUED)
101.
94 CONTINUED: (2) 94
CAL
What the hell are you doing here?

JACOB
What the hell are you doing here?

HANNAH
Wait, you two know each other?

TRACY
(STILL BLIND)
Hi, Nanna.

CAL
Wait, what’s going on?

ROBBIE
Hey, Nanna.

HANNAH
Hey, Robbie.

MOLLY
Hey, Nanna.

HANNAH
Hey, cutie.

JACOB
WHAT THE HELL IS A NANNA!?

HANNAH
It’s me, I couldn’t pronounce
Hannah when I was little — wait,
so how do you know my dad?

JACOB
(REALIZING)
Oh, God.

CAL
(FREAKING)
I’M NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT’S GOING
ON HERE!

HANNAH
Dad, this is my boyfriend, Jacob.

CAL
No. No. No. No.

(CONTINUED)
102.
94 CONTINUED: (3) 94
TRACY
I want to see the boyfriend!
(STRUGGLING WITH
SCARVES)
Can someone please take this off?

JACOB
HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A 24-YEAR-
OLD DAUGHTER!?

CAL
I WAS SEVENTEEN! SHE WAS OUR
SENIOR YEAR HICCUP! IT’S WHY WE
GOT MARRIED SO YOUNG!

JACOB
WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT?

CAL
YOU NEVER LET ME TALK ABOUT MY
CHILDREN!

HANNAH
So you two, like, really know each
other?

CAL
No way — you and her… no way.
End it, now.

HANNAH
Daddy!!!

JACOB
Well, that’s not going to happen.
CAL
Well, then I’m going to murder
you.

HANNAH
DAD!

TRACY
(down to two scarves)
Will someone please take this
goddamn thing off me!

CAL
Robbie, take the goddamn thing off
your mother!
(then, looking up)
Bernie?

(CONTINUED)
103.
94 CONTINUED: (4) 94
SLAM! A body flies into Cal and knocks him OUT OF FRAME.
It’s Bernie! Behind him…

JESSICA runs after her father, SCREAMING:

JESSICA
Daddy, no!

ROBBIE
Is that Jessica?

BAM! Bernie lands a solid right into Cal’s jaw.

HANNAH
Daddy!

JESSICA
Daddy!

TRACY
(YANKING ON
BLINDFOLD)
What’s happening?

Bernie is pummeling Cal.

BERNIE
I LET HER BABY-SIT FOR YOU, YOU
SICK SON OF A BITCH! SHE’S
SEVENTEEN!

Jacob dives in. Tries to pull Bernie off. Bernie NAILS
Jacob with an UPPERCUT!

HANNAH
Jacob!

CAL
(GETTING PUMMELLED)
Bernie, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE
TALKING ABOUT!

Bernie picks up a WINDMILL from the miniature GOLF
COURSE, readies to bash it over Cal’s head. Jessica
throws herself on Cal.

JESSICA
Daddy, stop!

This breaks Bernie’s trance. He hesitates.

JESSICA
He didn’t do anything. He doesn’t
even know.

(CONTINUED)
104.
94 CONTINUED: (5) 94
ROBBIE
Know what?

CAL
Know what?

TRACY
(STILL BLINDFOLDED)
Robbie, please get this off me!

ROBBIE
(struggling with it)
I’m TRYING!

JESSICA
He doesn’t even know that I’m in
love with him!

Robbie stops, turns.

ROBBIE
With who?

JESSICA
(pointing at Cal)
With him.

CAL
Are you pointing at me?

ROBBIE
Are you pointing at him?

TRACY
Who is she pointing at!?

ROBBIE
(PROCESSING)
Wait: my dad is the older guy
you’ve been seeing?

BERNIE
I knew it.

He gets ready to pummel some more. Jessica grabs him.

JESSICA
(TO BERNIE)
He doesn’t even know about the
dirty pictures I made for him.

ROBBIE
You made him dirty pictures? Oh
God.

(CONTINUED)
105.
94 CONTINUED: (6) 94
Robbie looks to Cal. He’s angry, jealous, and broken-
hearted all at once.

ROBBIE
(TO CAL)
You’re the one? You’re the one
she…
(then, furious)
You stole my soulmate.

CAL
Wait: Jessica is your soulmate?

VOICE (O.S.)
I’m sorry, is Tracy home?

Everyone turns: DAVID JACOBOWITZ stands in the doorway.
He’s holding up a SWEATER in his right hand.

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
You left your sweater in my car
the other night.

HANNAH
Who are you?

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
David Jacobowitz.

JACOB
David Jacobowitz!

CAL
David Jacobowitz!?

DAVID JACOBOWITZ
Is this a bad time —

WHACK!!! Jacob LEVELS David Jacobowitz with a right
hook.

HANNAH
Jacob!

JACOB
You know how much misery you’ve
put this poor bastard through!?

Before Jacob can finish, Cal LEVELS Jacob.

CAL
Stay the hell away from my
daughter.

(CONTINUED)
106.
94 CONTINUED: (7) 94
Jacob JUMPS on Cal. David jumps on Jacob. Bernie tries
to pull them apart.

Jessica finally gets the blindfold off Tracy. The women
and children watch the battle in horror.

CUT TO:

95 INT. WEAVER BACKYARD – LATER 95

Cal, Jacob, Bernie, and David Jacobowitz sit side-by-side
on the miniature golf hole, bloodied but still.

REVEAL: TWO POLICE OFFICERS standing in the center of
the yard. One of them finishes writing in a pad.

POLICE OFFICER #1
Well, okay. That should about do
it.
(to his partner)
What do you think?

The other cop SHRUGS. The first cop, thinks, then:

POLICE OFFICER #1
Look, I’m just gonna write
domestic disturbance reported but
all clear, okay? `Cause honestly,
I don’t even know what to put down
here.

TRACY
Thank you, Officer.

He nods, walks to the door. Stops there.

POLICE OFFICER #1
Just… simmer down, okay? We all
have arguments, but if you’re
gonna fight — just do it inside.
Keep it in the family, okay?

Jacob SNARFS down a laugh. Cal glares at him.

CAL
I’ll kill you.

The cops look at Cal, at each other, SHRUG, and EXIT.

(CONTINUED)
107.
95 CONTINUED: 95
ON THE YARD

Awkward silence. Our whole cast is there: disheveled
and bloodied. The place looks like a hurricane has hit.
A miniature golf hole torn to shreds.

Bernie turns to Jessica.

BERNIE
Let’s go. Now.

She NODS. Looks back at Cal.

JESSICA
I’m so sorry —

BERNIE
NOW!

And that’s that. Robbie runs to the driveway, looks:

96 IN THE STREET 96

as Jessica runs after her father, trying to apologize.
But he won’t even look at her. They get in their
respective cars, drive off.

97 BACK INSIDE 97

Jacob approaches Cal.

CAL
Don’t.
JACOB
CAL —

Cal turns to Hannah.

CAL
This man is a lowlife and a
WOMANIZER —

TRACY
(under her breath)
Oh, that’s ironic.

Cal whips around.

CAL
I’m sorry, what?

Tracy doesn’t push it. Cal turns back to Hannah.
(CONTINUED)
108.
97 CONTINUED: 97
CAL
You may not be able to see it, but
I have. Over and over again. You
are not to see him any more.

HANNAH
Dad, c’mon, I’m not going to stop
seeing him.

Cal turns away.

CAL
Well then I don’t have anything
else to say to you.

HANNAH
DAD —

CAL
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!

ON HANNAH

shocked.

BACK TO SCENE

TRACY
Cal, stop being unreasona–

CAL
I said: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY
HOUSE!

TRACY
IT’S NOT YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE, CAL!

CAL
AND YOU MADE DAMN SURE OF THAT
DIDN’T YOU, SWEETHEART!?

This time it’s Tracy whose face registers shock. Hannah
takes Jacob’s hand, pulls him away.

JACOB
(one last try)
Cal, c’mon —

But Cal won’t even look at him.

MOLLY
(CALLING OUT)
Goodbye, Nanna.
(CONTINUED)
109.
97 CONTINUED: (2) 97
HANNAH
(THROUGH TEARS)
Goodbye, cutie.

They EXIT. Cal lets them go, then grabs his things.

CAL
She’s all yours, David.

Ouch.

TRACY
(WOUNDED)
Nice.

Before he goes, Cal stops in front of Robbie.

CAL
Go big or go home, right, buddy?

Robbie looks up at him, cold.

ROBBIE
Go home, Dad.

Cal NODS, EXITS.

98 INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS – THE NEXT MONTH 98

CUE: John Mayer’s “Who Says.”

1) ROBBIE, at school. His spirit is crushed. He looks
at his CONTACT LIST, thinks, and DELETES JESSICA.

99 JESSICA 99
2) at home, grounded and sad.

100 JACOB 100

3) trying to get HANNAH to make a phone call to her
father… she won’t.

101 TRACY 101

4) at her office, finally taking down the picture of her
and Cal. And speaking of Cal…
110.

102 INT. BAR – AFTERNOON (THREE WEEKS LATER) 102

Cal sits back at his usual table. This isn’t “Cool Cal,”
the Jacob disciple. No, this is “Sad Mess Cal.” He’s
grown a patchy beard. He’s wearing a ratty sweatsuit.

He’s drinking, once again, vodka-cranberry out of a wimpy
red straw. It’s pathetic. A WAITRESS APPROACHES.

WAITRESS
Can I get you another?

CAL
What time is it?

WAITRESS
2:30. In the afternoon.

CAL
2:30 would have been sufficient
but I appreciate the judgment,
Cocktail Waitress.
(THEN)
Yes, another drink would be grand.

She EXITS.

Cal feels bad for that one. As she re-approaches:

CAL
That was uncalled for. Sorry for
being a dick.

JACOB (O.S.)
Ah, it’s okay, I deserved it.

ON JACOB

Standing there. As always, he looks perfectly put
together. He takes in Cal.

JACOB
It’s a nice sweatsuit, Cal.

CAL
What do you want?

JACOB
Can I sit?

CAL
I don’t know, can you?

(CONTINUED)
111.
102 CONTINUED: 102
JACOB
Okay, are we going to be mature
about this, or act like children?

CAL
(MIMICKING)
`Are we going to be mature or act
like children?’

JACOB
Okay, so like children then. Move
over.

Jacob SLIDES in.

JACOB
I’d like to talk.

CAL
You still seeing my daughter?

JACOB
Yes.

CAL
Then I have nothing to say to you.

JACOB
Cal.
(THEN)
Cal, look at me.

Cal looks. Jacob still has that power over him.

JACOB
You been hanging out here a lot?

CAL
Sometimes.

JACOB
Must be missing a lot of work.

CAL
I have a lot of vacation days.

JACOB
Some vacation.

CAL
I hate the beach… you’ve got a
lot of nerve coming here —

Just then, the WAITRESS re-approaches. Delivers Cal’s
drink. They wait her out. She EXITS.
(CONTINUED)
112.
102 CONTINUED: (2) 102
JACOB
You want a sip?

CAL
No, she probably spit in it.

Jacob NODS as Cal pushes the drink away.

JACOB
Your kids miss you.

CAL
You’re hanging out with my kids,
fantastic! You can teach Robbie
how to objectify women, he’ll love
that.

JACOB
His eighth grade graduation is
next week. You coming?

CAL
Of course I’m coming.

JACOB
Well you haven’t exactly been
around for him, Cal.

CAL
He’s not my biggest fan right now.

JACOB
Oh, that’s a good excuse —

CAL
Alright, man-whore, if your
lecture on parental responsibility
is almost done —

JACOB
I love her, Cal.

Cal looks up.

JACOB
I’ve never been in love before.
Honestly, I’ve never even been in
`like’ before.
(THEN)
I never got it. I saw people in
love — I saw weakness. I heard
them say the things they said, and
do the things they do, it all just
seemed so… so pathetic.
(THEN)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
113.
102 CONTINUED: (3) 102
JACOB (CONT’D)
She’s my perfect combination of
everything, Cal.

Cal looks up at Jacob. He smiles, gently.

CAL
I know you. I know what you are.
You are not good enough for my
daughter. And you will never have
my permission nor my approval.

Jacob stands.

JACOB
I’ll see you at graduation.

He EXITS. Once more, Cal is alone. Just as he wants it.

103 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY – ONE WEEK LATER 103

A small MIDDLE-SCHOOL AMPHITHEATER. About 150 people
fill the crowd of an intimate middle school graduation.

Tracy, Molly, and Hannah sit in the front row. Jessica
sits with her family a few rows away. All look nice.

MANY ROWS BACK —

Sits Cal, sandwiched between RANDOM SPECTATORS. Cal is
now shaven and well-dressed but he looks miserable.

His eyes brighten for a moment as he notices…

AN EMPTY SEAT between Tracy and Hannah. He leans
forward, are they saving it for him? But just then…
Jacob arrives. Kisses Hannah and takes “Cal’s” seat.
Cal looks nauseous.

ON STAGE

We WATCH the ceremony for a moment. The PRINCIPAL labors
through her introduction…

VOICE (V.O.)
… and now, to introduce the
first student speaker: our very
own English teacher Kate Thompson!

Cal’s former conquest steps onto stage.

(CONTINUED)
114.
103 CONTINUED: 103
AHEAD OF CAL

Tracy looks away, clearly uncomfortable at the teacher’s
presence. She accidentally catches Cal’s eye. Awkward.

KATE
Our next speaker is not only the
class salutatorian, but he’s also
one of the most…
(SEARCHING)
Spirited… young men, I’ve ever
had the pleasure of teaching.
Ladies and gentlemen: Robbie
Weaver.

Robbie takes the stage to APPLAUSE. This is not the same
kid we’ve come to love. There’s something different in
his face. He’s been broken. He spots JESSICA.

ROBBIE
(a bit monotone)
Thank you, Mrs. Thompson.
Welcome, Class of 2011.
(A BEAT)
I wasn’t really sure what I wanted
to talk about today. Mrs.
Thompson said it might be good to
talk about growing up and getting
older and stuff. So I guess I’ll
talk about that.

Cal watches, concerned. Where’s his son?

ROBBIE
I grew up a lot this year, I
think. I used to think that
growing up meant really growing.
Like getting taller and bigger.
But now I think that growing up
just makes you smaller. Your
dreams get smaller, and what you
want gets smaller…
(beat, then)
I grew an inch and a half this
year, but I feel a lot smaller.

Cal sits forward, getting increasingly concerned.

ROBBIE
I was in love. And I know that
makes parents laugh because I’m
only thirteen but whatever, I was.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
115.
103 CONTINUED: (2) 103
ROBBIE (CONT’D)
I believed that there was one true
love for everyone, and if you
fought for that person, your one
true love would always work out.
But that’s not how it works. It
sounded good when I was younger,
but… it’s just not how it works.
There’s no such thing as one true
love for everyo–

CAL (O.S.)
Stop!

Robbie turns. Cal is STANDING in the middle of the
crowd. Everyone turns to look at him.

ROBBIE
Dad?

CAL
Hi.
(awkward, to crowd)
Hi, everyone.

Silence. No one knows what to do. Cal is suddenly
really uncomfortable.

CAL
May I have a word with my son?
It’ll just take a second.

Cal tries to extricate himself from his row. He steps
over people, squeezes by people, almost trips.

Finally clear, he gathers himself, and tries to keep his
dignity as he marches down the aisle — past his family.

Robbie comes to the front of the stage, bends down.

ROBBIE
(HEATED WHISPER)
What are you doing?

CAL
I don’t know. What are you doing?

Robbie’s eyes well up with tears.

ROBBIE
I was wrong, Dad. There’s no such
thing as —

Cal turns toward the crowd, announces:

(CONTINUED)
116.
103 CONTINUED: (3) 103
CAL
My son’s graduation speech sucks.

GASPS from the crowd.

ON CAL

Now standing, alone, front and center in front of an
entire eighth grade graduation ceremony.

He looks behind him at the panel of TEACHERS. MRS.
THOMPSON discreetly gives Cal the finger.

CAL
In fairness, I don’t know where he
was going but I think we can all
agree it was heading in a pretty
depressing direction. And I
basically wrote it for him. I
mean, I didn’t literally write it
but I sure as hell influenced it,
and the kid’s already a spitting
image of his mother and I’ll be
damned if this is what he’s going
to get from me.

People squirm, uncomfortable. This is a train wreck.

CAL
My son — not him, my actual son —
he believes in grand romantic
gestures. He believes that people
have soulmates. And we always
want to tell our thirteen-year-
olds that they’re wrong, that `one
day you’ll understand, young man.’
But maybe it should be the other
way around.

He looks at Tracy, out in the crowd.

CAL
I met my soulmate when I was
fifteen years old. Our first
date, we went for ice cream.
After, my dad started teasing me
about my `first date’ the way dads
do. And I told him: `stop making
a big deal, Dad. I’m going to go
on lots of dates with plenty of
girls.’ That was the first time I
ever lied to my father.
(THEN)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
117.
103 CONTINUED: (4) 103
CAL (CONT’D)
I met my soulmate when I was
fifteen years old. And I have
loved her with everything I have
for every minute, of every day,
ever since she let me buy her that
first mint chip ice cream. I have
loved her through the birth of our
three perfect children, and I have
loved her even as I’ve hated her —
only married couples can truly
understand that one. And I don’t
know what will wind up happening
with us — I don’t, Robbie, I’m
sorry I can’t give you that — but
I promise you this: I will never
stop trying. When you find `the
one’ you never give up trying…
and I love you, my amazing boy,
for reminding me of that.

Robbie hugs his father as the crowd reacts. Cal kisses
his son on the head, then motions towards the microphone.

Robbie grabs it with newfound gusto and announces:

ROBBIE
I still love you, Jessica! I’ve
loved you since the first time you
changed my sister’s diaper! I’ve
loved you since…

The crowd reacts (LAUGHS, CHEERS, etc.) as Robbie
continues. Cal stands back and smiles. His boy is back.

104 EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY – LATER 104
The ceremony is over. Robbie heads over to his family.
They hug him, kiss him. Cal approaches Hannah and Jacob.

CAL
Hi, Nanna.

HANNAH
Daddy.

He smiles at her, adoring.

CAL
My perfect girl.

He kisses her forehead, turns to Jacob.

(CONTINUED)
118.
104 CONTINUED: 104
CAL
I already ordered a gun. I’m not
kidding. I ordered a Colt .45 on
a shady internet site, I can show
you the receipt. If you hurt her,
I am prepared to shoot you in the
face.

JACOB
Cal, I’m not going to —

CAL
Shut up, Jacob.

Jacob shuts up.

CAL
Wow. I like that.

Jacob smiles, shakes hands with Cal. Cal notices:

CAL
Is that a new shirt?

JACOB
Hannah took me to the Gap. It’s
actually not as bad as I thought.

CAL
Seriously?

JACOB
Of course not, Cal. It’s the Gap.
I got this at Nordstrom’s.

And like that… order is restored in the universe.

OVER TO ROBBIE

Who approaches Jessica.

ROBBIE
It was nice of you to come.

JESSICA
I wouldn’t have missed it.

Awkward.

ROBBIE
So, how are things with your dad?

(CONTINUED)
119.
104 CONTINUED: (2) 104
JESSICA
Strained. I took a summer
internship up at Stanford, gonna
head up there early. Figure it
can’t hurt to get out of his line
of sight for a while.

ROBBIE
Yeah, probably a good idea.
(THEN)
You were a good baby-sitter,
Jessica. I’m sorry if I made you
uncomfortable.

He holds out his hand, to shake, formally.

JESSICA
Wait: I thought you weren’t
giving up.

ROBBIE
I’m not. But I figure: you like
my dad, and one day I’ll look like
my dad, so I’ll just come for you
then.

Jessica smiles.

JESSICA
It’s a good plan.

She looks over her shoulder, reaches into her purse.

JESSICA
Until then: a little graduation
gift. To help get you through
high school.

She hands him something in an ENVELOPE: the same type of
envelope she once used for…

Robbie peeks inside. His eyes BUG OUT. Jessica kisses
him, sweetly, on the cheek.

JESSICA
You take care, Robbie.

Robbie watches her go. Love-struck once more. Cal steps
up next to his son.

CAL
You okay, buddy?

(CONTINUED)
120.
104 CONTINUED: (3) 104
ROBBIE
(RE: ENVELOPE)
I am now, Dad. I am now.

Robbie runs off to join his friends. Cal smiles.

TRACY (O.S.)
I’m terrified of what’s going to
become of him once he hits
puberty.

Cal turns, Tracy has been watching.

CAL
We might have to lock him up.

Tracy smiles. Cal walks over toward her.

TRACY
You gave a good eighth grade
graduation speech.

CAL
I’ve been working on it for thirty
years, so…

She LAUGHS, then… quiet.

TRACY
Do you think we can ever come back
from all this, Cal?

CAL
I don’t know. I’d like to try
though. I know I’d like to try.

She nods, thinking.

TRACY
Things are just so messed up. And
it’s been such a strange year.
I’ve been in such a strange place.
And we have all these problems, so
many problems I’ve lost count, but
at the end of the day, I mean, the
only thing I know —

She stops herself, emotional. Then, simply:

TRACY
I am just so glad you took me for
that ice cream.

Cal smiles. They share the moment in silence. And then:

(CONTINUED)
121.
104 CONTINUED: (4) 104
TRACY
It was rocky road by the way.

CAL
No!

As they JOKE and ARGUE about what flavor the ice cream
was, we PULL BACK.

Off to the side, Robbie steps away from his friends and
watches them enjoy one another’s company.

He smiles.

FADE OUT.

THE END

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