アメリカン・パイ(1999年)

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INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

PAN across details in a bedroom…we see discarded
shirts…pants…socks…and hear

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you’re so good.

JIM (O.S.)
Yeah, I’m the best, baby.

Now we see a TV…but the picture isn’t clear. Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled — it phases in
and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional
glimpses of what looks like —

JIM (O.S.)(CONT’D)
…oh — that was a tit, tits…

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
possible to watch the pay channels while they’re
scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in
the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM — 17,
short, horny.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Give it to me! Yes!

JIM
Oh yeah, baby, I’ll give it to you.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
to Jim on his bed. “Cosmopolitan” is open to a sexy
model…a yearbook is open to the “girl’s swim team”
section…and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
“Vagina” listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Don’t you love my sexy body?!

JIM
I do, baby, I do.

He frantically looks around…and grabs a tube sock off
the floor.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
You’re so big!

JIM
Yeah, that’s right.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
(deep macho voice)
Ohhh, tell me you’re a nasty girl!

Jim is thrown off.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT’D)
Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

JIM
Man, shut up!

Suddenly there’s a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
which JIM’S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers
himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She’s
oblivious to his doings.

JIM’S MOM
Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say
sweet dreams.

JIM
Yep, okay Mom, ‘night.

JIM’S MOM
(leans in to Jim)
Kiss goodnight.

Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

JIM’S MOM (CONT’D)
Is something wrong with the reception?

JIM
Yeah. Damn cable. There’s this
nature show that I’m trying to watch.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Fuck me! Yes!

JIM
Uh…

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

JIM
(choking)
Must…be…broken…

JIM’S DAD enters.

JIM’S DAD
What the heck is this?

JIM
Nothing!

JIM’S MOM
I think he’s trying to watch one of
the illegal channels.

JIM
Jesus, Mom! They’re not illegal!
They’re pay channels. How could a
television channel be illegal?! God,
get a clue!

JIM’S DAD
James, don’t speak that way to your
mother!

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
Play with my hairy balls!

JIM’S DAD
Turn that garbage off! Give me that!

Jim’s Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
pillow that’s been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed
aside — revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.

JIM’S MOM
Oh my God!

JIM’S DAD
Honey, why don’t you let me handle this
one.

He ushers her out. Jim’s Dad is stuck there with his
half-naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long,
strained beat.

JIM’S DAD (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell,
son, I’ll buy you some dirty
magazines.

Jim’s Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape,
humiliated.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS – DAY

We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
“Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan — A Great Place
To Be”

EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL – DAY

The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
He’s a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
senior. VICKY rides shotgun — pretty, smart, confident.
She’s holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
“Vanderbilt” return address on it.

KEVIN
It’s a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.

VICKY
You think so?

She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various
forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.

KEVIN
“Dear Ms. Hughes. We’re sorry, but
after keeping you on the wait list for
the past couple months, we’ve decided
you are now rejected. Enclosed is a
100-page, full-color brochure on how
rejected you are.”

VICKY
Kevin, this is serious!

KEVIN
You got in.

Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
hug.

VICKY
I love you!

She hugs Kevin tighter — as he looks a little frazzled,
almost perfunctorily returning the hug.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – COURTYARD – MORNING

Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER — “OZ” — a cocky
senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball
in a lacrosse stick.

OZ
Illegal channels? Shit, if there’s
any channel that should be illegal,
it’s whatever that women’s channel is.
Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
shit.

JIM
Yeah — hey, did you see The Little
Mermaid on TV the other night? That
Ariel, whew.

OZ
She’s a mermaid, dude.

JIM
(trumping him)
Yeah, Oz, but not when she’s on land.

OZ
She’s a cartoon, dude.

JIM
A hot cartoon.

OZ
Is there anything you don’t jerk off
to?

JIM
C-Span?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – MAIN HALLWAY – DAY

Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz
bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.

KEVIN
Then she said — she loves me.

OZ
Oh shit dude, the L-word!

JIM
And you said…

KEVIN
Nothing, I just hugged her back.

JIM
You think she was serious?

KEVIN
I couldn’t tell — She could’ve meant
like, “I love you grandma” or “I love
you Vanderbilt.”

OZ
Just don’t bring it up, hang low,
maybe she won’t mention it again.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – SENIOR LOCKERS – DAY

The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.

MICHELLE
And what we should do today, in band?
Instead of playing our instruments
regularly? We should play them
backwards! That’ll be so funny!

The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, “hilariously” attempting
to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys
shudder.

OZ
(to Jim)
You guys got the Latin homework?

JIM
No — Kevin, you?

KEVIN
(offended)
Please.
(then)
We’re all golden, we’re college bound.
I figured it out — I can get a c-
minus in every class, and it’s not
gonna make a difference. U of M, here
I come.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE – DAY

Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
a pop (we’re in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.

VICKY
Vanderbilt’s not that far from U of M.

JESSICA
Yeah right.

VICKY
What? We both have cars.

JESSICA
Yeah but, no offense, you’re talking
about a post-high school, long-
distance relationship, and you and
Kevin haven’t even done it yet.

VICKY
That’s not why we’re going out.

JESSICA
What the hell are you expecting him to
drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and
cookies?

VICKY
Jessica! He’ll drive there for me,
and I’ll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
We’re going to have sex when he’s
ready and I’m ready. It’s got to be
completely perfect. I want the right
place, the right time, the right
moment.

JESSICA
Vicky, it’s not a space shuttle
launch, it’s sex. So did you do the
physics write-up?

VICKY
(offended, a la Kevin)
Please.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS – SENIOR LOCKERS – DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.

JIM
There’s our man.

KEVIN
Finch, you got the Latin homework?

FINCH
Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.

The guys keep staring. A beat.

KEVIN
Whatever.

Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz
is STEVE STIFLER — very clean-cut and preppy, he’s a
maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part
of the group.

STIFLER
(yelling)
NOVA!!

OZ
Stifler!!

Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
hug.

STIFLER
You coming to party tonight,
Ostreicher, ya fuckface?

OZ
Depends if my date wants to stop by.

STIFLER
That junior chick?

OZ
Nah, gave her the Heisman. I’m
working on something new.

STIFLER
Yeah right. I got an idea for
something new. How ‘bout you guys
actually locate your dicks, remove the
shrink wrap, and fuckin’ use ‘em.

OZ
Dude, it’s gotta happen — she’s a
college chick!

STIFLER
Bullshit. From where?

OZ
She works part-time at my dad’s store.

STIFLER
Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it’s more like
your dad works at her store.

OZ
Dude, he does not.

KEVIN
Really, Stifler. He’s the manager.

Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.

STIFLER
Hey, man, I’m not making fun. I’m
fuckin’ impressed. I mean, “Footlong
or six-inch, white or wheat,” that’s
some serious shit to master.

Oz musters a little LAUGH.

KEVIN
(half-joking)
Stifler, you’re such an asshole.

STIFLER
Meyers, what’s the deal with you and
Vicky, anyway? You’ve been going out
since Homecoming and all she’ll do is
blow you? Shit, I’d drop her like a
steaming turd.

FINCH
Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
stool?

STIFLER
(momentarily puzzled)
I do when I’m throwing them at your
mom, you damn freak.
(then)
Alright then, see you guys tonight.
I’ll look for you in the No Fucking
section.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
off.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a
tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN’S OLDER BROTHER — 25, on
his cell phone, traveling down a California road.

KEVIN’S BROTHER
You called me to ask me how to get laid?

KEVIN
What was I gonna do, call dad? I
don’t even know his number.

KEVIN’S BROTHER
Just dial 976-Asshole.

KEVIN
Yeah, well anyway…I thought you
might have some advice, brother to
brother. I mean, I think tonight she
might, we might really, there’s a
chance that — you know.

KEVIN’S BROTHER
Have you ever heard of the bible?

KEVIN
What? Not the Bible?

KEVIN’S BROTHER
Well, that’s not really the name, but
we always called it that.

KEVIN
Does it tell me how to get laid?

KEVIN’S BROTHER
You know what, nevermind. You’re not
ready.

KEVIN
Ready for what?

KEVIN’S BROTHER
Whoop, you’re fading out. Good luck
at that party.

INT. DOG DAYS – LATE AFTERNOON

A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme,
CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with
condiments.

KEVIN
You ever hear of something called The
Bible?

OZ
Once, in church, dude.

Jim is paging through Great Falls’ equivalent of the LA
Weekly.

JIM
Ooh, here’s an easy one: “Attractive
SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
seeks outgoing companion.”
Okay…”Attractive”…ugly.

OZ
“Fun loving” — insane.

KEVIN
Unlisted age, plus “youthful mind,”
equals old.

JIM
No, “Charming” is old. “Older” is
really old. “Youthful mind” is dead.

FINCH
Perhaps you should consider actually
answering an ad.

JIM
Finch, you can be the one to date a
nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your
damn imitation hot dog.

FINCH
(“for the hundredth time”)
This is no imitation. Removing the
hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
better dog. Behold — Ultradog, no
dog.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It’s
all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.

KEVIN
(checks his watch)
Alright…I’m shooting for a nine
o’clock ETA. Beer in hand by five
after.

JIM
You can crash at Stifler’s?

KEVIN
It’s all good.
(He pulls out some gum)
Breath check.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of
Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.

OZ
(repulsed)
Dude, I wish you wouldn’t do that.

KEVIN
You got something up your sleeve for
tonight, Finch?

FINCH
A foolproof plan, my friend. You
shall see.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background — “Blinded
by the Light” [the original Springsteen version, not the
Manfred Mann remake].

OZ
(sings along)
And little hurly-burly came by in her
curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed
I ri-hide —

KEVIN
How the hell do you know all these
random songs?

OZ
It’s early Springsteen, dude, this is
classic. This was before the cheesy
remake.

JIM
This was remade? Into what?

OZ
(chiming in as the chorus hits)
Bli-hinded by the light — cut loose
like a deuce, another runner in the
night, blinded…

KEVIN
At least now I know what the hell
they’re saying.

JIM
So, does my hair look better —
(flips a small lock of hair
onto his forehead)
like this, or…
(flips it back up)
like this?

OZ
Who cares?

JIM
Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
chick, she might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she’d prefer —
(flips hair down again)
Cool Hip Jim…
(flips it back up)
or Laid Back Jim?

KEVIN
The difference is so phenomenal, I
can’t decide.

EXT. DOG DAYS – MAGIC HOUR – CONTINUING

They exit the restaurant.

JIM
What about you? You’re the one with
the girlfriend and you’re still
stranded on third base.

KEVIN
You know, I’ve never got that shit.
What exactly constitutes third base?

OZ
(holds up a couple fingers)
Contact, dude.

KEVIN
Then where does a blowjob figure in?

They ponder this for a moment.

OZ
Shortstop. ‘Course, you don’t make it
to third, and you’re out.

JIM
So let’s say you get there…what’s
uh, third base feel like?

KEVIN
Oh, man, that’s kind of sad.

Jim shrugs, embarrassed.

OZ
Feels like warm apple pie, dude.

JIM
Apple pie…
(then)
McDonald’s or homemade?

They just look at him. Finch hops on his scooter.

FINCH
Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.

He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

For a high-school party, it’s pretty good. The house is
peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS. MUSIC
blends with the din of excited conversation.

Kevin and Jim are drinking beers. Around them, students
mingle and flirt. CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.

SHERMAN
What’s up, fellas?

JIM
Hey Sherman. Scopin’ the babes.

SHERMAN
Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys.
Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
is high.
Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
strategic arsenal ready for
deployment.

JIM
You’ve got something going?

SHERMAN
Did you see that Central chick?
Brunette?

KEVIN/JIM
No.

SHERMAN
She’s around. Seems that she’s taken
a liking to me. Fellas, it’s time
that she experienced — The
Sherminator.

KEVIN
Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.

SHERMAN
I’m a sophisticated sex robot, sent
back through time…to change the
future for one lucky lady.

KEVIN
Yeah man, right on!

Sherman saunters off into the party.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
(shakes his head)
Hopeless.

Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
EXCHANGING GREETINGS. Jim spots NADIA across the room.
She’s beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.

JIM
Oh, shit! There she is. Nadia.

VICKY
You like her? Her sponsor family
lives on my block. Why don’t you talk
to her?

JIM
What would I say?

VICKY
Just tell her what’s on your mind.
And smile, you’ve got a good smile.
(then to Kevin)
Come on.

KEVIN
(to Jim)
Gotta go.

JIM
But —

Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd — just as Jim
sees Nadia approaching him. He freaks.

JIM (cont’d)
Kevin, get back here!

But he’s gone. And Nadia is now in front of him. With
no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.

NADIA
(with a really sexy accent)
You are in my English class, no?

Jim smiles.

JIM
(barely)
Yes.

NADIA
I thought so.

Jim’s smile grows even bigger, almost stupid. A beat.

NADIA (cont’d)
So you are having fun?

Jim nods, still smiling away. Staring right through her
head.

NADIA (cont’d)
I said, you are having fun?

A little SQUEAK escapes his throat. Jim is on mental
vacation.

NADIA (cont’d)
Me too.

A beat. Jim’s expression is now plasticized. Eyes
vacant. A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
confused.

NADIA (cont’d)
Well…I am going to get another beer.
You want one?

Jim strains to speak, through his smile.

JIM
No…you…go…ahead.

NADIA
Okay.

She walks off. Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
huge burden is now off of him. He wipes his brow. Then,
realizing —

JIM
Oh, shit. No! Shit!

He pounds his head with his fist.

EXT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – FRONT DOOR – NIGHT

A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
Michelle. Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
in disbelief.

MICHELLE
We’re here for the party?

STIFLER
What party? There’s no party.

MUSIC blares from inside. A drunken HAND reaches through
the door and ruffles Stifler’s hair.

PARTY GUY (O.S.)
Stiff-lerrr! Par-tyyy!!

The hand disappears back into the house. A beat.

STIFLER
Try the house down the street.

Stifler slams the door. The dorks wait a moment.

BAND DORK
Ring the bell again.

MICHELLE
Ringing the bell is dorky — let’s
just go in.

We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.

VICKY
Oh, Kev.

KEVIN
Vicky — do you think, maybe…it’s
time for us to take the next step in
our relationship?

VICKY
Tonight?

KEVIN
Yeah, it’s such a perfect evening.
Isn’t this how you’ve always pictured
it?

PARTY GUY (O.S.)
(yelling)
Dude, my farts fuckin’ stink!

PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
You reek like a fuckin’ Yeti, dude!
Go take a shit or something!

Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.

KEVIN
Or not.

Vicky pushes him onto his back.

VICKY
Just relax.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK. She’s attractive and older-
looking (from a high-school perspective). They are
parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
Falls.

OZ
Great evening, isn’t it?

COLLEGE CHICK
Sure.

OZ
There’s something about the spring
that’s just cool. Like the smell of
fresh rain or something.

At this, she snuggles up to him. Oz smiles confidently.

OZ (CONT’D)
Suck me, beautiful.

The College Chick backs off, confounded.

COLLEGE CHICK
What did you just say?

OZ
(not so confidently)
Suck me…beautiful?

The College Chick’s eyes flutter in disbelief. She tries
to keep her cool — but can barely restrain her laughter.

COLLEGE CHICK
What?!

Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he’s just
had the rug pulled from under him.

OZ
Uh…you know, my friends call me Nova
— as in Casanova.

COLLEGE CHICK
You need some work, buddy!

She bursts into laughter. Oz is ill.

OZ
Well…jeez, don’t laugh at me.

Seeing Oz’s defeated expression, she collects herself.

COLLEGE CHICK
Look, Chris. There are just some
things you need to learn, that’s all.

OZ
Like what?

She sees that he’s lost. Almost feels sorry for him.

COLLEGE CHICK
Alright, well…you’ve got to tone it
down. You don’t need to go to Lookout
Point and spout cheeseball lines to be
romantic.

OZ
…okay…

COLLEGE CHICK
You have to pay attention to a girl.
Be sensitive to her feelings.
Relationships are reciprocal.

OZ
I’m not good in math.

She’s trying not to laugh again.

COLLEGE CHICK
Come on, I’ll drop you off at your
friends’.

Oz couldn’t be humiliated any further.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT – SAME TIME

Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
Stifler, and some guys.

STIFLER
(hysterical, toppling over)
You actually said that?! Haaaah!!

OZ
Shut the fuck up.

JIM
Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.

OZ
Oh that’s really reassuring. And
don’t call me Nova anymore. I’m a
fraud.

STIFLER
This is pathetic. I’m gonna find me a
little hottie.

Stifler strides into another room.

STIFLER (O.S.)(cont’d)
(yelling)
Suck me, beautiful!

Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT

Vicky is pleasuring Kevin…you know.

VICKY
(brief pause)
Let me know.

KEVIN
Okay, don’t stop.

She resumes. A moment more — and then Kevin is about to
lose it.

KEVIN (cont’d)
Oh — Now!

With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin
frantically searches for a receptacle. He grabs a nearby
cup of beer.

EXT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG – NIGHT

Insert — A hand pumping up the keg. A fresh beer foams
out into the cup.

GUY #1
There we go.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT – MOMENTS LATER

Vicky is buttoning up her shirt. Kevin tentatively sets
down the beer and buttons his pants. Suddenly the DOOR
BURSTS OPEN. Stifler is standing there. A coat hanger
sticks out of the doorknob.

STIFLER
SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!

KEVIN
God dammit, Stifler!

STIFLER
Check-out time! Please vacate the
room.

VICKY
Stifler, you’re such a jerk.

She runs out, grabbing her clothes. Kevin runs after
her.

KEVIN
Vicky, wait!

Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
CHICK behind him. He closes the door.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
God, I can’t believe there are so many
cool people at this party.

STIFLER
Yep.

SOPHOMORE
And you got a keg, too, wow.
(realizing)
Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.

Stifler notices Kevin’s beer sitting on the night table.
He hands it to her.

STIFLER
Here, babe.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
Thanks.

She’s about to take a sip.

STIFLER
(gazing into her eyes)
You’re really beautiful.

Thrown off, she sets the beer down.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
Really?

STIFLER
Uh huh.

She’s totally enthralled. Nervous, she raises the beer
again to take a sip. Then Stifler moves in. Takes the
beer from her and sets it down. Starts kissing her. She
breaks it off.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
I don’t know if I want to be doing
this.

STIFLER
(sighs)
Doing what?

Stifler looks inconvenienced. He picks up the beer,
annoyed.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
You know. If we hook up, tomorrow
I’ll just be some girl you go telling
all your friends about.

STIFLER
(shifty)
No way.

Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
(a little angry)
Steve! You could at least look at me
when you say that.

Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.
Lowers it. Stares her in the eye.

STIFLER
Look…
(searching, remembers)
…Sarah. I wouldn’t go telling
stories or whatever about you. I
promise.

Smiling, he raises the beer…

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – CONTINUING

Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.

JIM
What the hell? I should be able to
talk to chicks. I’m articulate. I
got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
(starts listing off words)
Copious. Verisimilitude.

A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.

JIM (CONT’D)
(unaffected)
Intransigence.

A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs. The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes
running through the kitchen. SCREAMING. And
indeterminate stain is on her shirt. She bolts out the
door and into the night. A moment passes.

JIM (CONT’D)
Regurgitation.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BATHROOM – NIGHT

Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet. Jim and
a few other guys rush in.

GUY #1
Oh, gross.

JIM
Jesus, what did you eat?

Stifler just keeps hurling. Kevin enters, holding the
remains of the tainted beer.

KEVIN
Stifler, how’s the man chowder?!

Stifler barfs even more violently.

EXT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG – NIGHT

Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg.
Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.

VICKY
He likes it.

JESSICA
Of course he does. What about you?
Have you just never had one with Kevin
— or have you never had one, period?

VICKY
I think I’ve had one.

JESSICA
Well that’s a no. No wonder you’re
not psyched about sex.
(starts filling Vicky’s beer)
You’ve never even had one manually?

VICKY
…I’ve never tried it.

JESSICA
Are you kidding? You’ve never double-
clicked your mouse?

Vicky shrugs.

JESSICA (CONT’D)
Hell, just a pair of tight pants will
set me off.
(noticing Nadia next to them,
she passes the tap along)
Am I right or what, Nadia?

NADIA
(no bones about it)
You are right. The hands are not
always necessary.

JESSICA
(to Vicky)
See?

NADIA
In fact — I should teach you my own
special method. I developed it myself
at the ballet institute in Prague.
You use nothing but the muscles of the
inner thigh.

Nadia walks off.

JESSICA
No wonder she never pays attention in
class.

Vicky nods, traumatized.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – LATER

Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER’S MOM
on the wall. Very attractive, late 30’s.

JIM
Shit, I can’t believe a fine woman
like this produced a guy like Stifler.

TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.

FRESHMAN GUY
Dude! That chick — is a MILF!

FRESHMAN GUY #2
What the hell is that?

FRESHMAN GUY
M-I-L-F! Mom I’d Like to Fuck!

Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches. Sherman
pokes his head out.

SHERMAN
(hushed, to guys)
Don’t you think you fellas could try a
little tact? I’ve got company. Know
what I mean?

In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central
Girl. Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there,
dumbstruck.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – STAIRWAY – NIGHT

Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.

KEVIN
(snapping)
Dammit! If Sherman has sex before I
do, I’m gonna be really fucking
pissed.

They turn the corner into the kitchen.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – CONTINUING

KEVIN
Man, I just gotta get laid already!
This blowjob thing is bullshit!

He stops. Vicky is there with Jessica. Staring at him.
Vicky quietly grabs her purse. Hurt. OTHER STUDENTS
watch, silently. Kevin doesn’t know what to say.

VICKY
Jessica, can you drive me home?

JESSICA
Sure.

The guys watch as the girls head for the door.

KEVIN
Vicky, wait.

VICKY
Not for you.

The girls exit. Nobody says anything. Kevin is in
shock.

PARTY GUY (O.S.)
Yeti! I am the Yeti!

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – DAY

The next morning. The party is long over. Plastic beer
cups and various bottles litter the house, but it’s not
trashed.

Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head. He
stumbles over a body. It’s Kevin.

KEVIN
Ow, what the hell?

JIM
Sorry, I thought you were dead.

They walk over to the other side of the room. Finch is
sitting on the couch.

FINCH
Good morning gentleman.

JIM
Finch! Where were you last night?
What happened to the foolproof plan?

FINCH
I thought a fashionably late entrance
would enhance my appearance.
(off their looks)
When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
over and the nymphs had left.

Oz wanders in, still sullen. Takes a seat, sulking.

KEVIN
Feeling better, Oz?

OZ
I’m such a loser.

KEVIN
That’s the spirit.

We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs. It’s the
CENTRAL GIRL. She wears a “Central” sweatshirt. Sherman
follows behind her. The guys watch in disbelief as
Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.

SHERMAN
(snippets of conversation)
…I’ll never forget…thank you.

The Central Girl smiles. Notices the other guys
watching. Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.

CENTRAL GIRL
Bye.

She exits. The guys are dumbfounded. Jaws hang.
Sherman looks triumphant. Strides over to the guys.

JIM
You did it.

SHERMAN
Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
the boy. I am now a man.

The guys are shocked and amazed.

SHERMAN (CONT’D)
I highly recommend you join the club.

KEVIN
I — I don’t get it, how the hell did
you do that?

SHERMAN
It was just my time, fellas, it was
just my time. Best of luck to you,
boys.

Sherman exits. Silence. The guys look like they just
lost the World Series on errors. They slowly take seats,
ruined.

KEVIN
I put in months of quality time with
Vicky. Sherman meets a chick for one
night and scores? This is just wrong.

OZ
No shit, I’m never gonna get laid.
How the hell am I gonna become this
Mr. Sensitive Man?

JIM
Jesus, we’re all gonna go to college
as virgins. They’ve probably got
special dorms for people like us.

A long beat as they give this serious consideration.
Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the
group.

KEVIN
Alright, I got an idea. But it stays
between us. Agreed?

They do.

KEVIN (cont’d)
Okay. It’s really simple. We
make an agreement — no wait, more
than an agreement.

JIM
Like a bet?

KEVIN
No, a pact. No money involved. This
is more important than any bet. Now
here’s the deal: We all get laid
before we graduate.

A beat

OZ
Dude, it’s not like I haven’t been
trying to get laid.

KEVIN
This is different. This is better.
Think of when you’re working out, Oz.
You need a partner, someone to spot
you. Someone to keep you motivated.

Oz nods, getting into it. Kevin smiles and continues,
arms outspread.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
That’s what we are, we keep each other
on track. Prior to this day, we’ve
postured. We’ve procrastinated.
We’ve pretended. We’ve — well I
can’t think of other p-words, but
we’ve probably done them too.

JIM
Pontificated.

KEVIN
(ignoring him)
Separately, we are flawed and
vulnerable. But together, we are the
masters of our sexual destiny!

JIM
(kung fu voice)
Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
but our dragon style will defeat it!

OZ
(going on)
The Sha-lin masters from east and west
must unite!

KEVIN
Guys, guys — you’re ruining my
fucking moment here. Now think about
it —

Kevin jumps up on a chair.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
No longer will our penises remain
flaccid and unused! From now on, we
fight for every man out there who
isn’t getting laid when he should be!
This is our day! This is our time!
And, by God, we’re not gonna let
history condemn us to celibacy! We
will make a stand! We will succeed!
We will get laid!

Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on
top, in between them — it’s a pact! They break with a
CHEER. Woo-hoo!

STIFLER
(wandering down from upstairs)
What the hell are you losers doing?

They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste.

FINCH
If I might ask, when you brush your
teeth, do you spit or swallow?

Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
and heads back upstairs.

INT. DOG DAYS – DAY

The guys are finishing up breakfast. Hot dogs & eggs.

KEVIN
Now, the sex — it’s got to be valid,
consensual sex. No funny stuff. And
no prostitutes, if you were thinking
about that, Finch.

Finch gives a wistful “Who, me?”

KEVIN (CONT’D)
So, I’m thinking prom is basically our
last big chance.

OZ
Dude, prom sucks.

KEVIN
I know, but think about it — At the
parties that night. Chicks are gonna
want to do it.

JIM
Yeah, it’s like tradition or
something.

KEVIN
Right. That gives us…

JIM
Exactly three weeks to the day.

They take this in with some trepidation.

KEVIN
Alright then. It’s official. Any
questions?

There are none. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

KEVIN (cont’d)
To the next step.

The guys raise their drinks.

ALL
To the next step.

They toast. And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
FOR SEX MONTAGE:

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
pages. Finds a “Floral Delivery” listing. Kevin dials.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – SENIOR LOCKERS – DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
which Kevin takes. They part ways.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
confusion. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
pottery with little sponges. Oz looks dubious.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – CAFETERIA – DAY

Finch is unpacking his lunch. He carefully unfolds a
napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than
that, he’s doing absolutely nothing.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
attached to his computer. The computer screen reads, “E-
DATE: We Make Love Happen.” As Jim fiddles with the
camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
He clicks an onscreen-button labeled “FREEZE IMAGE” —
the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
The screen reads, “IMAGE SENT.”

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS – LIBRARY – DAY

Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE. We see he’s in the
“Religion” section. Surrounded by piles of different
bibles. No luck.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – CAFETERIA – DAY

Finch pulls out a small mustard packet. He neatly snips
the end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a
tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
bit of mustard.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jim is on his computer. The screen reads “YOU HAVE 00
REPLIES.” Jim is nonplussed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – SENIOR LOCKERS – DAY

Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin’s
locker, holding their backpacks open. Kevin holds a big
shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
falls out. He hands it over to Jim…and we see that the
guys’ packs are full of various condom boxes.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
examining them.

And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.

JIM
(shoving the rubbers into his
night table)
Just a minute!

He opens the bedroom door. Jim’s Dad is standing there.

JIM’S DAD
(trying not to look inside)
Can I come in?

JIM
Yeah, sure.

JIM’S DAD
You’re not…busy?

JIM
Dad, come in.

Jim’s Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
He takes a seat on Jim’s bed.

JIM’S DAD
(fatherly attempt)
Sit down, Jim. Let’s talk.

Jim takes a seat next to his dad.

JIM
Okay.

JIM’S DAD
These are for you. From father to
son.

Jim looks at the bag. Uncomfortable. Hesitantly, he
takes it. Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
PERFECT 10.

JIM
Uh…dad…

Jim’s Dad is doing his best to be the good father.

JIM’S DAD
Go ahead son, there’s more.

Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. Cringes.
Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.

JIM’S DAD (cont’d)
Now, that one’s a little more…a
little more…graphic.

JIM
I know, Dad.

JIM’S DAD
Oh, okay. Here’s let me show you.

Jim’s Dad takes the bag back. Pulls out a copy of
SHAVED.

JIM’S DAD (cont’d)
This, son, is your more exotic dirty
magazine.

JIM
Dad! I know!

JIM’S DAD
Do you know about the clitoris?

JIM
(through clenched teeth)
Yes dad.

JIM’S DAD
Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
locate.

JIM
(interrupting, hand up)
Thank you, dad, I got it.

JIM’S DAD
Okay, well that about covers it.

Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.

JIM’S DAD (cont’d)
Now, let’s put these somewhere where
your mother won’t find them.

Jim’s Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open
Jim’s night table. Jim freaks.

JIM
Wait!

But it’s too late. Jim’s Dad is face-to-face with the
unraveled prophylactics. He sours.

JIM’S DAD
(beaten)
I’ll have to save this speech for
another day. I’m too worn out.

Jim’s Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – NEAR THE HALL OF FAME – DAY

Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.

KEVIN
Did you get the flowers?
(no response)
What about the poem?

She doesn’t care.

KEVIN (cont’d)
Vicky, please don’t do this.

Vicky stares him right in the eye. Strong.

VICKY
I’ll think about it.

She slams her locker and walks off. Jessica is nearby.
She’s overheard.

JESSICA
Ah, you’ll get her back soon enough.
That’s easy, she likes you. What you
need to do is learn to press a girl’s
buttons. You gotta give her what
she’s never had.

KEVIN
What?

JESSICA
I’ll give you a hint.
(hot, orgasmic)
“Ohhh, yeah, yeah!”
(flat)
Comprende?

KEVIN
You mean…and orgasm?

JESSICA
You got it, stud.

KEVIN
Well…I’m pretty sure I’ve —

JESSICA
(interrupts authoritatively)
No you haven’t.

KEVIN
But that one time —

JESSICA
(shaking head)
No.

KEVIN
Well of course I’d want to give her
that. I mean, what do you think, I
don’t care about her?

JESSICA
Do you?

KEVIN
Of course.

JESSICA
Do you love her?

Kevin squirms.

KEVIN
I — I don’t know, you can’t ask me
that.

JESSICA
Well, if you want to get her in the
sack, tell her you love her. That’s
how I was duped.

KEVIN
I don’t want to dupe her, Jessica. If
I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.

JESSICA
Well it’s up to you. The Big L, or
the Big O.

Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.

STIFLER
Dickhead! You gotta see this.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – LITTLE AUDITORIUM – MOMENT LATER

The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those
doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. “Love You Like I Do”).
Singing with the group is none other than Oz. He’s not
doing too badly, but mainly he’s checking out the various
vocal jazz girls. Smiling at them, giving suave little
waves.

Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
auditorium, listening.

JIM
This is unexpected.

STIFLER
What did you cocks do to him? Shit,
if Coach Marshall sees this, he’ll
kick Oz off the team on principle
alone.

The song finishes. Oz bounds up to the other guys.

OZ
Hey guys, you came to watch me in
action?

JIM
Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.

STIFLER
I think you need your balls
reattached.

OZ
Keep it down, dude.

STIFLER
What the fuck are you doing here?

OZ
This place is an untapped resource.
Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
girls are hot.

ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS

A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom
is HEATHER — conservative-looking, cute.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
Hey, we’ve got Conan the Barbarian
singing with us.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
Maybe he’ll crush some beer cans on
his forehead.

HEATHER
I think he’s got a nice voice.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
(ribbing her)
Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
him how to read.

Heather shakes her head. BACK TO:

STIFLER
You dipshit, you’re expecting to score
with some goody-goody choir-girl
priss?

OZ
Dude, watch me work. They go for
sensitive studs like me.

Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – COURTYARD – LATER

Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.
Kevin and Jim approach.

KEVIN
This is your plan, Finch?

FINCH
Yep.

He turns a page. Skims the articles. A beat.

KEVIN
This. Right now.

FINCH
Uh-huh.

JIM
You’re just gonna sit there and drink
your coffee?

FINCH
Mochaccino.
(then)
Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I
do need to ask for your cooperation in
one small matter.

KEVIN
Of course, Finch. What?

FINCH
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.

KEVIN
What are we gonna hear?

FINCH
You’ll see. Gotta go. Sixteen
minute round trip.

JIM
Finch, don’t you think it’s about time
you learned to take a dump at school?

FINCH
When was the last time you looked at
the facilities here?

KEVIN
Fifteen minutes ago.

Finch shudders and walks away. Kevin and Jim stand
there, dumbfounded. An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
Uh, guys? Was that Paul Finch?

KEVIN
Yeah.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
You guys have like, seen him in the
locker room, right?

KEVIN
Yeah.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
Is it true that he’s really…huge?

JIM
I have no idea. Finch showers in a
bathing suit.

KEVIN
(forced)
No — it’s true. He is…really…
big.

JIM
(loving it)
Yeah, enormous.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
Woah. Does he have a date for prom
yet.

JIM
Definitely not.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
No way!

She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.
They all seem very interested.

KEVIN
(dumbfounded)
Finch hasn’t done a damn thing, and
he’s got girls lining up already.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

KEVIN’S BROTHER (V.O.)
Say that again, Kevin?

KEVIN
Uh…I thought you might know a trick
or something. To make her, you
know…

INTERCUT WITH

INT. SUSHI BAR – DAY

Kevin’s brother is on his cell phone. A SUSHI CHEF
prepares food behind the counter.

KEVIN’S BROTHER
Orgasm?

The Sushi Chef looks up. Kevin’s Brother turns away.

KEVIN
Yeah.

SUSHI CUSTOMER
(to Kevin’s Brother)
What’s good here?

KEVIN’S BROTHER
Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

KEVIN
What?! How do I do that?

KEVIN’S BROTHER
Uh — forget that. Look, is that all
you’re interested in? Ways to get
your girlfriend into bed?

KEVIN
Well, no. I think…I guess it would
be good to be able to return the
favor. I mean, it would be nice to
know she enjoys things as much as I
do.

KEVIN’S BROTHER
That’s good, that’s what I needed to
hear. Now you qualify.

KEVIN
Qualify for what?

KEVIN’S BROTHER
You’ve just inherited The Bible.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BACK OF LIBRARY – DAY

Kevin is walking through the “Religion” Section. He
carefully looks about, making sure nobody’s watching.

KEVIN’S BROTHER (V.O.)
It originally started as a sex manual,
this book that some guys brought back
from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
What to do with your tongue, things
like that. And each year, it got
passed on to one East student who was
worthy of it.

Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
bibles on the bottom shelf.

KEVIN’S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont’d)
After a couple years, guys started
adding their own techniques. Things
they figured out themselves.

Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom
shelf. Pulls out a pocket knife. Flips up the bottom of
the shelf. Slides it out.

KEVIN’S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont’d)
You have to keep it a secret, and
return it at the end of the year. So,
now you know. Good luck.

There, a bit dusty, is an old book. Many extra pages of
notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking
the binding. The original title is now obscured — over
it, someone has written “The Bible.”

Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue? It’s
like that right now.

Kevin carefully pulls it out. Reverently flips through
it. Full of details. Explicit diagrams. Anecdotes.
And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the
date it was added.

Kevin reaches the last page. It’s blank. He lightly
runs his hand down the empty page.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his
shoulder.

JIM
(yells)
Mom?! I’m home!

No response. Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a
fresh-baked pie on the counter. Next to it is a note:
“Jimmy – Apple, your favorite. I’ll be home late.
Enjoy! Love Mom.”

Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma. Then stops…as
a quizzical look spreads across his face.

After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the
pie. Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.

Then Jim becomes more curious. We can see the gears in
his head start to turn. He looks down at the pie like
it’s… well, not a pie.

EXT. JIM’S HOUSE – DAY

Jim’s dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – CONTINUING

Jim’s dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.
His face drops, appalled.

JIM’S DAD
Jim?

JIM
It’s not what it looks like!

CUT TO:

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at
the table. Jim stares into his lap, humiliated. Jim’s
dad is crushed. You’ve never seen such disappointment…
but he’s trying to keep his chin up for Jim’s sake.

In the middle of the table is the pie. It’s decimated.
Mushed up, ruined…violated.

JIM’S DAD
(fighting back tears)
I guess…we’ll just tell your
mother…that we ate it all.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Late. Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book — the
Bible.

If all students studied the way Kevin’s studying this
book, we’d have a nation of geniuses. He’s scrutinizing
it. Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to
decipher cave paintings.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – LITTLE AUDITORIUM – DAY

The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song. Oz is singing
along, really making it look like he’s into it. He
closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm. As
the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his
shtick — a little, heartfelt vocal “scat” to tag the
number. The thing is, it actually sounds really good.

Oz opens his eyes…to see the whole group — especially
the girls — looking at him, somewhat awed.

The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.

CHOIR TEACHER
What the hell was that?

OZ
Sorry.

CHOIR TEACHER
No, it was good.

OZ
Oh, well…
(noticing Heather looking at
him, he acts “sensitive”)
It came from the heart.

CHOIR TEACHER
Well then keep it coming.
(to everyone)
Alright, people, good work! Keep it
up and we’ll do great at the state
competition.

Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.

HEATHER
Not bad, Chris.

OZ
(surprised himself)
Really? Hey, thanks — Heather,
right?

HEATHER
Yeah…so…you’ve got this sort of…
Bobby McFerrin thing going there.

OZ
(no idea)
Yeah. Right, uh-huh.
(then, back into it)
I feel like I’ve discovered this whole
new side of me. Music is so
expressive.

HEATHER
(amused)
Okay.
(then)
I mean, I agree, but…aren’t you
supposed to be out, like, trying to
decapitate someone with your lacrosse
stick or something?

Oz “gets serious” at this.

OZ
Oh sure. I know what people think.
It’s like, Oz, he’s just this kickass
lacrosse player — I also play
football, by the way — But that’s
like…not all that I am.

HEATHER
Of course, I didn’t —

OZ
(cutting her off)
I mean it really bothers me when
people try to pigeonhole me like that.

HEATHER
(sparking to this)
You? You think I don’t get that?
God, it’s like just because I don’t
get drunk and barf every weekend,
people say “Oh, here’s this goody-two-
shoes choir-girl priss.”

Of course, this is what Stifler said about her. And for
a moment, this catches Oz off guard.

OZ
Yeah…so like, what else do you do?

HEATHER
(offended)
Well the same things you do. Hang out
with friends and stuff, you know,
whatever.
(then)
What do you think I do?

OZ
(genuine)
I just — realized that I didn’t know
anything about you. I was interested.

HEATHER
Oh…well that’s okay. Cool.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – DAY

Kevin is walking home with Vicky. He’s a couple paces
behind her, almost tagging along.

KEVIN
I was being selfish. And majorly
insensitive. And I’m a total idiot.

VICKY
I think “shithead” really says it.

KEVIN
Yes! I’m a shithead! I’m a complete
and total shithead!

She cracks a little smile.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
And I want to try to make it up to
you.

VICKY
How?

Vicky stops walking. Looks at Kevin.

EXT. VICKY’S HOUSE – DAY

Vicky’s perfect suburban home…as we hear VICKY MOANING
IN ECSTASY.

VICKY (V.O.)
Oh…ungghhhhh!

KEVIN (V.O.)
Shhhh. Your parents are downstairs.

INT. VICKY’S BEDROOM – DAY

Tight on Vicky’s face, in sexual bliss, writhing.

VICKY
Oh Kevin — don’t stop!

KEVIN
Just a second!

We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor. Vicky’s legs
are to both sides of him — he’s ducking down, consulting
the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed. It’s open to
a page titled “The Tongue Tornado.”

Kevin resumes, out of frame. Vicky goes nuts.

VICKY (cont’d)
(a little too loudly)
Oh, God!

Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow. She squeezes it over
her face, moaning into it.

VICKY (cont’d)
Moly shmmmt! Fmmkkkk!

Noticing that Vicky now can’t see him, Kevin cautiously
pulls out The Bible from under the bed. Sets it next to
her. He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and
back again.

INT. VICKY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

VICKY’S MOM is straining some pasta. On the fridge, we
see a collage in tribute to Vicky — her senior portrait,
National Honor Society certificate, a report card.

VICKY’S MOM
(yells to Vicky’s Dad)
Hon? Can you tell Vick to come on
down for supper?

VICKY’S DAD is at the table reading the paper. He gets
up with a GRUNT.

INT. VICKY’S BEDROOM – DAY

Vicky can barely control herself. She SCREAMS into the
pillow.

KEVIN
Vicky, shhh, you know there’s no lock
on your door.

INT. VICKY’S HOUSE – STAIRWELL – DAY

Vicky’s dad is trudging up the stairs.

INT. VICKY’S BEDROOM – DAY

Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy. Groans. Kevin
keeps referencing The Bible. Whatever he’s doing, it’s
working.

INT. VICKY’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – DAY

Vicky’s dad approaches the bedroom door.

INT. VICKY’S BEDROOM – DAY

Vicky is about to explode. She pulls the pillow off her
face, gasping.

INT. VICKY’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – DAY

Vicky’s dad reaches for the doorknob.

VICKY (O.S.)
I’M COMING!

Vicky’s dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back
downstairs.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – NIGHT

Jim’s door opens…he winces…REVERSE to see Jim’s dad
looking at the family portrait of Jim’s family in the
hallway outside Jim’s room, his back turned to Jim’s
door.

JIM
Hey, dad. Did you knock?

Jim’s dad continues to study the picture. A beat. Then
he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.

JIM’S DAD
Oh, Jim! I’m looking at the ol’
family portrait, here. Yep. It’s a
good one.

Jim can only shrugs in response. He goes into the hall
and looks at the portrait. A beat.

JIM’S DAD (CONT’D)
Son, I wanted to talk to you about
what I think you were trying to do the
other day.

Jim’s face drops, seeing his death unfold.

JIM’S DAD (CONT’D)
(continuing with his prepared
speech)
Now, you may have tried it in the
shower, or maybe in bed at night, and
not even known what you were doing.
Or perhaps you’ve heard your friends
talking about it in the locker room.

Jim’s eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.

JIM
Dad, please stop. Please. I’m sure I
know what you’re talking about.

JIM’S DAD
Sure you know, son, but I think you’ve
been having a little problem with it.
It’s okay, though. What you’re doing
is perfectly normal. It’s like
practice. Like when you play tennis
against a wall. Some day, there’ll be
a partner returning the ball.
(a beat)
You do want a partner, don’t you son?

JIM
(through clenched teeth)
Yes.

JIM’S DAD
That’s great. Now remember, it’s okay
to play with yourself. Or, as I
always called it —
(elbows Jim)
“Stroke the salami!”
(chuckles)
Ho-ho, Jim. There’s nothing to be
ashamed of. Hell, I’m fifty-two, and
I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle
Mort masturbates. We all masturbate.

Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble
back into his room. He SMACKS the doorframe. Keeps
going, slamming the door behind him. A beat.

JIM’S DAD (cont’d)
Poor guy thought he was the only one.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY

The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field.
East Great Falls is battling Central. It’s a rough game,
muddy, brutal. We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing
very tough.

On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up. She’s
watching the game — and is impressed as she watches Oz’s
agility and domination. Oz runs up the field, cradling
the ball in his stick. A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to
check him. Heather cringes with each impact, and is then
excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.

Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL. Heather
CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate
each other.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY

After the game. Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the
sidelines. He’s about to run over when COACH MARSHALL
snags him —

COACH MARSHALL
Good work, Ostreicher.

OZ
Thanks coach.

COACH MARSHALL
You’re a killer, Ozzy!

OZ
(trying to get away)
— Thanks, coach —

FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in
mud.

OZ
Hey, what’re you doing here?

HEATHER
Just enjoying my exhilarating first
lacrosse experience. You like,
“kicked butt.”

A clod of mud falls from Oz’s uniform onto Heather’s
skirt.

OZ
(brushing it off her skirt)
Whoops, excuse me…

Oz wipes the mud from his hands. A beat. Heather has
something to say that’s not quite coming out.

HEATHER
Um…Chris —

OZ
You can call me Oz.

HEATHER
Do I have to?

OZ
You can call me Ostreicher.

HEATHER
What’s your middle name?

OZ
Forget it.

HEATHER
Come on! I won’t tell.

OZ
Neither will I.

HEATHER
Okay.
(pause)
So I had this…thought, and…this
may seem like it’s out of left field,
and I don’t know if you can, but since
I’m not going with anyone —

Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and
excited.

STIFLER
Hah! Central sucks!
(noticing Heather)
Choir Chick? What the hell are you
doing here?

HEATHER
Well, I uh, I was —
(decides to stand her ground)
I was asking Chris to prom.
(turns to Oz)
So do you wanna go?

Oz is surprised at her directness. Impressed.

OZ
Yeah!

STIFLER
Well, just don’t expect Oz to pay for
the limo.

OZ
Stifler, fuck —
(noticing Heather, “sensitive”)
…man, you don’t have to be so
insensitive.

A beat.

STIFLER
What??
(he dismisses it)
Whatever — look uh, don’t forget —
my cottage after prom. On Lake
Michigan.

Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.

OZ
Alright, cool. I gotta hit the
showers, but…I think this’ll be
really good.

HEATHER
Yeah, me too, okay, cool.

They share a smile. Then Heather walks off towards her
car. Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse
guys.

STIFLER
My man Oz, working it with the choir
babes?

LACROSSE BUDDIES
(cheering, slapping him)
Yeah, go Oz! etc.

Oz laughs, embarrassed.

OZ
(pandering to them)
Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig
those cute little sweaters she wears.

STIFLER
I’ll bet you do, you little horndog,
she’s givin’ you fuckin’ stiffies,
right?

Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank-
Me-And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.

STIFLER (CONT’D)
Yeah! Sing for me! yes!

The other guys LAUGH. Oz joins in, laughing in spite of
himself. They all high-five.

And from the other side of the field, we see Heather
peering over at them. Hardly believing it as Oz joins in
the laughter.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – CLASSROOM – DAY

English class. The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.

TEACHER
So once Hal becomes king, he has to
take on the responsibilities of
leadership, and turn his back on his
old, drunken friend, Falstaff. You
see, Hal was going through a rite of
passage, much like you all are. Make
the most of the time you’ve got left
together. You’ll miss it later.

Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in
one corner.

OZ
So does your tongue cramp up?

KEVIN
Nah, you get kind of dizzy though.

JIM
Wow, that’s amazing, she’s probably
gonna want to do it soon.

Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS. Sherman passes by.

SHERMAN
Still questing after the holy grail,
eh guys?

He CHUCKLES and exits. The guys stand up, exiting the
classroom.

JIM
Hey, where’s Finch?

KEVIN
Went home to shit.

JIM
I don’t get it. How does a guy like
that get this sudden reputation?

OZ
What reputation?

KEVIN
Observe.

He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.

KEVIN (cont’d)
Excuse me. Do you know who Paul
Finch is?

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Of course! Have you guys seen his
tattoo?

KEVIN
…Yes?

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Is it cool? I heard it was like an
eagle, blazing in fire and stuff.

JIM
(nods, loving it)
Actually, it’s an eagle and this big
python.

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Really?!

JIM
Yeah, see it’s on his stomach, here,
and the eagle — the eagle is actually
grasping the python in its talons, so
the snake is like his —

KEVIN
(interrupting)
That’s good, Jim.

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Woah, no way! That guy is so cool!

She hurries off to tell her friends. The guys exit the
classroom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – SENIOR HIGH LOCKERS – CONTINUING

OZ
Okay, explain.

KEVIN
I can’t, I have no idea how he’s doing
it. And that leaves you trailing,
Jim. You gotta get your act together.

JIM
(a little aggravated)
Yeah, I know. I’m working on it.

Jim turns around — to find Nadia is standing right in
front of him. Jim says nothing. Stuck. Staring. Oz
elbows him. Jim gives a startled GRUNT.

NADIA
You are very good in the world history
class, yes?

JIM
(gulps)
Me?

Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him
encouraging looks and gestures.

JIM (CONT’D)
(trying to decipher the guys’
signals)
Yes. No. Yes.

NADIA
Perhaps you can help me with my
studies?

The guys nod, “Yes! Yes!”

JIM
Okay…that would be cool sometime.
(sees the guys gesticulating)
How ‘bout tomorrow?

NADIA
Well, I do have ballet practice.
Perhaps I can come by your house
afterwards. I can change clothes at
your place?

JIM
(barely, overwhelmed)
I suppose that would be okay.

Nadia walks off. Jim collapses into Oz’s and Kevin’s
arms, like a marathon runner at the end of a race. They
pat him heartily in congratulations.

EXT. RAST GREAT FALLS – SIDE OF SCHOOL – DAY

After school. Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new
Saab.

OZ
Nice car.

HEATHER
I’m glad you think so.

OZ
You don’t like it?

HEATHER
No, I like the car.
(then, direct)
By the way, though, about prom? That
was like a bad idea. Sorry I invited
you.

She hastily walks towards the school.

OZ
What?!

HEATHER
Oh, please. I asked you because I
thought you might actually be worth
going with. But you are just a jock.
No wait. You’re a jerk.

OZ
What? No I’m not.

HEATHER
I saw you making fun of me with your
lacrosse buddies.

OZ
I wasn’t making fun of you.

HEATHER
Give me a break, you’re so full of it.

She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the
school. After a moment, he slowly heads in.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – LITTLE AUDITORIUM – LATER

Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite
ends of the room. It’s a pop, contemporary arrangement
of “HOW SWEET IT IS.” It sounds jazzy, cool.

Oz looks dazed, like the wind’s taken out of him. He
sings along, distant. Heather, almost defiantly, sings
clearer and better than ever. Oz watches her, though she
never looks his way. At the bride of the song, Heather
breaks into a solo. She sings beautifully. Oz is
hooked.

The Choir Teacher halts the song.

CHOIR TEACHER
Okay, Heather, that was good, but I
want to thicken up that solo.
Michigan State is this Saturday, and I
want that part to smoke.

HEATHER
I know, my timing’s off.

CHOIR TEACHER
A little, but I think it’ll work
better as a duet. With a tenor part.

OZ
(interrupting)
I’ll do it.

A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather
looks indifferent.

OZ (CONT’D)
I’ll do it.

CHOIR TEACHER
Okay then. The rest of you okay with
that?

The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with
skepticism.

CHOIR TEACHER (CONT’D)
Great. See you tomorrow.

The group starts packing up.

HEATHER
(annoyed)
Why are you doing this?

OZ
Because I want to.

HEATHER
Yeah? Well you can’t fake your way
through this. You better practice.

She leaves.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS – LIBRARY – DAY

Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.

STIFLER
Fuck me! You’re gonna have a naked
Eastern-European chick in your house,
and you’re telling me you’re not gonna
take advantage of that?

JIM
What am I gonna do, broadcast her over
the internet?

OZ
You can do that?

JIM
(off their looks)
Oh — no way. I can’t do that to her.

STIFLER
Dammit, Jim, get some fucking balls.
If you don’t have the guts to
photograph a naked chick in your room,
how are you ever gonna sleep with one?
Now all you gotta do is set up some
sort of private link or whatever on
the net, and tell me the address.

The guys ponder this.

KEVIN
You can send me the address too.

JIM
Well…dammit, if I’m doing this, how
the hell am I gonna watch?

KEVIN
I’ll save you a seat.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor.
The computer BINGS.

COMPUTER VOICE
“You have established an internet
connection.”

Jim sits. Types a quick E-mail. It reads: “OH YEAH!
128.220.27.102/tempt/NadiaVision. ENJOY!”

Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses.
Highlights a listing. Clicks “Send.”

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer. Kevin is
unloading beer and chips from a grocery bag.

We see an image of Jim’s bedroom on the computer screen.
It’s a little strobed, but easily watchable. Suddenly
Jim’s face pops into frame. He’s adjusting the camera.

KEVIN
There we go.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

We see the same image on Jim’s screen. Jim turns off
just the monitor. It looks like the computer is off —
the ruse is undetectable.

Jim’s dad enters with Nadia. She’s in sweats and a
leotard, carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder. Jim’s
dad is delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.

JIM’S DAD
Son. This lady’s here for you.

JIM
(like it’s no big deal)
I know. Hey Nadia.

NADIA
Hello James. Ready to study.

JIM’S DAD
Oh, you bet he is. Jim’s quite the
bookworm.

JIM
Dad.

JIM’S DAD
Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm.
He’s a good little kid. Er, guy.
Man.

JIM
Dad!!

JIM’S DAD
Okay, okay. I’ll let you hit those
books.

Jim’s dad gives a knowing look and exits.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BROTHER’S BEDROOM – SAME TIME

STIFLER’S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at
Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim’s room.

STIFLER’S BROTHER
Steve! Steve! It’s my computer and I
wanna use it!

STIFLER
Shut up and watch this, you might
learn something.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

JIM
So you need to change, right?

NADIA
Do you mind? This fabric is so
uncomfortable.

She sets her duffel on Jim’s bed.

JIM
No, go right ahead and get dressed.
I’ll just be downstairs, studying up.
Get me when you’re ready.

Jim exits, closing the door behind him.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY – SAME TIME

KEVIN
Here we go.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – CONTINUING

He’s off! Jim sprints down the hall. Thunders down the
stairs.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – CONTINUING

Jim’s Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs. Jim bolts
through the room.

JIM
Be back in a sec!

He practically crashes through the door on his way out.

JIM’S MOM
Jim? Honey, where are you going?

She turns and looks at her husband. Both perplexed.

EXT. STREET – CONTINUING

Jim runs like hell.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – SAME TIME

Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.

EXT. KEVIN’S HOUSE – CONTINUING

Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.

KEVIN
Want a beer?

Finch simply waves off the question. He’s glued to the
screen.

Jim bursts into the room, breathless.

JIM
Did I miss anything?!

KEVIN
Just in time.

Jim grabs a seat by the computer. All three guys watch,
transfixed. Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.

JIM
Woah!

Nadia’s leotard is off. Bra and panties. Outstanding
body.

INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM’S BEDROOM and the guys around the
computer screen in Kevin’s Bedroom.

Nadia pauses. Looks in Jim’s full-length mirror.
Admiring her body.

KEVIN
Oh, man! This is incredible.

And…yes! Nadia peels off her sportsbra. Supple
breasts. The guys are awestruck.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
I can’t believe Oz had to work.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – LITTLE AUDITORIUM – DAY

Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area. He
sighs, leafing through some sheet music. It’s as quiet
and boring as can be.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BROTHER’S BEDROOM – SAME TIME

Stifler and his brother are awestruck.

STIFLER’S BROTHER
This is like the coolest thing I’ve
ever seen.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY – CONTINUING

JIM
Oh, thank you Lord, for this wonderful
day.

Nadia still primps in the mirror. Then she looks around.
Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim’s
night table.

JIM (cont’d)
Hey! You can’t touch my stuff!

Nadia opens the night table. Stops. Jim flushes. Nadia
delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.

JIM (cont’d)
Oh no no no.

She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.

KEVIN
Nice collection there, Jim.

Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE. Starts thumbing through it.
She sits on Jim’s bed. Lingering on some pages. Getting
aroused.

JIM
Dear God — she’s — she’s — she’s —

Welcome to every man’s fantasy. Nadia’s hand wanders
into her panties.

JIM (cont’d)
Gentlemen, I’d like to make an
announcement. There is a gorgeous
woman masturbating on my bed.

The guys watch, completely blown away. Nadia’s lost
herself.

KEVIN
You know, Jim…you could go back
there…and…

FINCH
(nodding)
Seduce her.

JIM
But, but — what would I do?

KEVIN
Anything! Just tell her it looks like
she needs an extra hand or something.

JIM
That’s stupid.

KEVIN
No, you’re stupid. Get going! Right
now! She’s primed!

JIM
Oh…oh…oh, shit!

He BOLTS across the room.

EXT. KEVIN’S HOUSE – DAY

Jim sprints across the lawn.

EXT. STREET – DAY – CONTINUING

Jim leaps over a row of bushes. Wipes out. Gets up and
keeps running.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – DAY – CONTINUING

Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered
parents.

JIM
Hey mom hey dad!

He rushes up the stairs. Jim’s Dad looks hopeful.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – CONTINUING

Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath. He can
hear FAINT MOANING from inside. He’s hesitating.

JIM
Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY – SAME TIME

KEVIN
Come on, Jim. Where are you?

The PHONE RINGS. Kevin answers.

KEVIN (cont’d)
(into phone)
Hello? Hey Sherman…what?! How did
you know?

INT. SHERMAN’S HOUSE – CONTINUING

Sherman sits in front of a computer.

SHERMAN
(into phone)
Jim must’ve addressed that E-mail
wrong. It went out to every mailbox
in the East High directory. God, how
juvenile.

INT. COMPUTER NERD’S BEDROOM – DAY – SAME TIME

A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer. Watching
NadiaVision. Mouth open. Braces shining.

INT. BASEMENT – DAY – SAME TIME

A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page. A LITTLE MONKEY
hops around in a cage.

STONER #1
Whoa.

STONER #2
Kind.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – CONTINUING

Jim still waits outside his bedroom door. Takes a deep
breath. Looks upwards to the sky.

JIM
Please, God. Let this be it.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

KEVIN
He’s going in!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM – DAY

We see a bedroom full of GUYS.

GUY #1
There’s somebody going in there!

INT. BASEMENT – DAY – SAME TIME

STONER #1
Hey, that guy’s in my trig class.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim stands there, bewildered. Nadia hasn’t noticed him,
eyes closed, still pleasuring herself. Jim stands there,
watching, faltering. Gathers his courage. Finally, he
rolls his eyes and says —

JIM
Looks like you could use an extra
hand.

Nadia’s eyes flash open.

NADIA
(chastising)
James! You have come in here on
purpose?!

JIM
Well…uh…

NADIA
Shame on you!

JIM
Uh…yeah…sorry.

NADIA
Well. You have seen me. Now it is my
turn to see you. Strip.

JIM
Strip?

NADIA
Yes, slowly.

Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.

JIM
You mean like, strip strip?

NADIA
(irresistably sexy)
For me?

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY – SAME TIME

FINCH
What do you suppose they’re saying?

KEVIN
No idea.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY – CONTINUING

Nadia leans over to Jim’s clock radio. Turns it on. We
hear COUNTRY MUSIC. She flips the dial, and we hear A
FEW STATIONS FLIP BY. Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.

NADIA
Perfect.

She turns to Jim.

JIM
Uh…

NADIA
Move with the music.

JIM
Um…okay…

He struts clumsily back and forth. Takes his shirt off.
Swings it in a circle around his head…and lets go of
it, aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.

NADIA
No, no, you must put your whole body
into it.

JIM
Nadia, I can’t —

NADIA
Can’t what? Do you not want to be
with me? I wish to be entertained,
James.

Jim nods eagerly. Concentrates on the music…as we see
the shirt slide off the camera. Jim starts writhing to
the beat. Like a hyperactive chicken.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BROTHER’S BEDROOM – CONTINUING

STIFLER
What the fuck is this?

INT. SHERMAN’S BEDROOM – CONTINUING

SHERMAN
The horror, the horror.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY – CONTINUING

Jim is into it now. Possibly the worst dancer in the
world. No rhythm. No soul.

INT. BASEMENT – DAY – SAME TIME

STONER #2
God, what a buzzkill.

INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM – SAME TIME

A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.

GIRL IN BEDROOM
Work it, baby!

The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY – CONTINUING

Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.

NADIA
(turned on)
More sexy, Jim, more sexy.

Jim is clearly excited by Nadia’s prodding. He does some
pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them
around his chest and neck.

INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM – CONTINUING

A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.

DISINTERESTED GIRL
He’s no Paul Finch.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY – SAME TIME

Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.

FINCH
This is truly revolting.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY – CONTINUING

Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair
back, in his boxers and shorts.

NADIA
(getting really turned on)
More, more, you bad boy!

Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM – DAY – SAME TIME

The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to
the computer.

GUY #1
Ugh…God…

INT. JIM’S COMPUTER – DAY – CONTINUING

NADIA
Now! Hames, come to me.

JIM
Oh yeah!

Jim dances over to her. She pulls him onto the bed.
Kisses his neck. Takes his hand. Places it on her
thigh.

NADIA
Be gentle.

Jim GULPS.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

KEVIN
Ho-lee shit.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BROTHER’S BEDROOM – DAY – SAME TIME

STIFLER
This just got a hell of a lot better.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim’s hand wanders up Nadia’s leg. She does the same to
him. Blows in his ear. Her hand is about to enter his
shorts.

And Jim is done. Bang. That’s it.

He looks down at himself in terror. Nadia sees. Backs
away.

NADIA
Jim…

JIM
Oh no.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

KEVIN
Oh no.

INT. BASEMENT – DAY – SAME TIME

The stoners look…well, stoned.

STONER #1
Bummer.

INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM – SAME TIME

The girls are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

INT. STIFLER’S HOUSE – BROTHER’S BEDROOM – DAY

STIFLER’S BROTHER
What happened?! What happened?!

STIFLER
He blew it. Literally.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Nadia is getting dressed.

NADIA
You are done, James. Perhaps I should
be going now.

JIM
No, no, I’m not done! I’ve got
reserves! Nadia, please please
please. I’m begging you.

She sees the desperation in his eyes. Thinks about it.
Smiles.

NADIA
I do like your dirty magazines.

Jim digs into the stack of pornos. Grabs SHAVED.

JIM
Did you see this? This is your more
exotic dirty magazine.

NADIA
Yes…James, it is knowing that these
beautiful women arouse you that
arouses me…

JIM
Oh yes. Very arousing women. They
arouse me very much. But not as
arousing as you.

She goes for this line. Gives in.

NADIA
Oh Jim…

She grabs him. Starts caressing his body.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

KEVIN/FINCH
Yes!!

INT. BASEMENT – DAY – SAME TIME

STONER #1
Alright, dude!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM – DAY

GUY #1
He’s re-engaging!

A CHEER goes up as the guys CELEBRATE.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Groping. They’re tangled in each other. Nadia backs off
for a moment. Slowly, teasing, she hooks her thumbs in
the sides of her panties. Starts sliding them down.

NADIA
So, “shaved” is the expression?

CLOSE UP on Jim as his eyes bug out. Yep, it is, and she
is.

JIM
(mutters)
Holy shit.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

KEVIN
Holy shit!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM – DAY

ALL THE GUYS
(unison)
HOLY SHIT!

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim is stuck. Staring at Nadia. She moves towards him.
Nadia is inches from his face.

NADIA
Touch me Jim…here.

Jim is trembling, straining with himself. A shudder runs
through him.

And it’s over, again.

INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM – CONTINUING

The girls are LAUGHING again.

GIRLS
Again?

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

KEVIN
Not again.

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

JIM
No, not again.

NADIA
(sighs)
I am sorry, Jim. I suppose we will
not be doing any studying now.

JIM
No! I’ve got…reserve reserves!

Nadia starts getting dressed. Jim is whimpering.

NADIA
It is too bad. I was at first hoping
you would ask me to the prom. But…

She gathers her things. Eyes Jim over.

NADIA (cont’d)
You should change your shorts.

JIM
…okay.

Jim is stunned. Ruined. Nadia exits. CLOSE on Jim’s
tormented face as we hear…

COMPUTER VOICE
“You have lost your internet
connection. Click ‘okay’ to
reconnect.”

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – COURTYARD – DAY

Jim is walking through the courtyard, a bit dazed. A
COUPLE GIRLS pass by him, giggling. He trudges
along…noticing a CLIQUE OF GIRLS staring at him as he
passes by…and Stoner #1 giving him a peace sign…and
the Computer Nerd staring at him like a celebrity……
Jim’s pace slows. He hears a SNICKER behind him…he
slows even more, taking very careful steps…as he sees a
GIRL doing a really strange dance — and his eyes pop out
as he sees that, yes, it’s his dance. He stops. ALMOST
EVERYONE is staring at him. Jim pulls his coat up over
his face and hurries off into the school, like a fugitive
avoiding the media. People APPLAUD and LAUGH.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – MAIN HALLWAY – DAY

Kevin and Oz catch up to Jim. Here and there, people
still give Jim funny looks.

KEVIN
Hey, minuteman.

JIM
Shut up. You’re supposed to be
supportive.

OZ
You’ve still got a chance with Nadia,
right?

JIM
No. Her sponsors here saw the thing
on the net. I don’t think they liked
it.

KEVIN
How do you know that?

JIM
She’s already on a plane back home.

Kevin winces.

JIM (cont’d)
You know, maybe I’m just not good with
girls, period. Like I was born
without that part of the brain. I
mean, I can’t talk to girls. And when
I do talk to them, I screw it up.

KEVIN
Yeah? Well come prom night, those
excuses aren’t going to do you much
good.

JIM
Jesus, Kevin, rub it in.

A nearby OLD JANITOR starts GUFFAWING at Jim as he walks
by.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – CLASSROOM – DAY

Jim sits, waiting for class to start. Miserable. Some
students are obviously talking about him in the
background. Others study and chat.

Next to Jim is Michelle — the reject, band dork that
we’ve seen earlier. She’s got a flute case on her desk.
She’s blabbering to Jim. The kind of blabbering where
every other sentence sounds like a question, even though
it isn’t.

MICHELLE
And so, one time? I was at band camp?
And we weren’t supposed to have pillow
fights? But we had a pillow fight!
And it was so much fun!

Jim couldn’t care.

MICHELLE (cont’d)
And one time, we all lost our music?
And we were supposed to play this
song? But we didn’t know it. So we
just made it up! And we kept playing
and playing but the conductor didn’t
know what we were doing and it was so
funny!

Jim looks wistfully over at Nadia’s empty desk.

MICHELLE (cont’d)
So you’re pissed about something, huh?
You know what I do when I’m angry? I
just play some Bach on my flute. It’s
so relaxing. I learned to do that at
band camp.

Jim perks up the slightest bit.

JIM
Hold on. You have no idea why I’m
angry?

MICHELLE
Is it because we have a test tomorrow?
Sometimes I get cranky when I know I
have a big test to study for.

JIM
Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

MICHELLE
I thought so. Because, one time? I
was at this —

JIM
(interrupting)
What was your name again?

MICHELLE
Michelle.

JIM
Okay. Michelle, do you want to be my
date for the prom?

MICHELLE
Really? You seriously want to go with
me?

JIM
(so forced)
Yes. Seriously.

MICHELLE
Are we going to Steve Stifler’s party
afterwards? That would be so cool.

JIM
Whatever you want.

MICHELLE
Cool! We’re gonna have so much fun!
It’s like this one time, at band
camp…

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – HALLWAY – A LITTLE LATER

Heather is walking down the hall. She turns to go into
the Little Auditorium — and through the window in the
door she sees Oz. She stops.

Oz is singing, working through the solo. Determined to
get it right. He bounces his lacrosse ball off the
floor, in rhythm, keeping time. There’s one point that
he keeps getting stuck at and going back over. Heather
watches this, softening as she sees that Oz is actually
putting his heart into it. Finally he’s frustrated —

OZ
Dammit!

He whips the lacrosse ball at the wall. Heather recoils,
still watching, unseen by Oz. After a moment, Oz cools
off. He gets the ball, and diligently starts up again.
Heather is impressed.

INT. VICKY’S BEDROOM – DAY

Vicky is doing calculus homework, as Kevin looks on,
rubbing her shoulders.

KEVIN
You’re not doing the extra credit
problems.

VICKY
No, I’m not. I’m writing a sequence
of random numbers that look like I’m
doing the extra credit problems. Mr.
Bender doesn’t bother to check
homework past April.

KEVIN
That’s my trick!

VICKY
It’s everyone’s trick, Kevin.
(she turns to him)
But I did pick it up from you.

She gives him a little kiss on his hand, continuing with
her work. Kevin keeps rubbing her back, more serious.

KEVIN
We’ve come a long way since
Homecoming.

VICKY
(playful)
Yeah, we have. You corrupted my four-
point into a three-nine-five.

KEVIN
Indeed I did. But, our relationship.
It’s progressed a lot. It’s time for
us to…express ourselves in new ways.

Vicky stops working and turns, sitting up on the desk,
facing him. Her mood has shifted, more romantic.

VICKY
Like how?

KEVIN
Well, I feel that…things are getting
to that point in a relationship.
When two people share…a special
moment between them.

VICKY
I think you’re so right, Kevin.

KEVIN
(pause)
You want to do it?

VICKY
Yes —

She takes his hand. Readies herself, and declares.

VICKY (CONT’D)
I love you.

Kevin falters. This is definitely not what he was
expecting. He’s caught. Trying to formulate a response.

VICKY (CONT’D)
Kevin? Do you not love me?

KEVIN
No, I don’t not love you. I like, I
know that we’ve definitely got
something between us. Something good.
Something special.

VICKY
But you don’t love me.

KEVIN
I didn’t say that. I mean, love, it’s
like a term that gets thrown around.
People say things, they get married,
have kids, and then what? It’s like
they call it off, going “I was wrong.”

A beat. Vicky seems to know where he’s coming from.

VICKY
Kevin…you’re not your dad. The two
of us, we’re not your parents.

KEVIN
I know, Vick. I’m just not ready yet,
okay?

VICKY
Okay.

INT. SUBWAY – NIGHT

Oz is closing up the store. He looks up to see Heather
at the door. Oz goes and opens it, surprised,
embarrassed. The air is awkward between them.

HEATHER
Hi…

OZ
How did you know I was here?

HEATHER
Stifler told me.

OZ
You talked to Stifler?

HEATHER
Well…I needed to find you. We are
gonna have to practice that song.

OZ
…okay. Cool then. I’m um, I’m glad
you came by. I mean, really.

She smiles. Oz lets her in.

HEATHER
So you like, work nights?

An uncomfortable moment for Oz.

OZ
Uh…my dad’s the manager.

HEATHER
Really? Cool. Tell him his subs are
great.

OZ
Ah, he’s always too heavy on the
vinegar. If you really want a good
one, you gotta let me make it.

INT. SUBWAY – NIGHT – MOMENTS LATER

Oz is behind the counter. Heather walks down the other
side as Oz assembles a sub.

OZ
My dad’s always here running the
store, busy and stuff…and I fill in
once a week so he can get a night off.

HEATHER
(pause)
That’s nice.

OZ
(shrugs)
So you’re going to Michigan?

HEATHER
Yeah, well my parents wanted me to go
to Northwestern. I didn’t want to
write all those extra essays they make
you do — I mean, how am I supposed to
know what my “most emotionally
significant moment” was? So when my U
of M acceptance came in December, I
said the hell with it.

OZ
Onions?

HEATHER
What?

OZ
You want onions?

HEATHER
Oh, yeah. So what’re you gonna major
in?

OZ
Well, State’s got a good business
school. And I can probably walk onto
the lacrosse team. Green peppers?

HEATHER
Yeah. So wow, you’ve got it figured
out.

OZ
(dismissive)
Well, I mean, business is okay, and
lacrosse is awesome, but what am I
gonna be, a pro lacrosse player? I
really have no idea.

HEATHER
Oh thank God, I thought I was the only
one.

OZ
Well, you’re not. Oil and vinegar?

HEATHER
Yeah. You know, people are always
like, “What’re you gonna major in?”
And I don’t know. And they’re like,
“You’ll figure it out.” Yeah? When?

OZ
I know. Salt and pepper?

HEATHER
Sure.

Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a
tray.

HEATHER (CONT’D)
So we’re gonna be close next year?

OZ
You — oh, you mean — yeah, East
Lansing and Ann Arbor.

HEATHER
(smiles)
…yeah.

A beat…a little uncomfortable, but nice.

OZ
Wanna swap your chips for cookies?

EXT. SUBWAY – NIGHT – LATER

The remains of a couple subs are on a table. Oz and
Heather are doing their song…it’s rough, but they’re
working through it. And when they’re in sync, they sound
really good together. We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing
into the night.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – MURAL STAIRCASE – DAY

A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
I’m sorry, I really can’t go with
you…I’m holding out for someone
else.

STIFLER
You gotta be fucking kidding.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
I know it’s a long shot, but I figure
Paul Finch might ask me.

STIFLER
FINCH? SHITBREAK?!!

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
Oh gosh, I forgot — you uh, you look
okay…I mean you can’t even tell…

Flustered, she heads down the stairs. Stifler, entirely
confused, heads off into the second floor. As the Girl
Holding Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with
her.

KEVIN
Hey…what was that all about?

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
He’s still embarrassed because Finch
kicked his ass. Knocked out a tooth,
but you can’t see it.

KEVIN
Right, and who told you that?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – COURTYARD – DAY

Kevin is talking to GRETA. She points offscreen.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – LIBRARY – DAY

Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK. Taking notes.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – OUTDOOR MURAL – DAY

Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL. We see that his
notepad is a spiderweb of girl’s names, all interlinked
with arrows. They all point to one girl’s name in the
center of the page — Jessica.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – CAFETERIA – DAY

Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.

JESSICA
No comment.

KEVIN
No comment?! Are you kidding me?!
I’ve never seen someone’s image change
so…so drastically!

JESSICA
Thanks. It was my idea.

KEVIN
Did you guys hook up or something?

JESSICA
Are you kidding? No.

KEVIN
Then what the hell are you talking
about?

JESSICA
Well…I guess it’s okay for me to
tell you now. That reputation of his
isn’t going anywhere.
(then)
Finch comes to me and says, “Jessica,
I need help with this, blah blah,
etcetera.” So I told him, pay me two-
hundred bucks, and I’ll tell a couple
girls that you’re dynamite in bed. So
he did, and I did.

KEVIN
I don’t get it, that really works?

JESSICA
Duh. Of course. Naturally, I
embellished a little bit. Hey, did
you hear that Finch had sex with an
older woman?

Kevin is speechless.

JESSICA (CONT’D)
No? Damn, that one was my favorite.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – GUY’S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM – DAY

Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT
FALLS LACROSSE CHANT. They exit frame, and we remain on
the showers, to hear —

OZ
(singing happily)
…I needed the shelter of someone’s
arms…there you were — woo-hoo-
hoo…

He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to
Stifler.

OZ (CONT’D)
(still singing)
…I needed someone to understand my
ups and my downs, oh baby there you
were…

Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.

STIFLER
Oh my fucking God. You’re gay.

OZ
(cheery)
Come on, you know the words, sing
along.

STIFLER
No thanks, you’ve been singing that
shit all week. If you try that at MSU
this Saturday, I’m pretending I don’t
know you.

Oz stops.

OZ
Our last game is this Saturday.

STIFLER
No shit.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – COURTYARD, A BENCH – LATER

Heather is studying outside. Oz stands before her,
breathless, his hair still wet.

OZ
…I’ve got this lacrosse game. It’s
really important, it’s our last game.
And you know, Central almost beat us
last time, so I really want to kick
their ass, and it’s like cool because
we’re gonna get to play at State,
which means that after the game I
might be able to stop by…

HEATHER
(pause)
You can’t sing at the competition.

OZ
I’m sorry, I totally spaced. I
just…I didn’t realize it…

HEATHER
(upset but trying to be cool)
…it’s okay, you should do whatever
makes you happy.

OZ
Alright…yeah…thanks for
understanding.
(a beat)
So I guess…I’ll see you later.

An uncomfortable moment. Oz walks off. Heather looks
let down.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS – DAY

Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class. Stifler
comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.

STIFLER
Kevin! You seen Shitbreak lately?

KEVIN
(immediately sensing danger)
Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?

STIFLER
Me? Nothing. I’m the one whose ass
he kicked.
(off Kevin’s look)
I’ll tell you one thing, though. I
don’t think he’s gonna have a problem
shitting in school anymore.

Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION
LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – CAFETERIA – DAY

Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper. Kevin
comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.

KEVIN
Finch! Get to the bathroom! Now!

FINCH
Easy, tiger. What’s in there?

KEVIN
Just go!

FINCH
Why is this?

KEVIN
You’re gonna shit your pants!

FINCH
Charming.

KEVIN
Finch, listen — Stifler slipped some
sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino
or whatever. It’s fast acting. I
mean really fast.

FINCH
First of all, it’s Mochaccino, and
secondly…Oohhhh!

Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – MAIN HALL – CONTINUING

We FOLLOW with Finch. We see Stifler down the hall,
holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.

STIFLER
This way, sit.

Finch darts into the bathroom. Stifler LAUGHS
hysterically.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM – DAY

Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM STALL – DAY

Finch has stopped. He’s staring down at the toilet. It
looks entirely uninviting. But he’s straining,
struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he
cramps up.

He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with
it. Then another, and another. Sweat drips off his
forehead.

FINCH
Come on come on come on…

He’s got the seat lined with at least three layers of
toilet paper. Notices a spot where there’s still bare
toilet seat. He tears off one square of toilet paper,
placing it on the spot. He steps back and looks it over,
still wriggling to contain his bowels.

FINCH (CONT’D)
Okay. You can do this.

He unbuckles his pants. Sits down — just as we hear
someone enter the bathroom. Finch, still restraining,
listens for a moment…only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK
of heels.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – MAIN HALL – DAY

The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal
symbol for “Women.” Stifler is there, LAUGHING even
harder.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM STALL – DAY

Finch is terrified. Through the crack between the stall
door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright
colored skirts and dresses. He grits his teeth,
straining.

And a GURGLE comes from Finch’s stomach. His eyes bulge.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM – DAY

A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl
Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
You know it’s just gonna be some
crappy band and stupid decorations.

GIRL #2
You’re just saying that cause prom’s a
week away and you don’t have a date.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
No, I don’t want a date…
(increasingly dreamy)
Finch is going stag…and so am
I…the guy is like so…debonair.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM STALL – DAY

Finch is in hell. Desperately trying not to shit.
Holding it in for all he’s worth.

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

GIRL #2
Do you think that “older woman” thing
is true?

GIRL #3
Of course, it was Stifler’s mom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM STALL – DAY

Pure agony. Finch is sweating badly. Every muscle in
his body is tensed. Tears stream from his fiercely shut
eyes.

A gastric RUMBLING. Finch’s eyes flash open in terror.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM – DAY

We hear another, deeper RUMBLING. Girl #2 turns to her
friend in surprise.

GIRL #2
Joanie, was that you?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM STALL – DAY

Finch is struggling. Rocking back and forth. But it’s
no use. He’s at his limit.

FINCH
Aaaaaaarrrgghhhh!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM – DAY

The girls at the mirror freeze — and we hear what can
only be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet
bowl.

The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BATHROOM – DAY – MOMENTS LATER

Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his
pants. Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door. Grabs
the handle. Composes himself. And like nothing ever
happened, he opens it.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – MAIN HALL – DAY

Finch comes out of the bathroom. Stops. His eyes
register complete disbelief.

A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen
gossiping about him, has crowded around the door. All
staring at him with complete repugnance, open-mouthed.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) – DAY

Oz is playing in the final lacrosse game. The team
scores — they’re beating Central. Everyone cheers,
except Oz. We see Jim and Kevin in the stands, CHEERING.

EXT. MUSIC HALL (MSU) – DAY

Establishing. The campus of Michigan State University.
Students pass in front of an older, impressive university
building.

A sign out front reads, “MICHIGAN STATEWIDE VOCAL
COMPETITION.”

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) – DAY

Heather and the rest of the vocal jazz group are behind
the curtain.

They all wear flashy, borderline cool outfits. Heather
looks worried, lost. Looking to the door, as if Oz might
come running in.

VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
Okay. Albert, you ready?

ALBERT steps next to Heather. He’s kind of funny-
looking, with an overly-suave attitude that comes off as
plain weird.

ALBERT
No problemo.

He SINGS a couple lines. Way too melodramatic and
cheesy. Heather looks trapped.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) – DAY

A scoreboard shows that East is leading by five goals.
Oz is running up the field, towards the goal, cradling
the ball in his stick. He seems to have a good lead.
Suddenly he is tumbling, falling, losing the ball.
Someone has checked him. He lays stunned on the ground,
as Stifler recovers the ball and scores.

The players run back to the sidelines to reset for the
face-off, and gather around the coach.

COACH MARSHALL
Alright! Good hustle, guys, but we
can still lose. You all saw what
happened to Oz out there. I don’t
ever want to see you guys thinking
you’re gonna score. You don’t score
until you score, period.

The team is getting into it. Shouts of “Hell yeah!” But
Oz’s got a quizzical look on his face.

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) – DAY

Heather waits with the group to go onstage. Albert paces
like a Shakespearean actor, psyching himself.

ALBERT
Focus on the music. Think melody.
Let the music be my guide.

HEATHER
That would be a start.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) – DAY

Oz shows some emotion peeking through. Confused.

COACH MARSHALL
It all boils down to today. For you
seniors, this marks the culmination of
your past four years. Think of what
that means to you. Are you guys gonna
look back on your days at East and
know that you made the most of the
time you had?

A wave of realization washes over Oz. He stands up tall.

COACH MARSHALL (cont’d)
Now that’s the attitude, Ostreicher!

Oz collects himself. Takes a deep breath.

OZ
Good luck, guys.

he sets his lacrosse stick down and starts to leave.

COACH MARSHALL
Christ! I didn’t say you were out of
the game!

OZ
Sorry, coach.

COACH MARSHALL
What the fuck is this? You got
someplace more important to be?

Coach Marshall is fuming. The entire team is staring at
Oz.

OZ
Yeah.

He runs off.

ANGLE ON JIM AND KEVIN IN THE STANDS

A beat of confusion. Then they stand up.

EXT. MSU CAMPUS – DAY

Oz runs through a gate.

INT. BACKSTAGE – DAY

The vocal jazz group is on their feet, lined up, waiting
to go onstage. Oz bursts into the room, still in his
lacrosse gear.

VOCAL JAZZ GUYS
Oz — You’re back — Yeah —

ALBERT
— Oh, great.

Oz rushes up to Heather. She’s happy but confused.

HEATHER
What about the game?!

OZ
I’m not playing.

HEATHER
You’re missing the game for us?!

OZ
No. I’m missing the game for you.

Heather melts. Oz pulls her close. And they kiss.

VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
Okay, okay. You guys got about a
minute to go. Spend it warming up,
not making out. This ain’t the prom
yet.

Oz and Heather share a smile.

INT. MUSIC HALL STAGE – DAY

The vocal jazz group is belting their hearts out, singing
“How Sweet It Is.” Oz sings with them now in his vocal
jazz outfit…we TILT DOWN to see he’s still wearing his
cleats. He and Heather sound great, backed by the vocal
jazz group. They sail through their duet, join hands,
and finish perfectly. The audience APPLAUDS with
enthusiasm — and we Kevin and Jim, WHOOPING AND
CLAPPING, loving it, like they’re at a rock concert.

JIM
Yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!

KEVIN
(gives that “You rock!” hand
sign)
You fuckin’ rule!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS – CLASSROOM – DAY

Class has just ended, students are filing out of the
classroom. A teacher grades papers in the back of the
room, routinely writing “A, A-, A, A-” on each paper.
Vicky is studying a pull-down map hanging over the
chalkboard. Kevin comes up next to her.

KEVIN
Hey…

VICKY
Did you know that it’s…450 miles
from Ann Arbor to Nashville?

KEVIN
It’s like a six or seven hour drive.
That’s easy, I don’t mind driving.

A beat. Kevin looks back over his shoulder to the
inattentive teacher. Moves closer to Vicky.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
About the other day…I’ve been
thinking.

VICKY
So have I. And I know you want to
make things perfect for me. And I
understand that you really wouldn’t
tell me that until you were 100%
comfortable with it.

Vicky looks over to the teacher, who COUGHS. She steps
closer. Kevin, somewhat nervous, takes the bottom of the
map, fidgeting with it a little.

VICKY (CONT’D)
And I want to make things perfect for
you. You’re right, Kev, we do have
something good…and special.

KEVIN
Yeah, we have something great, Vick.

VICKY
Kevin…
(very close, whispered)
I want to have sex with you.

The map goes FLAPPING upwards. The teacher looks up.

KEVIN
(almost frightened)
Now?!

VICKY
No…I know the perfect time…

She looks to the calendar on the wall…and taps next
Saturday — “Prom.” Kevin can’t believe it…MUSIC UP
for PRE-PROM MONTAGE —

INT. TUXEDO LAND – DAY

Jim is trying on a tux. he shrugs, like it fits well
enough.

He turns to see Oz trying on his — Oz is fidgeting,
trying on different ties, vests, shoes, very sincere and
focused.

INT. VICKY’S BEDROOM – DAY

Vicky is trying on a rather elegant dress, looking to
Jessica for support, showing it off. Jessica jokingly
does the same, showing off her shorts and T-shirt, as if
she could care.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – COURTYARD – DAY

Finch sits alone. Not like alone. More like Forrest
Gump.

INT. TUXEDO LAND – DAY

Jim is paying for his tux. We see Oz trying to decide on
a cumberbund. There are about ten of them scattered
around him that he’s already tried. In the background,
an ATTENDANT looks impatient.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – COURTYARD – DAY

Finch still sits. His head is cocked at a different
angle.

INT. JIM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Jim’s dad fixes Jim’s bow tie.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT (END MONTAGE)

Kevin is in his tux. He’s staring at himself in the
mirror.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – NIGHT

The parking lot is full. VARIOUS FORMALLY DRESSED
STUDENTS make their way into the school. One group piles
out of a stretch limo. We see a STEALTHY STUDENT slip a
bottle of liquor into his tux. A FLUSTERED GUY struggles
to re-attach his date’s corsage.

This is the prom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – GYM – NIGHT

The gym is decorated in a clashingly festive manner.
Like a combination of Mardi Gras, New Year’s Eve, and
somebody’s bar mitzvah. A CRAPPY BAND plays CRAPPY
IMITATION ROCK MUSIC.

Most students mill about, talking, generally bored. The
only people who are enjoying themselves are the OBVIOUSLY
DRUNK STUDENTS, slam-dancing with the obviously drunk
Stifler in a corner. CHAPERONE PARENTS try to calm them
down, futilely.

The band breaks into a CHEESY BALLAD. Couples lock
together and sway back and forth like zombies.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

They’re dancing at arm’s length. Jim is not enthused.

MICHELLE
You know, at band camp? We have
dances like this. Only they’re way
funner. Don’t you think prom is just
highly overrated?

JIM
Highly, highly overrated.

ANGLE ON KEVIN AND VICKY

They dance. Both looking a little nervous. Anxious.

ANGLE ON OZ AND HEATHER

Dancing much slower than anyone else. Tight embrace.
Heather’s got her head on his shoulder, eyes closed.

ANGLE ON STIFLER

Dancing with the Girl Holding out For Finch.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – A CORNER OF THE GYM – NIGHT

Kevin, Oz, Jim, and Finch are hanging out. Finch is
drunk.

FINCH
Okay. I’m here for your dumb…dumb
meeting.

Sherman passes by.

SHERMAN
I’m on the offensive, boys. The
Sherman Tank is going back in.

The guys are impassive. Sherman indicates the Central
Girl nearby.

SHERMAN (CONT’D)
Locked on target, flying in stealth
mode under enemy sex radar. Ready to
drop the payload…again.

Sherman confidently walks off.

KEVIN
Alright, how do you guys stand? Well,
Finch, I know where you are, but you
can’t use that as an excuse. Jim?

JIM
My date’s a flute-toting band dork.
That answer your question?

KEVIN
Oz, how about you and Heather? Now
you guys are a couple or something?

OZ
(getting ticked)
Dammit, Kevin, what’s with the
attitude?

KEVIN
Attitude? Me? I think that you guys
should be more enthusiastic. Shit,
we’ve been trying to get laid forever,
and tonight’s the night we’ve been
waiting for. We’re in this together.
Don’t back out on me now!

JIM
Back out? You don’t need us to get
laid. You afraid or something?

KEVIN
No, but come on guys, we made a pact!

OZ
Kevin, it was just a —

KEVIN
It was a pact. You break it and there
are no excuses. You guys have to —

JIM
(interrupting, pissed)
I don’t have to do shit! Forget it
already!

Kevin is taken aback.

JIM (cont’d)
I’m tired of all this bullshit
pressure! I mean, I’ve never even had
sex and already I can’t stand it! I
hate sex! I don’t want it, I’ve never
wanted it, and I’m not gonna sit here
busting my balls over something that
just isn’t that damn important! So
fuck this stupid pact, fuck you, and
fuck sex! Now, I’m gonna go hang out
with that geek over there, ‘cause at
least she’s got something else to talk
about besides sex! God damn!

Kevin storms off. A beat.

FINCH
At least I learned how to shit in
school.

Jessica approaches. She’s dressed well, but not
lavishly.

JESSICA
Hey, Finch. Wanna dance?

Finch looks to the guys. They shrug. We FOLLOW WITH
Jessica and Finch as they dance out onto the floor.

FINCH
How come you have no date?

JESSICA
I like to keep my options open. And
let me just clarify that you have no
chance of scoring with me, Finch.

FINCH
No, of course not, don’t be
ridiculous.

ANGLE ON VICKY AND CENTRAL GIRL

VICKY
So, I guess you and Sherman are pretty
close. You met at that party a while
back?

CENTRAL GIRL
Yeah, we were up the whole night
together. We had one of those
amazingly deep conversations, where
you really feel like you get to know
someone.

VICKY
(nudge, nudge)
“Deep conversation,” huh? Is that
what you guys call it?

CENTRAL GIRL
What else would I call it?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – NIGHT

Kevin sits on the steps into the school, depressed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – GYM – NIGHT

The Central Girl has taken over the band’s microphone.

CENTRAL GIRL
Excuse me, everyone, sorry to
interrupt.

Her voice reverberates throughout the gym. A couple WOLF-
WHISTLES.

CENTRAL GIRL (cont’d)
I just wanted to let you all know
this: Chuck Sherman is a liar. I
never had sex with him. He’s never
had sex with anyone — I know because
he told me. Once, he tried to screw a
grapefruit, but that’s it. Oh, and he
also told me that sometimes when he
gets nervous he wets his pants. Thank
you for your attention.

Girls around the gym CHEER and APPLAUD.

ANGLE ON SHERMAN

Pissing his pants.

ANGLE ON JIM

Shocked. He looks back to Oz, who shares his expression.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – NIGHT

Kevin still sits there. Jim, Oz, and Finch come out of
the school. Slowly they walk up to Kevin.

OZ
…Guess what?

KEVIN
I don’t care.

JIM
Kevin, come on, the bus to Stifler’s
is gonna be here soon.

KEVIN
I’m not going.

A beat as the guys don’t know what to say. Kevin’s
speech is halting, downbeat.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
This isn’t how I wanted things to turn
out. Making the pact wasn’t just
about getting laid. It was about
doing one last thing with you guys
before we graduated. But now I’ve
just wasted my last few weeks here
trying to do what? I don’t even know.
All I managed to do was fuck up our
friendship.

A beat. Oz shrugs.

OZ
I still think you’re okay.

JIM
So do I, Kev.

FINCH
Me too. For the most part.

KEVIN
Nah. Fuck, you guys are right, I
don’t know what I’m doing. I mean I’m
acting like I’ve got it all together
tonight. But I know Vicky is gonna
ask me if I love her. And I don’t
know what I’m gonna say. So now it’s
like, maybe I’ll just wimp out on the
whole thing.

JIM
Come on man. Tonight is the night.
We’re finally going to a post-prom
party on the lake. We’ve been waiting
to do this for the last four years.
Why else are we still friends with
Stifler? You gotta go.

A beat as Kevin ponders this.

OZ
And by the way, Sherman didn’t even
get laid.

KEVIN
He didn’t?

FINCH
Nope. He pissed himself.

The guys LAUGH as Kevin is puzzled. THEY are suddenly
illuminated by the glare of headlights. A charter bus
pulls in front of the school.

JIM
There it is. I want to grab my bag.
Oh, and my date.

OZ
Come on, Kevin. Vicky’s looking for
you.

Jim holds out a helping hand. Kevin looks at it. Grabs
it, and Jim pulls him up.

EXT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – NIGHT

A beautiful cottage on the shore of Lake Michigan.
Students are filing out of the charter bus.

Jim and Michelle are walking up to the cottage.

JIM
Stifler’s mom got it in the divorce.

MICHELLE
It reminds me of this one time —
(changing thoughts)
Hey, can I ask you a question? How
come you don’t have any stories? I’ve
got lots of stories, and you don’t
have any.

JIM
Oh, I’ve got stories, believe me.
They’re a little more risque than
tales of Band Camp.

MICHELLE
Are they gross or something, like guy
stuff? Tell me.

JIM
Okay. You want a story? Here’s a
story. Stifler finds this beer,
right? And…

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BEDROOM

Kevin leads Vicky into the bedroom. A large bay window
overlooks moonlit Lake Michigan.

KEVIN
See — this is the nicest room.

VICKY
Wow, Kev…it’s perfect.

Vicky opens a closet — to find Stifler’s Little Brother
inside, grinning.

STIFLER’S BROTHER
You guys are gonna fuck, aren’t you!?

KEVIN
No! Get out of here!

STIFLER’S BROTHER
(running out of the room)
Fuckers fuckers fuckers fuckers!

Stiflers brother is gone. They LAUGH…and Vicky closes
the door.

EXT. BEACH – NIGHT

Oz and Heather are walking down the beach. Holding
hands. Deep in the background, we see kids partying.

OZ
There’s something I’ve been meaning to
tell you, Heather.

HEATHER
What’s that?

OZ
It’s gonna sound really bad, but I
want you to know.

She nods. They stop walking. Oz swipes his feet around
in the sand.

OZ (cont’d)
See, uh, I’m a virgin. And me, Kevin,
Jim, and Finch, we all made this pact.
That we would…lose our virginity…
before high school was over.

Heather is listening.

OZ (cont’d)
And, see, tonight is supposed to be
the night we all do it.

HEATHER
This isn’t the best way to proposition
me.

OZ
No, that’s not what I mean. I mean —
look. You know what made me leave
that game? Coach was giving this
speech, about not slacking off when
you see the opportunity to score.

HEATHER
This isn’t any better, Chris.

OZ
No, see Heather, what I realized is
that…with you, it’s not like I’m
running towards the goal, trying to
figure out the best way to score. And
this may sound corny, but —

He takes her hand.

OZ (cont’d)
I feel like I’ve already won.

Heather softens, taken off guard.

OZ (cont’d)
And, well, I really care about you. A
lot. And I want you to know that.

HEATHER
Oz, it’s okay, I know.

OZ
You called me Oz.

HEATHER
Well, that’s what your friends call
you. I mean…I feel like I’m one of
your friends now…and also…your
girlfriend.

Oz seems truly touched.

OZ
Dieter. My middle name is Dieter.

Heather nods, and speaks pensively.

HEATHER
Hmm. You know that’s
(cracking up)
really a shitty middle name!

OZ
(laughing)
I know, it sucks!

Through their laughter, they kiss. After a moment, it
grows more passionate. Lost in each other.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BASEMENT – NIGHT

The party rages in the rest of the cottage, but the
basement is empty. STIFLER’S MOM sits in the corner,
smoking a cigarette. She’s as attractive as her photo we
once saw, but the divorce has replaced her sexy smile
with a bitter smirk.

Finch stumbles in.

FINCH
Ah, Stifler’s mom! Thank you for
letting us have a great party.

STIFLER’S MOM
(dry)
As if there were any alternative
in the matter. Are you enjoying
yourself?

FINCH
I’m three sheets to the wind, ma’am!

STIFLER’S MOM
(deadpan)
I’m so happy for you. Takes the edge
off, doesn’t it? And where might your
date be?

FINCH
Oh no, no date. Bathroom incident.

STIFLER’S MOM
Pardon me?

Finch pauses a moment. He’s got an idea.

FINCH
…Nevermind. You have anything to
drink?

STIFLER’S MOM
I believe the kegs are upstairs.

FINCH
No, no, that’s what the cretins drink.
I mean alcohol, liquor — good stuff.

She considers him as she drags off her cigarette.

STIFLER’S MOM
All right, I got some scotch.

FINCH
Single malt?

STIFLER’S MOM
Aged eighteen years.
(she gives him a look)
Why don’t you get the glasses. Behind
the bar.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – PARTY ROOM – NIGHT

It’s a great party. Stifler is with a group of guys
drinking a beer, which he inspects very carefully before
every sip.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

Both drinking and talking, almost enjoying themselves.

MICHELLE
That is a nasty story!

JIM
I told you.

MICHELLE
You wanna hear a nasty story of mine?
It’s kind of sexual.

Ding! A light goes off in Jim’s head.

JIM
Yeah, bring it on!

MICHELLE
Well, this one time? At band camp?
We were playing this game, I don’t
know if you know it? But it’s called
spin the bottle? And I had to kiss
this guy named Marc Wander on the
lips? And…

Jim’s expression sinks.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BEDROOM – NIGHT

The lights are down. Vicky and Kevin are in bed.

KEVIN
You comfortable?

VICKY
Yeah, are you?

KEVIN
Yeah.

A beat.

VICKY
You sure you’re comfortable?

KEVIN
Yeah. Are you sure?

VICKY
Yeah.

KEVIN
Me too.

VICKY
Okay.
(a beat)
Did you bring a condom?

KEVIN
Yeah, right here.

He pulls out a condom. A beat as they contemplate it.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
So, do you want to be — I mean, how
do you want to do it?

VICKY
I don’t know. How do you?

KEVIN
Like, normal style. The…missionary
position.

VICKY
Okay.

A moment as they realize there’s nothing left to do, but –

VICKY (cont’d)
Kevin…

KEVIN
Yeah Vick?

VICKY
I want to hear you say it.

KEVIN
Okay.

Kevin swallows hard. And says —

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Victoria…I love you.

VICKY
I love you.

They both take a deep breath.

EXT. BEACH – NIGHT

Oz and Heather lay in a secluded spot in the dunes,
surrounded by tall beach grass that swishes in the spring
breeze. Stars and a lustrous moon above.

The silence speaks. We can see it in their eyes.
Yearning.

OZ
I can’t think of anything to say
that’s not cheesy.

HEATHER
Then don’t.

They kiss. It’s time.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BEDROOM – NIGHT

A brief moment of uncertainty. Kevin shifts around a
bit, trying to position himself. Vicky’s hand goes under
the sheets.

VICKY
Here.

We know what she’s doing. They both maintain eye
contact…

EXT. BEACH – NIGHT

Heather and Oz are re-inventing the idea of passion.
Discovering love. This is the stuff that you thought
only existed in romance novels. Seriously.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – PARTY ROOM – NIGHT

Jim is trying to stay interested in Michelle’s drivel.

JIM
So, the end of the story is…you had
to kiss the guy for twenty seconds?

MICHELLE
Yes! And he was such a dork! And
everyone laughed at me, but I didn’t
care? Because it was so funny!

JIM
(flat)
Okay, I get it.

MICHELLE
Oh! And then this one time? At band
camp? I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim CHOKES on his beer. Michelle considers her
revelation no big deal, watching with some amusement as
Jim struggles to recover.

JIM
…excuse me?!

MICHELLE
What, you think I don’t know how to
get myself off? Hell, that’s what
half of band camp is! Sex ed!

Jim is ga-ga. He watches in disbelief as she lets her
hair down. And wouldn’t you know it, she’s pretty cute.

MICHELLE (cont’d)
So are we gonna screw soon? I’m
getting kind of antsy.

Jim pauses in disbelief. Then —

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – STIFLER’S BROTHER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door. A toy
basketball hoop falls off the back of the door. They are
standing in a cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid’s room.
One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs
from the ceiling, flying in circles.

JIM
This’ll do.

MICHELLE
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them
both, it’ll desensitize you. I don’t
want you coming so damn early.

JIM
Why, uh, what makes you think that I —

MICHELLE
Come on. I saw you on the net. Why
do you think I accepted this date?
You’re a sure thing!

Jim heartily agrees.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BASEMENT – NIGHT

The scotch bottle is almost empty. Stifler’s Mom and
Finch are smoking cigarettes.

FINCH
So…would you object if I said you’re
quite striking?

STIFLER’S MOM
Mister Finch — are you trying to
seduce me?

FINCH
Yes ma’am, I am.

One look between them, and we know it’s all over.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BEDROOM – NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky. Silently doing it. Curious looks on
their faces. The look you get when your waiter delivers
your food in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the
creation on the plate, and secretly you’re not sure if
it’s really what you ordered. But you don’t say
anything, and you just eat it.

EXT. BEACH – NIGHT

Oz and Heather. Souls entwined. Making love.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – STIFLER’S BROTHER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of
HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:

— A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.

— An x-wing fighter flies across the room.

— A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.

— One of the legs on the bed breaks.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – OUTSIDE BASEMENT DOOR – NIGHT

The Basement door is closed. We hear from the inside…

STIFLER’S MOM (O.S.)
I had no idea you’d be this good!

FINCH (O.S.)
Neither did I!

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – STIFLER’S BROTHER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jim and Michelle going at it. Again, we HEAR but can’t
see them. The room is more trashed than before. And as
we PAN across the disaster area they’ve created —

JIM (O.S.)
Are you gonna do what I think you’re
gonna do?

MICHELLE (O.S.)
Don’t you want me to?

JIM (O.S.)
Oh yeah! Put it in your mouth!

MICHELLE (O.S.)
Okay!

We see her…on top of Jim. She clears her throat. And
then we see her raise a children’s plastic recorder to
her lips — and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG. On
cue, Jim chimes in —

JIM
Hail, hail, to Michigan, the leaders
and best!

EXT. BEACH – NIGHT

Oz could be coming. Heather could be coming. But it’s
all so darn passionate that the whole thing looks like
one big orgasm anyway.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – STIFLER’S BROTHER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and
each others’ clothing. Exhausted, gasping.

And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack.
It swings open. Standing there is Stifler’s Little
Brother. Jaw hanging.

STIFLER’S BROTHER
That was awesome!

Jim and Michelle are stunned.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BASEMENT – NIGHT

Finch and Stifler’s Mom are just off-camera. We can’t
see it, but we can tell Finch’s status from his ORGASMIC
MOANING.

What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling. The
chair falling out of place. And the door opening as
Stifler walks in. He stops, horrified.

STIFLER
Ugh…oh no…

He looks like he’s going to barf. Instead, he passes
out.

EXT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – SUNRISE – ESTABLISHING

The sun rises over Lake Michigan. A brand new day.
Various students are passed out here and there.

EXT. BEACH – DAY

Oz holds Heather in his arms. Completely peaceful.
SEAGULLS CALL to each other. WAVES BREAK on the shore.

Oz has lost all pretense. Smiling to himself, or maybe
to the world.

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – STIFLER’S BROTHER’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim wakes up in bed, alone. He looks around.

JIM
She’s gone.

He considers this.

JIM (cont’d)
Oh my God. She used me.

He considers this further. Smiles.

JIM (cont’d)
Wow! I was used! Cool!

He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING…

JIM (CONT’D)
Hail! to the victors, valiant; Hail!
to the conquering heroes, hail…

INT. STIFLER’S COTTAGE – BEDROOM – DAY

Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at
the ceiling. Though they’re trying to conceal it, we can
see a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking
through.

KEVIN
That was a great night.

VICKY
Yeah.

A beat.

KEVIN
I can’t believe we just had our senior
prom.

VICKY
Yeah, the time went by so fast.

KEVIN
It did.

Another beat.

VICKY
Kevin, next year…with you in Ann
Arbor, and me in Nashville…it’s not
gonna work, is it.

KEVIN
Don’t say that, we can do it somehow.
It might not be perfect, but —

VICKY
(interrupting)
No, Kevin —
(she sits up)
That’s the whole thing, that’s what
I’ve been realizing. That nothing’s
perfect, that you can’t plan
everything.

Kevin thinks this over.

KEVIN
It is far away…and we’ll be on our
own…meeting new people…

A moment as they think this over.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Vicky…last night…I wasn’t lying.

VICKY
I know.
(a beat)
Let’s go. Don’t you have something to
tell your friends?

KEVIN
What?

VICKY
Your little pact. Jessica told me all
about it.
(hits him lightly)
Way to go, Kev!

Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOG DAYS – DAY

A sign on the window reads, “Congratulations Seniors!”

INT. DOG DAYS – DAY

The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs. Kevin’s
LAUGHING.

KEVIN
(to Jim)
I guess we’ll call you two-ply.

OZ
Yeah. So you want double condiments
on that?

JIM
No, no that’s fine.
(then, to Kevin)
So you doing okay?

KEVIN
(a wistful smile)
Yeah.

FINCH
I’ll tell you, I’ve learned one thing:
women, like wine, get better with age.
(a beat)
Of course, I have no frame of
reference for this comparison.

KEVIN
So Oz, you almost made it, huh?

OZ
(smiles)
I’ll just say that we had a great
night together.

JIM
Hang in there, buddy, you’ll get
there.

OZ
I know.

KEVIN
Wow. You two really have something
going, don’t you?

OZ
I think we’re falling in love.

They GROAN. Oz just smiles.

KEVIN
You know what the coolest thing is?
This, right now.

They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.

OZ
It’s true. I mean, after this,
everything’ll be different.

JIM
After getting laid?

OZ
After high school.

KEVIN
Yeah, but we’ll still see each other.

OZ
Fuck yeah we will.

A beat. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

KEVIN
To the next step.

ALL
To the next step.

They all toast.

INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

KEVIN
(into phone)
Hey. I got another question for you.

KEVIN’S BROTHER (V.O.)
What’s that?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH – BACK OF LIBRARY – DAY

Kevin arrives in the back of the library. Kneels down to
put the bible back.

KEVIN (V.O.)
Um…I’m sort of wondering
about…love.

We hear Kevin’s Brother CHUCKLE knowingly.

KEVIN’S BROTHER (V.O.)
That’s the next book, Kevin. That’s
the next book.

He puts the bible back without the reverence he once had
for it. Stands up with some new confidence. We FOLLOW
WITH HIM as he walks out of the library…and enters the
courtyard, crowded with students. He disappears into
them as we…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

INT. JIM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Jim’s dad sits across from Jim.

JIM’S DAD
(eyes tearing)
Son. That’s the best damn story I
ever heard.

Jim beams proudly.

JIM’S DAD (CONT’D)
You know, after I graduated high
school, my parents let me do some
traveling…

INT. A HOTEL HALLWAY

SUPER: “PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC”

A WAITER ascends a beautiful, red-carpeted staircase,
carrying a tray with bottle of champagne and a rose. He
arrives in front of a hotel door. KNOCKS. A BELLBOY
passes by, noticing the waiter. And HE SPEAKS TO HIM IN
AUTHENTIC, THICK CZECH.

BELLBOY
(subtitled)
Another bottle?

WAITER
(subtitled)
He knows how to treat a woman.

The door opens — to reveal Jim, sweaty but not the least
bit tired, tying on a robe.

JIM
Thanks guys.

A pair of arms wraps around him from behind. And —
Nadia peeks her head over Jim’s shoulder.

NADIA
Come back to bed, James.

Jim smiles to the guys and takes the tray, as Nadia pulls
him back in and closes the door.

WAITER
(subtitled)
That is one lucky man.

BELLBOY
(subtitled)
Funny — I swear I have seen those two
somewhere before. The boy is some
sort of dancer.

They head off.

FADE TO BLACK




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