ボーイズ・オン・ザ・サイド(1995年)

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[amazonjs asin=”B00005HKX0″ locale=”JP” title=”ボーイズ・オン・ザ・サイド DVD”] Boys on the Side

SCENE 1

JANE
Thank you. I’m Jane DeLuca, this is Johnny Figgis,
and our band.

MAN
I’m going to take a leak, Babe.

WOMAN
Bye.

JANE
Did you see that bitch, man?

JOHNNY
Fuck her.

JANE
I’m going to fuck her!

JOHNNY
Wait! J…J…Jane!

JANE
Girl, that man is so fine!

WOMAN
Yeah, actually he is.

JANE
Is this your first date?

WOMAN
Mm hm. Listen, do you need to clear something? Go
ahead and take everything, just leave us the glasses.

JANE
No, I was the singer up there. You didn’t see me? I
was like signaling and going like this to you.

WOMAN
What are you talking about?

JANE
You don’t know? Oh Baby! You had the biggest,
greenest thing hanging out of your nose, so I kept
going like this.

WOMAN
Oh my God. You could see it from up there?

JANE
Baby, it looked like Gumby doing Tarzan. It was huge!

WOMAN
Oh my God! All right.

JANE
You know.

SCENE 2

MAN
You blew my rent, man! I had an important A &R guy
coming down and you fucked me! You know what? You’re
outta here! You’re canceled! Forget it!

JOHNNY
No, you can’t…Hey, wait!

MAN
Wait for what? Till you learn to sing?

JANE
What’s up with him? What did he want?

JOHNNY
You wanna know what’s up with him? That son-of-a-
bitch just fucked us!

SCENE 3

JANE
You know, this town is dead for me anyway. We got
that gig in L.A., we’ll just leave a little early.

JOHNNY
Yeah, well maybe this is trying to telling us
something. You know what I’m saying?

JANE
Yeah, it’s telling us we’re fucking fired! That’s
what it’s telling us.

JOHNNY
Well, no, not just this. I mean, maybe L.A. isn’t the
answer to our problems.

JANE
Well, what does that mean?

JOHNNY
Well, Tommy hooked me up with some studio work in the
city. It’s good money. It’s in the city. And I’ve
got to think of Debbie here, you know?

JANE
Oh, Debbie? Isn’t that the little girl in Queens who
sets her hair everyday, this is suddenly a factor?

TAXI
Yo! Get the fuck outta the way!

JANE
You get the fuck out of my way! Do you understand?
Go back to Pakistan!

JOHNNY
Look, I’ve gotta be realistic here, all right? I’ve
got to look ahead. I mean, how long have you’ve been
doing this shit? What, for seventeen years? Look…

JANE
Look, what? Look, what?!

JOHNNY
I don’t want that to happen to me, okay?

JANE
You should be so lucky!

JOHNNY
Hey, I got priorities here, you know!

JANE
You know, she’s holding you back, man. Everybody says
it. She’s like Yoko with bangs!

JOHNNY
They don’t say that she’s holding me back, okay?
Look. All I’m saying is, don’t go to L.A. All right?
I mean, even if you don’t got shit going on here, you
still got all that voice-over stuff…

JANE
Let me tell you something, man. You stay here. You
stay here and you play daddy, okay? I’m gone.

JOHNNY
Jane!

SCENE 4 Jane is packing her things, finds an
advertisement in the newspaper asking for a driver to
drive to the west coast.

SCENE 5

JANE
That was in ’78. I was supposed to be the new Aretha,
but the old Aretha was the new Aretha and I was
neither one, so I was something that no one had ever
seen before.

ROBIN
Sure.
JANE
So I’m gettin’ the fuck out! (To waitress): Could I
get some french fries, please?

WAITRESS
Coming right up.

JANE
You know, head down to L.A., get some gigs going, get
the heat happening.

ROBIN
Well, great. That’s perfect because I can drop you
there, and then head on to San Diego on my own.

JANE
Great.

ROBIN
You know, I used to sing, too.

JANE
Oh really?

ROBIN
Mm hm. Nothing professional. Mostly amateur talent
competitions.

JANE
Oh, “Star Search” or something?

ROBIN
Sort of. Only I never made it that far. I played the
piano and sang.

JANE
What did you sing?

ROBIN
“Way Over Yonder.” Carole King. “Close to You.” The
Carpenters. It was the seventies.

JANE
“Close to You”?

ROBIN
You know, why do birds suddenly appear every time you
appear, “Just like me, they long to be…”

JANE
Yeah, I know. I know. Why San Diego?

ROBIN
Well, why not? You know. I’m in real estate, and
right now the market is just unbelievably bad. And I
think sometimes you have to make a change. You have
to take control and say: “Things are going to be
different. I can make them different if I believe in
them in my heart.”

JANE
Hey, fuck “Star Search.” You should have been Miss
America.

SCENE 6

ROBIN
Um, I hope you don’t mind my mentioning this: no
smoking in the car.

JANE
What do you mean, no smoking?

ROBIN
No smoking in the car.

JANE
Whatsoever?

ROBIN
I’m going uptown. Can I give you a lift? Yoo hoo!
Taxi!

JANE
No, I have a car. One in which I smoke…

ROBIN
So what do you think? I think it could work.

JANE
I’ll let you know in a couple of days, okay?
ROBIN
Because I really need to leave, as soon as possible,
and I just don’t want to it alone. I don’t think that
would be safe. And you’re the first person that
answered the ad. I think that’s a sign of something.
I think you’d be fine. I mean, I think our
personalities would mesh.

JANE
Look, Robin, right? You’re a nice lady and I’m sure
there’s a lot of things about yourself that you just
can’t help and I understand that. But I don’t fuckin’
think we mesh at all. And I’m sure there’s somebody
out there who wants to go cross country with the
whitest woman on the face of the earth, singing
Carpenter songs and reliving childhood memories. But
it ain’t me. (To tow truck driver): Hey! That’s my
car, man! Hey! That’s my car! Hey! That’s my car!

ROBIN
That’s gonna cost at least $200 to get your car back.

SCENE 7

MAN
Okay, Jane. Good luck in L.A., man. Earthquakes,
fires, riots…they got some real crazy bastards out
there in California. I don’t know why you want to go
out there anyway. (To other mover): Hey, easy with
that piano!

SCENE 8 Robin is packing, putting notes on
everything.

SCENE 9 Jane is packing her tapes.

SCENE 10 Robin lies awake in bed.

SCENE 11

ROBIN
Good morning!

SCENE 12

JANE
Listen, I’ve got a friend in Pittsburgh. Do you mind
if we stop, pick her up and take her out for lunch?

ROBIN
No, absolutely. No problem. Deal. (Takes picture):
Smile! (Remembers childhood memory): My brother
threw up, right here, near Exit 7. I remember, we
pulled over.

JANE
How come he’s not making this trek with you down
memory lane? Or does he have a life?

ROBIN
He doesn’t, as a matter of fact. He died of cancer
when he was six.

JANE
Oh, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Man.

ROBIN
Would you mind if I used your headphones?

JANE
No, go ahead.

SCENE 13

ANSWER
MACHINE
“Hi, you’ve reached Nick and Holly, leave a
message…(Jane hangs up).

SCENE 14

WOMAN
There’s a sick lady in the bathroom. Is she with
somebody here?

WAITRESS
She’s outside.

WOMAN
Is that your friend in there in the bathroom?

JANE
Yeah.

WOMAN
Girl, you better get in there. She’s in there
throwin’ up.

JANE
Thanks.

SCENE 15

JANE
Hey, are you all right?

ROBIN
That stupid woman. I told her I was fine.

JANE
You look like shit.

ROBIN
Thank you. Allergies. I have allergies. They come
and they go. Some people think it’s all in my head.
Do you ever knock?

JANE
Not in a public toilet, no.

SCENE 16

JANE
I’m really sorry. It’s probably because I brought
your brother up.

ROBIN
Oh, no no. It’s not that. I’m fine. I’ll be fine if
we just keep moving. It’s not that…You smell like
an ashtray.

SCENE 17

JANE
(Talking on the phone): I’m just goin’ down to L.A.
to…(Robin knocks on the door): What?!

ROBIN
Are you getting HBO? Because we’re supposed to get
HBO and it’s not on mine.

JANE
I don’t know. I’m on the phone here.

ROBIN
Oh, I’m sorry.

JANE
No, come in and check. Come in. (Talking on the
phone): Yes, I’m on my way to L.A. and I thought I’d
stop by and see you…No, no, I said Tuesday or
Wednesday. Are you okay? No, it’s just…All right,
no, I’ll wait.

ROBIN
“The Way We Were” is on. Robert Redford. Barbara
Streisand. “The Way We Were.”

JANE
I don’t get out much.

ROBIN
It was twenty years ago. Oh great, you’ve got it. Do
you…do you mind?

JANE
No, please. Please. (Talking on the telephone): No,
I’m here. No, I figured we’d come by tomorrow around
noon. Are you okay? I mean, is it Nick? No, fine,
fine. All right. Yeah, no…I’ll see you then.
Good-bye.

ROBIN
Is that your friend in Pittsburgh?

JANE
Yeah. If she is still my friend.

ROBIN
That’s nice. I don’t really have any girlfriends. My
mom always felt, you know, you can’t trust women.

JANE
I don’t know about that.

ROBIN
Oh, come on. Men know all about PMS. Somebody
talked.

SCENE 18

ROBIN
Oh! That gets me the way she like brushes his hair
off his forehead. That really gets me.

JANE
So, which one of them were you? The one who loved too
much or the one who loved too little?

ROBIN
Neither. I’m the one who spent three years at Happy
Hour and never went home with anybody except the
bartender.

JANE
Well, the bartender is somebody.

ROBIN
Yeah. He was somebody, all right. I don’t know…I
don’t know about men. I just don’t get it.

JANE
Maybe you’re not into them.

ROBIN
You mean…eew…no.

JANE
Maybe you don’t know.

ROBIN
I think I scare them away because I know what I want.

JANE
Oh well, tell me. What do you want?

ROBIN
It’s not very liberated, I know…I want a husband
with a decent job, you know. And, I want two kids, a
boy and a girl, in that order, and a soap box colonial
with three bedrooms, a sun porch, a stairway with a
white banister, and a convertible den.

JANE
You could’ve been Donna Reed in another life.

ROBIN
Anyway, I didn’t get it.

JANE
That’s all right, there’s always time.

ROBIN
Yeah.

JANE
Is that why you left New York? Because that bartender
did you wrong.

ROBIN
Something like that…8:00 tomorrow, okay? If you
want to get to Pittsburgh by twelve. Goodnight.
JANE
Goodnight. Thanks for the movie.

SCENE 19

ROBIN
Well, I looked around, got into real estate. That’s
where the performing really paid off. Sizing up
situations, handling people, getting what you want
from them without them really knowing, you know.
Control.

JANE
Don’t worry, you don’t have to come in. Oh, I hate
this belt.

ROBIN
It’s for your own protection if something were to…

JANE
I know.

SCENE 20

JANE
(Knocking on the door): Hey Holly! Hey Holly! Hey!
Hey! Hey!

HOLLY
Jane!

JANE
Hey.

HOLLY
Hi.

JANE
Hi!

HOLLY
You look good.

JANE
Thanks! Thanks. You, too….What’s the matter?

NICK
Holly!

HOLLY
Look, something’s come up, Nick’s in a mood. Could we
do this another time?

JANE
Hey, we’re on the road here! Look, I’ll handle it.
I’ll fix it. Let me talk to him!

HOLLY
Jane!

JANE
Jesus Christ!

NICK
Holly!

HOLLY
He thinks he’s lost something.

JANE
I thought you said he was clean.

HOLLY
Well, he is. I mean, he has nine months in NA. He’s
just dealing. And, you know, he has a drink and he
gets confused.

NICK
Holly! If you cleaned this fuckin’ place up maybe I’d
be able to find my shit! (To Jane): What the fuck
are doing here?!

JANE
Hello Nick. I’m just passin’ through. We’ll catch
you later. (To Holly): C’mon.

NICK
You think you’re going somewhere?!

JANE
Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Don’t…be a prick.

NICK
Stick to what you know, Jane. That’s something about
you girls I could never figure out. What’s sex like
without a dick?

JANE
I don’t know, man. You tell me.

NICK
Fuck you!

JANE
You wish. (To Holly): Come on.

NICK
You ain’t goin’ nowhere!

JANE
Hey man!

NICK
This is bullshit!

ROBIN
All you all right?

JANE
Uh huh.

NICK
Who the fuck are you?!

ROBIN
Hi, how are you? (To Jane): Are we going?

JANE
Yes.

NICK
Nobody’s going anywhere until I get my coke! This
bitch! She stole it! She ain’t seein’ daylight until
she gives it up.

HOLLY
You don’t remember shit when you’re drinking, you
asshole! You stole it Tuesday night.

NICK
You remember the last time I called you a liar? Is
that the way you want me to play this?!

ROBIN
Guys! Guys! Guys! My hunch is, our two positions
might be a lot closer than we think. Who do you
believe he sold it to?

HOLLY
Frank. This guy uptown. A friend.

JANE
Hey, Nick!

ROBIN
Jane. Let me close this. Where’s his number?

HOLLY
It’s on the wall.

ROBIN
I’m Robin, by the way. You must be Holly.

HOLLY
Hi! It’s really nice to meet you.

ROBIN
Me, too.

HOLLY
Um, I really like your hair.

ROBIN
Oh, thanks. The beauty parlor really messed with it.
You know how they never understand. (Talking on the
telephone): Is Frank there? Yeah. (Hands the phone
to Nick).
NICK
Frank. You score any coke off me Tuesday night?
Yeah. How much? Mm hm. That’s what I thought!
Holly’s saying you did! All right, later…So I sold
it to him.

ROBIN
Okay, fine. Let’s go.

NICK
Where’s the fucking money?!

HOLLY
Oh man!

JANE
Give us a fuckin’ break.

ROBIN
Where’s the money?

HOLLY
He hides it. He always does. The same three or four
places and I’m not telling.

ROBIN
Tell me where.

HOLLY
I tell you to write it down but you never do, so
forget it.

NICK
You stole it. Jane, you know her. She’s a liar and a
thief. It’s not her fault. It’s her fucking nature!

JANE
Get the fuck away from me.

NICK
Fuck you, too, man! No fucking trust here! Get the
fuck up! That’s what fucking hurts! Ahh, Jesus
fucking…Ahh (Holly hits Nick over the head with a
baseball bat).

JANE
What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you crazy?!

HOLLY
Did I hurt him?

JANE
What do you mean “Did I hurt him?” You hit him with a
bat! I’m gonna call the cops, okay?

NICK
Oh fuck…

HOLLY
He’s alive.

JANE
Give me the bat! Give it to me right now!

NICK
I’m gonna kill you, Holly. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill
you…

JANE
No!

ROBIN
Time out! Nobody move. Jane, give me the bat,
please. Holly, don’t tease him. And Nick, you have
some real like ability issues. Now who has tape?

SCENE 21

JANE
I do not feel good about this.

ROBIN
Oh, what would you like to do? Call the police?
They’ll arrest them both. There’s drugs everywhere.

JANE
What are you doing?

HOLLY
Oh, nothing.

JANE
What are you doing?

HOLLY
Just the cash. I’m clean.

JANE
No. We’re not taking drug money on the road. Put it
back.

HOLLY
Well, it’s not like you can tell by looking at it.

JANE
Okay, you have a point. We’ll just take half. All
right? And, we are not taking drugs with us on the
road with us either, so give them here. Thank you.

HOLLY
You’re welcome.

ROBIN
Okay. We’ll take the gag off when we leave and there
will be four hours of loud music, after which point
you’ll will scream for help. Meanwhile, work on the
tape. Okay? Phone’s in the kitchen. Water.

JANE
Yeah.

ROBIN
Thanks, hon. Right here. Everyone go potty, we don’t
want to have to stop!

HOLLY
I went.

JANE
Look what she’s doing!

ROBIN
Don’t tease the animal! Come on. Go! Go! Go!

NICK
I’m gonna kill you Holly! I’m gonna kill you! Holly!

ROBIN
Let’s go! Don’t worry. I feel really firmly about
it. All right, buckle up!

JANE
Would you close the door!

SCENE 22

JANE
I am not going over a cliff for you two, so just
forget it.

SCENE 23 Nick frees himself from the tape.

SCENE 24

HOLLY
I’ve got some friends in St. Louis. You remember
Linda. I can stay with her. So, where are you guys
going?

ROBIN
Los Angeles, then San Diego.

JANE
Yeah, and you’re not coming.

HOLLY
Bummer.

JANE
Listen. Why did you stay with this guy so long?

HOLLY
A lot of that back there was drugs. You know, they
really fuck him up.

ROBIN
But he’s a really nice guy underneath?

HOLLY
Well, I wouldn’t go that far.

JANE
It’s the sex. Come on, let’s be frank, okay. He was
great in bed. Am I right?

HOLLY
Sometimes. I don’t know, I mean, I think that there’s
something beyond sex.

JANE
Yeah, me.

HOLLY
Well, I don’t know, but I certainly didn’t like his
attitude and I’m going to think long and hard before I
take him back.

JANE
You go, girl.

SCENE 25

ANSWER
MACHINE
“Hi, you’ve reached Nick and Holly. Leave a message
after the beep and we’ll get back to you.”

NICK
Oh, my fuckin’ head! (Nick falls down dead).

SCENE 26

HOLLY
Thank you, really? Oh my God, are you kidding? That
“Dance Fever” was my favorite. I thought Danny
Tarragon was the coolest guy I ever heard…

JANE
Would you look at her! It’s pathological, man.

ROBIN
She’s young.

JANE
I guess. How you doing?

ROBIN
I’m fine. A little tired.

JANE
You were great back there. You must have sold a ton
of condos.

ROBIN
It was kind of fun. Adrenaline.

JANE
You were very frightening. I was very proud of you.

HOLLY
Um, it was very nice meeting you.

SCENE 27

HOLLY
Yes! (To Jane): Is Robin asleep already?

JANE
Yeah, you know, she gets tired real easy.

HOLLY
You know, she doesn’t look so good.

JANE
She has all those allergies, man. You know, they come
and go. Did you call Linda yet?

HOLLY
Yeah, I was just thinking. You guys can just go ahead
and leave tomorrow and I’ll just grab a bus.

JANE
Well why? We’re going right through St. Louis. I
mean, it’s no big deal…Oh, you’re going back, aren’t
you?
HOLLY
Might as well.

JANE
What do you mean, “Might as well”? This is a guy who
kicks your ass all the time. This is not love, Honey.

HOLLY
Yeah, maybe you’re right.

JANE
Look. The man is going to kill you. We humiliated
him. We tied him up. Come on!

HOLLY
I mean, I can’t always do what you think I should do.
Like, we’ve been there, Jane.

JANE
Fine. I just don’t understand why you keep setting
yourself up to get hurt. That’s all.

HOLLY
You should talk.

JANE
What does that mean?

HOLLY
Look, you’ve guys have been really great and I really
like Robin, and I just hope you know that she’s not
gay.

JANE
Well, so what?

HOLLY
So, that’s what I meant by saying, “You should talk.”

SCENE 28

FRANK
Hey Nick. Nick? Oh shit!

SCENE 29

MAN
Passengers with tickets, please go directly to the
forwarding area. Those passengers still needing
tickets, please purchase them at the ticket window.
Please take all luggage to the baggage loading area.

ROBIN
Here we are. Okay. Take care of yourself.

HOLLY
You, too. Get some sunshine, okay?

ROBIN
Okay.

HOLLY
Promise?

ROBIN
Yeah.

HOLLY
Okay. Take care of yourself.

ROBIN
Okay.

HOLLY
Bye, Jane.

JANE
Bye.

HOLLY
She’ll get over it. See ya.

SCENE 30

WOMAN
Thank you.

ROBIN
It’s her life.

JANE
Yeah, but she gives us all a bad name with that “I’m
addicted to a bad guy” stuff.

ROBIN
Well…

WOMAN #2
Thank you. I hope that everything was satisfactory.

JANE
Um, actually, the green on number eight is a little
rough.

WOMAN #2
Oh really? Well, we’ll check it out as soon as we
can. Is there anything else?

SCENE 31

ROBIN
Jane!

JANE
What? What? Why are you screaming like that? What?!
(They see in the newspaper that Nick is dead). Oh
shit.

SCENE 32

ROBIN
Move closer! Just a little bit closer. Okay.

JANE
There she is.

ROBIN
Okay. Holly! Holly! HOLLY! HOLLY! Holly!
Nick…dead! No…Nick…dead! Sounds like “head!”
Oh, wait a minute. I have a good idea. (Writes the
French word for “dead” on the window).

JANE
What are you writing?

ROBIN
“Morre.”

JANE
She’s not going to know what…

ROBIN
It’s French for “dead!” I can’t write dead…!

HOLLY
Who’s Morty?

ROBIN
(Holds newspaper up to window) Dead! Get off the
bus!

SCENE 33

HOLLY
Oh, I can’t believe this. I mean, he was alive when
we left! I have a photo. Do you think it would help?
Poor Nick. He was such a nice guy, once in a while.

JANE
Stop with the “nice guy’ stuff. They have to believe
this was self-defense.

HOLLY
Who’s “they”?

JANE
What do you mean, “Who’s they?” The cops in
Pittsburgh.

HOLLY
Oh! You want me to go back there?
JANE
Yeah!

HOLLY
Now?

JANE
Yes!

HOLLY
I couldn’t.

JANE
Why not?

HOLLY
Memories.

JANE
What fuckin’ memories?

ROBIN
Why does she have to go back? Why don’t we just
pretend we never saw it?

JANE
Please tell me you’re kidding.

ROBIN
No. When we left, he was alive. How do we know that
what she did killed him?

HOLLY
Exactly! I mean, he could have tripped and hit his
head on the bat. It could happen.

JANE
No! You’re going back. This is not a game.

HOLLY
I can’t go to jail. Not with the baby.

ROBIN
What baby, Honey?

HOLLY
I’m eight weeks pregnant.

JANE
What? You were going to bring a baby into that house?

HOLLY
Oh, like what were my options?

JANE
How about abortion?

HOLLY
I couldn’t do that. I’d feel like a murderer.

JANE
Honey, you are a murderer!

HOLLY
Oh God. To think it’s possible that I killed my
baby’s daddy.

JANE
To think it’s possible? You hit him in the head with
a baseball bat–he’s dead!

HOLLY
No! To think it’s possible that Nick is the daddy?

SCENE 34

ROBIN
We never saw the newspaper. She hit him in self-
defense. She split. She’s never gonna see him again.
I’ll call my lawyer in New York. He’ll tell us what
to do. If we have to go back, we’ll say we came as
soon as we found out.

JANE
That’s fine with me. I suggest we keep driving. We
sleep in shifts. The farther away from that body I
get, the happier I’ll be.

SCENE 35

HOLLY
She wrote, “The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbater,”
here, try this it’s really good… “The Celebration of
my Uterus,” and…

ROBIN
Oh, no no, Holly. Stop the car! Stop it!

HOLLY
Oh fine! I’ll go get it. All right!

SCENE 36

HOLLY
See, Nick had this house with this drummer that Jane
knew. And we’d all hang out together. But then Nick
pissed some people off and we had to move to
Pittsburgh…Can I have a bite of that? Yeah,
well…it’s been a long couple of days.

ROBIN
Tell me about it.

HOLLY
Jane’s been so great to me. I mean, at first she just
liked me because of the whole “gay thing.”

ROBIN
Jane’s gay?

HOLLY
Like, hello! You didn’t know?

ROBIN
I don’t know, I just…Don’t look! It’s okay. It’s
okay.

HOLLY
Anyway, she just got dumped so you know, rebound time.

ROBIN
Oh.

HOLLY
I know, eew gross. But don’t worry. She won’t try
anything, especially not after me. I told her that is
was a real self-hating thing to get crushes on
straight girls.

ROBIN
But this person that dumped her, she’s gay, right?

HOLLY
Yeah, but I mean even with gay girls, there are no
guarantees. They’re very emotional. That’s about all
I know. They love uniforms, and don’t break their
hearts.

ROBIN
Uniforms?

HOLLY
Oh yeah, all kinds. Especially U.P.S.

WAITRESS
Will that be all?

ROBIN
Yeah.

WAITRESS
I’ll get the check.

ROBIN
Thanks.

HOLLY
Not that I’m an expert. I mean, she’s the only one
I’ve seen, except for the ones in the porno tapes Nick
used to rent…I’m sorry. It’s just every time I
think of his little ways…

SCENE 37 Jane, Robin and Holly are driving,
listening to music and singing.
SCENE 38

ROBIN
Try to look a little more western. That’s good.

JANE
Take the picture!

ROBIN
You sort of need to something.

JANE
Here.

ROBIN
That’s cute. (Robin has a childhood memory)

SCENE 39

JANE
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Who you calling? Who you
calling?

HOLLY
I was calling a friend.

JANE
Uh uh, no, you can’t call that friend, he’s dead. And
you’re not supposed to know he’s dead.

HOLLY
But…I want my friend. I want Nick!

SCENE 40

JANE
Hey, will you come talk to Holly, please.

ROBIN
Don’t come in!

JANE
What’s the matter?

SCENE 41

DOCTOR
Ms. DeLuca?

JANE
Yes.

DOCTOR
Susan Newbauer. She asked me to talk to you. It’s
pneumonia. We’ll have to keep her here for a couple
of days.

JANE
Can we see her?

DOCTOR
Tomorrow, after eleven. Just go on up to the eighth
floor. It’s typical in this kind of AIDS-related
pneumonia.

JANE
AIDS? You tellin’ me she’s got AIDS?

DOCTOR
Yes. I’m sorry, I thought you knew.

JANE
No, I didn’t.

DOCTOR
She’s okay. She’ll be out in less than a week.

SCENE 42

JANE
How ya doin’?

ROBIN
Okay. I’m sorry.
JANE
For what? It’s not like you knew this was going to
happen.

ROBIN
I thought…if I could just go somewhere else…I
could make it…not happen. I shouldn’t have lied to
you.

JANE
It wasn’t a lie, exactly. It was more like a sinful
omission. Can I sit down?

ROBIN
Sure.

JANE
So I guess now we’re even.

ROBIN
How so?

JANE
Well, Holly told me that you didn’t know I was gay. I
don’t want you to worry because…You know, I’m not
after you.

ROBIN
I’m not worried….Why?

JANE
Luck of the draw, I guess.

ROBIN
No, I mean, why aren’t you after me?

JANE
‘Cause you’re not my type.

ROBIN
Oh….Gee….Is this a black-white thing?

JANE
It’s more like, uh, blondes-Carpenter thing….You’re
safe with me. Um, is there somebody I should call or
something, like family?

ROBIN
Oh…my mother? We don’t communicate much. I mean,
we’re…What about you? You’ve got to get to L.A.
Would you get me some more ice?

JANE
Sure.

ROBIN
AHH!

JANE
What is it? Wait! Wait! Wait! WAIT! What is it?
Are you in pain?

ROBIN
No.

JANE
What is it?

ROBIN
I don’t know where to go. I don’t have any place to
go…I don’t know…anyplace…

JANE
Okay. Okay. Okay. Sometimes, if you don’t have any
place to go, it’s probably a good idea to stay where
you are. Okay? All right, here, um…put your arm
around me…Jesus, your weight….This might be the
wrong time to bring this up, but…where the fuck are
we? I mean, really. Where are we?

ROBIN
Tucson.

JANE
As in Arizona? Are you serious? Hey, you know what
this means? I’m gonna have to go out and get some
cowboy boots….What about a horse?

SCENE 43 Tucson. Three months later.

HOLLY
Okay, good. No, I’m just gonna go straight from work.
Yeah. Yeah! Okay.
ROBIN
I’m leaving now, Holly. So if you’re coming, get off
the phone.

HOLLY
I’m coming. Okay, I’ve got to go. Yeah, bye.

ROBIN
Will still have to pick up the cake.

HOLLY
Do you think she’s gonna be surprised?

ROBIN
That’s the idea. Hurry up!

HOLLY
Okay!

SCENE 44

ROBIN
So I’ll pick up the cake myself ‘cause I have to drop
by the hospital for a blood test.

HOLLY
Okay, but I told Abe to meet us there around ten…

ROBIN
What? Are you okay.

HOLLY
Kicking all morning long! Anyway, I told him to meet
us there at ten. I really think that you’re gonna
like him.

ROBIN
Listen. I like any man that dates a pregnant woman.
I wonder about him, but I like him.

SCENE 45

ANNA
Two hands. In this bar we wash the glasses with two
hands. That’s the difference between clean an
absolutely fucking disgusting.

ALEX
Watch your language, your bambinos are coming.

KIDS
Mom! Hi Mom!

ANNA
Get in the kitchen and stay there. She sees you two
and the cat is out of the bag.

ALEX
Oh God. Is there no mercy? I can’t believe it. A
body like that on a 12-year old.

SCENE 46

ANNA
That’s enough candles.

BOY
Oh come on. We all know she’s not twelve.

GIRL
It’s not polite.

HOLLY
Oh sorry, am I late? Great.

ALEX
Hey, ready?

SCENE 47 Everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to Jane in
Spanish.

SCENE 48

ROBIN
Can I have a light?

JANE
Give me that thing! You’re such a slut.

SCENE 49

ALEX
I don’t know. It’s like gay people are the only
people getting laid anymore.

JANE
Maybe you oughtta try it.

ALEX
I like being straight. And I think heterosexuality is
making a comeback.

JANE
Not if you have anything to do with it. Go dance.

ALEX
Excuse me….Say, Robin?

ROBIN
Yeah?

ALEX
Would you like to dance?

ROBIN
Yeah….Oh, Jesus.

ALEX
My dream evening. Lesbians and cops. What’s next,
Republicans?

ROBIN
(Whispers to Jane): Cop. Cop. Cop.

ABE
Evening, ladies. Sir. I’m looking for a Holly
Pulchik.

ROBIN
Uh…

JANE
Who?

ABE
Holly Pulchik. Blonde hair, green eyes, about five-
four.

ROBIN
She’s…

HOLLY
Hey! You made it!

ABE
There she is.

HOLLY
I was afraid some crime would keep you away.

ABE
No, it couldn’t. It happens to be a slow night.
Fridays…and when Friday’s the first and when they
get their checks, we have to be ready…

JANE
It’s time to go. Good night everyone, we’re going to
clean up. Excuse me, nice to meet you Mr. Lincoln.

ABE
No, please. Call me Abe.

JANE
Abe? As in Abe Lincoln? What is this, some kind of
joke?

HOLLY
No, it’s his name. Isn’t that a coincidence? Just
like the president. I mean, like, I wonder why his
parents thought that Abraham and Lincoln sounded good
together.

ABE
Now, let me guess. You must be Robin. Nice to meet
you Robin. And this is Jane.

JANE
Oh.

ABE
Hi, Jane. Happy birthday.

JANE
Oh, thank you. Peppers.

ABE
Yes, they’re from my garden.

HOLLY
Oh, isn’t he sweet?

ABE
Now, now, Babe. Not while I’m still in uniform.

HOLLY
Isn’t that cute? He takes it so serious.

JANE
Aw…

HOLLY
Come on, Honey. Let’s go get a drink.

JANE
Is it me, or is she workin’ her way down some weird
list of guys who call women Babe?

ROBIN
I hope she keeps her mouth shut.

JANE
Right!

SCENE 50

ROBIN
Where are you and Anna going again?

JANE
Oh, she’s taking me to see some damn psychic.

ROBIN
Oh.

JANE
Here’s your ride.

ALEX
Robin. Uh, do you need a ride home?

ROBIN
Oh, I have a car.

JANE
Oh no, didn’t I tell you? Holly came up to me and
sighed and said that she needed the car.

ROBIN
Oh.

ALEX
It’s on my way.

JANE
Yeah.

ROBIN
Thanks.

JANE
Oh, could you take these for me? Thanks.

ANNA
Jane! (Speaks Spanish) I don’t want to be late for
this woman. She scares the shit out of me.

JANE
Okay. Let’s go.

ANNA
She is really good. You have to prepared when you get
there.

SCENE 51

PSYCHIC
Here we go. There’s a long trip here. Traveling.
This is nice, you’re in love. This is very nice.
And…oh…oh…

JANE
What?

PSYCHIC
This is a friend. I feel…this is not good at all.
There’s a sickness here…There’s a curse…Yes? Yes.
This is a curse. I can feel it.

ANNA
Can you do anything to remove the curse?

JANE
Anna!

ANNA
No, she can do that! Last year I…

JANE
Anna, sit down.

PSYCHIC
Let me talk to my guides.

JANE
You’re gonna talk to these rocks? Are you talking to
these rocks and they’re gonna say something to you?

PSYCHIC
I’d cross your legs here.

SCENE 52

ROBIN
You want some?

JANE
Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks.

ROBIN
How was the psychic?

JANE
Don’t ask. How was Alex? Did he leave fingerprints
all over you?

ROBIN
What is it with me and bartenders?

JANE
I don’t know.

ROBIN
He’s coming with us Saturday night. To the street
fair.

JANE
Well, good. There’s safety in numbers. Just don’t
let him get you by yourself….I cannot believe he’s a
cop.

ROBIN
He’s cute though, huh?

JANE
Yeah, for a cop.

ROBIN
He does have a nice heiny.

JANE
Heiny? What is he, two years old? He has a nice
heiny?

ROBIN
Don’t laugh!

JANE
And don’t think that I didn’t see you checkin’ out
that man’s basket.

ROBIN
Eew!

JANE
Eew! What do you call it?

ROBIN
I don’t call it anything. I just wasn’t brought up to
talk about a person’s anatomy.

JANE
That’s probably because you don’t have a word for it.

ROBIN
That’s just ridiculous. I do, too. It just doesn’t
often come up.

JANE
Okay. What is this, below the belly button?

ROBIN
I’m not going to say “pussy” if that’s what you’re
after, okay, I hate that.

JANE
Okay. So, what do you call it?

ROBIN
Down there.

JANE
Oh, come on! “Down there!”

ROBIN
Well, “vagina” seems so formal.

JANE
But you make it sound like a basement!

ROBIN
Okay. Honestly?

JANE
Yeah.

ROBIN
Fine. “Hoo-hoo” or “cissy.”

JANE
You’re kidding, right? A “hoo-hoo” or a “cissy,” what
is that?

ROBIN
Well that’s what my mother called it. I had a hoo-hoo
or a cissy and my brother had a “noodle” or a
“dingle.”

JANE
And that’s what you still call it?

ROBIN
Well, it’s better than “pussy.” Or “beaver.” What’s
that about? I never got that. Or worse…

JANE
Worse? Did you say worse? Now, what could be worse?
I have to hear you say it.

ROBIN
Well, you know. I’m not going to say it.

JANE
Oh, come on! “C-U-N-T.” Come on, please?

ROBIN
I don’t think so.

JANE
Please? It’ll free you. Try it!

ROBIN
There’s a policeman within the sound of my voice.

JANE
Give him a thrill.

ROBIN
I don’t think so.

JANE
I’m gonna wet you.

ROBIN
No! You’re such a baby!

JANE
Okay. Come on.

ROBIN
All right. “Cunt.”

JANE
What? What was that?

ROBIN
I said it!

JANE
No, you breathed it! I want to hear you say it.

ROBIN
All right! All right. All right. “C-U-N-T, cunt.”

JANE
Yeah?

ROBIN
“Cunt.” “Cunt.” “CUNT!”

JANE
Free! You’ve got a dirty mouth.

ROBIN
You were right. I feel…I don’t know, different.

JANE
That’s because you’re free Miss Scarlett! You’re
free! C’mon, let’s go get everybody and tell them!

ROBIN
That can’t be good for the baby.

JANE
Oh, well, you know. They’ll probably take a break in
the delivery room….Do you miss it?

ROBIN
What?

JANE
Sex.

ROBIN
Yeah, I do….You know what’s weird? You never know
the last time you sleep with somebody it’s the last
time. You’re thinking: “Oh, we got problems, we got
work to do,” you know, but you never think…and then
you break up and a month later you look back and you
go: “Oh, that was it.” That Tuesday or Friday or
whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it
was the last time….Well.

JANE
Listen, thanks for my birthday present. Because a
girl can never have too many (?).

ROBIN
I know. I’m sorry.

JANE
No. No. I love it.

ROBIN
Well, happy birthday.

JANE
Thank you.

ROBIN
You’re mail is in the living room. Good night, I
drank too much.

JANE
Good night.

SCENE 53 Jane plays her new piano and sings a
Carpenters song.

SCENE 54

JANE
So what’s the deal? Do you like her or what?

ALEX
Yeah, I do. I’ve been trying. But you know, she’s
got that “back off” thing goin’ on so I just assumed
that she was one of the girls.

JANE
No. She’s not that. She’s definitely not one of the
girls.

ALEX
No kidding?

JANE
No kidding. Just shy, you know.

ALEX
Yeah?

JANE
Yeah. So, I hear you’re goin’ with us on Saturday?

ALEX
I am now.

JANE
We should have a little talk.

ALEX
Come on, I’ll give you a beer. Come on.

SCENE 55

ABE
Ready?

HOLLY
Okay.

ABE
All right. One…two…three…There you go. Higher!
Higher!

SCENE 56

ALEX
You want a drink?

SCENE 57

JANE
Hey.

ANNA
You okay?

JANE
Mm hm. Just tired.

ANNA
She’s having a good time.

JANE
Yeah.

ANNA
That’s good, no? That’s what you wanted.

JANE
Yeah.

SCENE 58

ABE
Holly? Hey Babe. Is something the matter?
HOLLY
No.

ABE
It smells like marijuana out here.

HOLLY
Clove cigarettes.

ABE
Now you know that’s not good for the baby.

HOLLY
Yeah, well, having him come out of that tiny hole is
not good for me, either, so we’re even.

ABE
What is wrong?

HOLLY
I’ve got things on my mind.

ABE
It’s that guy, right? Nick?

HOLLY
Who told you about him?

ABE
Well, it had to be someone. And besides, you keep
calling out “Nick” in bed

HOLLY
I do? Well, maybe it’s something that sounds like
Nick.

ABE
Does he know about the baby?

HOLLY
No. I’m only here temporarily. I might go back.

ABE
I know that. And I will not stand in your way. But
if he loves you so much, why doesn’t he call?

HOLLY
Maybe he can’t get to a phone.

ABE
Come on back to the party. I want to get one dance
before we go.

HOLLY
All right.

SCENE 59

ROBIN
No, stop.

ALEX
What?

ROBIN
I don’t know.

ALEX
You don’t like it?

ROBIN
No, I do. I do like it.

ALEX
Yes, so do I….Feel me girl. Come on, put your hands
on me. Yeah…lay down now.

ROBIN
Slow, slow, slow.

ALEX
Okay, real slow.

ROBIN
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

ALEX
What’s the matter?
ROBIN
Um, I’m a little drunk. Oh gosh.

ALEX
You are so beautiful.

ROBIN
No I’m not.

ALEX
Oh, yes you are. You’re so fucking beautiful. And
you taste so good.

ROBIN
Alex.

ALEX
Talk to me. Tell me what you like.

ROBIN
Listen.

ALEX
I want to make you cum so hard.

ROBIN
I gotta…I have to tell you something.

ALEX
Honey, I know.

ROBIN
You need to know something.

ALEX
It’s okay, I know. I’m going to use something.

ROBIN
What?

ALEX
I’m going to use something. It’s okay. We’ll be
safe. Don’t worry about it.

ROBIN
About what?

ALEX
Come on, shh, it’s okay.

ROBIN
No. No. You don’t understand. I…I’m…positive.
I tested positive.

ALEX
It’s okay. I know. I know. I just don’t want to
talk about it, all right? Because I already
know…What? What’s the matter?

ROBIN
Who told you?

ALEX
Nobody. Nobody told me. Come on…

ROBIN
It was Jane. She told you.

ALEX
Yeah, she told me.

ROBIN
Why?

ALEX
It was no big deal. She said you were shy and
had…had a bad time with some guy and I guessed, and
she didn’t deny it. It just came up real casually.
It’s just part of your history, like hey, she’s on the
rebound or something so be careful, you know. It just
came out…

ROBIN
What does that make you? Big hero? Bringing sex to
the unfuckable. You must feel really good about
yourself.

ALEX
Oh, God. That’s not it. I just want things the way
they used to be. You know? When I meet someone,
someone I like, have a good time, get drunk, and fuck
my brains out. Why can’t we do that anymore?
ROBIN
Because you can’t. That’s all. Just can’t. I think
you should go home.

ALEX
Robin.

ROBIN
No, please. Don’t make me beg. Just go.

SCENE 60

JANE
Hey, good morning. How’s it going?

ROBIN
Great.

JANE
How was last night?

ROBIN
Ooh, it was good.

JANE
Good. Is Alex still here?

ROBIN
No, he’s gone.

JANE
So you had a good time, huh?

ROBIN
Real good time until I found out you told him I’ve got
HIV.

JANE
Well, I didn’t exactly tell him, you know.

ROBIN
No, I know. He guessed. You know, she looks like the
kind of girl that tested positive for the AIDS virus.
I don’t know, she’s got that kind of glow.

JANE
It slipped out.

ROBIN
What did you think you were doing, setting me up like
that?

JANE
I thought I was doing a good thing. I mean, I know
you like him and he likes you.

ROBIN
Yeah, great. Maybe he’ll ask me to go steady. Maybe
he’ll take me to the prom.

JANE
Come on.

ROBIN
What, do you think I’m stupid?

JANE
No. I don’t think that at all.

ROBIN
You think that you can just put a man in my bed and
I’ll forget? All it does, if you want to know, all it
does is remind me. Alex and you and Holly and her
baby. Every single living thing I see reminds me.

JANE
So what are you going to do? Are you gonna hide in
the house? Are you going to lock yourself away? Come
on!

ROBIN
You don’t know anything about it. Anyway, it’s none
of your business. You’re the one that’s in love with
somebody that you can never have.

JANE
Do me a favor, okay? I’ll stay out of your love life
and you stay out of mine.

ROBIN
Not just my love life. My life. Stay out of my life!
JANE
Meaning what?

ROBIN
That means maybe this isn’t working. Maybe you should
move.

JANE
Okay.

ROBIN
And take that fucking piano! If you don’t, I’ll leave
it out in the rain. I swear to God I will.

JANE
All right.

SCENE 61

ANNA
All the way back against the wall.

GIRL
Hi!

JANE
Hi.

GIRL
How are you? Are you going to teach me to play the
piano?

ANNA
Is this gonna be good?

JANE
That’s fine.

SCENE 62

ABE
Hey, Babe?

HOLLY
Yeah?

ABE
Marry me.

HOLLY
Get serious!

ABE
I am serious.

HOLLY
Get out of town! Look.

ABE
Freeze, sucker.

HOLLY
I got you. I’m gonna get you!

ABE
Marry me. Marry me tomorrow.

HOLLY
I can’t marry you, Abe.

ABE
You’re not…you’re not over him yet, are you?

HOLLY
Well, we’re all over him. Like, six feet over him.

SCENE 63

ROBIN
Mom?

SCENE 64

HOLLY
It was an accident, or self-defense. I mean, I would
never kill anybody on purpose or like, in cold blood.
Hey, did you ever see that movie?

ABE
Shh. Shh. Let’s get some rest, okay?

HOLLY
You don’t want to marry me now, do you?

ABE
Shh. We’re together now. We’re together. And that’s
not changing.

SCENE 65

ELAINE
Oh, she looks so thin….Look at you, Honey. Oh!
They gave us a terrible map at Hertz. I have been
driving around for an hour and a half. Is this your
house? Oh, isn’t it quaint. I need to use the little
girl’s room, Darling.

ROBIN
Oh, sure, Mom.

ELAINE
This heat! The A/C is n.g., right Jer? You know me.
I like so you need a sweater.

JERRY
It’s two days. It’ll be fine. I’m Jerry.

ROBIN
Hi.

ELAINE
Oh, I’m sorry! Robin, my daughter. Robin, Jerry.

ROBIN
Pleased to meet you….I told her I could have picked
you up. You didn’t need to get a car.

ELAINE
Well, you know me. I’m so damn independent. Riding
in other people’s cars, forget it. Well, isn’t this
nice? Oh, oh look Jer, a cactus flower. They bloom
once every hundred years. Oh quick, show me the
potty, Darling. I’m about to burst.

SCENE 66

HOLLY
Anyway, um, Jane called me at work. Wants to know how
you are.

ROBIN
I’m fine.

ELAINE
Who’s Jane?

ABE
Jane used to live here up until a few days ago.

ROBIN
Just stay out of this Holly. It’s between me and
Jane.

HOLLY
Well, she asked for my advice so I told her, she’s an
anti-lesbian.

ROBIN
I am not.

ELAINE
Who’s a lesbian?

ROBIN
Jane is.

ELAINE
And she was living here?

ABE
Yes, ma’am.

ROBIN
I am not anti-lesbian.

HOLLY
Not you, her.

ELAINE
Who?

ROBIN
Jane.

HOLLY
See, this is her old problem. She creates a situation
where she gets this rejection and everyone else sees
it coming.

ROBIN
She just wasn’t being honest.

HOLLY
Well, I think it’s a black thing, too.

ELAINE
Jane is black?

ABE
Yes, ma’am. She sure is.

ROBIN
And you can’t live a lie. You just can’t.

HOLLY
Well, there’s lying and then there’s just not telling.

ELAINE
She’s a black lesbian?

ABE
Yes, ma’am. That’s right.

ELAINE
And she was living here, with you?

HOLLY
No, no, no, no. She was just living here. They
weren’t like, fucking or anything…Were you?

ELAINE
Were you?

ABE
Were you?

ROBIN
I’ll get the coffee.

SCENE 67

ABE
I have to get going, Babe.

HOLLY
Why? Your shift doesn’t start until 10:30. Don’t you
wanna go upstairs for a while?

ABE
No, not tonight. Um, it was nice meeting you ma’am.

ELAINE
You’re going already?

ABE
Yes.

ELAINE
We have dessert.

ABE
Maybe next time, thank you. Uh Robin, good night.

ROBIN
Good night.
HOLLY
Maybe I’m just too fat now.

ELAINE
Don’t worry, Dear. It’s a natural thing.

SCENE 68

ELAINE
Will they live here after they get married?

ROBIN
Who?

ELAINE
Holly and um…oh, that nice young man. What is his
name?

ROBIN
Oh, Abe…um…Well, I’m not sure she wants to marry
him.

ELAINE
A pregnant girl? Is she crazy? She should grab him.

ROBIN
Well, it’s not really his baby.

ELAINE
So what? She still should grab him. Believe me, I
know what she’s going to have to go through. You
know, I’m a feminist, too. I was a single mother
after your father left. You think that was easy? I
even voted for Carter twice. But you can’t fight
nature. God knows you girls keep trying. Treating
your men like side dishes. Stick a fork in when
needed. Just like men used to treat us.

ROBIN
Mother, who am I treating? Do you see a man here
anywhere?

ELAINE
No, I don’t. And I think it’s a problem.

SCENE 69

ELAINE
I don’t understand why you don’t come home.

ROBIN
I like it here, Mom.

ELAINE
You’re not exactly bubbling over with happiness.

ROBIN
It’s a life, Mom. It’s not a hayride.

SCENE 70

ELAINE
Honey, what is this? Oh my gosh! The police are
here!

ROBIN
Yes, I see the police, Mother.

JANE
What the fuck is goin’ on? What the hell is goin’ on?

POLICE
Hold it.

JANE
Okay.

HOLLY
Jane, what are you doing here?

ABE
I called her. I thought that she should know.

ROBIN
Know what?

HOLLY
He’s arresting me.

ROBIN
What for?

ABE
You know what for, Robin. Pittsburgh.

JANE
You told him?

ABE
Yes, she told me. And I take this name seriously. I
cannot tell a lie.

JANE
That was Washington, shmuck!

ABE
Whatever. Anyway, I’m going to stand by Holly one-
hundred percent. But I am sworn to uphold the law.
And I don’t believe I would be any use to her
whatsoever if I broke my oath. Now would I?

HOLLY
He really loves me.

JANE
Oh yeah, I can tell by the manacles on your wrists!

ROBIN
Don’t say a word. Not to him, not to anybody. We’ll
get you a lawyer.

HOLLY
I’ll miss you guys.

ABE
Now I promise you that they are going to treat her
right. They know that she is going to be my future
wife.

JANE
Son-of-a-bitch!

ELAINE
Honey, what in the world is going on? I feel like
I’ve just seen “America’s Most Wanted” in person.

JANE
This has got to be the mother.

ROBIN
Jane, please.

ELAINE
Yes, I am. And who are you?

JANE
I’m the lesbo. I used to live here until your
daughter threw me out.

ELAINE
Well, I’m sorry.

ROBIN
Mother.

JANE
Yeah, me too. But I think this makes her real happy,
because now she’s got the whole house to herself.

ROBIN
Cut it out. You’re just being a baby. Jane, stop!
You know, she’s going to need our help.

JANE
No, not our help. I’ll take care of this myself.

ROBIN
Okay.

JANE
Okay.

ROBIN
Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

SCENE 71

ELAINE
They do that now, don’t they?

ROBIN
What?

ELAINE
Call themselves “lesbos.”

ROBIN
Oh, Mom.

ELAINE
And she makes it sound like a compliment.

SCENE 72

HENRY
She wants to confess. She says she doesn’t want to
bring a child into a world of lies.

ABE
Well you have nothing to worry about Henry. Holly has
promised me that she is going to keep her mouth shut
as long as does not have to lie out loud.

JANE
We wouldn’t even be here if wasn’t for you, you brown-
nosin’ putz!

ABE
I took an oath, Jane.

JANE
Yeah, you took a fucking oath, man. Now were stuck
here in Pittsburgh and Holly’s on trial because of
your oath!

SCENE 73

JANE
So what exactly do they have?

HENRY
Nothing. Except for Abe’s testimony and that’s just
hearsay.

ABE
That is the truth.

JANE
Oh, shut up! Nobody wants to hear the truth. But
aside from that, what do they have?

ABE
They…they have the Polaroid.

JANE
The Polaroid?

ABE
Yes. I mentioned that I had seen a snapshot.

HENRY
It’s on the list of exhibits. I mean, come on. What
the hell can they do with that?

SCENE 74

LAWYER
Cold blooded. Cruel. Inhuman. What words would you
use to describe a woman who posed and took this
photograph? This is a photograph of a man who in a
few short hours will be dead from a wound inflicted by
this woman that you see before you.

SCENE 75

LAWYER
…and not surprisingly, everything that you
say…everything that you say tends to exonerate your
friend.

JANE
Sorry. It’s just the truth.

LAWYER
And perhaps not coincidentally, it tends to exonerate
you.

JANE
There are no charges against me.

LAWYER
Yet.

JANE
Oh, come on. Your Honor, is he allowed to just
intimidate me like this?

JUDGE
Mr. Massarelli, please.

LAWYER
Oh, I apologize your Honor. It was unintentional.
What is the nature of your friendship with Ms. Holly
Pulchik?

JANE
Excuse me?

LAWYER
Oh, I’m sorry. Let me rephrase the question. How
would you characterize your friendship?

JANE
I would call her my friend. I mean, come on. What is
this “friendship” stuff about?

LAWYER
That’s precisely what I’m trying to find out. Let me
put this delicately to avoid offending the court. Is
there a “romantic” character to your friendship?

HENRY
Objection!

JUDGE
Over ruled. You may proceed Mr. Massarelli.

LAWYER
To repeat Ms. Deluca, is there a romantic character to
your friendship with the defendant?

JANE
No, Mr. Massaralli, there is not.

LAWYER
Massarelli.

JANE
I’m sorry. Unintentional.

LAWYER
You are, however, one of these gay women that we read
about, or do you prefer lesbian?

JANE
Do I prefer them to you?

LAWYER
Are you gay?

JANE
Do I look gay?

LAWYER
Your Honor?

JUDGE
Please answer the question.

LAWYER
Are-you-gay?

JANE
Yes-I-am. And I’m sure you hear that women all the
time. And in my case, it happens to be true.

SCENE 76

JANE
(Talking on the telephone): She’s scared shitless,
just like I would be after today. No, I don’t want
you to do that Anna, okay? I don’t want you to do
that. I’ll call you tonight, all right? Good-bye.
(To Abe): You shmuck!

ABE
You did your best.

JANE
Yeah, I did, which is more than I can say for you.

ABE
Justice is hard.

JANE
Justice? You call this justice? This girl protects
herself against some marauding asshole who uses her
body as a punching bag, and she’s going to jail? You
call that justice! Is that what you want?

ABE
I want Holly to be my wife. I want us to be a family.

JANE
Where, in the joint?

ABE
I don’t know that. But I do know that there is no
kind of family without the law. None whatsoever.
Because the law that governs this society is the same
law that holds the family together.

JANE
Where did you read that? On the side of a Cheerios
box?

ABE
You think I love her less, now. But I don’t. I love
her more. And that is why I had to do this.

JANE
Come on. Come on! Come on!

SCENE 77

ELAINE
And they lived happily ever after.

ROBIN
Did I wake you?

ELAINE
No. I was just looking for a drink.

ROBIN
There’s beer.

ELAINE
No. I had some bourbon from the plane, but I seem to
have finished it. What are you doing?

ROBIN
I thought somehow if I made this trip again, we’d all
be here at the end like this.

ELAINE
Oh, Honey. Nobody was happy in these pictures.
Except maybe you. Tommy was already so frail. And
your father….

ROBIN
Well, you loved him, didn’t you?

ELAINE
Yes, I did. With all my heart. But I lost him. And
Tommy, too. And that’s that. You just have to let it
go, Robin. Just let it go.

ROBIN
I can’t.

ELAINE
Well, you have to, Darling. Because it’s never going
to come out any differently, no matter how many times
you make this trip.
ROBIN
I know that.

ELAINE
When we lost Tommy, well, your father just couldn’t
live with that. I don’t blame him. It’s not right,
losing your children. Children are supposed to live
after you. Oh, Honey. Are you crying? Oh my gosh.
Do you know, I don’t ever remember you crying. Even
when you were a baby. Isn’t that funny?

ROBIN
Ha! Ha! Ha! …I’m sorry.

ELAINE
I know that you’re not well, Darling. I don’t know
what it is and I don’t want to know. But I know
you’ll get better. You were always the strong one. I
can’t lose you. I can’t just lose everybody. I do
the best I can, Honey. I know it’s not enough, and
I’m sorry. But that’s what you get in life, you know?
You get whoever you end up with. Whoever is willing
to stick by you and fight for you when everyone else
is gone. And it ain’t always who you expect. But you
just have to make do.

ROBIN
I’m not complaining, Mom.

ELAINE
Never complain. Never explain. Katherine Hepburn.
She said that in Redbook last month. It’s a good
motto, isn’t it?

SCENE 78

HENRY
The best I can do is to pretend like you never
testified. Just go on like it never happened.

JANE
Go on to what?

HENRY
Honestly? I don’t know.

ROBIN
All right, this is the situation. I am still angry.
I do not forgive you for anything. And I don’t want
to talk about it. Anna filled me in. She told me
everything I needed to know about the trial so far,
and I know I can help. Because even if I can’t, I
couldn’t make it any worse. And Holly is just as much
my responsibility as everyone else’s, and so are you.
Because you are my family and I love you. Now, I feel
fine. My T-cells are over a hundred and I’m rarin’ to
go. So, unless you want to waste time being stubborn,
I suggest we get me on the stand as soon as possible.

SCENE 79

LAWYER
You expect us to believe that the defendant, pregnant
with this man’s child, would leave him and never look
back?

ROBIN
It was over. He beat her and abused her. I saw. I
saw how he treated her.

LAWYER
But not to call. Not to leave an address so he could
forward her mail. And practical reasons aside, let’s
just say that she did strike a blow for self-defense.
Let’s just assume. And she decides to let him stew in
his own juices for a while. But a couple of hours, a
few days later she realizes, “But he’s my little
baby’s daddy. And you know what? He’s not so bad.
And sure, maybe he’s got a temper.” But all she knows
is that she needs him. She needs to call him.

ROBIN
But it was over between them. I know you think a girl
like her, the most important thing in her life is a
man, but she didn’t need him. She had us.

LAWYER
Well, I hardly think that you’re a replacement for a
father.
ROBIN
I don’t know what it is, but, there’s something that
goes on between women. You men know that because it’s
the same for you. I’m not saying one sex is better
than the other. I’m just saying, like speaks to like.
Love, or whatever, doesn’t always keep, so you find
out what does, if you’re lucky.

LAWYER
Well, thank you for that very illuminating view of the
war between the sexes. Are you a lesbian, too, Ms.
Nickerson?

ROBIN
No, sir. But at times I understand the inclination.

LAWYER
Now, suppose there is this bond between women.
Suppose men are disposable.

ROBIN
I didn’t say that! I…

LAWYER
If that’s the case, why should we believe you?
Wouldn’t you say anything, wouldn’t you do anything to
keep your sister, keep your bosom-buddy, so to speak,
out of jail?

ROBIN
I’m under oath. I wouldn’t perjure myself.

LAWYER
Well, I’m glad that I don’t have to remind you of
that. And, just for the record…You didn’t
know…You didn’t know until the police told you, that
this man was dead of his wounds?

ROBIN
If I’m lying, may I be struck down with some terrible
disease.

SCENE 80

HENRY
Okay! All right! Good news! Got an offer.
Involuntary manslaughter with extenuating
circumstances.

ABE
One to two years, parole after six months.

HENRY
I got you minimum security in Arizona, two hours from
home, and good medical care.

HOLLY
I’d hate to have my baby in jail.

ROBIN
What are the chances for an acquittal?

HENRY
Well, he’s dead as a result of her actions, and,
juries want to make someone pay for that. She didn’t
testify in her own defense, and I’m not sure how much
good you did her.

HOLLY
I mean, my baby will have a mother who’s a convicted
felon. I don’t know. What do you think?

EVERYONE
Well, by the time…

HOLLY
I mean Abe. What do you think about that, Babe?

ABE
I think that you should take it. And I will keep the
baby until you get out.

ROBIN
Yeah, but…

HOLLY
That’s what I’ll do, then.

HENRY
Fine. I’ll tell them we’ll take it.

HOLLY
I love you.

ABE
I gotta get in there with you.

HOLLY
Do you?

ABE
I want you so much.

HOLLY
Could we have a minute?

JANE
Yeah. We’ll see you later.

HOLLY
Oh Abe. I missed you so much!

JANE
Well, so much for the bonds between women.

ROBIN
You can’t fight that.

JANE
You were pretty good in there. What ever happened to
honesty is the best policy?

ROBIN
You don’t want to go overboard.

JANE
You know, I’ve been thinkin’ and thinkin’ and thinkin’
about this and I want to say it. I’m really, really
sorry. I truly am.

ROBIN
Yeah, me, too. I get so angry so fast. It’s just
it’s…lonely. Between me and everybody else there’s
all this space all the time and it gets bigger and
bigger and…I’m on one side, you know…and, I’m
screaming and the one person I think I’m holding is
afraid of it, too.

JANE
I’m holding you.

ROBIN
There will not be anymore lies between us, not even
for my own good.

JANE
No ma’am.

ROBIN
Good.

JANE
I’m gonna go call Anna, she’s got a…

ROBIN
Okay.

JANE
Yeah?

ROBIN
Go ahead….

JANE
Wait a minute. What’s the matter? Hey! Hey! Hey!
Abe! ABE!

SCENE 81

JANE
(Talking on the telephone): Elaine? Jane. Listen.
I’m sorry to wake you, but we’re back in Tucson and
she’s in the hospital.

SCENE 82 Elaine runs to the hospital and finds
Robin laying in bed in her room.

SCENE 83 Alex meets Jane at the hospital.

SCENE 84

PSYCHIC
What curse, Honey? Who?

JANE
One of my friends. Remember when I came to see you,
you said there was a curse on a friend of mine? It’s
my friend, Robin. She’s…Look, you know, I don’t
believe in this stuff. You know that. I just thought
it couldn’t hurt to come and see you.

PSYCHIC
Oh, Robin. That’s the girl with AIDS. Anna’s friend.

JANE
She’s my friend.

PSYCHIC
Oh, boy uh, let’s see…

JANE
So can you do it?

PSYCHIC
Do what?

JANE
Take the curse off of her. You said you could…

PSYCHIC
It’s AIDS, Honey.

JANE
I know that, but right now it’s just a lung infection,
see, and…I don’t want a miracle. I just want to
give her a 51-49 shot. I mean look, I brought money.
I could pay you right now.

PSYCHIC
Pay when it works. I can’t promise anything.

SCENE 85

JANE
Don’t wake her up.

NURSE
Just doing my job. (To Elaine): Is that a cold? She
can’t afford an infection. I’ll have to mask you.

JANE
Are you blind? Can’t you see she’s been crying? It’s
her mother.

NURSE
People think that they’re being nice but they come
here with colds and it’s not a nice…

JANE
It’s not a goddamn cold. Don’t be such a hoo-hoo!

NURSE
And what’s a hoo-hoo?

ELAINE
It’s a cunt, Dear. Now why don’t you leave us alone?

SCENE 86

ROBIN
Tommy? Tommy?

JANE
Hey. It’s just me.

ROBIN
I know.

JANE
Okay.
ROBIN
Where’s Mom?

JANE
She had to go back to the house.

ROBIN
Will you call her?

JANE
Sure. (Talking to Elaine on the telephone): Yeah,
hi. Uh, she’s asking for you. (To Robin): Do you
want me to get a doctor?

ROBIN
No. No….I had a crush on a woman once. I was ten.

JANE
That’s when I had crushes on boys.

ROBIN
She was a strawberry blonde. That’s what my mom
called her. She was a baby-sitter at the hotel we
stayed at right before my Dad went to Vietnam. She
was beautiful. Strawberry blonde.

JANE
I used to be a strawberry blonde, too.

ROBIN
It was me you loved, wasn’t it?

JANE
Yeah. Still do.

ROBIN
Well, I loved you, too. I don’t want a funeral, but
Mom will. But it’s got to be here. Don’t let her
take me back to San Diego.

JANE
Okay.

ROBIN
And afterwards, have a big party at the house. Okay?

JANE
Okay.

ROBIN
Big party.

JANE
A big party.

SCENE 87

NURSE
You can do it! Push! Push! Come on Holly, you can
do it! Push right into it. Take a deep breath. Good!
Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!

DOCTOR
Give us a real good push now….The head is coming.

SCENE 88 Abe visits Holly in the hospital.

SCENE 89

ABE
I wanted to be here to help her with the breathing and
everything.

JANE
Next time. Next time. Have you ever seen one of
these things?

ABE
Uh uh.

JANE
They’re really ugly.

ABE
Where are they?

JANE
Let’s go. Whoa, wait a minute! Come on, man!

SCENE 90

ABE
Firstad. Mitchell. Pulchik.

JANE
Don’t look at me.

SCENE 91

EVERYONE
Welcome back!

ABE
You made it. You’re back home.

ELAINE
Isn’t she beautiful?

HOLLY
Hi, little one. Hello. Welcome. Welcome Mary Todd.
(Holly hands the baby to Robin).

JANE
Push it right out.

SCENE 92 Everyone is singing “Mellow Yellow” at the
party outside.

SCENE 93

JANE
It was rough goin’ in there. But she managed to pull
herself through, you know. And the next day the
Pentamidine kicked in, so….

HOLLY
What are her T-cells now?

JANE
Uh, they’re about 35. They were under 20 before.

HOLLY
She just…she doesn’t look good.

JANE
She looks great.

SCENE 94

JANE
Everyone, welcome Holly home, with her new baby and
her new husband Abe. We’re all glad to be here with
our friends. And I want you right now, ladies and
gentlemen, to put your hands together and give a round
of warm applause, to 1983’s fourth runner-up in the
“Star Search” talent competition!

ELAINE
No! No! No! Jane! Jane! It was third runner-up,
not fourth. I told her. Fourth was this terrible
little boy tap dancer with pimples. He only got that
far because he cheated. I mean, that is the only
reason that I…

ALEX
Elaine.

ELAINE
What?

JERRY
Shut up.

ELAINE
Jerry!

ROBIN
(Singing): “Every time I look into your loving
eyes…I see love that money just can’t buy…

JANE
(Singing): “One look, from you…I drift away…I
pray that you are here to stay…Anything you want,
you got it…Anything you need, you got it…Anything
at all, you got it…Baby…Every time I hold you I
begin to understand…Everything about you tells me
that I’m your best friend…So I live my life to be
with you… ‘Cause no one can do the things you
do…Anything you want, you got it…Anything you
need, you got it…Anything at all, you got
it…Baby…Anything you need…Anything you
want…you got it…Anything you need, you got it…”

SCENE 95 Jane looks at Robin’s empty wheelchair.

HOLLY
Ready to go?

JANE
Yeah.

HOLLY
Okay. But you better be back for Christmas because
Mary Todd’s expecting you.

JANE
Yeah, I will.

HOLLY
You make sure you call me as soon as you get to L.A.
I want to know how the audition goes.

JANE
Okay, Mom!
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