バッドトリップ! 消えたNO.1セールスマンと史上最悪の代理出張(2011年)

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[amazonjs asin=”B008CDAVAQ” locale=”JP” title=”バッドトリップ! 消えたNO.1セールスマンと史上最悪の代理出張 DVD”]FADE IN ON:

A SHODDILY PRODUCED TV COMMERCIAL

The ad depicts videotaped scenes from Wisconsin’s north
country– a farmer and a cow, a woman waterskiing, a guy
mowing his lawn. A flat, nasally V.O. accompanies the images.

ROGER LEMKE (V.O.)
The Brown River Valley: It’s where
we work. It’s where we play. It’s
where we live. But even here in
paradise, accidents can happen.

The ad wipes to an inappropriately gruesome photo of an
obviously fatal car wreck. The NARRATOR is chroma-keyed over
the image. He is ROGER LEMKE, 40, blandly charismatic, with a
blonde moustache that evokes a low-rent Tom Selleck.

ROGER LEMKE (CONT’D)
At Northlands Insurance, our goal is
to provide high quality insurance
services and related products to
businesses and individuals in
Wisconsin’s Northlands. I’m Roger
Lemke. Not only do I care about you,
we also endeavor to give you the
coverage you need at the best prices
around. It’s that reason Northlands
has been awarded the prestigious Two
Diamond Award from the American
Society of Mutual Insurers three
years running. Because at Northlands
Insurance, we insure your dreams.

The car accident photo dissolves into a sunset. The treacly
music crescendos and we:

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. NORTHLANDS INSURANCE – DAY

The ad has been playing on a 13-inch TV in a small, wood-
paneled office. A handful of EMPLOYEES and FAMILY MEMBERS
applaud wildly. The proud owner of Northlands, BILL KROGSTAD,
60, embraces the man of the hour, Roger Lemke.

BILL KROGSTAD
Ho-lee Christmas, knocked her outta
the park, Roger! Out of the G-D
park, you sonofagun!
2.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

ROGER LEMKE
Hell, I’m just a pretty face, Bill.
That copy was all you. Do got one
little gripe though, boss– if
you’d waited until after Cedar
Rapids we could’ve said winner of
the Two Diamonds four years
running!

BILL KROGSTAD ROGER LEMKE
Aroo-aroo! Two Diamonds! Two Diamonds!

The men roughhouse playfully. Roger’s comely wife, GWEN, 30,
holding their milk-fed TWIN TODDLERS, gives Roger a kiss.

GWEN LEMKE
So proud of you, Roggie. God, you
rock. Doesn’t your dad rock, boys?!

ROGER LEMKE
(an Elvis impersonation)
Thank you. Thank you very much!

More laughter and backslapping. After a bit, an as yet unseen
MAN hesitantly approaches. He gently touches Roger’s arm, not
wanting to interrupt the revelry. Roger turns.

ROGER LEMKE (CONT’D)
Tim! Timmy Lippe! Didn’t even know
you were here. You see it, bud?

TIM
(earnest, deeply admiring)
Oh, heck yeah. You were awesome.

Despite appearances to the contrary, this is our hero: TIM
LIPPE (pronounced Lippy), 34, wholesome and positive, though
undercurrents of desperation lurk just behind his kind eyes.

TIM (CONT’D)
Just super… super awesome. Man.

ROGER LEMKE
Y’know what Tim, I want people to
see the insurance game for what it
really is– it’s a noble field. I
believe that. Like I say, we’re not
just insuring vehicles and homes
and that. Hell no. We’re insuring
people’s dreams.

TIM
Oh. Yeah. I say that, too…
sometimes.
3.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

ROGER LEMKE
Well shit, you do, don’t you? By
god, I stole your line! Knew I’d
heard that somewhere!

TIM
Oh, no biggie…

ROGER LEMKE
Bummer they cut your little deal
outta the ad, though.

TIM
Ach. Y’know. Got left on the ol’…

A FEMALE CO-WORKER interrupts, accosts Roger and ignores Tim.

FEMALE CO-WORKER
Roger! Look out Brad Pitt!

TIM
The ol’ cutting room floor, right?
(upon being ignored)
Brad Pitt. Ha. That’s…
(then, with forced nonchalance)
Whoa. Cake. Cool.

Tim goes to the cake table. He smiles at the cake, impressed.

TIM (CONT’D)
So awesome.

The icing on the cake, a frosted visage of Roger Lemke,
smiles back.

INT./EXT. TIM’S CAR – DAY (LATE WINTER)

A beige Buick Skylark splashes through a puddle of snow melt
in the glum, isolated hamlet of Brown Valley, WI (pop: 337).

Tim bops his head and sings along as a Parliament song plays
on a Good Times, Great Oldies radio station. A dour OLD LADY
shoveling her driveway stares as he passes by.

EXT. TIM’S HOUSE – DAY

The Skylark pulls into the driveway of a tidy umber-colored
rambler with a nature scene painted on the garage door.
4.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. TIM’S KITCHEN – DAY

Flowered wallpaper. Vinyl flooring. A spoon collection. The
room looks like someone’s grandmother designed it. Tim enters.

He opens the fridge, grabs an A & W Root Beer. He opens a
cupboard, removes a box of Hostess Cupcakes. He sits at the
Formica kitchen table, meticulously eats the cupcake, sips the
soda pop and stares out the window at a bird feeder.

INT. TIM’S BEDROOM – LATER

Tim’s bedroom looks like that of a fastidious teenager. Twin
bed. Orderly desk. Milwaukee Brewers poster (circa 1987).

Tim removes his penny loafers, pleated khakis and Northlands
Insurance polo shirt. He puts on a different pair of pleated
khakis, a maroon turtleneck and some Top-siders.

INT. TIM’S SECOND BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Tim enters another bedroom. This one has a four-poster bed–
clearly a parents room, clearly unused. He opens the closet.

A label reads GIFT CLOSET!!! Each shelf is neatly organized:
Toys, knickknacks, occasion-specific greeting cards. He
selects a Get Well card and a Beanie Baby duck, Quackers.

A doorbell RINGS. Tim hurriedly signs the card. He licks the
envelope as he hustles to the door.

INT. TIM’S LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Tim opens the door to MILLIE VANDERHEI, 54, a thick,
depressive woman dressed like a 7th grade science teacher.

TIM
There she is! How you feeling?

MILLIE
Oh, it’s no big whoop.

Tim pulls the card and Beanie Baby duck from behind his back.

TIM
Ta-da.
(re. the stuffed duck)
Quack, quack. D’you already have
this guy? Wasn’t sure.
5.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

MILLIE
Gayle Syrstäd gave me a Quackers
for Secret Santa last year. I can
probably trade with Nan, though.

Millie sits on Tim’s paisley sofa. She opens the card. On the
front: a Rottweiler in a nurse’s outfit. Inside: “Get Well or
You Deal with Me!” Then in Tim’s writing, “Love, Tim.”

MILLIE (CONT’D)
(chuckles at the card)
Cute. Brandy would never sit still
long enough for me to dress her up
like that. Tell you that right now.
(THEN)
You didn’t have to do this whole
rigmarole, Tim. I told you it’s
just a little diarrhea.

TIM
I know. But for you to miss a day
of school, Millie… I can’t
remember you ever calling in sick
when I had you.

MILLIE
Well I wasn’t going through
menopause when you were in middle
school now was I?

TIM
Negative. Not to my knowledge. Not
to my knowledge.

She nods somberly. They sit there silently for a bit. Then:

TIM (CONT’D)
So. Does your tummy feel good
enough to…?

They exchange a look…

CUT TO:

INT. TIM’S BEDROOM – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Millie rides Tim. Tim palms her breasts. He still has on the
maroon turtleneck. And one brown sock. Their bodies make a
sound like two soft, thick hands apathetically applauding:
Clap-pfft, clop-pfft, clap-ffft.

The twin bed squeaks disapprovingly.
6.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
I can try and… hold it, Mil. Can
you…?

MILLIE
Bring it home. Bring it home.

She waggles her hips with a bit more gusto. He grimaces.

TIM
I’m bringing it. Bringing it!
Bringing it! D’aaaarrgho’awesome…

Tim exhales. Millie exhales. That worked out well.

INT. TIM’S REC ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Millie and Tim watch American Idol. A WOMAN sings Queen’s
YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. Tim harmonizes.

TIM
Ooh, you make me live! You’re my
best friend!

MILLIE
C’mon Tim, I can’t hear.

TIM
Sorry. But you are, babygirl.
(SINGS)
You’re my best friend.

MILLIE
Tss. Goofball.

The song ends. They sit quietly for a bit.

MILLIE (CONT’D)
Y’know Galen and Dar Krause just
did a cruise to the Bahamas? Pretty
reasonable they said, price-wise.

TIM
(mediocre Jamaican accent)
Ya mon, Bahama-mama.

MILLIE
It’s a little different I suppose–
a cruise. But…

A beat, then Millie removes a cruise brochure from her purse.
7.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

MILLIE (CONT’D)
Look, I’m not gonna shilly-shally
around here, Tim. I found a river
cruise through Germany– Viking
Line, real grade-A. It’s what I
want. For the honeymoon.

TIM
(SUDDENLY RATTLED)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait…
Where’s this coming from? We agreed
on Wisconsin Dells for the
honeymoon. It’s what we agreed on.

MILLIE
You’ve been to the Dells two dozen
times…

TIM
So? Roger and Gwen Lemke go to the
Dells every year…

MILLIE
Because they have children. Water
parks are for children…

TIM
Hello, Tommy Bartlett’s Ski, Sky
and Stage Show? It’s not just a
water park…

MILLIE
Timothy, settle. You’ve never even
left the state of Wisconsin. Barely
left Brown Valley…

TIM
What’s so great about…? You’re
not… You’re missing the… We
agreed on the Dells.

He avoids eye contact. Millie takes Tim’s chin in her hands,
forcing him to look at her.

MILLIE
God rest her. Your mom was my best
friend. But it’s going on 20 years
now. You gotta grow up. You gotta
let go. You gotta live a life here.
See?

TIM
I’m living a perfectly fine life. I
don’t know why you’d want to…
(MORE)
8.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
rock the waters or whatever.
Ridiculous.

Tim looks away again, pouting. Millie gives him a motherly
hug. Over her shoulder, Tim watches a TEENAGER belting out
QUE SERA, SERA on American Idol. Then, almost inaudibly:

TIM (CONT’D)
We agreed on the Dells.

FADE OUT:

IN BLACK, a phone RINGS.

INT. TIM’S BEDROOM – THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Tim sleeps alone in his twin bed. The phone rings again. Tim
wakes with a start. He flips on the lamp, picks up the phone:

TIM
Hello… Oh, hey Bill…

A look of profound anguish appears on Tim’s face.

TIM (CONT’D)
Aw jeez. Oh my gosh. No…

The sound of a church organ playing ON EAGLES WINGS fades in.

INT. ST. ANSGAR’S LUTHERAN CHURCH – DAY

In back of a packed church, Millie whispers with WADE BRODT,
60, a bald, bullet-shaped man. The conversation is discreet.

WADE
Guy had it all. Everything you’d
ever want. Y’know he flew a Cessna?
In his spare time?

MILLIE
I always say people like that– who
live fast? They die hard. Look at
River Phoenix.

WADE
Everything you’d ever want.

MILLIE
I just don’t know. To do those
things to yourself. Just perverted.
(SIGH)
Who ever heard of such a thing?
9.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

CLOSE ON ROGER LEMKE’S CASKET

Roger Lemke looks peaceful in death, although it’s hard to
miss the marks on his neck left behind by the belt. Tim is at
the front of a long line of uneasy MOURNERS. Tim holds back
tears as he gently touches the marks on Lemke’s neck.

Tim steps aside to greet the widow Gwen Lemke in a receiving
line. The grief has left her gaunt. She appears medicated.

TIM
I’m… Gwen, I’m so sorry. Roger is–
was– is– a personal hero to me. He
just… he had it all. If there’s…

He is interrupted by Bill Krogstad’s sobs. Tim reaches out to
put a comforting hand on Gwen’s shoulder, but somehow ends up
touching her breast instead. A moment.

TIM (CONT’D)
I’m…

Tim nods sadly as he removes his hand. He walks away.

FADE OUT:

INT. NORTHLANDS INSURANCE – DAY

The drab office is brightened with week-old funeral flowers
and flaccid mylar sympathy balloons.

Tim sits across from a young couple, KURT & PAM GAMBSKY, 20s,
in a small, glassed-in conference room. The couple is tense.

PAM
You just don’t get it, Kurt…

KURT
Aw Christ, Pammy…

TIM
Hang on guys, how’s this sound–
you can both be right.
(pause for effect)
I know you’re probably thinking,
“Oh, an umbrella policy’s only for
rich people.” You know what I say
to that? Bull roar.

The Gambskys smile, comforted. Tim is good at his job.
10.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
Pam, Kurt– I’ve known you guys
since you were little kids. So
let’s don’t think of me as an
“insurance salesman.” Think of me
as your friend who just wants to
help you protect your dreams…

Tim glances up and sees Bill Krogstad staring longingly at
Northlands’ three TWO DIAMOND Award plaques. A beat, then
Krogstad SLAMS HIS FIST THROUGH THE WOOD PANELED WALL! The
couple reels around upon hearing the sound.

TIM (CONT’D)
I’m… Excuse me a sec…

Tim exits the conference room and approaches Krogstad, whose
hand is now bleeding.

TIM (CONT’D)
D’you– can I get you a napkin or
something, Bill? For that?

BILL KROGSTAD
Know how Roger used to get down
there to Cedar Rapids? To the ASMI
Convention? Any idea?

TIM
Um. I’m with Kurt and Pam Gambsky…

BILL KROGSTAD
Flew himself. In a Cessna. Pilot.
(a mournful beat)
It was all worked out. I was going
to ease into retirement in July
while Roger transitioned into his
ownership role.

TIM
Wait, Roger was going to buy
Northlands?

BILL KROGSTAD
All worked out. Shit, Dione already
put the down payment on a time
share. Branson, Black Hills.
Florida. Units all over the place.

TIM
Holy cow.
11.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BILL KROGSTAD
Yeah, whole deal. Now? Now I got my
back up against Christ-knows-what.
No Lemke, no buyer, the wife’s
spending like we won the goddamn
Powerball. And what’s worse,
because of the way, y’know, the way
Roger passed…

Krogstad chokes up. His grief is very real. So is Tim’s.

TIM
The… belt and the lederhosen…?

BILL KROGSTAD
(a nod, a sigh)
Quote-unquote perverted, they’re
saying. Like Northlands has some
kind of stain. Oh, I’m so goddamned
tired…

TIM
Is there…? Can I do anything to
help, or…?

Krogstad hands Tim a Manila folder (bloodying it in the
process). Tim gestures for his customers to hold tight. Tim
opens the folder, reading aloud from a cover page.

TIM (CONT’D)
“Innovations in Hog Farm Risk
Mitigation.” Roger’s Two Diamond
presentation for the ASMI
Convention. I helped prepare it.

BILL KROGSTAD
We need those Two Diamonds more
than ever, Tim. If I’m going to
sell this company, we need people
to feel OK about the Northlands
brand.

TIM
(not getting it)
Mm.

BILL KROGSTAD
I’d go myself but my daughter
Kayla, the heavy one? She unearthed
some Polack to marry her. I’m
locked into that wedding over in
Gladstone. No flex. Locked in.
12.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Whoa-whoa-wait. What are you saying?

BILL KROGSTAD
I’m not asking you to fill Roger
Lemke’s shoes. Not gonna happen.
I’m asking you to deliver his
presentation– to bring me home
those Two Diamonds.

TIM
I can’t go to ASMI. To Iowa. To
Cedar Rapids, Iowa… Why can’t
Lila do it?

BILL KROGSTAD
C’mon Tim. Lila’s about as
charismatic as a bag of hair.

TIM
Bill, I’ve never… I mean, I’ve
dabbled in hog farm risk
mitigation, but I’m no pro…

Tim is really starting to panic.

BILL KROGSTAD
You were what, 16, when I gave you
that filing job? Right after your
mom passed? Raising yourself pretty
much, living all alone. And I’m
thinking, now here’s a kid. Here’s
a kid who’s gonna go places.
(a hand on Tim’s shoulder)
And then, somehow, you kind of just
didn’t. Now, I guess it makes some
sense– a child loses both parents
at an early age, becomes what you
might call stunted. But cripes
almighty, do you want to just sit
there in your folks old house, just
rot away in Brown Valley dating
that…
(SUBTLY DISPARAGING)
… woman the rest of your life?

TIM
Millie and I are getting married.

BILL KROGSTAD
Tss, maybe three’ll be a charm.
(then, emotional)
(MORE)
13.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BILL KROGSTAD (CONT’D)
Point is, I’m not exactly dancing
in the streets here Tim, but it’s a
perception thing. You go down there
to Cedar Rapids, wholesome and pie-
eyed and all that. You show them
that Northlands is a good outfit–
an upstanding Christian outfit…

Tim considers the gravity of this moment.

BILL KROGSTAD (CONT’D)
Aw cripes, say you’ll do it.

Krogstad starts crying again. He hugs Tim, his bloody hand
staining Tim’s canary yellow V-neck sweater. Tim looks up to
see the Gambskys in the conference room staring at him.

MONTAGE —

A melancholic yet uplifting song (Leonard Cohen’s HALLELUJAH,
perhaps) plays as:

– Tim puts birdseed in his backyard feeder. He looks at the
barren trees as he considers his fate.

– Tim Googles “Cedar Rapids.” He looks at photos, crime
statistics, a Chamber of Commerce Youtube video. He closes
his eyes, exhales.

– Tim practices the presentation in front of a mirror. He
works late. He types. He Power Points. Krogstad critiques.

– Tim laminates maps of Cedar Rapids and area attractions.

– Tim pulls a dusty American Tourister suitcase from the
attic. It looks about 40 years old. He packs.

INT./EXT. TIM’S BUICK SKYLARK – MORNING

Tim looks pensive as he drives. He’s wearing a new suit. It’s
a little too big. A greeting card and a Beanie Baby Rooster
bounce along on the passenger’s seat.

Tim pulls up to a SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE. A pick-up truck with the
words Brodt Heating & Cooling is parked in the driveway.

INT. MILLIE’S LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Tim pokes his head into a living room, surprised to see Wade,
the 60-ish bald guy from church, reclining on a Lazy Boy.
14.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Wade’s boots are off. His socks are dirty. He’s watching ESPN
on a TV with an Olan-Mills portrait of Tim & Millie atop it.

WADE
Oh, hiya Tim.

TIM
Hey. Wade. Hey. Is Millie…?

Millie enters in a terry cloth robe. A Yorkshire Terrier
follows her. Millie acts nonchalant. So does the dog.

MILLIE
Hi Tim.
(re. Wade’s presence)
Wade’s cable’s down.

TIM
It’s six AM…?

WADE
Mike & Mike in the Morning. ESPN 2.

TIM
Oh yeah. Those guys. Hilarious. Ha.

WADE
Mm.

TIM
(finally, to Millie)
Well I just wanted to…

He displays the Beanie Baby and the card. She takes them with
a cold smile. Tim notices an identical stuffed rooster on an
oak bookshelf– home to over 155 other Beanie Babies.

TIM (CONT’D)
Oh shoot. You already have a Strut
the Rooster…

MILLIE
So this is it then?
(TO WADE)
Tim’s jetting off to Cedar Rapids
this morning, Wade. Big deal
insurance convention. Iowa.

WADE
That right?

TIM
It’s only four days.
15.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

MILLIE
Won’t go to Germany for our
honeymoon, but for work you can
just gallivant around like Tom
Petty or one of them?

TIM
(TO WADE)
We agreed on the Dells…
(then, to Millie)
Should we maybe talk in the…?

WADE
Oh it don’t bother me.

Tim tries to proceed as if Wade weren’t sitting there.

TIM
If I don’t try to do this, it’s not
just my job, Mil. There are four
other employees whose lives are on
the line. Plus Carol, who does part
time seasonal work. So.

MILLIE
It’s not for certain a new owner
would even keep you guys on.

TIM
No, Bill said he’d make that part
of any deal…

MILLIE
Believe you me, Bill Krogstad is
looking out for one guy. And that’s
Bill Krogstad.

WADE
(OVERTLY DISPARAGING)
Krogstad.

Tim shoots Wade a look.

TIM
It’s… Oh, who am I kidding, I’m a
little scared here. A lot scared.
But not about us. What we’ve got–
we’re like lightning in a bottle,
babygirl. I love you so much, Mil.

He hugs her. Millie melts just a little, yet remains stern.

MILLIE
I want you to be very careful.
16.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
I know. I will. I mean, Cedar
Rapids– there were only four
homicides last year. For a city of
122-thousand that’s pretty darn
good. The forcible rape numbers are
admittedly a bit higher, but…

She fidgets with his tie. A bitter tear skulks down her cheek.

MILLIE
I want you to check in with me.

TIM
I will every day. Twice a day.

MILLIE
Make it three times.

TIM
(LAUGHS)
OK, three times! Sheesh. And I’ll
send a stinkin’ telegram, too.

Tim kisses the warm tears from Millie’s ruddy cheeks. Millie
licks her finger and smooths Tim’s cowlick. Wade just sits
there watching.

EXT. RHINELANDER, WI REGIONAL AIRPORT – DAY

Tim walks up to the tiny municipal airport. He tries the
door. It’s locked. A RETARDED MAN shoveling snow spots Tim.

RETARDED MAN
Airport don’t open for two hours.

TIM
Thanks! Just wanna be sure I make
my flight. Going down to Cedar
Rapids. The big ASMI Convention?

The retarded man nods vacantly and goes back to shoveling.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RHINELANDER, WI REGIONAL AIRPORT – LATER

Tim is the first (and only) person in the security line. An
apathetic TSA AGENT awaits him. Tim has a nervous energy.
17.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Cold enough for you? I’m heading to
Cedar Rapids. Supposed to be up in
the mid-30s down there. S-weet!

TSA AGENT
Any liquids, gels or aerosols must
be placed in a quart-size Zip-Lock.
Laptop computers must be taken out
of the case and placed in…

TIM
Whoa… what’s all this now?

TSA AGENT
Any liquids, gels or aerosols…

BILL KROGSTAD (O.S.)
Tim! Praise Christ you haven’t left
yet.

Bill Krogstad runs up to Tim. He’s out of breath.

TIM
Hey Bill, what’s going on?

BILL KROGSTAD
Can’t believe I forgot to get this
to you. Hang on, lemme…

Krogstad puts his hands on his knees, takes a few deep
breaths. Then he hands Tim a detailed handwritten checklist.

BILL KROGSTAD (CONT’D)
It’s basically an ASMI Convention
Bible. It’s going to tell you who
to talk to, who to avoid, how best
to fellowship and network…

Tim glances at the list, reads the only name under AVOID.

TIM
Dean Ziegler, Stevens Point.

BILL KROGSTAD
Ziegler is a cancer. Sonofabitch
called one of Lemke’s biggest
clients– Joyce Armbrüster? Smeared
Roger’s name and the Northlands’
name. Frickin’ poacher. Avoid
Ziegler like the plague. The fella
I got you rooming with, Ronald
Wilkes– that’s who you stick by.
18.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

By Ziegler’s name, Tim frantically writes, “Poacher” and
“Armbrüster–” making sure not to forget the umlaut.

BILL KROGSTAD (CONT’D)
You got the presentation, right?

TIM
Affirmative.

Tim untucks his shirt, revealing a zippered cummerbund-like
money belt.

TIM (CONT’D)
On me at all times. Plus three back-
up discs.

BILL KROGSTAD
Hey-hey! That kind of prep is pure
Lemke! Didn’t know any better, I’d
say Roger’s spirit had kind of
climbed into you, just planted its
seed inside you there. Atta boy!

High praise indeed. Tim hesitates. Is now the right time?

TIM
Bill… I have to ask. Let’s say
one of these big dogs– your
Allstates, your Prudentials– does
decide to go and buy Northlands…?

BILL KROGSTAD
Said it before, I’ll say it again:
Your job, the office in Brown
Valley– all safe. What you need to
worry about is getting down there
and representing us the best you
can. That’s all you need to worry
about.

Tim swallows hard. Bill brings it in for a hug and inhales
Tim’s hair.

INT. PLANE – DAY

Tim has a window seat. He reads the safety card. He’s sweaty,
anxious. A vaguely swarthy MAN (Indian? Italian? Hard to
tell.), 40s, sits next to him. A perky FLIGHT ATTENDANT
approaches.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
You lucky ducks are obviously
seated in an exit row. Score!
(MORE)
19.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Just gotta make sure you’re willing
and able to assist crew members in
the event of an emergency
evacuation…

The man smiles nonchalantly. Tim tries to play it cool.

TIM
You’re talking what, water landing?
(looks around, whispers)
Terror type deal? Terrorists…?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
It’s really just a formality.

TIM
Believe it or not, I have actually
never been on an airplane before.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Oh, well you’ll do awesome.

TIM
(takes a moment)
OK. If you need any help, I’m in.

The flight attendant smiles politely, if confusedly.

THE PLANE TAKES OFF

Tim looks out the window, watching nervously as the dairy
farms and frozen lakes of northern Wisconsin recede. He
instinctively turns to his neighbor.

TIM
Tim Lippe.

MAN
Ah. David Marinakis.

They shake hands.

TIM
Great to meet you, Dave. Wondering,
what kind of name is Marinakis?

DAVID MARINAKIS
Greek. It’s Greek.

TIM
Marinakis. OK. Mine’s German.
Lippe.
(MORE)
20.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
As in, “Don’t you get lippy with
me, mister.” My grandma used to say
that. Before she passed. Lot of
people pronounce it lip. Course the
high German’s probably more like
lipp-uh.

David Marinakis nods, goes back to his book, seemingly
shutting down the conversation. Tim settles in.

THE PLANE LANDS —

Tim hesitates before stepping onto the jetway– one small
step for man– and just like that, he’s in IOWA!

INT. CEDAR RAPIDS AIRPORT, BAGGAGE CLAIM – DAY

Tim helps David Marinakis take his bag off the carousel.

TIM
Like I say, Dave, it’s not life
insurance so much as it is dream
insurance.

DAVID MARINAKIS
It’s a good way of looking at it.

TIM
I think so.

Tim hands David his card, who takes it with a genuine smile.

TIM (CONT’D)
Let me know how things go with your
Alltel deal, Dave. E-mail me.

DAVID MARINAKIS
Will do, Tim. Thanks.

David exits. Tim stands there waving.

EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS AIRPORT PARKING GARAGE – DAY

Tim emerges from an elevator on the roof of a parking garage.
He inhales the chilly Iowa air. He glances at his rental
agreement and spots his car, a red Chevy Cobalt.

TIM
Hello. Score!

As he approaches the car, he stops. He chuckles, in awe.
21.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
Holy crap. Awesome.

In the distance, the Cedar Rapids skyline looms– its tallest
building, the Alliant Tower stretching 21 stories into the
cloudy sky. Tim snaps a photo with his cell phone.

EXT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME – DAY

The Holidome sign reads, Welcome ASMI `09 Participants!!! Tim
gets out of the rental car. He looks around– not too shabby.
But upon spotting a SIKH CABBIE in a turban, Tim straightens
up and cautiously adjusts his money cummerbund.

As he walks toward the entrance, a pretty but gaunt young
woman in a short denim skirt, BREE, 22, approaches him.

BREE
Hey man, can I bum a heater?

TIM
What’s that now?

BREE
A cigarette?

TIM
Oh, I’m like, “this gal wants to
borrow my heater?” Tss. But no,
sorry, can’t help you there.

BREE
You here for the convention?

TIM
You bet. Tim Lippe. Northlands
Insurance. How `bout yourself?

BREE
Ah, Bree. I’m Bree.

They shake hands.

TIM
Well Bree, it’s nice to meet you.
But let me give you a trade secret.
(STAGE WHISPER)
Keep smoking and your premiums will
go through the roof.

BREE
Thanks Mr. Surgeon General.
(they laugh, then)
(MORE)
22.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BREE (CONT’D)
If you want to party, Tim, let me
know. I’ll be around.

TIM
You bet. Party hearty. Nice
chatting with you, Bree.

People are so friendly. Tim enters the hotel.

INT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME – DAY

Tim walks in. He strolls atop the velvety green carpet, past
a fountain, beneath a golden-colored chandelier and makes his
way to the front desk– blown away. An apple-cheeked clerk,
whose name tag reads TRENT, greets him.

TRENT
Checking in with us, sir?

TIM
You tell me. Never done the hotel
deal before.

TRENT
Well, welcome. I’ll just need to see
a credit card for the incidentals…

TIM
(reads the name tag)
Trent, I was given the impression
that you honored traveler’s checks.

TRENT
Yes, we just need an imprint of
your card. For the incidentals.

TIM
Traveler’s check is a fully insured
method of, y’know. 100 percent.

TRENT
I’m aware of that, sir. We won’t
charge the card unless you rent a
movie or take something from the
mini-bar…

TIM
I’m a non-drinker.

TRENT
It’s standard, sir.
23.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Tim eyes Trent cautiously as he unzips his cummerbund/money
belt. He removes a credit card and reluctantly hands it over.

INT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME, HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Cell phone to his ear, Tim struggles with his bag as he walks
to his room.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Have you seen the pool yet?

TIM
Not yet, but I can smell it. The
chlorine. It’s a super top-notch
place, Mil. You’d be blown away.
Oop, 321. I’m at mi casa. Just a…
lemme see how this deal works.

He examines the card key. He slides it in. It doesn’t work.
Tries again. Doesn’t work. Each time he fails, it beeps.

TIM (CONT’D)
Key’s like a stinkin’ credit card.

Suddenly, the door opens. And standing before Tim is a BLACK
MAN. Tim gasps, drops his suitcase, backs away.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
What? What happened?

TIM
(to the man)
Oh jeez. I’m sorry. I’m… Please.
(turns, whispers into phone)
There’s an Afro-American gentleman
in this room.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Well get the heck outta there!

Tim turns back and smiles, frightened. The man looks confused.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE) (CONT’D)
Tim! Run like hell, Tim!

BLACK MAN
Are you Tim? Tim Lippe?

Tim just smiles a wide, deer-in-headlights smile.

BLACK MAN (CONT’D)
I’m Ronald Wilkes. Bill Krogstad
said we were gonna be roommates?
24.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD WILKES, 45, is conservative in dress and demeanor.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Tim! Tim! Tiiim!

TIM
(INTO PHONE)
Let me call you back, Mil.

Tim clicks off his phone, just stares at Ronald.

RONALD
You are Tim…?

TIM
Um. Yeah. Yes. You bet. For a
minute there I was like, whoa, I’m
gonna be robbed here, or…

Tim laughs loudly. Ronald just looks at Tim. A beat.

TIM (CONT’D)
It’s super… just super great to
meet you, Ronald.

Tim shakes Ronald’s hand, holds onto it for at least two
seconds too long.

RONALD
OK. You want to check out the room
then?

INT. JUNIOR SUITE – CONTINUOUS

Ronald leads Tim into the room, a junior suite with two beds,
a kitchenette and a couch in the separate living room area.

TIM
Check out these digs. Huzzah!

RONALD
Yeah, you could do a lot worse.
(a serious beat)
Look Tim, I gotta put the cards on
the table here. The reason we got
the junior suite upgrade is because
the hotel overbooked– wedding or
some such. Point being, they were
asking folks to take on a third
roommate to consolidate space. Now
to me, being an independent owner,
the savings of adding a third guy
sounded like a real positive.
(MORE)
25.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD (CONT’D)
But if you’ve got any qualms, I
hear you L & C, that’s Loud &
Clear.

Ronald has undoubtedly been called a nerd more than once. To
Tim, however, he is the embodiment of cool and hilarity.

TIM
No. I’m down. Down with that. Heck
yeah. Any idea who we’re gonna be
chilling with, roommate-wise?

RONALD
No. Just hope he doesn’t snore.

TIM
(LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY)
Can you imagine? Or someone who has
terrible gas?! Like, pull my
finger. Brrump! Hello, no thanks!

Tim is giddy like a kid away at camp for the first time.

RONALD
This isn’t Woodstock, Tim. It’s a
regional insurance convention.
Whoever it is, I’m sure he’ll be a
straight shooter.

CUT TO:

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

A pair of massive, scuffed wing-tips walk determinedly down
the hall. We don’t see the man they belong to, but we most
definitely hear him as he passes various CONVENTION GOERS.

MAN (O.S.)
Hey Taco Bill, am I gonna see you
at Horizons tonight? I hear they
got their all-you-care-to-eat pussy
buffet going!

A booming laugh follows as the feet continue down the hall.

INT. JUNIOR SUITE – CONTINUOUS

Tim admires Ronald’s laptop. The screen saver is a photo of a
billboard advertising Ronald Wilkes Insurance. A picture of a
stoic-looking Ronald is the centerpiece of the billboard
along with the slogan, Your Insurance Professional.
26.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD
So far it’s just the one billboard
north of St. Cloud. Course the
traffic load would get me more
eyeballs in the Twin Cities corridor,
but at the end of the day, it’s N-T-
S. Not Too Shabby.

TIM
Ha. N-T-S. That’s hilarious. I’d
love to own my own agency…

The door bursts open. We boom up from the scuffed wing-tips
to reveal DEAN ZIEGLER, 45, whose massive personality just
barely hides an undercurrent of sadness and insecurity.

DEAN
Baroo-baroo, let’s get this party
started you mother-rubbers!

Ronald deflates upon seeing Dean. He clearly knows him.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Ronald Wilkes! No fucking way! The
Ronimal! Gimme some love-uh, my
soul broth-uh!

Dean gives Ronald a bear hug, lifts him off the ground.

RONALD
Turn down the volume, Ziegler. You
just got here, for Pete’s sake.

Tim looks like someone deciding which direction to run from
an oncoming tornado. Dean notices Tim’s look.

DEAN
What’s the matter, friend, never
seen a chocolate-vanilla love
sandwich?! Wait until later when we
get to the buttfucking! Nah, I’m
having fun. Dean Ziegler. Stevens
Point, Wisconsin.

Tim discreetly looks at the checklist Krogstad gave him.
Under AVOID, it says DEAN ZIEGLER.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Don’t worry, I won’t bite. I’m
medicated. Not really. But I should
be. Right Ronimal? So what’s your
handle pal?
27.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD
We drew the short straw with this
pitiful reprobate, Tim. Dean, this
is Tim Lippe.

DEAN
Call me Deanzie. Where you hail
from, Tim Lippe? Quiet-land?

TIM
No. I do not. I’m down from Brown
Valley, Wisconsin.
(POINTED)
Northlands Insurance.

DEAN
Bill Krogstad’s outfit. The Krogger!
(beat, dials it way down)
Aw shit. I was sorry as hell to
hear about Lemke’s passing up
there. That guy was tits as a rep.
Course he thought I was a big, loud
asshole– s’pose he wasn’t too far
off there. No boy, a real tragedy.

TIM
(SUSPICIOUS)
Uh, thanks. Thank you. It’s…
Roger was just a super great man.

DEAN
Amen. He’ll be in my prayers. His
family, too. Tragedy.

All three nod. A moment of solemn silence. Then:

DEAN (CONT’D)
Well. I don’t know about you
wingnuts, but the Deanzie could use
a drinkzie. What say we blow off
the welcome hoo-ha and hit Horizons
for happy hour. Two-for-one
cocktails, 10 cent wings, and an
all-you-care-to-eat pussy buffet!

RONALD
That line was unappealing last
year, Dean. It remains so now.

TIM
I’m planning to watch President
Helgesson’s opening remarks.
28.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN
Oh, don’t get me started on that
smug fuck. Orin Helgesson is a–
pardon my French– a cunt. Just a
steaming wet dog cunt.

Tim stands there slack-jawed– this man is evil.

RONALD
No one’s buying the potty-mouth
nonsense you’re selling, Dean. Tim,
you’ll learn to ignore this
degenerate before too long. Let’s
go hear what Orin has to say.

DEAN
Fine. Have fun ladies… Not.

Tim and Ronald exit. Dean can’t handle the momentary silence.
As he lugs his suitcase into the bedroom:

DEAN (CONT’D)
Party time. Excellent.

INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM – DAY

ORIN HELGESSON, 69, a gentle, avuncular man with a Mr. Rogers
persona, addresses a crowd. A banner reading ASMI `09: Let’s
Build a Bridge to the 22nd Century! hangs above the podium.

ORIN
I’m Orin Helgesson, your ASMI
Midwest Region Chapter President.
But I’m not going to make you play
Hail to the Chief. Not yet anyhow.

Polite laughter from the 60 or so mostly male INSURANCE
WORKERS congregated in the Sunset Terrace Ballroom, which has
neither a terrace nor a window through which to view a sunset.

ORIN (CONT’D)
Seriously, we’ve got a great line-
up for ASMI `09, with our forward-
looking theme, Let’s Build a Bridge
to the 22nd Century! Just so many
innovations– our newsletter, The
ASMI-teer is now fully digital. So
a lot of our breakout sessions will
be dealing with this kind of “E-
Commerce” sort of thing.
(pause for polite applause)
(MORE)
29.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

ORIN (CONT’D)
If you didn’t pick up your Welcome
Kits, be sure and see Mike Pyle,
the gentleman in the– what color’s
that sweater vest Mike?

MIKE PYLE, 35, a round, milky-skinned man who favors sweater
vests, raises his hand. He’s seated near Tim and Ronald.

MIKE PYLE
Beige.

ORIN
In the beige sweater vest. Great.

Orin continues O.S. but we stay with Tim and Ronald.

TIM
(WHISPERING)
I’m worried about this Deanzie guy.
Bill Krogstad told me specifically
to stay the heck away from him.

RONALD
Oh, Dean ran for President against
Orin last year– only got four
votes. He’s running again this
year. He’s just full of bluster.

Tim looks deeply concerned. Back on Orin.

ORIN
… The Two Diamonds are given
every year to the agency that best
exemplifies the ASMI decree: “To
provide high quality insurance
services and related products while
maintaining Commitment to
Community, Country and God.” We
have a record number of entries
this year– over 15 agencies
competing. Good luck to you all.

Tim eyes go wide– Did he say over 15 agencies?!

TIM
Did he say over 15 agencies?

RONALD
Yeah, it’s gonna be brutal this
year. I brought my A-game though.

TIM
You’re competing?
30.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD
Heck yeah. It’s the first year I’ve
ever had a real shot. But the guy
you really have to worry about is
Mike Pyle. He owns the sixth
largest Allstate agency in the
Upper Midwest. The guy’s a shark.

Tim looks at Mike Pyle, the bland-looking man in the sweater
vest. Tim’s confidence is waning. Back on Orin:

ORIN
… moment of silence for the man
many considered to be the Michael
Jordan of Mutual Insurance Agents.
Roger Lemke.

Orin places a 4 x 6 foot poster of Roger Lemke on an easel. A
period of mournful reflection follows. Until Orin breaks out
in song– WERE YOU THERE?, a somber hymn.

ORIN (CONT’D)
Were you there when they crucified
my Lord? Were you there when they
crucified my Lord?

Tim looks around nervously as the entire room joins in song.

CUT TO:

INT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME, HALLWAY – A SHORT WHILE LATER

Tim paces, cell phone to his ear.

TIM
I need to talk to you, Mil. I’m in
over my head here. I feel like I
can’t even swim. It was fun at
first, but now it’s like, I dunno.
I need you so bad, babygirl…

A man’s voice picks up on the other end.

WADE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Millie’s in the john.

TIM
Who’s…? Wade?

WADE (O.S. ON PHONE)
You bet.
31.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Are…? You’re at Millie’s still?

WADE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Badger hockey’s on. My cable’s out.
(SILENCE)
You want her to give you a ring
when she’s off the john?

TIM
Um. Yes, please. And just, would
you tell her I love her very much.

WADE (O.S.)
You got it, bud.

Tim shuts his eyes for a moment– be strong. Be strong.

INT. HOLIDOME FITNESS CENTER – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Tim, in shorts, tube socks and a very old Milwaukee Bucks
tank top, reads the diagram for the chest press machine. He
gives it a try, lifting about 50 pounds. The only other
person in the room is a WOMAN, 37, on a treadmill.

Tim glances her way, and by chance they make eye contact in
the mirror. She smirks. He immediately looks at the floor. We
stay on Tim, lifting weights, eyes to the ground. But we hear
the treadmill stop. Finally, Tim looks up to find:

WOMAN
You were checking me out.

Mortified, Tim drops the weights. They crash to their base.

WOMAN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna have to tell the hotel
there’s a pervo in the fitness
center hitting on innocent women.

TIM
I… Ma’am, no. I’m sorry if you…
I wouldn’t… I have a fiancé!

WOMAN
Unbelievable. That poor woman
should know what you’re up to.

TIM
No, no, no, please. I didn’t…

The woman can’t keep it in. She starts laughing.
32.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

WOMAN
I am so sorry. I’m totally messing
with you. God, I’m a jerk.

TIM
Ha. OK. That was different. Ha.
Yes. Yes you are. A real…
jerkhead.

WOMAN
I’m so sorry. Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

JOAN OSTROWSKI-FOX, middle-management sexy, if slightly too
tan, puts out her hand. Tim shakes it.

TIM
Tim Lippe.

JOAN
Don’t get lippy with me, mister.

Whoa. Tim is taken aback by this. Joan notices Tim’s outfit.

JOAN (CONT’D)
So do you play professional
basketball, Tim? Because that’s a
pretty updated uniform there.

TIM
No I don’t. I’m actually in town
for the ASMI convention.

JOAN
Oh, is that where a bunch of guys
sit around a table looking up the
word “gullible” in a dictionary?

TIM
No, it’s an association of insur…
Oh. You’re screwing with me again.

JOAN
Indeed I am. I’m here for ASMI,
too. In from Oh-my-god, Nebraska.
Just kidding– Omaha.
(wipes off some sweat)
Ugh, I am gross, so I’m going to
bid you farewell, Tim Lippe. See
you at Horizons tonight?

TIM
Um.
33.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN
Unless you were planning on spying
on me in the shower.

Tim reddens, once again going into panic mode. Joan laughs.

JOAN (CONT’D)
God, I am evil. I need help.

Tim tries to think of something clever to say, but just sits
there with his mouth open. He’s never met a woman like this.

INT. LOCKER ROOM – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Tim finishes showering. He steps out of the shower to find
Orin Helgesson, completely naked. Orin has just exited
another shower. He smiles pleasantly at Tim, also naked.

ORIN
How ya doin’?

TIM
Oh. I… OK.
(THEN)
I… I really enjoyed your speech,
President Helgesson.

ORIN
You were in there? Marvelous. Did
you like the part about E-Commerce?

TIM
You bet. Very much, sir.

ORIN
Terrific. It’s the future y’know.
Anyhow, I don’t think we’ve…

TIM
Tim Lippe. Down from Brown Valley,
Wisconsin. Northlands Insurance?

A flash of emotion– maybe even anxiety– on Orin’s face.

ORIN
Whew boy. Tim, what can I say? I
just– we’re all feeling it. I’m so
sorry for the loss…

Orin puts a supportive hand on Tim’s shoulder.
34.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Um, well, it’s rough. Real rough.
Like you said in your remarks,
Roger wasn’t just a great rep, he
was a good father and…

ORIN
And a pilot. Flew a Cessna.

TIM
Yeah. It’s just rough.

ORIN
Come here, son.

Orin gives Tim a hug. Tim juts his butt out so that their
penises don’t touch. A JANITOR enters the locker room, sees
this odd embrace, pauses a beat and hurriedly exits.

TIM
Thank you.

The embrace runs its course. Tim isn’t sure where to look.

ORIN
Tim, I know Bill’s looking to
retire and from the sound of it
he’s on the hook for a pretty sweet
time share.

TIM
Yeah, it sounds pretty top-notch.

ORIN
I want to help him find a buyer,
and God knows I’ll try my
darnedest. But– and it pains me to
say this– there’s a petition going
around trying to rescind all of
Northlands’ Two Diamond Awards.

TIM
What?!

ORIN
I know. But let’s be honest, one of
the core tenets of the Two Diamonds
is Commitment to God. And the way
Roger passed on… well, some folks
are saying that type of activity
isn’t entirely “godly.”

Tim shakes his head, disbelieving.
35.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

ORIN (CONT’D)
You have to understand, this isn’t
some namby-pamby local event. This
is a regional convention, Tim. Now,
I want to help you, but you’re
going to have to help yourself too.

Orin goes to his locker, removes a folder.

ORIN (CONT’D)
Let me give you a few extra drink
coupons for Horizons. Get down
there– fellowship and network. Buy
a few drinks. Let `em see the good
side of Northlands Insurance– the
wholesome side, OK?

TIM
Thank you President Helgesson.

ORIN
Please. Orin. And if you need
anything, Tim– I mean anything–
I’m up in the Tiffany Suite. Room
411. Balcony overlooks the pool.

Tim accepts the stack of drink tickets. He’s scared shitless.

INT. HORIZONS BAR & GRILLE – NIGHT

Tim, with taupe turtleneck tucked in to pleated corduroys,
hesitates at the threshold of Horizons, a brightly lit,
aeronautically-themed establishment. The cavernous bar is
largely empty. Tim considers his drink coupons.

DEAN (O.S.)
Timbo! Over here roomie!

Dean sits alone at the bar. Tim reluctantly goes to him.

DEAN (CONT’D)
How’s she hanging Big Tim? Big time
Big Tim…

TIM
Hello Dean.

DEAN
It’s Deanzie, c’mon.
(shouts at bartender)
Ahoy Cap’n, we got a thirsty sailor
over here!
(MORE)
36.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN (CONT’D)
(re. the bartender)
Kid was in the navy. Seaman.

Dean nudges Tim and laughs as the BARTENDER, 25, approaches.

BARTENDER
What can I getcha?

TIM
Ah. Do you guys have root beer?

DEAN
You want a nipple with that?

TIM
Ah, why would I need a nipple…?

DEAN
Ach, I’m busting your balls. You
don’t get out much, do you buddy?
(spots Tim’s drink coupons)
Whoa, who’d you have to blow to get
all those?

TIM
I didn’t… Nobody. President
Helgesson gave them to me.

DEAN
Smug fuck. Trying to poison my
roommate with his B-S propaganda.

TIM
I really don’t… Orin, President
Helgesson, he wanted to help me
meet people. Just being friendly.

DEAN
(softens, fatherly)
Wow-wow-wow, you are naïve. A rail
cocktail’s, what, four bucks? Times
that by 10 drink coupons. We’re
talking 40 large, Tim. Doesn’t sound
so friendly anymore, does it? Sounds
more like one of these I-scratch-
your-back-you-scratch-mine deals.
(off Tim’s confused look)
I bet ol’ Orin invited you up to
the Tiffany Suite, too, hmm? Fourth
floor? View of the pool? Yup.
(leans in, conspiratorial)
Cocksucker’s buying your vote, pal.
37.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Tim shudders. Dean gestures for Tim to act natural as Ronald
enters with a taciturn Latino man, BILL HERNANDEZ.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Ronimal! Taco Bill! Over here!
(TO TIM)
Bill Hernandez. I call him Taco
Bill. Mexican.

LATER —

Lubricated INSURANCE WORKERS are now singing karaoke. Orin
and Mike Pyle, the sweater vest guy, sit at a table in back.
Orin looks at Tim with concern as Dean regales him.

DEAN
So Big Time Tim, what’re you looking
for pussy-wise here in Cedar CRAPids?

TIM
Ah, that would be nothing…

Tim displays a photo of Millie (a portrait from the junior
high where she teaches) in his wallet.

DEAN
That your mom?

TIM
No. No it is not. Millie and I are
engaged. To be married.

RONALD
You’re married yourself, Ziegler.
The heck’s your moral compass?

DEAN
My moral compass is pointing true
north, if you read me. Right Taco
Bill?

Taco Bill sighs and wanders off to get a drink.

DEAN (CONT’D)
And by the way, Ronimal– I was
married. Was.

RONALD
Oh jeez. You and Patti split? Sorry
to hear that.

DEAN
(barely covering the pain)
Ah, she’s a fucking asshole.
(MORE)
38.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN (CONT’D)
Together 17 years. Lucky if one of
`em was decent. ASS. FUCKING. HOLE.

It’s a weird moment. Dean takes a drink, laughs it off.

DEAN (CONT’D)
What I was talking about anyway,
Ronimal, is that from what I can
deduce, young Timbo Lippe here has
led a– shall I say– sheltered
existence. And I think we oughta
help him, y’know, aroo-aroo!

Dean raises his drink heroically. No one else joins him.

RONALD
ASMI isn’t a vacation for everybody,
Dean. End of the day, Tim’s here to
work and to win. For his agency.

TIM
Exactly. And P-S, I would never,
ever have “relations” or whatever
with another woman.

As fate– that wily minx– would have it…

JOAN (O.S.)
Hubba-hubba, check out these studs.

It’s Joan Ostrowski-Fox, the woman Tim met in the gym. Dean
and Ronald get up, greet her warmly. Tim looks at his soda.

RONALD
Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

DEAN
The O-Fox!

Joan does an ironic, flirtatious curtsy.

JOAN
Here she is, Miss America.

RONALD
You fly in from Omaha, Joan?

JOAN
Yup. And boy are my arms tired.

Ronald giggles, more animated than we’ve seen him.
39.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN (CONT’D)
No, not really. I drove. Deanzie,
let me say…
(does Billy Crystal character)
… you look maah-velous!

DEAN
(does a bad Austin Powers)
Oh yeah baby. Shag-a-licious!

They laugh. Tim stares ahead, wishing for invisibility.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Tim, this is the Queen Bee of ASMI,
Joan Ostrowski-Fox. The O-Fox.

Tim turns around, acts like he just now recognizes Joan.

TIM
Hey. Ha. From the fitness center.

JOAN
Hey! It’s Tim “don’t get lippy with
me” Lippe.

RONALD
You guys met?

JOAN
Oh yeah, and I was very naughty in
there. I’m sorry about that, Tim.

DEAN
No she’s not.

JOAN
No I’m not.
(THEN)
Shots! What’ll it be, gentlemen?

DEAN
Oh yeah, Jaeger time!

RONALD
Oh what the heck. Drambuie.

JOAN
Lippe?

TIM
Oh, I don’t, ah…

The peer pressure! Tim scans the liquor behind the bar,
settles on a bottle that looks impressive.
40.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
Ah… Grenadine? Please.

SLAM CUT TO:

SHOT POUNDING – MOMENTS LATER

Joan, Ronald and Dean wince as they slam their shots. Tim
sips the thick red syrup, surprised by its sweetness.

JOAN
Careful you don’t get too loaded,
Lippe, or I might have to take
advantage of you.

Joan squeezes Tim’s thigh. Tim bolts off of his stool.

TIM
It’s been a super long day. I, ah,
better… Good night…

Tim awkwardly leaves the bar. Dean nudges Joan.

DEAN
(sings Hall & Oates)
Whoa-o here she comes– she’s a man
eater!

As Tim hurries out of the bar, Bree, the woman in the denim
skirt who Tim met outside enters. She’s locking arms with a
stout INSURER, 49. Tim pauses long enough to say hi.

TIM
Hello Bree.

BREE
(VAGUELY SEXY)
Hey. Hey.

With that, Tim is gone…

INT. MILLIE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Millie is on the phone in her bathrobe. Her dog sits with her.

MILLIE
Marlene’s brother’s back in the
hospital, so bridge got canceled.
So we just watched hockey.

TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
We?
41.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Wade is still there watching TV. He’s drinking a beer.

MILLIE
Me and Wade.

INT. JUNIOR SUITE – CONTINUOUS

Tim sits on a roll-away bed in his pajamas. He’s on his cell.

TIM
Wade.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
He says hey.

TIM
Oh. Tell him hey.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Tim says hey…

A beat of silence. Tim looks irritated.

MILLIE (O. S. ON PHONE) (CONT’D)
I picked up that diet wet food for
Brandy today.

TIM
I have to do some work before bed,
so…

MILLIE (O. S. ON PHONE)
(TERSE)
Well I should let you go.

TIM
No, it’s– I love you so bad,
babygirl. It’s so hard here. I just
miss you.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
I miss you, too, Tim. But this was
your decision. You have to act like
a big boy now.

TIM
Tss. Yeah, yeah. Keep reminding me.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
You’ll be fine. Just be careful.

TIM
OK. You, too. I love you.
42.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Tim hangs up, world-weary.

INT. JUNIOR SUITE BATHROOM – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Tim sits on the toilet. His laptop sits on the counter, the
Two Diamond presentation on the screen. He practices for the
full-length mirror on back of the bathroom door.

TIM
Current risk mitigation mechanisms
available to hog farm operations
include futures and options to…

The bathroom door opens. It’s Deanzie. Tim shrieks.

TIM (CONT’D)
I’m in here!

DEAN
(WHISPERING)
I know. This needs to be private.
(WHIFFS)
Whoa. Something didn’t agree with
you, did it? Second thought, meet
me in the stairwell after you wrap
things up in here.

INT. STAIRWELL – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Deanzie sips from a mini-bar bottle of rum as Tim, now in a
flannel bathrobe and slippers, enters the dingy stairwell.

TIM
What the heck is going on here?

DEAN
You sound like my fuckin’ wife,
Timbo. Jesus. Ex, I should say. EX.

Dean sits heavily on the cement stairs. He hiccups, burps.
Tim looks at Dean with a feeling that borders pity.

TIM
Are you drunk?

DEAN
Fuck yeah!
(calms himself, whispers)
Fuck yeah. But we didn’t get to
finish our little confab back at
the bar. I figured some shit out.
(MORE)
43.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN (CONT’D)
Like I told you, no shocker–
Helgesson’s buttering you up to get
you in his camp, because he knows
you and me are close…

TIM
We’re not close…

DEAN
Close enough. You’re voting for me
for President, right?

TIM
No I’m not.

DEAN
Well anyway, there’s a petition
going around trying to take away
your company’s Two Diamond Awards.

TIM
I know. I heard.

DEAN
Well hear this: After you left the
bar, Mike Pyle comes up to me–
Pyle of shit, I call him– and he
asks do I want to sign this thing.
And I go, “Lemke might have been a
class-A deviant, but the guy was
tits as a rep…”

TIM
Pardon my French, Dean, but that’s
a bunch of bull roar. My boss, Bill
Krogstad? He told me how you called
up Joyce Armbrüster and smeared
Roger’s name all over town…

DEAN
Joyce who…? Oh, no-no-no, whoa-
whoa-whoa, that old whore called
ME. Harping about Lemke being a
pervert and how she wants to take
her business elsewhere. So I says,
“OK, I’ll run some numbers.” Well,
she calls back later that same day,
says she got Krogstad to lower her
premium. Which is all the greasy
twat wanted in the first place.

TIM
So wait, you didn’t call her?
44.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN
I may be a lot of things, but
poacher ain’t one of `em.

Tim lets this sink in. Dean hiccups and burps again.

TIM
So what’s with this petition?

DEAN
Personally? I think Mike Pyle of
Shit started the thing as a way to
drive down the price of your
agency. Dollars to donuts he wants
to swoop in and pick up Northlands
at a bargain basement price. And
you know what else I think? I think
Orin’s in on the deal somehow.

What? That’s impossible.

TIM
What? That’s impossible.

DEAN
I can’t quite figure it myself, but
I know what I know. And what I know
is you’re wading into some duvious,
er dubious, shit. Just be careful.

Tim looks shell-shocked. What a long, long day it’s been.

DISSOLVE TO:

A SERIES OF SHOTS — AS SLUMBER OVERTAKES THE HOLIDOME

– IN JOAN OSTROWSKI-FOX’S ROOM: Joan is bent over her tub,
applying a Clairol Nice `N’ Easy home hair color kit. She
gets up, puts on a shower cap . She applies cold cream to her
face. She looks tired and decidedly middle-aged.

– IN THE HALLWAY: Bree drunkenly escorts a different INSURER
back to his room.

– IN THE JUNIOR SUITE BEDROOM: Ronald sleeps soundly, gently
snoring. Tim tosses and turns in his cot. He looks out into
the living room where he sees:

Deanzie at the desk chair, gently masturbating. We move in to
see what he’s looking at: A photo of a woman in a bikini.
She’s attractive enough, carrying a few too many pounds.
Certainly no supermodel. Pull out to reveal:
45.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

The woman is the subject of a Christmas photo card. The typed
script reads, Happy Holidays from Dean & Patti Ziegler.
Christmas `93, Panama City Beach, FLA.

Next to the woman stands a younger, slimmer Deanzie.

FADE OUT:

INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM – THE NEXT MORNING

Tim holds hands with Ronald and a DOUGHY MAN at a round table
in a room full of people holding hands. Orin says a prayer.

ORIN
… In Your Name we pray Lord Jesus,
Son of God, Author of our Salvation,
our Redeemer, our Truth. Amen.

Amen. The gathered INSURERS head to the breakfast buffet.

RONALD
Orin knows how to lead a prayer
breakfast, tell you what.

TIM
Hmm…? Oh. Yeah.

RONALD
Little overwhelming? All this?

TIM
Hello, thank you. I feel like my
head is gonna like…
(makes explosion face)
Y’know?

RONALD
Oh I hear ya L & C. Loud and clear.
I was the same way when I first
came to ASMI. The deciding which
break-out sessions to attend, plus
the politics, the pressure, the not
knowing who to trust…

Orin catches Tim’s eye, gives him a friendly wink. Just then,
Tim’s phone rings. He looks at the caller ID.

TIM
Excuse me, Ronald. It’s my boss.
(ANSWERS PHONE)
This is Tim.
46.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT./EXT. BILL KROGSTAD’S BUICK LESABRE – DAY

Bill Krogstad talks on the phone as he drives. His wife,
DIONE, crochets in the passenger’s seat.

BILL KROGSTAD
Tim. Bill Krogstad. Got a call from
Orin Helgesson. Tells me he’s
worried about you. Tells me you’re
palling around with Dean Ziegler.
Laughing at his jokes, buying him
drinks…

TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
I… No…

BILL KROGSTAD
What’s the ONE thing I told you to
do? The one thing, Tim? Steer clear
of Dean Ziegler. GODDAMNIT, you’re
lousing the whole thing up!

DIONE KROGSTAD
Bill…

BILL KROGSTAD
Not now Dione.

INT. HOLIDOME LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

Tim tries to get a word in.

TIM
Bill, I… That Dean Ziegler– he
was trying to warn me about Orin.

BILL KROGSTAD (O.S. ON PHONE)
Warn you about Orin? Orin Helgesson
has been ASMI Midwest Region
President for 13 years! He is a
LEGEND! And what do you do?! You go
and pal around with his sworn enemy–
who, P.S., is a drunken loser!

TIM
Bill, I’m sorry…

INT. BILL KROGSTAD’S LESABRE – CONTINUOUS

Krogstad punches the car roof.
47.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BILL KROGSTAD
I sent you to ASMI to restore our
image, Tim. One day into the deal
you’re lousing the whole thing up!
(TO DIONE)
See how far Gladstone is from Cedar
Rapids, Dione. Look in the atlas.

DIONE KROGSTAD
You’re not driving to Iowa, Bill.
This is your daughter’s wedding.

BILL KROGSTAD
Oh cripes, you know as well as I do
that Polack’s gonna head for the
hills the second he gets his papers.
But no, you want to end up in the
poor house, Dione, we’ll go. Let’s
just keep on cashing checks we
don’t have…

DIONE KROGSTAD
We are going to our daughter’s
wedding, Bill.

INT. HOLIDOME LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

Tim deflates, actually fighting back tears.

TIM
I didn’t know I did anything wrong.

BILL KROGSTAD (O.S. ON PHONE)
Well you better try doing something
right, Lippe. Because if you keep
lousing up, we all by god starve!
And don’t you tell me to calm down
Dione!

Krogstad hangs up. Rattled, Tim hurries for the exit. He gets
in the revolving door when he spots Joan Ostrowski-Fox
outside having a cigarette. Rather than face her, Tim keeps
going in the revolving door. But she sees him and waves.

EXT. HOLIDOME – CONTINUOUS

Tim does one more turn in the revolving door and steps out.

JOAN
I’m a very bad girl. But I swear I
only smoke in Cedar Rapids. Care
for a Virginia Slim, Lippe?
48.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Tim just shakes his head, unable to hide his despondence.

JOAN (CONT’D)
Whoa, what’s wrong?

TIM
Mm, I don’t know. Only everything.

Joan gives him a kind, gentle smile.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS PARK – DAY (A LITTLE WHILE LATER)

Tim and Joan swing on a swing set in a dreary little park
overlooking the Cedar River. It is a cold, gray day.

TIM
He didn’t have to yell at me. I
didn’t do anything wrong. I’m
trying my hardest.

JOAN
D’you want me to kick his butt?

TIM
Could you?

JOAN
Absolutely. I know Krogstad. I could
take him. `Sides, I’m a ninja. A nin-
jette, actually. Hoo-waaaah!
(TIM CHUCKLES)
So Lippe, how’d you end up in the
insurance game? God that sounded
dorky– insurance game.
(does 40s-style Cagney)
Look here, see, how’d you end up in
the insurance game, see…?

TIM
You are freaky.
(laughs, then)
No, it’s kind of weird how I got
interested in insurance, actually.
When I was six, my dad got killed
in a sawmill accident.

JOAN
Oh my God.
49.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Yeah. Not good. But after he died,
our insurance agent fought like a
tiger against the sawmill to make
sure me and my mom were taken care
of. And we were.
(BEAT)
The crazy thing– our agent was
actually Bill Krogstad.

JOAN
No way. Really?

TIM
He had just opened Northlands.
Anyway, I remember thinking, this
guy’s a hero. A real hero. So even
if he doesn’t always treat me, like
y’know… whatever now– I’ll never
forget that.

Tim jumps off the swing, taking care not to slip in the snow.
Joan jumps off. They walk toward the river, silent for a bit.

TIM (CONT’D)
This river– the Cedar River? It
flooded the whole city a couple
years ago.

JOAN
I remember that. Massive disaster.

TIM
People talk about the firemen and
policemen and that. But think about
all the claims in a disaster like
that– how hard those agents worked
to make sure people’s lives weren’t
left in the lurch. We’re talking
billions of dollars in damages,
literally. And claim by claim,
dream by dream, those agents helped
rebuild this city. I’m telling you,
it’s a noble calling. I really
believe that.

JOAN
You realize you just made it sound
cool to be an insurance salesman?
You are a hero, Lippe.

TIM
Tss. I wish.
50.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN
No, I can tell. You’re the Superman
type. Kind of dweeby on the surface
but a real frickin’ stud underneath.
They’d call you Insurance Man– put
a big red “I” on your chest…

TIM
Well, even if you’re being full of
it, thanks for saying that anyway.

JOAN
Well, you’re welcome.
(THEN)
So can you fly me back to the
hotel, Insurance Man? I’m freezing
my arse off.

He laughs, sufficiently cheered up. She snaps her fingers and
starts heading back.

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – DAY

Dean and Orin argue. Ronald tries to stay out of it.

DEAN
I’m saying a Bridge to the 22nd
Century is a stupid theme,
Helgesson. Not a goddamn one of us
is even going to be alive in the
22nd Century…

ORIN
Oh, and I suppose under a Dean
Ziegler administration, we’d just
abandon E-Commerce and all that,
huh? What’s your take, Ronald?

RONALD
End of the day, you know I’m a big
supporter of yours, Orin…

DEAN
Stab me in the fucking back why
don’t you, Wilkes…

RONALD
Why would I stab you in the back,
Dean, when I’m telling you to your
face that I think you’d be a lousy
President?
51.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

That deflates the tension. The three men are laughing as Tim
approaches. Dean spots him first.

DEAN
Timbo! Sorry about that gigantic
boner I got while we were spooning.

Tim freezes, looks at Orin.

TIM
We didn’t spoon, Orin…

ORIN
To each his own, Tim.
(gives Tim a kind wink)
I’m teasing, of course. Well, I
gotta run to an Executive Council
meeting. You fellas really ought to
check out Mike Pyle’s Prop/Cas
seminar…

DEAN
Pyle of shit.

ORIN
Mike’s a dynamite orator. I think
you’d enjoy it. We’ll see ya.

Orin walks away.

DEAN
Smug fuck.
(then, to Tim & Ronald)
So who’s ready for a drink?

RONALD
It’s 11 in the morning.

DEAN
(MIMICS)
It’s 11 in the morning. Can you
believe this guy? C’mon Timbo,
let’s get the flock outta here.

TIM
You need to leave me alone.

Dean and Ronald watch curiously as Tim practically runs away.
52.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. MEETING ROOM – LATER THAT MORNING

Tim, Ronald and Joan sit on folding chairs in the front row.
Mike Pyle, his creamy skin offset by an aquamarine sweater
vest, speaks with subdued energy to the half-full room.

MIKE PYLE
I’d like to share a humorous
anecdote. A gentleman is drowning
in a lake or pond, and he’s 20 feet
offshore. Well, along comes an
actuary. And this actuary sees the
drowning gentleman and throws him
an 11 foot rope. And the gentleman
says, “But I’m 20 feet offshore!”
And the actuary says, “Well, I’m
meeting you MORE than halfway.”

The room busts up laughing. Tim takes notes.

MIKE PYLE (CONT’D)
So Property/Casualty Insurance, or
Prop/Cas, it’s one of the most
dynamic areas of our industry…

Mike Pyle pauses as a HOTEL CLERK enters, whispers something
to him and hands him a note. Mike reads the note.

MIKE PYLE (CONT’D)
Ah, is there a Tim Lip in here?
There’s an emergency call.

Tim looks concerned as he rises.

INT. HOLIDOME FRONT DESK – MOMENTS LATER

Tim takes the phone from the DESK CLERK.

TIM
Hello.

VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Herro Mr. Tim, my name Chin Chang.
There bad news about your fiancé.

TIM
Millie? Something happened…?

VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Ah, you wise man Mr. Tim. She die
in horrible car accident…
53.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Tim’s stomach drops.

VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE) (CONT’D)
… but her dying wish for you, Mr.
Tim, to get shit-face with Deanzie.

Whip pan to reveal Dean on another house phone.

DEAN
Timbo! Turn around!

Tim turns, sees Dean. A torrent of anger rises. Tim charges
at Dean. He shoves him. Dean is a much larger man and is
therefore impervious to Tim’s inelegant, girlish assault.
Despite the low-key nature of the melee, it draws the
attention of Trent, the desk clerk.

TRENT
Gentlemen! I will call security.

Tim deflates. He gives Dean one more shove. Dean laughs.

TIM
What the H did I ever do to you,
you a-hole.

Tim walks away. Dean calls after him.

DEAN
Come on bud, I was having fun.

INT. JUNIOR SUITE – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Tim sits on his cot. He is on his cell phone.

TIM
I just wanted to hear your voice.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Brandy, no! Bad girl! Sorry, she’s
giving me grief over this new wet
food. What did you need now, Tim?

TIM
Nothing. Nothing really…

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Well I for one feel like I ought to
be on the fire department, I’m
putting out so many fires. Lucy
Kofnetka asked me to do altar guild
for her. Again.
54.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Oh.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Patti told me Lucy’s seeing some
guy who doesn’t even go to church,
so she apparently feels no need to
maintain her responsibil… Brandy!
No! She’s going number two on the
floor! No! You get outside! I’ll
call you later, Tim…

He hangs up. He exhales. He looks out the window: An
Applebee’s. A Super Target. Traffic on the distant interstate.

Something is bubbling in Tim– maybe not cauldron of lava;
more like a cup of soup left in the microwave a bit too long.
But still, there’s a boiling, churning glow behind his eyes.

INT. NOTTINGHAM BANQUET ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Tim determinedly enters a banquet room where VENDORS have set
up booths. He approaches a WOMAN at a table with a sign that
says Met Life Scavenger Hunt!

TIM
I’d like to sign up for the
scavenger hunt.

WOMAN
Super. Teaming with a co-worker or
are you in need of a partner?
(off Tim’s look)
This is a team event, like the
Amazing Race. On TV? But instead of
going around the world, you look
for stuff in Cedar Rapids. And
instead of a million dollars, the
winning team gets a $75 gift card
for Westdale, which is…

TIM
Eastern Iowa’s largest two-story
mall. I know. Sweet.
(a thought, a moment)
And yes, I do have a teammate.

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY (OUTSIDE THE CONFERENCE ROOM) – DAY

Ronald and Joan exit the Seminar. They spot Tim.
55.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD
Everything OK?

JOAN
Yeah, what was that call?

TIM
Oh, nothing. Say Joan, you have
something on your blouse.

Joan looks down at her blouse. Tim flicks her chin.

TIM (CONT’D)
Burn.

JOAN
(LAUGHS)
You are very weird…

TIM
(bad Elvis impersonation)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
(AWKWARD)
So, ah, I signed you up for the
Scavenger Hunt. To be my teammate.
In the Scavenger Hunt.

JOAN
Really? Why?

TIM
Uh, well I… Because Ronald
already had a teammate…

RONALD
Bill Hernandez?

JOAN
Taco Bill.

TIM
… And I thought you’d– we’d– be
y’know, a decent team. So…
(then, firm)
I think you should do it.

JOAN
Heck yeah! I get to be Insurance
Man’s sidekick. We’re going to kick
some ASS!

A few PEOPLE look curiously at Joan. Tim stands up a bit
straighter. This is good. This is good.
56.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM – LATER THAT DAY

Orin, in a theme-appropriate safari hat, addresses the 10
TEAMS. Among them: Tim & Joan, Ronald & Taco Bill, Mike Pyle
& a FRIZZY-HAIRED WOMAN. Dean is absent.

ORIN
Like last year there’ll be a few
physical challenges…

TIM
(TO JOAN)
I am super pumped!

JOAN
(WHISPERS)
Whoo-hoo.

ORIN
Course this should be considered a
fun event, in the spirit of team
building. You can find your first
clue “under the sea.” By which I
mean in the pool area. So ready,
set, race!

As the teams take off for the pool, Dean enters. Tim pauses
long enough to say:

TIM
You’re going down, a-hole.

Just then, Dean’s partner, a MAN in an electric wheelchair,
PERRY KUHN, 29, rolls in. They high five and whoo-hoo.

DEAN
Let’s roll, Perry– Perry-plegic.
Get it, like paraplegic? But…

PERRY
Yeah. Good one, Dean-tard. Like
retard, but Dean-tard. Get it?

Dean laughs as he and Perry follow the other contestants.

INT. HOLIDOME POOL AREA – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

The pool is large and reasonably impressive, with a slide,
lawn furniture, a whirlpool and a video arcade nearby. The
contestants rush in. Tim spots something on the bottom of the
pool. A series of bricks spell out: PLANET X.
57.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Check it out– Planet X!

Tim unzips his hidden cummerbund/money belt. He pulls out a
small laminated packet, held together with metal rings.

TIM (CONT’D)
I compiled a ton of info on Cedar
Rapids. I’ve got a sweet laminator
in my basement.

JOAN
Ooh, that’s hot…

TIM
(flips through his packet)
… Maps, area attractions, crime
stats, local customs…

JOAN
Look at you…

TIM
Bingo! Right here– Planet X Family
Fun Center. Let’s go. Act natural.

Joan cracks up. They walk out casually. For good measure:

JOAN
What a gyp. There are no stinkin’
clues in here.

INT./EXT. TIM’S RENTAL CAR – DAY

Tim and Joan laugh as he peels out of the parking lot.

TIM
OK, I think we’re going to want to
take Blair’s Ferry Road to Avenue
C, then probably east on 100.

JOAN
Why would you possibly know that?

TIM
I memorized the major thoroughfares
and landmarks in the metro area.

Rather than say anything, Joan just shakes her head and turns
on the radio. GROOVE IS IN THE HEART kicks in, providing a:

MUSIC BED OVER:
58.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

THE SCAVENGER HUNT MONTAGE —

INT. PLANET X FAMILY FUN CENTER – DAY

Tim, Joan and the other teams bound through a huge, Martian-
themed ball pit. They start digging through the balls. Perry
sits dejectedly off to the side in his wheelchair.

Tim and Ronald shove past Mike Pyle, knocking him down. Tim
is the first to discover a foam “moon rock” amid the balls.
The rock reads, “ASMI ROCKS!” Taped to the bottom, a message:

TIM
(READS MESSAGE)
“You’ve seen the future, now Czech
out Cedar Rapid’s past.” But it’s
Czech, like Czechoslovakia. C’mon!

SERIES OF SHOTS —

– AT THE NATIONAL CZECH MUSEUM: A traditionally costumed
CZECH WOMAN, 80, shows Tim and Joan how to paint an EGG. The
egg is lovely, with intricate patterns and vibrant colors.

– IN THE CAR: Joan reads through Tim’s laminated booklet as
he drives. She’s really getting into it, too. Tim’s phone
keeps ringing. It’s Millie. He ignores it.

– IN A GYMNASIUM: Ronald awkwardly tries to make a basket,
becomes upset when he misses. Joan swishes a 3-pointer.

– AT A DAIRY FARM: The teams milk cows. Mike Pyle is
particularly proficient. Dean can’t help himself.

DEAN
Know what that cow’s thinking,
Pyle? She’s thinking, “quit pulling
on my tits and fuck me already.”

– IN A PARKING LOT: Dean loads Perry into a handicap-
accessible van as Mike Pyle and his partner blow past them.

– AT THE IOWA PORK SHRINE: Joan gobbles down hot dogs in a
speed eating contest. Tim cheers her on.

JOAN
Ugh. I’m gonna puke.

TIM
No, you’re doing great, Joan. And
you look super awesome with a
wiener in your mouth.
59.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN
(stunned, mouth full)
Oh my God, did you just make a dick
joke, Lippe?

TIM
No.
(giggles, with pride)
Maybe.

Joan bites seductively into her hot dog. The others are close
behind. Except Ronald’s partner, Taco Bill, who is vomiting.

EXT. SILO ADVENTURE PARK – DAY (LATE AFTERNOON)

The sun is low. Long, phallic shadows are cast by a series of
70-foot silos which are covered with thick sheets of ice.

Tim and Joan run up to Orin, who is waiting by the silos.

ORIN
OK guys, this is it. First team to
complete this challenge wins the
whole shootin’ match.
(unfurls a scroll, reads)
ASMI’s past is behind us; But our
future looks nice; Let’s Build a
Bridge to the 22nd Century… by
scaling this silo of ice!

Some DUDES with ice climbing equipment– ropes, picks, etc.
appear. Tim looks petrified. Joan shakes her head.

JOAN
That doesn’t even… There’s no
such thing as silo ice climbing.

TIM
No, it’s actually a big thing in
Iowa. ABC news did a story about
it. I saw it on YouTube.

JOAN
Of course you did. Well, you can do
it then…

TIM
Uh-uh, absolutely not. I’m scared
crapless of heights.

JOAN
You need to get over it, Lippe, cuz
I’m not climbing jack.
(MORE)
60.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN (CONT’D)
Come on Insurance Man– leap tall
buildings in a single bound and all
that…

Tim’s nostrils flair. Just then, Mike Pyle and his partner
arrive. Tim looks to the top of the silo. It is dizzyingly
high. He shuts his eyes for a moment, exhales.

TIM
Yeah. Let’s do this thing.

Orin turns on a boom box, which blasts some triumphant music
(Whitesnake’s HERE I GO AGAIN, perhaps).

QUICK CUTS: The Dudes get Tim and Mike Pyle into their
climbing gear– harnesses, helmets, crampons.

And they start climbing. Sort of. Tim jams his pick into the
ice. He tries to pull himself up, but can’t. Mike fares
worse. He can’t even get his pick to stick in the ice.

TIM (CONT’D)
Hang on… How’s it…?

MIKE PYLE
Little help here…

The Dudes shout instructions. Tim and Mike try again. To no
avail. Neither could do a pull-up if his life depended on it.

A LITTLE WHILE LATER —

All the contestants have shown up. But not a damn one of them
can get more than a foot off the ground.

TIM
Ugh. This is frickin’ hard.

RONALD
Really hard.

DEAN
I think I just shit my pants.

Joan cheers. Orin looks to the Dudes, who shrug.

A LITTLE WHILE LATER —

Orin talks on his cell phone, conferring. The contestants
wait in a field, shivering. The sun is getting lower. Orin
hangs up, sighs, shuts off the uplifting music.
61.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

ORIN
OK gang, that was Rick Martini with
the National Chapter. Here’s the
deal. Since no one could do the
final task, and since Joan and Tim
were the first team to get here,
we’re just gonna go ahead and award
them the first place prize. Unless
anyone’s got a problem with that?

Ronald mutters to himself, frustrated with his performance.

RONALD
Dangit. You could’ve done better,
Wilkes.

TIM
Wait, we won?

ORIN
Yup. So here you guys go. Your $75
gift card for the Westdale Mall.

Orin hands Joan the gift card. Despite the anticlimax, Tim is
overjoyed. He picks up Joan and spins her around. Everyone
else just wanders away.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TIM’S RENTAL CAR (DRIVING) – THAT EVENING

Tim is ebullient. Joan rides shotgun. The screen on Tim’s
phone says that he’s missed 11 calls. It rings again.

TIM
Oh crap. I forgot…
(ANSWERS PHONE)
Hey, Millie.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
I have been trying to reach you for
the last eight hours, Timothy. I
was going to call the police. Where
have you been?

TIM
I’m sorry, Mil. I signed up for
this scavenger hunt, and check it
out– we won! My teammate and I,
that is. Joan.

JOAN
Hi Millie!
62.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
That was Joan saying hi.
(beat, to Joan)
Millie says hi.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
I did not say hi. I didn’t say
anything. If you had asked, I would
have told you that I’ve been at the
vet half the day because Brandy
swallowed a pencil eraser.

Something dawns on Tim– who gives a shit. He glances at Joan
and her skirt and her exposed knee.

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE) (CONT’D)
Lucky for us it came out naturally
or we’d have been looking at
surgery.

Tim pulls into a spot in the Westdale Mall parking lot. He
gestures for Joan to wait a second.

JOAN
I’ll just meet you inside.

TIM
OK. Sounds good.
(TO MILLIE)
Sorry Mil, go ahead.

INT. MILLIE’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Millie looks wounded.

MILLIE
So who’s this Joan?

EXT. WESTDALE MALL – CONTINUOUS

Tim gets out of the car.

TIM
Just some gal from Omaha they
paired me up with. Between you and
me, she’s a little different. Real
hyper– one of these types who kind
of overdoes it. But for a 75 dollar
gift card, I’m not going to
complain.
63.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
You promised you’d check in with
me. I’m very disappointed.

TIM
(PLAYFUL)
OK, Mom…

Silence. It’s as though a profound revelation has just
slipped out. As if, in an instant, everything has changed.

INT. MILLIE’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Millie’s heart sinks. She looks at her Beanie Babies.

MILLIE
Well. You obviously have more
important things to do than talk to
me. My brother and I were just
getting ready to go for fish at the
Eagles anyhow.

Reveal: Wade is sitting in his rightful throne, watching an
aerobics show on TV. Millie snaps at him.

MILLIE (CONT’D)
Go warm up the car, Wade.

TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
Mil, I didn’t…

MILLIE
It’s fine. You’ll call me some time
when it’s convenient for you, Tim.
Good Night.

Millie hangs up. Wade gives her a supportive shrug.

EXT. WESTDALE MALL – CONTINUOUS

Tim snaps his phone shut. What just happened? He considers
his options for a moment.

INT. WESTDALE MALL – MOMENTS LATER

Joan window shops at a LensCrafters. Tim approaches her.

TIM
Hey. What say we just use the gift
certificate to get a nice supper
here? At the mall.
64.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Joan smiles at him, and we:

CUT TO:

INT. OLIVE GARDEN – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Tim approaches the Olive Garden MAÎTRE D’.

TIM
We have a gift card. But I didn’t
make a reservation. Is that OK?

Save for three tables of ELDERLY PEOPLE, the place is empty.

MAÎTRE D’
Right this way, sir.

Tim raises his eyebrows to Joan– not too shabby.

INT. OLIVE GARDEN, ROMANTIC BOOTH – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Tim and Joan are seated in a candlelit booth. Opera Muzak
tinkles. If you didn’t know this to be a mall-based chain,
you might think it a romantic Italian restaurant. Maybe.

An acne-scarred WAITER, 21, approaches with a tray.

WAITER
Coors Lite for the madam. A cream
sherry for monsieur. And here are
some bottomless bread sticks.

TIM
Nice. Thanks.

The waiter exits. Tim raises his glass for a toast.

TIM (CONT’D)
To victory. To new friends. To life.
And all the joys of living it.

JOAN
That’s really nice. Cheers.

They clink glasses. Tim takes a dainty sip of his sherry.

TIM
Mm, it does taste a lot like
communion wine. Awesome.
65.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

LATER —

Joan feeds Tim a bite of her lasagna. A bit sticks to his
chin. She wipes it off, semi-seductively. Tim laughs.

JOAN
So Lippe, I’m trying to figure you
out. Hopes, dreams, aspirations,
blah-blah-blah? Whaddaya got?

TIM
Mine? Let’s see. Um. I would love–
some day– to put a little
greenhouse in my backyard.

JOAN
Dream the impossible dream…

TIM
No, I’ve actually seen some fairly
decent portable ones at Fleet Farm
that won’t break the bank…

JOAN
C’mon, man. I mean fantasy-land
stuff. What do you really want?

A beat. He takes a sip of sherry, shrugs.

TIM
Well. I always hoped I could take
over Northlands when Bill retired.
But that obviously isn’t going to
happen now.

JOAN
Oh, screw him. He wants to sell,
why don’t you just buy Northlands?

TIM
Yeah right.

JOAN
Why not? You could get a loan.

TIM
I don’t… Probably not.

JOAN
You know the business. You know the
clients. You actually care about
your job. You’d be perfect.
66.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Grrrr. Ha. Time out. Sheesh. Let’s.
(BEAT)
OK. What I’d really like is a
family. To be a dad. So kids, I
guess, that’s what I really want.

JOAN
Yeah well, you can have mine.

TIM
You’ve got kids?

Joan takes out her Blackberry. The screensaver is a family
portrait: Joan, a MAN with a goatee, and TWO CUTE KIDS. All
of them are dressed in denim.

JOAN
Tyler’s ten. Ashley’ll be eight
next month. My little squirrels.

TIM
Awesome. Beautiful kids. And
that’s…?

JOAN
My hubby. Rich Fox. Richie. We met
when we were both Rotary exchange
students in high school. Lived in
Norway for a semester.

TIM
Norway.

JOAN
I was such a spaz. Band geek, total
ugly duckling– braces, acne, the
whole nine. I didn’t even get boobs
until college. Anyway, we ended up
getting married sophomore year.
Then kids. Then blah-blah-blah, and
here we are. Richie’s a Supervisor
in the Parks Department now. For
the County.

TIM
Wow.

Tim doesn’t hide his shock well. Joan sees it.

JOAN
I know it’s effed up. And if I had
it all to do over again, I don’t
know what I’d choose.
(MORE)
67.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN (CONT’D)
But I don’t have that option. So
this is my fantasy-land, Tim. Cedar
Rapids. ASMI. This. I come here,
and for a few days I’m someone
else. No kids. No husband. No
responsibility. Wild woman.
(an ironic growl)
Sometimes a gal just needs a
vacation from who she really is–
know what I mean, Lippe?

Tim nods but looks more confused than ever.

INT. TIM’S RENTAL CAR – LATER THAT NIGHT

Tim drives. The Olive Garden doggie bag sits in Joan’s lap.
Silence, other than the radio. After a bit:

TIM
OK. I thought of another one.

JOAN
One what?

TIM
Wish. Or dream or whatever. It’s
still small potatoes compared to…

JOAN
No, let’s hear it…

TIM
… to all you’ve done– Norway and
all that, but…
(BEAT)
Do you watch American Idol ever?

JOAN
You wanna be on American Idol?

TIM
No-no-no. Negative! Sheesh. But I
do enjoy watching it quite a bit.
Randy’s always like, “That’s
awesome, dawg!” And Simon’s such a–
(mediocre British accent)
“Oh, I’m so superior.”
(THEN)
Anyhow I was thinking of maybe
trying– trying– to get a solo in
my choir. At church. I mean, it’s
all super political. But I’m a fair
to middlin’ baritone, so…
68.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

He shrugs. Joan fights her instinct to tease him.

JOAN
That’s great, Tim. You’ll do it. I
know you will. Very cool.

He shrugs again, but now he’s grinning from ear to ear.

INT. HOLIDOME LOBBY – LATER THAT NIGHT

Tim yawns as he and Joan enter the lobby.

JOAN
Wanna get one for the road, stud?

TIM
Oh no, I have to practice my Two
Diamond presentation. I can’t…

JOAN
One nightcap. It’ll loosen you up.

Tim looks at the ground. He looks up, tries to make a joke.

TIM
Ha. Nightcap. Kneecap, more like…

JOAN
What?

TIM
Yes.

She looks at him oddly as he charges ahead to the bar.

INT. HORIZONS BAR & GRILLE – NIGHT

Taco Bill sings DON’T STOP BELIEVING on the karaoke stage.
Bree, wearing a new denim skirt, grinds on the dance floor
with yet another INSURER. Dean watches the action.

DEAN
Timbo and the O-Fox! Wondered when
you crazy kids were gonna show up.

He ushers them to the bar, where Ronald is seated.

RONALD
Can I buy the big-shot winners a
drink? Coors Lite for Joan. And
Tim, you want a pop?
69.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Actually, do they have cream sherry?

RONALD
Cream sherry. Jeez, guess that
victory really did go to your head.

JOAN
Coors Lite’s good for me, thanks. I
gotta run wash my hands quick.

Joan exits. Ronald goes to order the drinks.

DEAN
You tag that yet, Timbo? Bet she’s
moist as a damp sponge, huh?

TIM
She is MARRIED. And you’re just…
What is wrong with you?

DEAN
Shit, what isn’t wrong me? I drink
too much, I weigh too much, I piss
people off. Speaking of, that crank
call earlier– way outta line.
People are right, I am an asshole.

TIM
Well. Yeah. You kind of are. But I
guess I’ve seen worse.

DEAN
I love it! “I guess I’ve seen
worse.” I love it!
(big laugh, then)
Yeah shit, s’pose we all wish our
lives had gone a little different.
You don’t come into this deal
going, “Dear God, please let my
wife toss me out on my ass. Please
give my children the courage to
hate my fucking guts. Thank you
Jesus. Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus!”
Ach, I’m just having fun.
(crosses himself, looks
HEAVENWARD)
No offense Big Man! Right, Timbo?

Dean laughs heartily. It’s a deeply uncomfortable moment. Tim
looks around. He sees Joan talking to the karaoke DJ.
Thankfully, Ronald returns with the drinks.
70.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Ronald! Hello.
(takes his drink)
Thanks mucho… So Ronald, what’s
your situation? You married, or…?

RONALD
Negative. I’m pretty well married
to Ronald Wilkes Insurance. I also
do quite a bit of work with the St.
Cloud Chamber. I’m Senior Warden at
my church. So really, no time for a
Mrs. Ronald Wilkes.

TIM
Wow.

RONALD
Don’t get me wrong, I have my
guilty pleasures– antiquing, I’m
active in community theater. And I
have to admit I’m a big enthusiast
of the HBO program, The Wire. But
shux, I haven’t had a proper
vacation in nine years.

TIM
I never use my vacation time.

DEAN
Maybe you two should take one of
those gay cruises together.

RONALD
You know what you are Ziegler?
You’re what I call a real Richard.

Dean and Tim look confused. Ronald giggles to himself.

RONALD (CONT’D)
Mr. Richard Head.

TIM
(titters as he figures it out)
Dick head. Yeah Dean, you are a
total Richard!

DEAN
Ha! I love it! Richard head!

Tim high fives Ronald. Joan returns, sits next to Tim.
71.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD
To Tim– the young rookie comes in,
takes the scavenger hunt. That
right there is P-T. Prime Time.

They all drink to that.

A BIT LATER —

Tim has finished his sherry. The bartender pours a second
glass. Tim wears the shit-eating grin of a first-time drunk.

DEAN
Would you rather toss a bum’s
salad, y’know, eat out his butthole
or… give your dad a B-J?

RONALD
Come on Ziegler, this is supposed
to be a clean game…

TIM
No, if you used some salad dressing
a bum’s a-hole might not taste that
bad. Thousand Island!

Tim laughs hysterically. Which makes everyone else laugh.

JOAN
Shots!
(to the bartender)
Kamikazes, good sir.

KARAOKE DJ (O.S.)
OK. We’re ready for Tim Lip to rock
the mic. Is there a Tim Lip?

TIM
Did he just…?

JOAN
Why wait for the church choir when
you can take care of one of your
dreams right now, dude?

TIM
No, no, no, no, no…

The bartender pours the shots. Joan whispers to Tim.

JOAN
I know you can do it, Lippe. Go be
my hero– Insurance Man.
72.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

KARAOKE DJ
Tim Lip? You in the house?

Joan passes Tim the shot. He slams it. The room applauds as
Tim nervously makes his way to the stage.

Tim confers with the DJ. The DJ nods, cues up the song. Tim
gives Joan a look of mock anger as he takes the mic.

TIM
I, um, I’ve met some really, just
super neat people here. But this
song, I’d like to dedicate to the
first African-American person I’ve
ever met. I mean, I’ve seen guys at
the Oneida Mall in Rhinelander–
said hello and that. But… Anyway,
I just think you’re one of the most
awesome guys around. Ronald Wilkes!

Tim gives Ronald a thumbs-up. Ronald returns the gesture as
the opening bars of Clarence Carter’s PATCHES kick in. [NOTE:
Patches is an EXTREMELY sentimental soul song about a poor
black kid named Patches.] The first verse is spoken word.

TIM (CONT’D)
(reading off the screen)
I was born and raised down in
Alabama. On a farm way back up in
the woods. I was so ragged that
folks used to call me Patches. Papa
used to tease me about it. But deep
down inside he was hurt, ‘cause
he’d done all he could.

Joan and Dean whoo-hoo!

TIM (CONT’D)
(breaks into song, very soulful)
My papa was a great old man. I can
see him with a shovel in his hands.
See education he never had; He did
wonders when the times got bad. The
little money from the crops he raised
barely paid the bills we made.

Joan and Dean rush to the dance floor. Ronald remains on his
bar stool but bops his head politely. Tim tears it up.
Patches continues, creating a:

MUSIC BED OVER:
73.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

A SERIES OF SHOTS —

– Tim drinks more sherry. The gang laughs, having a blast.

– Ronald tries to excuse himself.

RONALD
The presentation’s in 36 hours. I
can’t afford to be off my game.
Frankly, neither can you, Tim.

Tim responds by giving Ronald a noogie. Everyone laughs.

– Joan, Dean and Ronald roam the Holidome halls. Tim jumps
out from behind a corner, whips some ice machine ice at Dean.
Dean takes off running after Tim. Joan and Ronald follow.

– The song fades out as the four of them approach the Pool
Area. The sign on the pool door says, Hours 8 AM – 11 PM.

RONALD (CONT’D)
This is ridiculous, you guys. Told
you, it closed an hour ago.

Tim tries the door. It’s open. Dean and Joan go in. Tim and
Ronald stay in the hall.

RONALD (CONT’D)
Tim. Come on. This isn’t you.

TIM
Uh-oh. Who is it then?

RONALD
You know what I mean. We’ve both
worked our tails off. Why poop it
away on…

INSIDE THE POOL AREA:

DEAN
Check this out– Captain Nemo!

Dean has placed the top of a garbage can on his head. It
looks like an old-time scuba apparatus. Tim laughs.

TIM
(TO RONALD)
I know. I just…

Dean slides down the kiddie slide into the pool, fully
clothed. Tim busts up. It looks like too much fun.
74.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
No frickin’ way!

Tim goes through the door. Ronald shakes his head.

INT. HOLIDOME POOL AREA – CONTINUOUS

Tim turns back, sees Ronald walking away. Tim thinks a beat,
then keeps on. Other than Dean’s splashing, it’s quiet and
peaceful in the semi-darkness. Joan sits on a lawn chair.

JOAN
Whaddaya say, Lippe? Take a dippy?

TIM
(GERMAN ACCENT)
Ich can nicht schwimmen. That’s “I
can’t swim.” In German. And I
can’t. `Sides, I didn’t bring a
bathing suit.

JOAN
So we stay in the shallow end.
(starts removing clothes)
And neither did I.

Gulp. Now in her bra and thong, Joan jumps in. Dean bobs
around with the trash can on his head.

Tim slowly starts to undress. He carefully places his money
belt on a table. He gets down to his T-shirt and tightie-
whities. Far enough. He eases himself into the shallow end.

TIM
Yow. Chilly. Ha.

Joan back strokes over to Tim. He tries to look elsewhere.

JOAN
So.

TIM
Yep. Ha. Fun. Fun day.

JOAN
So.

Joan undoes her bra. Oh jeez.

TIM
Oh jeez.
75.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

She removes the bra, revealing her breasts– lovely, soft,
bright white orbs surrounded by very tan skin. Tim shudders.

TIM (CONT’D)
You have tan. A tan. Tan line. You
have a.

Joan gets close to Tim. His arms remain at his side.

TIM (CONT’D)
You. Are. You’re. Married.

Closer.

TIM (CONT’D)
I have a fian…

She kisses him on the mouth, moves his hands to her breasts.

TIM (CONT’D)
Oh jeez…

Tim gives in. They make out. In the deep end, Dean takes the
garbage can off his head and watches.

DEAN
Hell yeah.

Joan pulls off Tim’s T-shirt, flings it aside. They’re really
going to town. OFF-SCREEN, we hear a sliding door open.

HIGH ANGLE (Specifically, four floors up): From this POV, it
looks like Tim and Joan are having sex. Dean, meanwhile, has
moved closer and may or may not be masturbating as he watches
them. Reveal whose POV this is:

Orin has come out onto his balcony. He looks aghast.

ORIN
What the heck’s going on down
there?!

Tim looks up, makes fleeting eye contact with Orin. Shit! Tim
scrambles to get out of the pool. Joan is a half-step behind
him. Dean decides that now would be a good time to moon Orin.

DEAN
Suck my ass, Helgesson.

ORIN
I’m calling security!

Tim grabs his money belt as he and Joan run out of the pool
area. [Note: Tim has a conspicuous erection.] 76.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Joan, still topless, leads Tim by the hand as they sprint
toward her room. They run past a SECURITY GUARD along the
way. [Note: Tim still has a conspicuous erection.]

INT. JOAN’S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

They burst into Joan’s room, laughing to the point of tears.

TIM
Holy crap! We’re so dead!

Then Joan mauls Tim. She tackles him to her bed. He rolls on
top of her. A primal, guttural howl erupts from Tim. Then:

TIM (CONT’D)
I want to make love!

It’s on.

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – NIGHT (A LITTLE WHILE LATER)

Dean pounds on the door to the Junior Suite.

DEAN
Come on, Ronimal! My key got wet.
Wake up, man!
(NO RESPONSE)
Ah, fuck it.

Dean lumbers away, leaving puddles of water in his wake.

INT. JOAN’S ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT

Post-sex. Tim lies in bed, beatific. Joan, now wearing
glasses and conservative PJ’s, comes out of the bathroom.

TIM
Your body’s just so… firm and
pretty. Mmm. Making love to you was
just super… super awesome.

Joan just smiles as she gets into bed.

TIM (CONT’D)
Wanna cuddle?

JOAN
Cuddle? Um. OK.
77.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
I love to cuddle.
(NUZZLES)
You’re special, Joan. So special…

Joan awkwardly pats Tim on the head as he drifts to sleep.

FADE OUT:

INT. JOAN’S ROOM – THE NEXT MORNING

Joan is talking on the phone with her son. Her demeanor is
entirely different– a tone and physicality we’ve not seen.

JOAN
No baby, you guys are playing at
Papillion/La Vista. Ralston is next
week…
(LISTENS)
Calm down, Tyler. You’re not gonna
miss it. It’s not that far. Put
your dad on.

Tim wakes up. The morning light hurts his hung over eyes.

JOAN (CONT’D)
Hey. Did you not look at the
schedule on the fridge? Did we not
have this conversation 10 minutes
before I left?
(listens, sighs)
No, no, no. The playoffs are in
Ralston. This is the last regular
season game. He actually has a
chance to play, Richie. Christ.

Tim staggers out of bed, smiles. Joan holds up a finger.

JOAN (CONT’D)
Fine, but watch your speed on 84th
by Giles Road. Chris Beeler’s
gotten busted twice right there. By
that golf course.
(LISTENS)
Yeah, Tara Hills. Exactly. OK. Love
you, too. Bye. Oh, tell Ty to kick
some butt for me. `K. See ya.

She hangs up. Tim does a theatrical stretch and yawn.

TIM
Good morning.
78.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN
Crisis on the home front. Sorry if
I woke you up.

TIM
No problemo.

Tim sees that Joan’s computer is open– and his Two Diamond
presentation is up on the screen.

TIM (CONT’D)
Is that…? Were you looking at my
Two Diamond presentation?

JOAN
Your cell phone kept ringing in
your little fanny pack thing, so I
shut it off. When I saw the discs,
I figured I’d take a look. It’s a
solid presentation.

TIM
Um. Thanks. It was Roger Lemke’s…

JOAN
Yeah, I see that.
(WISTFUL BEAT)
You know we were together right?

TIM
What? Whaddaya…? You and… You
and Roger, you mean?

JOAN
It’s so stupid– but everyone
basically treated us like the
Brangelina of ASMI for a while
there. It ended two years ago. He
was getting into some pretty weird
stuff… as we all know now.

Tim is livid. He ejects his disc from Joan’s computer.

JOAN (CONT’D)
Come on, Lippe. It doesn’t matter.
You knew, didn’t you?

TIM
My foot I knew! No, I did not. And
yes, it most certainly does matter.
Man, this T’s me off.
79.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN
Tell me you’re not jealous. You
can’t be jealous. The guy’s dead.

TIM
Every stinkin’ place I go people
remind me: You’re no Roger Lemke.
You’re not as good as Roger Lemke.
Here we go again.

JOAN
As good? Tim, Roger was a small-
minded, egotistical jerk. You’re an
infinitely better man than he was.

This stops Tim in his tracks. Better than Roger Lemke. Wow.

TIM
Why were you with him then?

This stops Joan in her tracks. Her inner pain percolates.

JOAN
Why? I don’t know. I don’t know. I
guess I probably maybe don’t like
myself very much. I don’t know.

TIM
Hey, hey. Come on. You’re pretty
and smart and just super awesome.
(COY)
I like you.

She allows a chuckle. Tim rubs her shoulders, supportive.

TIM (CONT’D)
Grrr. I’m so frickin’ confused. Last
thing I thought was that I’d come to
Cedar Rapids and fall in love.

Joan shakes him off.

JOAN
What are you talking about?

TIM
Us. This.

JOAN
What this? What are you talking
about? There’s no this. There’s no
us. I have a family.
80.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
What about…?

JOAN
What about it? I told you, what I
do here… In Cedar Rapids… It
stays here.

Tim gets up, even more pissed off than he was before.

TIM
Where the heck are my clothes?

JOAN
Come on, Tim. We’re adults here.
You’re acting like a child…

TIM
Yeah. Well, you’re acting like a
fricking… prostitute.

He wraps up in a towel, grabs his money cummerbund and goes.

A moment. Joan looks at the rumpled bed sheets, starts making
the bed. As she does, she sees the Clairol Nice `N’ Easy hair
dye box in the garbage. Joan smiles a what has become of my
life smile. She sits on the bed and stares out the window.

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

A MAID looks up from her cart, smiles. Tim, wearing only the
towel, mumbles as he walks by.

TIM
I lost my slacks somewhere.

INT. HOLIDOME POOL AREA – THAT MOMENT

Tim’s clothes remain where he left them the night before. We
drift off his clothes to a CHUBBY KID with floaties bobbing
in the pool. The kid is staring at something:

Dean is asleep in a chaise lounge chair in his underpants.

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Tim approaches the Junior Suite just as Ronald exits. Tim
self-consciously tightens the towel.
81.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
I’m really, really sorry Ronald. If
I said anything, or…

RONALD
Hey, it’s not Ronald Wilkes’s job
to judge you, Tim. End of the day,
the Lord’s got that covered. But am
I disappointed? You bet I am. Heck,
I’m all for having fun. But I
didn’t think you were one of these
guys who comes down here only to
get loaded and act like a derelict.

TIM
No, I’m not. I…

DEAN (O.S.)
Timbo! Ronimal!

Dean, still in his underpants, approaches.

DEAN (CONT’D)
You should have stuck around last
night, Ronimal. Watching Timbo and
the O-Fox get it on in the pool–
shit, I was harder than Chinese
arithmetic.

RONALD
What a couple of class acts. I’m
running late for the prayer
breakfast. Oh and Tim, Bill
Krogstad’s been trying to reach you
all morning. FYI.

Ronald walks off. Tim deflates.

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – DAY

Bill Krogstad paces in a church, talking on his phone.

BILL KROGSTAD
Tim, Bill Krogstad again. Orin
Helgesson told me about your little
hootenanny in the pool there. Clear
violation of ASMI’s Morals Code–
meaning we lose our ASMI
certification, we lose our Two
Diamond rating, we lose our
customers and I lose any chance of
ANYONE buying my goddamn business.
(MORE)
82.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BILL KROGSTAD (CONT’D)
I may as well just commit
suicide…

PHOTOGRAPHER (O.S.)
Father of the bride. We’re set.

Reveal: An OBESE BRIDE, 25, and her greasy, mustached GROOM,
40, pose for a PHOTOGRAPHER.

BILL KROGSTAD
(to Photographer, despondent)
Yah. Be there in a…
(INTO PHONE)
Call me when you get this Tim.
Because unless you pull off a
miracle, we’re done. You’ve let me
down hard. Cripes… shaping up to
be the worst day of my life.

Krogstad hangs up. He walks over to his large, beaming
daughter. He puts on a fake smile as she gives him a hug.

BILL KROGSTAD (CONT’D)
You look real beautiful, Kayla.
Like a flower.

The photographer snaps a photo. Krogstad chokes back tears.

INT. JUNIOR SUITE BATHROOM – DAY

Tim stares at his cell phone. He looks in the mirror.

TIM
Goddarnit!

He picks up a hairbrush and tries to break it. But it won’t
break. Dean enters.

DEAN
That time of the month?
(off Tim’s look)
C’mon man, it’s gonna be OK.

TIM
No it’s not. Nothing is OK. My job,
my fiancé…
(dawns on him)
God, I’m a philanderer. I’ve let
Bill down. I’ve let everybody down.

DEAN
C’mere, kiddo. Sit. Sit down.
83.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Dean leads Tim out of the bathroom. Tim sits on a desk chair.
Dean sits on the edge of the desk. He looks fatherly.

DEAN (CONT’D)
My ex, Patti? Well-established fact
that this broad is a serious
fucking cuntstain, right? But like
I say, she’s made it pretty much so
the kids hate my guts– I’m the bad
guy. `Cept when our 17-year-old
daughter comes home PREGNANT– oh
yeah, happy day in the Ziegler
household, lemme tell ya– who’s
the one so depressed that she can’t
get out from under the afghan on
the goddamn couch? Patti. And who’s
the one planning the baby showers
and taking Meg to the gyno, all
that shit? The fucking Deanzie.
That’s who.

Tim stares at Dean for an incredulous moment.

TIM
Is this…? Why is this all of a
sudden about you, Dean?

DEAN
I’m telling you this, buddy, because
it shows to go ya– even if you’re a
fucking waste of space jerk-off like
myself, there’s always opportunities
to do the right thing. If this Two
Diamond bullshit and that matters so
much, you’ll find a way to make it
right. If not, fuck it. Life’s way
too short to lose sleep over shit
that don’t matter.

Tim slowly nods, surprised to find himself moved.

INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM – LATER THAT DAY

Orin enthusiastically introduces a WOMAN in a smart pantsuit.

ORIN
Without any more ado, our keynote
speaker, Iowa Insurance
Commissioner, Mrs. Susan Voss!

The room goes nuts. As Orin leaves the stage he spots Tim
waiting in the wings. Tim gestures for Orin to come outside.
84.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Orin, stone-faced, approaches Tim.

TIM
President Helgesson, please let me
stay in the Two Diamond contest.
Please. This isn’t for me– it’s
for Bill Krogstad. I can’t let him
down. Please just let me compete.

A moment. Orin nods, almost imperceptibly.

INT. HOLIDOME ELEVATOR – MOMENTS LATER

Tim and Orin silently ride the elevator to the fourth floor.

INT. THE TIFFANY SUITE – MOMENTS LATER

Orin opens the door to the Tiffany Suite, a slightly larger
version of the Junior Suite. He ushers Tim inside.

ORIN
(self-deprecating, but proud)
Tiffany Suite. Bit much. Perks of the
Presidency, guess you’d say. Please.
Have a seat on the davenport.

Tim sits. Orin goes to the mini-fridge, takes out a Sprite.

ORIN (CONT’D)
Drink?

TIM
Ah, no. Thanks.

ORIN
Suit yourself.

Orin opens the Sprite, drinks. He reaches into a briefcase.
He hands Tim a document with dozens of signatures on it.

TIM
This is the petition?

Tim shakes his head as he reads the names.

ORIN
Between you and me– this was a
ploy by Mike Pyle. Trying to drive
down the value of Northlands so he
could get it on the cheap.
85.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Just as Deanzie predicted. Orin snatches back the petition.
He rips it in two.

ORIN (CONT’D)
I just made that happen. Poof.
Gone. Rainmaker.
(makes rain gesture)
Northlands keeps its three previous
Two Diamond Awards.

TIM
Oh my gosh, really? Thank you.

Orin sits next to Tim on the couch, closer than he needs to.

ORIN
One thing Roger Lemke knew, Tim? He
knew that when you get all dolled
up, go to the prom– the Big Dance–
that you gotta be prepared to put
out. To show a little teat.
(off Tim’s confused look)
You ever hear of PayPal, Tim?

TIM
PayPal? Um, yeah. I’ve used it to
pay for Beanie Babies on E-Bay…
(GUILTY)
For my fiancé.

ORIN
Good. Thing you gotta ask yourself
now is this: “Am I ready to dance?
Am I ready to show a little TEAT?”

TIM
I don’t understand what you mean…

ORIN
Calm down, Orin. I’m sorry. Please,
let’s talk E-Commerce for a minute.

Tim hesitantly follows Orin to the desk. A laptop sits open.

ORIN (CONT’D)
Four years ago, the brain trust at
ASMI National mandated we go “on-
line” for everything. Billing,
newsletter, the whole shebang. Now
I’m almost 70-years-old– I’s about
as likely to figure this deal out
as I was to learn Chinese. Well, as
you know Roger Lemke was a real
whiz on the computer…
86.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
You bet.

ORIN
So Roger’s up here looking over
this new system, and he gets one of
these lightbulb-going-off kinda
looks, the way he did. And he says,
“Orin, with that newsletter going
digital you’re saving almost four
grand a year in printing costs
alone. Four grand. Pure profit.”
You see where this is going, Tim?

TIM
I can’t say that I do…

ORIN
PayPal. That’s where. What has ASMI
ever given Orin Helgesson? Huh? Not
dime one. Sure as shoot not an
opportunity to serve on the
National Board. Have I not been a
good President? Do I not deserve a
little something?

TIM
You’re an awesome President…

ORIN
You’re GODDAMN right I am!

Orin pounds his fist on the desk. Tim swallows hard.

ORIN (CONT’D)
But I don’t know the first blessed
thing about this PayPal deal. Roger
had the on-line know-how, not me.

TIM
I’m still not reading you here…

ORIN
There aren’t printing costs anymore,
see? The ASMI-teer’s digital. E-
Commerce! Don’t you get it, Tim? All
that money– almost 39-hundred
dollars a year– that goes into a
PayPal account now. My PayPal
account. But I’ve got no idea how to
use it.
87.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
Do you literally mean you just need
help, like, getting on-line, or…?

ORIN
Your performance in that scavenger
hunt was first-rate. Then I see you
in the pool making love to that
floozy, I realize maybe you’ve got
a bit of Lemke’s, shall we say,
moral ambiguity. I need that.

TIM
You’re talking about stealing.

ORIN
Pontoon boats don’t pay for
themselves, Tim. Roger Lemke came to
the prom. He showed me a little
teat. I rewarded him with the Two
Diamonds three years running. I’m
prepared to do the same for you.
What do you say? You take home those
those Two Diamonds, Northlands’
value skyrockets, Bill Krogstad
retires to his time share. Everybody
wins…

We push in on Tim– at the crossroads of all crossroads.
Outside, a clap of thunder booms ominously.

TIM
I’d be doing it for Northlands– to
keep it in Brown Valley and help my
co-workers. To help Bill…

Tim looks away, avoiding eye contact. Then:

TIM (CONT’D)
What would you need me to do
exactly…?

Orin claps once, smiles like a proud grandparent.

ORIN
OK, marvelous!

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY (OUTSIDE HORIZONS) – LATER

Dean has dozens of Hello My Name Is stickers with “Deanzie
For President!” written on them. He forces one on a WOMAN.
88.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN
Vote for Deanzie. Vote for change.

WOMAN
I’m good thanks.

DEAN
Well fuck you very much, Carla.

The woman shakes her head and walks away. Ronald approaches.

DEAN (CONT’D)
I can count on your vote tomorrow,
right Ronimal?

RONALD
Not a snowball’s chance in Hades.

DEAN
You’re all a bunch of dicks.

RONALD
(spots Tim O.S.)
Hey there, Hangover Harry. 18 hours
and counting. Got your guns loaded
for the Two Diamonds, partner?

Tim’s guilt is apparent in his awkward demeanor.

TIM
Um. I… I don’t know about that.

RONALD
Don’t be nervous. You’ll do fine.
There’s a prayer circle tonight
before the entertainment program–
might help ease your mind.

TIM
I’m sorry about… Ronald. Just…
about everything…

Tim abruptly walks away. Dean and Ronald look at each other,
perplexed, as Tim exits the hotel into the pouring rain.

EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS STREET – EVENING (MOMENTS LATER)

A cold, hard rain falls as Tim walks from the Holidome toward
an Applebee’s across the busy street.
89.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. APPLEBEE’S – CONTINUOUS

Tim enters and walks to the bar. He’s soaking wet and looks
despondent. A cheery female bartender, KAY, 40, greets him.

KAY
Happy Saturday! What’cha drinkin’?

TIM
A large cream sherry, please.

As she pours a healthy glass of sherry:

KAY
Looks like you could use some
cheering up. What do you call it
when it rains chickens and ducks?
(PAUSE)
Fowl weather.

TIM
(DISTRACTED)
That’s pretty hilarious.

Tim slams the sherry in one gulp– to Kay’s dismay.

TIM (CONT’D)
Another please. I have to use the
little boy’s room.

Kay watches as Tim heads for the bathroom. He leaves his cell
phone on the bar.

INT. APPLEBEE’S BATHROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Tim pees at the urinal. He zips up, goes to wash his hands.
In the mirror, he’s shocked to see: A squinty, drugged out
MAN, 25, exit the stall, followed by… Bree.

A moment of recognition.

TIM
Bree?
(off her confused look)
It’s Tim Lippe. From the ASMI
convention. We met out in front of
the Holidome across the street?

Bree coughs a hacking, phlegmy cough. She’s very out of it.
90.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
That’s what you get from smoking
all those– what’d you call `em,
heaters? Smoker’s cough. Ha. Just
kidding. Butterscotch?

He removes a few hard candies from his pocket. She takes one.

TIM (CONT’D)
Small world, huh?

BREE
Totally. You wanna party?

TIM
Ooh, that’s really awesome of you
to ask. But I have a super
important presentation in the
morning unfortunately, so…

The squinty-eyed man, GARY, who has been drinking out of the
sink, looks up at Tim.

GARY
I gotta work in the morning, too.
Can’t be productive or whatever
without occasionally taking a little
ride on the good times express. It’s
like, fuck that shit, yo.

TIM
Yeah. I hear that. L & C. Loud
and… clear.

BREE
Seriously. We’re going to this
thing at my Uncle Ken’s later–
after his shift’s done.

Bree examines Tim, standing stiffly, hands in his pockets.

BREE (CONT’D)
You look like you’re in serious
need of some relaxation, dude.

Bree nonchalantly pinches his nose. Tim looks oddly touched.

TIM
I have had a pretty messed up day
actually. Might not hurt to forget
about it for a little while.
91.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY – NIGHT

Mike Pyle, in a bold chartreuse sweater vest, quietly confers
with Orin outside a conference room.

ORIN
My advice, Mike? Pull the trigger.
I’ve pretty well convinced him that
his company’s in the crapper. 85-
thousand is as low as I could
possibly get him.

MIKE PYLE
He’s said nothing to indicate I’d
have to hang onto his employees or
the office up there, right?

ORIN
Bill was real clear about that.
You’re buying his clients– not his
brand. You’ve done this before,
Mike. The Northlands policies will
simply roll over into your Allstate
office in Milwaukee. Unless you
want to keep a satellite branch up
there in North Palookaville.

MIKE PYLE
(CHUCKLES)
OK. Let’s pull the trigger.

ORIN
Oh, and Mike– we’re square on my
consultant’s fee?

MIKE PYLE
Ten percent, as agreed.

ORIN
Marvelous. Now just give me a
second here…

INT. HOLIDOME CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Orin enters the conference room alone. He un-mutes a
speakerphone. The Chicken Dance Polka blares from the other
end.

ORIN
We’re all systems go over here,
Bill.
92.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BILL KROGSTAD (O.S. ON PHONE)
Praise Christ! This is super, Orin!

ORIN
I was able to get Pyle up to 81-
thousand for you, Bill, which is
pretty amazing given all the… the
tribulations and that. Of course
that number doesn’t include my 15
percent consultant’s fee.

INT. VFW RECEPTION HALL – CONTINUOUS

WEDDING GUESTS do the chicken dance. Krogstad strains to be
heard over the music.

BILL KROGSTAD
Y’know what Orin, it’s only a seven
hour drive to Cedar Rapids. If I
leave right now, I can be there
first thing in the A-M and we can
lock this sonofagun down.

ORIN (O.S. ON PHONE)
I wouldn’t want to put you out,
Bill, but it would be nice to put
pen to paper on a contract sooner
than later.

BILL KROGSTAD
Hell yes. You bet. It’s no problem.
I’ll be there in time to see the
Two Diamond presentations– not
that that matters to me anymore!
Thanks a million, Orin!

Krogstad clicks off his phone, pumps his fist, overjoyed. He
approaches his wife.

BILL KROGSTAD (CONT’D)
Dione, the deal’s going through! 81-
grand! We’re getting this albatross
off our backs after all. I’m going
to Cedar Rapids.

DIONE KROGSTAD
No, Bill…

BILL KROGSTAD
Goddamnit, Dione, not now. This is
happening. No flex on this one!
93.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Krogstad hustles out of the reception hall. The fleshy bride
and her oily groom watch him go.

INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM – NIGHT

On stage, a JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR does a lame routine.

JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR
… You can’t handle the truth!

Laughter. Joan and Ronald are in the back of the room.

JOAN
We used to get bands, Ronald. Real
bands. Kansas. REO Speedwagon…
Remember REO let me get on stage
and play tambourine?

RONALD
I’ll go ahead and admit, this is an
odd choice for an ASMI headliner.
Budget crunch, I guess.

JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR
Danny isn’t here Mrs. Torrance!

Dean urgently approaches Joan and Ronald.

DEAN
Are you ready for this? Mike Pyle of
Shit just bought Northlands. Word is
the cocksucker’s liquidating Timbo
and the whole Brown Valley
operation.

RONALD
What? Holy smokes. Does Tim know?

JOAN
Don’t look at me. I don’t think Tim
likes me very much anymore.

DEAN
Cry me a fucking river, honey. This
isn’t about you for once.

JOAN
Fuck off, Dean. Jackass.

RONALD
Hey. Come on you guys. Cut it out.

The crowd guffaws as faux Jack does his thing.
94.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR
I said, I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m
just going to bash your brains in.

A pall overtakes the room– this used to be fun. Now it’s
just kind of sad.

DEAN
You two are a couple of serious
fucking downers, man. Timbo left
here in a huff a few hours ago–
you saw him Ronimal. Maybe he
already knew. Shit, the kid’s one
of my best friends…

RONALD
You met him two days ago, Ziegler.

DEAN
Know what, blow me Ronald. It’s not
my fault you’re too goddamn afraid
to open up and tell another man you
love him. Do what you want, but the
Deanzie’s gonna make sure his
friend is doing OK.

INT. UNCLE KEN’S PICK-UP TRUCK – NIGHT

Boston’s MORE THAN A FEELING blares on the radio of a pick-up
truck. Tim politely rocks out, sandwiched between Bree and
Gary in the front seat. A violent-looking, wire-thin man in
an Applebee’s uniform, UNCLE KEN, 40, drives. After a bit:

TIM
That must be pretty all right, Ken,
getting half off at Applebee’s all
the time. I’d only weigh like 10-
thousand pounds…

UNCLE KEN
Pass me that cube, Skeet.

Gary opens the glove box, passes Ken a glass pipe. Ken lights
up, takes a hit, passes it to Bree. Bree follows suit, then
passes the pipe to Tim. Tim looks at it, pauses.

TIM
Ah…? This would be marijuana, I’m
guessing?

A beat. Then they all laugh like crazy. So Tim laughs, too.
Bree puts the pipe in Tim’s mouth. He looks frightened.
95.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BREE
Suck the glass dick, dude.

They laugh. Bree lights the pipe. Tim inhales and instantly:
oh fuck, Oh Fuck, OH FUCK! Tim’s eyes bulge, his teeth grind.
Then he shakes his head like a wet dog and violently COUGHS.

TIM
Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez.

BREE
A butterscotch might help.

INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY (OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM) – NIGHT

Dean has his phone to his ear. Ronald and Joan watch.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
Hello.

DEAN
Trying to reach Tim Lippe. Who am I
talking to?

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
This is Kay over at the Applebee’s.
Your friend left his phone here.

DEAN
That right? Is he there now?

KAY (O.S. ON PHONE)
No he’s not. Be honest, I was kinda
worried about the little guy…

INT. FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

A series of shots as Tim– sweaty, high and extremely hyper–
dances with Bree to the deafening death metal. The party is a
volatile mix of BIKER TYPES and SPEED FREAKS. Even though his
salmon-colored oxford shirt has come untucked from his casual
slacks, Tim still looks a tad out of place.

The following conversation is shouted because of the music.

TIM
I FEEL AMAZING! THIS IS AWESOME!

BREE
HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE ON YOU?
96.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
AH, CASH-WISE? ABOUT 90 DOLLARS, I
THINK. I’VE GOT A TON OF TRAVELER’S
CHECKS, THOUGH. WHY?

BREE
I’LL GET US SOME MORE CRYPTO. THEN
YOU CAN FUCK ME IF YOU WANT.

TIM
(not sure he heard right)
DO WHAT NOW?

BREE
JUST GIMME A HUNDRED.

Tim pauses. Then– what the heck. He unzips his money belt…

INT. APPLEBEE’S – NIGHT

Dean, Ronald and Joan look worried as they listen to Kay, the
friendly Applebee’s bartender.

KAY
Like I say, he was pretty ripped
from all that sherry. He left with
Ken and them for some party.

DEAN
Who’s Ken?

KAY
(CONSPIRATORIAL)
Ken’s our cook. We all think he
deals dope, though. I get along
good with everyone. But Ken? He’s
just real different.

RONALD
Oh jeez. D’you know where they were
going? Any idea?

KAY
You could try Ken’s place. It’s way
out in the boonies…

INT. FARMHOUSE BATHROOM – NIGHT

Bree snorts a line in a disgusting, fetid bathroom. Tim sits
on the counter. He’s jacked up, sweaty and very chatty.
97.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM
My mom became real protective of me
after my dad passed. She didn’t
really let me play sports or any of
that. Fact, if I think about it, I
never really did much of anything.
Except gardening, which I do enjoy.

BREE
Well you’re livin’ now. Here.

She offers Tim a line. He declines.

BREE (CONT’D)
I bought some pills, too. Here.
These’ll make you feel better.

She gives him a couple pills. He pops them without thinking.

TIM
Thanks. It’s funny, though, because
my job is all about protecting
other people’s dreams. But what
about my dreams?

BREE
It could be like– maybe…
(does another line)
Whoa, shit’s tight… Like maybe it
has to do with your parents both
dying? Like, maybe by protecting
other people– it’s like you’re
trying to save your parents. Like
somehow you feel like it’s your
fault? Like in your sub-conscience?

Something struck a nerve with Tim. He chokes up.

BREE (CONT’D)
And so you’re not really like,
living your own life fully? But
dude, let me tell you this: the
only real insurance in this life–
is love.

That did it. Now Tim is weeping. Bree notices.

BREE (CONT’D)
Oh baby, c’mere. C’mere.
(HUGS TIM)
You can fuck my ass if you want.
98.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Before Tim can respond to that, the door bursts open. It’s
Uncle Ken, and he is NOT happy. Uh-oh.

CUT TO:

INT. BILL KROGSTAD’S LESABRE – NIGHT

Krogstad chugs coffee as he drives through the night.

CUT TO:

INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM – NIGHT

Orin and Mike Pyle laugh as they raise a glass for a toast.

CUT TO:

EXT. FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

Dean’s minivan pulls into the gravel driveway of the
dilapidated, isolated farmhouse. We can tell it’s the party
house by the music blasting and the DEGENERATES on the porch.

Dean and Joan climb out of the minivan. The rain is falling
harder. Ronald slides open the back door and climbs out. He
has on a long black rain coat. He nearly slips on some ice.

JOAN
Oh man. This place is bad news.

INT. FARMHOUSE BATHROOM/HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Uncle Ken grabs Tim and shoves him out into the hall. Tim
trips over a WASTED TEEN GIRL and stumbles against the wall.

WASTED TEEN GIRL
Faggot. Watch out.

Bree looks legitimately worried for Tim.

EXT. FARMHOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Dean, Joan and Ronald formulate a plan.

DEAN
I’ll be standing by `case things
get squirrelly in there. Getaway
vehicle type scenario.
99.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

JOAN
So you’re sending me into that
shithole? How chivalrous, Dean.

RONALD
You and me can go in, Joan. It’ll
be fine, I’m sure…

INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Uncle Ken drags Tim into a kitchen full of PARTYGOERS gathered
around a keg of Natural Ice. He shoves Tim face first against
the wall. Tim takes this opportunity to notice the peeling
wallpaper, which surprisingly has the same floral pattern as
his own kitchen wallpaper.

EXT. FARMHOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Ronald and Joan approach the front door. Judging from the
looks on the faces of the DUDES on the porch, black folks are
not a common sight at this residence. Gary, the squinty-eyed
guy Tim met in the bathroom with Bree, ogles Joan.

GARY
Nice tits.

JOAN
(not missing a beat)
Thanks. Thank you. That’s nice.

RONALD
We don’t want any trouble, guys.
We’re just looking for our friend.

The dudes let Joan and Ronald pass into the house.

INT./EXT. DEAN’S MINIVAN – CONTINUOUS

Dean sits silently in the driver’s seat. The quiet gets to
him. He starts humming, then mumble-sings to himself and
drums the steering wheel.

DEAN
Mm-mow-mow… Two tickets to
paradise. Hmm-hmm, pack your bags
we’ll leave tonight…
100.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. FARMHOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Joan and Ronald make their way through the house, clocking
the aggressively angry looks as they go. Joan sees something:

JOAN
Oh shit.

IN THE KITCHEN: Uncle Ken is choking Tim. The PARTYGOERS
cheer. Uncle Ken punches Tim in the stomach. Tim falls to the
filthy linoleum. Bree protests.

BREE
But he paid for it, Uncle Ken…

UNCLE KEN
You can’t let some dude pay for
crystal meth and an ass fuck with a
traveler’s check, Bree. That shit
can be traced.

TIM
(WHEEZING)
It’s fully insured. 100 percent.
(THEN)
And we didn’t make love…

UNCLE KEN
Shut the fuck up.

He kicks Tim hard. It’s looking bad, when all of a sudden:

RONALD (O.S.)
Hey! HEY!

They all turn to see Ronald. In the black trench coat, he
actually looks BAD ASS. He has one hand in the coat pocket.

RONALD (CONT’D)
(hard-core gangsta speak)
I may look like some suit wearin’
businessman to y’all. Truth is, I’m
straight up gangsta. And I always
keeps one in the chamber…
(indicates the bulge in his pocket)
… in case you ponderin’. So I
suggest for the time being that you
let my nigga be. Muthafucka.

Uncle Ken blinks a few times. Then he lets Tim get up.

RONALD (CONT’D)
Indeed.
101.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Ronald takes Tim’s arm. Joan joins them. The three of them
walk backwards toward the door.

EXT. FARMHOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Dean is outside the minivan, taking a leak on a tree. He
looks toward the house.

DEAN
Oh fuck!

Ronald, Tim and Joan exit the house.

RONALD
Run!

They run for Dean’s minivan. Tim slips, sliding across the
snow and mud. Ronald drags him halfway across the lawn before
Tim finally gets to his feet.

Dean, meanwhile, tries to finish peeing as he makes his way
back to the van– doing a sort of crab walk to avoid pissing
on himself. Tim, Ronald and Joan dive into the minivan. Dean
climbs back into the driver’s seat.

Bree and gang exit the house and watch as Dean peels out,
tossing up bits of gravel as he speeds away.

INT. DEAN’S MINIVAN – MOMENTS LATER

Dean looks nervously in the rearview mirror– all clear.
Ronald tries to calm Tim down in the backseat.

DEAN
What the fuck happened?

JOAN
Oh my God, Tim. Are you OK?

TIM
(JITTERY)
I don’t know. I don’t know. All I
know is I was getting kicked and
then Ronald was there talking like
a ghetto person…

Dean looks at Joan and Ronald– What?
102.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD
In order to extricate Tim from what
was clearly a volatile situation, I
did, in fact, rely on my community
theater training. I don’t like to
brag, but I do a pretty convincing
Omar from the HBO program, The Wire.
(beat, as a gangsta)
Least them crackers back yonder
seemed to buy it.

DEAN
The Ronimal!

The minivan speeds through the dark, rainy night.

INT. JUNIOR SUITE – LATER THAT NIGHT

Tim sits on the couch bouncing his legs, still messed up.
Joan sits with him. Dean and Ronald watch, worried.

TIM
I can’t believe Bill would do this
to me. He was like a father…

DEAN
Wasn’t just Krogstad, Timbo. Orin’s
the real devil in this deal.

Joan shoots Dean a look– shut the fuck up.

JOAN
You’ll find another job, Lippe.
Maybe even move to a new town.

RONALD
Shoot, you could come work for me
if you wanted.

For some reason, Tim finds this funny. He laughs hysterically.

TIM
I love you, Joan.

JOAN
(to Dean & Ronald)
Get some sleep you guys. I’ll stay
up with him– make sure he doesn’t
chew his arm off.

Ronald sighs, nods. Dean kisses Tim’s sweaty forehead.
103.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN
Sleep good, little friend.

Dean and Ronald head for the bedroom. Tim looks at Joan.

TIM
I didn’t make love to Bree, Joan.

JOAN
It doesn’t matter. Here, lie down,
Lippe.

Tim rests his head on Joan’s lap. His eyes are still on fire.

JOAN (CONT’D)
(SINGS QUIETLY)
Oh dear, what can the matter be
Johnny’s so long at the fair. He
promised to bring me a pocket of
posies…

Tim shuts his eyes. Joan must be a good mom.

A KNOCKING sound fades in, providing a:

SOUND BRIDGE TO:

INT. THE TIFFANY SUITE – LATER THAT NIGHT

Orin stirs in his king-size bed. The knocking is at his door.
He gets out of bed, puts on a robe and goes to the door. He
peeks through the eyehole.

ORIN
Oh, Tim. Just a sec.

Orin glances in the mirror, smooths his hair. He undoes the
chain and opens the door…

Tim bursts in and attacks! Orin, being relatively frail,
immediately tumbles to the carpet. This can’t be good.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT./EXT. BILL KROGSTAD’S LESABRE (DRIVING) – NIGHT

Krogstad yawns but drives with determination as his car
passes a sign that reads CEDAR RAPIDS – 100 MILES.
104.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. JUNIOR SUITE – EARLY MORNING

Dean and Ronald sleep soundly in their beds. We drift off of
them to the couch, where Joan has fallen asleep. She wakes,
realizes that Tim is no longer there.

JOAN
Oh shit…

INT./EXT. TIM’S RENTAL CAR (DRIVING) – EARLY MORNING

The first hints of daylight illuminate the eastern sky. Kenny
Loggins’ WHENEVER I CALL YOU FRIEND plays on the radio. Tim,
still hopped up, drives. He enthusiastically sings along.

TIM
Sweet love showin’ us a heavenly
light. I never seen such a
beautiful sight! See love glowin’
on us every night, I know forever
we’ll be doin’ it right!

Tim drives past a farm and sees dozens of hogs foraging
around in a sloppy pen. He stomps the brakes, sliding
dangerously onto the muddy shoulder.

EXT. RURAL ROADSIDE/HOG FARM – CONTINUOUS

Tim gets out of the car. The peppy song is still playing. Tim
sings along as he dances to the back of the car.

TIM
I always wanna call you “friend!”
Sweet love showin’ us a heavenly…

Tim opens up the trunk. That’s when we see:

INSIDE THE TRUNK: Orin, in his pajamas, bound and gagged by
Holiday Inn bedsheets. His shouts are muffled by the gag.

Tim pulls Orin from the trunk. Orin’s feet are tied together,
so he has to hop as Tim leads him toward the hog farm.

TIM (CONT’D)
Careful. It’s super slippery.

Orin falls face first into the muddy ditch.

TIM (CONT’D)
Whoop. Careful now.
105.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Tim helps Orin to his feet. Several enormous HOGS rush toward
them on the other side of a barbed wire fence.

ORIN
(terrified, through gag)
Nmmmmmmmmm!

TIM
I did a ton of research on hog farm
risk mitigation. Don’t worry– they
might bite you a little if they
think you’re a food source. But
there’s never been a recorded hog-
bite death. So…

With great difficulty, Tim picks up Orin. Then, he awkwardly
hurls him over the barbed wire fence. Orin lands on his back
in a deep pile of mud and hog shit. The hogs descend.

TIM (CONT’D)
The Two Diamonds may be meaningless
to you and Bill. But there are
people who care about this stuff.
Ronald Wilkes. Even Dean. Honest,
good people. I’ll come back for you
after the Two Diamonds have been
handed out to a legitimate winner.
I’m really sorry about this, Orin,
but the insurance industry deserves
better than you.

Tim goes to his car, leaving Orin wriggling with the hogs.

INT. BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

A HUSBAND and WIFE sleep. Their phone rings. They stir. The
clock says 6:45 AM. The woman rolls over.

WIFE
Who the heck’s calling at this hour
on a Sunday morning?

The man answers the phone. (NOTE: We should now recognize the
couple as the clients Tim dealt with in the Northlands
conference room.)

HUSBAND
Hello.

TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
Kurt Gambsky, Tim Lippe– your
insurance agent. How’s Pam and the
girls?
106.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

HUSBAND
(whispers to wife)
Tim Lippe.
(TO TIM)
Um, fine, Tim. We’re fine.
Everything OK by you?

INT. TIM’S RENTAL CAR – CONTINUOUS

Tim talks on his cell as he drives.

TIM
Well, I think everything’s OK. Hope
it is anyway. Listen Kurt, here’s
why I’m calling…

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM – LATER THAT MORNING

An eagle soars on a large video screen. A patriotic anthem
plays. We boom down from the screen to find Ronald. He’s on
stage finishing up his Two Diamond presentation.

RONALD
People sometimes say that promises
are cheap. You know what Ronald
Wilkes says to that? N-S-F. Not so
fast. At the end of the day, a
man’s word is a sacred creed. And
the word I give you at Ronald
Wilkes Insurance is– I will work
for you. Thank you.

The words, “Ronald Wilkes Insurance: Working For You” appear
on screen. Ronald’s face dissolves over the eagle.

The CROWD goes nuts, applauding wildly. Dean and Joan start a
standing ovation. Ronald, though exhausted, beams on stage.

Tim is nowhere to be found. An EXECUTIVE COUNCIL MEMBER
addresses the crowd.

EXECUTIVE COUNCIL MEMBER
Once again folks, President
Helgesson left a note under my door
this morning saying he had to leave
ASMI early due to a family
emergency. I haven’t been able to
reach him on his mobile, but
obviously our thoughts and prayers
go out to Orin and his family.
(MORE)
107.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

EXECUTIVE COUNCIL MEMBER (CONT’D)
(a moment of silence)
Now… we’re set to hear our final
Two Diamond presenter. Tim Lip from
Northlands Insurance. Tim?

Joan, Dean and Ronald exchange worried looks. Dean stands.

DEAN
Hey Travis, I don’t think Tim…

Just then, Tim appears. He is filthy– covered in mud, sweat,
hog shit and tears. He futilely smooths his hair and tries to
tuck in his shirt as he takes the stage to sparse applause.

Tim goes to the computer set up on stage for Power Point. He
puts in his disc. His presentation appears on the screen.

TIM
(SEVERELY COUGHS)
Thank you. I’m Tim Lippe. Hog farm
risk mitigation… What is…?

Tim knocks a folder off the podium. Papers fly everywhere.

TIM (CONT’D)
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
(a few chuckles)
So, Hog… No. I, ah… this girl I
met, sorry woman, I guess. She’s
23. She takes drugs, and I think
might be some kind of prostitute.
(a collective gasp)
But she’s super insightful. Y’know
what she said to me last night?
Said the only real insurance is
love. That’s fricking INTENSE,
isn’t it…?

Awkward murmurs. At this moment, a very pleased Bill Krogstad
walks in with Mike Pyle. Krogstad tenses, however, when he
sees Tim’s state.

TIM (CONT’D)
I’m… ah… Our only true safety
net. Love. Crazy. I believe in
insurance. I believe in love…

Tim laughs. He looks up and sees Bill.

TIM (CONT’D)
Bill! Bill Krogstad. My former
boss, everybody.
108.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

BILL KROGSTAD
(JAW-CLENCHED SMILE)
What’re you doing, Lippe?

TIM
Why’d you do this, Bill? I don’t
understand.

Krogstad chuckles, preferring to avoid any public drama.

TIM (CONT’D)
Why’d you do it, Bill? Why’d you do
it? Why’d you lie, Bill?

BILL KROGSTAD
(to the audience)
Sorry, folks. Guess it’s against
the law now for a business owner to
sell his own business. Must’ve
missed that constitutional
amendment.

This draws chuckles from the crowd.

TIM
Insurance isn’t just a business,
Bill. Insurance is personal. I’ve
got some savings. I could’ve gotten
a loan. We could’ve worked
something out.

BILL KROGSTAD
(still playing to the crowd)
Yeah, there’s a guy you want
running an agency, isn’t it?
(THEN)
Come on, Tim, you’re tired. You’re
looking foolish here. You couldn’t
run an agency if your life depended
on it.

Tim’s lip starts to quiver, and with great effort:

TIM
Screw you, Bill. Screw you… hard.
(GATHERS STRENGTH)
That’s a bunch of dog crap. You and
Lemke, that… fucking pervert…
you stole my ideas and called them
your own for years. And I didn’t
say squat– because I figured we
were like a family. I may not have
quite as many clients as Roger had.
But my people are loyal, Bill.
(MORE)
109.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

TIM (CONT’D)
I care about them. And guess what,
they care about me. Fact, I’ve
called more than half of them
already this morning…

BILL KROGSTAD
Watch yourself, Lippe…

TIM
I knew which ones would be on their
way to church, which ones I’d be
waking up, which ones probably got
a little blotto last night and
might be hung over… And every
single person I talked to– every
one– is staying with me.

BILL KROGSTAD
You don’t know what you’re doing.

TIM
I do actually. I do know, Bill. And
before the day is out, I’ll have
called all my clients. All of them.
(to Mike Pyle)
So hey, congratulations Pyle of
Shit– you just bought a company
that’s losing half its business.

DEAN
Fuck yeah Timbo!

Mike Pyle blinks several times. Krogstad seethes. Before Tim
can fully bask in the glow of his triumph:

ORIN (O.S.)
Right there, officer. That’s him.

Orin, still in his pajamas and caked in hog shit, points TWO
CEDAR RAPIDS COPS in Tim’s direction. Tactful pandemonium
ensues. Dean, Ronald and Joan rush to Tim’s side.

JOAN RONALD
Jesus Lippe, what did you do? Aw jeez. This is no good.

DEAN
What’s the fucking charge?

TIM
Here.

Before the cops get to him, Tim hands Dean a crumpled piece
of paper.
110.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN
What’s this?

TIM
You’ll figure it out.

A cop cuffs Tim and leads him out of the ballroom.

FADE TO BLACK:

INT. HOLDING CELL – DAY

Tim sits on a metal bench in a dank holding cell.

TIM
I know what you’re thinking–
thinking “this wiseacre’s full of
baloney.” Am I right?

Reveal: He’s chatting with a massive black man, REGINALD, 30.

TIM (CONT’D)
But I’m telling you Reginald,
you’re actually a perfect candidate
for term life…

A GUARD opens the cell door.

GUARD
Tim Lip?

REGINALD
He pronounce it like Lippy.

GUARD
Well, you’re outta here, Lippe.

Tim hands Reginald a business card.

TIM
I’m serious. Call any time– on the
mobile or home phone, though. The
office number’s no good anymore.

Reginald gives Tim a warm hug.

REGINALD
Thanks Tim. You’re all right.
111.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

EXT. CITY LOCK-UP – DAY

Tim walks out of the jail into the bright sunlight. Dean is
there waiting for him. They walk toward Dean’s minivan.

TIM
Don’t even say it, Deanzie– no one
butt rammed me or whatever in
there.

DEAN
“Butt ram!” I love it!

Dean gives Tim a hug. He then pulls a crumpled piece of paper
from his pocket– it’s the sheet Tim gave him earlier.

DEAN (CONT’D)
Want your get out of jail free card
back?

TIM
Not particularly.

DEAN
When I saw it, at first I was like,
shit am I supposed to take money
out of the account, or what?

TIM
Did you?

DEAN
Nah, it was more fun watching the
smug fuck sweat. I told him I’d rat
his pathetic ass out if he didn’t
drop the charges against you.

TIM
(a genuine smile)
Sweet.

Dean tosses the paper into the trash. We now see what it says.
On Holiday Inn stationary, in Tim’s scrawl: www.paypal.com.
Username: OrinHelgesson. Password: PontoonMan123.

INT. DEAN’S MINIVAN – DAY

Dean drives. Ronald rides shotgun. Tim and Joan are in back.
The minivan cruises past downtown Cedar Rapids. Tim looks up
at the buildings. So tall.

Ronald considers his Two Diamond plaque.
112.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

RONALD
It’s not as cool as I thought it’d
be. I don’t think this is even real
wood.

DEAN
(lacking his usual energy)
I’ll show you some real wood.

Ronald starts giggling. It turns into a laugh. The laugh
becomes infectious. Before long, Tim, Joan, Ronald and Dean
are all laughing their asses off.

EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS AIRPORT – EVENING

Dean, Ronald and Joan accompany Tim, now cleaned up, to the
airport. Tim sets down his old American Tourister.

TIM
Well.

JOAN
Deep subject. D’aar. Get it?
(punches his arm)
I told you you were a hero, Lippe.
Insurance Man saves the day!

TIM
Tss. Ruined it more like.

JOAN
True sign of a good day.

DEAN
Well, pal, it’s been real.

TIM
(CHOKES UP)
I’m gonna miss you guys.

RONALD
Yeah. You bet.

DEAN
Listen, my cousin Bob– guy made a
truckload selling these little
scented pine trees all the ragheads
hang in their cabs? Fuckin’ believe
that? Anyhow, he’s got a sweet
cottage up on Lake of the Woods.
Canada? I can use it whenever I
want.
(MORE)
113.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

DEAN (CONT’D)
I say we book it for June, before
the mosquitoes go apeshit up there.

RONALD
More time in a tightly enclosed
space with Ziegler. Gee, sign me up.

TIM
I think it sounds awesome.

RONALD
Actually, me too. The Ronimal could
use a vacation.

DEAN
Done.

Dean picks Tim up in a bear hug, spins him around. Ronald
gives Tim a more subdued hug. Then there’s Joan.

JOAN
So. Keep in touch. E-mail, all that
good stuff.

TIM
You bet. You bet. You too.

JOAN
If you’re ever– not that you would
be– ever in Oh-my-God, Nebraska…

TIM
Yeah. Mutual of Omaha’s Wild
Kingdom. I used to watch that.
Would be cool some day to see.

JOAN
Yeah. Look me up.

TIM
So.

He puts out his hand. She laughs and hugs him instead. Tim
closes his eyes. She feels so good. Smells so good.

Joan’s eyes are wide open. She swallows hard. She will not
cry. It’s OK. Keep telling yourself everything will be OK…

DISSOLVE TO:
114.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

INT. PLANE – NIGHT

Tim looks out the window, watching the city lights of Cedar
Rapids fade away. He catches his reflection in the window. He
exhales. He smiles a little.

Tim relaxes in his seat. He looks at his seat mate, a
pleasant-looking WOMAN in her mid-30s.

TIM
So, did you do anything fun in
Cedar Rapids…?

FADE TO BLACK:

SUPERSCRIPT: One Day Later

FADE IN:

INT. OLD COUNTRY BUFFET – NIGHT

Tim loads a plate with macaroni, meatloaf, peas and mashed
potatoes. Millie selects fish, potatoes, rice and corn.

They wordlessly walk from the buffet to a booth. They sit and
start eating in silence. After a bit:

TIM
How’s the walleye?

MILLIE
Decent. Not bad.

TIM
Meatloaf’s on the dry side.

MILLIE
Mm.

Tim tries to smile at Millie. He is surprised to see that her
eyes are filling with tears.

TIM
What’s…?

Without saying a word, Millie struggles to pry the small
diamond engagement ring from her sausage-like finger.
Finally, she gets it off and hands it to Tim.

He thinks of protesting. Instead, he takes the ring and puts
it in his pocket. Millie sniffles a bit, composes herself.
Tim opens his mouth to say something. Before he can think of
anything to say:
115.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

Wade sits down with a ridiculously full plate of food.

WADE
Shit, where were they hidin’ the
meatloaf…?

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. TIM’S BACKYARD – DAY

Tim dumps birdseed in the feeder. Sunlight filters through
the tree branches. The snow is starting to melt.

NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
You’re just gonna attract red
squirrels with that junk, Tim.

Tim smiles at his old, gnarled neighbor, LESLIE, 80.

TIM
How ya doin’ there, Leslie?

LESLIE
Ach, I’m too old to give a shit.

They take off their gloves to shake hands. Leslie won’t let
go of Tim’s hand– the way old men sometimes do.

LESLIE (CONT’D)
Bill Krogstad told me he’s
switching our policy to some fella
down in Milwaukee. Allstate. Says I
won’t notice a bit of difference in
coverage or nothin’.

TIM
No, you probably won’t.

LESLIE
Mm. Anyhow, I told the cocksucker
to go fuck himself. Says I’m going
with Tim Lippe. A man I can trust.
(A WINK)
It’s a good thing you’re doin’–
keepin’ work in Brown Valley.

TIM
I’m trying…

Leslie pats Tim on the shoulder. As he heads back inside:
116.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

LESLIE
Let me know when them red squirrels
show up at your feeder. I’ll borrow
you my 22.

Tim chuckles. He goes back to his yard. He pauses. At his
feeder: A robin. A sure sign of spring.

An uplifting song fades in, along with:

TIM (V.O.)
The chances we take in life are
called risks.

DISSOLVE TO:

A SERIES OF SHOTS —

– ON A LAKE: Tim is pulled behind a boat on waterskis. He
falls face first, skipping across the lake.

TIM (V.O.)
We pay insurance companies premiums
as a way of hedging our bets, in
case those risks we take cause us
or our property harm.

– AT A BALL DIAMOND: Tim, playing in a summer softball
league, slides headfirst into third base.

TIM (V.O.) (CONT’D)
That’s the point of insurance– so
we can live and love life to the
fullest.

– AT A STRIP MALL: A COUPLE walks past a discount shoe store
and into TIM LIPPE INSURANCE. The camera follows them into
the cramped, decidedly unimpressive office. Tim, seated at a
desk, looks directly at the camera and stiffly addresses it.

TIM (CONT’D)
At Tim Lippe Insurance, we can’t
guarantee that you’ll live your
life without devastating losses.
But we can give you peace of mind–
knowing that if something awful or
unfortunate does happen– we’ll
have you covered. Tim Lippe
Insurance. Insuring your Home and
your Hopes.
117.
Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09

A fanciful unicorn prances across the screen, and we:

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. CANADIAN CABIN – DAY

REVEAL: Tim, Dean and Ronald have been watching Tim’s ad on a
TV at a lakeside cabin. Tim looks proudly at his friends.

RONALD
Can I be honest here, Tim?

TIM
You bet.

DEAN
What was with the fuckin’ unicorn?

TIM
What? It represented hope…

RONALD
All’s I’m saying is you might’ve
wanted to hire an actor with some
professional training…

DEAN
Jesus– a retarded kid just sitting
there yelling would’ve been better
than you.

TIM
Aw, you’re both a couple of a-
holes…

Tim whips an empty beer can at Dean. The three friends laugh–
living life in the moment. As it should be.

FADE OUT:

THE END[amazonjs asin=”B008CDAVAQ” locale=”JP” title=”バッドトリップ! 消えたNO.1セールスマンと史上最悪の代理出張 DVD”]




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