Annie is in nice lingerie, happily getting ready for the
day. She puts a lot of effort into her appearance.
Products everywhere, too many hair-flips, eye-cream, no
hair out of place.
She walks into the bedroom, where TED, a gorgeous man
sleeps. She sneaks back into the bed, carefully
positioning herself and moving the sheets to show her
She coughs and nudges Ted to wake him up then pretend
Annie pretends to wake up.
Wow, you look beautiful.
What? No. I don’t. Oh my God its the
morning. I look terrible. I just woke up.
Last night was fun.
Yeah, I had the best time. I have’t had
that much fun on a first date in years,
She brushes the hair off his forehead as if he were her
long time lover.
So listen Annie, I like you. So, I want
to be up front with you. I’m not really
looking for a relationship right now.
Annie’s eyes grow large. She uncomfortably smiles at him,
Oooooo. Oops. I mean, yeah. What?
I just want to be honest right off the
Yeah, yeah. Ok. Yeah. Yeah. I love that.
Annie struggles to maintain her composure.
I’m just so busy and I don’t have time
for another person…I…
Yeah, me too, I’m soo busy–
And summer’s coming–
Yeah, summer, exactly. It’s a crazy
season. So you just wanna give me a call
in the fall or–?
Yeah, I’m not gonna be in town much even
in the fall–
You shouldn’t be! Yeah, Halloween–
I’m gonna be travelling a lot for work.
Me too, I’m just- so many business trips
to places that are just far awayâ€˜cause
I’m doing really well at work.
And honestly, (sits up) I don’t even know
how I feel about the whole monogamy
thing, is one person really enough for
anyone? I mean, I like to be with a lot
of different people.
It is sooo refreshing to hear you say
that, because isn’t that what everyone
thinks but is afraid to say? I mean, i’s
science. I’m-I don’t want a relationship
either. Let’s just say that. And I
wouldn’t even care whatever you do or I
do, I just wanna have tons of fun, like
no strings attached at all. I’m just
different from other girls.
Yeah. Well anyway, I really should get
going. I was gonna get a haircut today.
Yeah, they say that every couple months
it’s good to trim the ends, you know, get
all the dead stuff. So, cool. Cool. ‘ve
cut hair before.
He waits, but Annie doesn’t budge.
Well, like I said I got stuff to do.
Annie notices a picture of a sailboat above the bed.
Yeah, me too. Gonna try to get some
sailing in before the weather gets
Cool, well I don’t wanna be Get up the jib..
Ted gets up. Awkward moment leading into…
EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR. MOMENTS LATER.
Oh, and thanks for the lemon bars.
Oh, no problem. Made from scratch.
Annie stands at the closed driveway gate waiting as Ted
repeatedly presses the button. She smiles at a neighbor.
Sometimes it sticks!
No, I love it!
The gate starts to open. Annie exits.
EXT. STREET. OUTSIDE THE GATE
Annie sits in her old shitty car. She lets out an
exasperated sigh, then sees the clock.
The brakes squeak as she very slowly drives away.
INT. ANNIE’S CAR IN TRAFFIC. CONTINUOUS.
Annie gets out her phone and speed dials LILLIAN.
INT. LILLIAN’S BEDROOM.
Lillian is getting dressed. Upscale, professional
It’s summer?! What the hell does that
mean? He can’t date anyone in the summer?
I guess? I don’t know. I feel so stupid
No he’s stupid Ann, not you.
I think I might be a little bit stupid.
Ew. Did you have sex with him?
No! But I gave him a blow job.
Well, he kept putting it in my face.
Lillian’s boyfriend DOUGIE enters the bedroom eating a
Luna Bar in his sweats. He’s stretching and flexing his
muscles trying to make her laugh.
Well, at least he was honest with you so
you don’t waste your time with him.
Baby, look how hard I worked out. Look at
all this sweat.
Can you see that I’m on the phone? I’m
talking to Annie.
Are you eating my Luna Bar? Those are for
women you know?
It’s not gonna do anything to you.
Oh my God. My breasts are getting bigger.
He tries to rub up against Lillian.
Ew, go take a shower.
I’m gonna play with my new boobs in
I swear I cannot handle him right now. He
has been driving me crazy. Sometimes it
feels like I’m kissing my brother. I
don’t know what do.
Annie pulls into an alleyway behind HARRINGTO’S JEWELRY
STORE and starts changing into her work uniform in the
car. A white blouse and navy skirt.
At least you have someone. God, wha’s
wrong with me?
There’s nothing wrong with you. But I
think maybe, and don’t get mad at me,
I’ve said this to you before, you need to
stop trying so hard.
I still don’t think I do that.
OK, so you had a first date last night.
Did you bring him a present?
Annie is silent.
Ann, what did I tell you?
I brought him lemon-bars because I was
making them anyway, as a friend. Yo’re
right, that’s weird.
I just chipped a nail!
Ok, I don’t know if it’s because I’m
tired or what, but I wanna kill him.
Ok, just take a deep breath, look in the
mirror and remember when I was getting my
braces off and farted at the
Oh my God. We need to hang out. ‘m
coming to Milwaukee this weekend.
Are you serious?
We’ll go to Joni’s and pig out and I’ll
bring some shitty magazines, and I’m
gonna spend the night.
God, I haven’t seen you in months!
I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.
They hang up. Dougie is in the doorway wearing her
nightie stretched over his body.
Baby, I’m going through some changes…
(laughing) You’re an idiot.
We see she gets a kick out of him.
INT. HARRINGTON’S JEWELRY STORE.
Annie enters hurriedly pulling her hair into a bun.
Hi. Sorry, sorry! I’m here. I’m here.
(quickly) Annie! Thank God. OK people!
Gather around me please, in a tight
Annie and six other employees gather around DONNA.
(slightly overdramatic) Something
terrible has happened. Donald will not
be coming in to work today. He stepped
on a wasp and there is some uncomfortable
Annie? Where’s your tie?
Everyone looks at Annie. She holds it up and starts to
put it on.
Now, I have an eye doctor’s appointment
that I can’t change or they’ll will
charge me. So someone will have to cover
for Donald in engagement rings. Now I–
Annie and SANDY, a male co-worker, shoot their hands the
Sandy? Today’s your day.
Ooh, my horoscope said I would be
presented with an opportunity at work
today. That is eerie. That is eerie.
Annie, that means you’ll be alone in
keepsakes. You think you can handle it?
Yeah, look out. There might be a bum-
rush for letter openers…
The employees snicker.
Sometimes there is, so….there have
been. At times, there has been.
Alright everybody, let’s get to work!
SANEEL, the security guard, rolls his eyes and unlocks
the doors. Everyone goes to work. Donna gathers her
things and starts walking towards the exit with Annie
tailing behind her.
Donna, can I talk to you for a second? I
feel like if you gave me a shot at
engagement rings sometime, I could really-
Annie, what is the calibration of a 2
carat diamond in a standard English
I just made all of that up. None of that
was real. I just put words together.
You’re not ready for the big leagues.
It’s so hard to make commission over
Sweetheart…did I ever tell you the
story of the little paralyzed Chinese
girl who wanted to be dancer?
She was paralyzed Annie, had no feeling
in her legs, and then one day after years
of believing in herself, she stood up out
of that chair and tap-danced for the
king. On his birthday! My point is, Sandy
makes a real effort around here. He
connects with the customer. And when he
wants to make a sale, he goes for it.
Okay. (beat) I do want it.
(smiling) Good. Showing up on time is a
wonderful place to start.
Donna talks to herself and gathers her things.
Uhh! A wasp! Who walks around even their
own backyard without at least a thin
sandal. It’s reckless!
Donna exits. A customer passes Anni’s section.
Hello, can I interest you in a sterling
silver money clip that will create
memories for you and your family? No?
We cut to a HOME IMPROVEMENT SHOW on T.V.
When Dave and Rhonda bought this house,
it was a medical clinic. I’ve never seen
so many cupboards!
INT. ANNIE AND STEVE’S APT. THAT NIGHT.
STEVE, Annie’s mid-thirties roommate, sits on the couch
shirtless and is enthralled by the show.
Noooo. That’s, that’s sooo smart.
Annie enters the apartment, tired. She throws her keys
down and sifts through her mail. Steve presses mute.
There you are, you stayer-out-all-
nighter. Did you make out? Sleep over?
As Annie heads for her bedroom, he walks towards her
Don’t go in the bathroom. Are you going
Yes. I’m beat.
Your ex-boyfriend got more mail, I did
what you said and just threw it away.
Thanks. Goodnight Steve!
She shuts the door behind her.
That credit lady called! She wants to
talk to you, Annie! She’s gonna find you.
Steve sits back on the couch, un-mutes the T.V..
ALLEN (ON SHOW)
This is where they bagged the animals
that didn’t make it through the testing.
We turned it into a cozy Moroccan reading
INT. ANNIE’S BEDROOM.
She sits on her bed grabs a â€œSounds to Relaxâ€ CD with a
post-it that reads, â€œLove, Momâ€. She plays it and lies
down. We hear a loud Tibetan woma’s voice wailing. NOT
relaxing. She turns it off and curls up on top of her
INT. JONI’S RESTAURANT. THAT FRIDAY NIGHT.
Annie and Lillian read magazines.
You’re right. God, she’s getting really
(quietly) Your boyfriend just walked in.
REVEAL: An orange-skinned BODY BUILDER with HUGE arms and
legs in a tiny muscle tank and shorts.
Oh my God! Look, he showed up with your
It’s a short grey-haired OUTDOORSEY WOMAN in hiking
boots. They laugh to themselves. Annie keeps reading.
Cool! They’re making a WKRP movie.
Here Annie, let me turn the page for you.
Lillian splays her hand over the magazine showing off a
sparkling DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING.
(playfully) I just want to help you turn
the page of your magazine for you…
Lillian! What is that?!
He proposed at dinner last night. I
wanted to tell you in person and show you
It’s beautiful. Lillian. Oh my God, this
is…this is crazy!
I know Dougie and I have been fighting a
lot, but I’ve been so stressed out with
That’s not I mean. I mean, I remember
when we met him at Lake Mills. You lost
your virginity to him right in front of
me on the dock, remember?
Oh you want to get into who’s done what
down at the lake?
No, I don’t. It’s just making me realize
how long we’ve known each other.
Well then, who better to be my Maid of
Oh my God! I don’t know what to say!
Annie, you’re my best friend. Honestly I
didn’t even have to think about it.
Uh, wow. Yes! Of course! Yes! My God.
I’ve never been in a wedding.
It’s no big deal, and I don’t want to
make it one. It’s not gonna be a big
crazy thing. I wanna keep it simple.
(beat) What dessert are you gonna get?
I know what you’re doing. Don’t downplay
this. I’m happy for you. And someday when
hell freezes over and I get married, you
can be my Maid of Honor. But for right
now, this is about you. OK? This is
you’re day, and it is a big deal.
Ok, but I still don’t want this to be a
huge production. I just want to have all
my friends meet each other, have fun,
dance, drink, whatever.
Then that’s what it’ll be. Did you guys
set a date?
Oh God, not yet. I don’t want a super
long engagement, but there’s a lot to do.
Well you are very fortunate because you
happen have the best maid of honor in the
whole wide world, and–
Lillian’s cell phone rings, she looks at it and smiles.
(mocking) Can you hold that thought. I’s
my fiancee calling.
Lillian gets up laughing. Annie laughs along with her.
Annie continues laughing alone. She looks around the room
as her smile disappears. She remembers…
FLASHBACK. EXT. LILLIAN’S COTTAGE. LAKE MILLS.- 1980 –
Annie and Lillian at 7 years old standing outside eating
Lillian Marie Donovan. Do you take your
husband, forever, to be your husband?
Lillian stands by a poster of Eric Estrada in his
C.H.I.P.s uniform that is taped to a tree.
I do. Do you Annie Lucille Walker, take
your husband, forever?
Reveal Annie standing next to a poster of John Baker from
And now we will leave on our honeymoon
The girls rip the posters off of the trees.
An old station wagon sits in the dirt driveway. They get
in the back seat, look straight ahead and just sit there.
END FLASHBACK – BACK TO RESTAURANT.
The madness has begun. Dougie’s parents
are having an engagement party for us
EXT. STREET/NEWSSTAND. NEXT MORNING.
Annie, in her jogging clothes, reaches for a wedding
magazine, but a woman’s magazine catches her eye. It
(looking around) Ooh, what’s this…
She finds the article. â€œHurry, before he gets away! Top
five ways to reel him in.â€
A HOT ATHLETIC GUY with his golden retriever is reaching
for a magazine. She can’t thing of what to say. She
remembers the magazine! It reads â€œ#1. A simple, flirty
working! Her cell phone rings, she tries to ignore it,
but it keeps ringing…
HELEN (ON PHONE)
It’s HELEN (early 30’s) Lillian’s bridesmaid and friend
from the tennis Club. She’s a tall leggy blond, all
smiles. East coast pretty with a lot of cream cashmere
turtleneck sweaters in her closet. She is sitting in a
cream colored living room on a huge cream couch with lots
of candles glowing.
Hiiii! This is Helen. I’m one of
Of course, Helen. Hi!
Congratulations on being selected.
Oh, thank you.
Annie, reads â€œ#2. Expose your best asset. ASAPâ€ She
panics, starts to elongate her right leg, points her toe,
flexes her leg, flips her hair. He seems confused but
politely smiles and goes back to his magazine.
Sorry, yes. Hi!
Maid of Honor!!
Yeah. It is quite an honor.
It’s the number one spot. So how many
times have you been in the B.P?
I’m sorry, the what?
I’ve never even been in a wedding before.
What!? I’ve never even heard of that.
Um, well, it should be fun.
Annie sees that the hot guy is leaving to pay for his
magazine! She readsâ€œ#5. Make a funny observational joke
that pertains to HIM. (ya know, LIKE SEINFELD!!] Men LOVE
and the golden retriever meet eyes.
Um Helen, can you hold on for a second?
Annie covers the phone and approaches the hot guy.
Hey, you’re dog’s really cute.
It’s kinda funny right? That when girls
are ugly, they’re called dogs, but dogs
Annie laughs. He half smiles but does not respond.
(beat) Well, some dogs are ugly. Some
girls are ugly. I know a lot of ugly
girls. But I’m not friends with them.
I’ve seen a lot of ugly dogs too. But
some people I know who are considered
dogs, you know, they have a good
personality, and are better looking to
people cuz of that. And people who are
not nice…that’s ugly to me. And female
dogs are called bitches, that’s weird.
I’m just kidding. It’s a joke. I have
The guy leaves. She hears a voice coming from her phone.
Helen! Sorry. Yeah um, I’m really excited
for all the wedding stuff and–
YAY! OK, I will get your e-mail from
Lilly with all of the other girls’
information, and when you respond to any
wedding related e-mails from now on, just
remember to hit â€œREPLY ALLâ€. Did you know
there are six of us?
Yeah, Lillian told me last night.
Well, can’t wait to meet you and hear
what your planning for the bachelorette.
Not yet. But they are coming, and I will
fill you in–
Oop! There goes my other line. See you
She realizes there might some research to do for this
â€˜bridal party’ thing. She instead grabs two wedding
Noticing a magazine by the register that reads â€(some bad
INT. ANNIE’S APARTMENT. LATER.
Annie at her desk reading the wedding magazines. She
Googles â€œMaid-of-Honor dutiesâ€. She clicks on a web-site
She presses â€˜print’, then notices it’s 120 pages long.
Email DING. She checks her inbox. 48 NEW MESSAGES.
â€œBridesmaids!â€, â€œSo excited to meet you!â€, â€œWedding
Bells!â€,â€œSuper fun!â€,â€Engagement party!â€ â€œHotel
Ratesâ€,â€œShoesâ€,â€œShower themesâ€œ â€œDoes anyone
have…â€,â€œCute Favor Ideasâ€,â€œFitness programâ€,â€œLingerie?â€
â€œSpecial thoughtsâ€ â€œPoem suggestions?â€ â€œInvite list for
showerâ€ â€œContact list for bacheloretteâ€ â€œMaking memoriesâ€
â€œFrench manicures?â€ etc.
Oh my God.
INT. ANNIE’S BATHROOM. DAY OF ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
Annie gets ready as she talks on speaker phone.
He probably didn’t see you, Mom.
INT. SCREENED IN PORCH. JUDY’S HOUSE
Annie’s mom, JUDY, (50’s) is on the phone while painting
a very lifelike portrait of Wynona Judd from a photograph
that’s pinned to it’s corner.
Oh, he saw me alright. He was married to
me for fourteen years, he knows what I
look like. I’m sure it was because BARB
was there. You know how jealous she gets.
Yeah, I’m sure that’s it mom.
Am I on speaker phone?
I don’t know how to talk this way.
Mom I’m running a little late so–
Oh, the engagement party. Lillia’s
getting married, I can’t believe how time
flies. You’re day will come dear.
Give Lillian a kiss for me please, and
tell Laurie and Ed I just could’t afford
the plane ticket, but I will be at the
I already told them, they understand.
BARB could afford to come. Did you know
what kind of car she drives now? A 2007
P.T. Cruiser. She looks ridiculous
parading all around Fort Myers in that
I don’t know how she gets in and out of
that little car with those big legs.
I should get going. I have long drive.
Oh and honey, I picked you up a couple of
things when I was at the Steinmart with
Janice so look for a package in the mail.
Mom I told you you don’t have to send me–
Oh stop. I love doing it. Ok? I love you
I love you too Mom. Bye.
They hang up. Annie walks to the kitchen.
Ok, how do I look?
Ooooh. You tryin to hook up tonight? A
lot of people do at these wedding things
you know so you have a good chance.
I like the black tights with the black
shoes, it’s very elongating.
Oh. Well, thank you.
But I think you need more dark up top to
balance it out, do have any black beads?
(looking at herself] That’s actually a
She starts to leave but sees a guilty look and some
frosting on Steve’s face. She looks over at her saran-
How many moonpies have you eaten? Tell me
Ok, now really tell me the truth. How
many did you eat?
They stare at each other.
EXT. HIGHWAY. LATER.
Annie is finally driving along. she hears sirens.
She pulls over. OFFICER RHODES approaches, chewing gum.
Good afternoon ma’am, You in a hurry to
get out of the city?
No. Was I speeding?
Is that even possible in this rig?
He finds this funny, Annie does’t.
You know funny thing about brake lights,
you’re supposed to have â€˜em.
Ooooh. Yeah. Mine are out.
Yeah, and you’re headin’ up Witches
Curve. That’s a risky move.
I’m sorry. I usually only drive in the
city and they’ve never pulled me over. To
tell you the truth, those lights have
been out for like a year.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy hot-dogger. That
is not something you wanna go
broadcasting to a police officer. I might
feel obligated to give you a yea’s worth
of tickets now.
What? No.. I-
You just admitted it.
Can you do that?
You admitted it. (beat) Yeah, I can’t do
Look, I’m really sorry. I promise I will
get the lights fixed tomorrow morning.
I’m kind of in a hurry. I’m going to my
best friend’s engagement party, I’m the
Maid of honor and so I really –
Oh, yeah. My little sister was just in a
wedding. She lost some of her hair from
Again, not funny.
Am I getting a ticket?
He searches for words. She’s cute and he wants to keep
her there. He keeps smiling. Awkward silence.
Uh, yeah. That’s what happens when you
break the law. Um…license and
He writes a ticket.
(searching for words) Ooo, I like that
air freshener. Did you get that at the
I don’t remember.
Smells like Christmas. (sniff) Yeah, it
smells like Christmas.
He rips the ticket off.
Well, here you go. And just so you know
it’s a just a fix-it ticket. So if you
get those lights repaired, you wo’t have
to pay anything.
Whoa, are those moon-pies?
(mumbling) Oh, those are my favorite.
Nothing. (mumbling) Those are my
Do you want one?
No. It’s too much trouble, they look all
She doesn’t get the hint. He really wants one.
Well, have fun at your party.
Annie drives off. He watches.
EXT -THE HUNT CLUB. CHICAGO SUBURB.
Annie, a little embarrassed, hands her keys to the valet
and grabs the moon-pies. She walks into an elegant
country club dining room, lively cocktail party. Music,
happy people, etc. She is greeted by Lillia’s mom,
Hi Mrs. Donovan!
Oh! And you brought your famous moonpies!
Laurie takes the tray.
Can you believe our Lillian?
I know, I’m so happy for her.
Well, clue me in. Is there anyone
special in your life?
That’s my girl. (whisper) Sleep around.
I’m serious. Travel the world and try all
the cuisine you can. You know what I mean
by that, right?
MARY, Laurie’s friend, approaches.
Laurie, where did you get that sweater?
It is one-hundred percent out-of-sight!
Shhh, I got it at Glory Gay’s.
Ooooh. I can’t even walk in there. The
blouses alone make my wallet open.
It’s worth it, though huh? Mary, I want
you to meet Lillian’s Maid of Honor.
Oh, very special job.
This is Annie Walker. She lived next door
to us in Milwaukee until the girls
graduated from high school.
Lil! It was nice meeting you Mary.
LAURIE (TO MARY)
Her father ran off to Florida with a
younger woman who was working at a
Poor Judy, never quite got over it. She
also ended up moving to Florida to take
care of her parents.
Oh, that is tough. Well it’s nice Annie
and Lillian have stayed friends.
They’re like sisters.
They continue gabbing as Annie rushes to Lillian. They
Hey! What’s up? Where’s Dougie?
Smoking a cigar with my dad. Le’s go
get a drink.
They weave towards the bar.
Hold on Dougie, we’re getting drinks!
They get to the bar and grab glasses of wine.
This place is so fancy. Dougie’s parents
Yeah. So does Dougie. This is the tennis
club I’ve been playing at.
Oh. Wow. I guess it’s not what I
pictured. Lucky you.
Tennis courts are tennis courts if you
ask me. But I have met a lot of really
cool people here. I can’t wait for you to
meet the girls.
Oh! So where’s this guy you were telling
Oh shoot, Matt’s not coming. I guess he
got back together with his ex or
something. Anyway, Dougie just told me.
There she is!
Dougie picks Annie up and swings her around.
Dougie, be careful. God, you reek!
He puts her down.
Annie, make sure when my fiance gets cold
feet you tell her what a great guy I am.
He grabs Lillian and kisses her on the cheek.
(waving the cigar scent away) Ugh. Wash
She gives in and kisses him. Then says to Annie..
Come on. Let’s go say hi to the rest of
the bridal party.
They approach LESLIE, Lillian’s cousin, late 30’s,
standing with her husband PAUL.
Leslie, hi! How are you guys?
Well, I just squeezed my third kid out
last month and I feel like I’m walking
around in a fat suit.
She swigs beer out of a bottle.
I keep telling her she looks great.
(beat) Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your
A 30 YEAR OLD AVERAGE GUY with a neckbrace stands behind
Annie. Paul goes to shake his hand. She stops him.
No, no. (to the guy) Hi. (to them) No.
Annie meets DANA who is with her husband Ernie.
Annie this is Dana, we met here in my
tennis class. Dana, Annie.
Hi! Dana Shig. Its so nice to finally
meet you Annie. I’ve heard so much about
you. This is my husband Ernie.
ERNIE has just put food in his mouth.
Don’t you just love weddings? I mean,
(she starts to cry) I just love like the
feeling and…everyone comes together you
know? And it’s forever! It’s a journey,
and WE get to go on it too!
Wow, that’s beautiful. I never thought of
it that way.
This is all so amazing. I’m going to make
a scrap book for Lillian.
Dana takes her camera out then reaches out her hand.
Hi. I’m Dana and this is my husband
Ernie. So…how did you two meet?
She refers to a bald man who looks like a chemistry
teacher, who is slowly walking by looking for someone.
No, I don’t know him. He’s not with me.
He’s just passing by. I’m not here with
BECCA stands very close to her husband KEVIN, a good
looking stockbroker type.
Lil! Is this Annie?!
Annie and Lillian walk over.
Hi Annie! I’m Becca. I’ve heard so much
about you. This is my husband Kevin.
So, are you so excited?! All of this
reminds me so much of my wedding.
Two months now! It was the best day of my
life. I’m married now! It’s like…I’m
just better now! It might sound weird
but… I feel legit. Just like, feminine.
Look at my nails!
Two beautifully french manicured hands with a HUGE 3
carat diamond ring.
Ooooops, where are my manners. Hi! I’m
REVEAL a very smart looking, older African-American MAN
standing next to Annie. He is wearing an ascot and
smoking a pipe.
The name’s Captain Arnold Dubois.
MEGAN is Dougie’s sister. An ODDBALL. She looks like she
might be at the wrong party. She is single and lovin’ it!
Annie! Hey! What’s up?
Megan! How are you?
I just got pins in my leg! I fell off a
Yeah. I was on a singles cruise. It was
I was port-side, having a drink with a
gentlemen and old Megan here decided to
show off and I tried to climb into one of
the lifeboats with my clogs on. I saw a
Wow. Well, I’m glad you’re OK.
Listen Annie. You’re single right? You
and I are gonna scam on guys this whole
time. You and I are gonna party and get
naked with guys. This whole time Annie,
Lillian re-appears, grabs Annie.
Ann, there you are!
Think about what I said Annie!
(to Annie) I’m saving you. Now I really
want to introduce you to Helen. looking
around) There she is.
In slow motion, a tall and gorgeous HELEN turns to us.
She wears a tight, cream-colored, floor-length evening
gown. Annie straightens her plastic beads.
Helen, this is Annie.
Hiii. This is my husband Perry.
Perry owns Atmospheria candles.
Oh, the Starbuck’s of the candle world?
Those are popping up on every corner.
Which one do you own?
All of them. It’s the family business,
his father started it.
Oh, wow, that’s pretty cule.
Yeah, yeah. Currently we dominate the
U.S. home illumination sector as a whole
and six out of seven homes in upscale
neighborhoods have one of our products,
including the club.
That is a lot.
Perry donated a few for tonight.
The room is all aflame.
So how do you like our club?
Yeah, I was just telling Lillian i’s
So you live in Milwaukee?
Yeah in the nice part. I work at
Harrington’s Jeweler’s. I love it.
I think I’ve heard of them.
It’s pretty well-known in the jewelry
world. It’s got like the biggest market
for all the jewelry they sell and ‘m
actually gonna be getting a promotion
Yeah, so I’m pretty excited about it.
It’s gonna be…pretty big. So, if you
ever need a discount–
You’re funny. Listen Annie,I know you
said you’ve never been in a wedding
before so I just want you to know that we
all have, especially me, so if you need
any help, don’t hesitate to ask.
LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER.
Groomsman DEAN finishes a speech. They are now in the
So cheers to you two, our last single
friends finally crossing over into the
world of marital bliss, welcome to the
Dana snaps a photo, crying. Helen approaches the podium.
Hello everyone. My name is Helen Harris
the Third, an honored member of the
bridal party. In honor of Lillian and
Dougie, I’d like to take this opportunity
to read a poem that I penned last summer
while I was sitting on a swing at an
exclusive resort in Santorini.
Annie whispers to the person next to her.
Am I supposed to give a speech?
As Helen reads, Annie looks around the room and sees
everyone in awe. Dana starts to cry. She reads from a
fancy sheet of stationary.
With every blink of an eye, every kiss of
a lip, every stroke of a lovers hand,
every…scent of a woman, every breath
you take, every move you make. Love
Annie sees that Lillian is touched. Helen gets emotional.
They say when you choose a mate, yo’re
choosing a best friend. Dougie, yo’re a
lucky man. Lillian, I know you’re going
to make a wonderful wife, because you
have been the best friend that I could
ever ask for.
Annie’s face goes blank.
I have never had a friendship like this.
I’m so happy you two are finally taking
this big step together and I ca’t wait
for all of the adventures that await us.
People are moved, sniffling. Including Lillian.
Now â€œDouglyâ€, sorry, inside joke. You
better not keep my Lil on a leash. I
still need my drunken nights at Rockin
Sushi! TO DOUGIE AND LILLIAN!!!
The crowd erupts with laughter and applause. People are
crying, hugging, and standing.
Thank you. Thank you! Now wher’s Annie?
Annie? Stand up Annie.
The room looks around. Annie slowly rises.
There she is. Annie is our Maid of Honor
everyone. And I’m sure she’d like to
take this time to say a few words. Annie?
Annie stands up to the applause. The room falls silent as
she walks to the podium.
Um, hello everybody. Hi everyone. ‘m
Annie. Wow, it really smells like vanilla
It’s the candles Annie.
Thanks Megan. Lillian this is gonna be
awesome. Um, uh, God, oh, oh, oh, what’s
Ayay, um, God, um, what is it? It’s a
good one, a good saying, it’s Irish. It’s
like a-like a toast. Is it Irish?
Something about a road…Oh God, ‘m
blanking. So I’ll just say I’m so happy
to be a part of this whole celebration
and happiness. You two are so happy
together and hope you have a happy
lifetime of happiness and celebrating.
And I love you and….Lillian, w’ve been
best friends since we were like 5…’ve
never been to Greece…
if she’s done. Annie sees Helen has moved over to sit
next to Lillian.
ANNIE (SINGING) (CONT’D)
â€œDid you ever know that you’re my
hero…You’re everything I wish I could
be..â€ C’mon you guys know the words.
Some people reluctantly sing along.
â€œI could fly higher then an eagle. For
you are the wind beneath my wings. Flyyy,
flyyyyy, so fly into the sky, so fly
until we touch up high–â€
EXT-COUNTRY CLUB. LATER.
Lillian and Annie are at the valet.
Oh my God, tell me I didn’t sing.
No, you sang.
They both laugh.
God, I don’t know, I was just maybe a
little out of my element, and after
I’m so embarrassed. What did you think of
your engagement party?
Besides the impromptu concert from Bette
Midler, it was perfect.
They laugh and hug.
I gotta go say bye to some people I do’t
know. Drive safe.
Lillian goes back inside. Helen appears out of thin air.
Annie! Great job tonight..
I’m feeling slightly mortified.
No, nononono. Not at all. Everyone gets a
little nervous and carried away during
those kind of things. So listen, ‘ve
been brainstorming some theme ideas for
Lillian’s shower. I was thinking
somewhere along the lines of Alice in
Wonderland meets…are you ready?
Hollywood. And for the bachelorette?
Aren’t I supposed to be planning some of
Oh, well, I hadn’t heard from you and–
She just got engaged two weeks ago.
Well, I figured since you don’t have any
experience that you might get overwhelmed
by events of this caliber.
Helen, I’m pretty capable. I think I can
A guest walks by and taps Helen.
Excuse me, you left your poem inside. You
have beautiful cursive.
The guest says nothing to Annie and walks away.
Annie, I didn’t mean I didn’t think you
couldn’t do it. I’m sure you are aware of
all your duties. We’ll see–we’ll see you
Helen walks away. A OLD LADY passes by her.
You’re very pretty.
Megan is running towards her with a piece of paper.
Annie wait! I wanna give you my numbers.
A place just opened up near my house.
From 4-7 every weekday, Karaoke, two
dollar wings and all you can eat MAN
sandwiches if you know what I mean.
Annie is nervous, starts biting her nails.
INT. â€˜SEXY NAIL’ NAIL SALON. NEXT DAY.
Your nail too short for french manicure.
(disappointed) Oh well…
That’s Ok. I fix for you. Make you sexy.
INT. HARRINTON’S. DONNA’S OFFICE. LUNCHTIME.
Donna and Annie are eating lunch in the break-room.
And then they put a solution in my eyes
to dilate them, which caused temporary
blindness and with the loss of my sight,
my hearing became bionic. Do you need
some help dear?
Annie struggles to open a bag of chips but her new ULTRA
LONG, french-manicured nail-tips are making it very hard.
No, I got it.
DONNA’S OFFICE. CONTINUOUS
Annie and Donna are doing inventory. Annie gets text.
Sorry… Well, it’s official. Lillian set
a date. October tenth. Why did I just get
a stomach ache.
Don’t be nervous. It’s not all on your
shoulders. Doesnt she have other
Yeah and they’ve all done this before so
I’m feeling a little pressure. I have to
make this really nice for Lillian.
I wish I could help. Weddings are a lot
different now then they were in my day.
They look at Donna’s wedding picture on her desk.
That dress is beautiful.
I still have it. I was hoping my daughter
Elizabeth would wear it but when she and
Alice had their â€œceremonyâ€ they both
wanted to wear suits. (beat) Ok, we need
two Shannisburg tennis bracelets.
Annie struggles to write with her nails.
Oops. Hold on a sec, hard to write…
They’re very long.
INT. SEXY NAIL. THAT NIGHT.
Hi. I need to make these shorter.
No, not sexy!
I know, it’s… I can’t work with them so
Okay. 7 dollar for file. No more sexy
Short nail is ugly.
INT. ANNIE’S BEDROOM.
Annie looks up different bridesmaid dress shops
EXT. â€˜OCCASIONZ’ BRIDAL SHOP. DAYTIME.
Here it is!
Ooh, Occasionz. I’m impressed.
Everyone this is Occasionz, supposedly
it’s you know, one of the best bridal
shops in town, so, that’s cool. Oh and
also, there’s a restaurant inside, so um,
I figured, we could maybe have lunch
after. So, let’s go!
She goes to the door. It is locked. She sees a buzzer.
Oh, I didn’t see that.
She presses the buzzer.
VOICE FROM INSIDE
Hi, we’re hear to see some bridesmaids
VOICE FROM INSIDE
What’s your name?
VOICE FROM INSIDE
(snotty) What’s the reservation name?
(to the girls) Oh, she must be talking
about the restaurant. (back into the
intercom) No, we’re here to look at
VOICE FROM INSIDE
I heard you the first time. So I take it
you don’t have a reservation for the
(whispers) You didn’t make a reservation?
Um, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t know I had to
make a reservation for that. Sorry!
Anyway, we’re all out here now and–
VOICE FROM INSIDE
The next available appointment for
bridesmaid fittings is in seven weeks and
we don’t take reservations over the
intercom so you’ll have to call.
VOICE FROM INSIDE
I’m sorry maybe you can’t hear me. I just
said a few seconds ago that we do’t have
a reservation for the next seven weeks.
VOICE FROM INSIDE (CONT’D)
And when you make your reservation do’t
forget you’ll also need to make an
(whispers) You didn’t make an
VOICE FROM INSIDE
No, I can hear you. Would it be possible
for you to make an exception for us
because we drove all the way out here and
I didn’t know about the reservation/
appointment thing so…
VOICE FROM INSIDE
Annie, we can go somewhere else.
No, no. I’ll work it out. Don’t worry.
This really is the best place though,
that’s the thing.
Listen, I know the–
(intercom] Hello, this is the manager?
We can fit you in seven weeks, that is
all we have available. We only take
parties that have a reservation and that
have made an appointment over the phone.
I’m going to ask you to not buzz in
again. Thank you. Byyyyyyye.
Helen approaches the intercom.
(irritated) Yes? Who is this?
Whit, it’s Helen.
Hi! Listen, I’m out here with a whole
bunch of girls and we had a little
miscommunication and our reservation-
appointment wasn’t made. Is there any way
to fit us in?
Say no more.
Buzzzzzzzz. The girls happily enter.
(sotto} Wow, thanks Helen.
INT. â€˜OCCASIONZ’ BRIDAL SHOP. DAYTIME.
Whitney and Helen are leading the girls down the hall.
Lillian and Annie tail the group.
Ann, don’t worry about it. We got in.
Annie sees racks of wedding dresses.
Hey, you want to sneak off and look at
the wedding dresses?
Oh my God. Annie, I didn’t tell you?
Guess who Helen is friends with? Lady
Lavonia Jean St. Petsois JuJu.
That famous wedding dress designer tha’s
in all those wedding magazines? As a
favor to Helen she’s going to design my
dress for almost nothing. Normally
they’re like twenty grand. She’s French.
Wow. That’s amazing.
I have to send my measurements to France.
Annie is a little disappointed.
INT. BRIDESMAIDS DRESS ROOM.
They all stand in a room stuffed bridesmaids dresses.
Lillian’s cell phone rings.
Surprise, surprise. It’s my Mom. Mom? Can
you hold on a second?
She covers the phone and talks to the girls.
Start looking at dresses. I’ll be right
back. I think maybe you guys should
decide anyway and pick out something you
like since you’re the ones wearing it.
Cool? (nodding) Have fun! What’s up Mom?
Ugh! They’re booked?
Lillian leaves talking to her Mom.
Ok ladies, start your (french) engines!
Shots of dresses being pulled off of the racks. Fighting
for the same dress, shirts coming off, dresses zipped up
the back and dresses not fitting, etc.
INT. ANNIE’S DRESSING ROOM
Annie loves the dress she has on. She talks to herself in
Hi I’m Annie. Can I get a martini? What
you mean you need to see I.D.? (giggling)
FANTASY. UPSCALE PARTY. LIKE AN OVERDRAMATIC PERFUME AD.
Annie, in the dress, is talking to the bartender.
Well, with that dress on you look
Annie laughs. And turns away right into, a GORGEOUS male
model in a tuxedo.
HOT MAN IN TUX
Excuse me, you dropped an earring.
An UNDERWEAR MODEL appears, in his underwear.
I’ll get it for her.
MAN IN SURGEONS SCRUBS
No I will!
MAN IN RED BATHING SUIT
I’ll get it! I’m a lifeguard.
Tons of men begin to yell and fight over her. The chaos
forces Annie to make a DRAMATIC EXIT from the CASTLE. She
runs down the stairs like Cinderella into the forest.
They men begin to chase her.
She runs through the trees out of breath, she is face to
face with a sexy, sweaty, lumberjack, wh’s chopping
wood. It’s CHRISTIAN BALE.
Hi. I’m Christian Bale. I’m just chopping
some wood, I like to do that between
They hear the voices of the men from the party screaming
Oh, Christian! I need a place to hide.
Quick, get inside my muscles.
CHRISTIAN BALE (CONT’D)
I love this sash.
They look into each others’ eyes, just about to kiss and–
INT. ANNIE’S DRESSING ROOM.
Helen has flung open Annie’s dressing room curtain,
putting an abrupt end to her fantasy.
She is wearing cream colored lingerie, showing off her
TOTALLY amazing body. Annie is uncomfortable.
Look at your cute little boobies. Ooh,
is that the dress you like?
Yeah. I think it will look good on
everybody, it has a sash–
A sash? Annie, this isn’t the Sound of
I told you Becca I can’t wear strapless!
Annie and Helen come out to see all the bridesmaids
Why don’t you two shut your traps? No
one’s going to be looking at us. Le’s
just get the one with the shawl, ‘m
always freezing at these things anyway.
I gotta say I’m still leaning towards the
one that I found.
It is a very ugly.
Well, what about this one?
Everybody stops and looks at Annie.
I think it would be flattering on
everyone and we could totally wear it
again. The sash comes in different colors
not just this one.
Everyone! We can’t all have the dress
that we want. I’ve been in a lot of
weddings and when choosing a bridesmaid
dress, you must ask yourself, â€œIf
invited, would I wear this a dress
to…The ACADEMY AWARDS!â€
Ooo, I never thought of it that way.
All the girls agree.
With that in mind, I say we wear this
Helen holds up a dress. The girls like it.
Or this one! People wear sashes to the
Academy Awards all the time.
Only if they’re nominated for the Sound
I think Lillian would like this one.
Well, I think Lillian would like THIS
Lillian walks in.
Hey! I’m hearing lots of excitement in
She touches Helen’s dress.
Oooo, I like this one. What about you
I love it. Right guys?
The girls all agree. Except Annie.
Cool. Let’s eat!
Helen dumps the dress in Annie’s arms and follows
I think it might look best in cream.
Ooh, good idea.
Well, that was easy.
The girls head back to change.
This dress is almost $500!
That’s not too bad/that sounds about
No, that’s what I’m saying. That’s a
EXT. â€˜OCCASIONZ RESTAURANT’ BRIDAL-THEMED CAFE. PATIO.
Andrea Bocceli music playing. Waiters in tuxes etc. The
girls sit at a beautiful table looking at men’s.
This place is kind of amazing. I did’t
even know it existed.
The southwestern cobb is really good. I
come here and eat sometimes.
Great, there’s a fly that really likes
They only have salads.
So Annie, what’s your deal? Are you
No, no. Not right now. I had a boyfriend
for three years but we broke up like six
Oh, I hate to hear stuff like that! What
It just didn’t work out.
Is that the guy who stole a bunch of
money from you and gave you an STD?
Lillian told me.
Annie shoots Lillian a look.
I’m sorry, I was just talking about you
cause I was worried about you and–
No it’s fine. But he didn’t steal the
money, I loaned it to him. And HPV is
really common right now.
Everyone looks around.
Around fifty percent of sexually active
men and women acquire HPV at some point
in their lives and by age fifty, eighty
percent of women will be infected with a
genital HPV infection.
About 6.2 million new cases of HPV affect
Americans each year.
Ew, it’s on the butter you guys. The
fly’s on the butter.
Well, I don’t have it.
Very few HPV infections show any signs or
symptoms. Therefore a lot of infected
people don’t even know they have it, yet
they transmit the virus to their sexual
Silent. Everyone is a little grossed out..
Anyway, it’s fine, the past is the past.
We weren’t meant to be. My last pap-smear
came back normal so that’s cule. But you
know, I’m dating, here and there…
Do you have anyone in mind to bring to
Oh, I didn’t even think about that.
Who needs a date? Just go stag and make
out with someone there.
If you wanna meet a nice man, Annie, you
should come to karaoke night at my
church. We sing hymns to rock beats!
Wait. I have the perfect guy for you
Annie. Mike Donahue. He went to school
Mike from the fourth of July last year?
Ooh, I’ve seen him Ann. He’s hot.
And Kevin said he just sold his company
for an embarrassing amount of money. But
he’s totally down to earth. You guys have
to meet. I’m texting Kevin right now.
I know Mike too.
Megan is digging a dead fly out of the butter.
The fly just committed suicide. Death by
Oh my gosh, if you guys got married you
could live out here and see us all the
Yeah, and then pop out a couple kids, sit
around and talk about nothing while your
vagina flaps in the wind like a wet paper
(sotto) Oooh, I didn’t know we were going
to hear that word at lunch today.
I was set up with Ernie. As soon as I met
him, I knew.
Yeah Annie, you never know.
EXT. HIGHWAY. ANNIE DRIVING BACK
Annie is lost in thought. She hears. Sirens.
What?! Come on!
She pulls over. Officer Rhodes approaches.
Well, look who it is.
I see your still driving around with
busted tail lights.
I’m sorry, money’s been tight and…I
forgot(laughing). You’re not gonna give
me another ticket for that are you?
Nah… The reason I pulled you over
today, is that–(searching) you were
driving too slow. Backing up traffic.
Yep. You were going ten miles under the
speed limit. That’s a moving violation.
It’s…underdriving. It’s in the books.
But, I’m just going to give you a warning
this time, but I do have to um…write
some stuff down on a piece of paper.
He begins to write. Beat.
Man I’m hungry. I’m doing the Master
Cleanse. You ever heard of it?
Cayenne pepper water for three days now.
It’s supposed to clean you out, make you
feel lighter. It’s working. The only
problem is I get so hungry. I just want a
big slab of ribs. You ever crave that
kind of stuff?
Don’t talk about cravings right now. I am
PMS’ing like crazy. It’s taking
everything in me not to stop and the
store and get like three kit-kats and a
bottle of wine. I’m so irritable right
They stare at each other out of awkwardness.
No, it’s OK, I’ve got three sisters. We
had tampons in the pencil drawer.
Sometimes my friends and I would say they
were cigars and smoke’em. (beat) Okay. I
have finished writing down the things I
need to write, on this paper. OH!
He hands her a business card.
This is a buddy of mine. Owns a body shop
in Milwaukee. Might be able to help you
out for a good price with those
taillights. I’ll write my name on here
so you can tell him who referred you.
That’s my name right there. In case you
forgot it from last time. It’s Nathan
Thanks. Annie. I’ll get those fixed. I
get paid next week. Bye!
She drives off. Rhodes wishes he had been more suave.
INT. HARRINGTON’S JEWELRY STORE. DAYTIME.
Trust me, I’ve been in the jewelry
business for a long time. Nothing says
â€œI’m sorry for your loss’ like a sterling
silver money clip.
An OLD WOMAN CUSTOMER looks at her stone-faced.
We also have yo-yos you can engrave. In
memory of…um, what’s your friend’s
The old woman walks away as Sandy approaches.
Paychecks. Here you go Annie.
She and Sandy open their checks.
Oh my God, I scored this week. ‘m gonna
buy Sharita a new Panasonic telephone.
It’s cordless and has intercom. What
about you Annie?
I’m gonna pay for a cream-colored gown
that I’ll never wear again.
INT. ANNIE’S BEDROOM
Annie is on the phone as she gets ready for her date with
Help me! I can’t find anything to wear
for my date with Mike tonight.
I don’t know. Shoot, I can’t talk now.
I’m with Helen and we have a conference
call with Lady Lavonia Jean St. Petsois
JuJu about my dress. Ugh. I’m so sorry.
She’s calling! I gotta go. Have fun!
Lillian hangs up. Steve walks in.
That credit lady called you again. I told
her you were at the tailors.
Listen, I’m going on a date. This? (holds
up a dress) or this? (what she’s wearing)
I don’t like those pants.
What’s wrong with’em?
They give you four corners.
Annie’s not following.
It’s when a girls butt looks like it has
four corners. It’s not a good thing.
Shit. These are my only clean pants.
Do you have a tube skirt?
Wait. If you stand like you are right now
facing that angle, it looks good.
She looks in the mirror again, grabs her bag and leaves.
INT. THAI RESTAURANT. THAT NIGHT. BAR AREA.
Annie sits next to Mike Donahue. He is tall, dark and
handsome. They have cocktails.
I’m not an expert in corporate real-
estate but I’ve always been interested in
it. So, yeah I totally agree.
Mike smiles, he is cute!
I have to admit, I told Becca ‘m not
really keen on set-ups. I know i’s
early, but so far so good.
And thanks again for coming from
Milwaukee, I know it’s quite a drive.
I can do that drive in my sleep these
Next time maybe I’ll come to you.
You have got great teeth.
Thank you. I brush’em every day.
She flashes her teeth. The hostess comes up.
Your tables ready.
Mike guzzles down his cocktail as they read their menus.
Well, I don’t know about you but since
we’re at a Thai restaurant, I’m gonna try
Mike laughs at his own joke and continues drinking.
So, Becca tells me you play a lot of
I try to squeeze in a game now and then.
We should play sometime.
Oh, yeah I haven’t rea–
Yeah, my game’s pretty solid. I did win a
couple tournaments at the club. I tend to-
Jesus Christ! (whispers) It smells like
B.O. in here huh? I think it’s the
A very effeminate waiter brings them their drinks.
Here ya go. I’ll be back to take your
order in two secs. I’m swamped!
Whoa, get a load of our waiter. ‘m
surprised he didn’t put pink umbrellas in
Annie laughs, but is a little uncomfortable.
Mike laughs. Annie is HORRIFIED. Mike swigs from his
Seriously, AIDS is crazy. You do’t have
it do you?
(singing) Neither do I…
He raises his eyebrows up and down at her.
Annie hasn’t touched her food. He’s eating with his hands
and drunk. Other patrons are beginning to stare.
So I started to get a little chub, you
know what that is. How could I not with
those huge canteloupes waving in my face.
Anyway, I looovee massages, am I right?
As he’s laughing he lets out a huge burp.
(still laughing) Whoa-ho! Excyuuuuse me!
I got that from Steve Martin.
Still laughing, he pats his pockets.
Oh shit. I forgot my wallet.
EXT. MINI-MART. LATER THAT NIGHT.
Annie’s car pulls up.
INT. MINI MART
Annie is on the phone, looking at the herbal drinks.
â€œCalmâ€ â€œFocusâ€ â€œSex Appealâ€ â€œLeanâ€. She finally picks
â€œCalmâ€. RHODES appears holding a bag of mini carrots.
Hey, it’s me, I just had to tell you
about my night. Oh my God. Call me.
Annie Walker. I thought I heard your car
Very funny, Officer…Jones?
Jones? Oh boy. Guess somebody thought he
was a little more memorable than he was.
No. Sorry. I’m a little out of it. I’m
That’s ok. Call me Rhodes. (notices her
drink) Trying to get â€œcalmâ€?
Yeah. Recovering from a date.
Finish your cleanse?
Yeah, trying to wean myself back to the
really bad foods I like eating.
EXT – MINIMART. CONTINOUS.
Thanks for the drink. (beat) So are you
one of those cops that sits in that same
spot everyday and sneaks up on people?
A lot of people get up to high speeds on
this road. I tell people its better to
pay for a ticket than have your family
pay for a funeral.
That’s a very good point.
Want a carrot?
Yes. I’m starving.
They are leaning on the back of his car eating carrots.
Ew! What is this?
Annie pulls out a very dry, warped discolored carrot.
Oh, you got the ugly carrot.
There’s one in every bag. You should eat
No. I think you should eat it. The’re
He goes to eat it. She grabs it out of his hands.
No, no! Don’t eat it! EW!!!
She throws it on the ground.
He picks it up.
INT. RHODES’ POLICE CAR.
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to get of
out a restaurant faster in my life.
Yeah, I don’t go on blind dates. It seems
I have no idea what am I going to tell my
friends who set us up.
Just tell her the truth.
Yeah. You’re probably right.
Now Rhodes and Annie are driving in his police car.
It’s an ok job. It’s commission, so it’s
unpredictable. I don’t know, I always
wanted to finish my bachelor’s but that’s
kind of financially impossible right now.
Plus I’d feel like ninety around all
those college students.
You know my dad used to say that life is
like a hallway of doors. You can stand at
the same door forever if you want. Or you
can open a different door. And that one
may not be the right door, but i’ll open
up a whole new hallway of doors. Anyway,
it worked for me. I was kinda lost and I
opened a door and the next thing I knew I
was a cop. And I love my job.
Hmm. I think I get it?
Or you can always sell moon-pies by the
side of the road.
It’s a joke. You had moon-pies in your
car the first time I pulled you over.
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT COUNTER. LATER
They are waiting in line.
When I get married I don’t want the kind
of wedding people have these days. I want
it to be like a carnival. You know dunk
tanks? People win prizes…
Yeah, and you can have elephants, trapeze
artists and a big scale to guess the
Ok, first of all that’s a circus wedding
and I’m talking about a carnival wedding.
Sorry. (to clerk) Yeah I’ll have the
number four, and can you make that Super
They are sitting in the restaurant, mouths full of
And then she moved to Hawaii and now
lives with a guy who sells shaved ice.
And supposedly she has really long armpit
hair now. That’s pretty much the last
girlfriend I had.
Well, lets just say my last boyfriend
that I lived with broke up with me over
the phone. Then come to find out, he had
borrowed $30,000 in my name without
telling me, putting me in horrible debt
that I’m still paying off. Because I
can’t find him.
Wow. You win.
ANNIE’S CAR. CONTINUOUS.
Annie in her car, engine running.
Oh my gosh. It’s twelve thirty! I should
Oh, before you go. There is something I
want to give you. I was gonna wait but, I
think you’ll want this now.
He jokingly gives her the ugly carrot.
Well I know you’ve had a terrible night.
He gives it to her. Her phone rings.
Sorry, one sec. Hello? Ted!? Hey! Oh my
gosh! No,no. Can you hold on a sec?
She waves at Rhodes and mouths…
I guess I’ll see you around?
Yeah. Don’t forget about those
taillights. They’re really starting to
K. Bye.(to Ted) So, you’re in town?
EXT – TED’S HOUSE. NEXT MORNING.
He opens the front door, leading Annie out again.
Next time I won’t call so late.
No, it was fine. Like I said, I mean I
was just driving.
Awesome. It’s cool that we can just
hookup and whatever. No strings.
Me too. I love it. I feel good right now.
EXT. GAS STATION. CONTINUOUS.
Annie pulls in, her tank is way passed empty. She looks
in her purse frantically.
Shit!! No! No! I left my fucking credit
card at the restaurant! Shit!
She picks up her phone and dials.
Hi, Donna, it’s Annie. Um, sorry but I
just ran out of gas and I’m gonna be a
little bit late. Yes, I know, ‘m really
sorry. I will get there as soon as I
can. I promise, I’m so sor—hello?
INT. HARRINGTON’S JEWELRY STORE.
Annie comes running onto the floor putting her tie on.
Annie, hi! I almost left, but they said
that you were coming and that you were
Helen is standing there looking gorgeous.
I had to come into Milwaukee for a
charity luncheon right down the street
and I thought I’d come in and say hi.
And as the leader of the bridesmaids, I
thought it’d be fun to pick up some
little gifts for all the girls.
Leader of the bridesmaids? Um, wouldn’t
that technically be me? Honor?
Well, no, sweetie, you’re the Maid of
Honor, and we’re all bridesmaids, and out
of all of us, I’m the leader. Anyway, it
doesn’t matter. Um, I wanted to get
something that we could wear to the
rehearsal dinner or something. That would
be fun. Where are the diamonds?
Oh, well, what about a nice pen..or a
tortoise-shell handled sterling silver
letter opener? No? Ok, let me get Sandy.
Oh! And Annie we really need to start
planning the bachelorette.
Yes. Yes. I’m on it. Got some ideas. So
I’ll let you know.
INT. ANNIE’S APT. THAT NIGHT.
Annie arrives home from work frazzled to find Steve on
the couch watching the same Home Improvement show.
Wow, well I have never seen a
transformation like this. This old tour
bus is stunning.
GIRL ON SHOW
Unbelievable. (to Annie) You got another
package from your mom.
Hey thanks for saving my butt today. Like
I said I’ll pay you back as soon as I
She opens the package. And pulls out a red blazer.
No problem. But you should always put gas
in when it gets to a quarter tank.
Especially cause you have such a shitty
Thanks. Can I ask you a question? What do
you think of Vegas?
Ooo. Let me turn this off. Vegas is a
black hole but I must have it in my life.
Does that make sense?
I’m just asking because some of the girls
are talking about going for Lillia’s
bachelorette party and I’ve never been.
Oh no. Now I don’t know about weddings.
When you go on a bachelorette, does the
No, everyone pays for themselves. And you
pay for the bride.
Ok, I’m gonna say no. You cannot afford
that. Vegas is not cheap. Airfare,
hotels, food, cars, drinks, clubs, show
tickets. Remember this morning? You
cannot afford Vegas.
Well, I could save up for it.
No, you need to win a contest to go to
Vegas/You had gum for lunch yesterday.
Ooh, â€œNight Moves.â€ Can I have this?
A lightbulb goes off in Annie’s head. Steve holds the
blazer out and reads the tag.
Told you I’d pay you back!
Annie runs into her room. She sits down at the computer
and begins typing feverishly.
We see these words: â€œDear bridal partyâ€, â€œgreat ideaâ€,
â€œbachelorette partyâ€, â€œFloridaâ€, â€œSea World!â€, â€œFree
place to stay!â€. She presses send, and is very pleased.
The phone immediately rings.
Helen is dressed in cream under a cream blanket. All
around her is a ridiculous amount of white glowing
candles. There are too many flames.
I just got your e-mail. Um…Sea World?
Well it’s not just Sea World. It’s a
weekend in Florida. See, when Lillian and
I were kids we went there and she loved
it and has always talked about going
back. Ask Dougie. I think it would really
mean a lot to her. We could stay at my
Dad’s house, he won’t even be there. Then
we could go out at night and got to the
beach and then Sea World on one of the
But a bachelorette at Sea World?
Like I said, Sea World would just be a
part of it.
Well, I have been talking to the other
girls, and I was thinking we should go to
Annie’s other line rings.
Oh, can you hold on? That’s my other
She clicks over.
Hi, Annie. It’s Becca.
Becca, in her shabby-chic home office paints a front
porch sign that says â€œThe Whitman’sâ€
I was just looking at your e-mail, yo’re
so cute. Sea World. What about Turkey?
That’s where we went for for MY
Oh well, Turkey’s really far away.
It’s super old though! They have awesome
restaurants. It’s very exotic. Have you
ever seen Aladdin? It totally looks like
Annie clicks back over to Helen.
Helen, I’m sorry can I call you back?
Just a few minutes. I’ll call you back.
Annie clicks over.
Hi. You know, if you wanna go some place
closer than Turkey. Helen JUST e-mailed
me about going to Vegas.
Oh, I don’t know. Everybody always goes
to Vegas. It seems just cliche to me.
I never get sick of it. I love blackjack.
I have a system.
Annie’s other line.
Oh, my other line’s ringing. Can I call
Annie clicks over.
Annie, it’s Dana!
Of course it is..
Dana is on her porch swing drinking lemonade.
I love your idea about Sea World.
Yeah, but then Helen just called me and
said we should go to Vegas.
But Vegas is so hot, don’t you think?
It’s like, hot and dry. People get sick
there all the time.
I haven’t had that experience. My skin
always clears up there.
Yeah, I just think it’s probably not–
Hold on. (clicks over) Hello?
Annie, it’s Megan.
Megan is at work, in front of a wall of computer and
television screens. It is a technical haven, looks like
I can’t talk right now, but I was
thinking for the bachelorette, something
more along the lines of a personal
challenge weekend. Have you ever heard of
the Nevada Project?
Leslie in her Sopranos style living room on a treadmill.
Her kids run around.
I gotta be honest. I’ve been married for
nine years, this may be the last
bachelorette party of my career and I
want the sweaty nuggets of a gay man
pounding me in the face at some point
during this trip. I’ll pay whatever I
have to pay. (to the kids) Tyler stop it,
put that back! Paul!
QUICK CUTS BETWEEN:
Vegas has these party busses that have
flat screens in them and dance floors–
Or we could take hummer limos around
That sounds really expensive.
Oh but it’s gonna be so much fun! Besides
money shouldn’t be a problem if Lillian’s
Oh no, no, I was just thinking about
everyone else. That’s all I’m saying.
What I’m saying is, they drop you off in
the middle of the desert. You have to
kill your own food and find your way
back. Not everyone makes it. Seriously.
Seriously. I want balls in my face.
So I think Vegas is a good idea.
I agree with Helen. Vegas.
Oh, you know what else is in Nevada?
Vegas it is.
(on the phone) Holy Shit Annie! We’re
goin’ to Vegas!
INT – JEWELRY STORE. DAY.
(eating a cookie)
No can do, I need all my shifts. ‘m
trying to save up and take my lady to
Please, one day a week, just for a little
while. I’ve already asked everybody else.
I really need the money.
Sorry. My hands are tied. Sharita’s got
my dick in a chip-clip.
That’s alright. I understand.
Mmm. Mm. These are the best peanut butter
titties you ever made.
They’re called peanut butter kisses.
That’s not what they look like.
The bridesmaids sit in first class. In the distance,
Annie’s head pops up from her seat in row 3O of coach.
EXT. AIRPORT. LAS VEGAS.
The girls wait by the curb with their luggage. Megan
appears next to Annie.
Here we are. The city of lust. Annie, do
you know how many men are looking for
trouble in this town right now? We are
gonna nail it down. We should tell
everybody we’re twins cause guys looking
up with twins!
Yeah, I’ve heard that. Ok everybody! You
guys, hey we’re here, we’re in Vegas!
Lillian walks up.
Annie, come here. Why didn’t you tell me
you weren’t sitting with us?
Oh, it’s no big deal. I didn’t want to
blow all my money on a first class
ticket. I’m here though, right?!
I’m so excited!
Ok, you guys, gather around. Welcome to
Lillian’s bachelorette party! We should
probably get a bunch of cabs and head to
our beautiful hotel, The New Marquis
As Annie’s talking, a limo pulls up behind her. â€œThe New
Marquis Royal Suites.â€
Lillian, look what’s happening.
Oh my God. You guys, is this for us?!
I got a limo from the hotel.
We’re in Vegas! Yaaaay!!
They all pile into the limo, excitedly talking.
Ok, everyone just get in the car. Got a
ride to the hotel. It’s taken care of.
(from inside the limo) Sit by me, Annie!
EXT. THE NEW MARQUIS ROYAL SUITES. LATER
The girls’ excited talking continues into the lobby.
This hotel is amazing! You guys!
Come on Lillian, you’re staying with me
in the master suite. It’s all set.
Oh! Okay! Then party in room 812 in one
hour! (waving her key)
UPSTAIRS. HOTEL HALLWAY. CONTINUOUS.
Girls get off the elevator, giddy with excitement. Annie
gets back into the elevator.
Uh! Shoot! I left my sunglasses
downstairs. Ugh! Where’s my head?
EXT. HOTEL. CONTINUOUS.
Annie sneaks out, rolling her bag. She catches a cab.
EXT. HOTEL RICK. LATER.
Cab pulls up to a tiny broken down building. A sign reads
â€œHotel Rick. Vacancy. Some T.V.s.â€ An old man rides a
bicycle in circles in the parking lot, smiling.
INT. HOTEL RICK. CHECK-IN DESK.
Lobby is very outdated. Wood panel walls etc., The hotel
brochure is on the desk. It is probably the picture she
saw online, it does NOT look the same. The clerk enters.
Hi, I have a reservation for Walker.
RICK, an East Indian man, stands behind the desk in front
of a large portrait of himself, posed exactly as he is
now, with the same outfit. He holds the pose, smiling.
Okay, two nights?
Rick waits for her to notice the painting, but she never
Do you want towels?
Do you need sheets?
No pillow though, ok?
Annie just stares at him.
INT. THE NEW MARQUIS ROYAL SUITES
The door opens to reveal a gorgeous huge feminine suite.
HELEN AND LILLIAN
(gasp) OH MY GOD!
INT. HOTEL RICK. ANNIE’S ROOM
Annie opens her door holding unfolded sheets and towels.
The room is very ugly, bare mattress, lots of brown.
Oh my God.
INT. THE NEW MARQUIS ROYAL SUITES
Megan and Leslie stand in their grande bathroom. Hot tub,
plush towels, flat screen T.V. Candles burning.
Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this.
INT. HOTEL RICK. ANNIE’S BATHROOM
There’s an old toothbrush and comb by the dirty sink, a
pair of athletic socks hanging over the shower rod where
a curtain should be. There is a cat staring at her.
INT. THE NEW MARQUIS ROYAL SUITES
Dana and Becca open their curtains revealing a
spectacular view. They scream and jump up and down.
INT. HOTEL RICK.
Annie opens up her curtains to a back lot. Something is
on fire! Rick tries to put it out. The old man rides by.
(screams in shock)
INT. THE NEW MARQUIS ROYAL SUITES. THAT NIGHT.
Annie stands outside room 312. She is dressed more
preppy than she’s ever looked. She knocks on the door.
Becca opens it. We see disco lights and hear rap music.
There are shirtless male waiters, penis balloons and a
slide show of naked men. The room looks like a sex club.
The girls are dressed like borderline prostitutes.
Oooh, Annie’s here!
Isn’t this amazing?
Lillian runs over and hugs Annie, wearing a condom veil
and drinking out of a penis straw.
Annie! I wanna see a drink in your hand
in one minute!
Lillian pulls Annie into the room. Helen is getting off
of the phone.
Ok you guys, change of plans. The Velour
Cobra had an opening at 9 so I got us a
dinner reservation. Isn’t that radical?
Oh. Yeah. Cool. Alright
Everyone raises their glasses. The night has begun.
INT. THE VELOUR COBRA. CLUB RESTAURANT -LATER THAT NIGHT
Annie is concentrating on the bill.
Okay, mine was…great, got it.
Becca scoots in next to her.
Annie, I didn’t get a chance to ask you,
how was your date with Mike? Give me all
Oh, um, we had dinner.
Do you think you’ll go out with him
again? He told Kevin he thought you were
really great and hot.
(from her end of the table) Hey wha’s
the damage down there?
Oh, I got it right here, I figured out
what I owe so, should I just pass it
Why don’t we just all split it? It’s so
Yeah/Just split it/Who cares?
Yeah, it’s probably just easier…just
Here, let me see it. Ok.. .It’s a hundred
each plus tip.
(sotto) I had soup and ice water.
Plus we’re paying for Lillian…everyone
just put $125.
(sotto) No alcohol…or any real food.
It’ll all even out by the end of the
How does it even out? How does that
Everyone, including Annie, puts in their money. Helen
moves over to Annie.
Thank you everybody!!
Annie, don’t tell Lillian, it’s a
My friend Sean Michael works for a
promotional company and they’re having
this big event tonight at Tara Rei’s
stepbrother’s Club, Sacrifice.
I think it should be our first stop. H’s
reserving seats for us in the VIP
section. It’s a $150 cover and there’s a
one bottle champagne minimum of $750 per
table, he said people from the Real World
go in there all the time.
I thought we were going to the Jungle
Lounge after this.
We are. After that.
Oh…um…wow. Awesome. Here’s the thing
I was going to stop by the hotel, the
Marquis Suites. I think I ate something
weird on the plane probably, my stomac’s
Oh, well we’re only gonna be there for an
hour or so, you can just meet up with us
I’ll just text you when we’re getting
ready to leave. I hope you feel better.
Lillian comes up already a little tipsy.
Ok, Leslie spilled the beans. Le’s get
our asses over to Sacrifice.
What are we waiting for? Wooooooo!
Lillian looks at Helen’s legs.
Whoa whoa. Helen, turn around. Are those
those Ransom Jeans?
Don’t tell Perry I bought them,I ordered
them from New York. They’re insanely
expensive. But I gotta tell you guys the
compliments I get on my ass make them
worth every penny.
She sticks her butt out. Lillian slaps it and all the
girls laugh. She is the life of the party.
EXT. RESTAURANT. CONTINUOUS
A party bus pulls up. As the doors open, dry ice pours
out. Inside there’s a disco ball, dance poles, crazy
lights. The girls all scream and run onto the bus. With
the commotion, no one notices that Annie stays behind.
INT. CASINO. LATER.
Annie enters casino alone, sadly weaves through the slot
INT. PARTY BUS
â€œMy Prerogativeâ€ by Bobby Brown comes on VERY LOUD making
conversation difficult. Lillian looks around for Annie.
Oh my God, Annie our song! Wher’s Annie?
I don’t know!(to Helen) Where’s Annie!
She’s meeting us later!!!
(to Lillian) Oh. She’s meeting us there!
I don’t know! Why?
Annie HAS DIARRHEA!!
Is she okay?! Should I call her!?
She’s fine! She’s gonna meet us in an
hour, it’s all set! (to the other girls]
ANNIE HAD REALLY BAD DIARHEA!
They continue partying, drinking, dancing.
Annie passes four fun college age party guys at a craps
No, no, no wait. Wait. (to Annie) Hey,
will you roll for me? Can she roll for
Only if she’s playing.
Me? What do I have to roll?
Anything but a seven or eleven, as many
times as you can. What’s your name?
I’m Dave. This is Brian, Brian and Mark.
Ok Annie, do your thing.
Annie rolls a four. The guys all cheer.
Annie rolls again, another four. She laughs.
Yeah, four! Holy shit, two fours. One
more time, third time’s a charm!
Annie rolls again. Another four. She ca’t believe it!
Four! Ahhhhhhhhh! (giddy laughing)
Annie! Annie! Annie!
Annie gets a text message.
Oh, hold on. You guys, my phone.
No cell phones at the tables m’am.
Its a casino rule.
I’ll go outside then.
No, you gotta play the game out. You have
to finish your roll.
She continues to roll all fours. The guys scream.
EXT. CASINO. A HALF HOUR LATER.
The guys are carrying Annie on their shoulders, cheering
for her. She is laughing..
Ok, guys put me down, put me down. Whoa,
that’s my breast.
She reads a text message from Helen. â€œWe’re leaving
Sacrifice. It’s boring. Meet us at the Jungle Loungeâ€
It was nice meeting you guys. I gotta go.
What do you mean? Where are you going?
I’m here with a bunch of friends and ‘m
supposed to meet them at this club.
We love clubs! We’ll come with you.
Come on, we’ll get your cab.
As the cab drives away, we hear:
BRIAN 1 (O.S.)
Dude, we gotta get Brian some food asap.
I’ve seen that look before.
INT. CAB. PARKING LOT IN FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. LATER
Everyone eats huge burgers including the driver (not
Annie, she is annoyed!)
You guys almost done?
Sorry we haven’t eaten all day.
I have NEVER seen a drive-thru line like
It’s because of the concert.
They continue eating.
The cab is pulled over, all the guys are outside, peeing.
Annie gets a text from Lillian. â€œThe Jungle Lounge is
awesome! We need to dance. P.S. It’s RAINING in here!
WHERE ARE YOU? Xoxo Lilâ€
She texts back, â€œOn my way!â€
A huge fist fight is going on in the car, yelling etc.
Traffic has stopped.
How much further?
Do you think I know? How do you think I
EXT. JUNGLE LOUNGE.
Annie and the guys get out of the cab.
Oh, shit. We can’t go into this place. We
got kicked out last night.
Hey, what’d I tell you guys?!!!
Whoa, it’s ok, we’re just goin next door!
Oh, Annie, here’s your cut of the craps
money. Eight hundred bones.
You won big for us tonight. Buy your
friends a round of drinks and come next
Yeah, bring your friends.
Woohoo/Yeah/ The Roller!/Annie!
They all high five. Annie turns to bouncer.
Hi. One please?
Here ya go.
INT. JUNGLE LOUNGE.
Annie walks through the club. She calls Lillian. No
answer. She gets a a drink. Time passes. Her phone rings!
Are you ok?
Yeah, I’m fine. I’m here! Where are you?!
What do you mean here, where?
I’m at the Jungle Lounge, where are you
guys? This place is huge!
Listen I can’t hear you! We had to leave
the Jungle Lounge, Becca–
Meet us at the–
INT. PARTY BUS.
Loud music. Lillian tries to call Annie back. Annie tries
to call Lillian back. They both get voice-mails. Annie
gives up. It starts pouring rain on her inside the club.
Everyone jumps up and screams with excitement. Thunder!
Me Tarzan, you Jane. It’s time for the
dance spotlight. If it lands on you, you
gotta shake it!
The spotlight immediately lands on a soaking wet Annie.
She dances very angrily. Jungle dancers dance very close
to her and put vines around her neck.
INT. BAR NEXT DOOR
Annie walks in.
Yeah, she’s back/ the Roller!/ Yeah!
What happened to you?
I don’t even know.
Roller, I can’t stand seeing you like
this. (to bartender] Get this fine lady a
I’ll have two lemon drops.
INT BAR. HALF HOUR LATER.
Annie and Dave are wasted.
That’s what I’m saying. Some people have
everything and others have just little
bits of things. It’s not fair. I don’t
get it…..I mean I think I hate Helen.
I hate Helen.
That is the sexiest think anyon’s ever
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM. HOTEL RICK.
In the dark, Annie and Dave are passionately making out.
Knocking things over, etc.
I hate Helen.
NEXT MORNING. ANNIE’S HOTEL ROOM
The cat jumps on the bed and meows. Annie opens her eyes
to see Dave sleeping. She notices his college tattoo on
his arm (tasmanian devil with a lacrosse stick?).
Hi. Sorry I fell asleep while we were
making out. I guess I was pretty tired.
Its ok. Sorry I gave you a hickey.
There’s a knock at the door. Annie opens it to reveal
NICOLE, (20), pretty and sweet.
Is Dave here?
Nicole!? Hey, Nic.
This is a surprise.
Brian 1, Brian 2 and Mark appear in the doorway as well.
Dude, I’m sorry. She made us bring her
She said you have her fake I.D..
Yeah and I couldn’t go anywhere last
night. I tried calling you fifty fucking
times. And YOU? You were what, hooking up
with this fossil?!
First of all-
Shut the fuck up or I will kick your ass
Ok, that is not nice.
And what are you forty?
No, I’m in my low thirties…(under her
breath) and you could never kick my ass.
What did you say?!
(timid) You heard me.
Annie immediately gets punched in the face. Annie is
shocked and swings back, hitting Nicole in the face.
She’s proud of herself. Nicole’s two friends enter and
jump on Annie. HUGE GIRL FIGHT.
EXT. HOTEL RICK. FIVE MINUTES LATER.
Annie is outside of the hotel. Guys are pulling the girls
off of Annie.
Baker Community College bitch!
The girls leave in victory. Dave turns and mouths to
Annie â€œI’m sorry.â€
INT. ANNIE’S HOTEL BATHROOM.
She frantically tries to cover up her HUGE hickey and
evidence of the fight, with make-up. She remembers a
small cowboy print tablecloth from the other room and
wraps it around her neck like a scarf.
INT. THE NEW MARQUIS ROYAL SUITES. BUFFET TABLE
All the girls are hung over and eating. Annie arrives.
Whoa. What are you, going to a rodeo?
Annie, you missed it. I scammed all night
last night. I met this guy named Darwin.
He works for Cingular. He had a friend.
What happened to your face?
Yeah, why are you wearing all that
It’s covering up bruises, cuts and a
hickey. I got into fight with a community
college student and her friends because I
spent the night with her boyfriend after
spending the entire night trying to find
I was trying to find YOU. I tried to call
you all night!
Well, I-(to Lil} Can I talk to you for a
Annie takes Lillian away.
What is going on? You told Helen you were
I wasn’t sick. Helen told you that
because… I couldn’t afford to go with
Why didn’t you say something?–
Lillian, we’re going to be late for our
Helen, can you just give us a minute?
I’m just saying, we’re gonna be late. I
don’t wanna be rude.
That’s funny. You know what? As the Maid
of honor, which is what I am and what you
are not, I am asking you to just give us
Excuse me Annie.
No, excuse me!
Annie take it easy.
I need to take it easy?
Annie, if it makes you feel any better
(getting emotional] I got slapped last
Here we go…
By this huge girl. She was a working in
the bathroom. I just… I didn’t cut in
line. I didn’t! She chased me!
Becca it’s over.
Annie, she looked like Popeye.
She lives here! She lives in Vegas.
You’re not going to run into her. Just
shut-up about it.
Guys stop! Please! Annie, I’m so sorry
about last night. I feel horrible. I want
to hear everything that happened.
Tonight, you’re not leaving my side.
We’re hittin’ the strip club all of us
and we’re going to put this shit behind
The girls agree. Dana rubs her arm.
Oh your arm does not still hurt.
INT. FANCY CASINO SHOPPING MALL. LATER.
Bridesmaids window shop. Something in a fancy boutique
catches Annie’s eye, she smiles. Ransom jeans.
INT. STRIP CLUB. THAT NIGHT
The ladies sit at the front row tables.
What can I get you ladies?
First of all , we’re gonna need some ones
over here. Here’s a hundred. Keep twenty
A siren goes off.
Good evening ladies, and welcome to
Thunderbird. Our first male entertainer
has been roaming the prairie for many,
many lonely nights…
A horse winnies. Ladies scream.
Here he is…looking for a sweet lady to
keep him company under the stars…say
hello to Cowboy Ron!
A male stripper comes out on a cardboard horse, humping
looking for someone. The room goes wild.
There he is ladies looking for that
special woman, looking for his
briiide…And I believe the person he’s
looking for is Lillian Donovan!
The girls scream. Lillian mouths to Annie â€œI’m gonna kill
you.â€ Cowboy Ron takes her up on stage. He puts her in a
chair and humps her face. Everyone is cracking up.
Leslie, your missing it.
Don’t talk to me. Nobody talk to me.
Leslie has her hands on the bare ass of a stripper who is
dancing in her face.
Stripper #2 appears.
Wow, looks like Cowboy Ron has a friend
on the prairie and he’s lookin’ for a
(pointing to Annie) Get her! Get her!!
Stripper #2 pulls Annie up to the stage, lays her on the
ground and simulates sex with her. Standing above her,
pulls his chaps off. We see that his balls are not all
the way tucked into his g-string. The girls cringe. As he
stands above her, in slow motion, we see a bead of sweat
leave his balls and fly into Anni’s open laughing mouth.
She dry heaves. The stripper is oblivious, goes to
Lillian and Annie roll around on the ground laughing.
EXT. STRIP CLUB.
Everyone’s laughing as they exit the club.
I need some gum.
That was disgusting! I’m so glad I’m
It was awesome!
I got a picture of the balls. I got it!
(puts her arm around Annie). You lucky
Only you Annie. Hands down, best moment
of the weekend.
Annie finally feels a part of the group.
INT. AIRPLANE. DAY.
Annie walks to first class, everyon’s sleeping. She
hears Lillian laughing really hard, pointing at pictures
in a magazine.
Oh look, there’s your boyfriend.
Ew, he’s like 65. Ok, look Lillian that’s
Oh my God. You know who that actually
looks like? Remember when we went to
Miami and we had to rent towels–
Ew, at that beach, that weird beach!
And that lady came up to us wearing that
She was crazy.
Annie sinks. A flight attendant appears.
Excuse me. Hi.
I’m sorry, you can’t be up here. You have
to go back to coach.
I was just stretching my legs.
That’s not true.
Annie stares at her. The flight attendant holds out her
hand for Annie to grab.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Come on…it’s ok, c’mon. C’mon.
EXT – AIRPORT PARKING. PAYBOOTH
Ok, that’s going to be seventy -five
Twenty-five dollars a day. Three days.
Seventy -five dollars.
I thought it was seven.
Oh, hmm mm. That’s for this lot, you
parked in this lot.
The lots are exactly the same, separated by a white line.
Annie empties her wallet, her poker winnings are gone.
EXT – HIGHWAY
Annie is driving. She sees Rhodes, and stops.
EXT. HIGHWAY. LATER.
Oh, I know what’s going on. You’re
jealous of that Helen girl.
Excuse me? No, I’m not.
If you say so.
I’m telling you I am not jealous of
Helen, okay? She’s tall and thin and rich
They both laugh.
Oh come on, you know you got it goin’
Oh yeah, I got it goin’ on…
You’re right, you don’t.
(laughing) Thanks a lot.
They nudge each other. He accidentally nudges her off the
Now Annie is back in her running car.
Have a good rest of your shift.
Actually, I’m heading home. Got my sister
staying with me for a few days. Sh’s
been thinking of divorcing of her
He had an affair and they’ve got kids so
Hmm. Sounds familiar.
My sister is a hell of a woman, you know?
And her husband is- you know what I think
cheating is? It’s weak. It’s a weak
person that cheats.
Something clicks with Annie, she sees him in a new light.
No, no. Um, I feel the same way. Um,
anyway um, maybe I’ll drive by you next
week. I have to make this drive
She tries to flirt a little, pulls her hair back. He sees
her hickey!!!! She starts itching her arm, still flirting
Ugh, great, I think I was allergic to the
soap at the hotel. Ahhhhh.
Yeah. I should go..now. Don’t forget to
call my friend about those tail lights.
They’re really starting to bug me.
I promise. Ok, well, have a good weekend.
He abruptly walks back to his car. She drives away
INT. ANNIE’S APT. LATER THAT EVENING.
Annie arrives home to another â€œmomâ€ package. She pulls
out some cheap cosmetics. She pulls out a bottle of White
Diamonds perfume by Elizabeth Taylor, low calorie mints,
some pepper spray, a book titled â€œ100 Survival tips For
the Independent Woman.â€ A check for $25.
She opens the book, sees chapters entitled â€œYou Don’t
Have to Work for AAA to Change a Tire.â€ â€œ How to Jack a
CarJacker.â€ â€œAnyone with Arms Can Skin a Deerâ€ etc. She
tries to read but the itching is driving her crazy.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE. NEXT DAY
Annie’s on the table while the DOCTOR examines her skin.
Well, I’ve got good news for you. You’re
going to live. Hahahah. It’s not an
allergic reaction though.
Oh, that’s good.
You’ve got body lice.
Have you recently come in contact with or
slept anywhere that you think you might
I know where I got it.
You’re gonna have to wash every fabric in
your apartment and I’ll give you a
topical cream that should knock it out
pretty quick. I’ve got some samples.
EXT – LILLIAN’S APT. DAY
Annie sits on the doorstep. Lillian runs up with a bunch
of stuff in her arms and opens the door. They enter the
I’m so sorry. I was at our travel agen’s
trying to figure out how to get my da’s
family out here, they all have to fly at
different times, uggh. What’s that on
She sees some of Annie’s lice medicine motion.
Huh? Oh…I did a face mask. I must have
gotten some on me and didn’t rinse it.
Oh shit, I’m sorry, I have to check one
thing really quick. When is my hair
Lillian frantically looks through her calender.
Listen, I want to talk to you about–
Oh no. (starts to cry)
I knew it. I’m going to have my period on
my wedding day…and my honeymoon!
It’s ok. I mean it’s not like it’s your
first time doing it.
It’s our wedding night though!
You can still have sex, just put a towel
down in the bed.
I can’t believe this. This sucks. (beat)
Oh, Annie I wanted to ask you. Do you
think for the cocktail party before the
reception we should have a string trio or
a horn trio?
Can you just realize what you just asked
me right now?
You just said a string trio or horn trio.
I thought you didn’t want anything fancy,
you know, just â€œkeep it simple.â€ â€œNot a
I know but now that I’m planning
everything it’s just…I wanna do it
right. It’s once in a life time. It’s my
Lillian’s phone rings.
Ugh! It’s Dougie’s Mom. She’s mad at me
because I won’t let her invite everyone
from her work. Oh! That reminds me. If
you’re not going to bring anybody, will
you let me know? I gotta free up some
spots. (into phone] Hello?
Lillian walks away with the phone. Annie is speechless.
INT. ANNIE’S LAUNDRY ROOM.
Dryer is going. Annie is sorting a huge pile of sheets,
towels, etc. Her cell phone rings.
INT. HELEN’S LIVING ROOM. CREAM COUCH
Annie? Where are you? Inside a truck?
No, I’m doing laundry, what’s up?
Annie, the shower needs to happen soon.
We haven’t heard from you and everyone is-
I know. I know. I’m trying to–
Annie can I dialog openly with you? I
know you’re having some financial trouble
and I think it would be best if I did the
shower. Now before you say anything, let
me say that showers can be very expensive
and I think what’s important here is
what’s best for Lillian.
You don’t have to give me an answer now
You should have it. You should have it.
Great. Well, I’ll definitely need some
Could you bring the cookies?
Annie hangs up, looks at her laundry piles. Pissed.
INT. HARRINGTONS. LATER
Annie behind her counter.
A snotty thirteen year old, valley-type, rich girl stands
at Annie’s counter with an iced coffee chewing gum.
I’m looking for a birthday gift for my
Your best friend?
(sip] What do you mean?
Well, what’s gonna happen when you get
older? Did you ever think of that? What
about when she makes new friends and
they’re more successful than you are?
Girl stares annoyingly, chewing and sipping.
Huh? And they buy her facials and
designer dresses for cheap and yo’re
stuck selling jewelry to teenagers wh’s
outfit cost more than your rent?
You have no chin.
You’re gonna be a slut in high school.
You are an old, single loser who has no
friends, works in a jewelry store, colors
her own hair, and will never know the
feeling of owning a luxury car.
She sips in victory, slurps up the last drop noisily.
(quietly] You. Little. Cunt.
The girls eyes widen. The camera pans to show that the
girl’s dad and Donna have been there the whole time.
INT. DONNA’S OFFICE
Donna stands across from Annie wh’s cleaning out her
locker. She sadly starts to leave.
You know, I knew a girl once. Karen
Stippleton. She was really something. The
life of the party, a concert pianist, she
had naturally curly hair, and skin black
as night. But one evening at a dinner
party I walked in on her in the bathroom
putting a vile of cocaine up her buttocks
and last I heard, she was playing the
saxophone outside of a drug store. And
I’m gonna say something to you I should
have told her. Don’t waste your life.
Find out what your gifts are and use
Donna hugs Annie, then leaves her in the break room.
INT. ANNIE’S APARTMENT. LATER THAT DAY.
Annie arrives completely depressed. Outside her doorstep
is yet another package. Annie takes it inside.
INT. ANNIE’S APT.
Ooh, another package from your mom?
It is a beautiful pink and white striped box with her
name and address in calligraphy. When Annie opens the
lid, â€œCanon in Dâ€ plays and a real butterfly flies out.
She reads, â€œA Shower for Lillian.â€ Steve comes over to
On one side of the box, there is a beautiful sculpture of
Lillian and Dougie as Bride and Groom, a candle with
Lillian’s face printed on it and some chocolates. Annie
takes the invitation out, opens it quickly.
Are you kidding me?
The invitation reads:
Please join us for a Parisian Brunch at
the home of Helen Harris III to celebrate
the marriage of Lillian Donovan and
Douglas Price. Let us â€œshowerâ€ Lillian
with gifts and love. Date: Sunday the
20th. Time: 2:00 post meridian. Address
and phone number below. Responde S’il
Vous Plait. Yay!
Annie picks up the phone, calls the R.S.V.P. number.
Canon in D. plays. and a recorded message begins.
HELEN (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Hello. This is Helen. You have reached
the Responde S’il Vous Plait line for
You have got to be kidding me.
Please listen to all of the following
menu options before making your
selection. If you would like to reply
â€œouiâ€, press one. To reply â€œnoâ€, press
two. For where the bride and groom are
registered, press three. If you require a
vegetarian meal. Press 4. If you are
vegan, press 5. A dairy free meal, press
6. Kosher meals will not be available.
For the Lillian and Dougie story,
narrated by me, please press 7. To hear a
twenty-four hour wedding music mix, press
8, put your phone on speaker, light the
Atmospheria candle you’ve just received
and think about the eternal union that is
marriage. I’m Helen Harris IV, and this
is me saying au revoir! But before I do,
here’s a message from SUSAN SARANDON!
SUSAN SARANDON (V.O.)
Hello, I’m Susan Sarandon, the movie
star. I just wanted to say
congratulations to Lillian and Dougie.
Even though I don’t believe in marriage,
I do â€œbelieve in the church of basebalâ€.
Just kidding. That’s a line from my movie
Bull Durham. I-
Annie hangs up quickly.
INT. ANNIE’S APARTMENT. DAYTIME.
Annie’s relaxation CD is playing as she lies talking on
the phone to her Mom, who is painting a very life-like
picture of Enrique Iglesias in concert.
Is there an animal over there?
No, it’s a C.D.
She rolls over and turns it off.
So, I’m flying straight to O’Hare the day
of the shower cause I wanna get my hair
done. Did you see that invitation? I
didn’t get the significance of the dead
butterfly, but it looks like w’re gonna
I already know what it’s gonna be like.
It’s gonna be uncomfortable and weird…I
don’t wanna go.
Sweetie, listen to yourself. You ca’t
let her new friends get in the way of
your being a part of one of the best days
of Lil’s life. NO way. You have a history
with her that no one else has. So you
walk into that party knowing that.
INT. ANNIE’S CAR.
Annie drives to Helen’s. She sees a pink and white
highway sign (that looks like a traditional highway exit
sign) â€œLillian’s Shower Rue. This exitâ€
Oh my God.
She turns into the gates of â€œWhitewater Estates.â€ There
is, a life-size sculpture of a bride and groom. As she
gets closer, she sees they are real life models. They
smile at Annie, wink at her and wave her by.
At the next stop sign, a butler appears with a tray.
Are you a guest of Helen Harris?
The shower is one mile away.
He hands her a pink lemonade.
I don’t have a cup-holder.
As she’s driving, little pink things start to fly beside
One flies in her car. They’re Rose petals!
Annie’s shitty car drives down a road covered with Rose
petals. At the driveway, she is greeted by a valet in a
pink bow-tie and beret. As she reaches for her gift from
the passenger seat, another valet opens that door and
This will be placed in the gift room for
He reaches for the cookies she made, and she stops him.
I’ll take those.
Annie watches the valet drives her car away. When she
turns back around, there is a man with a white horse
holding out his hand to her.
Would you like an assisted ride to the
Do I have to?
An annoyed Annie arrives at the house on the horse with
the man leading her on foot, holding the cookies. She
The front door is swung open by two attendants. As she
enters the mansion, groups of girls pass by her…
This is the most amazing shower ‘ve ever
been to/Can you believe this?/What a
lucky bride/What a good friend…
Helen’s house is ALL cream and white with gold. Couches
are puffy, etc. Annie walks to the backyard. We hear
French standards. Beautiful tables are set. Swans and
bunnies milling about. Attendants ready to serve. In the
middle of everything stands an eight foot tall round
â€œsignâ€ that says â€œLillian and Dougieâ€ in puffy pink
cursive. A waiter offers Annie champagne. She takes it.
BECCA AND LESLIE(O.S.)
They walk to her.
Do you believe this shit?
Annie is still staring at the sign.
That’s a big cookie huh.
They point to the â€œsignâ€. Annie walks closer to see it is
indeed a huge cookie.
See. Sugar cookie.
Leslie takes a piece off, eats it.
It’s even better if you dip it in the
REVEAL a glorious four tiered chocolate fountain. Girls
are around it dipping strawberries and pieces of the big
cookie, laughing. Helen is there taking their praise.
Annie is pissed and plops her tupperware of cookies on a
Lillian runs to her.
(under her breath) Can you believe this?
Coming Mom! I gotta go say hi to my
She leaves and Helen appears out of nowhere again.
Oh, it’s nothing….so…Just make
yourself at home. Enjoy!
Thanks. (under her breath) Asshole.
What did you say?
I said I love this shower, and i’s
amazing. I said all that.
Annie leaves. Two hip hop dancers wearing pink berets
approach Helen and jam out in her face.
OK, not me, NOT ME! The GUESTS. Hip hop
dance with the GUESTS!
INT-HELENS POWDER ROOM
Annie puts lotion her hands. She sees a magazine photo of
face super imposed over them. On the counter is a framed
photo of Helen, soft lit, posed with her hand gently
face. She also sees a photo of Helen and Lillian from
Vegas on the plane. Happy.
As Annie leaves, she runs into her Mom, wh’s new
hairstyle is a bit overdone.
Wow! You look great.
Thank you sweetheart. (to herself) I wish
Barb could see me now.
Not today Mom.
You’re right. Well I’m happy to see you!
I’ll see you out there. I need to wash
the horse off my hands.
Mom goes into the bathroom. Megan approaches.
Annie, did you see the party favors?
I’m sure they’re perfect and amazing.
Yeah. And they’re wrapped up like
presents. They said we have to wait until
we leave but I cant stop thinking about
them. I gotta go tell Lillian.
EXT- HELEN’S BACK YARD- MOMENTS LATER
Annie now stands next to the chocolate fountain. She
looks around, drops her glass in it and unplugs it with
her foot. It stops flowing. She looks around and throws
some leaves in it and walks away.
attention by microphone.
Hello ladies. Bonjour. (french
sentence)Yay! Welcome. I am your host
Helen, a bridesmaid in Lillian’s wedding.
I want you all to have a wonderful time.
Eat, drink, please have some cookie!
She laughs and then becomes very serious.
Lillian. Today’s your day. I’d like to
make a beautiful toast, â€œYou are pretty,
fun, sweet, look at all of your friends.
Girlpower!â€ Everyone enjoy your lunch,
served along with the musical stylings
A quartet, all in pink and white and harmonize. â€˜Lillian,
Lillian, Lillian, Lillian! When Lillian was a little
Judy claps and enjoys the music. She leans over to Annie.
I don’t know what’s going on honey.
The shower is a hit.
INT. HELEN’S GREAT ROOM. LATER.
Everyone sits surrounded by decorations, pictures of
Dougie and Lillian as babies, flowers, fire in the
Everyone it’s game time! Please take your
piece of paper, put it on top of your
head, and with your other hand try to
draw what Lillian and Dougie’s first baby
is going to look like!!! Ready? GO!
Everyone draws, giggles, looks at their stupid drawings,
laughing. Annie cheats and draws it on her lap.
And the winner is…Annie?
Dana holds up a perfectly realistic drawing of a baby.
Yeah, that’s mine. Thank you.
Girls spin a blind-folded 86 year old ELLIE around 3
times, Then they swing her holding her hands and feet.
Annie looks confused. They throw Ellie onto a huge pile
of pillows. This is a terrible game.
SHOWER GIRLS (CONT’D)
Find the veil! C’mon Ellie! Come on Look!
You can do it! It’s right there!
Ellie feels around in the huge pile of pillows. She finds
the veil, holds it up in victory and then falls down from
SHOWER GIRLS (CONT’D)
YAAAAY! YOU DID IT! WoooHoo!
#9. What is Lillian’s favorite ice cream
flavor? Write it down…quickly.
(under her breath, to the woman next to
her) Ew. Kinda smells funny in here.
Doesn’t it? Smells bad. This house has a
OK, last one. For the big prize. #10.
What is the craziest place Lillian and
Helen strongly hints with a weird smile instead of
saying, â€œ…had sex?â€ Shower Girls Ooooh and Ahhhh.
(under her breath) Wow, looks like
someone’s a pervert. It’s none of my
business. She’s gross.
(very emotional) I’m putting a blue bead
on this â€œadvice necklaceâ€ to represent
the ocean. It may not always be smooth
sailing but you can ride the waves
Dana cries and takes a picture. Everyone applauds,
(to person near her) The ocean’s are
really polluted right now. Its not
something to joke about.
INT-HELEN’S GREAT ROOM – HALF HOUR LATER
Lillian opens presents in front of huge photograph of
Oh! My towels! Thank you Dana.
I just wanted to get you something you
could use everyday and something pretty.
Dana takes a picture, Lillian grabs another box, giddy.
Annie. (opens it) Oh, our mugs! Thank you
Well, you registered for ‘em so thank
yourself, you picked them out. I did’t
This one’s from me.
Helen hands Lillian her gift. Lil opens it and holds up
Ooh, brothel gear…
(sotto] It’s disgusting. Here Mom’s here.
Wait, what’s this?
Lillian pulls out an envelope.
(sotto) Wow, cash. Kinda tacky.
Lillian opens the envelope.
Oh my God. Helen.
Lillian holds up the tickets.
Honey what are they?
Two first class tickets to Sea World.
How did you–
Are you fucking kidding me?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Annie! What is going on with you?
Nothing have fun at Sea World.
Why don’t we go in the other room and–
Shut up you ridiculous person, you a
sneaky little cream and white cashmere–.
Annie. Everyone I am so sorry, I really
don’t know what you mean.
I think you do.(laughs) Horses?
Sculptures? Posters? Look at this stupid
house! This stupid marshmallow puffy
furniture! (pointing outside) And look at
that cookie! Would you please everyone!
Speaking of that cookie. I never got a
Annie marches into the back yard.
(shouting, we see her through the large
Did you honestly think 30 women were
gonna finish this?! You know what!? ‘ll
help you out!
She tries to take down the cookie and struggles with it.
We watch her from the house. Fall over with the cookie,
she runs over to the chocolate fountain and tries to tip
it over, it’s obviously too heavy. She tries to empty it
with her hands onto the ground.
Mmmmm. Nothing says friendship like a
thousand gallons of hot unsanitary
chocolate! Hello swan, are you having
fun? Did you enjoy the hip-hop dancers?
Everyone is watching Annie. She is fighting and punching
the air like a crazy person, chasing a swan. A little
girl starts crying.
Annie walks back through the house, through the crowd
holding her chocolate covered hands in the air.
I actually thought I wanted to be like
you…and you and YOU, to be a part of
this world. That’s not who I am. I make
bad choices. I’m broke, I lost my stupid
job, I’m thirty two years old and I still
answer booty calls. I don’t like Mike
Donahue cause he () on our date. I have
a single black hair that grows out of my
chin and I can’t wear white t-shirts
cause something about my sweat turns the
pits yellow! AND you know when we were in
Vegas? When you were all staying at your
luxury hotel? I was staying at Hotel RICK
where got BODY LICE! So Helen, you can
have the coveted Maid of Honor title. You
can have it all wrapped up in a big pink
obnoxious musical box! Because all its
brought me is a big pain in my ass.
Annie leaves and Lillian runs after her.
Annie stop! I don’t know what’s going on.
Well let me fill you in. Ever since you
got engaged, my life has turned to shit.
I’m sorry the the happiest time in my
life has brought you so much misery. Do
you know how selfish that sounds?
I’m selfish? You’re the one that’s been
so wrapped up in all this. Designer
dressed, extravagant hotels, this shower,
this is not you!
This is my wedding and you’ve made it all
Well at least my friendship’s not for
This hangs in the air. Annie storms off. Lillian storms
Do you think she still has body lice?
Anyone else?! Anyone else have something
they wanna say to me?!
Dana can’t contain herself.
I got my chin done!
Becca stands up.
Kevin smokes pot!
Leslie stands up.
Megan stands up.
I took two dogs already. There in the
back of my van!
INT. ANNIE’S CAR. MOMENTS LATER- HIGHWAY.
Annie is pissed. She sees a squirrel in the road (close
up of squirrels big eyes). She tries to avoid it, slams
on her breaks and BOOM! Annie is rear-ended! The driver
behind her backs up, peels out and drives away.
Her car won’t start. Trying to keep it together, she
grabs her running shoes from the back seat and storms
down the highway, trying not to cry.
A cop car pulls next to her. I’s Rhodes.
Rhodes is looking under her hood.
Well, I can’t say I’m surprised.
Yes. Taillights. I know!
You should’ve taken it to my friend-
I KNOW! Yes, you’re friend! But I didn’t
ok?! I didn’t get them fixed! I don’t–
Whoa. Don’t take it out on me. This is
HE hit ME!
You had no taillights! You did’t get
them fixed! You don’t get to blame anyoe
else. It’s your fault.
Annie starts to walk away.
Where you going?!
Annie keeps walking.
Oh, you’re going to walk fifteen miles?!
Another WISE decision!
What do you know?!!
I know that you not taking responsibility
is why we’re standing out here! YOU did
not make an effort to fix that problem.
This hits Annie. Rhodes is physically worked up.
DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT DRIVES ME?!
SEEING YOU ALL THE TIME, AND YOU STILL
HAVEN’T GOTTEN THOSE FIXED?! DO YOU KNOW
HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS?!
Why are you yelling at me?!
It’s dangerous! You’re putting your life,
and others in danger!
He calms down.
Look, all I know, is that you’re kinda
crazy. You’re always stressed out or
late, complaining about something, and
now you’re yelling at me! And for some
reason, all I’ve ever wanted to do is ask
you on a date.
Well save yourself the trouble, and
Yeah, I’m not much of a hickey guy
Annie remembers her hickey. He saw it?!
Well, I have said â€œnoâ€ anyway.
Well, then you have yourself a good night
Annie regrets that. He drives away leaving her there. She
EXT. BILL COZBI’S AUTO ELECTRIC.
Annie’s car gets towed into the shop.
INT – BILL COZBI’S AUTO ELECTRIC
BILL enters with a clip board. He is a stocky Milwaukee
Rhodes told me a while back you might be
stopping in. I’m Bill Cozbi.
I was beginning to think we’d never see
Yeah, I know. I’m irresponsible.
Nah, no one likes taking care of that
stuff. But you are going to have to leave
your car here for a week or so.
INT. STEVE’S CAR. CONTINUOUS.
So you kind of had a bad time at the
Yes I did. Everything’s just…
She starts crying. Steve hands her a tissue from the
I’m sorry, I just–this has been a really
Yeah. Ok, don’t get mad at me, but it
seems like you have a lot of those.
Yes I do! Right? Thank you.
Have you considered the idea that maybe,
possibly, perhaps, it’s you that makes
Annie stares at him.
I’m just saying, maybe it’s your
This is not about attitude. It’s just the
facts! My life hasn’t turned it out the
way I expected. I don’t have any of
those things that gives a person points
in the world.
I think that might be your problem. I
think you read too many of those
magazines. You don’t need things to be
someone. Tyra said that. Tyra Banks.
INT. ANNIE AND STEVE’S APT.
Annie sits on the couch with Steve in a daze, watching
Lillian. She doesn’t even know what to say, so she
Annie reads a shitty magazine at the counter. She turns
to see the gray-haired, outdoorsy WOMAN that she and
Lillian pointed out.
Is anyone sitting here?
The lady sits next to Annie and smiles at her.
INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY.
Annie looks in the classifieds. A lot say â€œcollege
degree required.â€ She looks up and sees TED has walked
Oh, hey Ted. You’re in town.
Yeah, yeah. Listen I’m going out tonight
but I should be home around 11, you wanna
Really? Ok, sure.
Ted smiles at her. Annie stops herself.
Wait no. No. No. I don’t think I do.
Because answering your booty calls and
having you kick me out after a night of
no-strings-attached sex doesn’t feel
good. NO girls feel good after that and
if they say they do they’re LYING. But
it’s not your fault. Its me. It’s me.
Have a great life. And you can keep the
Annie grabs her stuff and leaves.
INT. ANNIE’S BEDROOM THAT NIGHT
She lies on her bed staring at the ceiling. She picks up
INT. LILLIAN’S PARENTS HOUSE
Lillian’s phone lights up, it’s on silent. She is
names cut out and being placed at different tables. Her
mom, Laurie, Helen, and two women argue about the seating
chart. Lillian looks distraught.
BACK TO ANNIE’S BEDROOM
Annie sadly hangs up.
INT. QUAINT BAKERY. DAY
TIM, the owner is sitting with Annie.
Well, I can’t think of anything else to
tell you. Did you have any questions?
No, I think we’ve covered everything. I’m
really excited and thank you.
Annie gathers her things.
I’ll see you next Monday. What time do I
Annie is a little surprised. Ti’s smiling.
You’ll get used to it.
Annie smiles back.
I won’t be late.
Oh and I wanna try one of those moonpies.
(smiling] Yeah. Ok.
INT. COLLEGE CAMPUS.
Annie weaves through the crowded hallway, approaches a
Hi, I’m here to inquire about financial
Her cell phone rings.
Take these to the second window.
Annie’s trying to find her phone.
The second window.
It’s too late, she looks at her phone. It was Lillian. No
message. She doesn’t call her back.
EXT. BILL COZBI’S. EVENING
Annie gets out of Steve’s car.
INT. BILL COZBI’S.
Parts and labor, we’re lookin’ at eight
hundred dollars. But with your
Yeah. Rhodes and I worked out a deal way
back when, so, this one’s on the house.
Are you serious?
Yep. I owe him big time. He runs
background checks on all the guys my
daughter dates. There’s been a lot of
You’re kidding! If you see him, would
you thank him for me and tell him that
I’m crazy and I’m sorry. He’ll know what
Annie drives past Rhodes’ at his post, flicking her brand
new taillights. He sees her, but does’t respond.
pull her over. She drives by him again and swerves all
over the road. He really wants to pull her over, but he
doesn’t. She goes back one more time, throws a bunch of
trash and diet coke cans out of the window. He still
ignores her. She gives up and goes home.
to this point until this morning. wanted to see if we’re
going in the right direction with annie uniting
bridesmaids and saving the day.
INT. ANNIE’S APT. NIGHTTIME.
Annie and Steve are in the kitchen, sh’s cooking. Steve
reads out of the college brochure.
Ok, you can take Women’s Studies or
Spanish…oooh The History of Wine.
The phone rings.
Annie. It’s Megan, Becca Leslie, Dana and
INT. HELEN’S ESCALADE
What do you mean she’s missing?
We were all supposed to get spray-tans
today and she never showed up. No on’s
heard from her. She could be anywhere,
doing anything! She could be ANYWHERE–
Jesus Christ, give me the God damn phone.
Leslie grabs the phone from Megan.
Annie, it’s Leslie. Look, I’m sure it’s
nothing to worry about. The weddin’s the
day after tomorrow, she’s been really
stressed, so she just probably freaked
out and went somewhere. We just want to
find her and probably talk her off a
ledge. Any ideas?
Um, gosh I..I don’t know. Um, I’ll come
to you guys. I’ll be there in an hour and
45 minutes. I wanna help.
Annie hangs up, grabs her keys. She stops, comes back and
grabs a small paper bag, and runs out the door.
What about the Science of Jazz?
EXT. HIGHWAY. CONTINUOUS
Annie pulls over. She puts the piece of paper in the
small paper bag. She gets out of the car, leaving it
running. A few seconds later she comes back without the
bag. Takes a deep breath and drives away.
INT. HELEN’S ESCALADE. 2 HOURS LATER.
Maybe she’s at the park.
The park? Don’t be stupid Dana.
Jeez, take it easy.
Well, it’s closed is all I’m just saying.
Maybe she flew somewhere. Everyone always
hides in Mexico.
I don’t think she’d leave the country.
Maybe she went to the reservoir.
Why would she go to the reservoir? Its
just a big tank of water.
Ernie and I sometimes go for our morning
walk there. It’s the next best thing to a
Oh my God! I think I know where she is.
INT. HELEN’S ESCALADE.
The girls drive on a dark road.
How much further?
We’re almost there.
I’m think I’m getting carsick.
Is that supposed to be a dig on my
Well you do speed up and slow down a lot.
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t take a stunt
driving course in Renegade missions.
Why do you always have to be so
Yeah, its getting really old.
I was being funny!
Well it came out a little mean Helen.
Dana who’s side are you on?
All the girls start yelling. Helen loses control of the
car for a split second and drives off the road hitting
something. BOOM! The girls scream!!! She pulls over. All
the girls are wide eyed and speechless.
What was that?
Did we hit something!?
Was it a person?
Guys it’s just a flat. I’ve gotten tons
Annie goes to get out of the car.
No!/ Annie don’t get out!/ It’s pitch
Everybody calm down. I’m calling 911.
You don’t call 911 for a flat tire!
A huge truck drives by moving their car a little bit.
The girls SCREAM!
Guys! We’re fine. Helen, put the hazards
Helen puts them on.
I’m calling AAA.
I’m calling Kevin!
Helen, do you have a jack?
What if we get hit just sitting here? Or
kidnapped or chased by an animal?
Dana calm down.
Shit! I don’t have any service.
Oh my God! We’re gonna die…
Annie has had enough and gets out.
The tire is definitely flat. She opens Hele’s trunk,
lifts the bottom (wherever the jack is in an Escalade] She goes up to the window.
INT. HELEN’S ESCALADE. CONTINUOUS.
Everyone’s gotta get out, if you want me
to fix this.
They complain that its dangerous, i’s cold, but they do.
Annie puts the jack under car.
So, how can I help?
Hold the flashlight.
Leslie and Megan watch as Annie pumps the jack. She
really does know what she’s doing! The car is raising.
Megan hand me the wrench.
Megan hands it to her. Annie starts to unscrew the lug
nuts handing them to Megan, with Leslie by her side.
Dana and Becca stand with Helen.
That’s pretty cool she knows how to do
change a tire.
I know. I can’t believe she’s doing it.
Dana and Becca move over to Annie. Helen waits alone.
Just don’t scratch anything.
The girls are all crouched down to watch Annie in awe.
So what are you doing now?
I’m removing the lug nuts so we can take
the tire off.
How does that little thing lift the whole
It uses hydraulic power. It gives a human
being the lifting capacity of 1.5 to
How do you know this stuff?
I like cars. There’s a real artistry to
Are you guys working or talking? We do’t
have all night.
(quickly) Annie is doing the best she can
Helen. So why don’t you just stand over
there and be quiet and wait.
Dana stands. She has had it with Helen.
I said, will you, for once, shut the fuck
Dana approaches Helen. The other girls are standing now.
Lillian probably left because of you
You’re so- bossy! You’ve been acting like
you’re in charge this whole time! Do’t
you realize how much pressure sh’s
under? You know, Lillian did not want to
leave her reception in a unicorn-drawn
carriage?! She said â€œThat’s not me.â€ And
you ordered it anyway! You’ve been
pushing her this whole time! Annie was
Helen glares at Megan.
What are you talking about? The only
reason you’re even in this wedding is
because you’re the groom’s sister.
I’d rather be the groom’s sister than
have cameltoe from my $600 pants.
We see that Helen has cameltoe. Megan has surprised them.
Why is everyone attacking me? I wasn’t
the one who caused a huge scene at
Lillian’s bridal shower and made her cry.
Everyone looks at Annie.
I hate to interrupt this riveting
discussion but a really creepy guy in a
Trans Am just pulled over.
The guy gets out of the car. He is thirty-ish, wears at-
shirt with a cat on it and camouflage shorts.
TRANS AM MAN
Hey it’s pretty late. What are you ladies
Becca and Dana scramble into the woods. Leslie gets
behind the car.
Just changing the tire.
TRANS AM MAN
You guys need some man hands for that?
Nope I think we got it. But thank you.
He doesn’t leave, the girls worriedly look at each other.
TRANS AM MAN
Look, if you guys get tired, I live right
up that hill. You ladies can just leave
your car here, come on up and let us all
lay down together.
He starts to walk toward them. The girls are scared.
Annie gives Megan a look. Megan tries to distract him.
Hey! Are those snowflake rims?
The guy looks at Megan.
TRANS AM MAN
Yeah, found â€˜em in a junk yard. Restored
I bet you got a formula 4OO under there?
TRANS AM MAN
Well, well. Someone knows her cars.
I’m in the Firebird club.
TRANS AM MAN
You don’t say. I never met a lady in the
He walks over to Megan, she gives Annie a nod. Annie
rushes to the tire and quickly continues changing it.
You ever make it up to the Trans Am
Nationals in Dayton?
Becca, Dana, Leslie and Helen are huddled together. They
talk in a loud whisper.
What’s happening? What’s happening?
I can hear animals.
The guy is moving closer to Megan.
Remember Smokey and the Bandit?
TRANS AM MAN
It’s my favorite movie. â€œGive me a Diablo
sandwich and a Dr. Pepper and make it
quick . I’m in a goddamn hurry.â€
He leans into her.
Why don’t you show me what’s under the
Back at Helen’s car. Leslie sneaks over to Annie.
How’s it comin’?
The guy has lifted up his hood and Mega’s looking. He
puts his hands on her ass.
TRANS AM MAN
You wanna get in the backseat?
He is really getting aggressive, pushing against her.
Hey take it easy!
Hey what about me?
He turns around to be hit with a huge piece of wood by
Helen. He falls.
Oh my God!!
Annie is frantically releasing the jack.
OK, everybody in the car! Get in! Megan,
Helen let’s go!
All the girls scramble in the car, Helen starts it. Annie
TRANS AM MAN
Annie get in!
TRANS AM MAN
I’m gonna get you bitches!!
He is coming towards Annie! She turns towards him with
Back away! Or I will shove this Jack so
far down your throat you will shit
TRANS AM MAN
Whoa, whoa. Alright. Alright. I’m
TRANS AM MAN
I am! I live up the hill though if you
change your mind.
Annie backs up and jumps in the car. Helen peels away.
The girls drive away fast.
The girls still driving. Megan’s eating chips.
Megan I was freaked out when he leaned up
against you. That was a pretty gutsy
Annie’s the one who tried to make him eat
a car jack.
Helen hit him over the head with a tree.
They all continue talking, Helen and Annie smile.
There it is, turn left up here. Go down
the little hill. Ok, that’s the driveway.
It’s dark and very rustic. It’s LILLIAN’S LAKE HOUSE FROM
THE FLASHBACK. Where Lillian and Dougie met.
God I haven’t been here in forever.
The house is right up here.
They pull up to a small cottage and get out of the car.
Her car’s not here.
Doesn’t look like any lights are on.
She’s not here.
Annie is sitting on the front step, defeated.
I thought she’d be here. I really thought
she’d be here. I’m sorry.
Annie, it’s ok.
No, it’s not. I don’t know what happened.
I messed everything up. Lillia’s not
even talking to me. I think I’m so afraid
to see what’s really happening.
Lillian’s moving on to this great life
and I feel left behind. And know matter
how hard I try, I don’t fit in to her
Everyone is silent.
Annie, Lillian loves you. (beat] I know I
haven’t made things easy for you.. I
don’t have a life and I am bored. Perry
is always away and I’m constantly alone
and she’s been there. And I’ve been a
bridesmaid nine times and although I may
have implied it, I….I’ve never been a
Maid of Honor. I wanted to make
everything special for Lillian because…
I don’t have a lot of friends. I wanted
her to like me better and to impress her,
and everyone else. And I’m just good at
throwing parties. I always have been. In
fact sometimes I think people only ask me
to be in their wedding’s because of that.
Lillian wouldn’t do that. If she asked
you to be in her wedding it’s because you
are her friend. Trust me.
Dana is crying and takes a picture. The’re both startled
by the flash.
I’m sorry about the Sea World tickets.
I’m sorry that when I left the shower I
told your neighbors you were shooting a
Oh, I didn’t know that you did that.
Oh, well, sorry.
I deserved it.
I must say you do put on some pretty
Well, I’m really rich.
It is getting pretty late.
What should we do about Lillian?
She’ll come home when she’s ready.
INT. ANNIE HALLWAY. LATE THAT NIGHT (EARLY AM]
Annie enters exhausted to find Lillian sitting against
her door. Annie walks up and slides down to sit next to
her. After a minute.
Yeah. Didn’t mean to make anyone worry.
It’s okay. I really am sorry.
I’m sorry too. I didnt want things to
turn out like this. I got so caught up in
the frenzy of everything, wanting this
one day to be perfect.
Well its easy to get caught up.
And it doesnt help that all my friends
I’m sorry. But it’s all good now. We all
talked and everythings cool.
Yup, Helen and I are best friends now.
We’re going shopping for cream sweaters
She’s really not so bad.
I just wish the wedding hadnt become
about everything and everyone else but me
and Dougie. And now, it’s become this
thing I never wanted. I did want simple.
I wanted colored lanterns, twinkly lights
and food everywhere. I wanted a DJ to
play all those stupid wedding songs.
It’s not too late to have those things.
I’m sorry I didn’t know all the stuff you
were going through too.
Annie is clearly sad.
It’s fine. I just feel really lost right
Lillian hugs her.
Nothing’s going to change.
Oh God dont say that.
I mean between you and me.
You want to come in? Steve’s home. This
could be your last chance as a single
EXT HIGHWAY. VERY EARLY NEXT MORNING
The small paper bag sits on the side of the road. Cop car
pulls up. This is Rhodes’ spot, we’ve seen before. He
gets out and walks over to it, confused. He picks it up
and it says, â€œOfficer Rhodesâ€. He’s a little weary but
opens it and pulls out a note. â€œI hear you like
moonpies.â€ He looks in the bag and smiles.
EXT. WEDDING RECEPTION. BELMONT CLUB. DUSK.
Becca and Kevin are slow dancing happily very much in
Leslie and Paul dancing with two boys trying to join in.
They are all happy, he rubs her stomach.
Perry and Helen are dancing. They look like they are
talking and working things out. He hugs her and kisses
Lillian and Dougie dance into frame. They are very close.
Smiling and kissing. They’ve never looked happier. She
smiles at someone. It’s Annie.
Annie is watching everyone from the side, smiling also.
Thanks a lot for bringing me.
Thanks for coming with me.
Megan appears on her other side.
Yeah, thanks for bringing him.
Megan winks at Steve, he grabs her hand and they go to
Annie is alone, watching everybody. We see the wedding as
a whole. It’s a beautiful event. Colored lanterns,
twinkly lights, food everywhere. Simple, fun…very
EXT. RECEPTION. LATER
Annie and Lillian walking out of the reception.
So when does school start?
A week. I’m scared. I’m gonna be the
oldest one there.
So what? Now you can have an affair with
your teacher and it won’t be gross.
They walk down the steps.
Thanks for everything today. Yo’ve been
the best Maid of Honor ever.
(kidding) MMM. No. That’s not true at
all. You were pretty terrible. Today you
Annie sees the hotel shuttle.
Oh, I want to catch this shuttle back to
You’re always gonna be my best friend.
They hug goodbye. She runs down the stairs.
I will see YOU in a couple weeks Mrs.
Lillian waves goodbye and turns to go back inside. Annie
runs towards the shuttle.
She’s too late. The shuttle drives away without her. She
JUST missed it.
Wait! Wait! Stop! Great. Of course.
The shuttle is gone, but there’s something that was on
the other side of it.
Need a ride ma’am?
It’s Rhodes, leaning against his car like Jake in sixteen
candles. Annie is all smiles and walks up to him.
How did you know I was here?
It was really complicated. I remembered
the name of this place, I called them up,
told them I was a cop calling on official
police business, doing a very big
investigation and uh, made them tell me
all the weddings they had planned for the
next two months with a bride named
Lillian. [ALT: I’m a cop] Annie smiles.
They’re looking at each other, not knowing what to do.
So, did you get the moonpies?
Yes I did.
Did you like’ em?
Yeah. No. I couldn’t eat them. They were
completely covered in ants.
Ooo, I didn’t think about that.
You probably should have put it in a
plastic wrap or maybe a foil or
something. Tupperware would’ve worked but
then I’d have to get it back to you-I’m
gonna kiss you right now so…
He walks to her and takes her in his arms. They are about
RHODES (CONT’D (CONT’D)
I didn’t want to miss my chance again.
They MAKE OUT.
Annie is walking back to her hotel. A cop car pulls up
next to her.
Need a ride ma’am?
She turns to see Rhodes driving slowly next to her.
How did you know I was here?
I’m a cop.
They’re looking at each other, not knowing what to do.
So, did you get the moonpies?
Yes I did.
Did you like’ em?
Yeah. No. I couldn’t eat them. They were
completely covered in ants.
Ooo, I didn’t think about that.
The real reason I came here today is that
I have something that belongs to you.
He opens his hand to reveal the ugly carrot. She smiles.
He stops the car and unlocks the passenger door. She gets
in. They drive off into the sunset.[amazonjs asin=”B00BTSHPNC” locale=”JP” title=”ブライズメイズ 史上最悪のウェディングプラン DVD”]